Disclaimer: This story is a work of fan-fiction. All used characters don’t belong to me and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this story is the pure pleasure of the reader.

Distribution and Feeback: Want? Take and have, just let me know where it goes. And feedback? Always greatly appreciated ;)

Author’s notes: It’s just a small ficlet, I wrote in about 15 minutes or so. It’s in Buffy’s POV set at the off-screen end of ‘The Killer in me’ still inside the Initiative.


It may be wrong, but it’s the right thing to do

by Belladonna


They told me that he is going to die; and that very soon.

I can’t lose him. Not now, not after he’s done so much, after he’s changed that much, for me. He definitely is no longer the vampire he once was when he first came into town. He looks so vulnerable right now, laying there on that table. He’s so pale under that harsh neon light and whether I want to feel it or not, my heart is breaking for him.

I cannot deny any longer what he feels for me, that he does have feelings and that he loves me with all his heart and soul. He would sacrifice himself for me.

And now he will die, not because of a choice he will make, but because of one that has been made for him. It was wrong to put that chip into his head, to let him suffer because they thought to do the right thing. He will die if I don’t decide now.

I can’t help it but to ask whether it’s right for me to make that decision, to decide over his life like that but on the surface it’s not that different from any other staking I’ve done before. Underneath that surface however I don’t want to be left with that decision.

I care about him, maybe more than I should and more than I am ready to admit. I have feelings for him, too, and my heart doesn’t ask me if I want to have them or not. Feelings like these just happen. And I am not quite ready for him to not be around, to not be here with me.

But will he start killing again once the chip is out? Will he still be the same man he is now, will he still feel the same for me? Will he still be the man that I can trust with my life? Does the chip really make that much of a difference? Is it only that little piece of plastic that makes him act the way he does?

For the others it is, the chip is all that matters to them, not what he has done for us, what he has endured and how he has proven himself over and over again.

But does it to me? Can said piece of plastic really be responsible for the changes in him and nothing else be the reason for that change? Can I still hide behind that excuse like the others do and believe it?

I don’t know. All I do know is that I have to trust my instinct. No matter how confused I might be at the moment.

He was a ruthless killer, killed them for their blood and caused them and their families to suffer unimaginable pains.
Is it right to let him suffer like that now? To let him just fade away under all the pain he’s feeling now because of the chip?

They told me it was my decision, my responsibility and mine alone. I have to decide about his life and maybe about those of numerous others.

What if I am wrong and have made a mistake in trusting him, opening myself to him that much? What if he was just playing us and will return to what he was once he’s free of the chip?

I don’t have the answers to that. I can’t see into the future, I cannot know what will happen. Maybe he will kill again one day, maybe he’ll even kill me, it is his nature after all and mine.

It had been wrong of them to implant that chip inside Spike’s head. And maybe it is wrong to decide to allow them removing the chip from Spike now, but for me it is the right thing to do.

~fin~





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