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She should be happy.
She has everything she ever wanted. A family. Kids. A nice, normal human husband. She should be happy finally.
Why is she so sad then?
She still remembers the day it happened. The day her life changed forever. For good or bad, she still isn't sure.
It had been three years after the destruction of Sunnydale. Three years since she had given up hope that she would ever be happy again. Three years since Spike died to save the world.
Angel finally got what he so desperately wanted. Forgiveness. Atonement. Life. At last he was rewarded for all the good, unselfish deeds he did to make up for all the pain, death, and destruction he had caused for over two hundred years.
He shanshued and became the man that she dreamed of a thousand times or more. Light shown through the darkness. Hope was restored anew, and there was a chance for that the life she deserved.
She should be happy.
But she isn’t.
She is haunted. By life. By love. By her choices. By everything she has lost. Because she knows she once had the power to change it all. To set so many wrongs right. Wrongs that have been buried by realistic issues of life, death, aging, and white picket fences.
Even now, as her two children laugh and carry on in the front yard of her two-story suburban house, complete with green grass that any neighbor would be envious of, she frowns.
She frowns because she should be happy.
She frowns because she isn’t.
And every once and a while, she remembers. Her steps slow, her hums become quieter, and she remembers. And she knows that he knows she thinks about him. He doesn’t say anything, but she can see the sad look masked by the forced smile that never really reaches his eyes. She knows he knows she regrets her choice everyday of her life. She knows he knows that she choose him for what he could give her, not how much she wanted him. She knows he knows she thinks about the only other man she loved.
The man that isn’t her husband. The man who really isn’t a man at all.
He didn’t show up to her wedding even though she was sure he received the invitation. But then again, why would he? She didn’t choose him. She didn’t choose him even though she wanted to. She went with the safe path. The normal path.
And now she should be happy.
But she isn’t.
Because she still mourns for a love lost to circumstance and defeated dreams. And she cries. Her aging heart bleeds for the passion she once felt being with him.
She knows he’s out there somewhere. Walking among the live-or undead as it may be. She knows he isn’t dead. She would know it. She would feel it somewhere deep inside in a place that she thinks she lost a long time ago. No he isn’t dead.
But he isn’t here with her either.
She’s sure she’ll see him again one day. He could never stay away. She is positive that he didn’t forget about her yet. It had only been ten years or so since the last time she had laid eyes on him. No, he remembers her.
The real question is does he still love her?
She likes to think so. Sometimes it’s the only thought that gets her through the night. And the next. And the next. Sometimes she avoided thinking altogether. About him. About Angel. About the seemingly perfect life she lives now with a once two-hundred-and-something-vampire-turned human.
Because she should be happy.
But how can she, when the man she should be with isn’t with her?
A/N: Please review.
