Life As Told By Me By Buffy A. Summers

Author’s Note: okay, so this story was actually posted already, and I was on chapter 5. But then I re-read it and actually gagged at the bad writing and horrible quotes and stuff. So I’m re-starting=P It’s going to be different, with almost the same writing style, but better=P Bear with me as I get it done, okay? As it may take a little longer. Anyways here’s the first chapter of the revised version, so enjoy=P Disclaimers are in full force and effect, meaning all characters belong to the almighty Joss and I just like playing with them.

Chapter 1: Rainbows after the Rain.

“Oh god, Oh please god, don’t let me be late,” I whispered frantically as I drove home as fast as I could from school to the house. Our study session had run over, again, and I was late, again, which meant Ted was going to be in one of his moods, again. By our, I mean me, my best friend Willow Rosenberg, and our best friend Xander Harris. We’re the nerds of our school, and spend time in the library with Rupert Giles, the librarian after school, for studying, homework, and just hanging out. Giles is the coolest old guy ever, and we love him to death. Unfortunately that meant we were labeled the ‘Nerd Herd’ by those much more powerful than us.

Being a geek wasn’t so bad, however, since I have the two best friends in the entire world, but when the guy whom you have longed to be with ever since seeing him stretch after naptime in Kindergarten was one of the coolest guys in school? Being the biggest geek in Sunnydale was definitely not of the good. And to get the biggest geek standing was quite an accomplishment, cause it meant I beat out Andrew Wells and Jonathon Levinson for the title, the resident ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ Kings.

“Oh, no, please no, faster Buffy, pedal faster,” I whispered even more frantically as I rounded the corner, just as my bike skidded on the wet pavement and I flew over my handlebars into a big mud puddle. Crying furiously as I lay there, letting the wetness seep into my white peasant top, I suddenly found myself being dragged out of there by the one person who I’d much rather it be not.

Standing there in all his amazingly handsome 17 yr old glory, was Spike Giles, or as I like to call him, My Prince. But nobody but me knows that fact, not even Willow, but secretly I’ve always thought of Spike as being my Prince Charming, and have prayed so much that he’d come and carry me off somewhere. But, alas, I was still stuck in my horrible home, with my horrible stepfather and Spike was still dating Vampirella. Bitch. She didn’t even know how good she had it; she was the girlfriend of the hottest quarterback Sunnydale High had even seen; yet she insisted on sleeping with anything with a dick. Or without one, depending on whatever miracle drug she was on at that moment.

Quickly covering myself up for a modicum of modesty, I kept my eyes trained to the ground and mumbled, “Thank you.”

“Summers, why am I always rescuing you?” Spike asked, teasing me. He was the only one of the jocks that liked me. We had grown up together, and Giles, his father was Mom’s best friend since their childhood, so we had always been friends, even after we drifted apart. He always made a clear choice to say hey to me, and talk to me whenever.

I smiled at him, shyly, feeling exposed and naked, “I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my horrible fate to be always in trouble.” His face fell slightly as he thought about what I said, and I just shook my head, trying to steer him clear of the bad thoughts of my stepfather. “Don’t Spike, just don’t, I’m late as it is, so I’m going home to a lovely shiner, but just don’t. Maybe if I live in my bubble a little longer it’ll all go away?”

Spike brought her close to him, hugging her as she silently cried, rubbing his hand up and down her back. “Luv, I know you think that, but you have to realize Buffy, he’s not going to change. He’s always going to be a bloody insensitive prick that beats his wife and two step kids. What do you expect? He’ll wake up one night and realize the error of his ways? I highly bloody doubt that, pet.”

I nodded against his chest, and pulled back, picking up my bike, and getting on it. “Tell your dad I said hey, k?” I said, still not looking up at him, and slowly driving off. When I got around the corner, so he couldn’t see me, I broke down and hugged my arms around myself, getting everything out before finally heading home.

Pulling up Revello Drive, I stared at the house in front of me. “Welcome home, sweetheart, I hope you had a good time with Willow and Xander tonight. You should invite them over for supper sometime, I never get to spend time with them anymore.” I whispered, pretending that it was my father and mother in that house, not my mother and Satan’s incarnate.

Gathering up my courage, I finally parked the bike around back, and snuck in the back door, noticing all the lights off in the house. ‘Thank god’, I thought to myself, going upstairs and into my room. Changing into my silky short pajamas and Mickey Mouse tank top I went to climb into bed when I heard a whimper coming from the room next door. Leaving quietly, I quickly made my way to Dawnie’s room and lay down beside her, wrapping my arms around my 12 yr old sister. “Why didn’t you stay at Janice’s tonight like I told you?” I whispered into the darkness.

She just smiled sadly, and whispered back, “Couldn’t let mom take all the beating tonight.”

I laugh quietly, though it’s hollow and tear-filled, “What was his excuse this time?”

“You, again. He’s convinced that all this nights spent at the library are you off sleeping with random people. For god’s sake you’re 15 and a freshman in high school. And you’re the sweetest girl I’ve ever met, I just don’t see how he can think that.”

My heart broke a little more at my sister’s sad and mournful tone, and her beautiful words. “I know, Dawnie, but … I just wish you had’ve stayed at Janice’s like I asked, rather than come home. Was it bad tonight?”

She didn’t answer, just turned on her flashlight, knowing the lamp would cause Ted to start screaming from the adjoining room. She took her shirt off, neither of us caring about her nudity as it was such a common habit for me to inspect any and all wounds of hers, and she especially got it around her breasts, as he said they were so young and supple. So he hurt them so guys wouldn’t touch her. Or, that was his reasoning for molesting a 12 yr old.

I sighed, and my eyes filled with more unshed tears at the sight of her bruised and broken body. “God, Dawnie, I’m so sorry.” I whisper, carefully helping her back into her tee shirt, so as not to aggravate her wounds. “You should have called or something, I could’ve helped. Why didn’t you call, sweetie? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home instead of going over there?”

Dawn just shrugged and climbed back into the bed, where we fell asleep, both of us with tears drying on our cheeks.

I woke up the next morning to Dawn’s frightened yell, and Ted smacking me across the face. Damn. I hate when he hits my face because concealer just doesn’t cut it half the time. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, sleeping with you’re sister like that!?! What are you some sort of incestuous pervert who gets off on their fucking sisters!?!” He hit me a few more times, this time in the gut and on the arms. Then he grabbed my arm and dragged me from the bed, shoving me into a wall.

“Get off me, Ted. You don’t want to rumple your suit for work do you?” Ted backed off, obviously my jibe at his appearance hitting him where it hurt. He may be an asshole, but if anyone else thought he was, he’d probably kill himself for sheer embarrassment. If he didn’t look his absolute best, then he didn’t leave the house.

After I made sure he was gone, I turned to Dawn, and wrapped my arms around her. “S’okay, sweetie, didn’t hurt.” Which was actually true. I was so used to it, that whenever he hit me it didn’t hurt anymore. She nodded then moved so she could get ready, and I took that as my cue to go get ready for school also.

Finally ready and presentable for the day, I left for school in a pair of khaki style flares and a turtleneck I used when he got left gashes on my arms. Which was almost constantly.

Arriving at school, I immediately went to my locker to grab books for first period, then went to the library to seek out my friends. They knew not to question the turtleneck, but every single one of them, including Miss Jenny Calendar, the school computer teacher and Giles’ girlfriend, shot me a glare, because I didn’t go somewhere, or get out of there with mom and Dawn. But Mom didn’t want to leave, and I’d never leave without her. He beat Dawn and me but he never laid a finger on her, so she turned a blind eye on our beatings, even though she knew they were going on.

Striding in, all cocky and swagger, about 15 minutes later was Spike, and he plopped down beside me, gently fingering the bruise coloring my cheek before shaking his head disapprovingly and walking to talk to his father.

Xander smiled at me, and mimed kissing, even though we all knew he was secretly in love with me. “Oh shut up, Xander,” I warned playfully, throwing a pencil at his head, which missed and hit Willow instead. “Sorry!” I said, my eyes wide, before she balled up a piece of paper and threw it at my head. Which also missed, this time hitting Spike. He turned to look at us questioningly, and off our giggles, bent down and retrieved the paper. Turns out Willow had wrote on it, which Spike found out as he opened it up and found “B & S = TLF” written inside a big heart.

Raising an eyebrow he dropped it on my notebook before heading off to find his psychotic girlfriend. Glancing at Willow, who was as red as her hair, I looked down then snapped my eyes back to Willow, who was studiously avoiding my ice gaze.

Then everyone in the hallway heard me shout: “WILLOW ROSENBERG YOU’RE DEAD!” including the ‘S’ of the note.

2. Hero

“Where have all good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life (larger than life...)”

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

That day at lunch I glanced over at Spike’s table and found him looking at me, with a concerned look on his face, before he quickly turned back to his ever chattering ‘best girl-friend’ Harmony. Although how he could stand to be around her, let alone call her his best girl friend was beyond me. If anyone he fit more with Faith, the school bad ass of the X, X chromosome.

Glancing back at my table I decided to make my way back into the conversation again, although my heart was in other things entirely, namely Spike Giles. Hearing Willow gushing about the Spring Formal made me sad again, but shaking it off when she glanced at me expectantly, having just asked me a question that I totally missed. “Huh? Didn’t catch that, sorry, Wills,” I mumble around my bite of ‘Meatball Surprise’, which believe me, was the Lunch Lady trying to kill us. We’d be better off eating rat poison filled Jell-o.

Willow just looked at me with a confused and slightly worried expression before repeating quietly, “Are you going to go stag?”

I just smile slightly and look down at my food in response. I suddenly didn’t feel all that hungry and the prospect of eating what the cafeteria lady classified as edible was making me sick. “Yeah,” I finally mutter, slightly angry, “I’m going stag. No guy for poor old geeky Buffy.”

Willow just smiled sympathetically and looked to Oz, “what about Devon, Oz? He got a date, yet?”

Oz shook his head, and in that special way of his replied, “Nah, he’s going with Aurora.”

I looked at her sharply then, really needing to get my point across on this factor, “Willow Rosenberg, there will be no setting Buffy up of any kind for this dance, got it? I’ll go stag with my buds. Plus, Tar doesn’t have a date either, so I’ll hang with her, right Tara?”

Tara glanced down and muttered shyly, “I-I’m going with C-Callista, we’re kind of dating.”

Everyone just sort of sat there with their mouths open after that. I swear, if she had’ve announced giving birth to a pterodactyl we wouldn’t have been more surprised. Finally Willow broke the silence and stared at her favorite cousin. “Tar, sweetie, why didn’t you tell us? I mean, wow. You’re gay?”

And it was as if someone had put a hush on the entire room, cause everyone stopped talking, even though Willow said it in her normal voice, not even overly loud, and every one of their heads swiveled to stare in our direction, as if trying to find the culprit. And apparently she was found: me. “I beat Buffy’s the one Willow was talking about. She is such a lesbian!” Harmony yelled, and Spike’s eyes turned to glare at her, before he looked at me questioningly.

“No!” I yell, getting angry, and grabbing my bags and leaving the cafeteria. I didn’t mean to offend Tara, which I actually did, but it was just so like him to actually think I was gay. I mean he didn’t even seem to realize who ‘B & S’ were, or he did and chose to stay blissfully ignorant of my undeniable love for him. “Stupid bleached moron…” I mutter, shoving my bag into my locker and grabbing my books for Chem class, even though I hate it.

Turning around, I ran straight into Harmony and Faith, and of course Robin, who follows his girlfriend wherever she goes. ‘Course Faith doesn’t mind, she loves having a boyfriend who does whatever she says. Something about the sex being great when all she has to do is purr and he’s ready and willing. “What do you want?” I demand angrily as the two-stood snickering, Faith’s 12 o’clock shadow hovering behind.

Faith just tittered, and then looked at me mockingly, “Quite a show back there, Summers. Imagine if Spike only knew, he wouldn’t have been so quick to question your orientation then huh? But, he doesn’t. Oh, Harm, why don’t we do little Buffy here a favor and make her crush on ol’ Spikey publicly known? Perhaps through a publication? Or, even better, a banner above the main doors?”

I just glared at her through fiery eyes and pushed past them, Harmony’s sickeningly sweet voice following me, “Don’t worry sweetie, we wouldn’t do that. After all he still thinks you’re a lesbian, wouldn’t want to discourage him would we?”

Running into the bathroom as soon as I rounded the corner, I let the tears fall and that’s where Willow found me a little while later. “I didn’t know you felt that way about gay people, Buffy. You really fooled all of us,” she said as she hopped up on the counter beside me.

I looked at her with confusion clearly written on my face, “What are you talking about, Wills?”

“You. Being a homophobe and stuff. Poor Tara though, I think it broke her heart to find out that you’re against gay people, but we all have our preferences, right? I just thought you were indifferent, but I guess not.”

I stared at her for a moment, and then burst out laughing, “Homophobe? Nuh-uh, Willow. What gave you that idea?”

“You were all offended when Spike looked at you as if to ask, ‘Are you?’”

“Willow, I am so not a homophobe, I was just way embarrassed. And Spike thinks I’m a lesbian now, so it adds insult to injury, or in this case, injury to embarrassment. But, oh god, Tara thinks I’m a homophobe? God. I’m going to have to talk to her, cause I totally think it’s great that she’s dating a girl. And Callie? She’s amazing. I totally think it’s a good thing. Damn.”

When the bell rang we both ran to our next classes and I had Chem with Tara so I passed her a note apologizing and explaining my rash behavior. She wrote back saying it was okay and she understood. Also something about my aura giving away everything anyway so I didn’t actually have to apologize, she got it.

About a half hour into Mr. Budgie’s speech, I was called down to the office, and was asked to take all my books. Getting there I saw Principal I’m a troll Snyder sitting with a huge smile on his face that I knew I’d regret seeing. Walking into his office with the air and confidence of someone who wasn’t scared of the man, which was unusual, as most of the kids at Sunnydale were, I sat in the seat on the student side of his desk and waited for whatever punishment I’d get this week for whatever lame ass thing he came up with that I did.

Bingo. 5 lates in 2 weeks was against school policies and I was getting a warning detention. I was actual grateful to the little guy for not suspending me which I knew would end in near death bruises at home, but detentions were only a slightly bigger beating than usual. Unless he was drunk, of course, and then I was usually sent to the hospital with concussion or internal bleeding.

Leaving campus immediately, since he didn’t want me ‘influencing other impressionable students’ I walked past Angel O’Connor and Darla Huntington making out in the hallway, two of Spike’s cronies, and Angel just smirked at me saying, “Too bad you’re a lesbian, Buff, you’re hot for a nerd.” I rolled my eyes, repulsed by the football player, and kept walking.

Knowing that Ted was still at work, I thanked the lords, then cursed them as I opened the door and saw him sitting there with a bottle or scotch in one hand, and the TV remote in the other. Grimacing at the ugly display he made, I silently went to head up the stairs when his angry voice stopped me from the couch, “What the fuck are you doing home so early, slut?”

I just sighed and walked down to the doorway, handing him my detention slip, knowing he’d find it anyway. Glaring at me, he threw the bottle of scotch at my head, smashing it just inches from my face, some of the shards embedding themselves in my skin. Tears stinging my eyes from the new form of pain, I glared at him before turning around and heading back up the stairs.

Of course, he chased after me, and I got partway up before he threw me down and proceeded to sit on top of me, punching and kicking, using broken pieces of the glass to slice my arms and face. Finally, when I was to bruised to even open my eyes, he got up and stumbled into the kitchen, and I dragged myself into my room where I passed out on my floor, my door safely locked.

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Two days went by and I still hadn’t left my room, too scared to venture outside, and too banged up to even care. I had turned into a nice shade of dark purple, and my cuts where all a nasty red, but they had all healed, and Dawn had picked all the glass out, crying harder than I did at the flinching I made when it hurt.

Dawn was in my room then, reading my a story she wrote, when mom appeared in the doorway, with Spike in tow, and just smiled sadly at me, before disappearing downstairs to her husband.

Spike walked in with soup in his hands, and homework tucked under his arm. Mine too, that jerk. “Hey nibblet, can I get a moment with big sis?”

Dawn nodded silently, leaning up to kiss my cheek carefully before laying the unfinished story on my nightstand and leaving, shutting the door softly behind her.

Spike took Dawn’s vacated seat on the bed, although unlike Dawn, he wasn’t leaning against me, one arm wrapped protectively around me, as she read. He just smiled at me as he set the soup beside me on the bed, and the homework beside that. “So, stupid question coming here, how are you?”

I just shrugged, which hurt like hell, but the only indicator of my pain was a flinch in my eyes and the pain filling them before quickly disappearing. “I’m fine. Better question is how do I look?”

Spike laughed, “Like a big blueberry. Or plum. You can pick which one.”

I smiled, which also slightly hurt, but I shook it off, “So I look like a fruit. How kind of you, sir.”

He grinned, “I said you could pick which kind of fruit.” Glancing over my visible wounds he sighed, “So what set him off this time?”

“Detention. And also me being ‘mouthy and irresponsible’, or some other bullshit he fed mom. I haven’t seen him since then, mostly because my door is guarded by an unwavering little 12 yr old, night and day.”

Spike looked to the door then back to me, “She is protective of you.”

I just smiled, “That’s cause I get the beatings worse than her. She just gets the other stuff.” Staring at the blanket for a moment, I sniffled, and wiped blindly at some stray tears, before looking at Spike with a watery smile. “So, you brought me homework? How very kind of you, William.”

He growled playfully at the name ‘William’, but glanced at the soup, “I brought soup though. Hearty Chicken Noodle, so none of that icky stuff. Actual chicken and vegetables and spiral noodles.”

I grinned at him, “My favorite. You remembered.”

He just looked sheepish, “Well, you complained so much that day how could I forget?” Both of us flashing back to when I had chicken pox, and Spike had to take care of me since he was the only one that had already had them. He went to buy my soup, but got the wrong kind, so I begged and pleaded until he finally brought me the right kind.

We talked for an hour about various things, before he looked at the clock on my nightstand and stood up. “I have to get going, Buffy, got a date with Drusilla tonight.” Obviously he missed the jealous growl and darkening of my eyes, or else he would have been scared, but he just smiled, gave me a kiss on the cheek and left.

Shortly thereafter, well I was sipping the soup, Dawn came trundling back in, and grabbed the story, picking up and situating herself as if she had never left, neither of us saying anything as she read her tale, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And to us, it really was.

Life 3 – Anything but Ordinary

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It’s my lullaby

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I’d rather be anything but ordinary please
I’d rather be anything but ordinary please

>_>_>_>_>_>_>_>_>_>_>_>_>_>_>

I woke up the next morning with a sense of fulfillment. Everything was right with the world. Spike kicked Vampirella to the curb, rumors were being circulated that someone else was to be asked to the Spring Formal, and Ted was away for the weekend on a business trip. Not only that, but the dress I got for the dance last Friday is drop dead gorgeous and shines in dance lights. Perfect, and not to mention I look sexy in it, so sexy Xander drooled a little.

Getting up, I crossed my room to my closet, admired my dress a little, and then grabbed a pair of capris and a tank top. The bruises on my arms were going down, but even so, I had to wear a summer sweater over my tank, since you could definitely still see the fruits of Ted’s last vicious labor.

Applying my make-up, not so dark today I noticed, as the bruises on my face were completely healed except for one tiny cut on my eyebrow. I went into the bathroom and admired myself in that mirror, better lighting, and then went into Dawn’s room where she was already dressed and ready, and she smiled at my smile. She smiled at the fact that I was actually out of my room since I hadn’t been since that Monday, and it was now Friday.

“Well, I only had the last day left, and I finished all my homework,” at that Dawn felt my forehead, “So I decided to actually go back to school. Still got detention to get through anyway.” I grimaced at that, since detention with Troll-head wasn’t my favorite way to spend an afternoon, but I’d survive. I always have, and I always will.

That day at school, when we were all gathered in the library, everyone commented on my smile, and happy go lucky mood. “What?” I asked innocently, knowing full well that me being so happy was a rarity in this day and age.

Willow just smiled and then hugged me so hard, I winced as she upset one of the still lingering bruises, but no one seemed to notice. “Has Spike asked anyone else?” I asked, as casually as I could muster, and even Giles laughed at the hopefulness in my tone, as he knew about the major crush I had on his son.

“No, Buffy, he hasn’t,” Giles answered, coming up to me and plunking an ancient tome in front of me.

“What the?” I asked, staring at the enormous volume, entitled ‘Vampyrs’. “Cool book, Giles, what is it?” I asked, flipping through the pages absently.

“That is the book I told you about,” Giles answered. My face lit up even more then. I had always loved vampires and the folklore about there being one girl in every generation to fight the forces of evil. In my mind Ted was the Master Vampire, and I had to kill him to save the world, and I always won. “Its got everything you need to know about vampires and the folklore surrounding them, and how to kill them. Go nuts.”

I grinned at Giles, hugged him, and began looking for a chapter on ‘Slayers’ as Giles had said they were called. As engrossed as I was I didn’t hear a newcomer into the library midst until he was right on top of me and practically breathing in my ear.

“Nice book, Summers. Dad give you that?” Spike asked, sitting beside me, his hand gently fingering the fabric, which concealed the scars and bruises he knew to be there.

“Yeah, it’s awesome, isn’t it? A world where I could fight the forces of darkness, conquer them… almost to good to believe.” Spike grinned, got what he came for, and left with a smile to me. I melted a little inside.

The next day Xander, Willow, and me in my awesome dress, strolled into the gym to a world magically enhanced with lighting and decorations. “The place looks amazing. Cordy outdid herself this year.” Xander beamed as I praised his girlfriend.

“She knows what she’s doing, I’ll give her that,” Willow added, hugging Oz as we reached the table where Cordy, Oz, Tara and Callie were all sitting. “Hey guys.”

I hugged Tara, still feeling slightly guilty for what I had said Monday, and then Callie, a smile tugging on my lips as I saw how much they liked each other. “So, what’s the what so far?”

Oz stared around, “catchy pop tunes, gyrating teenagers in formal wear, and a spiked punch. My conclusions are that we’ve entered a high school dance.” Everyone laughed and Oz shrugged away his comments in that way of his.

Just then I noticed a lone figure sipping some spiked punch against the other wall. “Holy god, he looks good in a tux,” I whisper, so loud everyone at the table also noticed Spike on the other side of the room. “I’ll be right back,” I add, mustering all my courage and starting to cross the room.

As I reached the half way mark, stopped and took three deep breaths, I noticed some one else gliding over to the lone figure of Spike propped against a wall. She was wearing a blood red dress with black lace against the entire thing, and her hair looked as if it was growing cobwebs. Unfortunately the entire thing looked damn good on Drusilla, and even though I picked up my pace, she beat me there and I faded into the darkness. I watched as they talked, and she wrapped her body around his, trying to get closer and practically screwing him there in the shadows. I choked a little, and tears welled into my eyes. “Why?” I asked the air.

She led him away from the wall, across the dance floor, and to a secluded table at the back where she promptly sat on his lap and started sucking his face off. Or at least, that’s how it looked to me who was only seeing my heart being ripped to shreds as Spike started returning the kisses in earnest. “Oh god,” I sobbed as bile rose to my throat, and I felt an arm on both sides of me, leading me to the door. Turns out they were the comforting embraces of both Xander and Willow. As we reached the night air, all energy drained out of me and the idea of holding myself up, let alone walking, made me ache as I collapsed on the ground and started sobbing with uncontrollable force. The rest of the gang had showed up outside now, and even I wondered why it hurt me so much tonight.

“Why does it hurt this way, Will?” I asked, staring unseeingly at my best friend. “Why is it ripping me apart? I’ve seen them together before, and shrugged it off?”

“Because you’ve been having a damn good last couple of days and all of a sudden it’s like bam the crash and burn happens. You thought maybe you’d have a chance. Why else did you buy the dress? Or do your hair and make-up so nicely? You thought it was finally your turn, but crash and burnness. See?” Willow was babbling and it totally helped having her babble in my ear. I felt better enough to stand up.

“Guys, I’m just going to head home, 'kay? Go enjoy your night.” I shook a little, but controlled it easily as I started walking towards my house. Stopping I turned around, and gave Cordelia a watery smile, “I love the decorations Cordy, totally awesome.”

Reaching home I flopped on my bed, without looking into a mirror or even taking anything off. I just didn’t want to see the aftereffects of my emotional breakdown in the form of incredibly messed up make-up and hair. Turning a sappy country station onto the radio, I let the tears leak out of my eyes and stared unblinkingly at the ceiling, counting all the ridges in the stucco.

By the time I got to 114, and the song was onto ‘Tonight I Wanna Cry’ by Keith Urban, I knew I needed to take action. I needed to have some sort of comfort and finality to everything: Spike, Ted, Troll-head. Something had to be done.

Getting up I walked into the bathroom and grabbed mom’s bottle of sleeping pills, which totaled about 15 left, and walked back into my room. I had to finalize it, now. So I grabbed a pen and paper and started to write.

“Dearest Dawn,
Please don’t be mad at me. I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. I needed closure. Mom needs to wake up to what’s going on around her. I’m not doing it to punish her, but she is slightly dense lately. I’m so sorry, sweetie”

It was about there that a sound like a strangled gasp happened very close to my ear. I swung around and there stood Dawn crying silently and fighting for breath. “You’re leaving me here?” She cried, staring at me in abject horror and anger.

“Sweetie, I’m sorry, I just can’t do it anymore. It’s to much for me. I need out of all of this.” I was crying again, the tears blotting the ink of the paper that was clutched in my hand. “I’m so so sorry.”

She glared at me, and I can’t blame her. “You’re just giving up? What about becoming a slayer someday? Some slayer you are if you just give up and commit suicide halfway through a battle. Oh Great Buffy save me! No, I can’t right now I’m tired so I think I’ll kill myself.”

I winced, her anger, although understandable, hurting me more than Spike’s rejection and Ted’s fists. “Dawnie, I can’t. It hurts so much, baby.”

“Oh you poor thing. It hurts you. Don’t you think it hurts me to be molested and raped at every single moment? Don’t you think it hurts like hell when I go to sleep wondering if I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night with him raping me? God Buffy, what do you think he’s going to do when it’s only me to hit, huh? Rape me, molest me, and beat me. I’m going to get it all. And I’m going to end up in the hospital, either a vegetable, in a coma, or worse, dead. So go ahead pop them pills, see if I care. I just hope you’re watching from hell when I scream and struggle and die. I hope then you’re happy.” Dawn was openly crying and sobbing now, her own words hurting her back.

“Baby, please…I’m just so scared. I just need an answer to all this pain and suffering.” I was staring at her so pathetically that she laughed a little and hugged me.

“Buffy, please don’t kill yourself. Because I swear to god, if you do, I’m following you. It’ll be like Romeo and Juliet… only not.” Her face scrunched up and I laughed, knowing that even if she hadn’t come into my room I wouldn’t have been able to do it. Hell, I’m still a virgin, and everyone knows you can’t die a virgin.

“I won’t sweetie. Oh god, I can’t believe I was going to do that. What the hell is wrong with me?” I shook myself a little and smiled at Dawn.

“Okay so Ted wasn’t the reason behind all this. What happened tonight? You look like a mess.” Dawn grimaced at my look, and after I got changed and went into Dawn’s room, we laid on her bed and I told her the entire story about tonight, and she sympathized. Together we lay down, knowing Ted wasn’t coming home till tomorrow night, and fell into an easy sleep, knowing the other would be there when we woke up.

Life 4 – Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s only me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
When the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only one that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone.

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

That Monday I woke up with a pressure building up in my legs. I felt weighed down and even though I tried to move my legs, nothing happened. Squinting against the sudden sunlight beating in my eyes, I noticed that there was something sitting atop me. Upon further inspection that something turned out to actually be a someone, and when it moved in front of my eyes, blocking the sun so I could clearly see the facial features I realized it was a he. And not just any old he, a he I’d rather kill them have him on top of me.

Screaming so loudly it hurt my throat, I kicked and struggled and he pinched me harder, and slapped me more, but then when footsteps could be heard in the hall he jumped off me, and rushed outside so that Mom couldn’t come in and see what her precious husband was actually trying to do. That’s when I noticed my state of near undress.

My pajama top was completely unbuttoned and askew, and my pants were shoved down past my knees, the only piece of clothing not yet moved was my underwear. I shuddered and covered myself quickly just in case the grimy monster came for a repeat.

So he was getting tired of 12 yr olds then. Well that suited me just fine. As long as he wasn’t hurting Dawnie I could handle any and all pain he decided to dish out.

I arrived at school not more than 30 minutes later, having walked Dawnie to her school and ate a hurried and on the go breakfast. Going straight to my locker, I grabbed my English textbook and binder, then ran the rest of the way to the library, nearly tripping over my too large pants.

Entering my sanctuary I breathed in familiar air, and fought hard to not let any of the tears fall as I made my way over to the table and sat all my books on top of it. Then I went up into the stacks and let the tears that had been threatening to spill over fall. I deserved it for crying out loud, after everything I’d been through. Thankfully no one but Giles and Jenny was in the library, and they were too preoccupied to notice some poor child’s tears. Suited me just fine. Eventually though I forced myself to stop and batted at the clinging remains. Still wiping my eyes, I walked back down in time to see Willow and Xander enter the library, with Oz and Cordy trailing behind them and then Callie and Tara not more than 5 minutes later.

“Hey Buffy,” Xander said, hugging me and noticing the baggy clothes I had chosen for the day and the weary and faraway look in my eyes. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, god, just back off Xander,” I glared at him and left the library, new tears springing to my eyes. Walking around, rather aimlessly, I ended in Jock Hall where I saw, to my great and honest displeasure, Spike and Vampirella kissing like crazy people in a corner, and Angel and Darla not to far from them having an argument, about apparently Riley Finn. Whatever. They didn’t bother me so much as the fact that nobody even noticed me, and the one guy that did was obviously in the wrong hallway and just trying to get the hell out of there, so he ran into me.

I turned and walked away, but the images of Spike and that slut still were searing into my brain even as I heard the bell, faintly as if from a distance, and started towards English, which I had with absolutely no one except Harmony and Faith.

Sitting in my chair I tried hard not to grumble at the uber slowness of the clock as it ticked the seconds away of my imprisonment and mocked me with every slow turn. I growled low, but Harmony heard me and a loud whisper about werewolves being in the classroom started after that. I ignored them and then caught sight of my notebook in which I had somehow written the words: “To Kill Today:” and then Ted’s, Drusilla’s, and even Spike’s name. I was in the middle of writing Harmony’s. Quickly tearing the page up, lest my teacher see it and I get suspended for threatening violence on the other students, I sent up a prayer as the bell finally sounded.

I ate lunch by myself in the courtyard, not wanting to face any of my friends or Giles. I just didn’t need the knowing looks and maddeningly sad glances they always sent my way. After lunch I took refuge in the football field under the bleachers and away from the dope smoking kids. Suddenly I felt the inexplicable urge to join them, but I stamped it down when I remembered the last person I knew who had taken marijuana, namely Dawn, and had ended in the hospital for a week after Ted found out.

That day after school I was still feeling funky, and refused to even let Dawn find a safe haven in my room, that is until I heard a muffled grunt from downstairs. I left and found Ted beating on Dawn, Mom having left for work an hour ago. Grabbing his arm I whirled him around and punched him in the face, which he didn’t exactly approve of, and Dawn ran upstairs, and by the position of the slamming, into my bedroom. Ted proceeded to yell at me, and hit me, but I didn’t care and for once I hit him back. I was just to angry to let some overgrown asshole with a superiority complex take his frustrations, I don’t know if they’re sexual or work related, out on me.

Finally when he was craving a beer to much to put it off he left, and I walked up to my room, and even though I was bleeding profusely I was holding my head high and not feeling even an ounce of the pain that normally I would be feeling. Smiling as I entered my room, I laughed as Dawn’s strangled gasp filled the tiny space. “Dawnie, don’t worry so much. I actually feel rather fine right now. All’s right with the world. Plus, I think I might have broke the fucker’s nose.” She giggled a little and my bad mood was gone for the time being.

Only to return the next day when Xander and Will came up to me and asked if something had been bothering me the other day. “You seemed kinda pissed about something, Buff, and we’re just wondering if maybe Ted was the cause. Or we did something we aren’t to sure about.” Willow’s babbling, when usually comforting, made me see red and I stared at her with a vengeance, wondering why she was even talking to me right now.

“No offense, Will, but go hang somewhere else. And yeah, if you must know, it was Ted’s fault. And it’s still Ted’s fault, but seriously, don’t piss me off any further right now by asking pesky questions like if Ted beat harder last night than usual. Reality? Not last night. Yesterday morning something happened. Last night was damn good in the war against Ted. Buffy 1, Ted … well, I lost count.” I smiled slightly, to ease the harshness, but turned and walked the other way nonetheless, leaving Willow staring fish mouthed after me, and Oz patting her back consolingly, while Xander was just plain mystified. Good, I thought, it’ll serve them right. Sometimes they just really need to give a tortured girl some space.

Striding into class I bumped into Angel, who happened to be in my History with me, who smirked at me like he knew something I didn’t. Asshole. He was worse than Ted half the time with his greasiness and tendency to stare at you till he could see through your shirt. Fucking pervert he was.

Staring at the history teacher, and trying to actually take notes, but the monotonous drone was lulling me to sleep, and since I sit in the back it’s a lot easier to fall asleep. Staring at the sudden darkness enveloping me, I smiled easily and let it take me in its grasp and float me down a river where I wasn’t being beaten constantly. Or maybe I was. “What the?” I whispered, coming to, only to see Angel hitting me with little wads of paper and grinning all the while.

“Welcome to the world of the awake, Nerd. Nice little dream you were having there huh? Was Spike naked and wet in it?” His leer made me feel sick, so I got excused and went to sit in the courtyard till the bell rang. Then I seen Spike and Drusilla walking through the yard and laughing at something, though by the completely out of it stares on their faces, they weren’t laughing at anything on Earth.

“Nice job trying to ditch me, but it won’t work. I need to talk to you.” Angel sat down beside me and I visibly blanched.

“Isn’t this bad for your reputation?” I asked, staring at him in confusion and a little worry. “What do you want anyway?”

Angel grinned, finally getting his way. “Easy. I want my girl back.”

“Darla?” I asked, thinking of the fight yesterday.

“No, not that slut. Riley Finn is welcome to her. I caught them in bed together, and kicked her to the curb,” he added off my still confused stare. “I meant Drusilla. Spike’s been playing with her for to long, and I think it’s time Loverboy pisses off and gives her back.”

As much as I hated Drusilla I couldn’t help saying it, “She’s not a piece of meat.”

Angel laughed, which was kind of a nice sound when you listened to it, “Yeah well, she’s my meat nonetheless, and I want her back.”

“Why do you need me then? Can’t you just go demand her back? I’m sure with whatever she’s on she’ll happily fuck you.”

His growl gave me a sense of deep satisfaction. “Look, Summers, I need you to date me for a little while to make her jealous. She’ll leave Bleached Blonde Wonder and you can step in as his crying shoulder. Win-win, see?”

I stared at him incredulously. He had to be kidding me? Date him? Angel O’Connor who always did his best to hurt me in new and unimaginable ways? Not only was it ludicrous and insane, no one would believe it. “Umm… how about we don’t and not say we did? Sounds like a much better plan to me.” I got up and started walking away when his voice stopped me.

“C’mon Summers, it’ll be fun. You, me, a workable plan to get you a boyfriend. Lord knows you’ve always wanted one. Please, Buffy?” He added when I still stared at him like he’d grown three heads.

Laughing, I called back sarcastically, “Sure and then we can run off and get married. Get real, Angel, like I’d ever be desperate enough to date you, even pretending.” Still laughing, I cut the rest of the day and went to the mall.

Life 5 – Nobody’s Home

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can’t find
She’s losing her mind
She’s falling behind
She can’t find her place
She’s losing her faith
She’s fallen from grace
She’s all over the place

She wants to go home but nobody’s home
That’s where she lies, broken inside
There’s no place to go, no place to go
To dry her eyes, broken inside

She’s lost inside, lost inside
She’s lost inside, lost inside, oh oh

$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$

I woke up the next morning with another weight on me, and again found Ted, but I must have woken before he got to anything because he was just settling in to try. I glared at him and shoved him backwards, the strength of the other day returning as he sat there with a smug smile that suggested he had complete control and I had no way to stop him. “Fuck off, you bastard, and go to your wife. Or better yet some whore that you can impregnate and then run off with.” His glare earned him a smirk from me and I shoved a little harder.

Then he grabbed my arm, his nails clawing their way into my skin until rivulets of blood flowed down my arm. His face was barely inches from mine as he hissed at me, “Look you little bitch, you will succumb and even if you don’t, I will fucking well have you. Stop acting like a goddamn frigid bitch and spread ‘em sweetheart.”

I puked a little in my mouth and used my one free arm to slap him soundly across the face. He leaned a little forward, and like the vampire he was, bit me so hard on the throat he drew blood. “I said give it up,” his menacing voice was slurred slightly from my blood in his mouth. The entire display was grotesque and I gagged back the vomit that wanted to escape. “Just a warning,” he added, letting my arm go and getting up. He wiped at his mouth as he disappeared and soon I could hear the telltale running of water.

Shaking slightly I walked to the mirror and noticed the sizeable chunk taken out of my neck, but the position allowed me to wear a sweater, without wearing the obvious turtleneck. A scarf might be needed though, which was fashionable, cute, and a quick cover-up to vampire bites.

“Nice scarf,” Willow said shyly, wondering if my everlasting bad mood had worn off, or if I was going to bitch her out again. Her squeamishness made me wince as I realized how horrible I had been the past two days.

“I’m sorry, Wills. And thanks.” I reached forward and hugged her, which she accepted with a huge smile. “Ted’s moved to a new form of punishment. Or, rather, an old form but a new target.”

She looked at me for a moment, and then nodded in understanding. “I figured something bad was going on. Wanna talk?” We were headed to the library and as we entered I let everything go.

“Willow, it’s so horrible. But, I’m glad for it at the same time. If he’s choosing to molest me now, than he’s not doing it to Dawn and that’s a good thing. Or he’s molesting both of us, but I don’t think so since Dawn hasn’t complained about it in almost a week, since that time about two weeks ago when I was late. So that’s a plus. But oh god. Waking up with him on top of me, and touching me, it’s like the worst feeling in the world. It’s not right; Willow, I can’t handle it. I don’t know how Dawn went through it all these years without cracking up or killing herself. I’d be all over the gun if I had to deal with it that long.” I intentionally left out the fact that suicide was on my mind a lot lately, especially since the dance, and that the pills I had hidden in my room, despite promising Dawn I wouldn’t, were becoming more and more prominent in my thought stream, and increasingly more invitingly. I hadn’t told Dawn about the new form of fun Ted has bestowed on me, because she would think it was her fault, and try and take the beatings back unto herself.

Willow had a few tears running down her face, which Oz noticed right away as he entered the library a second later. “What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting close to his girlfriend with a worried expression on his face. That was an odd thing in itself, since any facial expression at all was unusual.

Willow smiled and shook her head. “It’s nothing, just my best friend being almost raped by her step father.” I hugged her and Oz looked at me kind of expecting to know what was up.

“As I told Willow, nothing. I’m handling it.” Which was so not what I told Willow, but she nodded, and I knew she would fill Oz in on the details later, whether I actually wanted her to or not.

To add to his maximum one hundred words a day, Oz said, “I think you really need to get some help, Buffy. He won’t stop.”

I laughed hollowly, “You sound like Spike.”

“And I’m right, princess, you know I am.” Spike sat down beside me, a hickey clearly noticeable on his neck, but he didn’t seem to see the way I blanched at it and tears almost filled my eyes.

“It’s nothing, Spike.”

“Like hell it’s nothing. What’s with the scarf?”

I shook my head, but he grabbed at it before I could stop him and then the growl that emitted from him could have rivaled that of a grown male bear. “What the fuck is that, Buffy!?!” He yelled, staring at the chunk of skin missing from my neck. “What the fuck did that prick do to you?”

At that Giles and Jenny were drawn from the office and everyone glared at me, as if it were my fault that a piece of my skin was gone. In a small, squeaky voice, I replied, “He tried to rape me, then he bite me as a warning.”

Spike looked about ready to kill, and Giles’ face wasn’t much different. They both looked like the next person to walk through that door was about to die a painful death. Hurriedly I put the scarf back around my neck, and left to go to first class, hearing Spike’s hissed, “I’ll kill him with my bare hands,” as I let the tears fall that I had been repressing.

That night, after many, many, phone calls from every one of friends, a Social Worker, and two cops, I lay on my bed. Giles had finally given up and called the cops, and social services, but I had said that nothing was out of place. I think they thought I was lying though, and if they showed up here, Ted was sure to kill me for real. Chop me up real good, I bet.

The phone rang, then, and I groaned, since I had a private line and knew it had to be for me and no one else. Answering, begrudgingly might I add, I heard an unexpected, and totally unwanted voice on the other line. “Hello, Buffy,” Angel O’Connor said. “I trust you’ve rethought my proposition from yesterday?”

I laughed. Who cares how he got my number, it was still funny to think that Angel O’Connor still wanted to date me, even as a plan to get his skank back. “No, Angel. Actually I pushed it out of my mind, far out of my mind, never to rear its ugly head again. Or so I hoped.”

I could hear him counting to ten, and the steam coming out of his ears made a nice whistle. “Look, Summers, I know all about your little home situation, so if you don’t fucking help me out here, I’m going to tell everyone about the bite mark on your neck.” I gasped, how did he know? As if I said it out loud, Angel laughed. “Yeah, I do know. I was in the stacks looking for a history book when I heard Spikey’s little outburst. He rapes you, huh? That’ll look good in a nice article. I figured out that’s why you wear all those baggy ass clothes, and miss so much time, because you’re scared the bruises will show. Not so subtle, were you, Summers?”

I was staring at the door, scared that Ted had somehow heard the conversation and was going to come kill me at any moment. “Angel, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not doing some stupid prank to get your skank back, and you better not repeat anything you just said to me. You’ve got it all wrong anyway.” I hung up and brought my knees to my chest, scared shitless that someone would somehow find out and I’d be even more of a freak, or dead, either way.

Crying shaky ragged tears, I fell into an uneasy sleep still in my clothes and shoes from that day.

At school on Thursday I was walking to my locker, which was passed the cafeteria, and glancing in absently seen Spike sitting with his friends, and Drusilla hovering around in the background like usual, with Spike paying her more attention than the drugged up whore deserved. I shook my head and walked away, wondering again what Spike saw in her. She wasn’t even that pretty, unless you liked the mysterious, slightly crazy chick. Which apparently Spike did.

In history that day, Angel caught my eye and passed me a note that said, “Accept or everyone will know about that black eye you’re currently sporting.” I had thought concealer covered it up, but guess not. That morning Ted had been eating in the kitchen when I came in and got in his light, so he couldn’t read his newspaper so he punched me in the eye.

I glared back at him but knew my patience was dwindling. Maybe if I agreed he’d back off, and I might even get Spike out of the deal. Though I didn’t want him out of false pretences. I never wanted to trick him into dating me, I wanted him to date me because he wanted to date me. It’s not like I was desperate.

After school that day I noticed Angel was the only one left in the parking lot, leaning against his car as I came out. He pushed off and walked over to me, smirking, as he knew I was giving up.

“Fine,” I grumbled. “Just here are the rules: we do it gradually. No one will believe it if we turn up to school one day and be moony eyed. Two: no overly drastic stuff. Handholding, if I have to, hugging I guess, but only regular kissing. I am so not tonguing you I don’t care what anyone says about how good you are. And finally three: you are never ever going to be seen at my house, by anyone at school, and especially not by Ted. I want to survive till next week, got it?”

He smiled, the rules acceptable by him, and then we shook hands to seal the deal.

As I walked home that day I wondered what the hell I was thinking, and what the hell my friends would be thinking, because his only rule was no one, not even Willow, gets to know about the plan. “Well, Buffy,” I said to myself walking down the road, “You’ve really gone and stuck yourself in it this time, genius.” Yep, this would be interesting.

Life 6 – Invincible

This bloody road remains a mystery
This sudden darkness fills the air
What are we waiting for?

Won’t anybody help us?
What are we waiting for?

We can’t afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy
It’s a do or die situation
We will be invincible

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*

I walked into school that Monday with a sense of everyone looking at me and knowing. After Saturday night, most everyone in the school would have heard about Angel’s … appraisal of my goods.

I walked into the Bronze, after having chosen my sexiest outfit, as per Angel’s orders. I looked like a hoe looking for an easy lay, and I hated the amount of make-up I had been coerced into wearing. But, I was there, as he asked, and phase one would be put into place. It was an easy part of the plan, too, so nothing gross and embarrassing yet.

I walked over to the table where Willow and the gang sat, and they all stared open-mouthed at the outfit. It was skanky, but I had to wear a cute, low-cut sweater to cover up my bruises, and the dark nylons covered anything on my legs, especially with the dark atmosphere of the club. My leather mini-skirt, and knee-high leather boots, which Ted so didn’t know I owned, and did not see me leave the house in, gave the entire outfit it’s oomph, though. The mark on my neck I covered with a thick choker, not my usual scarf.

“What?” I asked innocently, feigning ignorance to the multitude of guys that were giving me the eye, everyone of them not Sunnydale High kids, but from the University here. “I decided to dress up for once.”

Willow blushed as I sat down and the skirt rode up a fraction of an inch higher. Xander smirked a little in appreciation, until Cordelia, similarly dressed may I add, hit him on the head and he quickly turned to her with the same look.

As per the plan, about a half hour after I got there, Angel arrived solo, and sat with his friends. No one noticed the secretive glance he gave me, and the slight nod in return. I got up and asked anyone if they wanted to dance, and Willow, Cordelia and Tara joined me on the floor. The four us danced, and I noticed Angel watching, as he was supposed to. He made some lewd joke to his buddy and then went to go get drinks. Good, as long as he was following everything right.

Later, at around 10:30, when I was about ready to leave, I walked to get my coat, and was knocked over, accidentally, by a drunk, burly jock, namely Angel. I glared at him, my usual form of greeting for the asshole. Then as I was walking away, Angel whistled and said, “Yo, Buffy, nice skirt. Damn, even that makes nerd ass look juicy and tender.” I glared at him, and he winked, then I left without a backwards glance.

I sighed as I entered the library, back in usual attire of baggy clothes, and smiled at everyone. They smiled back, and only Willow seemed to remember Angel’s comment, but said nothing except a pointed glance and a scribbled, “Angel sure was drunk the other night.”

I laughed and nodded, and then settled into the conversation around me, something about computers vs. books with Willow and Oz leading the computers side, and Giles fighting for his precious books. I giggled; Giles was very particular about books, because he just couldn’t get computers to work in his favor. When Jenny arrived a little while later, she joined in the computer debate, and when the bell rang, computers were clearly beating out the books. Giles conceded defeat and smiled as we all went to class.

At lunch that day, phase 1 and a half was put into order, Angel kept looking at me, and I would look back at him with a guarded smile. Xander followed my gaze once, but since Spike was sitting beside Angel, and Angel wasn’t looking at me, he figured I was mooning over Spike again. Shrugging he turned back to his current task, making out with Cordelia.

One time when I looked up, and Angel caught my gaze, he gave a slightly appreciative leer and Willow and Oz both caught it. Then they heard my responsive giggle, which I almost choked on. Willow raised her eyebrow and I heard her and Oz whispering, the only words I could understand were, what the, investigation, and weird. I shook my head, and walked off to get a book I needed from my locker, passing by the jock table. As I usually did, I smiled at Spike, and he high fived me, getting a growl from Vampirella, but I also ducked my head shyly when I passed Angel, giggling slightly nervously. When I reached the door, I heard Spike asking Angel what was up with that.

After two days of constant giggling whenever Angel was near, and ducking shyly, which was basically making me want to hurl since I was never like that with any crush… and since ‘any crush’ constituted Spike only, it was raising questions amongst everyone.

On Wednesday, however part two was to go into motion. It wasn’t a huge thing, but it was definitely necessary if people were to believe the story of our sudden dating.

I was walking down the hall, not paying attention, although in reality I was avoiding everyone except Angel, and crashed into him when he turned to yell something to one of the football players. I went sprawling on the floor, and everyone laughed, and then clammed up as Angel bent down and helped me actually pick my books up, and made sure I was okay. Everyone was stupefied, and it was then I noticed Spike and Drusilla in the back of the crowd, both wearing identical expressions of incredulity.

“Thanks, Angel, that’s really sweet of you,” I said, shyly, and he pulled me to my feet, my face mere inches from his. We both stepped back simultaneously, as if some unseen force was actually there, and he nodded before turning and walking the other way. I also turned and walked away, but as we got to the opposite ends of the hall, we both turned and looked at each other with a small smile. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Spike glancing at his notebook, and what I knew was actually hidden there: the paper he plucked out of the trash with ‘B + S = TLF’ written on it. He had folded it up really small and stuck it in the back of his scribbler, and ever since I seen him do it, I was wondering what the hell it meant, hoping against hope it meant what I thought it did.

At home that night Dawn knew I was acting even stranger than usual, and that it had something to do with Angel O’Connor, as she had heard me calling him last night. I smiled as she walked into my room with two pints of ice cream, one for me and one for her. “What’s up, Buff?” She asked, plopping onto my bed and curling her legs underneath her as she uncapped her pint and dipped into the monkey paws.

I opened my rocky road, then went back to my homework. “Nothing much, just doing some homework.”

She laughed, “You’re doing homework? Feeling well? Or is it for your hot English teacher?” Every girl in every single school, right up to elementary, knew about Mr. McCarthy, the hottie that got a lot of girl students signing up for his classes.

I smiled sarcastically, and she giggled. I happened to not have a crush on the guy, but yeah he was hot. “Yes, if you must know. I’m working on a story. Go away.”

She sidled up closer and read what I was writing, which actually wasn’t a story for English, but a written version of the plan. “What the hell is that?”

“I told you it’s a story.”

“A story in which you’re dating Angel and trying to win over Spike. Why did you call that guy last night anyway, hasn’t he made your life hell since like grade 2?”

“Yeah, he has, but it’s fictional. And we’re only fake-dating to break up Drusilla and Spike and then date them. Happy ending for all involved.”

Dawn’s eyes bugged out of her head and she stared at me like I’d grown three heads. “Oh yeah, and how much of this story is based on actual fact?”

I gulped guiltily, “The fact that Spike and Drusilla are dating?”

She gave me a ‘yeah, right’ look. “How much, Buffy?”

“All of it.”

“WHAT!?!” she yelled, earning a muffled, “Shut the fuck up,” from Ted who was watching the baseball game. Thank god he was leaving for bowling soon. “You’re dating Angel to try and win over Spike? Have you gone completely nuts, or do you still have some brains left in that blonde skull of yours?”

“No, if you must know, I’m doing it to get Angel off my back. I don’t want to date Spike,” She guffawed, “if he doesn’t want me back. I’d only ever date him if I were sure he was dating me for me, and not being tricked into it. So buzz off and mind your own business.”

She laughed, and her eyes held that new scoop glow reporters get. “No way, I need details. Have you kissed Angel yet?”

I sighed and resigned myself to the fact that she wouldn’t leave me alone until all details were spilt. “No, Dawn, we haven’t kissed. We’ve only looked at each other, he’s leered a few times, and today we ‘knocked’ into each other, and gave a kind of weird lover display. Or secret crush. Whatever, but we’re technically not dating yet. We’ve planned that for next week. Happy now?”

Dawn made an ick face, and I giggled at it. “No, actually I’m not happy. Why Angel?”

“Simple, he wants his Dru back, and I want Vampirella as far from Spike as possible.”

“For your own purposes.”

“Partly, yeah, because I want to date him. But mostly because she cheats on him, and he gets depressed every time she goes all wiggy and crazy, and the drugs are killing him. So all in all, she’s a bad influence on him, and he needs to get away from her.” Dawn smiled and then kissed me on the cheek. When we heard the door open and close downstairs and Ted pull away from the drive, she took the empty ice-cream containers downstairs. That’s what I loved about every second Wednesday; Ted was gone for the night.

Life Interlude – Photograph

Look at this photograph
Every time I’d ever it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey’s head

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo albums spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s time to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I stared down at the photo album of my childhood, each picture carefully preserved by an over meticulous mother. She made sure every single moment that was ever important or otherwise was perfectly preserved for years and years to come. It was the way she used to be, when Dad was still around, but they aren’t many happy photos after he left.

I smiled at the photo of when the gang and me, back then it only consisted of Spike, Willow and Xander, went to the zoo for a school trip. It was the best day, because Spike bought me an ice cream and went around calling me sugar lips all day, even though I was only 8 at the time. I thought for sure we would grow up and get married someday.

That day Xander wanted to go check out the hyena cages, and we all went with him, even though technically we had to stay with the groups we were assigned. Since the only other people in our group was Amanda, Kristin, and Kyle, plus Mrs. Shepard the nerdy teacher, it was pretty easy to slip away, especially with Mrs. Shepard always out of it.

So we skipped our little 8-year-old feet to the hyena cage, but me and Willow didn’t get to close, the hyenas growled a lot. But Spike and Xander got right up to them, and like the brave warriors they were, climbed up the little rock ledge to put their faces right against the glass. Willow was squealing a lot, she had a crush on Xander and thought he was going to fall in, but I knew Spike was to much of a man to do something stupid like fall into the hyena pit.

Just at that moment, however, one of the hyenas took to screeching with all it’s might, and Spike freaked out, and the three of us ran back to our group. We thought Xander had come with us, but when we got back, he wasn’t there. We tried to tell Mrs. Shepard but she didn’t notice anything wrong, and by the time we got back to school, and other teachers noticed Xander missing the zoo was closed, and everyone had gone home. It wasn’t until 10 o’clock that night that Mrs. Harris finally got hold of the caretaker of the zoo, and managed to get her son out of the locked hyena cage. He was shaking and crying and didn’t say a single word. He only glared a little when someone asked what it was like.

The next Monday when we went back to school everyone knew about the boy stuck in the cage, and he was nicknamed ‘Hyena Boy’ because for two straight weeks after that he didn’t say a single word, just growled at anyone trying to talk with him. He had Spike, Willow, and me completely freaked out, and when he finally started talking again, the first thing he said to us, or rather to Willow, was “It was horrible,” and then he didn’t say another word for two days. But, two days later, it was like he was back to normal, and we never mentioned the ‘Hyena Boy’ adventure again. Whenever anyone happens to suggest going to the zoo, however, Xander is always conveniently busy.

I grinned at the photo, the one being of me and Spike eating ice cream, with Spike’s free arm slung around my shoulders protectively. Willow had taken the shot, and the next one was of Xander acting like a monkey outside their area. The innocence was always what got me about these times. How completely unaware of everything we were; of how entirely cruel the world could be to those that least deserved it.

The next page of photos were all from the hospital, almost everyone with me in my hospital bed, and Spike curled around me telling me a story or sleeping from the amount of exhaustion he was experiencing.

We were all 8 and a half, Spike was 10, and I was playing over at his house, in his tree house, when Spike play pushed me and I lost my balance and fell out. I toppled all the way to the ground, losing consciousness, and breaking my leg in three places. Mom always says how lucky I was it wasn’t my neck I broke. Spike ran crying to the house, yelling that he killed me, and Giles came quickly, scooping me up, and taking me to the hospital, Spike crying uncontrollably in the front seat.

Of course, when I woke up and yelled at him that I was going to kill him for putting me in pain, he stopped crying and gave me a big hug, then ran to hide behind Giles. It hurt like hell, breaking my leg, but I was given a lot of children’s Tylenol and I slept a lot too. I was in the hospital for three days, since the doctor needed to run tests, and there was a lot of jostling to my organs as well. When I finally got released Spike was so happy, he threw a party, which ended up being at my house, since he didn’t want to look at the tree house. It was taken down about six months later, Spike claiming to have outgrown it.

I laughed, and at Dawn’s call, ran downstairs to eat dinner. The picture albums were completely torn apart and strewn all over my floor, as I was taking a lot of pictures and putting them in frames. When Dawn and I had finished doing the dishes, she volunteered to come up and help me with the framing.

We laughed when we discovered an entire half of a photo album dedicated to Dawn’s ‘special’ 7th birthday, which took place about 2 months before Dad left. We invited Xander, Willow, and Spike, so I wouldn’t get bored, and about 15 of Dawn’s friends, and all went to the Hi-5 concert down in L.A. Let me tell you, 16 7 year olds in three vans, for a two hour drive was not a happy event. But since all the grown-up kids, how grown up are you at 10 and 13?, were each separated to help look after the kids, the ride down and back was the worst thing ever. Lucky Spike and Xander got to go in the same van.

When we got there, things went from bad to worse, as Hi-5 was a total baby group to us, and we sort of hung around the back, staying as far from the crowd as possible. At the time, however, the Hi-5’ers were all about 15 and 16, and Willow and I gushed about how cute Curtis Cregan was. Spike took to thinking, and then a slow lazy smirk crossed his features.

“Okay, you think Curtis is so damn sexy, then go talk to him. He’ll never talk to a 10 yr old, no matter what you want to believe.” I glared at Spike and he laughed, so I gathered all my courage and walked to the area where the group was taking a break.

“Hey Curtis, I’m Buffy. My little sister Dawn is celebrating her 7th birthday, and we tagged along to watch them,” he smiled at me, and I went mushy inside.

“Yeah, I saw you guys, a lot of little kids, huh?”

“Yeah, but I don’t mind. I love Dawn, even though she’s a huge pain in the neck most of the time.” He laughed, so I blurted a question, to keep the conversation going, “Got a girlfriend?”

He chuckled, a lot, and I blushed crimson. “How old are you like 9?”

“13,” which was the truth, I just didn’t add that it wasn’t for three more years.

“You look younger than that.”

“Well, I get it all the time, but I’m not. Want to see my ID, officer?”

He grinned, “Some other time maybe. And no, I’m single. Traveling a lot with the group prevents any sort of relationship. Sorry, kid.”

I bustled a little at the term ‘kid’, but smiled, got his autograph for Dawn, and walked back to Spike and the gang. He glared at me and then went to search for his Dad, who had agreed to be the third chaperone.

“What’s his problem?” I asked, staring from one friend to the other.

“Dunno, he sorta clammed up when Curtis was talking to you and then steam starting coming out of his ears,” Xander replied, hurrying off to find out what was with his best bud.

The picture that I chose to frame from then was actually before we got to the concert, of me and the gang posing like clowns in the living room. Dawn nodded at the choice. I laughed when I remembered it took Spike three whole weeks to talk to me again, stubborn mule.

I opened another album and found page after page of my grade 9 graduation, which was after Cordelia and Xander started dating, Willow and Oz started dating, and Tara had moved to Sunnydale. It was also after Spike left the group, which was two years previous to the picture, when he started high school. I was 14 then, as it was last year, and I smiled at how happy I was. Mom and Ted hadn’t been together all that long, and the only blemish was his smiling face in the sidelines.

I stopped at one picture of Spike and me, me wearing the robes, and Spike wearing my cap. Even though it wasn’t a real graduation, Sunnydale Junior still made us were caps and gowns, just less fancy than those of Sunnydale High. Spike was holding me in his arms, with my arms stretched above our heads, in peace signs, and my legs straight out, a smile of intense happiness covering both our faces. That day had been the turning point in putting me and Spike’s friendship back together. When he turned to the ‘dark side’, as I call it, we hadn’t really talked much. Then for an entire year we stopped altogether. He wasn’t going to go, but Giles had made him, and when we seen each other, after almost a year and a half of not really talking, it was as if someone had finally fixed the hole in my heart. We talked, and we hugged, and then the picture was taken. Now, almost a year later, we’re a lot closer friends, but still not nearly as close as we were almost 3 years ago.

Life 8 – Never Had a Dream Come True

There’s no use looking back or wondering
Cause love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try
I just can’t say goodbye
No no no no

Never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I moved on
You’ll always be my baby
Never found the words to say
You’re the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me too
A part of me will always be with you

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Two weeks later, our plan was finally in full swing. It was common knowledge now that Angel and I were dating and that Drusilla was immensely jealous, her disdainful scorn every time we passed proved testimony to that easily. Dating Angel wasn’t all that hard either; I stopped cringing when he kissed me, and I gave up trying to pull away when he held my hand. I started feeling slightly giddy whenever he looked at me with the eyes of someone deeply in love, whether they were fake or not, and I found myself forgetting for long periods of time that he was only in it to get some hoe back. I was suddenly looking forward to going to dinner with him, or getting a quick kiss outside my locker, and whenever we were on lunch, and we stole away to the courtyard, in a shadowed corner, where anyone could see, I loved the feel of his hands on my waist as he drank my kisses like the elixir of life. I absolutely adored the little gifts he showered me with, but even with everything running so smoothly, I could always look at him and be brought back to reality in a single leap. All one had to do was stare for more than five seconds, and it was obvious all his love and affections for me were false and that my newfound love for Angel was falsely residing in a dream, an illusion, of having a real boyfriend who actually cared.

I didn’t care though, whenever I looked at Drusilla now, I felt a certain sense of triumph over the deranged girl, knowing I had her man, and she had Spike. Whenever I looked at Spike, however, the old feelings lingered on the outskirts of my reality, but the illusions of popularity dating a jock offered, and the sudden thrust into a real, or fake depending on the point of view, relationship drove the reasoning behind the coupling straight out of my mind. I could look at Spike and Drusilla kissing and only smile sadly, rather than lose all hope and break down considerably. This newfound peace was much more gratifying then my old obsessions and deferred dreams. To top all of it off, I hardly seen Ted, and hadn’t been hit since the day he gave me a black eye, which was completely healed, as were all my other scars. I was transformed, a fact that Willow took the opportunity to point out at one of my reprieves from being fakely popular.

“What’s up with the happy glow in you, Buffy? You’re so changed lately, and you haven’t winced in ages.”

I giggled, “Well, I have no pain. Ted hasn’t touched me in over two weeks, and hasn’t touched Dawn in almost 6. Everything is finally good. Maybe Spike was wrong, and the guy grew a heart.” The hopefulness in my tone fell flat, as I knew the real reason for not touching us lately was because he hasn’t been home much, and when he is, Dawn and I are conveniently elsewhere. It’s becoming a very good system.

“That’s good,” She didn’t comment on my statement, but simply gave me a yeah right in your dreams look, the one she patented early on in my crushing on Spike.

“Yeah it is. And Angel’s amazing. I never knew he could be so kind.” Willow still didn’t know about the plan, which was the way Angel had wanted it, so it was easy to lie to Willow.

“And being popular must be different from the same old nerdiness of hanging with us library geeks,” Willow’s tone was teasing, but the sad tinge to her voice didn’t go unheard, just ignored for the time being.

“Sorry, Will, but Angel doesn’t want to sit with us, and you guys would never accept him at our lunch table. Plus, Spike makes hanging with Angel’s friends a little easier. And we usually just hang out together, hardly ever in a big group. Angel seems to like the more private relationships, which is the way I enjoy it too.”

Willow nodded, accepting the reasoning, and looking sheepish for her tease. “Still love it better if you agreed to come to my house this Saturday for our monthly movie and popcorn bash at my house. Angel can come too,” she added hastily as an afterthought.

“Oh, Wills, I already told you. I wish I could, but that Saturday, Spike’s band is playing at the Bronze and Angel made plans to go see him. You guys should go to that, though, we haven’t seen Spike play in forever.”

“Well, Oz and Tara and Xander are into respecting tradition, but maybe, I’d love to see him play. If we went, would you at least hang, or talk, to us?”

“’Course I would, sweetie! I would never completely ditch you guys for some guy. What am I insensitive?” We laughed, and then headed to our first classes of the day.

After school that day, Willow called me on the phone, and launched immediately into a tirade apparently brought on by my staring at Spike and Dru at lunch today. “I may have been across the room, Buffy Anne Summers, but you were looking at Spike as if you hated Drusilla so much, you’d kill her just to get her out of the way. Everyone knows Angel and Drusilla dated, and that Angel loved her more than he ever loved any of his other girlfriends so fess up! You’re only dating Angel to break them up!”

I scoffed, and silently cringed, Angel would do damage when he found out she knew. “Of course not, Willow! Where would you get such random notions? Me and Spike are friends, and I’m dating Angel.”

“Please Buffy, I knew from the beginning something was going on, and I figured it out didn’t I? For the sake of our friendship, and our oath of the teddy, don’t you dare lie to me.”

I agreed guiltily, but swore Willow to secrecy and hung up with a cold dread seeping into all my pores. “Gulp,” I whispered to myself.

On Saturday I was dressed to go dancing, but not to Ted would get suspicious. If he seen me leaving the house, the skirt goes to my knees, and flows when I twirl, and the shirt dips low, but is also long, so it balances each other out. My hair was done nicely, and my make-up perfected, everything made ready for Angel’s and my first real outing as a couple. We had been together on dates before, but never to something as high classed as the Bronze. Once you dance together at the Bronze, it’s really sealed.

Angel, as per my rules, met me half a block from the house, and then we drove the rest of the way. We laughed, and joked, and he made obscene gestures to a van full of cheerleaders, all from Hemery High in LA. It felt good.

When we got to the Bronze, Spike wasn’t playing yet, so we went to sit in a darkened corner, away from most people, and just chatting. We weren’t even all that close. I looked around when Angel went to get me a drink, and didn’t see Willow and the gang. Slightly disappointed that my friends didn’t show, I was moping when Angel returned and handed me my soda. “What’s up?”

“Nothing just was looking forward to spending some quality time with Willow, Oz, Tara, Callie, Xander, and Cordy.”

“Why? You’re on a date with me. Who else could be more fun?” He led me to the dance floor as Spike’s band started setting up, and I heard him add, “Besides those friends of yours are total geeks. Why do you think Spike left you guys? You should get out too, Buffy, you’re pretty cool for a nerd.”

I whirled around, “Excuse me?” I practically growled the two words. “Remember that me doing this is a favor to you. I can quit any day, I don’t care about some useless idle threats you make. Without me the plan is rather moot isn’t it? A couple more days of us kissing and I’ll be rid of you forever, Vampirella’s about to crack. But, if you insist on dissing my friends, I can cut the plan early. Try me, Angel, I dare you.” He just scoffed and his deathlike grip that he had on my arm tightened until it burned my skin and was rubbing it raw.

“Look, Summers, you will help me till I get Dru, and there will be no backing out of our deal got it.” I was right up in his face, and he looked angry, and scary enough to hurt me more, so I relented, but I noticed Spike staring at Angel strangely the rest of the night.

We danced a little, then I claimed to be tired, but I wanted to sit closer to Spike and the band, so we moved to a table nearer the stage. Angel didn’t speak much to me later on later that night, except when a buddy came over and he had to make it look good. Drusilla even sidled up to him at one point, and by the way her fingernails were running over his chest, I was pretty damn sure it wasn’t a gun in his jeans.

That night I didn’t go home, just called mom and told her I was staying at Willow’s. We had left the Bronze as soon as Spike finished his set, so it was only 10:30 when I arrived at Willow’s. They were only on the 2nd of 4 movies, and there was plenty of popcorn left.

I figured out quite early on that Willow had told them all it was only a plan, when Xander asked me how being fakely popular was working out for me.

“Shut up. Tonight was horrible, guys. Angel made this dish about you guys, and I threatened him, and he grabbed my arm, then Spike was staring at him all night, and Angel wouldn’t talk to me, and my arm hurts right now.” Willow walked over to inspect the damage, but to Dr. Rosenberg it was all good, and no permanent damage was going to be resultant.

“I knew you’d come over Buffy,” Tara said, grinning around her glass of soda. “I could sense it.”

“All kidding aside, Tar, your mojo kinda freaks me out sometime.” We all laughed. Tara had a tendency to dream something and have it happen, or have something unexplained happen two feet away, or her weirdest talent, reading people’s auras and knowing exactly what they were feeling. She would make a great psychologist someday, her chosen career.

We all fell asleep piled around Willow’s room and I knew my life was finally where it was supposed to be – with my friends.

Life 9 – Mockingbird

I can see you’re sad
Even when you smile
Even when you laugh
I can see it in your eyes
Deep inside you want to cry
Cause you’re scared I ain’t there
Daddy’s with you in your prayers
No more crying Wipe them tears
Daddy’s here No more nightmares

Now no more worries
Rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we’ll wake up
And this all just be a dream

Now hush little baby don’t you cry
Everything’s gonna be alright
Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady
I told you, daddy’s here to hold you through the night

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

On Wednesday of the next week, something amazingly odd happened to Dawn and me: we got a call from our Dad. We hadn’t had one in about 6 months, so this was a huge surprise. Usually he sent a little scribbled note on a postcard when he remembered, or it was one of our birthdays. Hell, he usually forgot those anyway. So, hearing his voice on the other end when I picked it up was definitely not of the norm.

“Hello, is Buffy there?” came the all-too-formal tone of voice my father used when he suspected it was Ted on the line. They didn’t get along well, but they used to be best friends. Something about your wife cheating on with another man to make the husband hate the other man.

“Daddy, it’s me,” I answered, wondering why in the world he was calling. Even more shocking was that a local payphone had come up on the caller ID.

“Hey, pumpkin! I was wondering what you were doing for oh... the next two or three hours?”

“Not much, just homework.” My curiosity, usually an asset was failing me, “Daddy, are you in town?”

“How did you guess?”

“Payphone, local. Should’ve used the cell, better chance of disguising your in townness. But, oh my god, you’re in town! This hasn’t happened since... well, a really long time. What are you doing here?”

“Came to see you and Dawn. She around?”

“Nah, she’s at Janice’s. I could call her if you want, though.”

“No, for this afternoon it’ll just be me and my eldest hanging out, how’s that sound?”

“Is there some form of shopping *cough* clothes *cough* involved here?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t arrive in town without enough money to shower my daughters with whatever they wanted, would I? What am I, insensitive?”

I laughed, and went to get changed. I was supposed to meet Dad at the mall in an hour, but mom and Ted weren’t home and I wasn’t supposed to leave without their permission. A classic Ted rule, of course. Tapping my foot impatiently as to what I was supposed to do, I finally threw my arms in the air, wrote a note, and left quickly.

I was at the meeting site a good 15 minutes before Dad, and as I was watching people go by me, I noticed Spike in a gift shop. The shop specialized in girlie items, mostly perfumes and teddy bears and the like, but nothing I’d figure Drusilla to be really into. Getting curious, I strolled over and noticed in his hand a purple box with the letter B engraved on top in gold lettering. The detailing was all gold, and the fabric looked silky, with tiny flowers embroidered into it. It had a little ballerina, my first lifelong dream, inside that twirled and the music for Hush Little Baby was playing. It had compartments for rings, and necklaces, and opened on top, and a little drawer that pulled out. Essentially, it was the absolute perfect gift for me.

As I watched from the corner, behind a rack of boas and hats, I seen him pay for the box and have it specially wrapped. Then he wrote a card, which was pink and after he left I went to investigate to find out it said, ‘With all my love’ and had a picture of a two teddy bears hugging. Confused beyond belief, especially at the ‘B’ that was on the box.

“It’s not nice to snoop, pumpkin.” My dad’s voice, so close to my ear, made me jump and I whirled around to see him watching me with an amused expression.

“Daddy!” I yelled, running to give him a big hug. “What do you mean, snooping?” I asked as we broke away, “I was just looking at the card.”

“I saw you watching Spike as he bought whatever he was buying. Still in love with him are you?”

I grinned, and ducked my head shyly as I answered in a small voice, “always and forever.”

“That’s my girl.”

We walked around, talking about everything, and even met up with Spike outside Baskin Robbins where we all bought a cone. I couldn’t help noticing however that whenever I would look down he shifted the Arena’s bag out of my line of sight. Hope was welling within me to the point of internal explosion. I knew that I must’ve had the dorkiest grin on my face the entire time we were talking to Spike.

It wasn’t until we were headed to his hotel room, laden with an enormous amount of shopping, that he brought up home. “It’s fine,” I replied, rather quickly.

“Really?” His skepticism made me cringe a little, and I walked ahead of him to the door, waited for him to open it, and then went to sit on the bed, flipping the TV on. “Buffy, what’s with the bruises?”

“What bruises?”

“The ones you tried desperately to hide with make-up and long sleeves and everything imaginable ever since I left.”

“What are you talking about? You haven’t even been here forever, you wouldn’t be able to tell what’s going here.”

“Maybe I have been gone a lot,” he said, as he sat down beside me on the bed, shut the TV off, and turned me to face him. “But I am still your father, and I have my sources.”

“Stupid Giles,” I muttered, knowing full well that the librarian was the culprit.

“Yes, Giles called and told me what was going on. He has been keeping me updated for the last two years, Buffy, and I want...”

I cut him off there, as I burst into tears. “Two years, huh? Then why didn’t you come rescue me sooner? Were you punishing us for choosing mom over you? Is that why you let him molest Dawnie, and beat me till I’m black and blue? Is that why you let him bite a chunk out of my neck as a prelude to the violent rape that he says is going to follow? Is that why you stayed away, Dad?” I was practically shouting at him, and I saw the tears flood his eyes long before he realized they were even there.

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry. I never knew it was that bad. I only knew that he was hitting you. Giles only told me the bare minimum, always saying that you had it under control.”

“I didn’t,” I finally admitted that, even to myself. “I don’t. God, Daddy, everything is so screwed up. Ted hasn’t beaten us in awhile, but I’m dating this jock at school so as to break Spike and his hoe up, because Angel wants to date Drusilla, and I want Spike, and I’m scared to death to go home so more and more often I’m going over to Willow’s and Dawn to Janice’s. And I’ve wanted you here for so long, and you weren’t, and all this time I thought you were punishing me and Dawnie for being bad daughters.” I broke down then, finally in the comforting embrace of my Dad, the one man I could truly count on, other than Giles of course.

Late that night Dad dropped me and my parcels off at my house, with a kiss and a hug and a promise that he would pick Dawn and me up after school tomorrow and take us somewhere. Anywhere we wanted to go. I told him anywhere but 1630 Revello Drive would work best for us.

I walked into the house and the first thing I came in contact with was Ted’s fist. I cried out, but Dad was already halfway down the street and nobody was around to me hear me. “What the hell was that for?”

“You broke the rules. You left without asking first. So now, you face the consequences.”

“Jesus Christ, Ted, I left a note. It was my dad, not some random guy, so I didn’t think anyone would mind.”

“You thought wrong, princess. I mind, I mind very very much.” With that he slapped me hard across the face, and I glared at him, pushing past him to go to my room. He smirked and slammed me on the floor, a jack knife appearing in his hand, the blade glaring at me angrily and punishingly. “Now you face the consequences,” he repeated, saying each word with a step towards me.

Pushing off the floor, I was up the stairs in a second, fumbling with the lock on my door, but too scared to really do anything about it. As I heard his footfalls hitting the top stair, I grabbed my cordless and lunged for my window, getting it thrown open and a foot out, before feeling strong hands pull me back in, shut and lock the window, and throw me on the bed. “Ain’t going anywhere, princess. Fun’s only starting, wouldn’t want to miss the action, would you?”

He was twisted into a mask of grotesque hatred and anger, his entire body humming with the lust and rage fueling his actions. I knew that my leaving wasn’t his reason for such an anger, but I really didn’t care what spurred him on that time. The only thing I cared about was getting him off me, especially when he tied my flailing arms to my headboards. My legs soon followed, until I was tied in a spread eagle shape, completely vulnerable to this monster.

The metal blade of his knife was cold and uncaring as he cut my clothes off me, leaving me in my black bra and matching panties, which he had always liked, since they were sexy. I knew the fact that I was wearing them was making him more excited, because he clucked his tongue, and leered at me until I gagged. “Get away from me you sick freak!” I yelled, but he slapped him with the hand holding the knife, so it sliced my cheek, and then he tied one of my scarves around my mouth so I couldn’t talk.

Tears were flowing out of my closed eyes as I heard him undress. I choked a little on a sob that couldn’t escape and then he was completely naked on top of him, and the knife was slicing silently into my skin, as easily as butter. I shuddered, crying out behind the gag, as I was tortured. As he cut and raped me, I gave up my struggle, the amount of blood seeping out of me making my movements sluggish and futile.

When he finally got up, got dressed and left without a word, he left me on the bed, bleeding, gagged, crying, naked, and tied up. I could hear him packing a bag and then the front door open and close, and I knew he was gone. Somehow I managed to not cry at all, and by means of an impossible amount of struggling, ripped one of my hands free. Then I untied the other one, and my feet. Quickly, even though something in the back of my head told me not to, I ripped the sheets off my bed, and then threw then in a garbage bag, and tied it up. I didn’t want anyone to know. Moving a little slower now, I went up to the shower, and sat in the bottom of the tub, the sobs wracking my body as the water beat down overhead punishingly. My arms wrapped around myself and I rocked back and forth on my knees praying it was all a dream. All I had to do was look like my arms and stomach and legs to know it wasn’t, the angry red gashes left from the knife were screaming angrily in protest.

When it finally occurred to me that the shower overhead was freezing cold, I dragged myself out, and put on my ugliest nightgown. It was long with flannel ducks, and lace up the throat. It irritated the knife wounds, but I took it as needed.

Blindly I grabbed a set of sheets, and made my bed without even noticing I was. Then I crawled in and cried myself to sleep.

Life 10 – Awake In A Dream

Never thought that one day
You'd be come a part of my life
Still you were always with me
When I lay my head down at night
Could you really be here with me
And has my wish come true tonight


Cuz now, now it seems
I'm wide awake in this dream
And I'd do, I'd do anything
To stay here forever (ah)
And if this is a dream
I'm not going to wake up (oh)
But if I'm awake, I won't close my eyes again

Yeah, yeah

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

I lay in bed the next Wednesday, just crying my eyes out. I hadn’t left my room in over a week now, and no one knows why, not even Dawn but they all have their suspicions. The morning after Ted left I went back into the shower and scrubbed myself until most of my wounds were flowing fresh blood. Feeling weak, I bandaged them up, and grabbed the rattiest looking outfit I owned, and then I sat in front of my window crying.

Mom came in then and demanded to know where Ted was. “How the fuck do I know, Mom?” I asked, not angry, not even sad, just very numb and surreal.

“Don’t use that language with me, young lady. He came home last night with me, but then I had an emergency and left. You weren’t home but he said he’d wait for you. Then I come home; you’re in bed and Ted’s missing. So, where did he leave?” Joyce Summers looked beyond angry and the worst part was that most of her anger seemed to be directed at me.

Getting angry myself, I pushed away from the chair and stared at her, disbelief and anger written all over my face. “Open your goddamn eyes mom! Where the hell do you think all these bruises come from? Why do you hear Dawnie crying in the middle of the night? Why do you think Dawn and me leave 75% of the time and spend the night at our friend’s? Oh yeah, I forgot, didn’t I? You know, you just don’t give a flying fuck about your daughter’s and what happens to them. Who cares if they’re raped all the time, beat till they bled and not to mention stabbed and cut up, so long as you have your precious Ted! God you really are one selfish bitch! The only reason I stayed here was because I was scared that if I took Dawnie and ran he would start on you. You want to know what I think now, huh? I hope to fucking hell he does. Maybe then you’ll know why I can’t stand the sight of your cheerful face in the morning, or hate you every minute of every day for your unmarred perfect fucking skin!”

Mom stood there and was completely shellshocked for a moment before bursting into tears and running from the room. I sighed and sank to my bed, crying anew.

Now, on Wednesday, I still haven’t seen her, and Dawn keeps asking what happened but I just can’t talk about it. Not yet. Maybe someday, when I don’t feel so dirty and gross.

When Dawn went to see Dad he berated her with pretty much the same questions, and she came clean, on everything. Including the molestations, and he made a promise to her that everything would change. Everything would be better, he would move back and we could live with him or something. He’d fix this. He tried going to the cops, but without a Ted to be found, and with all traces of evidence washed from Dawn, and me not coming out of my room, they couldn’t actually charge him with anything.

On Monday of the next week, I woke up and Dawn was sitting beside my bed, holding a cup of hot cocoa, and a slice of toast with the yummy apricot jam spread on top. “So here’s the deal: You’ve been moping and sulking for too long, and from this point on you are going back to school and putting whatever happened behind you. If I’m right, then it was so not your fault and beating yourself up and crying all the time isn’t helping the healing process.”

I smiled weakly at Dawn and ate my breakfast silently, before she all but dragged me from my bed and threw me in the bathroom with a simple: Get ready or else threat.

When I came downstairs all dressed and ready, both mom and Dawn applauded, but when I glared at Mom she quickly left to go onto the back porch.

I made the first step, and when I entered school that day everything had changed. The first sign of change I noticed was Angel and Drusilla walking past, Angel simply saying, “We’re over, Goldie.” I shrugged and walked to my locker. As I was putting my books in I stopped and finally realized that yes, Drusilla was holding Angel’s hand, and yes they were very much together. Which means that Spike and Drusilla were very much not. Grinning for the first time in a week, I skipped off to the library.

Willow let out a huge eep! when she seen me and flung her arms around me. I didn’t even flinch when she squeezed one of my cuts too tightly. I was just glad to finally be back with my friends. I took turns being passed around for everyone to have a hug, then when I got to Giles he whispered into my hair so no one else could hear: “He’s all yours, Buffy, don’t blow it.” I blushed when we pulled back and he said louder, “It’s so good to finally have you back, Buffy. Good Lord, we’ve all missed you.”

I smiled at them, but when Xander started to ask where I was, Willow quickly shot him a look but my visible flinch and very audible whimper. I so was not ready to tell any of them yet. Hell, I wasn’t ready to tell myself that.

Willow hooked arms with me and together we left to go to our first class, which was the only one we had together: PE. Xander and Oz were also in our class, and Cordy if she wasn’t ‘sick’ but they said they’d meet us there. “So, Buffy, Spike’s single now… what are you going to do about it?”

“Hopefully make him un-single with a certain blonde.”

Willow’s nose wrinkled, “Eww, Harmony?”

I swatted her arm and we both laughed and I realized that Dawn was right. I did need out of that bedroom, which was slowly driving me to insanity.

As we walked into the class, I was suddenly jerked back out with a hand over my mouth and dragged into the nearest janitor closet. After he turned the light on and I had officially bitten his hand, I realized it was Spike. “What the fuck!?! Bad thing to do to me, moron. God, should be glad I didn’t kick you in your balls, it was my next target.”

He winced and then mumbled a sorry. “I just needed to talk to you.”

“A simple, ‘psst, hey Summers’ wouldn’t have sufficed?” I glared at him, my elation that it was Spike kidnapping me was put to the back burner.

Spike held his hands up in surrender. “Psst, hey Summers?” he asked, grinning at me crookedly.

“What do you want, Spike? And make it quick, I’m late for PE.” Even as I said that, I knew that I was so much better right where I was. I hated PE for all its shorts and tee shirts and violence. It wasn’t the class that made me want to jump up and down in joy.

“Well…” he suddenly looked nervous and I just noticed that he had a bag in his hands. Also, there was a certain purple jewelry box that I could just make out in the bag. “See, the thing is, I broke up with Drusilla.”

I mumbled, “Finally,” and his head snapped up.

“What was that?”

“Oh, nothing. Continue. You broke up with Vampirella.”

He grinned and then I heard a whispered, “Fuck this,” before I was in his arms and his lips were against mine in a heated kiss, which I immediately returned, wrapping my arms around his neck, my hands tangling in his curls.

When he needed breath, he pulled away, but I didn’t let him go far and he rested his head against mine. “That was a different twist,” I whispered and he laughed.

“I know. Sorry about that, I just really wanted to kiss you. For basically the last, well, all of our lives.”

“Took you long enough, dork.” He grinned and kissed me again, before I heard a “Uh-hmm,” coming from beside us. Grinning sheepishly, we turned to face Willow, Xander, and Oz all standing there with identical smirks on their faces.

”Oy, you lot, don’t you have some class to be?” Spike asked, glaring mockingly.

Willow nodded and pointed across the hall, “But we’re missing a team player.”

Suddenly I remembered the scars on my arms and legs and I shook my head, profusely, glaring angrily at the gym doors. “I can’t go in there. I’m sorry.”

Spike looked down at me and then squeezed my arm. I didn’t wince at that, but when he put pressure on my stomach I let out a gasp of pain. Staring at me in concern, he dropped to his knees in front of me and pulled my shirt up, exposing the angry red scars still highly visible on my stomach.

Turning away, I pushed his hands away, and a stray tear fell onto his cheek, from my eyes. Suddenly the walls were closing in on me and I knew I had to leave, so I ran, and heard them coming behind me. I didn’t stop though, just kept going until I hit the fresh air, then I dropped to my knees and sobbed. Spike caught up to me first and wrapped his arms around me.

I left early, Spike coming with me, and we drove to my house. Sobbing when I noticed the telltale red corvette in the driveway I buried my face into his shoulder, and he held me as I cried. Spike told me to wait there and then he climbed the tree leading to my window, and jumped in. I watched openmouthed for about 10 minutes before I seen Spike coming back out with two duffel bags, one mine, one Dawn’s, and he climbed back down the tree.

Coming over to the car, he threw the bags at me and told me to see if he missed anything. I looked into Dawn’s first and smiled as he even remembered her parrot Becko and then when I looked into mine I laughed out loud. He just had to pack all of my ‘sexy’ underwear. Even if he did remember to get some of the turtlenecks and even some nicer shirts and pants, and my make up kit, my toothbrush, and my pig Mr. Gordo, he had to bring the sexy underwear.

Grinning he slid in beside me, and wrapped his arms around me. “You’re not going back there. I can’t let you. So, you can come to my house, and Dawn can go to Janice’s.” When I opened my mouth to say something, he put his finger there and laughed, “You can stay in the guest room.”

I smiled at him, bringing his head down for a kiss, whispering against his lips, “Thank you, William.”

Life 11 – There Goes My Life

All he could think about was
I'm too young for this
Got my whole life ahead
Hell, I'm just a kid myself
How'm I gonna raise one?

All he could see were his dreams
Goin' up in smoke
So much for ditchin' this town
And hangin' out on the coast
Oh well, those plans are long gone.
And he said,

There goes my life
There goes my future
My everything
Might as well kiss it all good bye
There goes my life.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next three weeks were complete bliss. I spent all my time at Spike’s, or Willow’s, or Xander’s, and mom even stopped calling my cell at all hours asking when I was coming home. I told her when she got rid of that piece of trash and she finally took the hint and stopped calling. Mostly I stayed at Willow’s, but Giles was always telling me to come on over and I could stay in the guest room so more than a few times I spent nights there. Most of the time Spike would sneak in after Giles was asleep and we’d spend the night in each other’s arms, just talking or sleeping whatever we wanted to do. He would sneak back to his bed sometime in the middle of the night, but I noticed the way Giles would look at us during breakfast and I think he knew what we were up to.

We only had one, I wouldn’t call it argument, but more of a setback, in that beautiful three-week period, and it was over sex. Spike and me had been going at it pretty good and then he started reaching up under my shirt and as soon as he touched my breast I freaked out.

“What’s wrong, luv?” he asked staring at me in confusion as I was pacing in front of the sofa.

“We … we… can’t,” I finally managed shaking as if it wasn’t Spike sitting there but Ted. I could feel the cold steel in my arm and in my belly; I could feel the pain of being ripped apart for my first time. I heard the ugly words and felt every slap he had ever managed to land on me. Felt every single tear I had ever shed. Hugging my arms around my arms around myself I stared at Spike in horror, and he looked like someone had just killed his dog.

“Baby, talk to me. What did I do wrong?” He was talking to me like a child; I could hear it in his voice. He was talking me down from the bridge like I was some sort of fucking JD about to plunge to my death. That thought made me stop and with a sob I realized I was that fucking JD about to take the death plunge.

“No, no, no, stop, please…” I begged falling to my knees and cupping my hands over my ears.

Spike knelt beside me and tried to talk to me and suddenly I glared at him. “Fuck off, Spike! You have no idea what it’s like to be raped! You have no idea what it’s fucking like to be ripped apart!” I was in such a rage, not at him really, but at Ted, that I didn’t realize I had finally admitted it. “You’re acting like I’m about to pop a bunch of pills, well guess what sweetheart it would be better then living here all the time! Living in this hell! What would you do if every time you closed your eyes you heard your own cries of pain? Every time you went to sleep you felt blood seeping through your closed wounds? You don’t know! You act like you do but you just fucking don’t know!”

With that I ran out of the house and finally crumpled in the park and sobbed my pain out to the homeless man who was hiding under the slide. Spike showed up not more than 5 minutes after I arrived and held me as I let everything leave me. When I was finally so tired I couldn’t move, he picked me up and carried me back to his house, tucking me in and then as I fell asleep I heard him confessing everything to Giles.

Staring into his face now, you wouldn’t even think that just a week ago he had found out exactly what he’d feared. I knew that when I was ‘sleeping’ him and Giles were talking about Ted and what to do about him. I even heard Giles talking to the police. They doubled their search for Ted and Giles made Dawn move into his place. He said that Janice’s was nice enough, but he would feel safer with Dawn under his roof. He gave her his bedroom, since I had the other guest bedroom, and he took to sleeping on the couch. We didn’t mind, but from that fateful night on, I wasn’t allowed to sleep over at Willow’s or Xander’s.

I was thankful at one of the rules Giles had laid down: No one was to be informed why until I was ready to tell. Not even Dawn. She had argued but it didn’t take long before she had acquiesced to Giles command.

So, when Giles went over to my house and found Ted sitting on the couch with a beer bottle and mom curled against him as if nothing was out of the ordinary, it was really no surprise when he came home with a broken wrist, bloodied nose, and black eye. He also had an assault charge, since he threw the first punch and was technically not my guardian or father, but the Sunnydale PD didn’t do much about it, just gave him a stern warning. But they did, haul Ted into custody, but he got out on bail. Giles said that the police were looking and needing more evidence to keep him. That’s when he asked me if I would testify.

I got so scared I went and threw up. It occurred to me as I sat on the tiled bathroom floor that that wasn’t the first time in the last few weeks. At 5 weeks since my rape, it would make sense. I sat there and cried as I realized that yes my last period was over a month and a half ago and that there was a huge possibility that – “You okay in there, luv?”

I looked up at Spike’s voice and walked to the sink, quickly rinsing before opening the door and smiling weakly. “Fine, why?”

“You ran out of there pretty quickly, and I figured you had gotten sick.” Spike stared at me with his head tilted, looking for all the world like he was trying to puzzle out why I looked different. I coughed loudly, my hand automatically flying to my stomach and moving Spike back into the living room.

“Told you, I’m fine. Stop with the interrogation already, geez,” I said, all in a rush and mentally admonished myself. ‘Act cool, Buffy, god!’ I berated myself. ‘Sides there isn’t that big of a possibility is there?’

“Ahh, there you are Buffy,” Giles said and I giggled as I noticed him clean his glasses. “You ran off so quickly I didn’t quite catch your answer. You will, of course, testify against the bastard won’t you?”

I swallowed hard, “Yeah of course. Except, nothing about, you know. Please? Just that he hit me. And stabbed me once or twice. And also bit a chunk out of my neck. Not that he… did that to me.” I was practically crying, and I could feel the tears threatening to fall as I begged.

Giles sighed, “You might have to Buffy.”

“It wouldn’t do any good, Giles! I washed away all the evidence. There’s nothing left, just some dumb knife scars that are really faint now.” I still was clutching my stomach and I hoped everyone though I was just sick.

“Yes, well, the physical evidence between the two of you is very slim, but you are a pair of respectable young women and that word alone is above and beyond that of an old tosser like him.” I breathed a sigh of relief, as Giles seemed to be getting off the idea.

Begging off dinner, I went out for a walk and ended up at the pharmacy. Scared beyond belief, I looked down and whispered, “If you are in there, I will love you no matter your parentage. Got it? Spike can be your daddy. He’ll love you like he should, don’t worry. And he would never beat and rape you like your real dad. Not dad, sperm donor. Your sperm donor that happens to share DNA with you.” I smiled and walk in with my head held high and grabbed a pregnancy test. The first one I could, without looking at it.

The lady behind the counter smacked her gum and stared at me thoughtfully. “Little young, aren’t you?” She asked, in what seemed to be a conversational tone of voice. “Well, I wouldn’t use this one. Expensive and hard as hell to read.” She grabbed my arm and walked me back to the aisle. “How far along do you think you are?”

I looked at my feet and mumbled, “5 weeks.”

“Well, this one will be perfect then.” And she handed me a Clearblue package. I smiled at her shyly and she grinned. As we walked back she told me of her past. “Don’t worry about it, kid, I was 13 when I first got knocked up. Not my fault of course, guy said that the condom was new. Turned out to be quite old. Anyways, I lost that one, but was pregnant again when I was 15-“ She stopped and looked at me, “How old are you, sweet cheeks?”

I grinned, “15,” and she laughed.

“Well, that one I had and kept. She’s 17 now, name’s Faith.” I snorted, but she ignored it and kept going, “Third pregnancy worked out too, he’s 11, name’s Connor.” She showed me pictures as she talked and when I left the pharmacy I was in a much more spirited mood and practically skipped home. She said her name was Anya and that she worked there every weekday, the night shift, so come back anytime I needed to talk, and to tell her how everything worked out with the kid.

My elation however left me as I stared at the pregnancy test with tears rolling down my cheeks. Re-reading the instructions I nearly lost it as it was confirmed. I was pregnant, and the baby was most definitely Ted’s. I was pregnant with my stepfather’s child, who raped me. I laughed, wondering if that was enough to convince any judge, but even as I thought it I knew that I would never tell anyone. Not yet anyway, and I was not using my baby on the stand. Ted and mom would never know it was his, but of course Spike would know.

That was the plan, but my plans never have a way of working the way they should. As I was shopping about two weeks later, I stopped and stared at a display of beautiful baby carriages and cribs and Spike noticed the wistful look on my face.

“Someday, pet, someday we’ll have one of our own. A little girl and I’ll spoil her rotten. We can live in England, and Dawn can come too, and we’ll be happy. A family, just the four of us. Dawn will live somewhere else of course, but until she finds a place she can stay with us.” He sounded so sincere that I giggled picturing it with him. What he didn’t know was that it was more likely to come true quite soon. Or so I thought.

As we passed Baskin Robbins an evil voice ran out behind me. “Buffy…” it singsonged and I whirled to see Ted standing there. Spike glared and moved in front of me, but it was too late. Ted had shoved and I went flying, straight down the escalator, where the last thing I seen was my Mom at the top staring down with a look of horror on her face. The last thing I remember thinking was ‘serves you right, mom’ and then all was blankness.




I woke up a little later in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines and with something down my throat to give me food and oxygen. Not being able to talk I just watched as the scene outside my room played out. Spike, Mom, a Doctor, and Dawn were all there. It seemed two interns were restraining mom as she looked about to rip Spike a new one.

“HOW DARE YOU! You knocked up my little girl! You sick freak!” she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Spike looked like he had been crying and I heard his whispered, “I didn’t do it,” but mom seemed to ignore that. He finally looked up to her and anger was clouding his face. “Listen here, Mrs. Roberts, as much as you wish to think the worst of me you might want to try pointing the finger of blame on those that actually deserve it. For one thing, Buffy and me have never had sex, mainly because she’s been too skittish since her rape! And guess what lovely man did that thing? Oh, could it be your asshole of a husband? Yes, Joyce, Ted Roberts, the king, the one and only glorified, Ted, raped your little girl and got her knocked up. Then he did himself a favor when he shoved her down that flight of stairs and killed it too!”

Life 12 – Full of Grace

Winter here is cold and bitter
Chills us to the bone
Haven’t seen the sun for weeks
Too long too far from home
Feels just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
Never thought I could feel so low
Oh Darkness I feel like letting go

If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of Grace
Full of Grace
My Love

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Choking back a sob as I heard Spike’s cry, I ripped the tube out of my throat, and the gasp of pain that followed brought everyone into my room. The first thing Mom tried to do was check me over to make sure I was okay. Like she even cared. So I turned my head from her, and glared at the wall.

“See, William? See what you caused this poor girl to go through? I hope you’re happy,” my mother’s voice cut through my anger and I whipped my head to look at her. When I answered, my voice was hoarse and choky.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I rasped, pulling Spike down so that he sat beside me on the bed. “Everything Spike said to you a second ago was true, mother.” Even Spike winced at the ice in my tone as I said that word. I didn’t care at this point though; it was so far from the truth. “Your lovely little precious husband cut me to pieces, raped me, and got me pregnant. A lot of evidence against him don’t you think? Sunnydale PD have just been itching to get me on their side, you know, to admit to what happened ON THE STAND, but until now I didn’t think I would. But, hell, attempted murder is pretty much the lowest point he’s been too. Rape, I could deal with. Hell I even dealt with him molesting Dawn on a regular basis. But killing my unborn child is the point when I say ‘to fuck with being the high road girl’ and put that asshole in jail.”

She started to say something, but I held my hand up. “Oh no, I’m not done. You see, Ted isn’t related to me. Fucked in the head, yes, but he doesn’t technically have any ties to me. You on the other hand, I think you’re worse. You didn’t shove me down that escalator, or didn’t stick that knife into my belly, you didn’t leave handprints on my cheek, but you stood by and let it happen. So yeah, mommy, you’re the world’s biggest bitch. Wanna know a secret?” I grinned and she looked about ready to pop a vein, “I’ll tell you anyway. Guess what I wish happens to you someday? I hope that when you finally arrive in hell, you become Satan’s fucking bitch so that you understand what it truly means to live with a monster. But lucky girl like me, I didn’t get just one, I got the added bonus of two!”

Dawn looked down but I could tell she wanted a hand in saying something to mom, so I let her speak. “Mom, you were there for us. Before, I mean. You used to be the most wonderful person in the world. But now? What happened to you? Did you suddenly get a heart transplant with Hitler or something? Buffy’s right, you are worse than Ted and you know what, I hope you rot in hell for this too. And no, I’m never coming home, and when Dad finally moves here, which he’s doing; I’m living with him. Then I’m moving to London, which puts an entire country and ocean between us, but I still don’t think it’ll be far enough away from you.”

Mom looked at us then and even the doctor was glaring at her like she was the vilest thing in the world. Without a word to us, not even an apology, she stormed out and as she reached the lobby I could hear her shouting that she should have stayed a single mother because kids were just too hard to deal with.

When we could no longer hear her, I closed my eyes and let the tears fall. Spike wrapped his arms around me. I was just thankful he wasn’t yelling at me because I had neglected to tell him all this.

The Doctor smiled at us and looked at the chart, “Well Miss Summers,” he began, “everything looks good. I guess you know what happened with your child, and I am truly sorry, but there isn’t any repercussions apparent and at this point I’d say you could still have children.”

Spike grinned, “Yeah, and I’ll be the father to them. Not that prick.” Even the doctor laughed at that.

“Well, I have other patients, but I’ll be back in about an hour to check on you. If you need anything, just yell to a nurse, or call me.” He grinned and I noted his nametag said ‘Dr. Ben Gloner’.

Dawn smiled and then took the hint from Spike and went out to talk to Giles.

Spike moved us so that I was lying in his arms, and he was rubbing my head before he began. “I know why you didn’t tell me. I was just angry that you didn’t.”

I smiled shyly up at him, “You know what you were saying today at the hospital? About having a baby one day and living in London and all that stuff?”

He nodded, “Yeah, why?”

“I wanted to tell you then. I was just really scared. As much as I wanted my baby, despite the paternity, I’m okay. I’d rather the baby be ours, truly ours, even though I bet you’d have loved that little girl with all your heart.”

Spike grinned, “Damn right I would have. He would have been mine.”

I laughed, “doesn’t matter now, but it was a little girl. I could feel it.” He just rolled his eyes.

After a minute or two of silence I stared up at him, “I want to take it slow. No having children for a little while, got it?”

Spike smiled and then he smirked, “Does that mean no sex too?”

I just rolled my eyes and I heard Giles’ cough. “Oops, sorry, Giles. Spike was being gross.”

Spike put a hand to his heart, “Oy, luv! Sex is not gross!”

I grimaced and looked at him, “So don’t want to know if that’s a personal experience thing.”

Giles nodded emphatically, “I agree. I think we should just leave this conversation exactly where it lies and walk away.” I nodded my agreement. “Now, how do you feel, Buffy?”

I grinned, “Fine, though my throat is sore. When I heard Spike say the baby was dead I kind of ripped the tubes out. Didn’t go over well with the nerve endings.”

Giles laughed and nodded, pulling me up for a brief hug. “Just so you know, your father is on his way back from Paris. He’s made all the necessary arrangements, and even has his house bought here already. When you get released when you can move all your stuff over to your new home.”

I sighed, “Does that involve going to my old home?”

Giles nodded, “I’m afraid so. All your stuff is still over there. But don’t worry, Ted won’t be on the streets much longer.”

I sat up straighter at that, “What?”

Giles looked at Spike, “Sorry, Da, didn’t have time to tell her with all the excitement.”

Giles nodded and pulled his glasses off as he began to clean them. “Well, Buffy, when he seen you fall he took off running. Beat up 3 men, a child, and 2 guards but managed to escape. He’s not at that house since it’s being staked out, but I can guarantee a police escort when we go to get all your things. I doubt he’d be stupid enough to go back there anyway.”

I laughed, the sound hollow and disturbing. “With Ted it’s definitely a possibility. That man is a ticking time bomb.”

Giles nodded, and none of us noticed the man standing at the window, his face disguised by a pair of sunglasses and a hood. As he walked away, he ran into Dawn who was on her way to the bathroom. Making sure nobody was watching, he pulled out the chloroform soaked rag and dragged her into the back, then outside into the cool night air. Stuffing her into the white van, he climbed in and drove to a warehouse on 53rd street.

Life 13 – It Doesn’t Matter

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed.
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads.

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay.
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind, you fly away.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Thirteen hours later and there was still no word from Dawn. No word from the police, and certainly no word from the elusive Mr. Ted. All we knew for sure was that my baby sister was nowhere in the hospital and Ted was somewhere out there after attempting to kill me and raping me. So naturally, I was sitting in my hospital bed in the middle of hyperventilating with Spike trying to calm me but going through his own situation. Giles was out in the lobby talking to a police officer, but he knew nothing, I could tell by the dejected and over-enraged look that was gaining momentum with each word the police officer uttered.

“Spike…” I finally managed to choke out, the ability to breathe coming back to me for a second. “Spike… she’s gone.”

Spike’s eyes snapped to mine and he shook his head, “No, baby. She’s not. She’s just at the park or went to Janice’s.” We both knew that was a lie. Janice’s was the first place we checked, then mom’s house, and the Bronze and Weatherly and every other place Dawn could have went.

I let the tears that were building up at the corners of my eyes spill over and clutched at Spike like a lifeline. “She’s gone and it’s my fault.”

Shaking with anger at Ted, Spike tilted my chin to look at him almost forcefully and the anger in his eyes startled me for a moment. “It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong here, luv.” Off my look Spike sighed. “Buffy, you and Dawn were victims in all of this.”

I laughed bitterly, “I know that, Spike. What I did was not kill him. I should’ve killed him in his sleep years ago, yet I didn’t. How pathetic am I?”

Spike just shrugged and pulled me closer.

At that precise moment I heard a strangled yell from the hallway and looked up in time to see Giles’ fist firmly implant itself in the wall. The young cop looked on helplessly and three orderlies ran to help him extricate his hand and bandage it up.

Looking at Spike I heard his muttered, “Da seems to think the wall is to blame.” I let a small smile grace my face at his words but my insides were still yelling at me that Dawn was in trouble and it was all my fault.

******

Willow, Xander, Oz, Cordy, Tara, and Callie were crowded around my hospital bed the next day. Spike was off getting all of us coffee and I was calmed somewhat by having all my friends around me, but every time I heard the word ‘Dawn’, ‘Ted’ or ‘kidnap’ I started crying all over again. And every time the sound of a siren rang through the air, all my senses jumpstarted that it could be her.

“Miss Summers?” I looked up to see a shuffley looking orderly obviously nervous with whatever news he had.

Glancing at his nametag, I smiled reassuringly, “Yes, Patrick?”

“The doctor needs to run some tests on you, because of the high stress happening lately.” His gaze slid to every person in the room before resting back on me, “They need to leave though.”

Willow nodded and began to stand up, but my voice stopped her, “How long will they take?”

“Umm… about two hours.”

My whole demeanor crumpled and I let out a ragged breath, “I don’t know if I can handle two hours of tests right now, Patrick.” Xander got up and gave me a tight hug and then one by one they all left and I was alone to be poked and prodded til I screamed.

******

Halfway through said tests was when the good news came. It wasn’t exactly miraculous news but it was news. The young cop, who I now knew was Lt. Forrest, had gotten reports that a young brunette girl was seen in a white Toyota heading towards the warehouses over on 53rd and 54th. The problem was that had happened at the beginning when we hadn’t even realized Dawn was missing, and in that one stretch of warehouses there was approximately 40 or so buildings all with two or three story’s and weird basements and secret rooms. The search apparently wasn’t going well, but still, the breakthrough help me get through the rest of my tests without complaining once.

******

When I was finally finished and allowed to lie down and rest, I fell asleep with Spike’s arms around me.

Waking up suddenly about 20 minutes later to a sound that was distinctly like a bunch of people screaming for joy, I sat bolt upright and saw everyone in the lobby cheering about something.

Getting up I weakly walked over and looked out the door. When Spike saw me, he walked over and hugged me, spinning me around. Grimacing in pain when he put me down, I looked up at him in confusion. “What’s all this about?”

Spike grinned, “They found her! She’s on her way here now in an ambulance.” I stared at Spike shell-shocked for a moment before I burst into tears and wrapped my arms tightly around Spike’s neck. “Told you she’d come home to us, luv,” Spike whispered into my hair, whilst pepping it with kisses.

Our happy moment was cut short when the sound of sirens filled the air, growing steadily closer. All at once they stopped and, even from 2 floors up, the sounds of an emergency drafted up.

Closing my eyes, I walked over to the nurses’ station and inquired about Dawn. Of course, her simple reply was we don’t know anything yet and I’ll find out when she gets some news from downstairs. Sighing I went to sit with Spike as we anxiously awaited to hear anything about Dawn’s condition.

We didn’t have long to wait actually as Dr. Ben, as he said we should call him, came up to us. “Buffy, we’ve done everything there is to do now, but I’m afraid Dawn is not out of the woods. She’s experienced major head trauma, a brutal stabbing in three places, and multiple rapes. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but she’s in a coma and if she doesn’t wake up soon, I don’t think she ever will.”

Letting out a strangled cry, I held onto to Spike as tightly as possible and only faintly heard Giles ask if anyone could go see Dawn.

Dr. Ben sighed and nodded, “Only one at a time, and only family. Buffy, since you’re her only technical family, you can go see her.”

“I want to go in first,” a voice rang out down the hall and I lifted my head to see my father standing there looking both sad and hollow, and also enraged.

The doctor looked at him and then to me, before glancing back to him, “Are you any relation to the girl?”

My father laughed, “I’m her father. But how good of a father is a totally opposite question.” I choked slightly and stood up to wrap my arms around my father.

“You’re the best father in the world, Daddy,” I whispered, and he just let his tears fall onto my head.

“Buffy, I couldn’t save either of you. God, I’m so sorry, sweetie.” For the first time in my life I saw Hank Summers completely broken in front of me. He fell to his knees and sobbed into my shirt. Falling into his lap, reminiscent of the day he left, I cried into his shoulder, both of us holding on for dear life.

Finally we both pulled back, wiping blindly at the still running tears, and I nodded at him. “Dad, you go see her first.”

He stood up, helping me up in the process, and then let himself be led down the hall to Dawn’s room. Following close behind, I stood outside her room with tears streaming down my face as I watched Dad sit into a chair and take her hand, and then slowly let his face drop onto the bed beside her, and his audible sobs hurt my heart even more then the image of my baby sister laying in a hospital bed, bruised, and utterly broken.

An hour later, I was sitting in Spike’s lap in when Dad reemerged from Dawn’s hospital room, his eyes puffy and red, but looking marginally more calmer now that he had actually had the chance to talk to Dawn.

Nodding silently, I stood up and went into her room, but couldn’t take the couple of steps to cross the room to her bedside. I just stood inside the door for about 10 minutes, crying and digging my hands into fists. When I finally noticed tiny rivulets of blood seeping out of my fists I relinquished my hold and went to sit in Dad’s vacated chair.

Choking on a sob, I stared into the lifeless face of my sister. “Hey sweetie,” I whispered at last, moving a stray tendril of hair from her face. “You’ve looked better,” I joked, crying harder at my own humor. “God, this is so hard. I should’ve protected you, and here you are lying in a hospital bed hooked up to numerous machines and you’re not waking up. Why won’t you wake up? Please, Dawnie, please, just open your pretty brown eyes and look at me. Tell me what a mess I am and slap me. You know you want to. It would make all of this so much easier if you would just look at me.” I let my head drop onto her bed in much the same position Dad had done, and cried silently for a moment.

”They caught him, Dawn. He was in a bar bragging about leaving a girl to die in the basement of the old Grimlock’s warehouse and the bartender called the cops. That’s how they finally found you, and him. Lt. Forrest says he has a shot at life with all the stuff he’s done. I mean, abuse, rape, attempted murder on multiple occasions. They tell me it’s just the stuff to get him put away forever.” I paused then, not sure if she’d like the next part. “They said they can put mom away for about 15-20. She was aiding and abetting or something like that. Whatever it’s called, but apparently standing by while your children are beaten and raped is a felony. I haven’t had the chance to talk to Dad, but I’m sure Giles is filling him in on the details. He’ll probably want to press charges against mom. And you know what? I agree. She should rot in jail for a long time. Become Bertha the Mad Cow’s bitch or something like that. Really give us a good laugh, huh?”

Sighing as she continued to not move at all, I grew desperately angry. “Alright now you’re just being stubborn. I wasn’t allowed to stay asleep. They made me come back to this hard and painful world and now you have to too. It’s over Dawn, so stop hiding and help me here! We’re going to live with Dad. Me and Spike are going to have a normal relationship and we’re going to move on. It’s over now wake up!”

It was at that exact moment that Dawn opened her eyes. “Stop yelling, and stop crying Buffy,” She whispered. My eyes snapped up to meet hers and she smiled, “Make her pay. And make him pay. I want them to hurt like us.” Motioning for me to come closer, she kissed my cheek and then whispered in my ear, “I love you, sis.” When I looked down at her, her eyes were closed, and her monitor was flat-lined.

“DOCTOR!”

Life 14 – Concrete Angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights
A fragile soul, caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it'll be too late

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

A/N – When it says ‘The End’ the first time, keep reading. It’s not the end of the story=P

I stood staring down into my sister’s open grave. All emotion had been drained from me ages ago, and now I was just an empty shell staring at the last place I had seen my angel’s face. She had finally gotten what we both desperately wished for: peace. And her peace came at the price of my broken heart, but I was happy for her. She was okay where she was. I just wished so hard that I was okay where I was.

Feeling a pair of comforting arms surround my from behind, I placed my hand on top of his. “Thank you for staying behind, Spike.”

Spike just nodded into my hair and kissed the top of my head. His tears fell constantly and the feel of them in my hair caused another breakdown from me. “Why wasn’t it me? I deserve to be there so much more than she does. She should be here, living for real.”

He just sighed, his hold on me tightening ever so slightly. “Buffy, you do not deserve death.”

I scoffed, “She was my baby sister and I failed her. She’s lying in the ground now, and I’m up here. What kind of a big sister gets her killed? What good am I?”

Spike turned me around and placed his hand on my stomach. “This is what good you are. All those babies we’re going to have together. Everything that we are going to share in the future will be ours, and we will do it for her. Because of her you have the chance to live. Because of her we have a chance to be happy. Baby, don’t you see? Dawn died to save you, because she loves you so much. She’s your guardian angel now. She’s up there watching over you and protecting you with all her heart and soul.” He smiled a little, “I should know, I’ve got my own up there too.”

I nodded into his chest, my tears soaking his shirt. “Our first daughter is going to be named Dawn, you know that right?”

Spike just let his smile get wider, “I wouldn’t want anything but that, luv.” Looking up into the sky he took a deep breath, “This one’s for you, Nibblet.”

* * * * *

3 years later.

“Buffy Anne Summers.”

I grinned as I stood up to walk across the stage. I could hear Spike cheering me from the stands and I grinned over at him proudly.

It had taken a lot to get me to that point. I had started to see a psychiatrist not long after Dawn’s death and now everything was just right. I was finally graduating and in three weeks me and Spike were leaving for England. We weren’t staying over there like originally planned, but rather scouting the area out. We wanted to find a nice quiet community to settle down in and raise our children.

After the graduating service, I met up with the gang for our final time in the library. “Wow, I cannot believe how much I’m going to miss this place,” I said as I walked in, Spike right behind me.

Jenny hobbled over to me awkwardly, “Congratulations Buffy.” I hugged her, careful so as not to upset her very pregnant belly. Giles and Mrs. Giles were expecting their first child in less than a month. Spike and I were both hoping that Jenny would have his little brother before we left.

As I touched her rounded stomach, the baby kicked and Jenny laughed. “I guess Tyler wants to congratulate you too, Buffy.” I grinned and then hugged Giles.

“I’m going to miss you so much, Buffy,” he whispered into my hair.

“Giles, don’t get my started! As it is, I’m surprised my make-up has survived this long.” We both laughed and I went to go sit at the table with everyone for the last time.

Willow was sitting in Oz’s lap. They were both accepted to Oxford and planned to move to England to be closer to me and Spike. Willow just couldn’t bear the thought of leaving me alone for more than 15 minutes. They planned to live off-campus in an apartment and we had to promise not to choose a house to far away.

Tara and Callie, still going strong, weren’t going to college just yet. They had decided to join a Wicca retreat and were headed out to the Nevada desert for 9 months starting in September. Afterwards was still anyone’s guess.

Xander, who wasn’t with Cordelia anymore, was staying in Sunnydale to work at a Construction site. He had always been interested in it and took the opportunity when it had arisen.

Cordelia, however, was all too happy to leave little old Sunnydale. She and Xander were still friends, but she was moving to LA to pursue an acting career.

Looking at every one of my friends, I grinned at how wonderful everything was turning out to be. Sure we were all splitting up but that didn’t mean that it was over. It was just a change of hangout for the Nerd Herd.

When the library doors opened up my father walked in, followed by most everyone else’s parents. Congratulations were passed around and my Dad even gave me a locket with my picture and Dawn’s picture inside. Fastening it on I smiled up at him with tears in my eyes. “Thanks, Daddy.”

Of all the people there, I’d miss him the most. He was moving back to Paris now that I had graduated and he wasn’t needed in Sunnydale anymore. But living with him had been a dream. It was like night and day from Ted Roberts. Dad bought me anything I wanted, let me stay out as late as I wanted, and was just the coolest dad around. Without him with me the past three years, I’d have probably given up long ago.

Sitting back in my chair, I noticed Spike was looking more nervous than ever. “What’s wrong, Spike?” I asked staring at him in confusion.

Reaching behind the library counter he grabbed a certain purple musical box I hadn’t even thought of in three years. Placing it gently in my hands he smiled slightly. “Open it, luv.” Doing as he said, my eyes grew wide at the beautiful diamond ring sitting on the inside. My eyes got even wider as Spike dropped to one knee in front of me.

“Buffy, I have loved you forever. I’m sorry I didn’t save you and Dawn from Ted, but I promise to protect you forever. You are my heart and soul and I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m so in love with you I can’t think straight. Every morning when I wake up you’re the first thought in my head, and when I go to sleep you’re the last image in my mind. Everything I do is for you, and you’d make me the happiest man on Earth if you’d just do me one favor and marry me.”

Staring at him with tears in my eyes, my face split into a wide grin and I practically threw myself at him. Pulling back to look him in the eye, my thumb rubbed his cheek. “Yes, William, I’d love to marry you.” Leaning forward I met his lips in the most tender of kisses I’d ever experienced. I knew at that moment the rest of my life was going to be the most perfect experience ever.

The End.

Buffy smiled and clicked save before closing her laptop. It had taken her eight years and a lot of tissues but she’d finally finished her novel. Sighing in relief she looked down at her two year old son, Alex. “Hey baby, go find Daddy and Dawn. We’re going for ice cream.” Alex squealed and went to go do as he was told.

Spike came in a moment later with the 5 year old hanging off his legs. “What was this about ‘muhscumabut’?” he asked mimicking Alex’s tone and crazy language.

Buffy giggled, scooping up the 3 month old little girl in the wicker basket and rocking her gently. “I’m done! Let’s go for ice-cream and celebrate.”

Spike grinned, “Bloody hell. Took you long enough.”

Buffy glared, “You try writing a story about your life and see how hard it is.” Spike stuck his tongue out and picked Alex up, going to get the oldest two ready. Buffy grinned down at Marie, “See I was right. My life is perfect.” Looking up to the ceiling, Buffy blew a kiss, “This one’s for you, Dawn.”

The End.

A/N – Thank you so much for sticking by me through this! I know it’s been a tough ride, but I’m so happy to have finally finished it. Not that it wasn’t amazing to write, but I wanted to see the end as much as you guys did. Halfway through the story I had veered from my original plan so this was a surprise for all of us=P Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and a special thanks to my best friend Marie who encouraged me to keep writing this.

Stay tuned for some one-shots I’m currently working on.

Songs used throughout the series are as follows: Hero – Bonnie Tyler; Anything But Ordinary – Avril Lavigne; Boulevard of Broken Dreams – Green Day; Nobody’s Home – Avril Lavigne; Invincible – Pat Benetar; Photograph – Nickelback; Never Had a Dream Come True – S Club 7; Mockingbird – Eminem; Awake in A Dream – Kalan Porter; There Goes My Life – Kenny Chesney; Full Of Grace – Sarah MacLachlan; It Doesn’t Matter – Alison Krauss; and Concrete Angel – Martina McBride.

--Ashlie--