Chapter 1: Problems

Walking into the cemetery Buffy clutched the stake in her hand. Her head was pounding, causing her to feel sick. She had had this feeling for a few weeks now, however she refused to tell anyone, just like she refused to give up patrolling. Slayers didn’t get sick; it was as simple as that. Her headache was probably caused from being ripped out of heaven anyway.

She wished that Giles would have come back from England sooner, no doubt he would have told her what was wrong. But telling him would mean admitting where she had been, she couldn’t do that to anyone. Anyone except Spike it seemed. Buffy was unsure what had caused her to confess to Spike that afternoon in the alley, but something had told her she needed to tell someone she couldn’t keep it all bottled up inside. Yet funnily enough ever since she had told Spike that’s exactly what she had done, she’d kept everything bottled up inside, she didn’t share anything with anyone anymore.

Each day she tried to get back to normal, yet each day away from where she had been was making it harder and harder.

Clutching the stake tighter she tried to ignore the pounding in her head and the dizziness that seemed to surround her, and carried on into the cemetery determined to find some baddie to take her frustration and pent up feelings out on.
*********
Spike watched from on top of his crypt at the slayer as she wandered aimlessly into the cemetery. Stopping just below him she placed her hand to her temple and closed her eyes.

He knew something was wrong with her, something didn’t smell right, and she hadn’t even noticed that he was sat here.

Hearing a rustling behind her he saw her head suddenly snap up as she turned to face the newly risen vampire. He watched as her expression hardened, he loved watching her fight. Her moves were always so fluid and graceful.

However things seemed different this evening. Suddenly her moves seemed less graceful and more clumsy, her targets weren’t hitting their marks, she was barely able to miss the blows that were sent her way. Something was definitely wrong with her tonight; she couldn’t even defend herself against a fledgling.

Jumping down from the crypt roof and landing gracefully on his feet, he approached Buffy from behind. Still however she made no move to show that she knew he was there. As he came to stand next to her, he flinched as he watched her take a particularly brutal hit to her chin, causing her to stagger backwards.

Then suddenly everything changed, staggering backwards Buffy’s knees suddenly gave way causing her to fall to the floor. Spike darted forward with all the speed a vampire could muster and caught her jut before she hit the floor, and gently laid her on the ground. The new vampire just stood there in shock staring at the girl on the floor. Amazed that he could have done such a thing.

Standing up, Spike picked up the stake that was lying next to Buffy’s still form and advance towards the stunned vampire.

Giving him a swift kick to the stomach followed by a brutal punch to the nose, causing the vampire to go flying backwards where his back hit a tombstone and he sunk to the floor. Twirling the stake between his fingers he slowly walked up to the dazed vampire.

“You know you’re doing something wrong mate when even your own kind wants you dead.”

He then thrust his stake into the vampire’s unbeating heart before he even had chance to reply. Turning his back on him, Spike rushed over to Buffy’s side before the vampire had even fully disintegrated.

Buffy now lay on the ground having some form of seizure.

Her eyes were shut and her arms and legs seemed to be flailing about. She seemed to be in pain, but Spike didn’t know how to help. Being careful to mind her legs, which he knew could be quite lethal when they wanted to be; he reached out and took hold of her hand in his own.

“Love? Where’s it hurt? I can’t help you unless you tell me. Come on pet.”

Suddenly her body went limp again, a single tear slipped down her check. Slipping his arm under her neck and another under her legs, he lifted he small frame up, cradling her against his body. Just as he was about to stand, Buffy made a small movement, if he hadn’t been holding her Spike probably would have missed it. Turning her head ever so slightly to the left, Buffy threw up on to the grass right next to her arm, before suddenly going limp again in his arms.

Realising something was seriously wrong, he carefully picked up his precious slayer and started carrying her to Sunnydale Hospital, someone would have to look at her and soon.


******
Spike paced outside the waiting room. When he had arrived at the hospital he had got someone to see Buffy straight away. Watching her lay on the gurney, so limp and small looking had broken his heart. As she was wheeled away to where he could no longer be by her side, he had gone and used the phone to call the rest of the scoobies. He knew they would all be at the magic box.

So now he stood, pacing outside the room. As soon as the scoobies had arrived, demanding to know what had happened and what he had done, they had then made it quite clear that he wasn’t welcome there, not that he could have bared to stand in the same room as their accusing glares anyway. However, refusing to be to far from Buffy, he had simple taken up residence outside of the waiting room.

As he saw the doctor approach, he stood still, and held his breath, not that he needed to breath anyway. However the doctor walked right past him and into the waiting room.

Closing the door behind him as he entered the room, the doctor turned to face the scoobies, leaving Spike looking at the door.

Stepping up to the door he placed his ear against the wood and used his enhanced hearing to hear what the doctor was telling the rest of them.

“I’m afraid the news with Miss Summers doesn’t seem very promising. She is with another doctor at the moment, so I am afraid that she can’t see anyone just yet. It appears that she has suffered from a seizure, although I am also worried about the slight bruising on her chin. Is Miss Summers in any way in an abusive relationship?”

Spike snorted at that one, her whole lifestyle was one abusive relationship. From inside the room Spike heard Giles speak up.

“No Doctor I can assure you that Buffy isn’t in any danger at home or otherwise, I can only assume she got the bruise when she collapsed.”

“Be that as it may, I would still like to keep her in over night just to make sure, we have performed a few basic test and are waiting for the results on those, however there are some more conclusive test that I would like to run just to make sure.”

Once again Spike heard Giles speak up, it appeared that he was the spokesman for the group, no doubt the doctor thought that this was her father.

“Do we have any idea as to what may have caused the seizure doctor?”

“Its too early to say at the moment yet, it could simply be that she was dehydrated, however it could also be something more serious, I really can’t make any assurances at the moment. We are going to keep her in over night and run some more test, we should have the results by the morning. I suggest that you all go home and get some rest; there is nothing you can do here now. Miss Summers will be taken care of, you don’t need to worry, you can come and see her in the morning, she’s in ward four however…”

Spike didn’t wait to hear what else the doctor had to say. Striding over to the elevator he pressed the up button, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited for the doors to close.

As the doors re-opened announcing he was on floor two.
Walking over to ward four’s reception desk, he carefully checked that no one was around before leaning over and checking which room Buffy was in.

As he entered the room, Buffy seemed to be sleeping. He small frame seemed to be hooked up to numerous different machines, each making its own little humming sound. The noise was deafening.

Deciding that she needed sleep, Spike turned and reached for the door handle. Just as his fingers wrapped around it, he heard Buffy call to him. Her voice sending goose bumps down his back at how weak she sounded.

“Spike?”

Turning round he saw her looking at him through hooded eyes, he head supported on the pillows by her hand.

“Yeah, pet, I’m here.” Edging closer to her, he looked down at her small body that seemed to be drowning in the large bed.

“Where is everyone, Spike?”

“Everyone’s downstairs, pet,” Spike kept his voice low as he talked to her. “I wasn’t welcome down there. Doctor told your watcher they couldn’t see you till morning, I think they are all gonna go home to rest and come back for you in the morning.”

Buffy looked at him with sad eyes, “Do they know what’s wrong with me Spike?”

Spike looked into her eyes and could see the pain reflected back in them. She really didn’t know what was happening. “I don’t think the doctors know yet, they said they had done some tests.”

“Yeah, they took some blood.”

Spike chuckled, “They better be bloody careful with it, they don’t know how lucky they are to have such a sweet nectar within their grasp.”

“Ewww, Spike that’s gross, is that all you think about?” A brief smile lit up her face.

“Can't help it love, vampire.” He pointed to himself causing her to chuckle slightly. “Anyway its not the only thing I think about, I could show you all the other nasty things I think of if you want” He wiggled his eyebrows for emphasis, causing Buffy to blush brightly.

“Spike!”

“Well, pet, I best let you get some rest. I just wanted to check you were ok.”

Turning his back to her, he headed to the door again.

“Spike?” Turning to face her, Buffy looked down at the bedding. “Would you stay please?” When he didn’t answer she cast her eyes up and made eye contact with him.

Seeing the fear shinning in her eyes, he couldn’t refuse.

“Ok, love, just don’t be thinking you can be making a regular deal out of this.”

“Cross my heart Spike.”

Taking off his duster he gently laid it over the end of the bed, he then went and sat in the orange chair next to her bed.

After a moment of silence Buffy rolled onto her side to look at Spike.

“Spike, what do you think’s wrong with me?”

“I don’t honestly know. Wish I could tell you, love, but I can’t.”

“Do you think it has something to do with where I was?”

Tears started to well in her eyes as she remembered her time in heaven.

“I don’t know. The only people who could probably tell you are the people you aren’t telling.”

“I know Spike, I just can’t tell them, they can’t know where I was, they can’t.” Fresh tears started to run down her face. “They are going to take me for a CT scan tomorrow. That’s what my mother had Spike. What if its something serious.”

“Whatever it is, love, we’ll deal. Now you should get some
sleep. I’ll stay if you want me to.”

“Thank you Spike.” Turning over onto her other side with her back to Spike, Buffy closed her eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Spike listened to the steady rhythm of her heartbeat, as it slowed as she relaxed and feel asleep. He stayed close by her side for the rest of the night. Never once leaving her alone.


***
When the nurse arrived back into the room next morning to check on Buffy’s progress she was shocked to see Spike sleeping next to her bed, holding her hand tightly in his.

Spike stirred from his sleep when he heard someone enter the room. Seeing the nurse stood there, Spike told her to be quite before gesturing to the girl sleeping soundly next to him.

In a hushed whisper the nurse spoke to him. “Sir, What are you doing here? Miss Summers isn’t allowed visitors yet, and even if she was this certainly isn’t visiting hour, I’m afraid Sir I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Spike looked at the nurse, she was short, just barely over 5 feet she had brown frizzy hair and wore a nametag that announced her as ‘Tina’.

“Look, love, Buffy asked me to stay here, and until she tells me to leave, which knowing Buffy could be bloody well soon, I’m not going anywhere Do you think I want her to wake up on her own after I promised to be here?” with that said Spike turned his attention back to Buffy.

Tina stood there stunned, she had never been talked back to before, usually when she told people to leave they just did, no questions asked.

“Well Sir, are you a relation then?” Tina was curious now as to who this man actually was.

“No.” Spike didn’t even look up as he answered her.

“What are you then?”

“Well, I’m a … umm… that is I’m… umm…I’m…” Spike looked up at Tina as he tried to find a suitable answer for what he and Buffy where. He couldn’t rightly tell her that they where mortal enemies, yet recently he had realised that he loved her, and probably always had, but then she had done what she did best and had died saving the world, and it had torn him apart when she died, could he?

“He’s my friend.” Came a groggy voice from next to him.

Looking over he saw Buffy’s eyes flutter open. It made Spike’s unbeating heart swell to hear her call him a friend.

Quickly adjusting to the surprise of being called a friend, he turned back to Tina. “Well then ‘Tina’ is there a reason you’re here, or is it just to piss me off?”

Tina was starting to find the gentleman sat with Miss Summers quite rude, but she bit her tongue, she knew she wasn’t suppose to say anything to the patients friends and family. “Actually I came to prep Miss Summers for her CT scan.”

Spike heard Buffy’s heartbeat pick up before the machines picked it up. Leaning over he held her hand tightly.

“Shhh, Love, it’ll be ok, it’ll be over quickly and they’ll be able to see what’s wrong with you, what’s making you ill and be able to make you all better again.”

Tina was shocked to see such a gentle side in a man who had appeared to be so rough.

Stepping to the side, Spike didn’t let go of her hand, as he let Tina prepare Buffy.

A little while later, Tina left them alone again, and Spike sat back down in the little chair.

“Do you want me to go downstairs and get watcher boy. I’m sure you’d rather have him than me.” Spike tried not to sound to upset as he said it.

“No!” Buffy gripped onto his hand tightly, unaware of the sound of bones cracking, causing Spike to wince. “Don’t leave me Spike. I can’t face them yet. They can’t know.” Tears surfaced again in her large green glassy eyes.

Spike knew however she wasn’t just talking about where she had been. “How long has this been going on, pet?”

“Been having them since I was brought back.” Buffy had considered playing coy and acting like she didn’t know what he was talking about, but she knew he meant the headaches and the seizures, she seemed to be unable to bring herself to lie, to Spike of all people.

“Why didn’t you tell someone, Buffy” He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice that she hadn’t told him, yet still some managed to creep its way in.

All Buffy did in response to Spike’s question was hang her head in shame.

“I don’t know Spike, I guess I didn’t want to accept that I am really back. I don’t belong here, that’s what this is telling me. It can’t mean anything good can it Spike?” Fresh tears appeared in her eyes.

“You listen to me, Buffy Summers. You do belong here. We are going to find out what’s wrong and get you out of here before you know it. You’ll be back to playing Kick the Spike before you can blink, I promise.”

Buffy gave Spike a smile, however it failed to reach her eyes. Her eyes held such sadness and portrayed the horrors she had seen in her short life, the look in her eyes just made Spike want to comfort her.

“Look Buffy…” Just as he was about to say something, Tina walked back into the room, pushing a wheel chair in front of her. She seemed oblivious to the tense atmosphere around her, the conversation she had managed to just abruptly stop. Smiling at Buffy she said in a cheery voice, “Ok Miss Summers they are waiting for you down in radiology” Smiling all the while, as though this was something Buffy should be looking forward to – instead of dreading with a gut wrenching fear as she was.

Carefully Tina detached the drip in Buffy’s arm and helped her to sit in the wheel chair, even though it was clear Buffy had no real need for the help.

“Now Miss Summers your family are all waiting for you downstairs – would you like to see them before you go for the scan?”

“They are not my family.”

Buffy’s face set in grim determination as she looked at the door, as though willing it to open by the sheer force of her mind.

“Ok then Miss Summers. I am afraid your friend will have to stay here, visitors aren’t allowed.”

Buffy head spun round so quickly to look at Spike, her eye suddenly full of fear again.

“Don’t worry, love, I’ll wait here, I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be here when you get back, you won’t be gone long at all I promise.” He reached over and gave her hand one last squeeze.

Slowly nodding, Buffy turned round to face forward again.

Taking the handles, Tina led her away towards the lift.

Spike watched her until the lift doors shut obstructing his view of her. He then went and sat on the bed, taking in her sent that filled the room. Looking at the taupe walls that surrounded him, Spike sat patiently and waited for her to return to him. Watching as the hands on the clock slowly moved round with a dull tick as he waited and waited unaware of what they where finding down in radiology.

TBC…..

Please let me know what you think!!!!

Chapter 2: Discoveries
A while later Buffy was pushed back into the room. Spike jumped up ready to meet her as soon as the door started to open. She looked exhausted; her whole body sagging into the wheelchair.

Carefully Spike helped her into the bed, while Tina quietly excused herself, leaving Buffy and Spike alone in silence.

It was Spike who broke the silence first, “What happened down there, love?”

Buffy heaved a sigh as though only just realising there was someone else in the room; looking at him she told him what had happened. “They did a head and shoulder scan first, that wasn’t so bad. However then they said they had to also do a full body scan. I t-think maybe they found something in the first scan. But they weren’t saying anything. The full body scan was horrible. I t-think its b-bad Spike.”

Buffy didn’t take the time to contemplate why she was telling her onetime enemy about this. She was showing him her weakness, a weakness he could use against her, yet she knew in her heart of hearts that he wouldn’t. She knew that if she laid here and analysed what that was happening between them, it would only scare her, as to why she was letting him get so close, telling him things she couldn’t even bare to tell her friends.

Spike looked at her, she looked almost broken, and after everything that had happened, this must have been the final straw.

“I’m, sure it’s not as bad as you think, love, they are just being cautious. You know how doctors can be.” Spike knew he needed to comfort her; even if he didn’t believe what he was telling her, he needed her to believe it. If she had any hope of pulling through this she would have to be strong.

“I’m scared Spike.” Tears started to run down the cheeks.
“Hey now, none of that, pet.” He took her hand sitting in the chair next to the bed. “Where’s the slayer I know and love, the one that would kick my arse without even flinching.”

Buffy gave Spike a sad smile. “I think she’s hiding somewhere. Look Spike you don’t…”

Buffy didn’t get to finish her sentence, as a quiet knock at the door came. Willow quietly slipped into the room, followed by Tara.
Willow spoke softly, and although she seemed unaffected by Buffy’s weak looking appearance, Spike had heard her heart pick up when she had seen Buffy. He understood what the red haired witch must be thinking, she had never seen her friend weak before, she was the Slayer—she fought demons and stopped apocalypses she wasn’t supposed to get sick.

“Hey Buffy.”

“Hey Will, hey Tara. What are you guys doing here?” Buffy fought to sit up on her own. Spike moved forward to try and help her but she gave him a stern look, so quick that Willow and Tara both missed it. Stepping back he allowed her to do it on her own. He knew why she didn’t want his help, it would mean looking even weaker in front of her friends.

Willow perched herself carefully at the end of the bed, being careful not to sit on Buffy’s feet, while Tara stood quietly by the door, trying not to draw too much attention to herself.

“We came to see how you were doing Buffy. How are you doing?”

“I’m ok Will… Had a CAT scan this morning… slightly scary, but no worse than anything I’ve fought before. Doctors are going to come with results later today.” Buffy put a brave face on everything, she didn’t want Willow knowing what had happened. After what Willow had done bringing hr back, the two of them hadn’t been as close as they once had been. Both were working on mending their
friendship, it just took time.

“Oh, Buffy, I am sorry I wasn’t there for you. The doctor sent us home; I came soon as I could… Giles and Xander will be coming soon.”

“No biggy Will. I survived. What did the doctors say, have they told you anything?”

Willow solemnly shook her head “No, they said they did some test and would be getting the results some time today.”

Just at that moment Xander and Giles came into the room, neither knocking. Trailing behind them was Anya.

“Hey Buff. Way to get a guy scared. Next time you decided to collapse like that, give a us a warning will you?” Buffy stared at Xander as though he had just grown another head. Seeing her bewildered look and how she was rubbing her temples, Xander quickly hushed his voice. “Sorry Buffy, I’ll be quiet now.”

Giles placed his glasses that he had been cleaning, back on his face, stepping past Xander he went and gave Buffy a gentle hug.
“Hello Buffy, how are you feeling now? Despite Xander’s uncouthness, he is right, you did give us all quite a scare.”
“Sorry Giles, I’m feeling ok. Ready to go home.” Buffy forced a smile onto her face, so as not to let the rest of the scoobies see the pain she was in.

While all the scoobies were chattering away, all bombarding Buffy with questions, Spike slipped away unnoticed. He wasn’t wanted in that room, a point made clear by the murderous glances Xander sent his way. Buffy didn’t need him anymore; she had her friends round her now.

As he stepping out of the stuffy hospital room he took in a deep unneeded breath. Sat on the little plastic seat next to the door was Dawn. Her head was downcast and she was looking at her fingers as she twiddled them in her lap.

Spike went and sat in the seat next to her. Neither spoke for a while.

“What are you doing out her, bit? Why aren’t you in there with the big group hug thing?”

Dawn looking up at him, Spike could see she had unshed tears in her eyes. “Willow and Tara brought me. They went in first, they wanted to check that Buffy was ok for visitors, they told me to wait out here till they came and got me. Why aren’t you still in there with her, Spike? Doesn’t she need you.”

Spike smiled, Dawn didn’t treat him like a monster, not like the rest of the damn scoobies did, she treated him like a man. “Nah, she doesn’t need me, she has her friends now. Niblet you go on in, big sis will be pleased to see you.”

Dawn nodded, “Are you sure?”

Spike didn’t know whether she meant was he sure she could go in, or whether he was sure Buffy didn’t need him. Either way he just nodded.

Standing up, Dawn gave Spike one last lingering sad look before tapping on Buffy’s door and walking in.

Spike sat alone in the quiet corridor. He could hear all the scoobies talking in the room behind him, he knew he would never belong with any of them; he was a monster and always would be in their eyes.
Picking himself up he walked over to the stairwell and pushed the swinging door open, before slowly walking down the steps and out of the hospital. He headed back to his crypt where he intended to drown his sorrows with a bottle of jack he had stored away.
Spike hadn’t seen the doctor coming out of the lift as he had entered the stair well. The doctor that was carrying the results of Buffy’s CAT scan, the results that would shatter Buffy’s world forever. Spike didn’t see him he leave the lift and go and knock quietly on Buffy’s door.


***
Buffy laid quietly on the bed, letting the sounds of her friends talking wash over her. Dawn was currently laying on the bed, her head nestled on Buffy’s shoulder and Buffy was playing with her hair.

Buffy was suddenly broken out of her trance by a knock at the door. Hoping that it would be Spike coming back, she eagerly called for whoever it was to enter the room. However she felt her heart drop, when instead of the bleached vampire she had been expecting to see, a doctor wearing a white coat stepped through the door.

The man spoke with a slight foreign accent, making a few of his words sound slurred, he was tall, with rimless glasses that sat perfectly perched on is nose, Buffy looked up into his face that showed no emotions as he spoke. “Miss Summers, I am Doctor Kristianson, I have the results from the CAT scan that you had this morning. Would you like you friends and family present while I explain our findings to you?”

Suddenly Buffy found all eyes on her. From the way he has said ‘our findings’ Buffy could tell automatically that the news was not good. She didn’t want Dawn to hear it from this doctor, Buffy would rather that she could explain it to her herself later.
“Dawn sweetie,” Dawn turned to look Buffy in the face, it was clear she was scared she was going to lose her sister again. “Would you wait outside? I promise I will tell you everything.”
Nodding that she understood what Buffy was trying to say, Dawn lifted herself off the bed and went to sit back on the cold plastic seat outside the room.

“Tara? Would you go and wait with Dawn please?” Buffy didn’t want Dawn sitting alone at the moment and she knew Tara was the best person to go and sit with her. “Thank you.” Tara gave a silent nod and a small smile of understanding as she left the room to go and sit with Dawn. “Everyone else can stay.”

The doctor nodded, before taking out of the envelope he held in his hand the x-rays. Walking over to the screen on the wall, he pinned them up so that everyone could see.

To Buffy they simply looked like pretty patterns, almost like the butterfly paintings you would do in kindergarten. However she knew that they where far more important than that, she also knew that whatever was hidden within the mass of lines and swirls that seemed to make up the pattern of her brain, would tell the secret of what was wrong with her. And Buffy was about to find out just what that was.

“Miss Summers, I am afraid the news is not good. The scans and your blood test have shown that you have a high-grade astrocytoma, otherwise known as Glioblastoma Multiforme or GMB. It is located in your frontal lobe Miss Summers. It is growing at a rapid rate, which we would not have predicted even if you had come to us earlier with your symptoms. It usually only affects older people Miss Summers however it has been known on occasions to infect young people such as yourself. It is unclear how it has developed, in all probability it will have evolved from a low-grade astrocytoma or possibly an oligodendroglioma.” During most of his speech the doctor had been pointing out swirls and colours on the brain maps on the wall. Turning round now he looked directly at Buffy, ignoring the other youths in the room.

Buffy just looked at the doctor with a blank look on her face, “I don’t understand, doctor.” Her voice came out small and weak, and normally she would have cursed it, but right now she just felt so scared. Although she didn’t know what he had just said, she knew there were enough long words in there for it not to mean hugs and puppies.

“You have a brain tumour Miss Summers. It is invading your brain at a very face pace. It is spreading to any nearby tissue it can find. The type of tumour you have contracted is the most invasive glial tumour there is. GMB accounts for about 32% of all brain tumours, so it is quite rare Miss Summers.” He said the last part as though it was something she should be proud of although it didn’t make her special.

Buffy couldn’t help the hysterical laugh that broke through. “I guess I should be happy then, I have something none of the other kids have huh?” Tears ran down Buffy cheeks as she tried to comprehend what the doctor was trying to tell her.

The doctor gave her a sad look, he knew this would be hard on the young woman, “I apologise, I did not means for it to sound like that.”
Willow stepped past Xander, who seemed to have broken down into a total state of shock, to go and sit on the bed with Buffy and comfort her. Wrapping her arms tightly around her they hugged, both crying as tears soaked the others shoulder.

From next to Buffy, Giles spoke up, he held his glasses so tightly in his hand it looked as though they may break, “What can be done Doctor?”

The doctor nodded as though he had been expecting this question, yet it was the question he least wanted to give an answer to, “The normal course of action would be surgery and then chemotherapy if required. However Miss Summers’ tumour is larger than the average tumour, to remove it would create a substantial lack of pressure that she is currently requiring to survive. We also can not perform the chemotherapy on Miss Summers, as the tumour has passed the stage where it would respond to therapy.” Looking over at Buffy, the doctor hoped she was understanding what he was saying without him having to say the words. However she never once met his eye.

It was Xander who broke the eerie silence that had settled over the room. “What are you saying?”

“I am saying that I am afraid there is nothing we can do that will not result in Miss Summers either become a vegetable or her death. There is nothing anyone can do.”

After this declaration the whole room was silence except for the sound of Willow and Buffy’s sobs, as they cried into each other’s arms. The silence was suddenly broken by Buffys small voice, so quite it could barely be heard.

“W-when did it come.”

The doctor understood what Buffy was asking; she wanted to know when she had developed the tumour. “Our preliminary findings show that you developed the tumour around four months ago. It is unclear whether anything could have been done if we had caught it sooner.”

Buffy’s head was reeling… four months, this couldn’t be real then. Four months ago, she had been dead, and you can’t develop a tumour when you are dead. Without thinking Buffy blurted out what she was thinking. “But that’s impossible, four months ago I wasn’t here.”

The doctor gave Buffy a slight smile, “I’m afraid it isn’t just Sunnydale where tumours develop, the truth is you could have developed it wherever in the world you were.” Buffy knew what the doctor had thought she had meant, and knew it was best not to argue, although he may have seen a lot working in Sunnydale, Buffy was sure he wouldn’t be ready to know he was treating a patient who had been brought back from the dead.

Giles was well aware of what Buffy had been thinking, he himself was thinking along similar line. It was possible that while in hell, as a form of punishment Buffy may had been given the tumour and when Willow had worked her magic and brought her back the tumour, and any other form of torture Buffy had had to endue, may have stayed with her, and transpired with her in this reality. Research would definitely be called for, hopefully with Buffy’s help they might be able to locate which hell dimension she had been in, and therefore possible find a cure for her current ailment, if such cure existed. However they would have to tread carefully so as not to upset Buffy further by having her remember where she had been. First things first however, they had to get Buffy out of this inhospitable place and back to her own home where they could care for her.

“Well then doctor, if you are sure there is nothing that can be done, may we discharge Buffy and take her back to her own home? I am sure she will get more rest in her own bed than what she will be getting here.”

The Doctor had known that her friends would want to take her home as soon as possible. “Although I strongly recommend against it, there is nothing I can do to keep you here. Do you have any question Miss Summers?” Buffy simply shook her head. “Well I have a few question that I will need answering, standard things really, however you can take the forms home with you. I am sure you will find it easier that way.”

“Thank you doctor” Buffy nodded. With that the doctor left the room, Tara and Dawn came back into the room as he left. The four friends and Dawn then helped Buffy out of the bed and back home, where they would be able to love and protect her, like she had done for them for so many years without once failing.

***
Buffy and Dawn went back to the house, while the rest of the scoobies left them alone. Buffy had to explain to Dawn everything that had happened, everyone understood that that was something they had to do alone, so one by one they all trailed back to the magic box.

That is where they where now, all sat around the table in the magic box. Books where piles high on the table, as soon as they had got back Giles had set everyone into full research mode. They where determined to find out where Buffy had been, although tired no one was giving in. So far they had got it down to 500 different dimensions that she could have been in, if they had any hope of helping Buffy they had to get that number down further.
As the sun was just starting to set the bell on the door rang throughout the shop. Everyone turned towards the door just as Buffy walked though the door.

It was Giles who spoke first, “Hello Buffy, how are you feeling, are you sure you should be walking around?” he spoke in hushed tones.

“Giles, I’m not dying... ok you know what I mean. I’m ok.” Buffy smiled at everyone. The smile didn’t hold quite the same sparkle as usual. “I left Dawn at the house, she’s sleeping, I think all the crying has tired her out. She is taking it pretty bad, Giles.”

Once again, Giles took off his glasses and started to clean them. “I well imagine she is, she has already lost you once, Buffy, the thought of losing you again must be hard for her to deal with. It more you I am concerned about, how are you doing in all of this?”

“I’m doing ok… not jumping through hoops or anything but ok. Have you guys found anything?”

Everyone suddenly looked down ashamed to look Buffy in the eye after searching for hours being unable to come up with any concrete answers.

Buffy knew the news was not good when Giles once again started to clean his glasses. “Umm not exactly, Buffy. We don’t have much to go on, just dates and such forth. It would help us if you could maybe try to remember a few details of were you where?”

Buffy took a deep breath and went at sat down at the table.

“Ok… Go ahead I will tell you whatever you want to know about where I was…”

TBC…

I hope that was a better way of ending it.. once again i can appologise enough.. I am stupid I know, i just had a hell of a lot on before i went away!!! Next chapter up in next few days.

Chapter 3: truths


“Ok… Go ahead I will tell you whatever you want to know about where I was…”

Taking off his glasses, Giles went and sat down next to her at the table. Xander, Willow, Anya and Tara all put down the books they had been using to research and turned to look at Buffy. It wasn’t that they wanted to hear about the terrible things Buffy had gone through—this was their friend after all—they were just slightly interested in where they had saved her from.

“Thank you Buffy, I realise that this must be very hard for you, but anything you could remember would really help. We know that you were taken to wherever you were on the 22nd of May, and Willow brought you back on the 2nd of October,” Giles spoke of Willow’s spells with such disdain, it was clear he thought that something could still be very wrong after the spell.

“So, we are currently cross referencing which dimensions had portals open around those dates, but we are coming up with hundreds, we need to lower that if we have any chance of helping you. You understand don’t you, Buffy?”

Buffy simply nodded.

“Well, as time travels differently in different dimensions, I guess it would help us reduce the number of possible dimensions if we knew how long you were where you were.”

“Umm longer than I was away here. I don’t know the exact time; time had no measurement, if you know what I mean. If felt like about 3 years. I’m sorry I can’t be more help Giles, I don’t know exactly.”

“Don’t be sorry, that helps. Willow I will need you to cross-reference dimensions that move at a 1 to 7 ratio to our time scale. Now Buffy I am sorry but I have to ask, do you remember anything being done to you?”

Once again Buffy just simply shook her head.

It was Anya that now spoke up. “Well that doesn’t mean anything. When I was a vengeance demon I saw a lot of death and destruction, and would see the people blocking it out of their memory, pretending nothing had happened.” She said it with such clarity, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I actually caused a lot of the trauma… this one time I made this man…”

“Ahn!” Xander cut her off before she could go into one of her speeches about the many men she had maimed and tortured.

Giles carried on before anyone else could interrupt, “Buffy do you remember being in any pain while you there?”

“There wasn’t any pain Giles.” Taking a deep breath, Buffy looked her watcher directly in the eye, “I wasn’t in pain. I was happy.”

Silence followed Buffy’s announcement.

“Wow, we really did screw up.” Everyone looked at Anya. “What? I am just saying what everyone’s thinking right? Right Xander?” Anya looked at Xander making him squirm.

“Anya would you please just be quiet for a second.” Once again Giles took off his glasses to clean them. “Buffy what are you actually saying?”

“You mean an experienced watcher like yourself can’t work it out. I was in heaven Giles. At least that’s where I think I was. I don’t know exactly. What I do know is I was happy and at peace and I knew you were all safe. But then I was taken away from all that, Giles. Now I’m not there anymore. Now I know what pain is,” Buffy bowed her head and stared at the table.

Tears formed in Willows eyes as the words Buffy had said sunk in. She had torn her best friend away from paradise, without a second thought for what she might be doing. Without thinking about Buffy.

Xander stared in shock at Buffy, he had helped Willow, and this is what he had done. He had hurt his friend more than he could have possibly ever imagined. He couldn’t bring himself to think about what he had done.

Giles was speechless. His slayer had sacrificed herself and had been rewarded for it, but then, because her friends has been selfish and wouldn’t accept that she was dead, they had ripped away that privilege from her. He knew nothing he would say would stop the pain she would be feeling. He knew what Willow had done was wrong, he just hadn’t realised how wrong it really was.

“Ok guys, someone say something.” Buffy looked into the face of each one of her friends; she had tears running down he cheek, marring her face.

“Oh god Buffy I am so sorry. I didn’t know. We were so stupid, I’m so stupid. I thought I was helping. Oh, Buffy, I am so sorry.” Willow’s tears now matched Buffy’s as they poured down her cheeks. Standing up she went over to Buffy’s side of the table to go and give her a hug, however was shocked when Buffy flinched away from her.

“I’m sorry, I can’t… not yet.” Standing up Buffy walked over to the counter where she started pacing, “Well Giles any clue how to make me better then, I guess you know where I was now.”

“From what you have said Buffy I think that you were in Eden, it’s a form of paradise. Very few can achieve such state of paradise, you have to have been exceptional in life, but then again I always knew you were. I’m sorry Buffy this isn’t what you need to hear.”

“Just tell me how to make me better, Giles. That’s all I need right now.” Stopping pacing, Buffy looked Giles directly in the eye, ignoring all the other people in the room.

“That’s what I am trying to say, I don’t think there is a way to make you better Buffy. While searching for the mystical we have managed to over looked the physical.” Giles stood up and walked over to the stairs leading up to the mezzanine.

Buffy just stared at Giles, afraid to think of what he was saying. “What are you saying Giles? Just cut to the chase.” Buffy was starting to get angry now, why couldn’t Giles just say what he knew?

“I didn’t believe that you have developed the tumour while you where on this plane of existence Buffy. I had believed that the tumour had come from the hell dimension you were sent to, but you weren’t in hell Buffy. Eden is a place of great happiness; the tumour would not have developed there. The tumour was made and exists in this dimension.”

“No, no, no. No Giles there has to be something, something to stop the tumour. This can’t be the way it ends… its just can’t Giles. The doctor said it was 4 months ago, that’s when it came… Giles 4 months ago I was dead… I can’t have a tumour I can’t… please tell me I don’t…please…” Buffy’s voice rose an octave as she pleaded with Giles, her words trailed off as her voice closed off and tears ran down her face.

“I can’t do that Buffy. I wish to god I could. I believe there is nothing mystical about this, Buffy. The tumour is family related, in all probability you developed before you died. It will have lain dormant while you were dead and now you body is functioning again, so is the development of that tumour. I’m sorry Buffy, I really truly am.”

“No, no” Buffy stared at Giles wide eyed, shaking her head in disbelief tears running down her face. With a final look at the scoobies she ran out the door. The bell above the door rang around the suddenly silent store. Everyone stared at the door as though imagining that Buffy would suddenly come back into the room.

Xander stood up first. “I’ll go find her.”

Giles stopped him. “No, Xander let her go; she’ll have a lot to think about.” The room fell back into deathly silence; no one knew where to look or what to say. Everyone had a lot to think about, not just Buffy.


***
Buffy wandered around Sunnydale, she didn’t have a destination in mind nor did she care. Her head was full of unanswered questions. She had been so set on the idea that the tumour had developed when she had died and that they would find a cure, but now they were telling her that wasn’t the case. Her friends really had condemned her to hell.

Without realising it, her feet had taken her to Spike’s cemetery. Aimlessly she walked towards his crypt.

Pushing open the heavy door, she entered into the darken room. Spike was sat on the green chair drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels.

“Slayer?” Buffy turned to face him, and Spike saw that she had tears in her eyes. Eyes that where bloodshot and clearly had seen a lot of tears that evening.

“You went away, why?” Buffy was speaking like a little child, reminiscent of when she had first come back and had come to his crypt then as well.

“You mean at the hospital?” Buffy nodded her head. “Didn’t think you wanted me there, pet. You had the scobbies round you. Didn’t need me.”

“Ok,” Tears welled in her eyes again. She didn’t want to think why what Spike had just said had upset her so much. What gave him the right to think she didn’t need him anymore; he was the only one she needed. That’s what was scaring her the most, why she needed her mortal enemy more than her best friend.

“What’s wrong, Buffy?” Buffy looked up into Spikes face when he used her real name.

“There is no mystical cure Spike. There’s no cure at all.” Fresh tears started to run down her cheeks.

“What do you mean, love, what did the doc and watcher boy have to say?” Spike knew the news wasn’t good; his slayer was so upset, he needed answers from her.

“I didn’t understand most of it, he used long words. But I understood just fine what he meant. I have a brain tumour, like what mom had. The only difference is mine can’t be operated on. It could have been caught and probably stopped a few months ago, but I wasn’t here being dead and all. So now there is nothing that can be done. I’m just so tired, Spike.”

Spike had to admit Buffy did look like she was about to collapse from sheer exhaustion.

What were the bloody doctors doing – why couldn’t they bloody well help her. He held his anger at bay while he spoke, he didn’t want to scare her.

“Here, pet, you go and lie down. There is a bed down stairs. You should sleep you look knackered, love.”

Nodding Buffy walked over to the hall in the floor “Spike?”

Looking up he stared into her emerald eyes, that where glassy from the tears that had been cried.

“Would you stay with me please?”

Silently Spike nodded. Together they walked down to the lower level, where Buffy slept soundly on his bed; it had been a long and tiring day. Spike watched over her while she slept. It was the most she had slept in a long time, feeling safe in his presence.

Spike laid thinking of the ways he could help her. Just watching as she slept.

***
Willow walked back from the bathroom. Placing her hairbrush she had been carrying on the dressing table she went and climbed into bed next to Tara.

Tara who had been slowly dosing off stirred slightly as the bed shifted as Willow got in “Hey Baby.” Tara voice was groggy from the sleep. “How are you doing now?”

“I’m doing ok.” Willow led next to her lover, feeling warm in her embrace. “Tara? Why didn’t she tell us? Don’t you think that that is something we should have known? Do you think she doesn’t trust us?”

“Oh Honey, I think maybe she was scared. She didn’t want to scare us too. I think we need to stop obsessing about this. Buffy is going to need our help dealing with everything. This must be very hard for her, especial after everything she has been through.”

Suddenly Willow sat bolt upright in bed causing Tara to jump.

“I can help. I know a spell. I can make her better, I just need…”

“No!” feeling Tara’s hand on her hand on her arm stopping her from getting out of bed, Willow looked at her, “You can’t do that Willow. That isn’t why we have the gift we have, we are suppose to respect life and death. Willow you know that.” Tara tried to stress the importance of this.

“But I can’t just lie here knowing what I have done and not do anything about it. I can’t Tara.”

Tara looked at Willow sadly, looking into her wide eyes. “I know this is hard baby – but you have to try you can’t do anything, we have to just help Buffy deal with everything now.”

Willow could understand what Tara was saying, they couldn’t use their power to play God and decide who lived and who died. Yet at the same time she could, and probably should, help. “Ok Baby – we’ll sleep now and deal with this is the morning.”

Lying back down she allowed Tara to snuggle up close to her. “I promise we can get through this. Buffy’s strong, Willow, and so are you.”

Willow led still as Tara drifted off to sleep. When she was sure that Tara was fully asleep, she wriggled out of her grasp, being carefully not to wake her sleeping girlfriend. Slipping out of the bed, she went to the chest at the end of the bed where she kept her more potent spell book. Looking through the books until she came to the specific book she was looking for, Willow pulled it out. Sitting cross-legged she read the list of dangerous ingredients she would require.

***
Buffy awoke in the early hours of the morning gasping for breath. Clutching her chest she realised with a sinking feeling, her ‘dream’ had been her reality. Each night she had the same dream of waking up in a coffin and having to claw her way out.

Feeling a soothing hand on her back, she glanced to her right to see Spike sat next to her rubbing her back.

“You’ll stop waking up like this eventually I promise. I know what it can be like.” Spike said in a soothing voice.

“Will it stop before I die again?”

“Hey!” Spike stopped rubbing her back placing his hands under her chin, turning her head to look at him. “Look just because the doc and Rupert said nothing can be done, doesn’t mean we stop looking. We may just have to look at more unorthodox methods, pet. I am not about to lose you again, Buffy.”

Buffy smiled “Thank you, Spike.” Deciding she needed to change the subject, Buffy quickly turned her eyes away from Spike. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed she slipped her feet back into her shoes. “I should get back to Dawn, she’s been on her own all night.”

Spike nodded, “Ok, love, I’ll take you home.”

Silently they walked back to Revello Drive.


***
As they approached the house, Spike’s vampire hearing picked up the sound of Willow inside muttering and cursing, something was definitely wrong inside the house.

“Pet, you just stay here. I’ll come and get you in a second. Ok?” Buffy looked at him dubiously “Buffy, promise me.” Pouting she slumped onto the bench on the porch. “Good.”

Giving the pouting girl one last glance, Spike entered the house.

“Red?” Spike said in a warning tone, making Willow suddenly look up and stop what she was doing. “What the hell are you up to?”

“Oh Spike, you scared me. I was just looking for a spell ingredient I knew I had down here.” Willow once again started looking through the cupboard she had been searching through when Spike had caught her.

“At 3 o’clock in the morning, while Glenda and Niblet are tucked up safe on their beds? Why don’t I believe you?” Spiked stared at Willow with a look of disbelief.

“It really is for a spell, Spike. It’s to help Buffy. I can make the tumour go away. Spike I can make things better. I have to make things better. I can’t carry on feeling this way. I can make it all go away.”

Spike took a step towards her, invading her personal space. He had to make her understand what she was messing with. He felt his temper raise again “Red you don’t know what you’re bloody messing with. You are stood here willing to risk your best friend’s life again! Just to make yourself sodding feel better. Buffy trusted you once Red, and now…”

“Spike” Hearing the small voice behind him, Spike turned to see Buffy stood by the open door way. His anger immediately vanished.

“Buffy?”

“I heard what Willow said, Spike. Will it work? Will it make it go away?” Buffy looked at her quiet friend.

Before Willow could say anything Spike strode over to Buffy. He spoke in a hushed whisper. “It’s not safe, pet. Magic always has consequences, always. Red knows that – she’s just not telling you that bit.”

Buffy looked into Spike’s eyes, “Spike, you are the one who said we’d find a cure – and here it is. Please Spike this is the only way.” Buffy then looked past Spike, who just bowed his head in submission, and looked directly at Willow. “Will, will it work?”

“There are some ingredients I need – but yeah, I can’t see why it won’t work. Buffy I promise I can make things better. I can make you better.” Willow looked at Buffy, trying to smile for her friend’s sake, Buffy however just kept a stony face.

“Fine. What ingredients do you need?”

“I need the blood of an x-nar demon. I don’t know where to get that – I could substitute for a different…”

“No!” Spike heaved a sigh through clenched teeth, Willow and Buffy looked at him. He spoke directly to Buffy “you sure you want to do it this way?” Buffy just nodded. “That’s what I thought.” Turning round he looked directly at Willow. “If we are going to do this we are going to do it bloody well right, less chance of things going wrong. I can get you the blood. Anything else you can’t get hold of? If you buggar this up, Red, I’ll have your guts for garters.”

“I have everything else, trust me Spike I’m not going to mess this up I know what I am doing I promise.”

“Fine I’ll do this, but I am not trusting you Red, magic isn’t to be trusted.” Turning away from Willow, Spike looked back at Buffy. Taking her hand he led her over to the settee. Sitting her down he sat on the coffee table opposite her. “Look, love, I will be back in an hour max… you sure you definitely want to do it this way, you know things could go wrong.”

“Spike, I know you are looking out for me, but we have to do this. Please.”

“I’ll do it. You stay here. Don’t go anywhere. Red will do the spell and we will have you good as new.” Spike forced a little smile. Standing up he strode over to the door and walked out the door without a second glance at the two girls.

Buffy and Willow looked at each other before sitting in complete silence. Nether looked or spoke to each other as they wait for Spike to return. The only sound heard in the whole house was the clock ticking in the hallway; it ticked away the minutes as the tumour carried on growing. Ticking away until Spike would return.

TBC…

I hope you all liked.. its all so sad i know.. please review, the more reviews the faster i write!!! Blackmail is evil i know!

Chapter 4: Spells

Buffy and Willow sat in silence neither looking at the other. Clearing her throat, Willow was hurt when Buffy didn’t even look up; it was clear that she was hurt at the moment and held Willow responsible for her hurt. Standing up Willow went to sit next to Buffy.

“Look Buffy, I’m sorry. I don’t know how many more times I can say that; this spell will work and everything will be good again.”

“Willow, I know what you are trying to do, but at the moment I can’t.” Turning away from her friend, Buffy fixed her eyes on the fireplace, just staring at it. “Willow you don’t get how hard this is. What it is like to feel like this every time I wake up. To know that I am awake, that I am still in this world. You think the worst part was waking up in the coffin. Will, you haven’t a clue. The worst part is being here, and now the worst part is knowing that I’m probably going to suffer a worse death than I already have. Now Will, please can we not talk about this right now? Spike will be back soon and you can do your spell.” Buffy let her voice trail off; she refused to tell Willow that just the sight of her was making her so angry.

As the silence settled between them again Willow took it as sign that Buffy was done talking. Sliding off the settee, she sat Indian style in the center of the floor, gathering all her ingredients around her; placing them so that they were all within reachable distance.

Picking up her jar of granulated cobalt powder, she outlined a protective circle around herself. Then she started to recite the protection incantation. All she would have to do now was wait for Spike to return.

***
Meanwhile however Spike was having more trouble than he thought he would trying to get hold of the x-nar blood. He had first been to a friend of a friend, who was known to supply the rarer ingredients needed for Dark spells and incantations. However that had proved fruitless. All he had got for his efforts was a bust lip, as he had been thrown out of the place for being a vampire.

Deciding to go and try Willy, Spike picked himself up off the floor and headed across town towards Willy’s place.

The bar was surprisingly quiet for a Tuesday night. There were, though, the usual demons sat in their usual places. As Spike entered the bar most of the demons tried to shrink back so that he wouldn’t see them, they had heard of his reputation and didn’t want to anger William the Bloody. Others in the bar had heard of his more recent reputation, and where just itching for a fight with the vampire that killed his own kind and helped the slayer instead of killing her.

Spike ignored all of them and walked over to the bar. Sitting on the barstool he leaned over so he was a few inches from Willy, making the nervous bartender sweat profusely.

“Hey Spike,” A nervous laugh broke free, “Usual is it?”

Spike grabbed his grubby lapels and dragged him close, “I think you can tell I am not in the mood for the small talk tonight Willy. I need information and I need it now.”

“I’m not in the business of giving information anymore. Got out of that when the going was good. My clients don’t like me gabbing off. Tell you wha’ I could, umm, give you a shot of blood, on the house of course.”

Switching to demon guise, Spike growled at Willy. “Look Willy, I’m through being sodding nice. Either you tell me what I want to know or you won’t live long enough to regret it. X-nar demon. Where will I find them?”

“X-nar, you say? Don’t get a lot of call for them. Can’t say I have seen any around here. Can’t help you.”

As Spike reared his fist back to punch him, Willy suddenly panicked and tried to worm his way out of his grasp.

Ok, ok.” Waving his hand, he sighed when Spike placed his fist down. “X-nar you want, those are the guys you need to talk to.” Spike followed to where he was pointing. Over in the far corner was a table of six polgara demons playing poker. Giving Willy a quick punch on the nose before turning his back on him, Spike ignored the twinge of pain that went rocketing to his brain from harming a human and walked menacingly over to the table of demons. Willy’s hands quickly flew to his nose to stop the blood flow.

“Ok then, which one of you can help me find an x-nar demon?” Suddenly all the demons dropped cards and stood up sending their chairs crashing to the ground. Slowly they circled Spike. “Ok guess you aren’t in the talkative mood either—lot of that going around.”

Before anyone had time to think, Spike spun grabbing the stake out of his waistband and plunged it into the nearest demon’s neck. Silently he dropped to the floor with a thud, “Ok who’s next boys?”

Watching the first one die seemed to anger the rest of the clan, suddenly they all rushed at Spike at once.

Spike worked in a flurry of motion, moving at breakneck speed. Soon all that was left was Spike and one Polgara demon, who Spike assumed must be the ringleader as he had been the one ordering the rest.

Holding him in a vice grip, Spike spoke with malice, “Now you are going to tell me what I want to know. Where. Will. I. Find. An. X-nar. Demon?” Spike pronounced each word slowly and clearly.

The demon struggled in Spike’s grasp, but there was no way he could escape. Uttering a few grunts and what sounded to Spikes ears like gibberish, he shook his head.

“Now, now mate don’t be going shy on me, wouldn’t want you to lose that tongue of yours, now would we?”

Shaking his head again the demon realized what was best for him. Stuttering he spoke in broken English, struggling with a lot of the sounds. “x-nar is find on cav’ in breaker’ wood,” he said.

Although hard to make out what he was saying Spike got the gist, “See that wasn’t so hard.” Before the demon could say another thing, Spike snapped his neck with a loud crunching noise. The demon dropped down onto the pile of its fellow demons. Dead before he even hit the ground.

Willy came up behind Spike and handed him a towel, “Did you have to kill them? I have to clean them all up now.” Spike used the towel to mop off the blood that was coming from numerous wounds on his face. Turning to look at Willy he gave him an icy stare, causing Willy to start stuttering again. “Ok, guess you did. Word of warning. I’d get out of here while you still can. Most of these have been itching to have a go at you since you walked in, now they are just getting warmed up.”

Spike threw the bloodied towel down onto the pile of bodies. “Oh and Spike?” Turning back Spike glanced at the sniffling bartender. “Tell the slayer I hope she gets better soon.”

Spike stared at him, “How’d you…?”

“Word travels fast, especially regarding a slayer. You should know that.”

Walking threateningly up to him, Spike stopped a hairs breath away. “If you so much as breathe a word, I will come looking for you.”

“Relax I won’t tell a soul, or an unsoul.”

Turning away from him, Spike left the bar and set of towards the caves.

***
Buffy stared at the clock for the fifteenth time. Spike had been gone an hour and 10 minutes and still there had been no word from him. He had promised that he would be back within an hour but he wasn’t. It was just another person who had lied to her.

Standing up from the settee she went into the kitchen to make herself a cup of hot cocoa. She walked right past Willow without even looking at her.

In the kitchen she started at the kettle as the water began to boil and steam poured out the top. She needed to keep going, at the moment she felt dead inside. She had to try to keep doing things to know that this was all real. Placing her hand under the boiling steam, to see if she could still feel, she pulled it away quickly as the heat seared her skin. Holding her hand close she watched as it began to blister.

Remembering what her mom had once said, she ran it under the cold tap until she could no longer feel it. Her mom. As the thoughts invaded her mind, Buffy remembered her warm smile and gentle voice. As she stood in the silent kitchen, all Buffy could wonder was if her Mom had felt the same as she felt now. Had she too felt the overwhelming fear that gripped Buffy now?

***
Spike stared up at the entrance to the cave, hearing an inhuman squeal that he knew came only from an X-nar demon, Spike knew he had the right place.

Getting a tighter grip on the sword he had taken from his crypt on the way to the caves, Spike walked into the all-encompassing darkness searching out the demon.

Switching to demon guise so that he could see more clearly, Spike looked round at the cave. Bones seemed to be scattered around the edges.

As he got closer to where he had heard the sound coming from, he saw a small fire and could smell burning flesh. Sat around the fire were three X-nar’s. They were sat on rocks and were hunched over eating their meal. At least this gave Spike the element of surprise.

Even hunched over the demons where five feet tall, meaning they would be at least seven feet possibly eight when they stood up. Spike had been hoping that he might come across offspring, that way he had more chance of surviving, but no just his luck to find, fully grown, recently fed X-nars.

Spike knew he had to watch their backs, as the sharp reptilian spines could be lethal. He also knew to watch out for the claws on their arm. However he did have several things on his side: although large and powerful, they where slow moving and had a very poor sense of hearing.

Sword raised, Spike crept up to the one closest to him. Tightening his grip on the sword he brought it down hard on the demons thick skinned neck severing it from his body.

One down, two to go.

However the demons were now well aware of his presence. The one on his right grabbed Spikes arm, painfully dislocating his shoulder. As he continued to squeeze Spike could feel the bones in his arm creaking, ready to break. As he was held immobilized the other demon started to approach, ready to administer the death blow.

With only one hand useable now, Spike gripped the sword tightly in his left hand. Twirling round gracefully, he swung the blade in an arch, cutting though the arm that held him trapped, narrowly missing his own shoulder.

The demon that has just lost his arm howled in pain. Spike used the distraction to finish him. As the demon fell to his knees Spike plunged his sword straight through the center of its skull. The demon died before he could make another sound.

Spike’s arm hung at his side, he was now weaponless as the sword was still wedged in the demon that now lay on the floor, blood pooling from him onto Spike’s Doc Martens. As the remaining demon started to circle him, Spike thought about his options. He didn’t have much going for him, the only advantage he had over the idiot in front of him was speed.

Using his advantaged, he darted past him and stood behind him. As the demon tried to turn, Spike darted past him again. Hearing something snap beneath his foot, Spike looked down to see a pile of bones. Picking up a sharp lethal looking one Spike hid it behind his back.

“Hey mate, over here,”

As the demon turned to the sound of Spike’s raised voice and started to walk towards him, Spike darted forward and plunged the sharp bone into the demon’s heart.

The demon made a gurgling noise and coughed out a mouthful of blood over Spikes face. Raising his claw he made a gouge alone Spike’s forehead just above his eye, before his eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed onto the ground dead.

Slipping out of demon face, Spike placed his hands in his pockets of his duster and brought a cigarette to his mouth. Using his Zippo he lit it, taking in a lungful of smoke. Slowly breathing out he looked at the recently dead demon.

“Not quite a stake, but it’ll do.”

Crushing the cigarette under his foot, Spike went and retrieved the sword out of the other demons head, dropping to his knees he went about gathering the blood.

***
Almost two and a half hours after he had left and there was still no sign of Spike. Looking at the clock Buffy heaved a sigh and placed her cup down on the coffee table. She placed it down with such force the contents spilled over the top and onto the table.

Ignoring the sticky mess, Buffy walked over to Willow. “You might as well pack your things away. Spike isn’t coming back.”

Willow looked up into Buffy’s drawn face. “Oh Buffy, don’t think li…”

Just at that moment the door burst open and a rough looking Spike walked in. His t-shirt was torn and he was covered in blood and his right arm hung limply at his side. Clutched in his left hand was what appeared to be some form of sack.

Walking over he handed it to Willow before collapsing exhaustedly to the floor.

“Told you I would be here. Now get on with the spell Red. Let’s get this over with.”

Willow studied the sack in her hand. It appeared it be made out of thick demon skin and was filled with blood.

“Ewww.” Gently placing the bag down so that she didn’t spell any of the contents, Willow wiped her hands on an available tissue, wiping away the blood that had been on the outside of the bag.

Buffy walked over to Spike, taking his arm she gently helped him up.

“Will, you get on with the spell; I am going to get Spike cleaned up in the kitchen.”

Willow watched as Buffy and Spike walked off towards the kitchen leaving her alone in the living room. She could tell something was definitely going one with her friend and the vampire, but it wasn’t her place to say anything anymore.

Pouring some of the blood into the sacred dish, she mixed the required herbs into it. She then placed her hands into it; the little bit that had been on her hand didn’t seem quite as relevant now she had her hands in it completely.

Making sure the incense was lit; Willow closed her eyes and started to chant, taking up the flow of energy into her body.

“Dal vento ed il mare,
Ed il potere scorrendo attraverso me,
Sradica questa malattia dalla mia vista,
La comando con tutta la potenza.”

***
Taking down the first aid kit from the top of the cupboard, Buffy placed it on the counter before running a bowl of warm water. Tuning out Willow’s chanting she turned to look at Spike.

“So tell me, what happened?”

“I got in a fight.”

Buffy giggled, a sound Spike hadn’t heard in a long time. “I can see that Einstein. What I meant was why?”

“Never break a promise to a lady.” Buffy looked up from the wound was currently tending to on his hand, to see his eyes staring into hers. The two just stared at each other, neither saying a word but their eyes speaking volumes.

“Sradicare!” The shout from Willow broke them out of their trance; Buffy knew the spell had ended.

Suddenly there was a bright flash and Willow screamed. Abandoning the medical care, both Buffy and Spike ran to where Willow was. Before them was a scene of chaos. Willow laying unconscious on the floor, while a portal that seemed to have been open was pouring out demons in a steady stream.

The noise in the room was deafening; above the sound of the heavy demons trampling feet could be heard a steady chant coming from each one.

“To eradicate the disease we must eradicate the holder. To eradicate the disease we must eradicate the holder.”

Seeing the bowl of blood on the floor, Spike lifted his foot up and brought it down hard on top of it. Suddenly the portal closed, however 30 to 40 demons had already escaped through it and were marching through Buffy’s front door and out into the night.

One of the demons turned towards where Spike and Buffy stood. Raising his sword he pointed towards Buffy, “A holder.” He started to advance towards Buffy.

However Spike was quicker to the punch than he was. Despite his injuries Spike jumped into battle. Tackling the sword off the demon, he threw it to Buffy. Who landed a roundhouse kick on the demon, sending him sprawling before plunging the pointy sword straight through his chest. Standing up, Buffy turned to look at Spike.

“Spike, what was that?”

Spike looked at Willow unconscious on the floor, “I have a feeling Red’s perfect little spell went wrong. You go wake Tara. I’ll wake Red.”

As Buffy started walking up the stairs, Spike could see the worried look on her face. “Buffy?” As she turned to look at him Spike gave her a warm look. “Don’t worry, we will sort this thing.”

Giving him a sad smile Buffy continued up the stairs to go get Tara.

***
10 minutes later everyone was downstairs. Willow was curled up on the settee with an ice pack clutched to her head.

“I don’t understand how this happened, Buffy. The spell I used shouldn’t have done this.”

Spike could barely contain his temper. “Then clearly you have done something wrong.”

Tara who was sat at the opposite end of the room from Willow, with a hurt look on her face refusing to look at her girlfriend, spoke up. “Willow, what exactly did the spell say?”

“Umm the words where ‘Dal vento ed il mare, Ed il potere scorrendo attraverso me, Sradica questa malattia dalla mia vista, La comando con tutta la potenza’.”

Spike heaved a sigh. “ ‘Eradicate this disease from my sight, I command you with all my might.’ In other words Red, these demons are going to kill every person who has cancer. They are only doing what they are told; they are eradicating the disease. And you are controlling them. I told you magics shouldn’t be messed with. Look what you have done.”

“I’m sorry Spike! I had to try making it better!”

“Guys!” Buffy spoke up for the first time since everyone had come downstairs, her voice stopped Willow and Spike from shouting at each other as each turned to look at her. “First off we need to stop the demons, then we can lay blame afterwards.”

Spike nodded his head, Buffy was right. “Tara, you and Red work out how to send them back. I’ll go out and stop them hurting anyone.”

Buffy pulled the sword out of the dead demon and went and stood by the door.

“What do you think you are doing?”

“What does it look like? You really think I am going to let you go out there alone in the state you are in? I’m coming with you.”

“No you are sodding well not. Buffy, I can’t keep you safe.”

“Spike, you don’t have to keep me safe, I can do that all by myself. Now are you coming or not?”

Heaving a sigh, Spike and Buffy left the house.

***
It didn’t take them long to find the demons. Heading towards the hospital, they found them all while they were halfway there.

Submerging themselves into the centre of the horde, Buffy and Spike started to fight back the overwhelming crowd facing them.

***
Willow and Tara collected all the ingredients that they would need ready to send the demons back. Creating a protective circle, both girls sat themselves down in it, facing each other.

Willow looked up into Tara’s stony eyes. “Baby, I am sorry. I messed up. I know that. I just wanted to fix it.”

“Will you can’t fix everything with spells. You know that. Can we not talk about this now?”

Willow looked down hearted, “Ok.”

Sprinkling the powder into Willow hand, Tara started to recite the undoing charm.

***
Buffy and Spike were exhausted; they had killed over 20 of the demons but they were still coming at them at a frightening speed. The more they killed the more that seemed to take their place.

They were both bloody and sore, and were fast losing their energy to fight anymore.

Spike kept glancing across at Buffy, he knew she felt weak at the moment; all the demons kept trying to get to her. They could sense she held the thing that needed to be killed. He held a sword in each hand, and was swinging them with deathly accuracy. The demons around him fell.

Suddenly there was a bright flash, Buffy and Spike both had to protect their eyes. When they opened them again they were stood amongst the ruins of the demons.

Closing her eyes, Buffy let the tears fall. Finally letting the exhaustion of the last few days and from the fight overcome her, as her knees gave way she slumped to the ground.

Spike watched the moment Buffy gave up. Rushing to her side he crouched down beside her, carefully holding her chin and turned her teary face to him.

“I give in Spike.”

“No Love, we will find something, there’s this shaman in…”

“No! Spike there is no cure. This is the way it has to be. I’m ready Spike. I’m ready.”

Closing her eyes she repeated “I’m ready” to herself quietly under her breath, as though it was a little mantra.

Spike had seen in her eyes that Buffy had accepted she was going to die and was ready to die the way she was destined to; there was nothing he could do now. Picking her up, he carried the crying slayer back to the house. Dawn was fast approaching; tomorrow they would face what this new development would bring. Now was time for rest.

TBC….

The spell is in italian, if anyone wants the full translation let me know!

Chapter 5: Plans

Spike carefully carried Buffy back to the house. Opening the front door, he surveyed the living room. Willow and Tara were milling around picking up the remains of the spell and cleaning up the remains of the demon attack. Neither was talking or looking at the other; Spike knew they would have a lot to work through.

As they heard the door open they looked over in Spike’s direction at the slayer tucked in his arms. Without a word he carried her up stairs and gently placed her down on the bed.

Slipping her boots of her feet, he placed the covers over her body. Tears were still running down her cheeks, silently she turned her back to Spike and turned to face the window; looking away from everyone.

With one last look, Spike turned and left the room, making sure to shut the door behind him. Willow stood out in the hallway and looked at him imploringly.

With a hushed voice she spoke to Spike. “Spike, what happened?”

Spike looked at the closed door as though he could see the slayer through it. Turing back to Willow he looked her squarely in the eye, “She gave up the fight.”

Turning away from the shocked girl he walked down the stairs and straight out the door he had left open when he had carried Buffy in. Without looking back at the house he walked straight to his crypt.

***
Buffy stayed exactly as Spike had left her for the next four days, she didn’t get out of bed, and she hardly ate and wouldn’t speak to anyone.

Dawn sat by her bed everyday, she didn’t understand what had happened that night, but she knew it must have been bad. Her sister had always been so strong, now she looked weak and venerable.

Ever since that night she hadn’t seen Spike round and there was a tense atmosphere in the house. Willow and Tara were barely speaking. She knew something terrible had definitely happened, she just wished someone would tell her what.

“Buffy, can I get you anything?” her sister made no attempts to show she had even heard anything, Dawn wasn’t entirely sure she was hearing her anymore.

As the tears started to slip down Buffy’s check again, Dawn decided enough was enough; she had to do something to help.

“I’ll be back, I promise”. Placing a kiss on her sister’s forehead, she picked up her coat and left the house.

***
Spike stared at the television in his crypt; however he wasn’t really watching it. He hadn’t heard anything from Buffy or any of the scoobies since the night they had fought off the demons. He wasn’t really expecting to be kept in the loop. It would have been too much to hope for that their brief time in the hospital together had meant something to her as well as him.

Walking over to the fridge he removed his jar of pig’s blood and sat back down. As he did the door of his crypt opened.

Without turning round he called out to the person behind him. “Well don’t just stand there; if you are coming in come in, you are letting all the bloody sun in just stood there.”

As he heard the door close he closed his eyes. “So Niblet, what brings you to my crypt?”

Dawn sat down opposite him, she was slightly shocked at how beat up he looked, what had happened that night? “It’s Buffy.”

Spikes eyes lids snapped open, and he stared at Dawn. He knew leaving Buffy that night maybe hadn’t been the best thing, he just hoped she hadn’t done anything stupid, like trying to top herself.

“Spike, you know what happened that night. I don’t expect you to tell me. No one else does, but Buffy needs help. Someone has to get through to her. Spike, I know you love her, prove it will you?”

Standing up she walked back over to the door and opened it letting sunlight flood into this crypt narrowly missing his chair. “Buffy’s waiting, Spike.”

With that she left him.

Spike sat for a seconds just thinking about what Dawn had said. Picking up the blanket from next to him, he draped it over his head and followed Dawn.

***
Seeing Spike following her, Dawn ran ahead and closed all the curtains in the house; leaving the front door open, she allowed him to just run right in. Dropping the smouldering blanket on the floor, he stamped on it. Dawn pinched her noise as the smell started to fill the room.

Picking it up once it had stopped smoking she carried it into the kitchen. “Thank you for coming Spike. She’s in her room.”

Nodding, Spike turned away from Dawn and walked upstairs. Opening the door to her room, he saw Buffy curled up into a little ball on the bed. She was wearing the same clothes as the night he had brought her back here. Her hair was a mess and mascara ran down her cheeks, it was clear she had made no attempt to leave the bed.

Taking his duster off he laid it over her chair before going to sit on the bed next to her. She didn’t move or do anything to show she knew he was there.

“Buffy? It’s Spike. I’m here now. I am not going to leave you, love. I’ll stay by your side until the very end.” Seeing more tears fall down her cheeks he leaned over and cupped her hand.

Twisting round she turned and laid her head on his chest. “Thank you” her voice was barely a whisper, but Spike heard it.

Falling back into sleep, she laid there peacefully. As he listened to her breathing he felt his own eyes start to get heavy. Closing them, he joined her in sleep.

***
Slowly opening his eyes, he glanced across at the clock he saw that it was 6.02 PM. He had slept most of the day.

“Buffy? Are you ok, pet?” Opening his eyes fully he glanced across at the side of the bed to see that Buffy wasn’t there. Panic over took him. Sitting up fully he tried sensing her.

Hearing the shower running in the room next door, he felt himself calm down.

Standing up he stretched like a big cat. Looking round the room, he realised this was the first time he had been in her room and hadn’t been kicked out. She had let him sleep in her room, she hadn’t even woken him when she went for her shower, if that wasn’t an invitation of friendship, Spike didn’t know what was.

As he was looking at her dressing table, the girl in question came back into the room. She was showered and her hair was washed and in a tight ponytail. She was wearing a clean white shirt, and her face was scrubbed clean of the make-up that had marred it. Overall you couldn’t tell this girl had spent the last four days in bed.

“Hey, you’re up. I didn’t want to wake you; you looked so peaceful.” Walking over to the dressing table next to him, she picked up a cross necklace, looking at Spike she realised what she had done, quickly putting it down she picked up a simple purple one instead. “Thank you for everything, Spike. You’re helping. But I have decided I am not going to hide away from the world while this thing eats away at me.”

Spike saw the resolve in the face of the girl that had collapse on him a few days before. “You’re welcome. Pet.”

“I am going to go and talk to Dawn while the house is quiet, she deserves to know what is going on, I don’t think anyone told her anything while I was, well catatonic really. You can stay here, its fine.”

Nodding he watched as Buffy left the room in search of her little sister.

Deciding to be nosy, Spike started snooping round Buffy’s room. As he turned around he knocked something off her dressing table. Leaning down he picked up the book that had fallen. It appeared to be some form of diary. Reading the date he realised that she had written it a few years ago. When she had first been called as the slayer.

Although his instincts told him to pry and read it, he knew if Buffy caught him she would never forgive him. As he closed the book, a piece of paper sticking out of it caught his eye. The paper was bright pink and smelled of Buffy. On it was her girly teenage writing, placing the book down, he read the piece of paper.

Things I want to do before I die by Buffy Summers
(I don’t plan on dying until I am very old, I am going to be the best slayer in history and everyone will know me, but it is good to plan these things :) )

1. Visit Disney Land,
2. Go and see the ice capades,
3. skate in New York’s central park in winter,
4. buy everything I’ve ever wanted
5. travel
6. be normal
7. fall in love with a perfect man who cares for me
8. make love

Spike laughed at the little sentence she had put under the title, the young Buffy was so full of dreams and ambitions she had had no clue what the real world would turn out to be like.

At the very bottom of the page there was a recent addition, it was in black pen. Spike could tell from the change in writing that this one had only been written a few weeks ago.

9. Go back to heaven.

Hearing the two Summers sisters crying down stairs he knew she had told Dawn everything. Picking up the phone from Buffy’s dressing table, he dialled in a familiar number.

“Hey mate, its Spike… Remember you owe me a favour, well I think I am about to collect on a debt… yeah… gonna need you to keep the place open for me… tonight yeah… I’ll call you when we are close… speak to you soon.” He hung up the phone.

Stuffing the piece of paper into his back pocket he picked up his duster and left the room.

Coming down the stairs, he saw Dawn and Buffy sat on the settee together, hugging each other for dear life.

“Right, come on you two, grab your coats.”

Dawn looked up at spike as though he had gone crazy “Huh?”

“Grab, your, coats.” Spike slowly said the last bit again. “I am taking you two out.”

Bemused as to where they could be going, both girls got their coats without asking any more question.

Holding the door open he allowed Buffy and Dawn to walk past him. “I have to stop at my crypt first, get my car keys.”

Together the three of them walked across town towards the cemetery.

***
Half an hour later and they were all in Spikes car and driving down the freeway. Dawn was stretched out in the back, while Buffy and Spike sat in the front. Dawn was slowly starting to drift off, So Buffy kept her voice down when she spoke.

“Spike? Where are we going?”

Spike looked at Buffy with a smug look on his face. “Can’t tell you that, pet. It would spoil the whole point of a surprise.”

With a huff she sat back in her seat, staring out the window as the view sped past the window.

***
Pulling into a service station, Buffy turned to look at him with a confused look on her face.

“Ok, so your magical trip was to a truck stop?” Eyebrow raised she looked at him.

Spike laughed at the cute expression she was wearing. “No, love, it’s a pee stop. Do you want anything to eat while I am inside?”

Buffy smiled when she realised, “Oh, any chance of some chips.” Buffy looked down sheepishly “I haven’t eaten much in days.”

Spike chose not to comment on the fact that he had noticed. “Ok. Pet, one bag of chips coming up, will Niblet want anything?”

Buffy looked at the sleeping girl on the seat behind her, “Just get her a coke.” As Spike started to get out of the car she stopped him. Turning back Spike looked at Buffy. “Thank you for this Spike.”

Spike smiled, before disappearing into the little store.

Buffy looked round the car. It was dark and very Spike-like. The floor seemed to be covered with Jack Daniel’s bottles. He probably hadn’t cleared it out since that night a few years back when he had come back to Sunnydale and kidnapped Willow and Xander.

As she looked round the car, her mobile phone started to ring. Jumping out the car before the ringing would wake Dawn, Buffy answered the phone. A desperate Willow was on the other end

“Oh god Buffy, are you ok? I came home and there was no one here. I got really worried. Tell me you are ok, you are ok aren’t you? I don’t know where Dawn is, I have been getting really worried.”

“Dawn is with me Will.” Buffy looked in the car at her sister who seemed to be sleeping as though without a care in the world.

“Oh that’s good, where are you anyway?”

“I don’t know.” Buffy couldn’t help smiling at how obscure she must sound.

“What do you mean you don’t know? Buffy are you ok? You sound different.”

“Yeah Will I am fine. I am feeling a lot better. Spike is taking Dawn and me somewhere; it’s a surprise.” Buffy heard the phone switch hands to Xander; she could hear Willow in the background telling him everything that had just been said.

“Hey Buff it’s Xander.”

“Hey.”

“You are with Spike? As in chipped vampire Spike, Buffy why are you trusting him? Why are you trusting him with Dawn?” Buffy could hear his voice rising slightly.

“I have no reason not to trust him Xander.”

“No reason? Buffy he’s tried to kill you more than enough times in the past. Not to mention all of us.”

“He is helping me more than any of you are.” See Spike coming out of the shop she knew she had to end the conversation soon “Look Xander he is coming back now so I am going to have to go. Bye.” She hung up before he could say anything. Turning her phone off so that it wouldn’t disturb her again she tucked it into her jeans pocket.

“Chips for my lady.” As Spike handed her the bag, Buffy couldn’t help smile. “Who was on the phone?”

“No one.”

“Ok then, we should be off.” Climbing back into the car they carried on their journey, Buffy feeling quite happy as she ate her chips.

***
As the journey carried on, soon Buffy too was fast asleep. Spike didn’t take his eyes off the road for fear of hurting his precious cargo.

As they started to get closer to their destination, Spike pulled over at a pay phone. Making sure the two girls where still fast asleep he went and made the call.

As he climbed back into the car Buffy was starting to stir. Her voice was slightly groggy from sleep.

“Why’d we stop?”

“I had to make a call.” Starting the engine they set off “We are nearly there, pet. You might want to wake Niblet up.”

“Ok.” Leaning over the back of the chair she gently shook her sister, “Dawnie, its time to wake up sweetie. Spike says we are nearly there.”

Dawn slowly started to come round “Huh?”

“We are nearly there.” Buffy said again.

Sitting up Dawn looked out the window. “Where are we?”

It was Spike who spoke up “You’ll see in a sec, pigeon.”

Pulling up in a giant car-park Spike killed the engine. Getting himself out the car he then helped out Buffy and Dawn.

Outside the car both girls stretched before looking up at the grand entrance that could be seen: Disney Land.

It was Dawn who was first to speak. “Oh my god! We are going to Disney Land!” She made a loud happy noise before dancing around where she stood. Buffy and Spike both just smiled at her crazy antics.

Buffy then turned and looked at Spike with a puzzled look on her face. “Spike what are we doing at Disney? Its night time, the park is closed; we can’t go in.”

“I have a friend who owed me a favour. Relax, pet, tonight the place is solely ours. So have fun.”

“You really did this for me?” Buffy could barely contain her glee over this special gift.

“Yeah, love, it’s all yours.”

“Spike! This is wonderful. I have wanted to come to Disney Land since I was little but my parents would never take me. Now you have brought me. Thank you so much. How did you know?”

Spike suppressed a smile “Let’s just say a little bird told me.”

Deciding not to question him, Buffy instead turned and looked towards the entrance.

“Well then you two, we should set off instead of just looking at the sodding entrance.”

Smiling the two girls set off towards the entrance. Spike liked how happy Buffy looked and decided he wanted to make her this happy everyday. Placing his hand into his pocket he checked that he still hand her list, before following after the two girls. This evening was certainly going to chance a lot, for both himself and Buffy.

TBC…

*A/N: My beta wasn't sure what 'top herself' meant. So in case anyone else doesn't know it means commiting sucide. I guess people only say it that way round her. hope it didn't confuse anyone!

Chapter 6: Normal

Three months since she had been diagnosed with the tumour and Buffy was truly starting to come to terms with everything. She knew that if Spike hadn’t been by her side every minute of every day then she probably wouldn’t have made it this far. She owed Spike more than he could possibly ever know.

Her friends were helping, or at least that is what they thought they were doing. Although they were supportive of what Buffy and what she was going through they where still trying to find the magical cure, that Buffy knew didn’t exist. They never accepted Spike either and that’s what hurt Buffy the most. After everything they had done to her, what gave them the right to decide who she could and couldn’t be friends with?

Dawn on the other hand, loved Spike like a brother and was thrilled when ever Spike would take them out somewhere, which he seemed to be doing a lot. Buffy had thought that the Disney Land adventure would be a one time thing, but Spike kept coming back, surprising them again and again.

They had had so much fun that night at Disney Land. They were able to go on what ever ride they pleased and there had been no queue, it had been exactly what Buffy had wanted. Her favourite ride had been the Pirates of the Caribbean. She and Dawn had ridden that one three times. Spike it was found didn’t like the rides as much, Dawn assumed it had something to do with him being 127, and Buffy agreed with her. Spike on the other hand, did not like being reminded of his age.

After that day Spike had continued to do so much for her. She wasn’t sure exactly how he knew she wanted to do these things but she wasn’t complaining.

He had taken herself and Dawn to the Ice Capades, and not only that he, had got them front row seats. She wasn’t sure how he was pulling all these miracles; he kept saying that people, or demons technically, owed him favours; she just hoped he wasn’t putting himself in danger to please her.

Dawn had been bored at the skating. It had never been her thing, Buffy however had a wonderful time, and didn’t want to go home when it was over.

Then a few weekends ago he had taken her and Dawn on a secret excursion where they had ended up at the airport. They had then flown first class to New York, which both girls loved. Buffy again wasn’t sure how Spike had got on the plane as he didn’t have any ID, but once again she chose not to complain. When they had gotten to New York it had been snowing and the whole place had looked so magical.

The first thing Spike had taken them to Central Park. After telling her to close her eyes, he had led Buffy over to the big skating pond. Buffy had been in awe as they had spent the whole evening there. It had been funny watching Spike trying to skate. He spent more time on his bum that he did on his feet. Dawn showed a talent for skating that had amazed both sisters. They were both unaware that she had had it in her.

They had only spent a few nights in New York as they had to Dawn back to school, however Buffy could have spent a lifetime there. Going back to Sunnydale had felt like torture.

However the three months hadn’t all been fun and games. Buffy was starting to deteriorate quicker than any of them had expected. She was losing her stamina, her sentences had started to become slurred and she had started to lose sections of her hair. Despite it all, she hated when anyone would give her pity. She was still the slayer and she wouldn’t take pity from anyone.

Her friends had noticed the change in her and it scared them. Their friend who was once so strong now looked so weak. Each of them was determined to find the cure.

Giles, unable to watch her die, had gone back to England on the pretence of finding a cure there, but each knew the real reason he had gone.

Buffy started to wear wigs to cover the balding patches and wore more make-up to hide her gaunt eyes.

No matter what she looked like Spike still thought she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen—in his life or his unlife.

***
Waking up one morning, Buffy stretched out in her bed to find a single rose. Picking it up, she brought it to her nose and smelled the sweet smell of the petals. Next to the rose was a simple note written on her pink writing paper.

It simply said on it “Downstairs”

Glancing at the clock she saw that it was ten 0’clock so Dawn would already be at school.

Slipping on her slippers and her dressing gown, she tied the sash round her tight and headed downstairs. The smell of cooking assaulted her senses.

As she entered the kitchen she saw Spike stood by the stove. His back was turned to her and he seemed to be humming some form of punk song that Buffy didn’t recognise.

As he heard Buffy approach he spun around. Buffy could help but laugh as she looked at him. He was stood there wearing the most feminine apron she owed.

“Don’t laugh Missy. It’s the only one I could find.”

Trying to suppress the giggle she sat down at one of the stools at the kitchen counter.

“So what are you doing?”

“What’s it sodding look like I am doing?”

“Burning a hole in my pans?”

Spike threw the t-towel he was holding at her, which Buffy carefully caught.

“I’ll have a little less of your lip, for your information I am making you breakfast. Now sit there, shut up, and eat.”

“Yes sir.” Buffy did a mock salute before looking down at the plate Spike had put in front of her. It contains eggs, sausage, French toast, tomatoes cut into little shapes and beans.

Spike suddenly became serious “If you can’t eat it all I understand, I know you don’t have the appetite like you … well you know.” Realising he nearly said ‘used to’ he suddenly went quiet.

“It’s ok Spike, Thank you for this.” Tucking in, it wasn’t long before Buffy had finished the entire plate and two glasses of orange juice. Spike looked on amazed.

“Well then, I guess you were hungry. You go up those stairs then, go get dressed, put on your slap and meet me down here in 15 minutes. I mean it missy don’t be late.”

Hopping down from the stool she darted up the stairs.

Ten minutes later she was showered and dressed and ready for what Spike had in store.

Wearing jeans and a white tank top she headed downstairs.

However she couldn’t find Spike anywhere.

“Spike? Are you down here? Where are you?

Stepping out side onto the veranda she found Spike in the shade smoking a cigarette.

“There you are, I was looking for you.”

Throwing his cigarette butt down and crushing it under his foot he turned to look at her, surprised to see she was ready.

“Wow, is this Buffy Summers I see before my eyes. Surely not, she hasn’t been up stairs for the last half an hour.”

“Spike!” She said, hitting him in the chest as he looked at her with a smirk on his face.

“Are you ready for the day I have planned then?”

Buffy looked at him with apprehension, “Umm I think so.”

“Well then let’s be off.”

“I just need to grab my bag.” Turning towards the door again she felt Spike stop her.

“No you don’t. You won’t need any money today.” Picking his blanket up from the porch swing he then met Buffy by his car that had been parked on their drive since the trip to Disney Land.

Climbing in to the blacked out car, Buffy turned to look at Spike, “Where are we off to?”

“Like I said, love, it’s a surprise.” Starting the engine he drove off.

They only drove for about ten minutes, when Spike pulled into a big car park.

“Spike, I know you hate me and all, but bringing me to the mall when I wasn’t allowed to bring money. That’s just mean.”

Spike once again chuckled at her girly pout. “Don’t hate you love,” Parking as close to the entrance as possible, Spike grabbed his blanket off the back seat and ran to the entrance, leaving Buffy to follow after him.

Once inside he pulled the blanket off oblivious to the peculiar looks he was receiving. “Right then, where first?”

Buffy just looked at him like he had grown an extra head.

“Come on, pet, one time offer here. I’m buying.”

Buffy didn’t need to be told twice, smiling like a little girl who had just got the birthday present she had always wanted she ran off leaving Spike to trail after her.

***
After an hour and a half Buffy’s energy had evaporated. Exhausted, she slumped down into a comfy chair at Starbucks, shopping bags surrounding her feet.

Carrying the last few bags Spike went and sat in the chair opposite. “Do you want me to get you a drink, Buffy?”

Trying to get her breath back she spoke with a wheeze. “No, I’ll, be, fine. Just, need, a, moment.”

It scared Spike at times to see Buffy like this; it just showed how fast she was deteriorating. Refusing to let her see his fear, he placed the bags down by her feet and went and got her a caramel mocha despite her complaints that she didn’t need one.

As he waited for their coffees to be ready, Spike did a mental calculation in his head over how much he had spend on his girl today. It came in at around the $3000 mark. As he looked over at her sat slumped in the chair with a smile on her face like the cat who had got the cream, he knew he would spend it a thousand times over to make her that happy.

As he watched he could see that she was already trying to muster up the energy to look through her bags.

Spike knew it must be so hard for her to be this weak. She was the girl that made demons shake in their boots and now she couldn’t even shop for two hours without collapsing.

“Sir!”

The voice of the boy behind the counter brought Spike out of his thoughts. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the boy was handing him their drinks. Putting the cookie he had bought Buffy into his pocket he carefully carried the hot drinks over to the table.

“Thank you, Spike.” Knowing she meant more than just thank you for the drink, he decided not to say anything.

Empting his pockets he handed her the cookie and a handful of sugar packets. Smiling Buffy poured two into her drink.

“So, pet, what’s your favourite thing we bought today then?”

“Ohh tough question, that’s like asking my favourite child, if I had kids…you know what I mean.”

“Something you not telling me pet?” Spike raised an eyebrow at her.

“Nooo, nothing to tell there.”

“Anyway, love, you didn’t answer my question.”

“Ok, so favourite thing I bought, well you bought, umm probably the Jimmy Choo shoes. I have always wanted a pair. When I will wear them I don’t know, but they are gorgeous.”

“I’m sure we can find you a time to wear them.”

Smiling at each other they finished their drinks with comfortable easy chit chat between them, like they were old friends or even lovers.

As they finished their drinks, Spike stood up and picked up every bag in his left hand.

“Well then milady. Do you want to shop some more?”

Buffy looked torn, she wanted to shop until she dropped, but the truth was she was dropping. “I don’t know Spike.”

Spike could see the indecision written across her face. “It’s ok Buffy we can come back another day, do just as much shopping then.”

Biting her lip Buffy nodded her head, “Take me home, please.”

Helping her stand, Spike slipped his right arm around her waist and helped the flagging Buffy back to the car, and home to her bed.

***
Buffy had only just sat down on the settee when Willow came through the door.

“Oh Buffy, I am glad you are here. Oh hey, Spike.” Seeing Spike sat on the other side of the room she gave him a little wave, Spike nodded his head slightly in recognition. Turning back to Buffy, Willow went and sat down on the settee next to her.

“Look I am just going to say this. I am sorry Buffy. I know that isn’t what you want to hear but I have to say it. You are my best friend Buffy and I didn’t want to lose you; I was scared and selfish. I get that now, I do. But I miss you Buffy. I miss talking to you, sharing my secrets with you all of it. Tara and I are going through a few problems and I miss having you to talk about it with,” Tears had started to run down Willows checks now.

As she saw her friend crying, Buffy’s resolve to stay cross at her started to weaken.

“Buffy, I don’t know what you are going through, but I do want to help. I don’t mean by finding a spell, I’m done Buffy, if you don’t want me to look, I’ll stop. But I’ll still be here. I’ll be here to the very end, no matter what. You are my best friend Buffy I am not going to let you face this alone.”

Tears were now starting to run out Buffy’s eyes too. “I am not alone Will, I have Spike.”

“I know, Buffy he’s part of your life now I get that. Xander and I have been talking and he accepts it too, though he might not say it to your face. We understand. He isn’t going anywhere and none of us expect him to. He’s the best thing for you right now. I just want to be here too, Buffy.”

“Will, I want you here too. But you have to promise me you will stop looking for the magical cure that doesn’t exist. I can’t cope with you constantly telling me you might have found something then having that hope disappear. That’s worse than the cancer, Will.”

“It’s done. No more spells. I will do anything you want Buffy, anything. Just let me in, please?”

The tears were now starting to obstruct both their visions, Buffy felt her throat close up, so she just nodded.

Leaning over, Willow gave her a tight hug only letting go when she heard Spike clear his throat behind her.

“Touching as all this girly laddy da-ness is, Buffy needs to rest, Red. Do you want to go up to your bed, pet?”

“No, Spike, I’ll stay here if that’s ok? Could I have a cup of cocoa though?”

“ ‘Course. Red do you want to help me in the kitchen?”

Willow knew it wasn’t a question so much as a request. Leaving Buffy to have a little sleep she followed Spike into the kitchen.

“Look Red, Buffy does need you, but if you try anything funny, like another spell, I swear to god I will rip your head from your shoulders.”

“Spike I’m not gonna hurt her. I meant everything I said in there.”

“That’s alright then. Red I’ll need you here tonight, you and the boy, Glinda as well if she wants to come and Anya. Dress up a bit it ok?”

“Ok.” Willow looked at Spike dubiously but he was giving no more away.

Making the cocoa he took it to Buffy leaving Willow stood there alone in the kitchen.

***
At exactly 7.30 p.m. Xander knocked on the door, Spike went to open it. Seeing Spike stood there Xander sneered before pushing past him and went and sat down on the settee. Anya followed in behind him.

“So, captain peroxide, where’s Buffster and Will?”

“Getting sodding ready, you nit.”

Huffing, Xander turned away from Spike, but not before Spike heard him whisper to Anya, “You sure he’s the right thing for Buffy, ‘cause I don’t think she is thinking too clearly at the moment.”

“Xander shut up. If Buffy wants him as her ogasaming friend then that’s her choice. You aren’t her boyfriend, Xander, you’re mine, start acting like it.”

Spike smiled to himself that Xander thought he and Buffy where having sex. If he saw her for longer than half and hour he would have seen that she didn’t have the stamina for sex. Seeing how the thought of the two of them together was getting his knickers in such a twist, though, he decided not to correct him. Walking out the lounge he went up the stairs and went and knocked of Buffy’s door.

“It’s me. You ready yet pet?”

“Come in, Spike.”

Pushing the door open, he saw Buffy sat at her dressing table. She was wearing a knee length black skirt and floaty white top and the new Jimmy Choo shoes she had bought that morning and loved so much. She had attached a small hair piece to her head to hide the slight hair loss and she wore minimal make-up. Overall she looked radiant.

“Spike, I’m not so sure about this.” Indecision surrounded her face.

“Buffy, trust me, you look bloody gorgeous. I just wish I could come with you tonight to fight off all the wankers that think they can dance with you.”

Buffy suddenly looked shocked “You’re not coming?!”

“No, love. Tonight it’s just you and your friends. I am going to be demon hunting. Tonight, pet, there are no demons. Tonight you are simply Buffy Summers.”

Buffy understood what he was saying, he was giving her something she had wanted for a long time, the chance to be normal.

Smiling she stood up, giving Spike one last smile she walked past him she went into Willow’s room.

Collecting their things, Spike watched as they all left the house smiling. Buffy looked happier than he had seen her in a long time. Tonight she wasn’t Buffy Summers, Chosen One doomed to save the earth from demons, tonight she was Buffy Summers 20-year-old having a good time with her friends.

Taking the list out of his pocket he crossed off number 4 and 6. Five down, four to go.

TBC…

Chapter 7: The past

As Buffy lay in bed she stared at the ceiling. Although the last four months had been the scariest and most truly terrifying thing she had ever had to encounter, with Spike’s help they had also been the most fun.

He had pulled out all the stops to make sure she did everything she ever wanted. Ever since that day he had found her in her bed, he had moved in and become a permanent resident at 1630 Revello drive.

However Buffy knew there was something she had to do and she wouldn’t be able to put it off any longer. He had to know.

Pulling herself out of bed, a task that was getting harder and harder each day, Buffy went into the bathroom and ran herself hot bath. Sinking into the deep water she laid there and tired to imagine what his reaction would be.

Sitting up she scrubbed her body, before stepping carefully out the bath and drying herself. Looking at her reflection she didn’t recognise the girl stood before her. She was so different from the one who had stood her just over a year ago.

Her twenty first birthday was approaching in a few weeks and for once Buffy dreaded it, she dreaded what it would bring, would she even be around to see it. The way things where going it seemed doubtful. Despite that she was determined to make the most out of each day.

Walking back to her bedroom with the towel wrapped tightly around her she let it drop when she reached her room. Opening her underwear, draw she picked out a matching set of underwear; she seemed to be doing that a lot lately. As she put it on she didn’t even realise she had put on Spike favourite colour.

Walking over to her wardrobe she picked out a pair of loose fitting combats and a black jumper. Digging out a pair of black trainers from the back of her wardrobe she then went over to her dressing table that now looked more like a hair dressers than a dressing table.

Picking the wig that was most like her natural hair Buffy looked fondly on the others that sat on the table. Buffy and Willow had gone shopping one day and bought every ludicrous wig they could find. Buffy knew she would hardly ever wear half of them as she felt like she was off Alias, but they were still nice to have.

Securing the wig she had chosen she put it on and then tied in into a ponytail.

Taking one last look at herself in the mirror, she smiled at herself. The girl in front of her looked strong, stronger than Buffy had felt in a long time.

Time to go and tell him.

Picking up her denim jacket she went downstairs to go and find Spike.

***
When she couldn’t find him anywhere on the downstairs level she headed into the kitchen and down into the basement were they had sent a room up for Spike as it got no sunshine.

On the small bed at the bottom of the stairs, laid Spike, he wore no shirt and a sheet covered his hips, but Buffy had a slight suspicion he wasn’t wearing anything under there either. His eyes were closed in peaceful surrender and his usually gelled back hair was mussed up and curly. He looked so innocent that Buffy couldn’t help wondering what he would have been like when he was alive.

Deciding to let sleeping vampires lie, at east until she had a bribe, she sneaked quietly back up the stairs, never noticing that as she did Spike opened one of his eyes.

***
Back in the kitchen, Buffy took down one of the cups from the cupboard. Placing down on the counter she went over to the fridge and took out the jar of blood that was in it.

As she watched the blood pouring into the cup, making the perfect white china change to a deep red, Buffy wondered if her blood would taste poisoned now. Now she was diseased would a vampire be able to taste it through her blood?

Placing the mug into the microwave she was broken out of her thoughts by the beep, telling her it was done.

Carefully taking the hot drink out she stuck the thermometer in to make sure that it was the right temperature.

Placing it onto a tray so she didn’t spill any of it she went and carried it down to the basement. She was surprised to see Spike sat up on his bed when she went back down. He was now also wearing pants.

“I guess you heard me when I came down first time then?”

“With those elephant feet, nah.” Buffy hear the sarcasm in his voice.

“Ha ha very funny.” Giving him to mug she went and sat down next to him.

“Sorry, love vampire hearing.” Smiling he looked across at her, she looked deep in thought. “So, pet, what brings you down here on this fine morning with offerings of blood?”

Buffy turned to look at him, he was studying her carefully. “Spike I need to ask you something but you have to promise not to get cross.”

Spike could sense that she was nervous. “Sure love, fire away.”

“Will you drive me to LA?”

“What?” Spike sat up a little straighter, Peaches lived in LA and he knew he would gut Spike if he thought for even a second that he had been near his girl.

“You heard me Spike. He deserves to know. You know he does. I have to tell him. Please will you take me Spike?”

“You know Buffy there is this new invention called a phone, where you can call him. Then none of us have to go to LA and risk losing our bits.”

“Spike, Its not really the kind of thing I can ring up and just say. ‘Gee Angel haven’t spoke to you in a while, how have you been? Me? Oh I have cancer only have a few more months to live.’ Not really the kind of thing you do over the phone. It has to be done in person, please understand. I have to do this. I can’t put it off any longer.”

Seeing her forlorn look, Spike sighed, “Fine I’ll take you. But we wait until nightfall. I have had enough near sizzle incidents recently.”

Smiling Buffy stood up, “Thank you Spike. Thank you for understanding.” With that she picked up the tray and walked back up the stairs.”

Watching as she went up the stairs, Spike took a deep breath and took in her scent that now filled the room. She was definitely doing something to him, he just wasn’t sure if she knew it yet.

He would do anything for her, walk across hot bloody coals if it would make her happy.

Knowing it would be a long night he placed the now empty mug down on the floor and laid back down on his small cot. Closing his eyes he wished for sleep to come.

Falling into a restless sleep he dreamt about Angel and fighting him over Buffy.

***
At half past seven, Buffy put on her thick coat, hoping that its bulkiness would hide her tiny frame. She didn’t want Angel knowing just how bad it had gotten.

Spraying more perfume on she went and waited downstairs for Spike to emerge from the basement.

At ten minutes to eight he walked through from the kitchen.

“Blimey, pet. How much perfume have you put on, trying to gas me or something?”

Buffy gave him a sheepish look. “Sorry Spike. Its just you said you could smell when something isn’t right with me, which means Angel will be able to, too. I don’t want him knowing before I tell him. I was hoping that the mass of perfume would mask the smell.”

“Buffy, pet, it will only mask it until he is used to it. Once his senses adapt to it, he will smell the real you loud and clear, kitten. I already can.”

“I know. I’m just hoping that his senses adapting as you put it, it will give me time to tell him. He does deserve to know from me, and not from his stupid vampire senses.”

“Suppose. Least he doesn’t have to sit in a car with you all stinky of perfume for the next hour or so.”

Buffy looked up shyly. “Sorry Spike, I forgot about that.”

“It’s alright, pet. I’ll live, well unlive, you know what I mean.” Picking up his duster from the coat stand he threw it on. “Well come on lets get this show on the road.”

Picking up his car keys they left the house together.

***
When they were within a few minutes of the hotel, Spike saw Buffy start to fidget in her seat, wringing her hands in front of her. Reaching over he held one of her hands tightly in his, causing her to look at him.

“Relax pet, he’ll understand.”

“I know. It’s just not the kind of thing I ever thought I would be telling him.”

Letting go of her hand, he placed his back on the steering wheel. “Do you want me to come in with you?”

“Nah. I think maybe it’s best if you stay in the car Spike. It means a lot to me that you would come in with me, but I think it will just make things more complicated all round if you were to show up.”

Spike nodded his head in understanding. “Well, pet here we are.” Pulling up outside the Hyperion Hotel he killed the engine. “Good luck, luv.”

Giving him a forced smile, Buffy stepped out the car. Pulling her coat tighter round herself to ward of the chill that seemed to settle round her, she walked towards the main entrance.

***
Angel sat in his office, searching through police file after police file, in hopes of finding the guy he was looking for. So far it had wielded no luck.

Placing the files down, he was about to reach over for the mug of blood that sat next to him, when he heard a noise in the foyer. Inhaling to see if it was a scent he recognised his senses were assaulted by a cheap perfume, unknown to him.

Silently picking up the long sword that sat next to him, he slipped gracefully of the chair and crept into the foyer.

Stepping round the corner, sword raised, he nearly dropped it when he saw who stood in the middle of the room.

“Buffy?”

Hearing his voice, Buffy looked up from staring at the floor into his deep drown eyes. “Hey Angel.”

Neither moved as the stood staring at each other. Finally it was Buffy who broke the silence. “It’s your turn to say something Angel. Unlike you I can’t stand here staring at each other for all eternity.”

This snapped Angel out of his Buffy educed daze. “What are you doing in my city Buffy?”

“You’re right I should have realised that you wouldn’t want me here. Not after everything. I’ll go.” Bottling it, Buffy turned to leave, only to have Angel stop her.

“Buffy wait! I didn’t mean it like that. I was just surprised to see you here. What are you doing here?”

Looking him right in the eye, she let her body language relax as she felt her tension start to drain. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”

***
Sat out in the small courtyard garden, Buffy looked up at the sky. The stars were masked by the heavy layer of pollution, but like when she was a child, Buffy pretended she could still see them; they were entrances to other worlds. Ways to escape.

Picking on of the flowers of the bush next to her she twiddled it between her fingers. Angel had suggested they talk outside and Buffy had welcomed the idea. She liked being out away from the stuffiness of the hotel. Despite all its rooms she still felt claustrophobic in it.

“What’s wrong Buffy? Why are you in LA?”

Hearing Angel’s voice next to her, it seemed so distant yet so close. Staring at the flower, Buffy felt tears well in her eyes. “I’m sick Angel.”

“Sick?” Angel was unsure what Buffy was trying to tell him, he couldn’t smell anything wrong with her.

“And I am not going to get better.”

“Buffy I don’t understand what you are saying. What’s wrong? Why won’t you get better? Why are you telling me this?” As he stared at her the perfume started to melt into the background and for the first time since she had shown up at the hotel he smelt the real her, and something was seriously wrong.

“Angel please.” Buffy stared at him with teary eyes, begging him not to get angry. “I have what Mom got. I have the tumour too.”

“What about surgery, couldn’t they…”

“It’s too late Angel. They can’t do anything.”

“But they must. They can’t just let you die.” Angel was on his feet now, pacing in front of her, barely able to understand what she was telling him.

“I have accepted it Angel. I am not scared anymore. The doctors can’t do anything, I understand that.”

“Well we will find another way then.” Walking past her he walked into his office leaving Buffy to follow after him. “We’ll go to the trial, go see Lorne. I won’t give in Buffy, we will beat this.”

“Angel no.” Tears now steamed down her face.

“I won’t let you die Buffy, not again. There will be a way to save you.” Walking to his bookcase he pulled over three books spreading them out on his desk.

“Angel stop. Please. This isn’t the way.”

“No Buffy, when Darla was dying we went to the trial. I’ll do the same for you. We can stop this. Make you well again.”

Trying to follow him round his office as he looked from book to book. Buffy finally caught his arm. “Angel. I accepted it, please don’t make this harder. There’s nothing Angel. We have tried. Do you think I just gave up? Is that what you think I did? Do you think I wanted to die! Angel I tried, we tried to find a cure we really tried.” Collapsing on the floor at his feet, she let the sobs wrack through her body. “But I am just so tired of fighting now. I don’t want to fight anymore. Please Angel. Don’t make me fight anymore. Please, please.”

Sinking to the floor next to her, Angel held her as she cried on his shoulder. “I’m sorry Buffy. I guess I’m just not ready to lose you. You are the only girl I ever truly loved. The thought of you not being here hurts me more than I care to admit. I wanted to do something. I understand though Buffy. And if this is the way that you want it to be then I accept that. No more searching.”

“Thank you.” Sitting back up from his embrace, she wiped her wet face with the back of her hand.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

***
Half an hour later they were sat back out in the courtyard, Buffy was staring back at the stars. She held a hot cup of tea between her hands. She had told Angel about how they had discovered it, what the doctor had said, at least what she could remember. She had missed the parts with Spike. As she had told him in the car, she didn’t want to complicate things more.

Angel for his part had sat patiently and listened as Buffy recalled what she was going through. She had removed her thick coat to allow him to see her thin frame. Although shocked he didn’t say a word.

“And that’s where we are now. I thought you should know.”

“Thank you Buffy for telling me. I know this wasn’t easy. How long do you have…” He let his voice trail off.

“Left? About 2-3 months. If I am lucky. I really am ok Angel. It’s the best way.”

“I’m sorry Buffy.”

“Really Angel, I’m ok. I promise.” Smiling she cupped his check.

“Do you want me to come back to Sunnydale?”

“It’s best if you stay here. You have your own battles to fight. Thank you for the offer though.” Glancing the clock she realised she had been there for nearly three hours. “I should…” Glancing at the gate, Angel understood what she meant.

Standing up they shared a moment, each just looking at the other, knowing this would be the last time they would probably ever see each other again. Neither said a word. Finally Buffy turned away. Zipping her coat back on, she turned away from Angel and started to walk back to the gates.

“Buffy?” Hearing him call her name she turned back to face him. “One last question, what’s Spike in all of this?”

“Spike?”

“I can smell him all over you.”

“Oh. Spike is… it’s complicated. He’s… helping.” A small smile came to her face as she thought of Spike.

“Do you love him? Because last time I checked he was a killer Buffy.”

“He’s different now Angel. Anyway you were a killer once and I still loved you.”

“Do you love him?”

Buffy sighed and realised she owed Angel the truth. “I don’t know. I don’t know what he means to me. He has helped me so much, I feel like I can’t live without him now. But love? I don’t know yet Angel.”

“When you know, would you let me know?” Angel knew that Buffy had feelings for his childe, she just didn’t know it herself yet.

Smiling a small smile at Angel, Buffy turned and walked out the gates and to her waiting Spike.

TBC…..

Chapter 8: Heaven

As Buffy climbed back into Spike’s Desoto, her whole body sagged.

“Well? How’d it go, pet?” Spike looked at her with concerned eyes.

“Terribly,” She saw Spike look at her with raised eyebrows. “Ok, not terribly. He freaked at first, but that was to be expected, wasn’t it? I managed to calm him. He understands my decision, I think. At least I hope he does.” Sighing she sank further into the seat.

“Is that all you talked about?” Spike was eager to know if Angel had picked up on his scent. He knew it must have been intoxicating to him, just like Angel’s scent was on her now. Hell it was drowning her. If Angel did know, Spike knew he should maybe start considering leaving the country. He knew of Angel’s wrath, and it could be fierce if provoked.

“No, that’s all we talked about.” Buffy wasn’t ready to tell Spike about the last thing they had spoken about.

Unable to tell if she was lying, Spike let the subject drop. “Well then, should we get you home?”

“Yes please!” It was the best suggestion that she had heard all night.

Starting the engine, they silently drove back to Sunnydale.

***

Spike watched her sleep the following day. She had curled up into a little ball on the settee and was snoring gently. Despite looking so weak and frail she still looked like an angel in his eyes and he knew she always would.

As she tossed and turned slightly in her sleep, Spike could see that she was pouting and was curious as to what she was dreaming of. Leaning back in his seat he took out the list that he carried faithfully with him at all time now.

He had several items still to accomplish. Namely number five, Buffy longed to travel. He knew that since she had become the slayer she had hardly ever left Sunnydale and never once gone further than Los Angeles.

All that was left was to decide where he was going to take her. He knew that her stamina would not allow her to travel too far. However he wanted to take her to Europe, he knew she had never been and he longed to show her.

Taking the blanket of the back of the settee, he placed it gently over the sleeping slayer. She sighed in pleasure and snuggled up deeper into the blanket.

Walking up the stairs two at a time he walked along the landing and knocked lightly on Dawn’s door. He waited until he heard her call him in before opening the door.

Dawn was sat at her desk studying for her school work. Her hair was pinned up on her head and she was studying intently. Putting her pen down, she turned towards the door when she heard it open. She looked at Spike as he entered the room.

“I’m going out for a little bit, Niblet. Big sis is asleep downstairs, keep an eye on her will you? Red said she would be round soon. You’ll be ok?”

Dawn just sighed. “Spike, I’m 15-years-old. I can be alone in the house. Anyway I’m not alone, Buffy is here. Where are you going though?”

Spike just smiled at her, “Can’t tell you that, Pigeon, it’s a secret.”

Dawn was intrigued, jumping up from her desk she went to stand in front of Spike, hoping that he would tell her. “Does it have to do with Buffy?”

Spike gave her a cheeky smile and tapped his nose, before walking out the room and closing the door behind him.

“Spike!” Dawn sighed and sank down onto her bed; Spike could be so secretive when he wanted to be.

Walking down the stairs again, Spike glanced again at the sleeping slayer. Pulling the blanket up closer to her chin, he placed a chaste kiss on her forehead before walking out of the house and into the chilly night air.

***
Walking down the main street, Spike contemplated his choices. Earlier he had gone to see his contact, the one that owed him a favour—the last one that owed him one. Spike had spared the guys life once, or at least that’s what the guy thought. The truth was the night he had stumbled across Spike, Spike had just eaten a whole pack of tourist and couldn’t have eaten the guy even if he had wanted to. The guy thought, that Spike was letting him go and had offered him a favour in return. Spike was now ready to collect on that debt.

However the snivelling little weasel had told him that he could only take Spike and his girl as far as Canada.

Spike was now very confused as to what to do. He knew he wanted to take Buffy further than Canada, but he didn’t know how to get her there. That was his last favour that he had left.

Sitting on the bench outside the local club he watched as the bouncers asked the cute girl for her I.D. Suddenly it hit him, if he couldn’t take Buffy away mystically he would just have to do it the old fashion way.

Standing up, Spike wrapped his duster tightly around himself and strode of in the direction of his contact for the second time that night. For once he was grateful he had kept a check on his temper and hadn’t killed the guy when he had wanted to. Buffy would be proud.

***
An hour later and Spike was now the proud owner of three pieces of fake ID. He possessed a birth certificate, a passport and a driving license all announcing him as Mr. Sanguinante, all he would ever need to get him out of the country legally.

“So umm, Mr Spike,” Spike glanced up from his passport to look over his shoulder at the guy hovering behind him. “This makes, us… umm… you know, equal… umm yes?”

Spike just stared at the short guy, making him feel uncomfortable. The guy was stick thin yet wore a large baggy jumper and baggy jeans. He seemed to have a permanent runny nose and choppy ginger hair. He looked like the geek that he was. Staring at him Spike remembered the other reason he hadn’t eaten him in the first place, the guy was the most unappetising thing possible.

As he started to shift from foot to foot, getting more and more nervous the more Spike stared at him, Spike finally looked back down at his passport, effectively dismissing him. “Yeah mate, makes us even. You can push off now.

The geek laughed nervously as Spike gave him an evil look as though he wanted to eat him when he didn’t move straight away. “Ok, well I’ll… umm… get out of your way… umm Mr. Spike. It was good doing business with you.” With that the guy turned away from Spike and walked in the opposite direction at a very fast pace.

Spike chuckled at the guy’s actions, humans could be so pathetic.

Staring at the picture in his passport, Spike wondered if his hair actually did look as gimpy as it was being portrayed, and why no one had ever told him as much. The picture on his driver’s license had been digitally altered to make him look like he was much younger than what he was now. The picture made him laugh; he knew that he had looked nothing like that when he was actually that age. The picture made him look like an even bigger punk than he was now, as apposed to the Victorian boy he had been at that age.

Slipping the three items into his duster pocket, he stepped back out in to the cool night air.

So now he had the passport and identification, only one more thing stood in his way. Money.

Spike knew he had enough set aside to take one, possibly two people, but not accommodation and the likes as well. Slumping down on the nearest bench, Spike considered his options.

He could try his hand at a game of poker for the money, but he knew that there was no way that Buffy would approve of him gambling, even if it was for her. She especially wouldn’t be thankful for his gambling given the way he gambled, he wasn’t exactly fair to the other players. The other minor flaw in that plan was that most of the ‘people’ he played poker with played for kittens and they weren’t much use when it came to paying for hotels in Europe.

He could always scare people for the money; he had gotten good at that when he had first been chipped. However he had a feeling that Buffy wouldn’t approve of that way of gaining money either.

Sitting on the bench, he spread his hands in front of him. Suddenly his attention caught on the ring on his finger. The ring had belonged to Billy Idol, and could be seen in numerous photo shoots the singer had attended, the pictures were worldwide. Spike had stolen it off him as penance for stealing his look. He knew it would be worth a lot of money to collectors and fans alike these days.

That’s it!

Spike stood up with flourish, he knew exactly where to get the money. Standing up he walked back to Revello Drive, or more specifically, his car.

***
Pulling his keys out of his pocket he was about to unlock his boot, when Dawn darted out of the house.

“Hey Spike. Where have you been? You have been gone ages.”

“It’s a surprise Niblet, so you go back into the house.” Sighing Spike turned back to the car.

Dawn suddenly turned serious, “Buffy was asking for you.” Stunned Spike turned back to face her. “She can sense when you aren’t there, Spike. She cried when we said we didn’t know where you had gone. She can’t seem to function if you aren’t by her side. She’s a mess Spike, she needs you.”

Abandoning his car, Spike strode past Dawn and into the house. Taking the stairs two at a time he stopped in front of her door. Lightly knocking on it, he gently pushed it open.

Buffy laid on the bed; her body covered in a fine layer of sweat, the sheets twisted around her legs. Her arms where thrown above her head as she tossed about on the bed.

Shocked by what he saw, Spike threw off his duster and went and kneeled by the side of the bed, placing a cooling hand on her burning forehead.

“Shhh, love, I’m here now.”

Turning her head, she slowly opened her puffy eyes and looked at him. A thin tired smile graced her lips.

“Spike?” Her voice sounded exhausted.

Brushing the hair that was wet from sweat away from her face, he looked at the girl in front of him, with love in his eyes.

“Yeah, pet, I’m here. What’s wrong, Kitten? What’s brought all this on?”

“Where did you go? I couldn’t find you.” This Buffy was so much like a little child it broke his heart.

“I’m sorry baby, I had to go out. I’m here now though, not going anywhere. You get some sleep. I’ll still be here.”

“Okay.” Although she noted the affectionate pet name he had called her, Buffy didn’t call him on it. She liked the way it sounded coming from his lips. Rolling over she closed her eyes; finally able to sleep now that her Spike was at her side.

As Buffy was just on the threshold of sleep, Spike leant over and whispered in her ear. “I’ll just be downstairs I won’t be far away. I’m here if you need me Kitten.” Leaning slightly further over he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and another on her shoulder before silently leaving the room.

Back downstairs Spike got back to his task at hand. Dawn hovered behind him like a fly that wouldn’t go away. Spike knew he wouldn’t be able to get rid of her, so he let her stay, with the promise that she told no one.

Standing behind his car he slowly lifted the lid of his boot. Dawn squinted hard to look over his shoulder, standing up on tiptoes to get a better view. However she saw nothing of importance in there. All that was in Spike’s boot was a few old empty oilcans and a bottle of whiskey. Pulling a face she stared at Spike’s back.

“Spike, there’s nothing there, not anything that’s going to make you lots of money, anyway.”

“Patience Niblet.” Staring intently at the boot, he placed his hand in and fumbled about a bit, before he found what he was looking for. Suddenly a compartment lifted up, revealing to Dawn’s astonished eyes a collection of items Spike had collected since becoming a vampire.

“Wow!”

Spike looked over at the shocked Dawn, amused. Finding what he was looking for, he leaned over and pulled out a rectangular shaped parcel wrapped in one Drusilla’s old shawls.

Placing it carefully by his feet, he shut the boot again covering his treasures from the world once again, effectively snapping Dawn out of her trance.

Looking at Spike, she saw him walking back to the house carrying the thing that he had removed under his arm.

“Spike what’s that? Spike?” Trailing after him he just carried on walking. “Spike!”

“Shh, pigeon, you’ll wake big sis.”

“I’ll be quiet if you show me what’s in there. Well will you show me what’s in it?” Dawn looked at him with pleading eyes.

“Fine,” Stopping he turned to look at her, “It’s from soon after I was turned. I’d do anything to please my dark goddess. Well she had a thing for having her portrait painted. I’d threaten, they’d paint, it was a good deal.”

Slowly moving back the shawl, he revealed to Dawns wide eyes a fabulous painting, of what she could only assume was Drusilla.

“She particularly liked this artist.” Spike turned Dawn’s attention to the signature at the bottom of the painting, causing her eyes to open wider.

“Picasso.”

***
The following day after assuring Buffy that he wouldn’t be long, he walked out of the house with the parcel under his arm and a blanket over his head. He didn’t want to burst into flames half way there after all, that would really put a dampener on the trip.

An hour later Spike stepped out of the art dealers’ auction and into the shade sans painting, but $496,000 richer. He knew that he could have gotten more for it, as other Picasso paintings had sold for millions, but at the moment he needed the money; he had another one in his boot anyway. He knew the buyer as well, so he could easily just steal it back, if and when he needed to.

Looking at his watch he knew that he had time to go and buy the tickets before he promised he would go back to Buffy. Throwing the blanket over his head he ran to the travel agent’s a few doors down.

***
That night Spike surprised Buffy with the tickets; she was over come with emotion. It was the most amazing thing anyone had ever done for her. She didn’t know how he had gotten the money, but she wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Thank you Spike, this means so much to me.” Spike was slightly taken aback as she hugged him tight, tighter than he would have thought her capable of. Pulling back she looked at him. “When do we go?”

“Tomorrow, pet. Thought the sooner the better. Niblet will be okay here with Red, I checked. Glinda is going to take care of her as well.”

“Oh Spike you have taken care of everything. Thank you so much! I have always wanted to go to Europe.” Standing up she started to dance round the living room, clutching the tickets to her chest.

She looked more full of life than she had in a long time. “Dawn!” Spike flinched at the loud yell that emitted from her. As Dawn came trundling down the stairs, Spike vanished into the kitchen to fix himself some blood.

“Dawnie, honey. I need your help to pack. Spike is taking me away.”

“Really!” Dawn could see her sister’s excitement and couldn’t help getting excited too. “Where’s he taking you?”

“Europe!” Buffy couldn’t help the little excited squeal that came out as she said it.

“Really? Wow. For how long?”

“Oh” Buffy got a puzzled look on her face, she hadn’t asked Spike that. “Spike! How long are we going for?”

“Ten days.” Came the call back from the kitchen.

“Cool!” Both girls spoke in unison. “Dawn will you help me pack?”

At Dawn’s nod, both girls headed back up the stairs, and the downstairs was left in peace and quiet again.

***
Spike hadn’t had any problems getting through customs with his fake ID, and they had now been in Italy for nine days and Buffy was starting to re-pack her things to go home. She had really enjoyed her holiday, and though it had been tiring and had really taken it out of her Buffy had had the best time she could possible imagine. They had done all the conventional tourist things, as well as some unconventional things. Buffy really had fulfilled her wish to travel.

When they had got there, Spike and Buffy had had separate rooms, as that’s what Spike had thought would be best. However Buffy soon found that she couldn’t sleep without Spike near by. So on the second night he had slept in her room on the settee. They had had this arrangement for two days. However on the third night she had taken pity on him, and he had slept in her bed. He had acted like a perfect gentleman and had kept to himself and Buffy had had the best night’s sleep.

Packing the last bag, she zipped it up and turned to look at Spike who was sat on the edge of the bed, reading one the travel leaflets.

“Well then sir, what shall we do for our last few hours here?”

Placing the leaflet down, Spike looked at Buffy with a smile on his face. “I’ve got a surprise for you.”

Taking hold of her hand, he picked up her coat from the bed and led her out of the hotel. Buffy never once uttered a word of complaint.

***
Two hours later, Buffy and Spike were alone stood on top of Mount Blanc. Up there Buffy felt so at peace, as though none of her problems existed.

Spike looked at her sheepishly as though gauging her reaction. “It’s the closest I could do to heaven I’m afraid.” Looking down at the floor, Spike kicked at the snow. “You hate it, its lame I know.”

“Spike,” Reaching out her hand, she held his face so that he had to look at her. “It’s wonderful. Thank you.”

As she looked at the serene world around her, the tears began to fall. Spike watched as she started to crumble and held her in a tight hug, holding her close to him.

“Hey now, pet, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“Spike, I’m scared.”

Holding her closer to him, he soothed her. “What’s got you scared baby?”

“I’m scared of all of this Spike, I’m scared of dying. What if I don’t go back Spike?” This was the first time she had told anyone of her greatest fear, and she was telling it to her mortal enemy. Except he wasn’t her enemy anymore. Buffy knew deep down he hadn’t really been her enemy for a long time now, he was something more to Buffy, she just wasn’t sure what.

Spike didn’t need to ask to know what she was talking about. Buffy was scared she wouldn’t go back to heaven. “Buffy, you listen to me,” Holding her at arms distance he looked deep into her eyes, making sure she knew he meant the truth. “You are the most amazing person I have ever known, and I have been around a long time. I have seen your strength and your kindness. It shines through in everything you do. The light coming from you is so bright it burns. Though you don’t realise it, you bare your heart and soul, and hope it doesn’t get bruised. You’re the woman I love Buffy. You’re one hell of a woman. As for whether you will go back. I have no doubt that you WILL go back to heaven and you shouldn’t doubt it either Buffy. You’re an angel already; you just haven’t been given your wings yet.”

The tears started to fall again, except this time they fell from her being overwhelmed and not through fear.

Placing a kiss to her forehead, he pulled her towards him to give her another tight hug. Buffy didn’t try to pull away from him she just hugged him back.

As they pulled apart, Buffy looked into his eyes. Looking at him she told him exactly what her heart was telling her, what it had been telling her for some time now. “Spike, I love you.”

Spike heart swelled as he heard her. He knew she spoke the truth, he could see it on her face.

Turning away from him, they both just stared out at the world below them, dreading going back to Sunnydale, yet at the same time, both just filled with a sense of love and tenderness. Silently they just stood there, holding hands. Buffy was finally ready to let go.

***
It was late on the Sunday night when Buffy and Spike arrived back in Sunnydale. Quietly so that they didn’t wake anyone they entered the house. Leaving the suitcases downstairs they quietly climbed the stairs together, still holding tightly onto each others hands.

Letting go of Spikes hand, she quietly opened Dawn’s bedroom door. Her sister was fast asleep on her bed. Tiptoeing over to her, Buffy leaned over and placed a kiss on her sister’s forehead making sure that she didn’t wake her. “I love you, Dawnie.”

She then quietly went back out to the hall, where Spike stood waiting for her.

“Well I should get going back down to the basement, you should get some sleep.”

“Yeah” Buffy looked down at her feet.

Trying not to look downtrodden Spike turned and walked away.

“Spike,” Hearing Buffy call his name he turned back to her.

“Would you stay with me?” Buffy looked shy to ask.

“Sure.” Smiling, Spike took her hand once again and together they walked to Buffy’s room. Once the door was shut she turned back to him, “Spike? Would you make love to me?” Buffy looked into his face with big saucer eyes, which brimmed with tears.

Instead of answering her, Spike leant down and placed a kiss on her lips.

That night, Buffy made love with the man she loved. It was sweet and tender and everything she had always wanted. Their movements were slow and it reflected the love that they felt for each other. Buffy got what she had always wanted; she’d fallen in love with the perfect man.

As they drifted off to sleep, it would be the last night anyone would see Buffy alive. As she lay tranquil in her lover’s arms, she finally gave up the fight her body had been waging for the last few months. She was finally at total peace. A sense of calm washed over the house.

Spike felt as her soul left her body. Buffy was at peace and was going back to where she belonged, she was going home. Kissing her forehead one last time, he gently laid her still body down next to him.

Looking at her list one last time before tucking into her hand, he knew he had helped her to accomplish all her dreams. A single tear fell down his face, as he said his final goodbyes to the woman he loved.

The End (Except for the epilogue)

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Acceptus epilogue
 
Buffy kissed Spike slowly along his jaw bone, before slowly working her way to his lips. Parting them, her tongue danced with his, as her slender hands ran across his arms.
 
His hands worked their way into her hair, the kisses where sweet and gentle and showed nothing of the hate they once knew for each other, they showed only their love.
 
Breaking away from the kiss, Buffy looked directly into Spikes eyes. "Goodbye Spike."
 
+++
Spike sat bolt up right in the bed. It had been a dream. The kisses had felt so real, but now he was awake the harsh reality came crashing down on him.
 
Buffy wasn't there led in the bed with him. Buffy would never lie in a bed with him again. Today was the worst day of Spikes entire existence. Today was the day they let Buffy go, and this time he knew she wouldn't be coming back.
 
Leaning over he looked at the picture he had of her by the side of the bed. She looked so young in the picture, her long golden locks he had dreamed about, flowed over her shoulders. This is the way Buffy would want people to remember her. Not as the sick person she had been in her last few weeks.
 
Turning over he closed his eyes. Hoping to get a couple more hours sleep before he had to face the moment he was dreading. Closing his eyes, he dreamed that Buffy’s warm body was led next to him, giving his dead body heat again.
 
+++
Dawn could not sleep again. She had been unable to sleep ever since her sister had left this mortal plain. No one should ever have to watch their sister die twice. It was more than Dawn could take.
 
Tossing in the bed again, Dawn finally gave up on sleep. Getting out of the bed, she put her dressing gown on and went down to the kitchen to go and get herself a drink.
 
Once down in the kitchen, Dawn found she still couldn’t escape the feeling of pain that followed her everywhere she went. Her sisters presences was everywhere in the house and it killed Dawn to know she would never feel her close again.
 
Unable to stand the pain any more, she opened the door down to the basement. It was the only place in the house where her sister’s soul wasn’t overwhelming, plus down on the basement there was Spike. Spike, the only person who wasn’t fussing over her every waking second, Spike, the only person was made her feel safe.
 
Walking down the stairs she saw Spike led on his little cot. Carefully so as not to wake him she went down the stairs. Taking the blanket from on top of the washer she went and curled up by the washing the smelt of her sister and went to sleep.
 
+++
When Spike woke up later that day, he sensed another person in the room. Sitting up he let his eyes train to the darkness, he saw little bit curled up in the corner.
 
Walking over to her he gently tapped her on the shoulder. “Hey Nibblet.”
 
Opening her eyes, she looked into the kind face of Spike. “Hey.”
 
“Couldn’t sleep again?”
 
Dawn looked down guiltily. "Sorry."
 
"Don't apologies Niblet. It’s to be expected. You might feel easier after today." They both knew that what he said was a lie. They both knew that nothing would be easier after today or any other day, but the lie made them both smile.
 
"Thank you Spike." Standing up she rearranged the laundry that she had been led on. "I should get back upstairs before anyone wonders where I have gone. Aren’t you coming upstairs?”
 
“Nah, don’t think I am welcome. I’ll stay down here, if you need me you can come and find me little bit.”
 
Suddenly Dawn looked unsure, studying her feet she refused to look up at him. “You are coming tonight aren’t you? It’s just I can’t do it without you.”
 
“I’ll be there, don’t worry. Now you get back upstairs.”
 
Sighing, Dawn gave him one last look before going up. The house was deadly silent, even though Dawn knew everyone was awake.
 
Silently she made her way back up to her bedroom, the stairs creaked on the way up, making Dawn silently curse at it breaking the spell of silence over the house. As she reached her bedroom, she stopped with her hand on her door. Retracting her hand, she turned away from her door, there was something that she had to do. She had to try and let her sister go.
 
Walking down the hall, she walked into her Buffy’s room. The room was exactly as it has been the night she had died. Her perfume still clung in the air and the curtains where still closed. The only change that had been made in the whole room was that the bed had been made. After her sister’s body had been removed Tara and Willow had made the bed. The room had then been shut off and no one had since gone in. It had become like a shrine to Buffy Summers.
 
Walking over to the window, Dawn forcefully opened the curtains. Suddenly the room was flooded with light. The light landed directly on a picture that had been taken last summer when they had all gone for a picnic together.
 
The picture had Buffy, surrounded by Dawn, Xander, Willow, Tara, Anya and Giles. Smiling Dawn remembered the happy day they had had. They had learnt to put the camera on timer and then had all got into the picture, Xander had made some silly remake and everyone had been laughing when the camera finally went off. The picture showed the happiness they had all shared together. It would be these happier days that Dawn would try to remember.
 
As she looked round the room, Dawn felt the hot tears spill down her cheek. She couldn’t believe that she was really gone. Clutching the photo frame close to her chest, she collapsed against the bed and cried until everything in the room became a blur from the tears in her eyes.
 
Wiping her eyes on her dressing gown, she finally stood up and placed the picture back where she had found it. Looking round the room, her mind still couldn’t comprehend that her sister wouldn’t be coming home tonight, she would no longer be sleeping in her bed, she wouldn’t be sat at her dressing table brushing her hair, or sat on her bed reading the trashy magazines she loved. Her sister was gone and never coming back and Dawn could barely cope knowing that.
 
Opening the wardrobe door she just needed something to hold, something that would mean she was close to her sister, so she could forget just for a few moments the frightening truth that was pressing down on her. As she scanned the closet, her mind went into overload of all the memories that poured out of every fibre in there. All the happy times they had had together, even the sad times they had shared, the things they had gone through together, they all made up who her sister was, and at the moment, Dawn couldn’t have been more proud of her. 
 
Closing the door, she looked back round the room. As she sat back down on the edge of the bed, Mr. Gordo rolled down and landed next to her. The small toy that Buffy had had since she was little looked ragged and worn, yet it looked loved. Picking it up Dawn held it close to her body. Feeling something sharp stick into her she looked down. Attached round the pigs neck was a small roll of paper addressed to Dawn. Unrolling it, she read the small handwriting of her sister.
 
As she read the note fresh tears streamed down her eyes. When she had finished she rolled the note back up and put it gently into her pocket. She knew she had found what she was so desperately craving.
 
Holding the toy close to her, she exited the room. Closing the door again, who knew when anyone would go in this room again?
 
Walking down the hall she went back into her bedroom. There she stayed for the rest of the day, filling in her diary and doing her homework, just trying desperately to get on with her normal life, but she knew that it would be a long time coming before anything went back to anything resembling normal again.
 
+++
That evening, dressed in their most sombre clothes, everyone met in the hallway. Spike was sat on the stairs, away from everyone else. Willow was holding Tara close to her body while Anya was squeezing Xander hand so tight it was going a strange colour, but he didn’t notice the pain. Giles was the only one who was sat in the lounge. He sat on the settee, not saying a word to anyone, just sat there staring at nothing.
 
According with Buffy’s wishes her funeral was being held in the evening. Her friends had tried to override her, and had wanted to plan the funeral for an afternoon, but Dawn had put her foot down, and refused to let them walk all over her last wish just like they had disregarded everything else Buffy had wanted in life. So now the evening had come and everyone was ready for the worse moment in their lives. This was worse than the first funeral for Buffy they had attended, because they knew that this wasn’t a mystical death, this was real.
 
As Dawn came down the stairs, dressed in a sombre black coat with black wool hat on her head, everyone turned to watch her.
 
Words did not need to be spoken, they all knew the time had eventually come to say their finally goodbye to the strongest among them.
 
+++
Buffy’s had made clear the things she wanted this time. Her body was to be cremated, everyone knew the reason but no one spoke it out loud, there seemed no point. So in that tiny little crematorium on a Thursday evening crammed in people from all walks of life to pay their last respects to an amazing woman and an amazing slayer.
 
There where familiar faces in the crowd like Angel and Cordelia, and then some that Dawn had never met before she guessed that they where people who owed their life to her sister. Then there right at the front proud of their greatest friend was the scoobies.
 
As her coffin was taken away Dawn got up to say her bit, Willow had offered but Dawn knew this was something she had to do.
 
“We all knew this day would come, in fact we all knew for years. As Buffy herself said ‘Slayers come with expiration dates’ so you would think we would have been ready. But I guess maybe I hoped this time it would be different, Buffy always liked doing things her way so why not be the first slayer to live to see grandchildren? But it seems fate won out. But it wasn’t a vampire that took, no matter how many times you may have tried Spike, no it was a far worse evil that took her, one that even the best slayer in the world couldn’t fight.
 
“I honestly didn’t know what to say coming up here, I am so lost without my big sister to guide me now, but then this afternoon I found this letter she has wrote, so I guess she is going to guide me through this even now. This is Buffy:
 
“’Nearly three years ago now I met a government soilder who would come to play a huge part in my life, his name was Riley Finn. The day Riley found out the true me I remember trying to tell him who I was I think my exact words where something along the lines of ‘slayer comma the look it up’. But see there is a problem with the way I told him that, ‘the’ makes it sound like it’s just me and it never was. Not from my first day at Sunnydale high when I met the ubber brainy Willow and strange-yet-make-me-laugh-everytime xander and of course Giles. See I may have been the one who was actually chosen but you guys made the slayer. You fought by my side, you where always there, you never let me down not once, and though the body of the slayer is going to be gone one day the soul of the slayer isn’t because I know its all of you, every single one of you I have met along the way. I owe so much to you all, you made me normal. So though I may no longer be around doesn’t mean I am gone, because you all make up me. The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are all connected’
 
“‘ I was never the strong one, the strength was and still is inside all of you. That strength that made me who I was and made all of you who you are too, never forget the strength you hold.’
 
“’Giles I wish I had done more to thank you for all the teaching you gave me, I know I may not have seemed grateful, and yes I did switch off once or twice, but you never walked away from me. You where there when I needed you. You where my watcher, but more than that you where like my father.’
 
“’Dawnie never ever ever ever doubt that I love you. I would go to hell and back for you. I am so proud of you and who you are becoming. You are so much more stunning than me I of course hate you just a little bit for that. You are my baby sister you are going to surpass me in so many ways and I can’t wait. You are going to be amazing because you are a Summers girl. Don’t ever doubt that for a second because you have all the best bits of mom right there inside you.’
 
“’My heart does and always will belong to two men. My heart may have been bruised and broken, and sometimes I may have even wondered if it was still there, but you have helped me see I am not just a slayer put on this earth to kill nasties, I am a girl who gets to be loved and love in return, and so I would survive a thousand heartaches for that. Angel you showed me so much about this world and Spike you showed me how to live in it. My time with Angel may have passed but I don’t regret what we shared I hope I share a place in your heart like you share one in mine. My time with Spike is just starting, don’t let anyone tell you are less of a man, you may not be human, or even have a soul, but that isn’t what makes you you. You are so kind and taught me so much about myself. I was told ‘The best love is the kind that awakens the soul, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds’. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to have been able to give you forever.  I hope that one day others can see the man I love, then maybe they will choose you like I did.’
 
“’ Every day is going to be a battle I know that as much as everyone else does but I am not one to shy away from a fight, as I once told Angel ‘Strong is fighting, its hard and its painful and its everyday. Its what we have to do and we can do it together.’ I get the easy part of this deal, because the day will come when I don’t have to fight any more, but I don’t want anyone else to give in, everyday you have to fight, fight through the pain and it will get better because it must, pain can’t and wont last forever.’
 
“’When Mom was sick she told me ‘When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times’ I know now that mom is coming back to me just like I will be back with you all one day.’
 
“’I love you all so very very much, thank you for making me the Buffy I am.    Buffy xxx’
 
“I found that today in her things in her room I thought it should be shared, I never understood how one person could have so much strength and bravery but I guess she did, it came from everyone else even if we didn’t know it.
 
“When Mom died Tara said something to me that stuck. Rather than forgetting mom I make a place in my heart and she would become a part of me, in the things that she did and things that she taught me, but see Buffy is already there, Buffy already is a part of every single one of us. So we say goodbye to her body but not her spirit, and just because she is no longer here doesn’t mean we no longer have to love her, she will still be part of our lives every single daya.”
 
As Dawn stepped from the podium the entire crematorium where upstanding in honour of their brave Buffy. Dawn clung tightly onto Spikes hand as tears covered her cheeks. Not one of Buffy’s friends could stop the tears that had welled in their eyes, but they weren’t the pain filled tears of grief they where the tears to good friend that they knew they would see again one day.
 
 
 
+++
And so that that evening in the crematorium everyone found their little bit of solace but no one really said a forever goodbye...
 
 
The end.