Author's Chapter Notes:
I am SUPER sorry this one took so long to post, I'm having writer's block and my silly friend decided to have people over the other day, which meant that I couldn't be a hermit and stay inside writing =( AND I AM SUPER NERVOUS ABOUT THIS CHAPTER I FEEL LIKE I COULDN'T WRITE IT WELL NO MATTER WHAT I DID. 22 might take a while cuz it is NOT writing itself but hope ya like this one! =)
Buffy was so taken off guard at first that for a second she didn’t even react, then as soon as her brain caught up with her, the blonde pushed her ex away and slapped him across the cheek.

Before Angel could even turn his head back to her, the brunette was shoved up against the front door, his back slamming violently into the wood with Spike holding him there.

The Brit’s arm was across Angel’s throat as he slammed his fist next to the other man’s head. “What the fucking hell do you think you’re doing?!” He shouted in his face.

“Spike!” Buffy yelled. God, this really ranked high on the suckage scale.

Angel was breathing hard as he struggled beneath the strength of the other man. “What’re ya gonna do, ‘Spike’?” He said the Brit’s name in a snide tone. “Fight for your ‘girlfriend’? Don’t you know you’re not good enough for her, that she doesn’t want you?”
He snarled. “Shut your bloody gob before-”

“Spike!” Buffy grabbed his arm and he stilled, nostrils flaring and jaw clenching on overdrive. “Come on…” She spoke gently and pulled on his arm again. When he didn’t move she kept tugging. “Spike, let’s go. Come on!” She finally managed to wretch him away from Angel and the brunette relaxed against the door.

Spike stood stock still and ignored Buffy’s insistent pulling on his hand. He felt hot fury racing through his veins, and all he wanted- ALL HE BLODDY WELL WANTED –was to rip off Angel’s head. He couldn’t believe the bastard actually tried touching Buffy. And the things the brunette said, they got to Spike. He hated to admit it, but they got to him.

The Pratt boy knew he wasn’t good enough for her, he’d found that out after the night of the carnival. Except he couldn’t let her go, he knew that he needed her and he also hoped that she needed him. He saw something inside of her that SHE hadn’t been able to see, or refused to see, and Spike knew that he was the perfect person to help Buffy discover that part of herself. But he also knew that she could do better than him. She could learn more about herself, she could accept the parts of her personality that she hadn’t yet explored, and she could become a happier person for it all; but she could also, after he was through teaching her things, after she no longer got excited about the things he made her feel, she could move on. She deserved better than a guy who liked cars, wrote bloody awful poetry, and stole, and didn’t go to class. She deserved better.

And that knowledge was the thing that scared him the most in the world.

That knowledge was the major thing Spike avoided and refused to think about on a daily basis. Buffy Anne Summers was strong and shining, she was smart and witty. She wasn’t perfect by any means, but that’s what made her perfect. She was just Buffy. He wanted her with everything in his body and soul, and if he lost her, he’d crumble. She could make her own decisions and she was her own person, she didn’t need protecting or coddling, even though Spike would always watch over her no matter what she did. And he just hoped that she saw something worthwhile in him after she no longer felt like she needed him, because he was in far too deep to lose her without falling apart.

So that’s why, when her past love had said those things about being unworthy, and in front of Buffy no less, Spike had used every ounce of control in himself to stop from lunging at Angel.

“You stay the hell away from her.” Spike growled. No way was anyone going to get in between him and his girl. She was HIS dammit! He couldn’t lose her and even if she decided she wanted better than him in the future, no way was he going ANYWHERE without a fight.

She spoke before Angel could make a comment. “Spike, please- let’s go- NOW.” The woman finally managed to get her boyfriend to follow her out of the room.

Buffy was in a daze. She could have sworn there was more than just wrath in Spike’s eyes when he was attacking her ex. She could have sworn she’d seen something that made tears well up in her own eyes. She’d seen doubt. Doubt in something, she wasn’t sure what, but there was doubt and it had her questioning just about everything.

She tugged Spike outside, through the backyard, and through the gate to the front of the house.

He let her pull him away, they both needed time to be alone together and have contact. Physical contact.

He needed her. She needed him. And that was all that mattered.

Buffy pulled him by his tank top and pushed herself up against a tree trunk. She was letting him have the dominating position. She knew he needed it, she needed it. She was all his.

He kissed her before she could even think. The amount of desperation and anxiety in his kiss was breaking her heart. His hands were in her hair and hers were on his face. They couldn’t break apart.

Through the sweet and hot mingling of their mouths, while she was drunk on the taste of him and loving the feeling of his hands gripping her waist, she figured it out. The doubt. Why it had been there.

He doubted her and her feelings for him. He doubted himself, too. He doubted their relationship.

The only thing that managed to separate the couple was a desperate need for air a couple minutes later. “You know don’t you? You know that I love you right?” She asked while holding back tears. “A- Angel shoved his tongue down my throat- I swear he means nothing to me anymore- you understand? Nothing! And I saw- how you looked at him…” She trailed off in a quiet insecure tone, breathing raggedly from nerves and long Spike kissage. “Spike, you looked scared. N- Not of him but of what he was saying and… Do you doubt me?”

Spike’s heart dropped. Oh God how did she read him so well? How the fucking fuck did she understand exactly what he was thinking when he hadn’t even said anything. He knew what was next. He’d tell her the truth, because he couldn’t lie to her, and then she’d say something along the lines of “You mean everything to me, and I will never leave you.” And sure, pretty words like that would soothe the wounds and worries for a while, but then reality would creep back in and-

“Spike, remember when I told you about my dad leaving?” She saw everything in his eyes; it was as if she could read the words that were going through his head. She knew what he felt and then she realized WHY he felt it.

He didn’t know. God he didn’t know all that he meant to her.

The Brit nodded, fighting back tears as he rested his forehead against hers and cupped the back of her head in his hands. He was just breathing so hard.

“Right. Well do you remember how I told you about the DAY he left, when I was thirteen and- and what he said to me?” Her voice was shaky.

Spike nodded silently again.

Buffy threaded her fingers into the hair at the back of his head and nodded hers. “Well when he looked at me that day, and he said ‘Goodbye Buffy’ even after I begged him to stay and cried my eyes out. Even after I pulled on his white dress shirt and asked him to please stay for my mom and my sister. Even after I said he didn’t have to stay for me, he just needed to stay for Dawn or my mom or for the short distance between his work and the house- just for something! Even after I stood in the doorway when he was driving away and I waved to him, he left… And he didn’t even wave back.” She bit her lip as a tear rolled down her cheek. That was when Spike opened his eyes and looked at her before he started talking. “Oh baby, don’t cry, plea-”

“He didn’t even wave back.” She interrupted before continuing. “Spike, he was my FATHER and he left me, even after I BEGGED him to stay and… and even with Angel, I never felt secure. I was never able to say that I knew for SURE that he would stay by my side. Not Riley or Owen or Parker OR Angel… I have NEVER felt secure before. I’m always afraid someone’s going to leave me and…” The girl kissed him sweetly before pulling away, tears streaming down her cheeks now. “I never even ONCE, not even for a single minute, felt like you’d abandon me; even if I got scared sometimes or I had bad thoughts of you not caring, I always FELT that you would never let me go. No one’s made me feel like that since I was thirteen years old and that is why I fell in love with you, William Pratt. Because you make me feel safe and feel like I can screw up and fall down… and I know that you’ll always be there to pick me up.” She laughed with wet eyes and a sniffle. “And you’re stubborn as hell so even if I DID kick you to the curb, I know that you wouldn’t leave. I know that you’re as hard headed as I am and that you’re way more sensitive than you like to admit, and that you clench your jaw when you’re angry and that you have eyelashes that should sooooo not be on a guy. And that you love onions cuz you had an obscene amount on your burger while we were at The Bunny Hutch. And I know that you most likely have reading glasses at home hidden in your bedroom somewhere, because I saw an empty bottle of contact solution in your car, and I’m not even going to ask WHY that was in your CAR of all places. And I know that you’re the ‘Big Bad’ who wears leather and at the same time loves poetry. And I know that you have more strength and more passion and love in your heart than any other person I’ve met in my WHOLE life. I know that you’re still not over losing your mom and you probably never will be… and I also know, for reasons I just plain do not understand, that you love me- Buffy; a scared little blonde girl. A girl who hasn’t been able to trust a guy she’s cared about since her father abandoned her four years ago. A girl who talks too much, can’t drive, and is inexperienced in just about everything. A girl who has never felt more comfortable or safer than when she’s in your arms. YOUR arms, Spike.” She cupped his face with her hands. “No one else’s.”

Spike felt torn apart, split in half, and sewn back together with a strong thread that stung and burned and soothed all at once. He was soaring and at seeing her tears he brushed them away with his thumbs, shaking like a leaf and needing his beautiful, perfect girl more than ever before.

“I love you and there is nothing that is going to change that.” She whispered to him with utter resoluteness.

Spike was thoroughly and completely undone. He would walk through hell for this woman if she asked him to. She hadn’t said what he expected, and he loved her even more for declaring what she had. It was hard for her to say but she’d said it anyways because he’d needed to hear it. The man attacked her lips with his and swore to God and the Devil and everything else in between, that he would never be letting Buffy go. Never.

He pulled away to speak determinedly and with complete passion and resolve. “I love you. Bloody hell, I love you so, so much. Forever, I am completely yours, Buffy. Christ-” He was kissing her face everywhere he could as he spoke. “Forever.”

She was smiling and the tears wouldn’t stop, but now they were there for a different reason. “You understand now? Because I don’t ever wanna see that look in your eyes that I saw when- Mmm!” He interrupted her with another kiss.

He broke away. “Love, I get it. I still can’t quite believe it but- Christ I get it. And I’m gonna spend however long I can loving you and showing you everything you want to see.”
“Hey! Not that I have a problem with that plan but you do know that I’m not just in love with how you make me feel free and different- I’m in love with YOU.”

The man was breathing raggedly. “Yes, yes, yes, and I don’t think I could ever let you go now that you’ve made me aware of tha’ lil fact. You’re stuck with me, Summers.”

“Pfft! Who are you kidding? I was stuck with you the moment we kissed at the carnival.” She smiled warmly and wrapped her arms around his neck. The tears were finally drying.
“True statement, poodle. Hope you’re okay with that…”
“Poodle? Hmm.” She frowned softly then smiled. “And I’ve never been okay-er.” She stood up on tip toes and kissed him deeply.

Spike hugged her waist. He was tasting heaven and he wasn’t going to ever give it up.

Buffy was thinking the same thing
.
“Buffy?! Buffy Anne Summers, where are yo- Oh!” Joyce stilled, staring at the picture in front of her, of Buffy and her boyfriend making out against a tree. She could have really gone through life without seeing this.

Buffy and Spike broke apart at the “Oh!” part of that sentence. Then Buffy promptly blanched and cringed. Really? Her mother? NOW?! Guh, she couldn’t catch a break! “Sorry mom! We’ll um… be there in a minute!”

Joyce nodded with her hand covering her eyes. “Yes you both will! Now… hurry up!” Then she turned and left.

Spike looked up at the sky and groaned. “She still gonna think I’m ‘adorable’ now, kitten?”
Buffy laughed and looked at the ground, idly wondering how he could refer to her as "poodle" on minute and then "kitten" the next. “Oh I hope so. C’mon, let’s go before we start crying and kissing all over again.” She wiped at his eyes and he took her hands and kissed them.

“Alright. But I hope you know that if that ex f’yours so much as looks at you, I’ll kill him.”
Buffy groaned. “God! I completely forgot about him- ugh, okay. Look, you be good and ignore him, alright. Promise me? I already slapped him and my mom would HATE to see you getting all violent.”
He took a deep breath and pulled her closer. “Baby, if he even THINKS of coming near you again, he’s dead, ya got me?”
She sighed. She knew she wasn’t going to win this one. “Just please TRY and control yourself. For me?”

Spike swallowed. “For you.” The boy nodded but knew he might very well pummel Captain Forehead before this bloody barbecue was over.

***

Buffy sat down at the now filled picnic table. Everyone held a seat, and she and Spike were together at the end. And since neither blonde thought ahead of time about seating arrangements, Dawn and TJ were across from them, with Angel sitting next to Dawn.

Meaning, that Spike and Buffy, were both close enough to Angel to hate where they were sitting.

Soon enough conversation set in. And through all the chattering, Angel didn’t act awkward or wary, just normal. He joined in with the adults while Dawn and TJ held hands under the table, and Spike sat ready to pounce while Buffy kept darting her eyes back and forth between her boyfriend and her ex.

After about ten minutes of no one bothering the teenaged couple, Joyce realized Spike hadn’t been formally introduced to either TJ’s or Angel’s parents.

“Oh William?”

Spike wiped his mouth with a napkin and turned toward Buffy’s mother. “Yes, Joyce?”

He asked the question in a higher class version of his own accent and Buffy wondered if he always did that when he was talking to adults. Probably not, she thought. Probably just people whose opinions he cares about. Which wouldn’t be many.

“I forgot to introduce you to everyone. I know you already met Dawn, and you also know both Angel and TJ…” She gestured with her hand to each person as she named them. “These are TJ’s parents, Bob and Marsha Scott.” The married couple nodded in greeting, and Spike said hello. Then Joyce listed the last two people. “And these are Angel’s parents, Derek and Alice O’Connor.”

Spike offered a polite greeting and silently urged himself to stay civil. After all it wasn’t Peaches’ parents who’d been macking on Buffy.

After Joyce informed those at the table who didn’t know, that William was Buffy’s boyfriend, Mr. O’Connor started up a conversation with the teenagers. “So how long have you two kids been dating?”
“About a week.” Buffy answered, playing with the pop top on her soda can. She felt really uncomfortable talking about this with her ex’s father, but he’d asked. She was just hoping he would change the topic soon.

“Ah, I see. Ya know I figured you two were together when I noticed you both earlier. You seemed all… all… Ugh, what’s the word Alice?”
“Lovey-dovey?” His wife offered.
“Yeah, that works. Anyway, ya two just had that look about ya. Like my Liam here used to have when he used to go with you, Buffy.”

Buffy almost choked on her food. She coughed and took a large sip of her soda, gently touching Spike’s hand before he could break the plastic fork he held. “W- Well, um… I guess so.”
“Yeah, ya know before my son here decided to spit out his brains and break it off with you, I thought you two were gonna get married.”

Buffy almost fainted. Either Angel’s dad had turned into a colossal dick since she’d last seen him, or he wanted her and his son back together.

Or ya know, he was just really, really dumb.

Spike for his part, managed to not attack the older man. Buffy was rather proud of him actually.

Thankfully, Mr. O’Connor didn’t continue with the “Angel and Buffy are meant to be” speech. “You know, my wife and I were high school sweethearts. But we weren’t a perfect couple. Actually we broke up for a little while.”

Alice nodded in agreement before Derek started again. “Then, while we were broken up, Alice met a new man. They started going steady for a while and that’s when I realized…” He turned his head towards his wife. “…that I couldn’t live without her. And so I fought for her and ya know what?”
“What, dad?” Angel smiled and asked imploringly. This was the first time he’d said anything in the conversation and Buffy hated the smirk he held on his face.

Spike sat completely still, not moving a muscle. Buffy actually wondered if he was breathing or not.

Derek continued. “I married her!” The man started laughing, obviously very proud with his ending. Alice, Joyce, and The Scott’s all smiled before Bob started telling the story of his and Marsha’s romantic history. That was when Angel turned his bemused, cocky expression towards Spike and offered a knowing nod of the head.

Buffy was mentally screaming at the horribleness of the situation.

She knew that nothing good could come from Mr. O’Connor’s story combined with Angel’s sarcastic sympathetic expression, and so the Summers girl grabbed Spike’s head and smashed her lips to his before he could cause a scene. She managed to prevent her boyfriend’s plan to lunge across the table at Angel and the girl didn’t care one bit if her mother scolded her for the PDA this time.

As their tongues intertwined and their lips touched, all Buffy could think was how much she hoped Spike knew that Angel was wrong. That everything she’d told her boyfriend out front against that tree was the truth and that she loved him.

Spike did know it. And the expression he saw out of the corner of his eye that NOW rested on Angel’s face was extremely uplifting. So the Brit smiled into the kiss and pulled Buffy closer, wrapping his arms around her ribcage and breathing her in, loving her.

Buffy kind of forgot that she was trying to confirm her feelings for Spike through her kiss and COMPLETELY forgot that Angel was even sitting across from them. She forgot about everything. All she felt and all she knew was Spike and his kiss, his taste. She loved him and dear God it would kill her if she ever lost him.

Spike was just about to pull her onto his lap when Joyce cleared her throat pointedly and Buffy pulled away, breathless. His girl gulped and looked into his eyes as she let out a hasty “Sorry mom.”

Spike just grinned.

Angel sat across the table fuming. It was one thing to see Buffy with another man, but THAT had pushed him too far…

Conversation between Joyce and the adults who hadn’t noticed the little make out session went on simply. Dawn and TJ had actually excused themselves before the kissing had even started.

Spike and Buffy quickly decided it’d be best to finish eating fast before anything else was said or done to cause a disaster. When their plates were empty the woman went to grab her bag from inside the house that held everything she needed for tonight. She knew that since her and Spike had stayed for a while and had both eaten, her mom would let them leave for the evening.

Spike picked up their empty plates and pop cans and went inside to throw them away.

It was going on five-thirty now. There were two reasons him and Buffy were leaving before the gang was actually supposed to gather at the circle. For one, neither of the two blondes thought it’d be a good idea to stay any longer. And secondly, Joyce would be wondering what it was they were planning for the evening if they didn’t leave Buffy’s house until eight o’clock at night.

Spike tossed away the garbage and heard the back door open and close. He didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. “What d’you want, Peaches?”

Angel stood on the opposite side of the island. “Oh ya know, just wanted to chat ‘William’.”
Spike gripped the counter. His back was still facing the brunette. “A chat eh?” He turned around. “There isn’t much you’re gonna be able to say before I decide I wanna pummel your arse. Best idea here would be to jus-”

“Ah ah ah ‘Willy’. You can’t start a fight here. It’d be an insult to Buffy’s mom. Besides…” Angel crossed his arms and sighed dramatically. “I don’t really think Joyce would like her daughter dating someone who encouraged violence, now do you?”

Spike’s jaw clenched. “Guess you’re right. Wouldn’t wanna waste my time on you anyway. S’not like you’re a threat.”

Angel actually had the audacity to laugh. “Oh see that’s where you’re wrong. So so wrong.” His lips curled upwards a little as he took a few steps over to the other side of the counter. “I’ll always be a threat to you, Spike. Buffy and I are- Oh I’m sorry…” He waved his hand in the air and smiled with fake sweetness, as if he was just humoring the other man in editing his sentence. “I guess ‘were’ is more… appropriate. Well anyway, we WERE perfect together. A girl never forgets her first love… especially one like ours.”

“Yeah well…” Spike took a step closer to the guy he REALLY wanted to kill and his nostrils flared. “Looks like she’s learned from her mistakes.”

Angel took another step, too. Now the men’s chests were only about an inch or two apart.

“Well, she should be coming back to me pretty soon then. I’d say you’re the mistake.”
“She wouldn’t touch you, you arrogant prick.” Spike growled. “Buffy is done with your pathetic arse, and she’s a smart enough girl to be through with you. You left her and now she knows that you did her- and ME… a favor, mate.”
Angel swallowed and gritted his teeth. “If I want her back there is NOTHING you can do to stop me, ‘Spike’. Buffy will always love me and she’ll never be yours- Oh wait…” He smiled, succeeding in sending Spike’s temper higher and higher. “You already know that don’t you.”

Spike’s hands fisted at his sides as his anger flared. “You are ONE step away-”

“From what? C’mon Spike, ya know it’s true. Didn’t you have a first love? A person before you met Buffy?” Angel asked, his eyes twinkling. Spike’s silence was all he needed for an answer. “Yeah, and don’t you think about her every now and then? Don’t you wonder about what could have been with that chick, whoever she was, if you two hadn’t broken up?” The Brit said nothing and the brunette nodded. “Yeah… and don’t you wish that it’d never ended between you and your ex. Isn’t there at least some part of you that MISSES her?”

Spike swallowed. The stuff Angel was saying was pushing him to the brink. The brunette’s taunts weren’t even CLOSE to things concerning Drusilla. What Spike felt for his ex wasn’t complicated, and he didn’t want her back, he wanted BUFFY. Angel’s words simply weren’t true. However, the Poof didn’t have the right to know anything about Spike’s past.

And so Angel was still royally succeeding in pissing him off.

The taller man smiled and quickly, just for a second, let his eyes focus on the woman he’d seen walk into the doorway of the kitchen a minute or so ago. He grinned mentally.
“C’mon Spike, admit it… you’d rather be with your past love, whoever the girl was, and you feel that way because she was your whole world. Just like Buffy was mine… and I was hers.” Another string that was holding Spike’s control broke.
“And oh wait!” Angel could see the other man was about to snap, which was just what he wanted. “You miss your ex, you still have feelings for her because she was your first love. And if you admit that, then you can also admit that first loves never go away…”

Spike never noticed the blonde behind him leaving the room in tears.

Angel smiled when he saw the girl run away. Now all he had to do was get Spike to break. “… and so doesn’t that mean…” He squint his eyes as he looked directly into the blues of the other man. “… that Buffy still loves me?”

Spike was done. He landed a punch to Angel’s face so hard and fast that the other man could only stumble back into the counter, holding his face and… and laughing.

All of a sudden there was a shout and all eyes went to TJ who’d just witnessed the punch and was now running off to report it to his parents.

Spike suddenly realized what he’d just done and swore under his breath; Joyce would definitely not like this. And neither would Buffy. Buffy- Shit! He’d promised to try and behave, he’d promised to keep it under control. The man ignored Angel’s dramatic moans behind him, not even wondering why the giant sod wasn’t fighting back. Maybe Buffy’s mum wouldn’t react as badly to this as he thought. The only problem was that he knew that with the whole Riley history, she probably would. Spike shook his head, rolled his eyes, and groaned. Joyce had also witnessed Buffy and himself macking on each other twice now, which was never a good thing, parents seeing that stuff.

***

Buffy ran up to her bedroom in tears. She threw the bag she’d been holding onto the ground and flung herself on the bed.

She swallowed. How could someone NOT speaking, saying no words, not even a response, hurt so much? He’d kept silent and it had killed her. It felt like she was… God, she didn’t know what the feeling inside of her was but she hated it. She HATED it!

She had walked into the kitchen just as her ex had asked Spike if he’d ever had a first love. And when Spike hadn’t said anything to Angel’s continuing accusations, it had confirmed them, and it had felt like a bullet through Buffy’s heart. She was still crying and the room was blurring. God she hated to cry.

The girl clutched at her stomach, wishing the sickness away. It had all been fake, wrong. All the things he had told her about Dru, all the feelings he’d said he still held for his ex but claimed didn’t matter because he didn’t want her back. All of the things that had made perfect sense because she felt similar things for Angel, the sadness and disappointment that the love had died, but not the regret that the relationship had ended because they had each other now. The love Spike had said he felt for Buffy, the feelings he’d said he held. He might not have been deliberately lying about his feelings, but he sure as hell would have chosen his first love if he’d had the chance. Buffy knew that now and it felt like a wrecking ball had slammed into her body. She was second choice to him and he still loved Drusilla.

***

Spike wondered where Buffy was, but then remembered she’d gone upstairs to get her things for tonight. Damn, he probably wouldn’t get a chance to talk to her before-

Suddenly, Joyce and Mrs. O’Connor stormed in and went into action. Angel’s mom got an ice pack and started asking her son if he was okay while Joyce examined the situation and began fuming.

Buffy’s mother hadn’t seemed like a scary person when Spike first met her, but bloody hell had he been wrong! Joyce asked him if what TJ had reported was accurate, and just as Spike was stumbling over his own tongue, the woman interrupted him and told him to leave.

Yep, he was getting his arse kicked out of the house. Fuck.

Spike tried to talk but Joyce interrupted again and told him to get out before she kicked him out herself.

She finally yelled when all Spike did was stand there staring at the man he really wished he’d had a chance to kill, and then the boy quickly stuttered an apology before running out of the house.

The teen mentally kicked himself. Now Joyce would surely hate him. Buffy would be told everything that had happened with Angel as soon as her mum found her, and then the girl would be forbidden to see her boyfriend

Spike stormed into his house, hating the whole sodding situation. Christ it would be difficult to see his girl now, but he’d be damned if he was going to walk away from her.


Chapter End Notes:
REVIEW PLEASE! Maybe it will help with my dumb writer's block. I know some of you were thinking that there would be a misunderstanding of the whole B/A kissage but c'mon? Spike would NEVER just take that lying down, and Buffy isn't an idiot :) I know I was evil for leaving you with a cliff hanger, though. Sorry about that... except I'm not cuz I'm a little evil, BUT WE'VE COVERED THIS. *grins*



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