Christmas Frost and Fairies
Author: Pattyanne
snapkik@yahoo.com

Summary: Buffy has an unexpected encounter
in the cemetery that helps her put her life in
perspective.







"Spike...what's done is done. But it
was a mistake, and it can't happen
again."

Buffy turned on one heel and walked
away. Spike was right behind her
and caught her arm, forcing her to stop.

"It WASN'T a mistake...and it CAN happen
again." His tone was quiet and serious,
but his voice sounded strained, as though
was struggling to hold back an onslaught
of emotion. "If we both want it to."

Buffy shook her head. "But, that's what
I'm trying to tell you. I don't want it to."

**God strike me dead for lying**

"I don't believe you." Spike cupped her
face in his hands, pinning her gaze
with his. "I was right there with you
that night, Buffy. Holding you...touching
you. I heard everything you said to me
as I made love to you. You BEGGED me
not to stop, remember?"

She remembered it all right. Every look,
every caress, every word of love and desire
that he'd whispered in her ear.

It was one of the sweetest memories she
had...and the saddest...knowing it would
never happen again.

The memory of it was all she had...all
she would EVER have.

**I can't think that way. If I do, I'll give
in to him, and I can't let that
happen. I can't go through it again.
I won't survive it**

Gathering up the tattered remnants of
her resolve, she pushed him away.

"Stop it, Spike," she said harshly. "You're
making a fool of yourself."

Surely those words would sting. Now, he'll
fling her away...tell her to go to hell.

Spike did neither of those things.

"Do you really think I care about that?" he
asked. "I've made a fool of myself over you
so many times that I've lost count. I got no
pride where you're concerned. Don't you
know that by now?"

Buffy had no idea how to respond to
such heart breaking words.

"Listen to me," he said urgently. "Hear
what I'm saying! I love you. I love you
more than...come back here..." He caught
her around the waist when she tried to leave.

"Spike...let go of..."

"Please." He cut her off in desperation. "Please
don't turn your back on me, Buffy. I need you."

He looked glassy eyed, and Buffy was afraid
that he was on the verge of breaking down
right there in front of her.

And, oh God...she didn't want to see that
happen. Not to him.

She sighed deeply. The convictions she
had been so sure of were beginning to
fall apart. He looked so sad...so wretched
at the cruel fate she was dishing out.

It had been so easy in the beginning, their
roles in each others lives had been clearly
defined.

He was a vampire, and a particularly vicious
one. She was a slayer, chosen by fate or
whatever, to destroy him. To put a stop to
a career steeped in blood, and gore, and
violence.

She had tried to do it, but had never manged
to pull it off.

Spike was the only demon she'd ever fought
and not been able to kill. Over the past year
or so, she'd begun to wonder if there was
a reason she failed so consistently.

Had someone...somewhere...been guiding
their fates, knowing that someday she was
going to need him?

Why else would he keep returning to Sunny-
dale. He'd gotten clean away more than
once, but he always turned back up.

Oh, he'd had his reasons. "I'm looking for
this...I'm waiting for that...I'm gonna kill
you, Slayer.

Still, it was stupid to keep coming back. Look
where it had landed him.

Spike was no longer the demon he'd once
been. The Initiative had seen to that.

They'd caught him, and caged him, and did
the thing she hadn't been able to do...stopped
him cold.

Modern technology had clipped his wings
with a tiny microchip placed in just the
right area of his cerebral cortex.

After that, their relationship had slipped
into the surreal. They hadn't trusted each
other, they'd argued and fought with and
bitched at each other constantly.

She'd tormented him about his inability
to perform as a vampire, while he'd gotten
even by taunting her about her own inability
to hang on to a man.

The turning point had come when Willow,
in an emotional tailspin over Oz's depar-
ture, had botched up her 'Do My Will' spell.

She had struck Giles blind, sicced an army
of demons on Xander, and betrothed the
slayer to her mortal enemy.

When she found out exactly what she
had done, she broke the spell...broke
it at the very moment when Buffy and
Spike were in the middle of a passionate
kiss and on the road to intercourse.

They had responded the way they were
expected to, with gagging and shudders
of revulsion as they'd rubbed their mouths
to the point of bleeding.

Life had gone on. Buffy's relationship
with Riley had developed, and she'd
been pretty happy for a while.

But, every now and then, without warning,
something would spark a memory of that
short lived engagement, and she would
find herself reviewing it in her mind, moment
by moment.

Because although she'd claimed an
amnesia-like recollection of the exper-
ience, she had been lying through her
teeth. She remembered every second
of it...in excruciating detail.

And, sometimes, she would catch Spike
looking at her in a way that made her
wonder if he remembered it just as clearly.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"What are you thinking about, Buffy?"

His voice snapped her back to the present.

Looking up at him, she found him smiling in
a way that told her that her silent memories
must be showing in her _expression, making
him think that she was softening.

**Maybe, I should. Just give in...give him
what he wants...and maybe what I want
too**

Their one night together had been incre-
dible. Passionate and intense, and
deeply satisfying on a level she'd never
reached before.

Her memories, fantasies, and the physical
attraction she'd always felt towards him, had
merged and blended with her need to be held,
and kissed, and touched by a man who knew
how to please a woman.

And she HAD been pleased...over and over
and over again. So many times, and in
so many ways, that they had both lost
track of things.

It would be so easy to allow herself to be
drawn back into his embrace. To forget
everything in the world but him.

Spike loved her. It was as simple, and as
complicated, as that.

He had told it to her, shown it to her, proved
it to her, time and time again. In fact, truth
be told, he loved her far more than Riley
ever had. Probably even more than Angel.

Neither of THEM had stayed with her when
the going got rough.

But, Spike had. He had stood beside her
throughout the most terrifyingly hopeless
time of her life. Even in the face of certain
annihilation, he hadn't faltered.

He'd remained on his feet, and helped prop
her up as well.

What had happened to her had not been
his fault, although he had blamed himself
for failing her when she needed him the most.

She knew that if he could have died in her
place...he would have.

After she'd come back, he been just as persist-
ant in his devotion. No matter how many
punches and kicks she landed, how many
nasty and hurtful words she'd flung at him,
he never walked away.

Oh, he'd leave her alone for a few days, but
it never lasted longer than that.

If she turned him down now, would she ever
find another man who could make her feel
the way he did?

Had he been right when he'd told her that
he was the only man here for her?

What other man would understand and accept
the things that happened to her? The experi-
ences she'd been through, and the ones still to
come...

But, if she surrendered herself to him, how
long would it last if things changed? What
would happen if that chip in his head mal-
functioned?

He'd already tried to have it removed once. What
if he tried again...and succeeded?

What would become of them?

Would he turn on her with his fangs bared,
forgetting that he loved her? Would he treat
it all like a dirty joke...laugh at her stupidity..re-
double his efforts to bag a third slayer...

Return to Drusilla?

Angel had. He'd done all that, and more.

Buffy hadn't forgotten the pain and brutality
he'd inflicted on her and the people she
loved.

She couldn't go through it again with Spike.
Couldn't bear to see a lover turn back into
an enemy, literally before her eyes.

No. Never again. Once was more than
enough.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"Buffy...please talk to me. Tell me what
you're thinking about so hard...what you're
feeling."

When she didn't reply, Spike placed his
hands on her shoulders and tried to
kiss her.

She turned her face away.

"Please, luv," he said quietly. "Don't make me
beg."

Buffy steeled herself. "Let go of me."

"Buffy, please. Don't do this to us."

"There is no US, Spike! Why can't you get that
through your thick..."

He tightened his hold. "Yes, there bloody well
is! Why can't YOU get it through YOUR thick
head? I love you...and I know...I KNOW...that
you..."

"DON'T feel the same way," she finished his
sentence, finally succeeding in pushing him
away. "Now will you PLEASE just go away and
leave me alone!!"

She turned her back on him, but hadn't gotten
more than ten feet away when his voice rang
out harshly, in a tone that she hadn't heard
from him in years.

"FINE...GO...I'VE HAD ALL OF THIS
I CAN BLOODY WELL STAND!"

He followed after her and grabbed her arm,
spinning her around roughly.

"I'm done with this, Buffy. Done with...with
beating my fists against that stone wall
you've built around your heart."

He released her and pushed her away so
abruptly that she nearly fell backwards
over a grave marker.

"I mean it, Buffy," he said. "You're gonna
get exactly what you want...to be alone. Be-
cause I am through!"

Spike raised his voice, becoming more and
more worked up as months of frustration
came spewing out of him.

"I'm through following you around like a
lost puppy. Through with begging and
pleading, with pacing the floor all night
hoping that the cold hearted BITCH that
I love will feel something...ANYTHING...for
me!"

Buffy couldn't take her eyes off him as
he began to back away from her.

"You...are a stupid little girl. So, you run
along and find yourself an equally stupid
little boy and live happily ever after. As
well as you can."

He turned away from her, then paused. "Oh,
and don't worry about running into me some-
where around town. I'll make sure that never
happens. Christ, will I EVER make sure of
it!"

With those final words, Spike disappeared
into the cemetery, leaving Buffy standing in
open mouthed shock as the cold December
air bit into her like a vampire's kiss...icy and
deep.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

She made her way through the twists and
turns of the path through Sunnydale's
oldest cemetery.

It only took a few minutes to find what
she was looking for, and when she reached
her destination, she sank to her knees on
the neatly trimmed grass.

The frost soaked through her slacks, chilling
her skin. It was unpleasantly cold, but she
remained where she was, gazing with fresh
pain at the words carved in white marble.
Joyce Elizabeth Summers
1958-2000
Beloved Mother

Buffy felt tears sting her eyes. The shock
of seeing it never wore off.

Struggling to maintain her composure, she
swallowed hard.

"Hi, Mom. I know it's been a while since I
came. It's just that I...well, it's hard. Things
are...complicated right now. So...so much
has happened...and I...I just...I just...."

Her last few words came out on a choked
sob as she lost the control she'd been
clinging to, and burst into tears.

Covering her face with her hands, she cried
so hard that her entire frame was shaking
violently.

"Mommy...Mommy, I miss you...I need you
so much. I...I don't know what I'm doing...I
can't make it work...I'm making so many
mistakes...I just...Dawn is...I don't know
if she's gonna be all right. I don't
know how to take care of her..."

Bathed in pain, Buffy flung herself down on
her mother's grave, her fingers digging into
the wet moss.

"Please, Mommy, please...I need you. I'm
frightened...I'm scared all the time...and...and
I want you back....I love you...I
love you..."

Her voice trailed off into harsh weeping. Wave
after wave of sadness washed over her, so
strong that they were almost physically painful.

She wanted to scream, to dig, to claw at the
ground until it gave her mother back to her.

But all she had the strength to do was lie
there like a broken doll...her body heat
melting the light coat of frost...and cry.

The cold began to seep through her
clothing and into her bones, making them
ache.

Finally, with a huge effort of sheer will, she
sat up, wiping her wet face on her sleeve.

"It'll be Christmas soon. How are we gonna
do it without you? I can't make Christmas
the way you did...I...I wouldn't know where
to start."

She pushed her messy hair out of her eyes
and away from her damp skin.

"There's so much I needed to talk with you
about...so much I never got to ask you..."

"Ask me now."

**************************************


Buffy froze, staring at the ground in front of her.

Her common sense told her that she wasn't
hearing properly, that she could not have just
heard her mother's voice.

She was afraid to move, afraid to turn around,
because if she did...and her mother wasn't
there...she would just die.

So, she remained perfectly still, scared
of what she might see, but more scared of
what she might not.

"Buffy, turn around. See with your heart."

Slowly...cautiously...she obeyed. "Mom?"

Joyce smiled at her, a smile that Buffy had
despaired of ever seeing again.

"There now," she said, holding out her
arms. "That's my good little girl."

Fresh tears traced a shiny path down Buffy's
cheeks. Her mother was standing only a
few feet away, smiling and beautiful, wearing
a white dress with billowing sleeves and a
hem that touched the ground.

With no more hesitation, no longer caring
that this was probably some demon or another
playing a cruel joke on her, Buffy stumbled
into her mother's embrace.

Arms wrapped tightly around her daughter, Joyce
crooned soothingly, stroking her hair. "It's
all right, darling. Mommy's here."

Buffy clung to her mother, a small child once
again, snuggling into arms that had always
meant security and unending love.

"Buffy? Look at me, honey." Joyce took a
step back and cupped Buffy's face in her
hands.

She was surprised by their warmth. The night
air was cold. How could her mother be standing
here, clad in nothing more than a silk dress,
and still be so warm?

"Come and sit with me," Joyce said, taking
Buffy's hand and leading her to a small
bench that she didn't remember being there.

They sat quietly together, with Buffy staying
close to her mother's always comforting
presence.

*********************************



Joyce finally broke the silence. "I
know things have been hard for
you, honey. I'm so sorry I had to
leave you that way."

Buffy sniffled. "I didn't even get to
say goodbye, Mom."

Her mother nodded. "I know. That's
one of the reasons I'm here. But,"
she added, "I can't stay long. Things
get a little busy up there around this
time of year."

"So...you're in Heaven?"

Joyce raised her eyebrows and
smiled. "Don't sound so surprised.
I was a pretty nice person, even if I
was an occasionally grumpy mom."

"Oh, you were," Buffy said quickly,
squeezing her mother's hand. "You
were the best. Everyone loved you. It's
just that..."

"Just what, honey?"

Buffy sighed. "Well...I was there, too. In
Heaven. I actually..." She paused. It was
still hard to say that she'd died. Such a
bizarre concept...coming back from the
grave.

Joyce helped her out. "I know what
happened to you, Buffy."

Buffy looked into her mother's eyes,
trying to collect her thoughts.

"But...if you were there...well, I always
thought that when you...you know...and
went to Heaven, then you got to be with
the people you loved. That 'we'll meet again
one day in Heaven' sort of thing?"

"That's very true," Joyce assured her.

Buffy was still confused. "Then why didn't
I...Mom, I never saw you there. Not even
one time." The memory still hurt. "Come
to think of it, I never met anyone in Heaven.
I mean, I saw people...but no one ever spoke
to me."

"I know, honey." Joyce passed a gentle
hand over her daughter's hair.

"Are you sure I was really there?"

Her mother laughed. "Of course you were
there. Now, where else would you be
after all the battles you fought against
Heaven's enemies?"

"Then how come everyone ignored me? Aren't
angels supposed to be nice to everybody?"

"Yes. And they are."

"Well, not to ME they weren't," Buffy mum-
bled.

Her mother hesitated briefly. "There WAS a
reason for that, Buffy...a reason why no one
came close to you, why you didn't see me."

"What reason?" Buffy asked. "Why?"

After another short pause, Joyce an-
swered. "Because you weren't supposed
to be there."

The slayer stared at her mother, eyes wide,
and mouth slightly open, horrified. "You...you
mean I was supposed to be in.." She couldn't
stand to say the word. "..the OTHER place?"

"Oh, no!" Joyce rushed to reassure her. "You
weren't supposed to be there YET. It wasn't
your time, honey. No where near it. That's
the reason I never came to you."

Buffy felt as though she were groping her
way through a dense fog, trying to under-
stand. "But whether it was my time or not..I
was THERE. Didn't you want to see me?"

"Honey...of course I wanted to see you." Joyce
pulled Buffy close, hugging her tightly. "Stay-
ing away from you was the hardest thing I'd
ever done. But...I had to do it."

Buffy shook her head. "Why?"

Joyce sighed deeply. "Because I knew...every-
one knew...that you couldn't stay. You had
to go back, and we were afraid that if you
saw me...if I was with you...you would fight
it. It would have been much harder on you."

"But why couldn't I stay?" Buffy asked, her
voice shaky. "Why did I have to go back?"

Joyce pulled her daughter's head down on
her shoulder, holding her tenderly. "Because
you were still desperately needed here."

"You mean...you mean the SLAYER was
needed here?" Buffy frowned. "But, there
would have been another one to take over."

Joyce shook her head. "No. I mean YOU...Buffy
Summers. You're the one who's needed here.
Honey, you are so deeply loved by everyone in
your life...by your sister, by your friends...and
by..."

"MOM" Buffy cut her mother off in mid-
sentence. "You said before that it wasn't my
time...that it was nowhere near it."

"Yes, that's right."

"Does that mean that you know how much
time I still have?"

"Well..."

"Because slayers don't usually have a long
shelf life. We don't die of old age."

Joyce took hold of Buffy's hands. "Buffy...you
had years of your life stolen from you. That
was NOT God's plan."

These words made Buffy smile. "God has a
plan for me?"

"God has a plan for everyone," Joyce said firmly.
"Never doubt that."

"Yeah, okay...but..."

"Buffy...what are you? Not WHO are you...but
WHAT are you?"

Buffy considered the question. She was pretty
sure her mother wasn't asking if she was a
girl, or an american citizen, or a sister, or
an average student.

"I'm...the slayer?" she offered tentatively.

Joyce smiled. "Go on."

"Uh...the chosen one?"

"There you are," Joyce nodded. "Now...tell me
who chose you."

Buffy shrugged. It sounded so pretentious to
say it.

Joyce cupped one hand beneath Buffy's chin,
forcing her to meet her eyes. "God has chosen
you, Buffy. He's placed his finger on your heart,"
she said passionately. "You are his child. You are
his warrior. You are his emissary here on earth.
And what was done to you, was NOT to be
tolerated."

The edge of anger in Joyce's tone began to
fade. "Most of the time," she went on. "God
gives his children choices. Unfortunately,
many of them end up making the WRONG
choices."

Buffy smiled. "I've noticed that too."

"Yes. Well, in YOUR case, he couldn't give
you a choice," Joyce explained. "He needs
you here to fight for him...to do battle in his
name...and to help bring the ones who have
lost their way, who made the wrong choices,
out of the darkness and back into his light."

Buffy was silent as she processed this new
and startling revelation.

"Do you understand a little better now?" Joyce
asked.

Buffy nodded. "I think so." She looked at her
mother in wide eyed wonder. "It's just...I've
never thought of it that way before. It's such
an amazing thing."

"Enlightenment usually is," Joyce replied. "So,
don't blame your friends for taking you out of
Heaven. It really wasn't their doing."

"But, Willow...."

"I know. But who gave Willow the power? Who
told her what to do, and guided her hand?"

"She said that..."

Joyce shook her head. "No, Buffy. It was no
magic or mystical power. No spell, or witch-
craft, or sacred artifacts brought you back.
There is only one with that kind of power. He
simply...channeled it through Willow in a way
she was capable of understanding."

"So...so it was a plan?" Buffy asked.

"Yes," her mother stated emphatically. "Every
page of your life has already been written. Your
destiny was charted long before you were even
born."

Buffy's world and all of her preconceived notions
about it were crumbling like a house of cards,
thrown completely askew by these new revala-
tions.

Her "sacred duty" as Giles referred to it,
suddenly seemed more sacred than ever.

"Your destiny was tampered with," Joyce
continued. "Altered by outside forces. THAT
is why God intervened. What was wrong,
had to be put right."

"For me?" Buffy sighed. "Wow."

"Yes. For you. And believe me, God does
not take such measures lightly. In fact,
it's extremely rare." Joyce glanced away
for a moment, deciding how to best explain
what she needed to say next, so as not
to hurt her daughter.

"Buffy...do you remember when Angel
came back...literally out of nowhere?"

"Of course I do," Buffy said.

"God wasn't finished with him. He needed
Angel here. There was still too much he
had to do." Joyce squeezed Buffy's hand
and smiled. "I can't reveal to you what it
is, but Angel has a destiny ahead of him that
will soon change him forever."

Buffy's heart nearly stopped. The words
'Angel' and 'change' were not always a
good combination.

"Not in a bad way," Joyce added quickly when
she saw Buffy's reaction to her words. "What's
going to happen will change several lives for
the better, and it will bring Angel the first
real peace he's ever known."

Buffy swallowed hard. "Will he..will it make him
happy?"

Joyce smiled at her daughter's wistful tone. "It
will make him very happy. But, don't worry...his
soul is secure. He's earned it."

**Angel will be happy...without me**

Buffy was surprised that the notion didn't
hurt as much as she would have expected
it to.

"Buffy? Are you all right?"

She smiled and leaned against her mother.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I want Angel to be happy. He
deserves it...even if I'm not a part of God's
plan for him anymore."

Buffy didn't see it when her mother turned
her head slightly, as though someone had
called her name. "I know," she murmured.

Buffy raised her head. "What?"

Joyce turned back to her daughter. "Honey,
there's more I need to tell you, and I don't
have much more time, so listen closely."

"Okay...I am."

"I don't want to upset you by telling you
this, but...God's ultimate plans for Angel
never included you."

Buffy was completely surprised by this. "They
didn't? Ever?"

"No." Joyce shook her head. "Angel...well,
Angel loved you in a way he'd never loved
anyone before. But...he didn't NEED you for
his salvation."

Buffy stared at her hands, rubbing the finger
that Angel's ring had once graced.

"But," Joyce touched Buffy's cheek, making
her look up. "There is another who needs you
desperately. Without you...he will be damned.
Eternally."

Buffy gazed at her mother calmly, as though
she'd been expecting these words all along.


***************************

"You're talking about Spike, aren't you?"

Joyce chuckled softly. "As unlikely as it
sounds, it's what God has planned for
you...and for him." Becoming suddenly
serious, she leveled a direct gaze on
her daughter.

"Buffy...Spike needs your love far more
than Angel ever did. He just didn't know how
to ask for it."

Buffy felt a sense of rightness at her mother's
words, as though she was finally hearing
exactly what she'd been needing someone
to say to her.

It was almost like a benediction...a blessing
from...

"Like a sign from Heaven," she said soft-
ly, as her heart did cartwheels inside of
her.

"Buffy...?"

The slayer smiled at her mother. "He loves
me," she said simply.

"Yes, he does." Joyce smiled back at
her. "He truly does."

Buffy sighed, shaking her head. "For the
longest time I didn't believe it. I didn't think
he COULD love me."

"Believe it," Joyce said. "Because he more
than loves you, darling. There is nothing
he will not do for you. He would die for
you...without thinking twice. He nearly
did."

Buffy felt tears sting her eyes at the
memory. "I know...it's just that..."

Joyce touched her finger to Buffy's
lips. "Listen to me, honey. You are
his life and his salvation, and he knows
it."

Buffy blinked back the tears in her eyes. "And
after all the times he tried to kill me, all
the fights we've had."

"Yes," Joyce agreed. "And it might have
escaped your notice, but neither of you
ever won any of those fights. You never
managed to kill each other. Why do you
suppose that is?" She wore a look of
amused perplexity. "Do you think that maybe
someone was watching over..."

"I get your point, Mom." Buffy inter-
jected. "But he was so bad for so long.
It kinda makes you wonder what God was
thinking about when he planned all this."

"Don't question his plans, honey." Joyce
squeezed Buffy's hand. "You'll just go round
and round in circles, and end up with a head-
ache." She smiled. "Just know that there is
a reason for everything. You may live an entire
lifetime and never understand, but there IS
a reason."

Buffy took a deep breath. "I'll try and..." She
stopped suddenly when she remembered. "Mom,
he's gone. I made him leave...I was so cruel
to him...said such awful things." Fresh tears
brimmed in her eyes. "I told him that I didn't
care...that what we had together meant
nothing." She looked at her mother with
desperation. "Oh, God...what have I done?"

"Buffy, don't cry." Joyce brushed a single
tear from her daughter's cheek. "He's not
going anywhere," she said insistently. "Not
without you. He loves you far too much to
ever leave you...no matter WHAT he says."

Buffy stared at her mother, wanting to believe
her words. "Oh, Mom...what am I gonna do?"

"The only thing you can do," Joyce said,
aching for her little girl who seemed so
terribly lost and alone. "Follow your heart.
It won't let you down."

Buffy sighed. "You make it sound so easy."
She waved one hand as though it held a
magic wand. "Just follow your heart and you'll
live happily ever after."

"I didn't say it would be easy," Joyce chided. "But
if you want it badly enough, if you're willing to
work at it...then there's nothing you can't accom-
plish."

Buffy gave her mother an imploring look. "I'm
not very good at being happy...and I'm scared."

"Scared to love?" Joyce asked. "Now, I don't
believe that. I've never known anyone who
loves so completely as you do."

Buffy shook her head, searching for the
words. "I'm scared to love HIM," she said,
her voice breaking a little. "They always
leave, Mom. They say they love me...and
then they leave."

"Buffy, listen..."

"I can't go through it again. I can't bear to
have another man leave me behind."

"Buffy!" Joyce said again. "You have to believe
me when I tell you that will never happen. I
know this to be true."

She eyed her mother questioningly. "You know
because..." She tilted her head, gesturing
skywards..."you have inside information?"

Joyce laughed. "Let's just say that I know." See-
ing that Buffy needed more, she added, "Look
at it this way...if you give your heart to him com-
pletely, without holding anything back...he'll
have no reason to leave you. Because it's all
he really wants."

A new thought occured to Buffy, a more fright-
ening one. "But the chip...what if it malfunctions
orhe gets it taken out. If he reverts back to
what he was...I'll have to kill him. It'll be like
Angel all over again."

One diamond bright tear escaped and trickled
down Buffy's face, and Joyce once again
brushed it away with a gentle fingertip.

"And what if none of those things happen?"
she asked. "Buffy...don't waste your life wonder-
ing what if. Life doesn't give you guarantees.
All it gives you are choices...the rest is up
to you."

"Oh, great," Buffy mumbled. "Cause I'm SO
good at making choices."

"Don't mumble, dear," Joyce scolded. "It's
very annoying."

Buffy smiled a little. **Mom is still Mom...no
matter what**

It was a reassuring thought.

"Now," Joyce said briskly. "Before I go, there's
one more thing I have to tell you. Something
that I don't want you to ever forget."

"Okay," Buffy nodded.

"Spike chose his path. The choice was given
to him, and he made the right one." Joyce's
eyes sparkled with amusement. "Call it a test.
A test that he passed."

Buffy caught her mother's teasing tone. "Got
a good grade did he?"

"Yes, he did...and it had NOTHING to do
with that stupid chip!" Joyce rolled her
eyes in exasperation. "Good LORD, I am
tired of hearing about that thing."

Her tone was no longer light.

"I mean...all it does is keep him from harm-
ing humans. THAT is it's only purpose,
so don't give it too much credit."

Buffy saw the familiar signs of her
mother beginning to get worked up, and
she smiled at the memory of being on
the receiving end of her irritation."

"And what a thing to do. Just...just CHIP
somebody without knowing a thing
about them!"

For some bizarre reason, Buffy heard her-
self offer a small defense of the person
her mother was speaking about. "Well,
you know...Professor Walsh was just
trying to control..."

"Oh, I KNOW what she was trying to
do," Joyce interrupted. "But she didn't
do her homework"

"What?"

"Protecting us from 'the hostiles'. But
it wasn't for protection, was it? It was
her own agenda she was concerned about.
Those nasty little experiments of hers. She
didn't care what she had to do or who got in
her way."

"Yeah, that's true," Buffy agreed, remember-
ing what had happened when she'd been the
one to piss off Maggie Walsh.

"Buffy, you have no idea how many UN- hostiles
she used," Joyce said indignantly. "I don't
know what that woman was thinking."

"Why don't you ask her when you go back?"

"Are you serious?" Joyce arched her eye
brows. "SHE'S not there."

***********************************
Buffy felt a slow smile creeping over her
face. She knew she shouldn't laugh, but
it was difficult not to.

"So, she's..." she began.

"She's where she deserves to be...and
let's leave it at that," Joyce said. "Anyway,
my original point was that the chip didn't
make Spike fall in love with you. It didn't
force him to help you or to protect your
sister, or to help save the world. He chose
to do these things...and it will not be for-
gotten." She smoothed Buffy's hair back
from her face. "Someday, you'll know what
I mean by that, and when that day comes
I want you to remember what we talked
about tonight."

Buffy nodded. "I will, Mom. Promise."

"Good." Joyce took a deep breath and
stood up. "Honey, I'm sorry, but I have to
go back."

She tugged Buffy to her feet and swept
her into a tight embrace.

Buffy clung to her mother, desperate and
frightened of losing her again. "Mommy,
no...not yet. Please. Just a little longer.
Don't leave me alone," she begged.

"You're not alone, honey. I'm always with
you," Joyce said gently, her daughter's
arms from around her neck.

Buffy began to cry.

"Don't, honey. Don't cry. I promise you...Buffy,
listen to me...I promise you that someday
we'll be together again." Joyce cupped Buffy's
face in her hands and pressed a soft kiss
against her forehead. "It will be a very long time
from now, but it WILL happen."

"But...but I need you NOW," Buffy sobbed,
heartsick at losing her mother again.

"Buffy, stop crying and listen to me."

Her mother spoke in the tone that she'd
always reserved for her most important
lectures, gentle but firm. "I know that you
think you're not doing things right and
that you can't manage...but it isn't
true. You are doing a fine job, honey.
You've been so strong and so brave...and
I am VERY proud of you."

"Really?" Buffy sniffled. "You are?"

"Yes," Joyce assured her. "And I love you
very much. Remember that...all right? When-
ever you're afraid...or you think you can't
cope...you remember how much I love you,
and that I'm always with you. Always."

"I love you, too." Throwing her arms around
her mother's neck again, Buffy stood very
still. She wanted to imprint everything on
her memory...the feel of Joyce's arms, the
scent of her hair, and the tenderness of her
touch.

They remained that way for a moment more,
before Joyce finally had to pull away. Buffy
couldn't force herself to let go first.

"I'll be close, honey," Joyce said as she
backed away. "Now, go and tell him. Don't
waste one more minute."

"I will," Buffy nodded, then remembered. "But,
Mom...I don't know where he is."

Her mother smiled and blew her a kiss.

"Just turn around."

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"You...are a stupid little girl. So, you run
along and find yourself an equally stupid
little boy and live happily ever after...as well
as you can."

Buffy whipped her head around so violently
that her neck popped, just in time to see
Spike turn and walk away.

"Oh, and don't worry about running into me
somewhere around town. "I'll make sure that
never happens. Christ, will I EVER make
sure of it."

Turning back to her mother, Buffy saw nothing
but an inifinitesimal sparkle, as though some-
one had tossed a handful of gold glitter into
the air.

"Remember..." A soft voice spoke in
her ear.

"I will...Goodbye, Mom," she whispered,
watching the sparkle fade away. "Thank you."

She turned on one heel. "SPIKE!" she nearly
screamed. "Wait for me! Please don't leave
without me....I love you!"

The man she was crying out to stopped and
swung around, watching in mute shock as she
ran towards him, her arms reaching for him as
she called his name. He barely had time to
raise his own arms to catch her as she rocketed
into him.

"Oh, God," Buffy whispered fiercely, clinging
to him. "Please don't go...please...I love you
so much...I do...I really do..."

Although he had no idea of the divine inter-
ference that had caused things to change
with such dazzling and delightful speed, Spike
had never been one to question good fortune.
He returned Buffy's embrace with equal fervor.

"Hold me tighter," she pleaded. "Tighter."

He obeyed, tightening his arms to the point
where they would have hurt an ordinary
girl. "Buffy..."

"Shhh." She pulled back slightly and placed
one finger against his lips. He said nothing,
silently urging her to continue. "I'm sorry," she
said softly. "I'm so sorry for those things
I said...and I didn't mean them. I was just...just
being stupid and scared..."

"Buffy.." Spike's tone was soothing, trying to
calm her. "Slow down, baby. Everything's all
right," he said, moving one hand up her back
and stroking her hair gently.

She shook her head, stubbornly. "It's NOT
all right...and it wasn't true." She drew him
down until their lips barely met. "I love you,"
she said. "And what we have is all that I want."

"Me, too," Spike said. "Baby, I love you...I love
you so much..."

"Then kiss me," she demanded. "Kiss me right
now, or I'll die from wanting you to."

"I'll never let that happen," he promised,
pressing his lips to hers.

Buffy's head began to feel pleasantly dizzy.



When he sensed her need to breathe, Spike
brought her out of the kiss slowly, keeping her
close.

She smiled, pressing her cheek against his
chest, feeling completely happy for the
first time since her return from Heaven.

"Don't let go," she murmured.

Spike's voice rumbled in his chest, sounding
more at peace than she'd ever heard it. "I
won't if you won't."

They stood that way together, in the biting
December air, until he noticed that she
was beginning to shiver.

"You should get inside, luv," he said. "You're
getting cold."

Buffy shook her head. "Don't care."

Spike chuckled. "Well, I DO care," he
replied, playfully stern. "Come on and I'll
walk you home."

"But I don't want to go home," she said,
looking into his eyes with serious intent.
"There's too many people there," she added,
hiding her face against him in a sudden
attack of shyness. "I want to be alone with
you."

Her words thrilled him, making him catch
an unnecessary breath of excitement. "Oh,
baby," he whispered, kissing the top of her
head, "I want that, too."

"Good." Buffy smiled up at him, her eyes
dancing with a mixture of amusement,
arousal, and pure happiness. "Let's go
to your place."

Spike smiled back at her. "Yeah, let's do
that."

They walked to his crypt in a contented
and comfortable silence, never letting go
of each other's hand.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"Christ...you've worn me out, girl..."

"Poor baby. Can't keep up with the slayer,
huh?" Buffy rolled onto her back, stretch-
ing like a sleepy kitten.

"Give me a minute." Spike watched her
with admiring eyes. "Although, if you do THAT
again, I'm not gonna need one."

So, of course, she did it again.

"Arrgh," he growled, a sound that would frighten
most people, but only aroused Buffy. "And you
call ME evil."

Turning on his side, he propped his head on
his hand, staring at her until she noticed him
doing it.

"What?" she asked.

Spike hesitated briefly. "Not that I'm com-
plaining, luv, but...what happened? What
made you change your mind?"

Buffy had already decided that the visit she'd
had with her mother would be something
she kept to herself, at least for now. Some-
day, she'd tell him everything.

Remembering her mother's cryptic words,
she knew that someday she would HAVE to
tell him. Apparently, something big
would be coming to them, hopefully some-
thing 'reward like'.

Even if it was something truly wonderful
and unbelievably impossible, Buffy had
no doubt that it could, and would,
happen...because someone important
and powerful was watching...and cared.

Still, she had to give him an answer, one
that wouldn't make her sound as though
she wasn't completely bolted together.

"When I saw you leaving...that you really
meant it...I was scared. Not scared of losing
another man." She placed her hand on his
cheek, caressingly. "I was scared of losing
YOU."

Seeing tears begin to shimmer in her eyes,
Spike rushed to comfort her. "Baby, that
is NEVER gonna happen. You're stuck with
me and...don't cry, baby, please...you know
I can't stand it when you cry."

Buffy was struggling to hold back another
crying jag. "I just feel like we've wasted...I'VE
wasted...so much time. Time we can never
get back."

"We'll make up for it, luv. No worries."

"Promise?"

"Yes." He smiled down at her as he smoothed
her tousled hair. "I promise. And I never break
a promise to a lady...especially MY lady."

Buffy wiped her eyes and gave him her prettiest
smile.

"God, you're beautiful!" Spike whispered fiercely.
"There oughta be a law against you, little girl."

"If there was," she asked teasingly, "would you
break it?"

"Every chance I got."

Buffy sighed. "I love you," she said, pulling
him down for a kiss. "And I'm gonna say that
until you're sick and tired of hearing it."

"Like THAT'LL ever happen!" he scoffed.

The emotional roller coaster they'd been
riding, coupled with with physical activity
they'd been engaging in, suddenly caught up
with Buffy, and she stifled a yawn.

"You go to sleep, baby," Spike urged. "I'll
be here when you wake up."

She closed her eyes, moving closer to the
strong and comforting presence of his body
next to hers.

He tucked the blanket around her like a
child, then leaned down and kissed her.

"Buffy?" He spoke softly into her ear. "I
swear I'll never leave you. Never."

She turned her head, allowing him to nuzzle
the tender flesh of her throat.

"I know..."



The End





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