Author's Chapter Notes:
I APOLOGIZE WITH ALL THE POWER OF MY SOUL TO YOU GUYS FOR TAKING SO LONG ON THIS CHAPTER! my mind just wouldn't work and i couldn't write it and I hope I can write the next one in less time than it took me to write this one. Here's 22!
Spike had stomped up to his bedroom and decided to shower, he was tense as fuck. He needed to talk to Buffy, and probably attempt to have a conversation with Joyce, but everything needed time to cool down before he tried to fix things. Besides, Buffy’s mum most likely wouldn’t like him coming over… for… awhile…

While the teenager was letting the hot water fall down his back, he frowned and his eyes shot open. How long would he have to…

Spike placed his hands on the cool, tiled wall. Buffy and he had discussed how much Joyce hated violence in general. Between Joyce’s opinions AND the Riley incident, the woman’s daughter knew that if her mother saw a current boyfriend involved in any sort of fighting, Buffy would most likely be forbidden from seeing said boyfriend.

Buffy had made this abundantly clear to Spike several times.

The Brit got out of the shower and dried off while frowning and breathing heavily. Earlier, the only thing he’d thought about was how much that Angel ponce was pissing him off. Then, when Joyce had come in- hell, up until RIGHT NOW, Spike had simply figured he would talk to Buffy and then Mrs. Summers and explain everything. He’d planned on having a chat with Joyce, he would apologize, tell her everything Angel had said to set him off if need be. The teen had figured this whole situation would eventually blow over and he and Buffy would be back to normal in a couple of days- a week at the most!

Spike had known it would be difficult to see his girl, but he’d also thought that, sooner rather than later, everything would be just fine.

But as the man slipped on his ripped jeans for the second time that day and ruffled his hair dry with a towel- he realized…

He could lose her over this.

That’s when Spike lost it. He cursed the air and punched the wall a couple of times. He went into the basement and wailed on the punching bag with bare handed cruelty, hating himself for losing his temper over a big forehead-ed, more like FIVEhead-ed, pillock.

He hated Angel for what he’d done. The big git had been trying to goad Spike into throwing a punch, he’d wanted the Brit to make the first move, and Spike played directly into the asshole’s hand.

The bleached teen hated Angel, he hated himself, he hated Joyce for not giving him a chance to explain, he hated just about everything.

And the worst part of all of this was that he could very well lose Buffy. After all the things they’d shared, everything that was felt and said, this potential falling out had all boiled down to his lack of fucking control.

He just had to talk to her, explain that he didn’t care if her mum DID hate him, he wasn’t leaving.

Spike was going to go back over there, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to risk Joyce throwing him out again. He’d sneak into Buffy’s bedroom and he was NOT going to leave until she understood that he wasn’t giving her up. Spike was going to get his girl back and he wasn’t going to leave her side no matter WHAT her mum’s opinions were. He didn’t give a damn if they had to start reenacting a sodding tragedy, the man would GLADLY sneak out and hide their relationship if that’s what it took to keep Buffy. He needed her.

Spike just really hoped Joyce’s feelings didn’t frighten her daughter into breaking the relationship off herself, because if that were the case, then he would truly break. But he had faith in Buffy, she was stronger than that.

He took all of his frustrations, pain, sadness, and fear out on the punching bag, and now he was sweating like a pig.

Spike didn’t bother showering again, he just called Gunn and told him he wouldn’t be heading to the circle after all tonight, but the Brit didn’t explain why.

Spike grabbed a beer from his fridge and started counting down the hours until midnight. He knew Joyce and Dawn would both be asleep by then, which was when he planned on sneaking over to see Buffy. He debated calling her but knew it’d be too risky when her mother was probably having a cow. Joyce would most likely just answer the damn phone herself.

He took another swig of his drink. If he didn’t fix this he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. And he was beating the living hell out of Angel the next time he saw the wanker, no matter where the fuck they were.

***

Buffy hugged Mr. Gordo to her chest
.
Spike had never been the guy, HER guy, he’d always belonged to his ex. God, why was this so painful…

Oh yeah, because Buffy loved him.

Another sob broke through her throat. The guests had all left a few hours ago. Joyce had checked on her after Spike left, but all she’d done was clarify to her daughter that Buffy was forbidden from seeing William any longer. Joyce didn’t explain why.

The girl had answered her mother with silence, not even tears. When her mom had finally given up and said that she’d give Buffy her space, that’s when the teen had allowed the dam to break. She’d pulled back her emotions the second she’d heard her mom coming up the stairs, knowing Joyce would come in and try to soothe her aches, but Buffy just needed to be left alone. The teen hadn’t even wondered why her mom had forbidden her from seeing Spike any longer.

She honestly just figured that Joyce had assumed she was crying over Spike and had automatically taken on the role of supportive mother/hate the boy who hurt your daughter.

Buffy didn’t care. She was heartbroken. She felt weak, something she hated.

Her stomach physically hurt and her cheeks burned from crying so much. Her chest literally throbbed. Her nose was runny and her throat felt sore. Why did she have to be second best for him? What was it about his ex that kept him so enamored?

Is she prettier than me? Funnier than me? Does he prefer brunettes to blondes? Was she smarter- No, Spike had said she was actually a little messed up in the head. Wait, was it that? Did he like her crazy ramblings? Oh GOD! I need to stop this!

It didn’t matter what or why he still loved Drusilla, all that mattered was that he did and Buffy couldn’t be with him like this…

She sniffled again and hugged her stuffed pig tighter. Was it all a lie? Had he actually been telling her pretty untruths just to… to…

She didn’t know what. All Buffy knew right now was that she hated herself for falling so damnably fast and not guarding her heart, and she was broken.

***

It was midnight now and Buffy had just taken a hot shower, trying to soothe herself and stop the tears. The things just wouldn’t subside.

Her mom had come in to say goodnight about an hour ago. She hadn’t even asked Buffy what was wrong, figuring that it was the fact that she’d forbidden her daughter from seeing William and that the loss of the boyfriend was probably the same reason for Buffy’s behavior earlier, too. And Joyce knew that if she were to ask she’d just be met with silence anyhow.

She could talk with her daughter tomorrow.

After her mother left the room, the teen had called Willow explaining that things were cancelled for tonight, and the red head hadn’t pried much, just simply told Buffy that she was there if she needed to talk.

When Willow had said “I love you” to her before hanging up, it was all the blonde girl could do to reply with an “I love you, too” before bursting into tears at the sound of the dial tone.

Buffy’s lip had actually bled she’d chewed on it so much to try and stop the water works.

As she lay down to sleep in her soft bed with tear soaked pillow cases, the teen tried to will away the pain and called for rest.

***

Spike was in her yard, staring at the picnic table where they’d been kissing each other not too long ago. He couldn’t imagine being without her, and sneaking into her room right now was his chance to explain things.

If it didn’t work tonight, he’d try to talk with her tomorrow, but he really, really hoped he could see her tonight. He needed to make sure she knew that he wouldn’t stay away just because Joyce wanted him to.

He loved and needed Buffy’s perfect little pout, her kindness, her strength, her golden hair, and just basically HER. He needed her feet to rub when she was tired. He needed her wit to battle against in verbal spars. He needed the woman’s beautiful voice to talk to him and she who understood the things he never liked to talk about. He needed the kissing and the adventures and just the spending time with her. Spike had always been about action and getting into trouble, but with Buffy, he was happy with simply talking and sitting in comfortable silence. He was content just to be with her.

He loved her. He was actually afraid still, of how deeply she’d wormed her way into his heart. He didn’t know how it had happened, all he knew was that she was in his blood, his gut, and she wasn’t going anywhere.

Spike climbed up onto her roof and knocked on the girl’s bedroom window. The damn thing was locked and he wasn’t sure if she would wake up and let him in.

***

Buffy roused from her dozing at a thudding sound. She blinked her eyes open and immediately stared straight into the beautiful crystal blue orbs she’d come to love.

Her eyes betrayed her, and she promptly burst into tears at the sight of him. What was he doing here?! She couldn’t see him now, for one, she didn’t want him to see her weeping and everything was still too fresh for her to be able to hide her emotions from him. And for another, if her mom found him the lady would SO kill her boyfr- er, EX-boyfriend…

That thought made her burry her face in her hands and let lose a sob.

Spike wanted to break the bloody window for separating him from his girl, especially when she was in pain. He wanted to comfort her, and knowing that she’d started crying as soon as she’d seen him had Spike hating himself.

He knocked again.

Buffy peered up, eyes swollen. She saw the look of pure worry plastered on Spike’s face and wondered why he was even here. Shouldn’t he be waiting until tomorrow to call her and end things “officially” between them? Or maybe he wasn’t even planning on ending their relationship yet. Maybe he just wanted her until he could have his dear Drusilla back.

The woman sat up in bed and let her pain show through on her features. If she couldn’t hide it yet, well then she was going to show all of it to him so he’d know what he’d done to her. So Spike would know how he’d hurt her by pulling her in, whispering pretty promises and adoring sentences, by being caring and by telling her he loved her. Even if he didn’t know yet that she was aware of his lasting feelings for Drusilla, he’d still see the pain he’d caused Buffy.

And then she would break it off between them, before he could try and lie again or before he ended everything himself. She’d thrown out the idea that Spike hadn’t been actually lying, and instead had just been fooling himself or falsely thinking that he was in love with her. Buffy knew she wasn’t in a fairytale, Spike HAD known he still loved his ex, he’d just been stringing the gullible blonde along.

And she was SO done with it.

Buffy stood shakily on her legs and went to write her EX a note. He couldn’t feel pain for losing her? Fine. But he was at least going to see the pain he’d caused another human being, even IF it was hard for the girl to willingly show weakness.

***

Spike almost crumbled when he’d gotten a good look at the woman’s face. She looked so… betrayed and heartbroken that he lost his mind for a second. Had Joyce really been that bad? Was Buffy that angry about it? The man didn’t know but whatever it was that had put that horrible look on his girl’s face, he vowed to try his damndest to never let anything cause her such pain again. Spike had a feeling though, that all that hurt couldn’t be just because Joyce said-

Bloody hell where was she going? He turned his head to get a better look and followed her movements. Why wasn’t she opening the window? The Brit suddenly felt a strong gathering of doom in the air. His stomach dropped as what scared him most in the world became a very real possibility.

A piece of folded up white paper was slammed against the glass and Spike stared at it for half a second before directing his gaze toward the crying woman holding the note to the windowpane.

Buffy tried with everything she had to not bite her lip, and in doing so felt her mouth twist around into an ugly form. She sniffled and let the tears fall. She could tell by the half despairing half livid look on Spike’s face that he must hold some caring for her. He looked saddened by her pain and angered at the fact that she was even hurting to begin with. Maybe the protectiveness he’d felt towards her wasn’t all faked like his feelings had been. Maybe he had felt SOMETHING for little Buffy Summers, just not enough. Not love.

The girl ignored his call of her name as she slipped the thin paper under the window. She ignored his voice again as he continued to stare at her. She ignored it again when he took the note from where it slipped out on his side of the glass. She ignored it again as he quickly unfolded the message. She started sobbing noisily when she saw his face looking down at her written words.

*“We’re over, Spike. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you. Goodbye.”*

Spike’s heart plummeted. Did the whole thing with Angel really mean this much to her? God what did Joyce say? What was Buffy feeling? Why was this destroying everything? It couldn’t just be this- This couldn’t be the cause for an end- It couldn’t be the end. He couldn’t- NO! He couldn’t let this happen! It wasn’t- It was NOT bloody happening! He couldn’t fucking lose Buffy! He couldn’t lose her!

She unconsciously clutched her hand to her chest when he crumpled the paper and desperately tried talking to her through the barrier. His voice was very muffled and it sounded strained. He couldn’t possibly mean whatever it was he was saying and she couldn’t take the look on his face.

The girl pulled her curtains shut and cried harder when she heard his scream. She flinched and tried ignoring his pounding on the window and its frame. She didn’t care if he busted it. She could only feel herself sinking to the ground, digging her nails into the carpet and idly wondering how in such little time she’d come to care so much for one human being.

Spike gripped the top of the window and heaved in shaky breaths. He pounded on the glass again and shouted her name a few more times. He didn’t even think about whether he was going to wake anyone else up. He was not leaving until he fixed this, here and now! He wasn’t going to lose his girl, not now, not ever. He loved her too fucking much. The man knew he was acting as if his fiancé was leaving him rather than a girl he’d known for less than a month, but he simply didn’t give a damn. It was all so fast, they’d both been burned in the past but each had allowed the other in so easily, so trustingly, that they were too close now. They’d gotten too close too soon and now there was no safety net, no strength to fall back on; the couple hadn’t allowed fear to hold their emotions in at the beginning and now they were both falling apart.

Spike’s father believed people could fall in love very easily if they held feelings for each other, they just never let themselves stay open enough for it to happen quickly. Everyone was always so afraid and they kept their emotions bound until their passions grew to the point of consumption. But Charlie had always told his son, that if you allow yourself to trust and feel openly, without holding anything back, you’ll probably inevitably reach that point of no return very fast, and then you are truly buggered.

That was the way Mr. Pratt had felt about his wife he’d told his son, and Spike realized now that his father had never been more right about anything in his life.

Maybe it didn’t happen with many people, hell- maybe even if everybody WAS unafraid and open all the time it still took the right person to connect with, but Spike and Buffy fell in love with each other quick and hard. Their spirits were akin, parallel, matching- They were just drawn together.

The boy saw it now. He saw it and he could feel her slipping through his fingers as his heart tightened with every breath. He could hear her sobs on the other side of the window and he knew she loved him. And he knew it couldn’t just be Buffy’s mum who was keeping her away from him, his girl wouldn’t just let that happen. This girl loved with her entire being just like Spike did, and he knew that she would never just let the one she loved go without a fight. Buffy loved him, he knew she did, and he knew that there had to be something other than a mother’s disapproval keeping her away from him. She wasn’t one to just turn her head and accept what she was told, there had to be something else; there had to be!

Was it the fact that he’d failed at keeping his inner demon at bay with Angel? Could she feel like he’d betrayed her by hitting her ex after he’d promised to try and behave? No, that didn’t seem- Fuck! What the hell was it?! Spike banged on the window’s glass again with the palm of his hands, tears falling down his cheeks. She had to open up, he had to talk with her, understand what it was that was pulling her away so he could stop it! He wasn’t going to just let her hand him a note and then make everything be over, no bloody way! He loved her and if she would just open the window they could fix this! He would do anything for her, he needed her! Christ he felt like he couldn’t even breathe sitting outside her window, listening to her crying. She was in pain and he couldn’t do anything to stop it! And now he realized he had to be partially responsible for it, too; for her tears and the note; the note that had wrenched his bloody heart out and crushed it.

Spike shouted her name some more, if he stayed long enough then maybe she’d open the window and talk to him. This wasn’t going to end like this. He wasn’t going anywhere until she talked to him! She needed to scream and yell and let it out, she needed to call him names and tell him why she was so upset! She just needed to bloody well SPEAK to him! Anything would be better than a silent message on a piece of paper! He couldn’t take her acceptance of this as the end! He’d rather have her wrath and hurtful words- ANYTHING but this!

She was crying so hard he could hear her still and it was chopping him up into tiny pieces. He debated whether or not he should deliberately break the window, he really fucking wanted to!

The man groaned. Joyce would probably just wake up, cuss him out, and hate him even more.

He then growled loudly and callously. He was NOT leaving until she talked to him, but apparently screaming it frantically through the closed window wasn’t helping!

“Buffy let me in- Bloody hell, woman- don’t just hand me a note like that and shut me out! Talk to me, yell at me, hit me- I don’t care! Just talk to me, dammit!”

Buffy sat shaking on her bedroom floor. If he got any louder her mom was going to-

“I am not leaving here until you talk to me!”

The girl whimpered. He really wasn’t going to just leave her alone was he? Why the hell was he torturing her?!

Spike hit the window’s wooden frame with his fists and sobbed her name again. He couldn’t let her go. He loved her too much. She was his to care for and his to protect, to cherish, and already it felt like he was dying. She was crying and he couldn’t stand it! He couldn’t- fuck! This couldn’t be it! He couldn’t- He needed to fix this! NOW! He needed to hold her and make her tears stop and he needed to kiss her and hear her say that she wasn’t leaving him. She was Buffy, Spike needed her!

The girl angrily slammed her fists into the carpet. Her heart was beating a mile a minute and she could hear Spike begging outside her window, yelling for her to please open up and talk to him, calling her name. God, even when he screamed it he said her name in an extraordinary way that made her miss him even more.

The girl finally crawled over to the window and opened her curtains where she stared up into the wet face of the man she loved.

Spike looked down at her desperately with tears cascading down his cheeks. “Buffy, Christ baby PLEASE open this sodding window! I can’t handle being separated from you like this - I’m sorry ‘bout Angel, I didn’ know how bad your mum’d react! An m’sorry for whatever the bloody hell else I did! Know it can’t just be Joyce makin you want to end things- An I’m not letting that happen, I can’t-”

Buffy slammed her fist against the window frame suddenly, she was so damnably confused. What was he TALKING about?! She quickly unlocked the window and yanked it open before whispering harshly to him with tears still in her eyes. “Spike what the hell do you think you’re trying to pull?! What are you even saying?!”

“What am I-? Buffy- I’m tryna say I’m sorry! I just couldn’t stand it anymore, just acted- didn’t think. M’sorry your mum had to be there but Angel had it comin!” Spike leaned through her window then. “Look I-”

Buffy frowned and shook her head. “What are you talking about? Who had what coming?!”
Spike frowned and angrily wiped at his eyes. “Isn’- Aren’t you mad cuz I hit Angel?”
“Wait- WHEN did you hit Angel?!” She blinked her eyes and shook her head again. She wasn’t whispering anymore.

“Before! S’why your mum kicked me out!” Spike suddenly had a pretty good idea that they were both talking about two completely different things.

Buffy blinked again and… and… Wait, what the HELL was going on here?! “Wha- Spike I’m not upset because you hit Angel, hell I didn’t even KNOW you’d hit Angel! And WHEN did my mom kick you out?!” She shook her head and was breathing extremely hard. Things were SO mixed up right now!

He raised a brow. “What- BUFFY, wait a minute! You never talked with your mum after I left?”

The girl just shook her head, not trusting her voice anymore and being lost beyond all belief.

Spike frowned and tried to figure everything out in his head. If she hadn’t talked to Joyce- Why the fuck was she mad at ALL then? Spike swallowed and figured it’d be best to start from the beginning. “Love look, after you went to get your things from your room, Angel found me in the kitchen an he said some things that pissed me right off. I lost my cool and punched the wanker. Then your mum comes in, sees everythin and kicks me out- I didn’t get a chance to talk to you befor-”

“You hit him?” Buffy swallowed and didn’t allow herself to cry when Spike answered her question with a yes. She hadn’t known he’d hit her ex… Come to think of it, she’d just figured that Spike had left after talking with Angel because- actually she HADN’T thought of why he’d left! She’d been too focused on what he’d said- or rather, what he HADN’T said –after Angel had brought up all that first love bullshit. Maybe… God, okay, time to be strong Buffy, face the music.

She coughed and willed her tone of voice to be composed. The girl sat staring at his chest. “Spike, I- I heard everything Angel said… everything about ‘first loves’ and stuff?” She peered up at him and didn’t move until she saw comprehension slowly seep into his eyes, then she continued. “And when…” She looked down. “When you never said anything…” She swallowed back the lump in her throat. “I figured it was all true- th- that you wanted… That you were still in love with Drusilla.”

Buffy looked up again, and the boy almost collapsed with understanding.

His eyes widened. That explained it all. The thing about not being “enough” for him in her note, why she was so angry, her wanting to end the relationship; she doubted his feelings, she’d taken his silence as validation earlier, and she felt like she was second choice. Blind chit doesn’t know what she means to me... “God, Buffy…” He reached down and grabbed her face in his hands, smashing his lips to hers in a needy kiss.


Chapter End Notes:
Reviews? I know I don't deserve em for being so slow but please? I hope you enjoyed this one btw!
And please know that I am not saying Spike and Buffy are like soul mates in the whole destiny sense, I'm saying that they are both very similar individuals and they care deeply for each other. They are drawn to one another. =)



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