Author's Chapter Notes:
Buffy's back to normal - but is Spike happy about it?
Chapter Sixteen

"I almost let them die." Buffy's voice was flat, giving no hint of the guilt gnawing at her. Even so, Spike seemed to know what she was feeling.

"But you didn't. You did what you needed to do to save everyone. You will always do the right thing, Buffy. It's who you are."

"You mean it's what I am."

"No. I mean it's who you are. Slayer or shop girl, you do the right thing because you're Buffy, and that's who she is."

"Stop calling me a shop girl," she said, grateful to him for giving her something to focus on that didn't involve acknowledging his intuitive understanding of the struggle it had been to give up her perfect world. She knew he'd done it to snap her out of her mood.

"It's what you were, yeah? Working in a bookshop. Got to say, though, I pictured you as more the type to work in a shoe store. Course then, I reckon, you'd get yourself fired for spending all your time trying on the merchandise."

"Very funny," she muttered, a faint smile tugging at her lips. Spike leaned back with his own smile, pleased that he'd brought up her mood at least a little.



~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy flopped onto a bus stop bench and moaned.

"This is ridiculous. We're just running around in circles." She dropped her head against the backrest and closed her eyes. She felt the slight jar as Spike settled beside her.

"I told you to wait until Red could do some more cyber-snooping, pet. When she figures out where they are now..."

"We'll find them and I'll go storming in and kick major nerdy butt. Got it." She rolled her head over to look at him. "But I was getting bored. Weren't you bored?"

"A little, maybe. But there was a Monty Python marathon coming up on BBC America. Wouldn't have been bored then."

"You wouldn't have been bored then. I'd be sitting there wondering what was so funny, and you'd have to be explaining stuff to me all the time."

"I'd be too busy laughing to explain anything. You just have to learn to pay better attention so you can appreciate why I think they're so funny."

"You think the Three Stooges funny," she grumbled. "Pardon me if I don't take your word for how hilarious a bunch of English guys are."

"Come on, pet." Spike stood up and held out his hand. "Let's go find you some undead evil-doers to slay. Maybe you can even behead something."

Buffy laughed and allowed him to pull her to her feet, dropping his hand quickly once she was standing. "You sure know how to sweet talk a girl," she snorted.

"Used to."

Spike's quiet response was a rare reminder that sweet talk was not a part of their current relationship, and Buffy flinched at the reminder of a different time. When she opened her mouth to apologize, he shook his head.

"'s alright, Buffy. Wasn't meaning to complain."

"Spike," she started, wondering if she really meant what she was about to say, "If being around me is too—"

"Isn't. If it was, I'd take myself off somewhere." He slid his eyes sideways. "May do that anyway for a bit," he said with a shrug. "After we nail the wankers that sent that demon after you."

"Is that why you're playing guard dog every night? You think I'm going to get skewered again?"

He shrugged again. "I know it wouldn't have happened if I'd been with you to kill the ugly bastard before he jabbed you. Not gonna let it happen again."

Buffy nodded and began walking towards the nearest cemetery. "You know," she said casually, "if I hadn't been all delusional Buffy, we wouldn't know about... and you wouldn't be going anywhere with me."

"I suppose that's true," he responded after a lengthy silence. "Guess I should be grateful, yeah?"

"Well, not so grateful that you let it happen again," she said, nudging his shoulder playfully in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"I dunno, pet. Maybe next time you'll dream that you and me are married and have little fangy babies...." He grinned at her horrified gasp. "Harris really would have something to get his knickers in a twist about then, wouldn't he?"

Buffy gave an exaggerated shudder. "He'd want to stake you for sure... And I don't think I'd like that," she added softly. "I think I'd miss you."

"Nice to know," he replied. "Now, what say we do a little damage, Slayer?" He gestured with his chin to where a small group of vamps had surrounded a new grave, clearly waiting for someone to rise soon.

"You're playing my song," she said, almost with enthusiasm, pulling out her stake and sprinting forward, Spike on her heels, his coat flapping behind him.

In a relatively short time, Buffy had efficiently dusted two vamps and was settling in to fight with a third. Spike had quickly taken a startled fourth vampire out of the mix and was just watching the last one to make sure he didn't jump Buffy from behind.

"Hey!" she yelled as the vamp she was fighting began to sidle away. "We're fighting here! Where do you think you're going?" He began to run, only to be struck in the back by her accurately thrown stake. Buffy walked over to the dust drifting away and kicked at it. "You weren't much fun." She turned and narrowed her eyes at the remaining vampire. "Are you going to be fun?"

The vamp shook his head rapidly, turning to leave but running into Spike's outstretched arm. Buffy quickly took an extra stake from Spike's other hand and buried it in the vamp's back. "Boy, nobody wants to be fun tonight," she said with a mock frown.

Spike grinned at her, grinning even harder when she put her hands on her hips, demanding, "What?"

"Nothing, love. Nothing. It's just... nice... to see you in action again. Bit of the old Buffy Summers coming back. That's all." He put his arm around her and squeezed, letting go before she could tense up and remind him that their new – and still occasionally uneasy– friendship didn't include hugs.

Without the sex to distract them, they had drifted back into the comfortable companionship they'd enjoyed when Buffy first came back from the grave. In spite of her admission that Will was the human incarnation of Spike – or that Spike was the vampire version of Will – she had steadfastly refused any tentative suggestions that she go back to having sex with him.

"I won't use you like that," she'd insisted. "It wasn't good for either one of us. You're my good friend. I know that, and I... I care about you, but I'm not in love with you. You have to accept that you have the same place in my life as Xander or Giles. Nothing more, nothing less."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Spike was frustrated about losing the physical relationship, he didn't show it very often. Her willingness to include him in her life and to stand up to her friends when they tried to object to his constant presence more than made up for the lack of sex. Or so he tried to tell himself.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The vamp dangled from Spike's hand, his legs kicking uselessly as Buffy struggled with his companion. Spike's running commentary while Buffy fought with the other vampire was making her grind her teeth. Apparently their newer, friendlier relationship didn't include a lack of annoying nagging from him. Hearing him suggest once again that she tell her friends about them in return for help with the vampire he was holding was the last straw of the evening.

"You tell them if you want. Go ahead."

She dusted the first vamp and stalked over to the stone pillar Spike was sitting on. She was talking the entire time, reminding him that she'd recently tried to kill everyone. "... and you know how much they care? Zero. Zero much." She turned to walk away. "So I'm thinking, sleeping with you? They'll deal."

Spike blinked in surprise, then dropped the vamp he was holding, barely watching as it took off after her.

"Then why won't you sleep with me again?"

Buffy turned, calmly staked the distracted vampire, and continued walking away.

"Because I don't love you."

Spike dropped to the ground and glared after her. "Like hell," he muttered. "You'd love me if I was human. You fuckin' said so." Knowing she was probably out of range for human ears, he shouted after her, "You'd love me if I had a bloody soul!"

In spite of Spike's short-lived anger at her refusal, he still didn't tell anyone about their earlier relationship, and they were soon back to the uneasy friendship Buffy insisted was all they had between them. She blithely ignored his occasional slip into innuendo, pretending she didn't understand him. She was just happy to have him back in her life without the complications that had accompanied their brief physical affair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"They're up to something," Buffy muttered, stomping her way through another cemetery, but thinking more about the nerd trio than the few fledglings she found. "That camera in my yard... I'll bet it's not the only one."

"Prob'ly not," Spike agreed amiably. "Think I found one in my crypt, actually."

She whirled. "Why didn't you say so? What did you do with it? What do you think they saw?"

"Easy there, pet. Didn't say anything because you've got enough on your mind, and I smashed it to little bitty pieces, so no worries there." He cocked his head at her. "As for what they might have seen... unless I'm missing something and you're meeting another man in my crypt, there hasn't been anything for them to see, has there?"

She sighed at the aggrieved tone of his voice. Although Spike had learned not to mention his unhappiness at the lack of physical contact in what had become an otherwise comfortable and close relationship, every now and then his disappointment still slipped out.

"Well, I don't know that." She shrugged. "I mean, not me, obviously, but maybe you...not that you'd probably care that you were putting on a show, but..." She sighed and shook her head. "Never mind. You did bring a date to the wedding. For all I know, you've had a different girl every night..." She stopped when the moon drifted out from behind a cloud and his face became visible again.

"In case you haven't noticed, Slayer, I'm with you every bloody night. The only thing they might have seen in my crypt is me enjoying the company of my left hand."

Buffy wrinkled her nose at him. "TMI, Spike!" She relented when she saw that her casual remark had really hurt him. "I'm sorry," she whispered, stepping closer and putting her hand on his arm. "I was kidding. I know you wouldn't... not that you couldn't if you wanted to, but...."

He put his hand over hers and squeezed it. "Quit while you're ahead, love." He released her hand, which she pulled away and dropped to her side. "I'm a one-woman man, Buffy. Always have been. An' it doesn't seem to matter if the woman is participating or not."

"I'm sorry," she said again, her words covering more than just current conversation.

"'s alright, love. I'm a patient man."

Buffy's snort of disbelief allowed him to change the tenor of the conversation and pretend to be offended that she didn't think he was the soul of patience. They finished the evening's patrol with less disturbing banter and easy laughter.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why is Spike here again?" Xander's glare was only half serious as he nodded his thanks for the beer Spike slid over to him after he sat down.

"He's here because he's one of us," Buffy said firmly. "And because I want him here." She set her chin into a stubborn line that both men knew better than to argue with. Spike couldn't resist shooting a triumphant smirk at Xander before smiling his thanks at Buffy.

"Thanks, pet," he said softly.

"It's true, you know. You are one of us. Just as much as..." She hesitated, casting an apologetic look at Xander. "...as Tara or... Anya."

"Neither of which are here," Xander said, smothering whatever else he was going to say as Willow approached the table. "Hi there," he said, moving over to make room for her. "I thought we might have a few more people here tonight...."

Willow smiled brightly. "We're taking it slow," she explained. "Baby steps." She waved her hand around the darkened nightclub. "This would have been a little bit too much like a... a date."

They all nodded and smiled, not sure if Willow was as happy as she seemed, but willing to pretend. Anya's name was not mentioned. Fortunately, the band soon began playing and it became too loud for easy conversation. Willow and Buffy were tapping their fingers along to the music, casting sideways glances at Xander from time to time. Finally, Willow stood up and grabbed his hand.

"Come on," she said, tugging on him. "Friends don't let friends sit still when they really want to dance." She pulled him onto the floor, leaving Buffy to stare at Spike speculatively.

"Oh no you don't! Don't even think about it. You can just wait till Harris comes back if you want to trip the light fantastic."

"Coward," she said with a pout.

"Guilty." He took a deep swallow from his bottle then tipped it up to the light. "Oh, look at that. Almost empty. I'll be right back."

With a grin at her narrowed eyes, he got up and wove through the crowd to the bar, taking his time getting a new drink and winding his way back to the table. By that time she had changed places with Willow and was keeping a thirsty-looking Xander busy on the dance floor. Spike sat down and cocked his head at Willow.

"So, you and Glinda... "

"We... we're talking. I have to show her that I've changed – that I don't need to use magic for everyday stuff." She met Spike's raised eyebrow and accusing eyes honestly. "Or for stuff that could... Yeah...." She stopped, then exhaled deeply. "But Buffy's back, you know? And, okay, she wasn't in Hell, so I didn't save her, but... but she's back. She's here and I think she's finally okay with that... so it turned out all right, didn't it?"

"'s alright, Red. You did what you thought you had to do. I get that. I just... I'm not sure any of you really knows exactly how... damaged... Buffy was for a while. Or how happy..." he paused, unable to go on for a second, "or how happy she was there."

"Do you really think it was Heaven? I mean like, with angels—stop growling, you know what kind of angels I mean—and clouds, and stuff like that?"

"I'm not an expert, even if I am dead," Spike said, spinning his beer bottle around on the table. "Not sure what happens after we shuffle off. For all I know, old William went straight to heaven and was waiting there for someone like Buffy to come along. Doesn't matter, does it? Heaven is what you make it, and that was what Buffy made. Was where she was happy."

Buffy and Xander returned to the table, Xander reaching immediately for his warm beer and draining it. He pointed the empty bottle at Spike, saying, "Your turn next, deadboy. I'm all danced out."

Not deigning to answer, Spike just tipped his own beer up and emptied it. "As long as you're going..." he said, nodding towards the bar. Xander shoved his chair back and headed for the bar, muttering under his breath about deadbeat dead men and mooching vampires.

To the eyes of any other patrons, the small group looked very much like two couples on a double date, or four friends enjoying a night out. Buffy smiled to herself as she wondered what the other patrons would think if they knew that sitting at the table were a vampire, a slayer of vampires who had been recently dead and resurrected by the very powerful witch sitting next to the only ordinary human in the group.

Seeing her faint smile, Spike nudged her with his knee. "Penny for you thoughts?"

She shook her head. "I was just thinking how ordinary we probably look to everybody in here."

"And how very unordinary we actually are?"

"Something like that," she said with another small smile, this one just for him.

"Even if we weren't what we are, we wouldn't be ordinary," Spike said as Xander returned with the beers. "You and Red are drop dead gorgeous, I'm spectacularly handsome, and Harris is... " He stopped and frowned.

"You've got two seconds or I take my beer back."

"...good with wood," Spike finished with a grin, snatching the bottle away from him.

Buffy slumped back in her chair, feeling more relaxed and comfortable than she had in a long time. Spike and Xander were bickering, but not with the bitterness that had been so prevalent while she'd been ill, Willow seemed genuinely repentant and determined to earn back Tara's respect, and Buffy felt, if not happy, at least content. Content enough to leave her knee resting against Spike's under the table while the conversation ebbed and flowed around them.

~~~~~~~~~~




She was slouched back against the couch cushion, bemoaning the fact that she had yet to catch the Trio, as the Scoobies had taken to calling Warren and his two companions-in-annoyance, when Spike draped an arm over her shoulder to squeeze his silent support. Buffy leaned into him, her head resting against his chest in a familiar fashion. Without thinking, Spike dropped a kiss on her head, bringing his other arm around, pulling her closer. For several comfortable minutes they rested together, until Buffy realized what they were doing.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, pushing herself up and away from his comforting arms.

"Don't be," he replied, dropping the arm that had been holding her close, but leaving the one across her shoulders. "Don't want you to ever be sorry for turning to me – for anything."

"But it's not fair... I'm not stupid, Spike. I know you still want—"

"Shhhh, pet," he soothed, his free hand pushing her hair off her face. "What I want doesn't... I'll always want you. Can't deny it. But this... whatever it is... between us..." He shook his head helplessly. "Can't explain to you what it means to me that you've let me into your life like this. That you trust me enough to lean on me, to let me ease your way..."

Slowly, reluctantly, she sank back into his side, sighed with contentment when his arm went back around her and he pressed his lips to the top of her head again.

"This is nice," she whispered. "I've... I missed you. Not you, you, cause you've been here for me and I appreciate it, but..." She glanced up at him. "It feels good to be held."

"Anytime, pet. Anytime."


~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost too easily, Buffy took Spike at his word and cuddled next to him on those rare occasions when there was no one else around. As promised, he allowed her the comfort of his arms without any suggestion that he was using every ounce of self-control he had to keep himself from asking for more. It was on one of those late nights, when Dawn and Willow were asleep, that Buffy sank onto his shoulder, struggling to keep her eyes open long enough to watch the old movie in which he was so engrossed. She dozed off with her head leaning on his shoulder, and woke to find herself wrapped in his arms, her face pressed against his tee shirt.

Her hand rested against his chest, and her thumb unconsciously began to stroke the muscles under her hand. A familiar rumbling under her cheek tempted her to slide the hand up to the back of his neck to play with the soft hairs there. It wasn't until his lips met hers, that she realized she'd raised her head and tilted her mouth up to meet his. Her sigh at the familiar kiss was all it took for Spike's libido to take over, and he sent his tongue out to gently press its way into her mouth.

Promising herself she would stop soon, Buffy sank into the kisses she'd been missing more than she'd wanted to admit. Spike tasted of tobacco and whiskey, but the lips, if she closed her eyes and blanked her mind, were Will's. In no time her breath was coming harder and she was making small whimpering sounds as she struggled to end the make-out session before it escalated out of her control.

Spike continued to hold her tightly, running his lips down her neck and whispering, "Don't push me away, Buffy. I know you can love me. I know you can. Just let me..."

"No... We can't. I can't... Please, Spike." Buffy struggled feebly, sure that any second he would realize that she meant it. "Don't... don't do this."

"Let me love you... I know you feel it when I'm... Want you so bad, Buffy. I know you want me..."

It was becoming clear that he intended to push until she gave in and admitted that she wanted him. For just the briefest second she considered surrendering to the desire to lose herself in his touch again, to closing her eyes and allowing herself to be back in Will's arms, however temporarily. Her disgust that she would willingly use Spike's body while thinking about another man – this time with full knowledge that she was doing just that – finally overcame her weakness and she reacted with more force than she needed or intended.

"Oh God!" She pushed hard, wrenching herself away and huddling at the other end of the couch. She stared in guilt and horror at the expressions flying across his face.

Pain and disappointment had quickly turned to anger. "It's not a bloody apocalypse, dammit! The world isn't going to end if you admit you want me. Hell, as much time as we spend together, the Scoobies probably think we're shagging anyway."

"I can't, Spike," she whispered. "I don't want to use you that way again. And I can't..."

"If the next words out of your mouth are 'I can't love you because you aren't my human boyfriend,' I swear I'll bite you."

"You are him – or he's you – I don't know. I just know that he's not a soulless vampire and you are!"

"He's also not real, Buffy. Or have you forgotten that little bit of data? He's not real. I'm real. And I'm here and I love you. Soul or no soul." He shook his head. "And you love me – if you'd just admit it to yourself. You love me enough to put me into that imaginary world and make me your bloody fiancé!"

"Spike... when I... that world..." She shook her head in frustration at her inability to articulate her thoughts. "It's where I was when I was dead. It was Hea–a place that I... I could love you there. You weren't a formerly evil vampire, a killer of slayers – you were my very sweet and wonderful, human, soul-having boyfriend. But here..."

"Here I'm just the soulless demon who thinks he loves you. I got it, Slayer."

If the bitterness in his voice hadn't told her how he felt, his use of her title rather than her name did. Very rarely did he call her "Slayer" anymore. She was always Buffy. Or, sometimes, "love".

He stood up abruptly and walked to the door. With his hand on the knob, he looked back over his shoulder, taking in her anguished expression and the reluctant longing in her gaze.

"I'm going to fix this, Buffy. Don't wait up for me."





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