"I love you.”
“No, you don’t, but thanks for saying it"
He had been right about her, as always; she hadn't meant it. She didn't love him. It was true; the past year had given her time to know him. Actually know him, rather than make presumptions about him based on what she thought he should be. Know him as a person, who he was as a man, as opposed to what she thought he should be, because of his nature.
What’s more, the last few days had allowed her to like him. She hadn't spoken any of her thoughts out loud, scared of what it would mean if she did, but as he had held her tight, she dreamed of a world where, someday, a future for them was possible. She had blushed when had looked at her with such awe and love in his eyes, she had gotten nervous butterflies in her stomach every time his skin had touched hers, and when she actually allowed herself the time to pause and consider what he had done for her, the sacrifices he had made in order to become a better man for her, it left her so awestruck that she was unable to breathe. She would feel her heart; lodged tightly in her throat, beating so hard that it made her feel ill, and she knew it was because of him. Because his soul had, when she allowed it to, meant the world to her.
That last night, she had even trusted him. As she descended the stairs to be met by a pair of shining blue eyes, so filled with love, she had gone over to him and told him with her body, what she could not with words. She had allowed him to make love to her, the way he had always wanted to. And, if she was honest with herself, she had made love to him in return. As she felt his weight on top of her, their bodies moving in a rhythm that they had perfected, she had known him, liked him, and trusted him, all at once, until she climaxed with his name on her lips. But she hadn't loved him.
Why she had told him that she did, she wasn't sure. Perhaps, granting the last wish of a dying man; the unfinished business to help a ghost move into the light. She was giving him the only thing she could think of to thank him for his sacrifice; for all of his sacrifices.
But, she hadn't meant it. And he had known that. And instead of believing her words like a naive fool, instead of taking what she had said the way loves bitch should have, he had instead chosen to recognise her words for what they were; a gift of thanks used to repay a debt. No, she hadn't meant it. As the earth shook, breaking apart not only the ground below them, but too their hands, she had looked into his eyes one last time, and ran. As the ground continued to shake, and break beneath her feet, as she continued to run, and even as she jumped from one building to the next before finally finding refuge on a big yellow bus, she hadn't meant it.
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the stars
And make it to the dawn?
When she and her party of survivors had pulled off the road and into some dark and dingy motel room, booking rooms simply so they could rest the night, she hadn't meant it. Her and Dawn had agreed to share a room, while the others filled up whatever bed space they could find in other room. Buffy had showered, letting the days battle was from her skin, feeling the months of tension drain out of her. When she had crawled into the double bed, covered in a faded maroon coloured spread, and held her sisters shaking form as she sobbed for those that were lost, she hadn't meant it.
She spent the hours before Dawn finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion reassuring her that, while she had never patched up her relationship with her 'big brother', he had someone known anyway that she hadn't hated him. That he had known she loved him. And Buffy had believed the words she used to reassure her sister; Dawn had loved him, and Spike did know that.
But when Dawn asked, in barely a whisper of a voice, "Buffy... did you love him?" she couldn't lie; "we were close... these last few weeks... we might have... if there was more time we might have... ... I cared about him... he was in my heart... no... no I didn't love him." Dawn didn't seem to hate her for her honesty; she merely nodded her head where it lay against Buffy's chest and let sleep claim her.
For as exhausted as she was, however, for the toll that the battle had taken on her body, her mind, and her heart, Buffy couldn't sleep. She spent the night thinking about him, about Spike. She thought of his life, his death, their history together, the journey he had taken from monster to man, all in the name of love. She had let tears fall from her eyes to rest unseen on Dawn's sleeping head, and as the sun rose, she smiled at the memory of him, smiled at the thought of the new life her had given them because of his death. She smiled because of him, but she hadn't loved him.
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.
It had taken them all a few months to get into the rhythm of their new lives. Dawn was now at college, Buffy was keeping a small apartment in the city. Willow, Giles and Xander were working together to build an army of slayers; finding them, training them, teaching them. They had all agreed that, if the girls who were given power didn't want it, they wouldn't be forced to use it. Each slayer in Giles' new 'school' was there by choice. Buffy had sworn that never again would the duty of being the slayer be forced upon a girl who didn't want it. Those who did want it, however, were nurtured and were flourishing well in their new environment.
It had taken a few months, but Buffy was beginning to think of Rome as their new home. It's cemeteries were quickly becoming familiar to her and, although she didn't have to patrol, she still chose to. Seems Spike had been right about her, after-all, the darkness did call to her, and she couldn't stop being the slayer. In fact, this new life she was graced with had taught her that she didn't want to stop being the slayer. The slayer side was apart of her just as much as the Buffy side was and now, she embraced it for the gift it was. And she knew she had Spike to thank for that. She had become the person who she was always meant to be, and it was because of him.
She still thought of him every day. she saw his sacrifice in every aspect of their new lives. And each time she thought of him, she smiled at his memory. When people asked if she thought about him, she was honest. "Every day." and, surprisingly, they didn't judge her for it.
Dawn, Willow and even Xander and Giles, would hear her reply and just nod their acceptance, a sad smile gracing their lips for what she had lost. Their easy acceptance of her grief over losing Spike made her question their past; had she been honest with her friends, would they have eventually accepted their relationship? Could she have had a relationship with Spike... if things had been different?
She asked herself all these questions, each one tinged with the feeling of regret that she had possibly thrown something amazing away, but, when asked if she had loved him, she was honest; "No... maybe I could have if... No... I didn't love him."
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
When she met The Immortal, she had thought of Spike; thought about what his opinion of her might be, had he been around to know about her new relationship. She had felt guilty at first, wondering if he would hate her. She had taken the opportunity at a normal life that he had given her, and thrown it back in his face by dating someone of the supernatural variety. Several times she had considered ending the budding relationship out of fear that she was somehow doing Spike wrong. She had even gone as far as to ask Dawn her opinion.
"Buffy... if it was anyone that told you that you would never be normal, it was Spike. He understood the Slayer side of you better than even you did. How can a slayer be with a normal guy? It didn't work out with Riley because he wasn't what you needed. I think if anything, Spike would be pleased that you learnt from the mistakes of your relationship with him and, and are doing things properly this time. I mean, you are with someone you want to be with, you are open and honest about how you feel about him, and you aren't letting his supernatural status get in the way; you're seeing the person he is rather than the monster he could be. That's all Spike ever wanted you to do. I think he would be happy that you've finally learnt to accept what you want and go for it."
And with that advice, Buffy had gone for it.
She had taken Dawn's words and considered the fact that Spike might be happy that she had finally learnt to admit what she wanted and to go for it without fear of judgement from others.
She had told The Immortal about him, eventually. New relationships, after-all, depended on honesty. When she had mentioned his name, The Immortal smiled at her in return.
"Ah yes, William, he never chose the easy road when it came to love." Buffy had of course asked him what he had meant. "Well Drusilla, as you could imagine, would not have been an easy woman to love; but he had. Faithfully, for over one hundred years. Considering your...differences... I can't imagine loving you was easy for him, either."
Buffy had pondered on that for many nights thereafter. It was true; it had not been easy for Spike to love her. Not only did he go against his nature in order to achieve the love that he had felt, but he had also gone up against Buffy; her feelings, her inabilities, her predispositions, her hatred and her anger. But, he had loved her regardless.
The Immortal's words had made her think long and hard about what she had with Spike. What their relationship had really been and, for the first time, she was able to see his sacrifices through someone else's eyes. These new thoughts made her eyes well in tears for the beautiful, loving man that she had lost. The Immortal even told her a few tales about him, about who William was and the things he had done in his past. The stories made her smile and, after her new love had fallen asleep beside her, she would wipe her eyes and fall asleep with a regretful smile on her lips.
But, when he had asked her if she loved him, she had to be honest. "No... I ... I think about him every day... I know what he gave up and what he became for me... he was in my heart... if... no... no I didn't love him."
The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
She had found out he was back, of course. Why he thought Andrew could ever keep a secret like that from her was beyond her imagining. He had to have known that she knew. And that thought and made her stomach turn in anger, and her throat close over with the swell of emotion caused by the knowledge that he hadn't come straight to her. She had been angry, for weeks. She had contemplated calling him and telling him so. But every time she picked up the phone, the feeling of anger she felt towards him made her put it back down again. If he didn't want to come to her, fine, she wouldn't go rushing to him, either. She had told Dawn he was back, of course, and Dawn had asked her what it meant. Now that he was back. If now... maybe... Buffy had replied in anger, saying that "This should prove to everyone that I wasn't in love with him, because I'm not going chasing after him now." Dawn had simply nodded her understanding and had made her decision not to contact the vampire until Buffy had a clearer head in regards to him.
She had told The Immortal that he was back, too. Again, he had asked her if, now he was back, she had loved him. She had to be honest. "No... I... I mean... he didn't even want me to know he was back... I think that proves that... I mean... maybe... No... No I don't love him." and so, things returned to normal. When The Immortal had taken her dancing, she had felt his presence. The tingles that made the hairs on the back of neck stand up had started the moment Spike had entered the very happening night club. She had known right away that it wasn't just any normal vampire; she had known right away that it was him. And so, she danced. Her arms in the air, she swayed her hips to the music, telling herself that she wasn't putting a show on for him. Telling herself that it didn't bother her that he was there, watching. Telling herself that the tingles that made her stomach turn to knots and her heart start to race had nothing to do with the fact that it was Spike watching her. Telling herself that it was simply because of anger that she was reacting this way to his presence. And so, she danced. Danced until the tingles faded away, her heart returned to normal, and she knew that he was no longer near. When she got home that night, brushing off The Immortals advances of continuing their evening in a more romantic setting, she told herself that her bad mood wasn't due to the heart break she felt at knowing Spike was so close, but didn't come to her. She went to bed, knowing that this proved it; she hadn't meant it... she didn't love him.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
A few weeks later, when her relationship with The Immortal began to fizzle; their passion turning into annoyance, she told herself it had nothing to do with Spikes return, and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she was hurt because he hadn't contacted her. When she had finally ended things with The Immortal, sitting him down and gently telling him that "things just weren't working out between them." he had just smiled and said "Ah yes, true love never does come easy, does it?". She hadn't bothered to ask him what he meant.
That night, Buffy had told Dawn that she was going to L.A. At Dawn's knowing smirk, Buffy had gotten angry. "It doesn't mean anything Dawn. I just want some answers, and after all this time I think that is the least that I am entitled to." She had spent the evening packing her bags, shaking her head when Willow had called her and told her that something big was going down in L.A. "Of course" Buffy had thought, "it couldn't just be simple. She couldn't just go there, get her answers and come home. She had to go there and avert an appocolypse that had apparently been started by Angel."
Willow, Giles, Xander, and an army of slayers and witches had also packed that night, planning on going to L.A with Buffy and sorting out the situation that their seers had warned them about. When they had boarded their flight, most of them sleeping as the plane travelled through the night, Willow had leaned over and whispered to her, "so... what does this mean... I mean... are you guys going to get back together? Did you love him?" Buffy had to be honest. "I don't know what it means, Wills. I mean... he is in my heart... I missed him... I mourned for him... But he clearly didn't want me in his life or he would have come and seen me, or at least made a phone call to let me know he was alive... I mean... maybe he doesn't want me anymore. I don't even know if I want him... I mean... No... no... I didn't love him" Willow had nodded off to sleep and Buffy had been left alone with her thoughts.
When they got to L.A, or, more specifically, when they got to the darkened alleyway that was currently hell on earth, she had seen him. Green eyes met blue in a beautifully serene moment in amongst the chaos and, for a moment, Buffy felt like she was home again. Spike's whispered "slayer..." had filled her stomach with the same knots as the night in the bar, and her heart had began to speed up. The moment was short lived, however, as the battle around them raged on. For days they fought, under the cover of darkness thank to Willow's coven and one of their spells, until slowly the hoards of demons began to dissipate. Throughout the ordeal, they had fought side by side, the same rhythm that they had perfected. Every time he had shouted her name, "Buffy... Slayer...Buffy..." either in warning, or to alert her to a weapon he had just thrown her way, she couldn't help but think of what this could mean for them. She looked at his blue eyes every chance she got; studied his feautures in the rare moments of peace. No... no... she didn't love him... but.. .maybe...
Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.
It was days before the battle wound down. The only thing that had saved them was an intervention from the PTB. Whistler, in all his annoying glory, had shown up and, somehow, the majority of the demons had disappeared. He had told them that this wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. That damage had been caused and that the clean up would need to go a lot further than just the alley ways they had destroyed. The battle was over, but too late.
When the arrow, fired somewhere from above, had pierced his heart, her eyes had met his. A few moments felt like an eternity as her eyes widened and she had screamed his name... "Spike!". She had ran to him, trying to grab the hand that he held out to her, but too late. It disintegrated before she could reach it, the rest of his body following suit as her whispered name passed his dying lips... "Buffy." She screamed to whatever was listening that this couldn't be happening, but to no avail. His dust fell to the ground at the same time her knees gave way. The only thing that saved her life was the group of slayers that picked her up and hurriedly removed her from the battle ground. Her heart felt huge; like it was living in her throat, and the pounding was making her feel ill. Her eyes were wide, and dry, with every blink her body forced her to make causing her pain. He had been there... and now he was gone. When the battle was over, and Giles found her back at Angels old hotel in a near catatonic state, he had tried to comfort her. "I know you loved him Buffy... I'm sorry." she had responded... "No... No... I didn't love him... but I... maybe if... oh God." and she had broken down and sobbed until Giles had carried her exhausted to bed for the evening.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
She woke before the sun had risen the following day. His face had plagued her dreams until she couldn't stand it any longer and her eyes had snapped open. It was early, but it was already warm. She wrapped herself in the sheet that she had been sleeping under and moved out onto the balcony, staring up at the night sky. She stood, thinking about him. About all they had, and all that could have been. She thought about how angry she was that he hadn't called her. And, as she processed Giles words from the night before, telling her that Spike had kept himself from her thinking that he was doing what was best for her, she had again grown angry. The anger, however, was not aimed at him. It was aimed at herself. She thought of him, and thought of what she had lost now for a second time, and she was angry for all the wasted months. The wasted years. She thought of what they could have been, if only, and she wept. As the horizon cracked, and the warm sun rose to signal a new day, the tears that stained her cheeks dried. As she looked at the horizon, slowly painting the world with its light, she thought of him, and she wept. If someone asked her today, she would have to be honest with them; honest about all that she had lost, all that she had wasted, all the words that were never spoken, and all of the things that could have been, if...
Yes. Yes, she did love him today. She did love him now.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
Author's Chapter Notes:
This is a story about the long journey Buffy takes to falling in love with Spike. Set after Spike's death at the end of Chosen, through her relationship with The Immortal and so on..., it shows how Buffy looks back on their relationship and how she fell in love with him. Angsty, not a happy ending, and personally, I think it is full of crap as I believe Buffy loved Spike well before he died. This, however, deals more with what if she didn't really mean those three little words, but what if losing Spike finally let Buffy be honest with herself and fall in love with the man she lost.
html is appauling in this but i can't figure it out sorry! need a beta asap if anyone is interested!
html is appauling in this but i can't figure it out sorry! need a beta asap if anyone is interested!
Chapter End Notes:
First fic, so please be easy, but I hope to write more so any reviews, constructive or otherwise are much appreciated. I am also after a beta for my other WIP's so if anyone is interested PLEASE let me know :D