Set season 7- post Beneath You, so Buffy knows about Spike's soul.
Disclaimer- Joss Whedon owns everything FOR THE MOMENT. I'm currently discussing, him giving all the rights to Spike to moi. Joss I'll call you about it, we have to do lunch soon and I think you accidentally sent me some restraining papers, I knew it was a mistake so it's all good :D
I'm rubbish at writing basement Spike, so sorry about that. Just ignore the crapiness of that section...my fic doesn't get much better but still...
Oh and please review...pretty pretty please?
When the writing is in bold it means that it is the characters thoughts.
~*~
Lord knows I'm gonna make it.
To brighter days I'm on my way.
I dreamed before and saw the way that I
was misbehaving.
Now I'm standing face to face.
To my reflection I can't see it.
My vision's blinded by the pain
'Cause that's how I feel
My mirrors broken.
I've been cursed with seven years of bad
luck.
Will the sorrow ever change.
And now my souls in debt.
I must regret.
I die and live another lonely day.
Tell me how a man's supposed to change.
Blue
How's a man supposed to change?
~*~
Buffy stood in front of the basement door, contemplating whether she should go in.
All I have to do is go in, check up on him and get out. That's not hard, and shouldn't take too long
"OK, come on Buffy, you can do it, just open the door and go in" she told herself.
But in reality it was much harder for Buffy to go down into the basement to see Spike. She only found out the night before that he had a soul, and the reason he had it was her. After his revelation in the church she couldn't face him. She had too many emotions running through her and so Buffy did what she does best, she ran. She ran all the way back to her house and went straight to her bedroom, not stopping to answer Dawn's questions about what happened, she locked her door and cried. She cried for herself, but most of all she cried for Spike, she cried for his soul and for all the suffering he was going through. She cried for all that had happened the year before, and how the both of them had treated each other. And eventually she fell into a dreamless sleep.
The next morning when she woke up she felt terrible. Her head was pounding and her eyes were red and puffy from all the crying she had done. But she knew what she had to do, she had to go and see Spike. She needed to know how he got his soul back, she knew why he had got it back, it was all for her so that he could be the man that she deserved. But in her heart she knew that it was her that didn't deserve him.
How could she? She had treated him so badly the year before, beaten him and then used him for sex. When he first left she had been angry with him for what he had tried to do to her. But she soon realised that what had happened was just as much her fault than it was his. From the amount of abuse she had given him when all he was trying to do was help, Buffy was surprised that he hadn't snapped before...there was only so much abuse a person could take. She had argued with herself that Spike wasn't a person, he was a vampire, a thing. But this 'thing' had shown more humanity than she had done the past year, she soon realised that he was just as human as any other person she knew.
So she decided that she would go and see him after school had finished, that way there would be fewer people around. She needed to know what had happened to him, she needed to show him that she had forgiven him for what happened in the bathroom, and most of all she had to tell him her feelings for him. She had to tell him that she loved him.
When he first had left she thought the reason for her anger was because he had tried to rape her. But she later realised that the real reason was because he had left her even when he promised that he wouldn't. She missed him, she tried not to but she couldn't help it. She pretended that she was happy that he had left, but inside her heart was breaking. Another man in her life had left, her dad, Angel, Parker, Riley, Giles and now finally Spike. They had all gone. She had told Spike that he was soulless and so he couldn't love, but if all these men had been driven away she wondered whether it was her who was unable to love.
She had then found Spike's duster, which was left behind by him in a hurry, at first she was going to burn it but she couldn't bring herself to do it. So she put it in her wardrobe and when she had trouble sleeping she would bring it out and wear it. Spike's scent still clung to it, the mixture of cigarette smoke, alcohol and sex, a scent that was unique to him. Wearing it would make her feel as if she was once again lying in his arms while he made her feel safe and protected. She would wake up and for a moment would forget everything that had happened and would think that Spike actually was sleeping next to her, but then reality came crashing in and she remembered that he had left her like all the rest.
But she wasn't going to make the same mistake again. Spike had come back into her life and this time she wasn't going to let him go. So she stayed after school pretending to do some work until hardly anyone else was at school. She went to the basement door and had been standing in the same position for the last five minutes trying to work up the courage to open the door. So after a few deep breaths and several more minutes she finally placed her hand on the handle and quickly turned it before she lost her nerve again.
As Buffy walked in her eyes had to accustom to the darkness that surrounded her. She tried to remember where she had seen Spike the first time, but she had no idea where that was. But then she heard a soft whimper that seemed close by.
"Spike?" She called, but she received no answer, so she called again this time a little louder "Spike, you here?" Everything went silent and then she heard him.
"I'm a bad man, I'm a bad man. I 'urt the girl, should be punished."
She followed his voice and found him huddled in a corner with his arms around his knees while rocking back and forth. She could see the same blue shirt that he had worn the night before, but now it was dirty and ripped in places. He looked so vulnerable sitting there, so small and frightened.
She crouched in front of him and gently took his hands in her smaller ones but as soon as she did that Spike snatched his hands away as if he had been burned. He looked up at her, his eyes full of fear.
"No, no, no, I 'urt her I should be punished, it said so, it was right"
Buffy frowned "Who did you hurt Spike? And who's 'It'?"
"She's the light, she burns us of the dark. She deserves better, she deserves the spark" He whispered.
Buffy finally understood. He was talking about her; she was the girl he had hurt. She looked at him as he began to mumble to himself, he had done all this for her. He was going through hell because of what had almost happened, something that was just as much her fault as it was his.
oh Spike She thought sadly don't blame yourself. I want to help you, please let me help you she prayed quietly.
But he still hadn't answered her question about who or what 'it' was, so she cupped his cheek, forcing him to look up at her, an action that caused Spike to flinch. "Spike, who is 'it'?" She asked softly.
Spike was trembling slightly "It's everything. It's the truth, sometimes it's her, sometimes it's others..."
"You're so not helping at the moment!" Buffy growled. She tried to be patient, but it was getting her no where.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Spike whispered over and over again, tears in eyes "my fault all my fault, she's mad, all my fault." And with that he hid his face in his arms, hiding from Buffy.
"No Spike I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you" But he didn't answer her, just kept whispering apologies. "Spike, please tell me who is 'it'?" She asked, closing her eyes in frustration.
Spike looked up at her pleading tone. He gave her a ghost of a head tilt "From beneath you it devours" and again he went silent.
Buffy's eyes snapped open. She looked at Spike curiously, "Spike why did you say that" She asked as if she was talking to a child. But Spike didn't answer her; instead her started to mutter nonsense once again.
Buffy sighed and stood up. She couldn't talk to him like this. He was in no state to tell about what had happened to him, and she definitely couldn't tell him her feelings while he was in that state.
She started to walk away when she heard Spike shouting. She whipped around to see him arguing with what seemed an imaginary person. She couldn't leave him alone in there the basement was making him crazy. When he was away from there he was normal, well as normal as possible for Spike. She had no choice but to take him back to her house. She knew that Xander and Dawn would think that she was crazy, but she didn't care.
Anyway She reasoned with herself They don't know that Spike has a soul, they can't be mad at him when they find out.
But she doubted it, Xander probably wouldn't care, he hated Spike, especially after he and Anya slept together at the Magic Box. Even just thinking about that night caused a pain in her heart. But again she couldn't blame Spike for that pain. She was the one who had broken up with him in the first place because of her insecurities and then it was her that told him to move on. And that's all he was doing, moving on.
She sighed and walked back to Spike. "Come on Spike get up, I'm getting you outta here"
Spike looked up at her the fear back in his eyes "NO!" he shouted "I can't leave, it won't let me, I belong here. I can't go, I'll 'urt her again" Spike was now sobbing, his whole body shaking.
In a second Buffy was by his side and had him in a hug. Every sob shook his body, making Buffy's body tremble in time with his. They sat like that until Buffy felt his crying stop. She pulled back and looked into his watery eyes.
"Let's get home William" She whispered. He nodded silently and allowed Buffy to lead him away.
~*~
Luckily for Buffy the hallway was practically empty, and as she had spent such a long time down in the basement that it was now dark enough for Spike to go outside safely.
He was silent for most of the journey, but occasionally he would mutter something under his breath. She would glance sideways at him for a moment trying to think of something to say, but she didn't think "so the weather's been pretty good lately" would be a very good topic of conversation, it wasn't like he got a chance to enjoy that weather she thought to herself.
She was glad when they finally reached her house, the silence between them was awkward and she couldn't help remember the time she spent with the old Spike. There never was any silence between them, then it was always filled with arguments, quips and a whole load of sexual innuendos from him.
She opened the front door and gestured for him to go inside. He looked doubtful about going in and looked up at her.
Buffy understood why he was so reproachful "Dawn's at a friend's house for the night" She told him softly.
He nodded at her and walked in, Buffy following him in. They walked into the living room and Spike looked around as if he was lost.
Buffy smiled, he was so sweet when he was shy. The old Spike would have walked in and just sat down, not caring what anyone thought of him.
"You can sit down. Do you want anything to drink?"
He took a seat and then grinned up at her in a way that made it hard for her to breathe.
"I'll have some hot chocolate, if you have any, pet" Some of the old Spike was coming through now in the way he talked and acted.
He opened his mouth again but Buffy beat him to it "Yes, we do have some of those little marshmallows you like so much."
"You know me so well Slayer" he grinned again and Buffy could feel her heart rate speed up. Spike cocked his head to a side and gave her a questioning look.
Oh my God! He can hear my heartbeat go faster, he probably thinks there's something wrong with me She panicked as she felt a blush rise to her cheeks.
She gave a nervous laugh "I'll go and make you some hot chocolate" and ran off before she made a bigger fool of herself, leaving Spike staring at the space she used to occupy with a confused expression.
She leaned against the island in the kitchen for a minute trying to slow down her heartbeat back to a normal rate.
I'm so pathetic! All he has to do is look at me and my heart goes all racy! OK just breathe and sort yourself out!
She stood there for a few minutes until she suddenly realised that Spike had wanted some hot chocolate.
Five minutes later she had calmed down and was carrying two mugs of hot chocolate into the living room. He grinned as she gave him his mug and Buffy tried to will her heart rate to stay normal.
Spike picked up on Buffys strange behaviour, but he thought she was so nervous around him because she was still afraid of him. Can you blame the girl you wanker? After what you did last year, is it any surprise? Spike asked himself.
He sighed and turned to Buffy "maybe this wasn't such a good idea, luv. I think I should just go."
"NO!" Buffy exclaimed loudly causing Spike to give her another questioning look. She blushed slightly at her outburst but continued, "no Spike, you're not going anywhere. Look how crazy that basement made you, you're almost normal now that you're away from it, you're so not gonna go back" She told him giving her resolve face, one that even Willow would be proud of.
Spike couldn't argue with her because she was right. He felt much better since he had left the school basement. There was something down there that was messing with his head. He nodded at Buffy to show that he wouldn't leave.
She beamed at him causing his undead heart to constrict. This is gonna be 'ard when she's looking at me like that. It would be so much easier if she looked at me with the hate that I know I deserve.
They fell into the awkward silence again as they sat there. Until Buffy was finally able worked up the courage to talk to him.
She turned around so that she was facing him again and looked directly at him.
"Spike where did you go after you left Sunnydale, and how did you get a soul?" She asked going straight to the point.
Spike was silent for a moment. He was expecting Buffy to ask him, but that didn't help him prepare an answer. He looked down at his cup, so that he wouldn't have to look at her face. But she put her fingers at his chin and gently lifted his face up so that he looked directly into her eyes.
"Spike please can you tell me?" She asked again.
He couldn't say no to her when she pleaded with him, so he took a deep breath and started his story.
"After what happened, after w-what I-I almost did to I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't believe what I did, I felt physically sick. I couldn't stay here and face you after that, I was too ashamed to stay. Anyway I knew if I did stay I would probably find myself able to fit into an ashtray, even though I would have deserved it. So I left anyway and went on my merry way to Africa."
Buffy gaped at him "Why Africa?"
Spike shot her a slightly annoyed look. "If you didn't interrupt me, I'll tell you" Buffy muttered she was sorry and he went on with his story.
"Anyway I went off to Africa. After what happened here I was sure that you and the chip caused all my problems. I'd heard of a demon in Africa who would be able to grant any wish if I completed some trial."
"You wanted the chip out" Buffy said quietly.
"Got it in one, pet. So I went into some caves and told the demon what I wanted. So after he pissed me off a bit, the trials started. The first one was a fight to the death. I thought it was easy until fire started to come out of the buggers hand. But I was able to kill him eventually, but not without getting some third degree burns from it. Well I thought that was it, but that was only the first task. The second one though was a killer. It felt like millions of bugs were everywhere on me. They were all over my skin and under my skin. They were crawling all inside, I could feel them everywhere...they were biting and stinging. It felt as if my inside were being eaten" He murmured as he recalled the memory. Buffy shuddered and placed her hand on his, encouraging him to carry on.
"I think I must 'ave blacked out from the pain, cause the next thing I remember was that I was on the floor of the cavern and the bugs were gone. It still felt as if my insides were being ripped apart though. Lurky, that's the demon before you ask, told me that I had completed the trials and asked what I wanted. I told him I wanted my chip gone so that I could give you what you deserved. But I think Lurky must have looked through all my bullshit about the chip cause that's all it was, a load of crap. What I really wanted was to be someone you deserved, someone you would be able to love without feeling ashamed with yourself, without having to feel dirty. So I my soul was restored and I've been in a 'ell of a lot of pain ever since."
He stopped talking and thought for a minute. "You know what, I gave my poof of a grandsire a lot of grief about his soul, but I have to respect him for carrying his soul for soul long. I remember the first few weeks were the worst. I felt terrible, all the deaths I was responsible for in the last century all gave back with vengeance. I could hear every scream from my victims, all the pain I caused each one. All the families I left grieving, I caused so much pain" A sob shook his body as he broke down into tears. Buffy moved towards him and held him, her own tears falling rapidly.
They sat like that for what seemed like an eternity, until Spike finally pulled away after regaining some control. "You must think I'm a right poof." He told her with a small laugh. "I did all that for something I don't deserve, 'cause I don't deserve your love, I don't deserve anything from you not even your contempt."
Buffy shook her head. "No Spike, I don't think I deserve your love."
He was about to protest but she held her finger against his lips.
"No, let me talk. I treated you so badly last year, I took advantage for your love for me and I hurt you. I knew you loved me, that's why I went to you, because you wouldn't say no. It didn't matter how badly I treated you, you still let me come back. I beat you, insulted you but you didn't care instead you took me back. But at the end I pushed you too far. I can't blame you for what happened last year Spike, because it was just as much my fault as it was yours."
Spike stared at her in shock. He had pictured what she would say to help time and time again, but this he didn't expect.
Buffy giggled, "I finally shocked you so much that you're actually speechless! Yay me!
That finally broke Spike out of his trance. "Why the 'ell are you so good to me, luv?" he asked.
Buffy smiled and took a deep breath "that's easy, it's because I love you."
Spike's eyes widened and his mouth opened and closed several times. Finally he was able to recover the ability to speak, "w-what did you say?"
"I love you William. I lied when I told you before that I couldn't love you, I was fucking in love with you when I said that! I just was too scared to admit it to anyone. I was scared that I would have to go through the same thing with you that I had to do with Angel."
"I'm nothing like my grandsire!" he growled.
Buffy raised an eyebrow, "OK we both have souls, but apart from that I'm noting like him. He broods, I don't!"
"I don't know, you doing a pretty good job of brooding earlier on, I think you could give Angel a run for his money."
Spike looked at her, his eyes wide as realisation hit. "Oh God, I'm turning into Angel!"
Buffy started to laugh at the look of pure horror on his face. "No Spike you were right, you're nothing like him. He wouldn't be able to do what you did. You helped me for the past couple of years in fighting demons."
"But that's only because of my chip" he interrupted.
But Buffy just shook her head. "No that's not the reason. Once you got the chip you could of left, you didn't have to stay in Sunnydale. Do you think that if the Initiative had put a chip in Angelus' head he would have stuck around? Probably not, knowing him he would have found another way of causing mayhem and pain. And do you think for a second that Angelus would go through trials that would almost kill him just to get a soul for me, hell there's no way Angelus would ever fall in love with me. Angel loved me Angelus hated me with all his undead heart."
"OK, you just made me feel a lot better love. Thanks for that. Now can we get back to the fact that you love me?"
Buffy grinned "You're having a very hard time believing it aren't you?"
Spike nodded "I thought that would be the case. Here, let me just give you a demonstration."
The next second Buffy was straddling his hips, her arms snaked around his neck and then her mouth was on his. This kiss was different to all the other kisses that they had shared before. Before it was brutal and hard. It used to be about who had more power over the other. But this on the other hand was soft and gentle but at the same time just as, if not more passionate than all the other kisses. Her tongue swept through his mouth searching and tasting, just remembering every part of it. Her fingers played with the short hair on the back his head as his combed through her golden hair. She moaned into his mouth as the kiss deepened. Finally they broke it off only because she needed to breathe.
"Wow, that was wow" Buffy said between breaths.
Spike chuckled "It sure was, pet"
Buffy leaned back in for another kiss, but Spike stopped her. She looked at him confusion written all over her face. "What's wrong?"
"Buffy I love you, but if we're gonna do this I want to do it properly. I don't want to have to hide from your mates...I-I don't think I would be able to take it if it was like that." He knew he was asking a lot from her, but he also knew that he wouldn't be able to play her games this time around.
Buffy smiled and cupped his face, bringing it up so she looked into his eyes. As she looked into them she knew that his eyes were the windows to his soul. She could see all the emotions he was feeling in the. The vulnerability of his position, the fear of losing her and the love he felt for her.
"Spike, I love you too much to hurt you like that. I want everyone to know about us, and if they can't handle us together well...that's their problem. I deserve to happy, no we both deserve to be happy. If I wasn't scared about what they would think about us last year then maybe all this angst wouldn't of happened and we wouldn't have to go through all this pain to get to happiness. This is a new start for both of us."
A goofy grin broke on Spike face as he heard her words and he leaned in to kiss her. The kiss was deeper than the last one had been as their tongues battled with each other.
Buffy's hands went under his shirt and caressed his stomach. God I missed his abs were the last coherent thoughts that went through her mind as Spike's hands wondered over her body leaving a trail of fire.
They could only see each other at that moment in time. It was as if they were the only to people on the earth, nothing was as important they were. That's why they failed to hear the door open.
"Hey Buff" Xanders voice called "How about a night of Bronzing just like the old days. Well Will's not gonna be back till next-what the hell is going on here?"
Buffy and Spike broke apart from their embrace to see a very white Xander staring at the scene in front of him.
"Shit, this is so not how I wanted him to find out!" Buffy mumbled burying her face into Spikes chest.
"OK can someone please explain what the fuck you're doing? Buffy why the hell are you letting Deadboy touch you after what he tried to do to you?"
Both Buffy and Spike stayed silent, trying to figure out they could explain everything in a way that Xander won't want to stake Spike.
After a moment a thought suddenly struck Xander, "You" he said pointing at Spike "you forced her to do this! I'll kill you!"
Spike snorted "Yeah mate, she really looks like I'm forcing 'er doesn't she. Wake up boy."
"Well it's a spell, you put her under a thrall. Buffy would never let a dirty thing like you touch her after what you tried to do!"
Buffy decided that this would be a good time to get her face out of Spike chest and sighed. She twisted around so that she was no longer straddling Spike but she still remained in his laps.
"No Xander this isn't a thrall or a spell. And I'm not being forced into anything. This is all my choice."
Xander looked at her incredulously. "Why the fuck are you making out with him instead of staking his undead ass? You can't of forgotten what he tried to do to you? He tried to rape you!"
"No Xander I haven't" she said calmly. "But you don't know what happened between us last year, what he tried to do to me was nowhere as bad as what I put him through the whole year. I hurt him, physically and emotionally."
"So?! He's a soulless monster, who cares what you did to him? Whatever happened he deserved it. He hasn't got a soul. Remember what happened when you were shacked up with the last demon. Innocent people were killed, what if Spike's chip stops working, he hasn't got a soul to stop him killing."
Spike couldn't help it, he laughed outright to Xanders face. "You have no idea, do you whelp"
"Spike has a soul Xander. That's where he was in the summer."
He was quiet for a second the started another tirade "Oh so you were cursed with a soul! What happened to you? Killed someone and got cursed? What happens when you get a happy, we get soulless evil Spike again who'll probably try to rape you again!"
Buffys head was starting to hurt, this was like talking to a child. "He wasn't cursed, he earned the soul for me. So there is not happiness clause. And even if there was Spike would not try to rape me."
"Y-You earned a soul for Buffy" He whispered. He stood there speechless, but quickly recovered. "So what? A soul doesn't matter. It doesn't get rid of all the people he killed. How can you live with yourself Buffy, you with someone who killed hundreds maybe even thousands! Even if he did get a soul that doesn't get rid of the fact he tried to rape you!"
"Oh get over it you wanker! Look at you demon bird, or should I say your ex girl. She was killing men thousands of years before I was even born, but she becomes a human and you all forget that she was a killer!"
He had no come back for that, he knew that Anya killed a lot more than Spike.
"Yeah but she didn't try to hurt the ones she loved"
"Yes he tried to rape me, but he had no soul then. I had a soul and I treated him like shit. He's changed he has a soul now, you can't hold him responsible for what he did then. That's like still blaming Jenny's death on Angel even though he was Angelus."
"Who said I've forgiven Angel for that? You all may have forgotten that, but I haven't." Xander told her coldly.
Buffy looked at him in disbelief. "Even Giles doesn't blame Angel for that, get over it!"
"Sorry but I can't do that. I can't believe that you can even stand to touch that thing even if he has a soul. I'm sickened even thinking about him touching you!"
"I really don't give a shit what you think. Yeah I would love it if you would at least pretend to support my relationship with Spike but I don't care. I love him and I'm not going to have my life ruined by what you think is right or wrong. This is my life not yours and I'm gonna live it how I want. I could have been a hell of a lot happier last year if I wasn't so scared about you reaction. I let you ruin my love life but now I'm gonna listen to my heart. If you can't accept that then I've got nothing else to talk to you about."
Xander looked as if he was about to say something but thought better of it, instead he stormed out of the house without saying a word.
As soon as he left all of Buffys energy left her and she leaned back on Spike. Spike protectively put his arms around her waist and hugged her in response.
"I'm proud of you pet, I know it's hard for you to stand up to him, he's your best friend."
"Yeah it was but it's worth it if I get you. But why does he have to be so stubborn, doesn't he realise that for once in how long I'm actually happy?"
"The boy sees what he wants to see. Plus I think 'arris still is in love with you."
Buffy snorted, "he was in love with Cordelia and then hopelessly on love with Anya, I don't think he still has a crush on me."
"What you don't realise Buffy is that once someone falls in love with you it's bloody well 'ard to stop lovin' you, trust me I should know. He may 'ave loved the Cheerleader and the demon but that doesn't mean he fell out of love with you. Like you love me but you still are in love with Peaches."
"Yeah, I guess...but I love you more" She grinned.
"That's just expected, it's hard not to love me." He chuckled as Buffy gave him a playful shove.
"OK if he is still a little in love with me, why does it bother him that I'm with you? When I was with Riley he didn't care, in fact he was the one who tried to convince me not to end it with him."
"That's because capt'n Cardboard was human. He can handle you with a human boy, but he can't take it when you're with a vampire, something that is supposed to be below you. He doesn't understand how you can fall in love with something that you're supposed to kill, instead of falling in love with someone who is a human. His pride is wounded 'cause you'd rather be with a demon that him."
"I guess that makes sense, but he still didn't have to act like a complete ass! I hope the rest of the gang is more supportive than he is. I don't care what they think of us, but I don't think I could take it if they all hate me."
"I'm sure they'll be fine Slayer, the rest of them aren't idiots like 'arris is. Well actually I think lil' sis still wants to kill me so um...I'm a little worried there."
Buffy laughed and Spike smiled at that. He rarely heard a laugh from Buffy that was directed at him; they were all usually for her friends.
"I doubt Dawny meant it baby. I think she was just a little hurt but I know she missed you and I think she should be fine about us. God, I hope she is anyway.
"I'm sure she will be. But anyway where were we before that wanker interrupted us?" Spike grinned as he grabbed Buffy and spun her around causing her to squeal.
She then grinned as she crashed her lips to his again and since a very long time, both of them felt as if they were finally home.
The End
