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The pair of blonds exited the ice cream parlor in pensive silence. Today had been very strange but it had actually turned out to be fun. Even the deep and meaningful conversations that they shared actually seemed cathartic, more than painful. She couldn’t imagine that happening with anyone else.

Of course, when something was going right, something else had to come along and spoil everything.

The ‘spoiler’ came in the shape of an overweight, balding middle aged paparazzo, lurking behind a tree on the sidewalk outside ‘Gianni’s Gelato.’ As the pair of blonds made their way out of the store, they were suddenly blinded by the relentless flashing of a camera bulb. Instinctively Buffy put her hands over to face to shield herself.

However, Spike’s instinctive reaction was a little more…animalistic.

Seeing the intruder on his utopian day, he let out a terrifying roar, marching forward and grabbing the offender. The peroxide blond slammed the other man up against the tree, hearing a satisfying crack as his head hit the wood. He snatched the camera from the man with a sneer.

“Spike!” Buffy called, worried. She wasn’t sure what worried her more: Spike losing control and killing the guy and ending up in prison; or the guy actually ending up dead.

“I’ve got this under control pet,” he hissed at her, keeping his eyes focused on the dazed man in front of him. “Just trust me.”

Buffy’s breath hitched in her chest. Trust him? Could she actually accomplish that? She glanced at his angry yet earnest face and nodded, letting the tension drain out of her. She could put her trust in Spike on this one thing. Trust that he wouldn’t actually hurt the guy. Trust that he could handle it.

Even if she couldn’t trust him with her heart, she could try to trust him on this.

Spike graced her with a small grateful smile before turning back and glaring at the photographer. He gripped the terrified man’s camera more tightly in his right hand. His left hand was fixed firmly around the other man’s throat.

“Listen up, Picture Boy,” Spike growled tersely. “You’re going to head back to LA or whatever other rock you might have crawled out from under. When you get there, you won’t say anything about seeing Miss Summers here, will you?”

The petrified man shook his head wildly, eyes darting to Buffy’s intentionally impassive face as she watched the scene.

She looked detached, as if she wasn’t really there seeing Spike beat up some not-so-poor, not-so-innocent reporter. Actually she wouldn’t have minded a turn with him either. The kind of turn where he ended up getting his grape nuts squished.

“Please,” the paparazzo pleaded. “I won’t use the pictures. Just don’t hurt me.”

A nasty smile spread over Spike’s face. He might have been trying to change to be a better man for Buffy, but he still had an innate streak of sadism that ran deeply through his blood.

“I won’t hurt you, mate.” Throwing the camera to the ground, the blond brought his dirty boot down heavily onto the contraption, shattering it into pieces. “Can’t say the same for the camera though.”

He threw the older man away from him like he was tossing away garbage and wiped his hands on his pants. The balding man was staring at his broken camera with abject horror but Spike couldn’t care less, because he could see Buffy trying to hide her smile behind her hand and if she wasn’t upset with him then it was all okay.

“I don’t think he’ll be following me again,” Buffy laughed as the paparazzo scooped up what was left of his camera before scampering away as quickly as his little legs could carry him.

“Don’t think he’ll be following anyone again,” Spike agreed with a firm nod. He whipped out a cigarette and took a deep drag. “Bloody pansy hasn’t got the guts for a job like this anyway.”

Buffy giggled. “I don’t think he expected you to go all Genghis Khan on his ass though.”

“Probably not. But it made him shit his pants. So I repeat…not got the bloody guts.”

“I guess not.”

“You guess right.”

“Spike,” Buffy said slowly. “Thank you. Thanks for standing up to that guy for me I mean.” She paused recalling how mad she’d been at him the last time he’d defended her honor. But she’d changed since then with Tara’s help. “Not that I couldn’t have kicked his ass myself but I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate it. I know I haven’t always been appreciative of your help in the past and I don’t want you to think I’m still all unappreciate-y Buffy, because I’m not and…”

“Buffy!” Spike interrupted her, holding up a hand. “You’re rambling, love.”

“Right. Sometimes I kinda play out the whole ramble-y girl thing,” she said apologetically. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright love. I find it endearing when you ramble.”

Buffy smiled but it quickly morphed into a yawn as toll of the past few weeks finally began to catch up with her.

“I should probably be getting back. I mean I had a really great time and everything with you but I don’t wanna get back too late. Mom’s been having a few headaches the past couple days and she thinks I don’t know about it ‘cause I’m all self-pity-y and self-absorb-y but sometimes I worry about her. She’s my mom, you know. She’s all I’ve really got.”

“It’s probably the stress of having such a demanding daughter puts that strain on her,” he joked with a smile. “She’s a nice lady, your Mum. Treated me right proper, she did. Most people just see me as a tender piece of meat to sink their teeth into but she cared for me like my own Mum used to.”

“Can I just say ‘eww’ for the image of Mom sinking her teeth into any part of you,” Buffy giggled.

“My parts are reserved for you,” Spike assured her. However, the offhanded quip immediately made Buffy tense up again. She could be oh so comfortable with him but as soon as he reminded her of the way he felt, it made everything complicated again.

He took a deep breath, trying to ignore the awkwardness that was springing up all around them once again. “Come on then love, we best get you back.” Offering his arm hopefully to the lady, Spike inhaled a deep breath, his stomach roiling as she hesitated before taking it.

“Walk you home, love?” he asked shyly.

“Why kind Sir!” Buffy laughed, affecting a Southern Belle accent. “That would be just wonderful.”

And just like that…the tension dissipated.

The walk back to Revello was made in companionable silence. Neither wanted to break the quiet and possibly ruin the mood. Not to mention they were both lost in their own deep thoughts about the implications of the day they’d spent together.

Buffy was, for the most part, confused about how she felt about it. Her emotions were going through a meat grinder right now.

She’d started the day believing that Spike was attached to an actress that she didn’t care for. Then she’d found him chatting with her mother as if they were old friends reunited after decades. And he’d ended the day by defending her honor…again. Not that she needed him to defend her. She could easily have kicked Short N’ Bald in the nuts if she’d wanted.

But it was the sentiment behind his actions that really rang a bell with her. She couldn’t imagine any other guy jumping to her defense so easily, except for maybe Giles…but the older Brit didn’t count.

Spike glanced at Buffy, wondering what was passing through her brain. If only he knew! She was as preoccupied with thoughts about him as he was with thoughts about her.

His mind raced with thoughts about the objects of his affection and fond memories of today. He could easily admit that it was the best day of his life. Spending time with a woman who he’d come to care so deeply for was the closest a man like him would probably ever get to heaven.

The problem was that he didn’t want it to end. He didn’t want this to be all they ever had. Together they could experience so much more, as a team, a partnership. As a couple.

And that was the part that scared him so thoroughly because he had no idea if Buffy would ever let him love her that way.

However, he knew that he had to find out for sure. Spike Pryce wasn’t a patient man, and he couldn’t wait and see how things developed between them. He was compelled to admit his own feelings for her.

As soon as they arrived outside her mother’s house, he realized that it was now or never. They headed up onto the porch and he leaned against the railings, summoning his courage.

This was the time when he found out if he’d struck gold or if it was all about to turn to shit.

“Buffy, love,” he began nervously, avoiding her eyes, “I…I’m not really sure how to say this to you.”

A worried frown formed on her brow and she cocked her head. “What’s wrong?”

“Wrong? Nothing’s wrong, pet. I just…I have something I want to talk to you about and I don’t want you to go off your bloody rocker when I tell you.”

Buffy licked her lips and signaled with her hand for him to continue. She could see beads of sweat breaking out on his face and wrinkled her nose in confusion. What could he possibly have to tell her that would make him so seemingly…anxious?

“Right!” He exhaled sharply and fiddled with the cigarette he pulled out from behind his ear. “Today has been good hasn’t it?”

“Yeah, I’ve had fun,” she agreed honestly. “Apart from the crazy paparazzo guy. But…thanks for not killing him or something.”

“I told you, I’ve changed, love. I’m not the arsehole I used to be. And I had fun too by the way.” He smiled a genuine smile at her. “I’d like to have more fun like this in the future. Actually I’d like to have it every bloody day if I’m honest with you, Kitten. Today opened my eyes to something that I already know but didn’t want to focus on. The fact is that I can’t live without you.”

“Huh?” Buffy’s jaw hung slackly in her face as she tried to digest his admission.

Seemingly oblivious to her shock and discomfort, Spike continued. “I’m painfully in love with you, Summers. You’re a ruddy pain in the arse most of the time, annoying, contrary, snobbish, but I can’t help wanting you. Can’t help needing you. I’m drowning in you, Buffy, and I don’t want to be saved. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy.”

“You don’t love me, Spike,” she denied, her brain suddenly snapping out of its shock and kicking back into action. “I don’t know why you keep on thinking that you’re in love with me but obviously that’s totally nutballs. Have you completely lost your mind?”

“I have every part of my mind fully intact.”

“That’s exactly what a crazy person would say,” she countered, pointing accusingly at him with her hand. “Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. And if you don’t see how…insane it is to fall in love with me in one day then…you shouldn’t just fly over the cuckoo’s nest, you should be burrowed deep inside of it.”

“I didn’t fall in love with you today!” he yelled, drawing the attention of an older couple passing by.

“Exactly! You didn’t.”

“No, I didn’t. I’ve told you before how I feel about you. You already knew how I felt but you pretend it doesn’t exist and you deny it to yourself! You want to know when I bloody well knew I loved you? I fell in love with you the very first time I met you. I guess maybe I didn’t know it right away, not until I lost you. But I felt it more deeply than anything. And I’ve carried on loving you every buggering day since.”

“I don’t understand.” Buffy stared at him blankly, uncomprehending of what he was trying to tell her. “You’re talking about six years ago? I mean you treated me like total crap back then. You lied to me about who you were and then all of that stuff you said to Glory…”

“I’m sorry,” he told her honestly. “What I said…I was wrong. I was a complete and utter git to go on television and say that stuff to that bloody skank. When you told me you didn’t want to be with me and you wouldn’t even sleep with me, I felt rejected and hurt so I bloody lashed out in the only way I knew how.”

He wasn’t sure how much of his apology she was even absorbing. The girl looked ready to hit the ground, in all honesty. All he could hope was that she would accept his confession and be able to forgive him.

Seeing that she wasn’t going to respond, Spike cleared his throat. “I need you to try and put that load of bollocks in the past. I’m not the same git that broke your heart like that. I wouldn’t do that now. I’d protect it, love. Six years and you’re all I’ve thought about, dreamt about. You’re in my throat, in my gut. I’m lost without you, love.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Buffy said, her breath trickling from her body in a steady stream, like a balloon deflating. “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you! I just need you to understand…”

“Understand what?! What are you saying?”

“I’m telling you that this…what I feel for you spurred me on to be…everything I could be.” His brow rose ironically at the words. He paused and sucked in a deep breath, garnering his courage. “After what happened all those years ago I realized something. I’d never felt that way about anyone and I couldn’t just let you go. But I knew you wouldn’t want me the way I was. You wouldn’t accept a porn star.”

“Or a liar,” she added, sotto voce.

“Or a liar,” he agreed.

“Or a creep who goes on national TV and says mean things about me.”

“Or that,” Spike hissed from between clenched teeth. He’d forgotten just how frustrating his girl could be at times. “So I realized I had to change. I saved up as much money as I could from the business. And then I got out and went straight. And then…I wanted to get close to you. I needed to show you that I’d changed. Bollocksed that one up didn’t I? Acting like a first class arse is apparently still my bloody forte.”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “Oh my God! You took that job on ‘Murder Most Strange’ because you knew that I was working on that episode.”

“Yeah,” he admitted with a shy nod. “That’s exactly why I took it. I needed to show you that I’m not the same man I was back then.”

“So you decided to show me you’re a stalker instead?”

“No!” He shook his head vehemently in denial, hurt creeping into his eyes when she backed away from him slightly.

He wondered just how everything had turned from gold to lead in a matter of moments. Buffy had known that he loved her and yet she was acting like it was a new revelation. For the first time he wondered just what it would take to chip away her denial forever,

“Yes, Spike! That’s exactly what you’re doing. Taking a job just to see me, punching my ex boyfriend to ‘defend my honor’, following me here. You define the word ‘stalking’ with your insane-o behavior.”

Ironically the move he made next could only be called ‘stalking’. Not the scary, lurking in the bushes kind, but the sort of movement a predator might make. He approached her as if she was a mouse and he was the cat. His muscles looked coiled and ready to pounce at any moment.

Buffy inhaled sharply at his movement, wincing when his strong hands roughly grabbed her upper arms, dragging her closer. So close, she could feel his hot, smoky breath on her neck. His rich, earth scent was filling her senses and she couldn’t breathe. He was choking her, suffocating her, and despite all logical and rationale, she didn’t want it to stop.

“I did it because I had to.” His voice was deep and scratchy, like car tires running over gravel. “I’d never hurt you, Buffy. I’m in love with you. God, I’m a git. Always a bloody fool for love but I can’t stop.”

“Try!” she urged him, her body feeling limp as he kept a hold of her.

“I can’t. All I think about is holding you. All I dream about is tasting you. That night we spent together was the best night of my bloody pathetic life, even if you did skitter away the next morning before I even cracked an eye.”

“Stop!”

“No, there’s something else you should know.” He lowered his eyes, not wanting to see her disappointment. He needed to tell her the truth right now even if she never talked to him again. “I set up the stunt with Cordelia…because I wanted you to find out and get bitten by the jealousy bug. I thought it would make you want me.”

Buffy’s jaw almost hit the ground at his revelation. “You’re sick! You thought if…oh my God. To think I actually thought today was a genuine attempt at being friends and all along you were playing me. I hate you!”

“I’m telling you because I’m trying to be bloody honest with you, Summers. Can’t you appreciate that?”

“It’s not okay to just lie and do bad stuff and then admit it and apologize. That doesn’t wipe away the bad, Spike.”

“I know. But you need to understand why I did it. I did it for you, for us. I want you, love and I…need you.”

His hands came up on either side of her trapping her against the wall of her house. She didn’t know what to do, how to react, what to think. Her mind was whirling with conflicting emotions as he stared intensely into her eyes, almost hypnotizing her with his gaze.

As he continued to stare at her something inside of her was building. Something that was hot and desperate to break through. She felt like a volcano, bubbling and burning, overflowing with the lava of her feelings and there was no way to push them back.

“What do you want from me?” she asked, panting and breathless.

He didn’t give her an answer because he couldn’t tell her in words. There were no more words to cover what he wanted or what he needed from her.

Instead he lowered his lips to hers and kissed her, softly and reverently, as if she was something precious. He tried to pour all his feelings for her into that kiss, to tell her everything he wanted to say through his body. At first she tried to resist, but Spike was like quicksand, dragging her down into his mire until there was no way she could escape.

His hands wound into her golden locks and she moaned into his mouth. However, it was that moan that tugged her out of her trance and brought her crashing back to reality.

What the hell was she doing?

She was kissing Spike Pryce and this time she didn’t have the excuse of being drunk, unless being drunk on his kisses counted as an excuse.

No matter how many pretty words he said to her, it didn’t change the way she felt about him. He’d only proved that he took one step forward and two steps back every time he supposedly tried to change his ways and it was hellish to recognize that he would probably never be the man she wanted him to be.

So what if she was attracted to him? By now she’d accepted that was pretty much a given. But she couldn’t let herself love him. He was darkness and she was light. That much she knew. And darkness comes along to eclipse the light.

That was the way she felt around him. Like she was dying, being born into someone else, someone she didn’t recognize.

It had to end.

Wrenching herself away from him, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, ignoring the hurt that flashed in his eyes when he saw her actions.

“So that’s it then, is it?” He looked like he was going to either cry or kick something.

“Spike, don’t you see that this is wrong?”

“Being in deep, painful, all-consuming love with you is wrong?”

“Yes!” she answered, becoming increasingly flustered. And then she finally admitted her deepest fear. “You shouldn’t love me. I’m not worth…I’m not worth your love.”

The stoic expression on his face crumbled at her words into overt shock and finally anger. “Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that, love! You’re worth more than you could ever know. How can you doubt yourself like this?”

“You see this perfect version of me but that girl isn’t real, Spike. I’m not who you think I am.”

“I know exactly who you are, pet. I know who you are on the inside. You think I don’t realize you have faults? That’s a load of bloody bollocks. I see your faults and I accept them as being part of you. I love all of you, Buffy Summers. The good, the bad and the ugly. I’m far from perfect but we can be imperfect together.”

“Two imperfections? That would never work. The sides need to be straight to fit together.”

“Not in my world, Goldilocks,” he smirked. “And you think I can’t wait? I can bloody wait for you, love. You’re well worth it.”

“We’re not in your world now. Spike, I can’t promise you that there’ll ever be a chance for us.”

“I’ll wait for as long as it takes, love,” he called over his shoulder as he spun around and strode away from her. “But don’t mistake that I will be waiting pet. And one day you’ll see the truth.”

Inside of her chest her heart was cracking, shattering into tiny shards of lost love and abandoned hope. She wasn’t sure she would be whole again.

It hurt him just as badly to turn and walk away. But he couldn’t force her to be ready for him, or to want him at all. However, patience wasn’t Spike’s forte and his wasn’t sure just how true his promise would turn out to be. He could wait, but not for long. He knew himself well enough to know that.

It was scant consolation when the faint sounds of her sobs reached his ears from behind him, salty tears dried by the breeze. He was pleased to know she was suffering as deeply as he was, but when all was said and done, it didn’t ease the burn.

Buffy watched him walk away toward his car with trepidation filling the empty cavity of her chest. The whole day had felt surreal, like something out of a dream.

Even though the passion crackled between them, being around Spike had been weirdly comfortable. She didn’t have to worry about trying to live up to impossible standards, and she could just be Buffy. He didn’t judge her even when she poured out her heart to him. Wracking her brains, she tried to recall the last time she felt that way, but came up blank.

Unfortunately, Buffy knew that true happiness was short lived. The pinnacle of elation always preceded the depths of the worst kinds of depression. Experience had taught her to run away from happiness before it did a one-eighty and bit her in her ass.

That was why she wasn’t sure she would ever be ready. It was why he had to leave. But watching him walk away from her was like having her heart ripped out again.

Her mind flickered back to when her first love, Angel O’ Connor, had dumped her the morning after they slept together. He’d told her that it wouldn’t be good for his career as a movie star to be tied down to anyone, even someone as famous as Buffy was. And then to Riley Finn and the way he’d stomped on her feelings to save his own ego from humiliation.

Those memories made her realize she was doing the right thing. Love wasn’t worth the pain. Throwing everything into the ring simply meant that you risked losing everything, and Buffy wasn’t prepared to jeopardize anything if it meant she couldn’t be hurt again.

Heading back into the house, she felt the beginnings of a headache forming in her temples. She needed to lie down…maybe indefinitely. She needed to clear her head of every thought and allow her tense mind and body to relax.

However, as her eyes settled on the scene in front of her, she was barely even aware of the bloodcurdling scream that flew from her lips like the wail of a siren.

“No! Please God no!”

Lost in the daze of sorrowful shock, Buffy sank to her knees.





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