Time always seems to pass so sluggishly when you’re waiting for something. It’s as if the world starts to rotate more slowly on its axis and every second drags itself out into an eternity.
As Buffy and Spike sat silently wrapped in each other’s arms in the waiting room, time appeared to have slowed down almost to a stop. The pair remained perched on a knife’s edge, waiting for news…good or bad.
There’d been no word from the doctors on Joyce’s condition so far and with every moment that passed, another glimmer of hope seemed to flee Buffy’s heart. She felt desolate and lost. Her only anchor was the man she’d pushed away so many times. But now she couldn’t do anything but cling to him.
Spike was determined not to leave Buffy’s side. Only momentarily had he moved from her to call her manager and let him know what had happened. He hoped that Giles would help the blonde but deep down he knew that the only cure for her pain lay in Joyce’s recovery. He didn’t even want to consider any alternatives.
The blond didn’t tell the distraught girl how he’d suffered an unrelenting inquisition from his British counterpart as to why he was there with Buffy. Unfortunately, he feared that his lackluster excuses might not have cut it with the sharp-witted older man. Rupert Giles was extraordinarily astute and Spike didn’t miss the suspicious tone of Giles’ voice when Spike informed him of his presence in the small town.
It didn’t matter to Spike though. The manager could come at him with an angry mob wielding burning torches and he wouldn’t back away from the woman he loved. Buffy needed him and he would stay with her no matter what. Maybe he was kidding himself or overestimating just how much she wanted him there but he didn’t care.
When she clung to him like a lost child he’d seen through the armor she clad herself in. He’d seen the real girl behind the mask and that girl just wanted to be held. Right now she wanted…and needed…him.
When a doctor finally headed toward them, both the blonds immediately leaped to their feet. Spike glanced at Buffy and saw the devastated yet hopeful expression on her tearstained face.
“You’re Mrs. Summers’ daughter?” the older, brown haired man asked as he paused in front of the worried pair.
“Yeah,” Buffy nodded, her voice strained and hoarse. “How is she?” Her hands ran absently up and down her arms, vainly attempting to warm her chilled skin. She couldn’t eradicate the chill though because it was coming from the inside.
“I’m afraid the diagnosis isn’t good,” he said grimly. “Your mother collapsed and hit her head, which caused the bleeding. We have managed to stop the bleed but there was a deeper cause for the accident.”
“Don’t beat around the soddin’ bush, mate,” Spike said shortly, unsuccessfully trying to conceal his own unease. “Tell us what’s the matter.”
“We’ve conducted a brain scan to try to locate the root cause for her accident and we found a shadow on her brain. I’m afraid that it looks like your mother is suffering from a tumor.”
“A…uh…t-tumor? Like a brain tumor?” Buffy blinked rapidly, her face paling to the point where Spike feared she might pass out
“I’m afraid so,” nodded the doctor. “We believe it caused her to experience a blackout and that’s why she collapsed. Unfortunately, as you know, she hit her head when she fell and suffered some blood loss, but we’ve been able to suture the wound and it won’t be a problem.”
“Okay,” sighed Buffy. “But a tumor? That’s like…cancer, right?”
The doctor shook his head vehemently. “No, not necessarily. We have every hope that it’s benign and that we’ll be able to remove it.”
“If it’s not cancer then why do you need to remove it?” she asked shrilly, approaching the point of hysteria. “I mean, it’s fine, right? Real peachy ‘cause it’s all benign.”
The doctor’s expression didn’t change but Spike noticed a flash of sympathy behind the other man’s eyes. “No, even a benign tumor can put pressure on the brain. If we were to leave it, then I have no doubt your mother would suffer further blackouts and possibly seizures. We can remove it with a simple operation though, so you shouldn’t worry.”
“Simple?” Buffy scoffed through her tears. “Cracking open my mother’s skull and tearing out a chunk of her brain is simple to you?”
“Come on now, Summers,” Spike said gently, stepping forward and laying a hand on the small of her back. “The docs are doing their best. It’s not easy for them.”
The aggravated blonde shook off his touch and whirled on him. “And you think this is easy for me?”
“No, I don’t. There’s nothing as hard as this in the whole bloody world, pet. You only have one mum and you’re terrified of losing yours. I understand that but taking it out on the doctor that’s trying to soddin’ well help her won’t get us anywhere.” His face softened and his eyes turned pleading. “Just let them do their jobs, Buffy.”
Spike turned to the doctor, his eyes apologetic. “She’s in a bit of a state,” he said, ignoring the furious girl at his side. “Could you give us some time?”
The doctor nodded. “We’re taking her up to the OR as soon as possible so we’ll hopefully have some news for you soon.”
“Can’t I see her first?” Buffy asked through clenched teeth and cascading tears.
“I’m afraid that won’t be possible. We’re moving her now but you can see her after.” With a final cautious smile he left them alone in the hallway, practically facing off against each other.
“I want her moved to a better hospital. Sunnydale General is not the best place for her,” Buffy insisted rounding on Spike as soon as the doctor was out of earshot.
“Seems to me they know what they’re doing, Kitten,” said Spike. “And the operation is urgent. If they faff about moving her somewhere else then it could waste vital time.”
The young woman seemed to deflate at his words, her shoulders slumping defeatedly. “I’m just…so scared, Spike.” Buffy shook her head and licked her parched lips. “If she dies…”
“Hey now! None of that.”
She turned her pale face to him and nodded. “I think I need some air or something. I’m gonna go outside and…” She didn’t finish her sentence. She couldn’t. Her mind was in pieces right now.
“Well I’ll come with you, pet. Could do with a fag after all this. Feeling nicotine deprived.” He grinned, trying to lighten the mood and she forced an attempt at a smile in response.
Together they headed out of the doors into the fresh evening air. The pair made their way around into one of the alleys behind the hospital where they were afforded a little more privacy.
Spike sparked up a cigarette savoring the taste in the back of his throat. It burned deliciously, distracting him from Buffy’s almost imperceptible trembling and the tangible silence. She stood ramrod straight against the dirty wall, not even looking at him. He wanted to talk but he couldn’t find anything to say.
What words would provide comfort in such dire times?
It was the sound of Buffy’s broken voice that finally shattered the silence.
“I feel like it’s my fault, this thing with my Mom,” she admitted to Spike, leaning her weary hair against the cool stone of the wall in back of her.
His eyes snapped to her, studying her profile in shadows. “What are you talking about? It’s not your bloody fault. Even if you’d been at home then…”
“No,” interrupted Buffy. “I don’t mean that…I don’t mean that I could have stopped her from falling or… When I was a kid, my mom was the one who wanted me to have a life in front of the cameras.” She paused for a moment but her confession forced itself from her lips. “She always wanted to be a dancer when she was a little girl but she never made it so I guess she was doing the living vicariously thing through her darling daughter. She took me to some auditions, thinking that maybe I’d have some kind of future in it and…well it got all spiral-y out of control from there.”
“Still not seeing how any of this is your fault, pet.” Spike scratched the back of his neck, wondering exactly where her story was leading.
“A-after I got real famous and life started to suck because of just how famous I was, I g-guess a part of me started to play the blame game with her. I never told her but I-I used to think it was all her fault. If she hadn’t pushed me into the industry I’d just be a normal girl having a normal life. It’s one of the reasons why I barely ever went home to visit. Because I blamed her, because I thought maybe if I had a different mother then I wouldn’t be stuck with this stupid life in the stupid limelight, being judged by every stupid person in the whole stupid world.”
Her sobs were coming thick and fast now, fat tears rolling down her reddened face. She tried to scrub the moisture away with trembling fists but even as she tried, the weeping only got harder.
With hesitant movements, Spike stepped forward, reaching for the blonde and pulling her into his arms. For several moments she resisted, beating her tiny fists furiously on his chest, but then she couldn’t resist the call of his comfort any longer and she melted into his strong arms. His upper body wrapped around her like a shield from the pain, momentary solace from the hurt.
“Shh, now,” he whispered, his breath hot against her ear. “It wasn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself, Buffy. You shoulder the blame for too many bloody things already.”
“But I did it. I brought it on her!”
“You might have a lot of sway in this world, pet, but even you’re not so arrogant as to believe you control the forces of nature. This would have happened even if you were serving up fries at the bloody Doublemeat Palace.”
“I can’t do it, Spike. I just can’t. I don’t know if I can survive this.”
“You’re strong, you know. A real fighter. You can handle whatever there is to come.”
He didn’t tell her that everything would be alright, and she was glad of that. Because she didn’t want to hear him lie to her.
“I’m not a fighter,” she whispered, her whole body sagging hopelessly. “Everything’s too hard. I thought…thought I was dealing with it, thought I could do it, but I can’t. I’m breaking on the inside and if she dies…”
Her eyes glistened under the moonlight with a sheen of tears as she leveled her gaze to his. It was unusual for the young actress to display her weaknesses to someone so blatantly, especially someone she didn’t wholly trust, but she needed Spike’s support in this. He was the only thing holding her together at that moment and she feared that alone she would crumble.
“Hush now, kitten,” Spike said gently, as if he was consoling a child. “Now’s not the time for ‘what ifs?’ You need to distract yourself.”
Buffy buried her face deeper into the abyss of Spike’s hold. The man felt so solid against her in a way she’d never noticed before. He was the most real thing in the world at that very second and the warmth of his body pushed up against hers made it seem like nothing else existed.
“You’re right,” she whispered, acutely aware of the tantalizing feel of Spike’s muscles under her hands as she rested them on the toned plane of his chest. “I do need something else.”
She lifted her face to look at him, her tortured eyes imploring him to help her, to whisk her mind away from the cold harshness of reality to a place where she could forget her pain.
For several seconds Spike stared back and it didn’t take long before he saw that familiar spark in her eyes. So many women had flashed that look at him in the past…and now here he was with Buffy.
Sensing what she wanted, Spike blanched. It wasn’t that he had a problem with giving a woman a good seeing to when she wanted it but Buffy wasn’t in her right mind at this moment. She was broken over her mother’s sickness and he knew almost for sure that if he let her use his body as a mental tranquilizer then she would regret it.
“Now, pet I don’t think this is the best idea.”
However, Buffy wasn’t perturbed by his reaction. In fact she couldn’t even process it. The blonde was reduced to her primal state, operating only on instinct and her impulses were vying for Spike right now. “Please, make me forget, Spike. Help me to forget.” She tugged at his shirt, urging him to remove it.
On the street to the side of where they were standing, the cars rushed past, but it didn’t seem to faze her that they were in a semi-public place. She didn’t seem to care that he had her pushed up against a wall in a dirty alley where any stray paparazzo could wander past and take a career-ending snap. The only thought on her mind was losing herself in his body and letting him erase all of the badness from her head.
“I need you,” she demanded, even though her voice was coated with sorrow. “Just do it, you bastard.” Her open palm slapped the center of his chest with as much force as she could muster. There was no way she was going to be denied the one thing she needed right now.
He should have been strong and said no. He should have told her that it wouldn’t solve anything and guided her inside for a steaming cup of cocoa and mini marshmallows. But he was weak, and it wasn’t something that he would even try to deny.
Standing here in front of the woman he’d spent six years in love with while she begged him to make love to her…okay…to fuck her was just too much.
Without any further thought for the consequences of his actions, he tugged her flush against him, their bodies sensually squashed together, and pressed his lips against hers. Initially he tried for gentleness, wanting to give her what she wanted and needed but Buffy wasn’t craving gentleness right now.
“Wanna make this bloody good for you,” he whispered, but Buffy tried to block her ears to the sound. She fisted her hands in his short hair, mussing the curls from the rigid prison of their gel.
The last thing she wanted was for him to be tender, drawing out her feelings. She desired rough, animalistic fucking that would make her forget all of her troubles. All she wanted was for him to take her, hurt her, purge her mind of coherent thought. With that aim in mind, it wasn’t long before she turned the kiss harder, more demanding.
Her tongue tangled with his, their teeth clashing against each other as they battled for the upper hand. No longer able to wait, Buffy’s hands wandered over the prominent bulge below Spike’s jeans. He was hard and throbbing underneath the rough, unforgiving denim, craving his release inside of her warmth.
She quickly pulled down his zipper, freeing the length of his cock as it leaped into her warm hand. The combination of her hot skin and the cool evening air on his cock almost pushed him over the edge but he gritted his teeth and held back. He was a professional after all and he’d had experience in holding back for hours.
The problem was…he’d never had to service the woman he loved before.
Yanking down her own pants, and shaking out of one of the legs, she spread herself for him, not giving him a chance to back away. Not that he would have backed away now. Even though in the back of his mind he was aware that she was using him, he wasn’t thinking with the big head anymore.
His fingers wandered over her pussy, rubbing her clitoris so furiously that it didn’t take long to draw a gush of juices from her, coating the palm of his hand and flooding over his wrist. The slippery little nub hardened under his attentions as he roughly pinched and twisted at it. Her eyes were screwed tightly shut as she lost herself in the terrible bliss he was subjecting her to.
Realizing she was ready to take him in, in one fluid stroke he lined up his pulsating dick with her sopping channel and sank inside. The blonde’s green eyes snapped open at the intrusion and she let out a lengthy moan, clearly not having expected him to fill her so fully.
“Bloody fuck!” he swore, pausing to adjust to the feeling of being inside.
In that moment the full gravity of the situation slammed into him. He was inside of the woman he loved. They were joined intimately and as she gazed down at him, her eyes filled with passion and lust and want for him he thought it might be the sweetest second of his whole existence.
A moan brought him back from his thoughts as Buffy sighed and gasped against him. “Please, Spike,” she mewled, needing him to move and take her and make her forget her pain.
“Don’t worry, pet. I’ll give you the ride of your bloody life.”
He plunged relentlessly into her hot depths, reaching places of her that had never been stimulated before. In every thrust he broke her apart and made her whole again. She was one raw nerve ending in his hands and he made her feel things she’d never felt before.
“So bloody tight, like a glove you fit me, don’t you, Summers?” Spike babbled, breathing in the sweet, powdery scent of Buffy’s neck as he slammed into her. “You’re perfect, everything I could want, pet. God, so bloody good.”
Buffy wasn’t listening to Spike’s constant stream of praise though. She tuned it out and focused only on the sensations he was generating in her body. The worries, the pain, the anger…they all fled from her mind leaving nothing else in the world other than her and Spike.
It was heaven.
Her clenched hands bit into his shoulders as she steadied herself atop him, but he didn’t complain even as her nails drew blood from him. The cruel wall grated against her sensitive back, but she didn’t complain either. That slight edge of pain only added another dimension to their experience.
When the orgasmic ecstasy finally slammed into her, Buffy flailed in her lover’s arms, her mouth dropping open in a perfect little ‘o’. She never wanted to allow this feeling to slip from her grasp.
As soon as Spike felt Buffy’s orgasm overtake her, he allowed his own pleasure to burst from deep within him.
“Bloody hell, Buffy!” he roared. “So fucking good. Such a wonderful, beautiful little cunt!”
His heavy balls tightened, her pussy milking him, and his load poured from within him, spilling into her. Their twin moans of completion filled the night air before silence reigned once more.
For several moments they rested against each other, trying to regain their stolen breath and recover from the torrent of pleasure that had inundated their senses. Finally, Buffy lowered her legs from around his waist, holding back the groan of loss as he slipped out of her sensitive depths.
“I have to go back inside,” she told him, her voice a bland monotone, grimacing slightly as his cooling juices ran down her legs. Refusing to look at him she yanked her pants back on and smoothed her mussed hair.
“We need to chat this out,” he replied, trying to keep his own voice just a steady and emotionless as hers.
“What is there to chat about?” Vacant eyes stared at him. “We had sex, we screwed, we fucked up against this goddamn wall while my mother might be dying in the OR. What we did was…dirty and disgusting and no one can ever know about it. I think that’s all there is to say, don’t you?”
Pushing past him, she made her way out of the alley, leaving the blond alone next to the dumpsters.
Only moments later, his own tears started to fall but he sniffled and steeled himself.
“Oh no!” Spike said to himself, as he watched Buffy’s retreating back. “It doesn’t get to bloody well end this way.”
Jogging after her, he caught up with the fleeing girl just before she managed to re-enter the hospital, and grabbed at her arm. Yanking her to his chest, he held her firm and tight in his grip.
“What the hell are you doing?” she gasped, shock and anger evident on her face.
“I’m ending my reign as your bloody whipping boy, Summers,” he told her forcefully. “I’m a strong man. I am. But there’s only so much even a bloke like me can take. And this is where it ends. I know you’re in pain what with your Mum and all that. I tried to give you what you wanted, love. Thought a bit of cold comfort might help you out. But I’m a man…a human being…and not some plastic dildo you can use and abuse and walk away from like I mean nothing to you. You can’t toss me in the trash, Summers. I won’t let you. Do you understand that?”
“I didn’t ask for anything from you,” she denied wrapping her arms around her chest.
“You never need to ask because I’m always there to give!”
“So what? I’m supposed to be grateful? Is that why you’re doing this? You think I’m gonna be all thank-y and fall into your arms because you fucked me?”
“I didn’t fuck you, Summers. I made love to you. I know it didn’t mean to you what it did to me but…”
“Oh my God! Do you really expect me to believe that pile of steaming crap? You fucked women for a living, Spike. You can’t feel anything real. I get that now. If you had any feelings you wouldn’t be here. You’d leave like they all do so I could just get used to being alone again! Instead you have to drag it out so…so I forget the pain. And then you’ll be gone like all of the others and I’ll have to feel it only it’ll be worse then. That’s the way this tune plays out, Spike.”
“You’ve really gone off your bird!” Spike exclaimed in disbelief. He was pretty sure that a psychiatrist could write the War and Peace of crazy about this girl right now. For the first time he truly wondered if she was actually beyond help. “Do you see me leaving? Do you?”
“Not yet,” Buffy muttered. “But they all do in the end. Even my Mom is leaving.”
“She’s not leaving, pet. She’ll be okay.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I don’t know that the world won’t implode in the next sixty seconds either, or that the sun won’t fall out of the bloody sky. But it’s called having faith.”
“I don’t think I have any faith left,” she admitted sadly, tears brushing her lower lids and she chewed on a lip, biting down hard enough to draw blood.
“Then let me have enough for both of us.” Seeing her softening, he begged her again, forgetting his vow to no longer act as her whipping boy. He knew he was only kidding himself when he denied being her willing slave. “Let me help you, Buffy. If you just put that little bit of trust in me I’ll prove I deserve it. Please?”
His expression was so open and guileless…so reassuring that Buffy finally let her guard down. Melting into his open arms, she laid her head against his chest, feeling the beating of his heart underneath his solid breast. Spike’s arms tentatively closed around her skinny back but soon he was holding her more tightly, satisfied she wouldn’t run away again.
He didn’t want to let himself hope…but he couldn’t help it. After what they’d shared Buffy should have been running away…she almost did. And yet…when she’d allowed herself to trust him only moments earlier he’d felt something shift between them. For the first time she was letting herself feel and she was doing it while her body was curled around him.
As Buffy clung tightly to the man who she knew loved her, a sharp pain coursed through her chest. She knew what it was…fear. Fear that she’d made the wrong choice in having sex with Spike, fear that she was making the wrong choice in letting him get closer.
She was still so scared to let him fully into her heart because she was afraid that it she did her life it would just end badly. Either way she would end up hurt, so wasn’t it easier to keep him at a safe distance and save them both from an even deeper pain that would surely come in the end?
But when he held her like this, her thoughts calmed too much to push him away again. She didn’t have the strength to let him go.
And she wasn’t sure that she wanted to.
[Reviews - 105]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 1649 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm sorry it's been so long since my last update but hopefully I can post regularly again now. This chapyer contains sexual situations.