Until she remembered one small detail.
The bastard had a girlfriend now.
With shaking hands she fumbled in her purse, finally pulling out her cell phone and dialed a familiar number.
“Hi, Tara?”
“Buffy?” The blonde smiled when she heard the surprised yet comforting sound of Tara’s voice on the other end of the line. Her therapist had only given her personal number to Buffy for use in emergencies, but this definitely fell smack dab into the middle of that category.
“Are you free? I kinda need to talk?” Buffy screwed her eyes tightly shut as the emotions threatened to break through.
“Uh, sure, Buffy,” Tara said, although she sounded curiously flustered. “What’s wrong?”
“Spike’s dating Cordelia Chase and now he’s in Sunnydale wanting to out with me even though he’s already got a girlfriend and the two of them are already posing for magazines but apparently that doesn’t matter because he’s moved on so fast anyway that I don’t even know what to think and…”
“Whoa there, Tiger!” Tara interrupted. “It’s okay to take a breath once in a while, you know.”
“Sorry,” Buffy said sheepishly. “It’s just bugging me. He’s apparently moved on with someone else but he’s here! I came here to get away from thinking about him and now he’s in my town!”
“He’s in your town and he’s dating someone else?”
“Yes!”
“But she’s…not there?”
“No, she’s not here but they’re a couple! Ugh, he’s such a man-slut. I should have known. I can’t believe I ever thought about trusting him.”
“Well, did you ask him to explain himself?”
“Uh, not exactly. There was some banteryness and I kinda…slapped him and ran away from him.”
“I see.” Tara sighed. “Buffy, this is one of the things we’ve worked on. You can’t make assumptions based on scraps of facts. You say you saw him with his new girlfriend in a magazine, but how many times have you found falsehoods about yourself printed in magazines?”
“A couple times,” Buffy said, still mired in denial.
“Do you really believe that Spike would move on to another woman and then continue to pursue you? Surely if he’d moved on he wouldn’t be in Sunnydale right now.”
“Maybe he wanted to rub my face in it,” Buffy hedged, swallowing the bile that rose in her throat.
“Do you really believe that?”
“I don’t know,” Buffy said sadly. “I wish I had the answers. I wish I knew what he was felling. Hell, if we’re wishing for things, then I wish I knew what I was feeling right now.”
“I suggest you try to find Spike and talk to him before you make yourself crazy over this,” Tara encouraged her. “And, Buffy…I think the fact that you’re jealous should perhaps…tell you something about your feelings for Spike.”
“Oh ho! No way am I jealous! If Spike’s moved on with that nasty little skank then why should I care?”
“Buffy…really?”
“Okay, so what if I’m jealous? The only thing that little revelation tells me is that my heart has lost its tiny mind.”
“Buffy you can trust your heart,” Tara assured her. “If you heart is telling you that Spike is the one for you, then you don’t need to fight that.”
“No! Spike is not the…anything for me. He’s just Spike. And he might be stalking me right now.” Buffy silently congratulated herself on trying to throw the conversation off on a tangent, but sadly Tara wouldn’t be deterred from trying to help the actress decipher her feelings.
“It’s really your choice what you do about Spike, but try to remember some of the coping mechanisms we worked on,” Tara reassured her, sounding as calm and collected as ever. “You can’t let this weigh you down, Buffy. That won’t end well. You need to acknowledge your feelings and work through them logically. Ignoring them will only result in feeling worse.”
“I know but I’m scared,” Buffy whispered, so low that Tara barely even caught it. “I’m scared of acknowledging how I feel. Especially when I’m not even sure of how I actually do feel. How can I know? There’s a part of me that thinks it would be okay to let myself feel for him and then as soon as I think it I get so terrified. Because love never goes well for me, Tara. I have this inbuilt device that drives men away. How can I know if I can trust Spike not to hurt me?”
“You’ll know, Buffy. When the time is right, you’ll know.”
“Really?” Her voice sounded so small and lost that Tara’s heart sank. But she’d done all she could to help the other woman. It was up to Buffy to put it all into practice now.
“Really,” Tara agreed. “I’m sorry Buffy, but I really have to go. Don’t hesitate to call me again if you need me, okay?”
“Okay.”
After thanking Tara, Buffy hung up the call and sighed. She did trust that Tara wouldn’t lead her astray but she found it difficult to put any trust in herself. The question of what her abused heart was actually capable of swirled ceaselessly around her weary mind.
Still clutching her phone to her chest, Buffy slumped down onto the bed and let the sound of her tears lull her into a restless slumber.
After a very sleepless afternoon and night, Buffy awoke the next morning feeling drowsy and pissed off. Stupid Spike making her feel bad!
An even deeper sin was that he’d stressed her out so much that she never actually bought her ice cream which meant another trip to the store. Silently she cursed him again and headed out to buy her frozen comfort food.
She left the house early, hoping to avoid seeing Spike again today. In spite of her conversation with Tara the previous day, she didn’t particularly relish the idea of confronting him. In truth she feared that she might receive some answers that she didn’t really want.
What if Spike told her he was madly in love with Cordelia and he’d realized that she was the one he wanted to spend his life with? Buffy didn’t question why he would have come to find her in Sunnydale if that were the case. That would make logical sense and the blonde was feeling anything but logical right now.
Carrying her bags full of ice cream and cookies Buffy finally arrived home, unscathed for once. The blonde had lingered on the mostly deserted streets enjoying the solitude but now she was determined to curl up on the couch with every weepy movie every written and eat her way through several pints of Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream. And she so didn’t opt for that flavor because Spike suggested it.
Okay, maybe that was kind of the reason why she selected it.
“Mom!” she yelled as she padded through the front door, dropping her keys on the small oak table by the door. “Are you home?”
“In here, dear,” her mother called back from the kitchen and Buffy headed toward the room. However she stopped still in her tracks as she soaked in the sight in front of her, almost dropping her bags full of high calorie treats.
There, right in front of her incredulous eyes, Spike was sitting at the counter, sipping from a large mug of what looked like hot chocolate. Buffy could see tiny little marshmallows bobbing around on top of the cup full of chocolate-y goodness. The rapport between Spike and her mother looked amicable, like they were actually…friends.
She thought it was probably the strangest sight she’d ever seen.
“Uh, Mom?” Buffy said in shock, glancing between her mother and the bleached pain in her ass.
“Oh, hello Buffy.” Joyce Summers grinned at her daughter. “Spike stopped by to see you earlier.”
“He…stopped by to see me. And he’s still here…drinking hot chocolate…with you.” Buffy narrowed her suspicious green eyes. “And you’re talking…like you’re some kind of talking buddies.”
“Yes,” Joyce said, sipping her own mug of chocolate. “We did get to talking and he’s been telling me all about his life.”
“He did what?!” Buffy choked out. If Spike had told her mother about his life as a porn star, Buffy would tear off his balls and wear them as this season’s latest fashion accessory.
“Yes, Spike is very well traveled. He’s been telling me about all the places he’s seen.” Buffy breathed a silent sigh of relief that he hadn’t enlightened her mother about his less than savory career. “He’s also very interested in art.”
“Oh. Art?” Buffy turned bewilderedly to a smug looking Spike. “You’ve been talking to my mother about art?”
Spike nodded. “Your Mum’s a lovely lady. Reminds me of her daughter actually.” Buffy glared meanly at his offhanded compliment. Why was he being so sweet to her? Her eyes narrowed even more. “She’s been telling me a few interesting stories too. Like the time you decided you were a boy and insisted everyone call you Bertie.”
Buffy blushed crimson and scowled at her mother. “Mom! How could you?”
“Sorry honey. You were only four at the time, so I didn’t think you’d mind if I told that story.”
“Spending the morning with your Mum has been very enlightening, love,” Spike smiled, his eyes locking with hers in an intense battle of wills that Joyce was totally oblivious to. “I feel like I know you so much better now. You should have introduced me to Joyce here earlier. Turns out we have a lot in common.”
“Yes, Buffy,” her mother agreed sincerely. “I wish you’d have brought Spike home to meet me earlier. He’s such a lovely young man.”
Suppressing the choking feeling that was welling up in her chest, Buffy nodded absently at her mother, before focusing her attentions on the smug ex-porn star lounging at her kitchen counter. Dropping her bags on the countertop, she marched over to Spike, grabbed his elbow and dragged him to his feet.
“Could you excuse us, Mom? I really need to talk to Spike.”
Her mother nodded, her face a mask of confusion as Buffy stormed out, pulling the Brit along with her. He didn’t resist her harsh treatment at all. In fact he seemed to relish the contact between them. Buffy tried to ignore the sparks that seemed to ricochet between her fingertips and his skin.
“No need to manhandle me, love,” he mumbled. “If you want to put your hands all over my hot, tight little body, all you have to do is ask.”
Buffy ignored the comment. If Spike started flirting she was sure that she would have another one of her crying jags. Knowing that he was dating someone else at the same time as her long buried feelings for him were starting to surface was like being trapped in the deepest hell. If she opened the door to her heart to him for a single moment, she was sure that she would be lost.
Putting those troubling thoughts out of her mind, she schooled her face into her patented angry scowl. “What the hell was that?” she demanded, as soon as they were alone on the front porch.
“Don’t get your knickers twisted, pet,” he said with a hint of amusement coloring his voice. “I was just sharing some stories with your Mum. Clean stories, before you take those lovely little fists to my face again.”
“I can’t believe you! You think you’re welcome in my house, with my mother?”
“Oi! Joyce didn’t seem to have any problem with me. Of course she’s not a total superbitch like her daughter.”
“What happened to ‘oh your daughter’s so bloody lovely, Mrs. Summers…let me kiss your bloody ass Mrs. Summers’?” Buffy sneered, affecting her best British accent.
“I don’t bloody well talk like that, Summers. And it’s called being polite. It’s little wonder that you’re not familiar with it.”
Feeling her ire rise further, Buffy gritted her teeth and clenched her fists. Her nails were digging into the delicate flesh of her palm so firmly that they were almost drawing blood. “Why are you still here? What part of ‘it’s never gonna happen’ did you not understand yesterday? Would it help if I offered a punch to the face to actually make you get it through your dumb skull? Or how about a kick to the balls? I mean, that is where you keep your brain isn’t it?” She glowered at him, becoming even more infuriated when he merely smirked at her.
“I’ve always had a problem with the ‘never’ part,” he admitted, jokingly. Ugh, why wasn’t he taking this seriously? Buffy felt like her nerves were shot to pieces.
“You’ve always had a problem, period,” she shot back. “I’m serious, Spike. You gotta leave town. Won’t your girlfriend be back soon anyway? Remember her? Brunette, bitch from hell? Although I guess at least she’s a step up from Harmony.”
He grimaced at her words but shook his head. “A dung beetle is a step up from Harmony,” he said trying for humor. However, his face fell when she continued to glare at him. “Look, Cordelia’s not my soddin’ girlfriend okay?” he grunted.
Buffy eyed him dubiously. She didn’t trust the peroxide blond as far as she could throw him, and she had photographic evidence that he was in the midst of a wild romance. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“It’s true!” he insisted when he saw her suspicious look.
“I saw the pictures of the two of you doing the couple-y thing. Friends don’t hold hands and whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears. They just don’t do that. So don’t feed me some bullcrap and expect me to swallow it, Spike.”
Taking out a cigarette, Spike lit it and puffed away, enjoying the familiar burn, before he could muster the energy to explain his actions to her. It was a wonder he hadn’t already smoked himself to death with the shit Buffy seemed to want to put him through. “Love, the thing with me and Queen C…it’s a publicity stunt.”
“Right,” she scoffed, rolling distrustful green eyes at him. “And you’re suddenly coming up with this story now? I asked you yesterday and you didn’t tell me that then.”
“It’s the bloody truth. My agent thought it’d be a good idea to be seen with someone like Cordy.” He chose not to include the fact that Cordelia was his wild card in making Buffy jealously enraged so she would throw herself into his arms. He figured if he admitted that he really would end up visiting the emergency room. “She’s a good girl and if the public see me with her, they start to accept me a bit more into the mainstream. It’s easier to put my past behind me that way.”
Buffy ignored the way his voice lilted when he talked about his past. She didn’t want to decipher his little hidden messages today. “Okay, maybe that’s true but why would Cordelia want to be seen with you?”
“The exact opposite reason,” he laughed, taking a drag from his cigarette. “The unwashed masses can be little buggers sometimes. If you’re seen as too much of a good girl, they want to find dirt on you. You should know all about that, pet. With me, Cordy’s airing her dirty laundry in public, so to speak, and gaining cool points at the same time.” He felt a little guilty that he was lying to her but he figured it was all in a good cause.
Although she might not see it that way if she ever found out.
Buffy suppressed a scoff at the thought of Cordelia Chase being a ‘good girl.’ The brunette hung out with Faith Lehane and that was enough proof for Buffy as to what the other woman was really like. She couldn’t help but feel that Cordelia probably had her own agenda with Spike. However, she didn’t voice her concerns and merely nodded.
“Why didn’t you tell me yesterday? I don’t understand…”
“Love, you didn’t exactly give me a chance to explain anything. As much as I lov…admire you for your…sassiness, sometimes you have to give a poor bloke a chance.”
“I see.” Buffy drew in a sharp breath as she realized what he’d almost said but ignored it. It was always the better route to take. Confronting things always ended in badness.
Although she believed him about Cordelia, that didn’t change the fact that seeing the two of them together had left her seething with jealousy, and she hated that fact.
She hated that he could provoke such a visceral reaction inside of her.
She hated that she cared at all.
“There’s someone else I’d much rather have been seen with, you know,” he whispered, lowering his voice.
Buffy shivered involuntarily. His proximity, the timbre of his voice, and his words were giving her goosebumps of the good kind. She could feel her nerves electrifying in the same way that they always did when he was around her. Except that right now there was none of the usual irritation present.
Right now all she could feel was pure lust.
Maybe it was the revelation that he was actually free and single, or maybe it was the fact that he was here in Sunnydale just to see her. Maybe it was just the way that he was looking at her right now.
But in that moment something shifted between them.
And it made her more scared than ever.
“So what do you say to spending the day together, Lamb?” he asked, hope staining his eyes a deeper blue than usual.
“I’m…not sure.” She glanced up to look at his open expressive face.
“Come on, Kitten. Let’s go and get some ice cream. I know you like that cool, thick treat. I promise to make sure that you have fun. Would never leave a lady unsatisfied, you know.”
“Are we still talking about ice cream?” she asked suddenly realizing how moist the lining of her panties had become.
“Only if you want us to be.”
She caught his gaze, getting lost in its profundity. Two bottomless pools pulled her in, filling her lungs with his liquid passion. He had the unique ability to sweep her away with a single look. Suddenly panicking, she drew back and nodded.
“I’ll be right back,” she said, her voice sounding an octave higher than usual to her own ears.
“What?”
“Don’t uh…don’t move!” She waved her arms frantically at him before ducking under his outstretched arm and disappearing back inside the house.
A bemused Spike stared after her.
“Hey Mom,” Buffy smiled, a little too brightly as she bounced into the kitchen. She leaned against the doorjamb, her eyes tinted with happiness and a touch of hysteria.
“You seem to be feeling better,” her mother commented. “Is it something to do with that nice young man?”
“No! Maybe…You think he’s nice?”
“I think he’s a very lovely young man. And he seems to have quite an effect on you.”
“There’s no…affecting.”
“Honey, it’s okay if you like him,” her mother reassured her. “I know you haven’t lucked out with men in the past. Even though you don’t talk to me about those things, a mother just knows. But in spite of his peculiar name, Spike seems sincere in his affection for you. I think you can trust your heart on this one.”
“You think so?” Buffy chewed on a lip. In some ways her mother was echoing what Tara had told her. The actress trusted both her mother and her therapist.
The problem was learning to trust herself.
“I do think so. Just don’t close your heart off, sweetheart. I’ve seen you do it all your life and I don’t want to see you end up alone. And did you notice?”
“Notice what?”
“Spike…he’s got rather large feet.”
“Mother!” Buffy exclaimed in a scandalized tone.
“I might be your mother but I still notice these things.”
“There is no way to say eww strongly enough, Mom.”
“Don’t be silly.” Joyce grinned. “So where is the nice young man in question?”
Buffy blushed and ducked her head. “He’s waiting on the porch. He wants me to go out with him!”
“Uh huh.” Joyce nodded knowingly.
“Just for coffee or ice cream or something. But oh God! Mommy, help me! What should I do?” Instead of a fully grown adult, the actress sounded like a child in that moment and Joyce felt a pang of regret in her heart. Her daughter had never really gotten a proper childhood in the full force of the limelight and in some ways it had kept her from blossoming into an independent young adult.
Blinking in surprise that her daughter was seeking her counsel in matters of the heart, the older Summers lady quickly concealed her shock. “Ice cream in the middle of winter?” Joyce asked with amusement. “I understand when it’s comfort food, but that boy is edible enough on his own.” She spoke pointedly but Buffy just rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to think about her mother crushing on Spike. However charming the Brit was, that was just way too weird to absorb.
“Okay, really not making with the helpful, Mom. I don’t know what to do!”
“Well, what do you want to do? Do you want to go on a date with Spike?” Joyce rubbed absently at one of her temples as she studied her daughter, waiting for a response.
“It’s totally not a date!”
Joyce exhaled slowly. “Okay, sweetie. Do you want to go out with him at all?”
“Kinda…I mean yes but I don’t know.”
“It’s good to know you’re so decisive dear.”
A scowl touched Buffy’s face for a moment before it melted back into worry. “If I go then he’s gonna think it’s a date.”
“Would that be so bad?”
“No, it wouldn’t. And that’s what makes it worse. Going on a date with Spike…it should be something that makes me run away screaming. A little while ago it would have done exactly that. And it’s totally wiggin’ me out but I want to go. I really do.” Her eyes widened as she realized that was the honest truth. “I want to go on a…a date with Spike.”
Covering her smile at Buffy’s epiphany, Joyce cleared her throat. “Should I not wait up?”
Buffy mock glared at her mother and whirled on her heel, marching out of the room. However, she couldn’t wipe away the smile that threatened to break out on her face.
“Okay!” Buffy said to Spike when she finally came back out of the house.
He was still waiting in the exact spot that she’d left him in. She licked her lips as he turned his smoldering azure gaze to her.
“Okay, what?” He pushed himself forward off of the railing, tilting his head to one side as he waited for her answer.
“I’ll spend the day with you. As friends.”
“Is that what we are, pet?” His finger grazed the underside of her chin. “Friends?”
Buffy allowed her eyes to flutter shut, blocking out his probing gaze. “I hope so, Spike.”
It wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t enough for the rest of forever. But for now…it was enough.
Seemingly appeased for the moment, Spike grinned and offered his outstretched arm to the lady next to him. Although she hesitated momentarily, finally she linked her arm through his.
Together they set off through the empty streets of Sunnydale.