Dawn sat on the porch step and hugged her knees tightly. She had been watching the lazy way in which the clouds twisted in the night sky. It was so peaceful; and somehow a lot more comforting than the bright lights of indoors.
She knew he was there even before the smell of cigarette smoke reached her. He didn’t say hello, they’d got past the need for greetings a long time ago, but just sat down beside her.
“Not out breakin hearts tonight then bit?”
Dawn shook her head, her long chestnut hair swaying. “Nah, wasn’t feeling so valentinesy. What about you? I thought big-boobs-no-brain asked you out for dinner?”
Spike chuckled, “If you’re talkin about Harmony, and I’m guessin you are, then I politely declined her offer. Beginnin to worry I might come home to a bunny boilin on my stove if I keep refusin to go out with the crazy bint, but I think I’d rather that to spendin an evenin talkin about Paris, or her soddin unicorn collection.”
Dawn grinned despite herself. “You are such a crazy ho magnet.”
Spike bumped his shoulder into hers. “Is that why you hang out with me nibblet?”
Dawn rolled her eyes, “It’s the only reason I can think of. I know why you hang out with me though.”
Spike raised an eyebrow, and threw his cigarette butt to the ground. “Is that right?”
“Well yeah.” Dawn looked expressively towards the house. “Buffy.”
****
Dawn loved Buffy. After their mother died Buffy had been all the family she had, all the family she needed. Apart from Spike.
As older sisters went Buffy was one of the good ones. She was funny and smart and brave and a million other wonderful things.
She was Buffy, her big sister, and her friend. But having a big sister, who by definition kicked ass, had its downsides too.
For as long as Dawn could remember all of her clothes had been Buffy hand me downs, all of her toys she’d had to share, and everything she achieved had already been achieved before.
Dawn used to think of herself as Buffy’s shadow, just what was left over from the light cast by her sister.
She’d never had anything of her own, anything which was just hers. Until she’d met Spike.
They’d both been in need of some extra cash one summer and found themselves working at the same cafe. The first thing Dawn had thought when she saw him in his tight black uniform was yum. He had a body to die for, cheekbones which could break hearts all on their own and eyes so impossibly blue they were almost painful to look at. His shock of platinum blonde hair, constantly in a messy disarray of short curls, completed the look. The first time he’d spoken to her, and she heard the accent, she just about died. He was every teenage girls fantasy come to vivid life.
Then she talked to him, and realised he was so much more than just sex god good looks.
He was so funny, a sarky remark or a well timed raised eyebrow would have her in hysterics. He was smart too, as much of a book nerd as she was, though he hid it better. And he was kind. Beneath the big bad attitude he adopted around most people he was so considerate, so sweet.
Spike also did something no one else had ever done. When he looked at Dawn he saw her. He really saw her. When he looked at her she wasn’t anybodies daughter, or sister. She wasn’t an employee or student, a colleague or a ‘hot piece of ass’. She was just Dawn. Though Spike was a few of years older than her he never treated her like a kid. She could totally be herself around him, and he seemed to like the person she was.
Dawn’s initial crush subsided as something far more thrilling emerged from their acquaintance. Friendship. Real friendship. The kind that comes around maybe once in a lifetime.
They started to hang out together after work finished. They’d go for walks, or he’d give her driving lessons in his death trap of a car. He started teaching her how to play the guitar and she taught him how to cook exotic and inedible things. She tried to teach him about the joys of modern American film, he tried to teach her about the joys of crappy old English punk music.
She became his nibblet. He became her best friend.
Dawn had been so excited about introducing Spike to her family, but nervous too. Her mom had been insistent that she meet this older guy who took up so much of her baby’s time. Joyce had worried that Spike would be like Angel, Buffy’s far too old and far too possessive boyfriend, but he took her completely by surprise.
Spike was thoughtful, and sincere, polite without being a suck up. He was protective of Dawn, but in the same way an older brother would have been. The feelings between them were clearly strong, but completely platonic. Joyce was soon smitten with him.
Buffy had been away on a gap year Angel insisted they take (for her personal ‘growth’) so by the time she met him Spike had become a pretty permanent feature at the Summers house. He had stayed away for the first few days after Buffy’s return, so they could have some time as a family, but Joyce insisted that he came for his usual Friday dinner.
Spike had been nervous about meeting the famous ‘Buffy’ the brilliant older sister his little Bit felt so inferior to. His natural instinct, to put her down in order to make Dawn feel better, warred with his common sense telling him to make a good impression.
Buffy was equally curious to meet Spike, a guy who had wormed his way into the hearts of her mom and her precious little sister. If it turned out his feelings for Dawn were not as innocent as she claimed Buffy would have no worries about kicking his ass.
In the end their meeting was unlike either would have expected.
Dawn saw it, the minute their eyes met for the first time, and it made her heart constrict in her chest.
It was like a movie, when the hero and the heroine see each other for the first time, and the whole world fades away, leaving only them.
There weren’t just sparks flying between them, but flames. A ferocious thread of fire which ensnared them both inescapably. Dawn saw it, and it killed her.
Spike was her friend. He was hers. But just five minutes with her sister and she’d lost him. From that day on she might still have his friendship, but she’d lost his heart to Buffy.
Not that Spike and Buffy acted as though they realised it though. Over the next couple of years they seemed determined to deny their connection, even as it threatened to engulf them.
They traded insults and barbs constantly, often ending up at each other’s throats. Dawn had to referee, stopping their teasing before it got out of hand. They claimed to hate each other, yet neither could stay away.
To the outside world Dawn and Spike seemed as close as ever, Spike certainly loved her as much as he had ever done. He would threaten any boys who tried to take her out, and surprise her with road trips or turn up at college to give her a random present. They were still best friends in every sense, but Dawn knew that Spike would never be as open with her as he once had been.
She could see his attraction to Buffy every time they were in the same room, she could see it in his every movement, see it overflowing from his eyes, but he never once mentioned it. It was one topic they could never talk about, and Dawn hated having such a restriction on their friendship.
Buffy was the same. She watched Spike constantly, when she could get away with it. She made sure she wasn’t going out when she knew he was coming over, and sometimes she could hardly hide her fierce jealousy over his close friendship with Dawn, but she never spoke of it, never brought it up with Dawn.
To Joyce’s delight Buffy’s relationship with Angel fizzled out, and Buffy seemed to lose interest in dating. Dawn saw what her mother did not. Buffy hadn’t lost interest in dating. She’d just lost interest in dating anyone but Spike.
Why they never told each other how they felt, when it was so glaringly obvious, made no sense to Dawn at all, but she certainly wasn’t going to encourage them. She knew it was selfish, but as long as they weren’t together Spike was still hers. No matter what new ho bag he dated he still said Dawn was his number one girl. If he and Buffy got together it would be for keeps, an all consuming and ever lasting love, and Dawn would never be his number one girl again.
She didn’t actively keep them apart, but she didn’t help them come together either. She knew on some level that they denied their feelings for her sake. Spike was first and foremost her friend, he would never do anything to hurt her, and putting the love he felt for her sister above the affection he felt for her would hurt, Dawn couldn’t pretend otherwise. And Buffy loved her sister far too much to try and take her best friend away from her.
Dawn did feel guilty sometimes, but then she would spend a night playing poker with Spike and his buddies or doing girly makeovers with Buffy and she knew she didn’t want things to change.
Things did change though. Things changed horribly. Joyce got sick. Really sick. Then she died.
Dawn was only nineteen, she still needed her mom.
And Buffy was only twenty two, she wasn’t ready yet to face the world without the unwavering support of her wonderful mother.
Spike became a tower of strength for them both. He looked after them when they felt unable to look after themselves. He made them laugh when the grief was threatening to drag them into despair. And he reminded them both that they could still feel something other than anger and pain.
Dawn had realised something then, through the awful haze of mourning. She realised that Buffy needed Spike as much as she did. Buffy needed his lightness to combat her gravity. Buffy didn’t need his guidance, but she needed his strength, his loyalty. She needed the way he would support her in every decision. Even if it turned out to be the wrong decision, he would let her find out for herself.
Dawn wasn’t ready to give Spike up, but she was willing to share, so now the false animosity between Spike and Buffy had cooled she encouraged the tentative steps towards friendship they’d made.
Dawn started suggesting that they do things as a three, that they restart the Friday dinners Joyce had loved so much. They started going to the movies together, or out for drives.
At first it was fun, but then the looks started. Buffy would look at Spike, or Spike would look at Buffy. They’d either look quickly away, or hold each others gazes for stupid amounts of time, and blush or smile secret smiles. Their bitching was back, but it was flirty now, heavy innuendoes which inspired much lip biting, or threats which sounded far too much like promises.
Dawn began to feel like a chaperone, a third wheel.
She’d been there the first time they’d actually touched. The atmosphere had been light and jokey one minute, then charged with electricity the next. Spike had reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind Buffy’s ear. He’d done the same thing to Dawn a thousand times, but he’d never grazed her cheek that way, or looked at her as though all the beauty in the world could be seen in her eyes.
Buffy had seemed amazed, unconsciously leaning into Spikes touch. Spike took a step towards her and Buffy drew in a sharp breath, her attention suddenly focused on his full lips.
Dawn couldn’t bear to watch as they formed their own universe, one where she was excluded, so she coughed pointedly. The spell was immediately broken, and they’d stepped hurriedly apart, though not without a look or two of longing.
And now it was Valentines Day. And instead of being inside with the woman he loved Spike was sat outside with her sister.
Dawn had grown up a lot since her mother died, she’d had too. She knew now how horribly short life could be, how cruel and unfair it was. She had found a gift in Spike, but he was not her gift to keep. With just a little prodding from her Spike and Buffy would get together, and have the happiness they both deserved.
She hadn’t been brave enough to do it before, to give up the only thing that had ever been hers.
In the end though it was about love. Dawn loved Buffy, and Dawn loved Spike. Their happiness meant more to her than anything, even her own.
Sitting out on that back porch, watching the night sky with her best friend, Dawn knew it was time, she had to let Spike go.
“You know she loves you right?” Dawn kept her voice light, casual, but she watched Spike from the corner of her eye for his reaction.
She saw a muscle in his cheek clench, and his eyes swimming with something which seemed so very much like hope. “Who does?”
Dawn let out a very put on sigh. “Buffy, you idiot. She loves you.”
A look of such heartfelt wonder crossed Spikes features it almost brought Dawn to tears. He couldn’t believe her though, wouldn’t let himself believe it. He didn’t deserve that kind of happiness, not him. “No she doesn’t bit, but thanks for sayin it.”
Dawn glared at him, “Oh she doesn’t? Really? Then how come when the paper comes on a Sunday she checks your horoscope before hers? How come if she knows you’re coming over she has to run off and get changed?” Spike still looked painfully doubtful, so Dawn, after reminding herself that men could be very thick sometimes, ploughed on. “And how come she said no when Riley asked her out?”
Spikes voice had become a little husky, “cos he’s a great hulkin moron, with about as much personality as a piece of cardboard?”
Dawn rolled her eyes. “No, you’re the moron. She didn’t know I was there, but I heard her. She said no cos there was ‘someone else in her heart’. Just encase you’re still being really slow, she meant you. She asks about you all the time you know. And when she knows I’m going to meet you she gets all fidgety, like she’s desperate to come too but too embarrassed to ask if she can. And – “ Dawn said the next bit as though it explained everything, “If she doesn’t love you how come I found a Sex Pistols CD in her room?”
Spike was silent for a long time. The timbre of his voice when he did speak made Dawn feel worse than ever that she hadn’t made the two of them see sense before. “You think so Bit? You think she really loves me?”
Dawn crushed the urge to say, ‘well, duh’, and nodded. “I don’t think, I know Spike. She loves you, just like you love her.”
Spike raised an eyebrow in surprise and this time Dawn couldn’t help snorting. “You can’t seriously think I never noticed how you feel about her? Hello, I have eyes, and I’m not a total idiot. It’s so obvious you guys are meant for each other, how about you both get a clue and make it happen?”
Spike let out a shaky laugh, “When did you get so grown up nibblet? And how come I never noticed?”
Dawn shrugged, but couldn’t keep a little bitterness from her voice. “Because you were too busy making moon eyes at my sister. She’s inside you know, she was all set for spending a lonely Valentines Day watching trashy movies, go make her night already.”
Spike looked towards the house with intense eyes, but he surprised Dawn by not immediately rushing in. Instead he looked back at her, and took her hand in his. He squeezed it, and Dawn felt unwelcome tears prick her eyes. She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Go on then. She’s waiting for you. She’s been waiting for years.”
Without letting go of her hand Spike put his other arm around her and squeezed. Against her will Dawn leaned into him.
When he spoke his voice was low, and full of so many things. “You know Bit, after my mum died I didn’t have anyone. Not a soul who cared about me, or a soul I cared about. When I moved here I thought maybe I could get a fresh start, maybe make a few friends. I never thought I’d find a new family. Then I met you. You’re more than just my best friend, you’re my family Bit, my blood. And I love you more than I’ve ever said.”
Dawn felt an involuntary tear slide down her cheek. As though he could sense it Spike moved to the side and raised her face up with his hand. He brushed her tear away with the pad of his thumb.
“You just love my sister more.” Dawn knew she sounded like a child but she couldn’t help it.
Spike shook his head. “Not more Bit, just differently. Buffy’s in my system, can’t deny it. She’s in my head. But you’re both in my heart. You bloody Summers women know just how to wrap me round you’re little fingers, a bloke can’t help but love you. Dawn, nibblet, you’re so strong, and smart and fun, and beautiful. Don’t ever feel inferior, cos you’re not. Me and you were meant to meet, we belong to each other Bit, always will. We’re family. But Buffy... god Buffy, she’s – she’s –“
“The One?” Dawn finished for him, and smiled a little.
Spike nodded and lit up a cigarette with a shaking hand. “Who would have thought it eh? That insufferable chit, with all her bitchy ways, and stupid, bouncy shampoo commercial hair. Most the time I feel like strangling her. Or kissing her to death.” Spike shook his head, “And yet I dream about her. She’s in me, a part of me. A part I didn’t even know I was missin. She’s the thorn in my bloody side... but she’s a hell of a woman... she’s the one.” He looked up at the stars. “Reckon I was destined to meet her too you know. If I hadn’t I think part of me would have known she was out there somewhere... I would have missed her even if I’d never known her. I would’ve been less of a man for not loving her. Loving you.” He looked back at Dawn. “Don’t reckon I could live without my girls now. And... and you’re sure she loves me?”
Dawn laughed through her tears and punched him on the arm. “Yes I’m sure. I think it’s time you strapped on a pair and faced her, don’t you? Valentines Day’s almost over.”
Spike threw his cigarette butt away and exhaled noisily. “Don’t approve of the phrasing Bit, but I can’t argue with the sentiment. It’s now or never right?”
Dawn nodded and got to her feet so he would do them same.
He suddenly, impulsively, pulled her in for a fierce hug. “Love you bit. Always will. And I’ll always need you. Got a feelin lovin you’re sister won’t always be candy canes and puppy dogs. Gonna need you to save me when she drives me round the bend, and I’m gonna need you to remind her of how great I am when we fall out. Which we will.”
Dawn chuckled. “God, I’m always gonna be stuck in the middle aren’t I?”
Spike pulled away and gave her a crooked grin. “Bein stuck between two people who love you won’t be too bad will it?”
Seeing the brightness in Spike’s eyes, hearing the love in his voice, made Dawn’s happiness less bitter and more sweet. “No Spike, It won’t be too bad.”
Spike nodded towards the house. “You comin in?”
Dawn shook her head, “Nah, think I might go for a walk, maybe go to the Bronze and see whose about. You two... enjoy yourselves.”
Spike blushed adorably and coughed uncomfortably. “Well, wish me luck then yeah?”
Dawn smiled in response and gave him an encouraging shove.
Spike straightened his back, took a deep breath, and opened the door, the door to his future.
He was already inside when Dawn whispered, “Good luck Spike.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Even though this is from Dawns pov it is spuffy! Happy valentines day!!
Chapter End Notes:
Thinking of doing a short sequel, of Buffy's point of view of that night, something a bit spuffier and a lot dirtier, what do you guys think?