chapter one

Tell me whats wrong with me. Tell me what you've learned in medical school, those late nights sitting at the computer, all the books, the scores you've gotten on your tests, they were good. Tests. Test your skills, how good are they? Tell me what's wrong, make a diagnosis for me. Why can't I forget?

Buffy awoke and lay in her bed. It was hours before her alarm would even go off for school. Would she even go in today? No point. She hadn't been there at all this week and it was already friday. Maybe she should though, feed a lie to her friends she already knew they wouldn't beleive, get her homework assignments in which she wouldn't do. It sounded good, and she wouldn't be cooped up in her bedroom with her mother sniffing around her door asking if she'd be alright, or if she needed any soup. No, soup was for people who were sick, physically sick. She was fine. No colds, no stuffy noses. Just a stuffy head, in which nothing could fix. Nothing at all. She didn't trust those pills that the docter could give her. She just beleived it'd be a temporary high in life, with tons of side effects. Nausea, headaches, sexual side affects...what do you know? A side effect within one, who knew?

4:30 a.m

5:30 a.m

6:30 a.m

And finnally seven. Buffy switched the off button before the alarm even beeped. In about twenty minutes, if she didn't show herself, her mother would be up here asking if her alarm went off, or if she was up. Her hair was greasy, and she probably smelled something horrible.

Buffy through the covers off herself and laid there a few seconds more. She could feel the air nipping at her, as it raised goose bumps on her skin. She inevidibly knew, that the floor would be cold too. She should go into town today and buy a rug. A nice one, that would keep her feet warm for just moments longer.

Up you go. You need clothes and a shower. A tooth brush and some makeup, don't forget brekfast. Smile at mother, let her feel your forehead and ask if your sure you don't need to get a docter. Then with the questions. So, so many questions she got tired of hearing. She had answers, as always, but none that she wanted to share.

The questions were what caused these rifts of distance been Joyce and her daughter. It was something a mother just didn't understand, and nothing Buffy wanted to help her do. It wasn't that she didn't love her mother, or appreciate everything Joyce did for her, it was just that she knew where that road lead. She had little patience for her mother's lack of understanding, and lost her temper when she had to give in and help Joyce along the way. She didn't care if her mother didn't understand, and therefore put no energy forth to make things a little easier. It annoyed her that her mother couldn't just know certain things. Therefore, she kept them from Joyce.

Granted, Joyce never understood because Buffy kept her in the dark. But she did it so purposefully. She didn't want her mother understanding things, and knowing what was happening. As far as Buffy could see, her and her mother were on two totally different planets. What Buffy felt seemed to be so far away from her mother's world, that it was hard assosicating these things with her mother, or with the fact that her mother might be able to help.
No, Buffy was strong, and usually never let people in. Too complicated, would the things that they saw inside her be. Too many questions. All answers she didn't want to give.

Willow was a good friend. She understood when to quit, but most of all, she understood Buffy. Xander wasn't half bad either. His stupidity would annoy her sometimes, just as her mother's had. He'd ask her questions that she thought he should know the answer to.

Maybe that was her whole problem. Questions. Or quite possibly the people that asked them. Willow knew exactly what to ask though. She had learned over the years. What to ask, and what NOT to ask. Not many people Buffy let close enough to her, to learn things like that.

So Willow was quite lucky Buffy had let her know. But Willow was smart, very perceptive and insightful. Most of all, and probably best of all, Willow knew what happend. She hadn't told Buffy she knew with words, wasn't worth saying. Just let Buffy cry and helped her get back on track.

It never was verbalized, why Xander was at most times, such an outsider. But it was a quiet understanding between the three of them, that something had happend, and that was that. Xander could be there as a friend, but rarely could he touch Buffy the way Willow had. With hugs, and comforting hands on the shoulder...no Xander got to do none of that.

And it always left him wanting, which Buffy could see. But she didn't care, so she looked the other way. Looking the other way made it easier to not see others pain. If she saw it, then that might mean she'd have to be cautinary around it, be mindful. Buffy didn't want to be mindful. There were so many people out there not that were mindful of her feelings, so why should she be mindful of theirs?

And thats just one of the many things Buffy missed when she turned herself away from people. They were mindful. Not all of them were, but a good portion. Mindfullness was translated into pity though, and Buffy had her mind set that she didn't need that. She didn't feel she needed to be coddled by the world. She could stand on her own two feet. She had Willow, who quietly understood so much about her, and Buffy liked that.

“You came today.” Willow said. “I got your homework. Most of it's easy, stuff you already understand. Just sort of like review. I could help with it if you want.”

“Thanks.” Buffy smiled. “Teachers are asses. I couldn't get help from them if my life depended on it.” She took a cigarette out of her pocket, and light it up. They made there way underneath the bleachers in the football field.

“It's what their there for.” Willow said resignetly. Buffy took a drag and looked over at Willow. They were now seated under the bleachers at the foot ball field.. Janitors never bothered to clean up under there anymore. Which worked out nicely, because then they'd probably throw away the two stolen fold out chairs, PROPERTY OF SUNNYDALE HIGH. But Buffy was doing the school a faovor, really. The chairs were ratty, and they really did need to buy new ones any way. Plus, it wasn't like they didn't have tons more lying around. Not that she would have cared if those were the only two they owned, but still. No one bothered renting ”Staduim Seats” anyway, unless the bleachers were all filled, and you needed to sit comfortably on ground level. Or if you were fifty something and couldn't climb the stairs.

“I know. But I just don't like talking to them.” Buffy answered. Willow nodded.

“Your grades are good enough though aren't they? Your not failing again right?” Willow asked, concerned. Had that come from Joyce, Buffy would have bitten her head off. But no, it was her Willow. Her quiet, understanding Willow.

Buffy slowly shook her head no and took another drag off her cigarette.

”You've been helping me. And by that I mean, *not* giving me the answers.” She said with mock annoyance. But she knew Willow had Buffy's best interests at heart. And that if Willow had just given Buffy the answers, she'd have never learned the material for the tests. She owed Willow alot for all her help, and someday she'd pay her best friend back. Willow smiled.

“So how's Xander?” Buffy asked, exhaling more smoke. She looked over at Willow, who was looking off into the field at nothing in peticular.

“Worried.”

“About?” She inhaled more of her cigarette.

“You, mostly.” Willow answered.

“Well that's annoying.” Buffy exhaled.

“But it's not pity. He doesn't feel sorry for you. He knows better then to, but he does want to help.” She said.

Buffy shook her head and took one last hit off her cigarette, then through it down. When they got up to leave, she'd step on it to make sure it was out. Didn't need to burn down her bleachers, now did she? Then all they'd have to sit under was the California sun, and quite possibly Mr. Snyder's thumb, on wether or not he was going to give her an explusion. Probably would. Bastard.

“Nothin he can do. Besides, I'm pretty sure I've got all the help I need.” She looked at her best friend again. Willow smiled.

“Anytime. But this time's over. I think the bell's gonna ring soon. It being the only day you came in,” She elbowed Buffy slightly, causing her to smile. ”I think we shouldn't be late.” Buffy stood and swung her book bag over her shoulder. She wore faded jeans, black boats and a wife beater. Her hair was down, she hadn't any energy to put it up. She barely had the energy to to pull her hair out of the collar of her black leather jacket. Buffy pulled out another cigarette and stuck it in her mouth. Without looking at Buffy, Willow grabbed the cigarette and pocketed it. Buffy let her shoulders drop and she put her lighter back in her pocket.

“Willow..” She said, irritated.

“Well y-you don't need one r-right now. A-and plus, you just had one!” She pointed accusingly at Buffy. “You don't wanna smell like that when we go to class, what would the teachers think?” Willow asked, in that high pitched voice she always gets when she gets in one of her Willow riots. She cared so much about what the teachers thought, sometimes it was ridicules. Buffy shrugged.

“They would think, 'Hmm, guess she's been smokin,'?” Buffy looked at Willow, who rolled her eyes.

“Buffy..They'd get you in trouble. You don't want Snyder breathin' down your neck do you?” Willow asked, in a way that suggested she was trying to appeal to Buffy's common sense. Snyder + Smells Trouble (or even smoke) = Buffy gets an explusion. Pretty much anything Buffy did would equate to an explusion.

Then Willow remebered Buffy was failing math. Or, she was failing math, until Willow began helping her. Either that, or she had been taking lessons from Faith in bribing the nerds for help. “If you help me, I won't beat you up.” Willow shook her head at the thought.

“Do you have your books, or do we gotta go to your locker?” Willow asked kindly. Buffy shook her book bag and laughed at Willow's dumb question.

“Sounds empty to me.” She said teasingly. Willow smiled and nodded her head.

“Okay.” She breathed. “But we're gonna have to hurry to your locker, and then probably run to our next class.” Willow said. When they got to Buffy's locker, she grabbed her Accounting Workbook, and Text, her calculator, notebook and pencil.

“Great.” She breathed. “I'm never going to catch up in this class. I've missed a week.”

“You've missed a week of school before,” Willow gave her a scolding look, “And I helped you catch up before. The material's easy to learn, but you won't stand a chance if you try today's work. We'll have to start you off from Monday. Did you finish Friday's homework assignment?” Willow sounded just like a teacher. It was sort of cute though. It didn't bother Buffy. She smiled.

“Yes Ms. Rosenburg, I did.” Buffy answered.

“Alright.” Willow shook her head authoritivly. “Off to class we go then. And no beating up nerds for answers.” She pointed at Buffy. “They have a hard enough time keeping thier lunch money as it is.” She raised her eye brow and shook her head.

“I'm not after their lunch money Willow.” Buffy said.

“Yeah I know, but they give it to you anyway.” Willow said.

In the distance, Buffy spotted Parker Abrams and William Giles, a.k.a, Spike heading off to class. Parker wore his usual sissy boy clothes, gray dockers and a sweater, and Spike wore his usual bad boy outfit. Faded jeans, black boots, black tee-shirt and his black leather coat. His platnium blond hair was roused. He didn't slick it back today. And with the black glasses contrasting to the almost-white hair gave him a deeper edge.

Buffy cringed at the sight of them, and uneasyness stormed her eyes. She thought she was going to be sick. Willow noticed them walking too and looked over at Buffy to see how she was fairing. She glared at their passing figures and took Buffy's books from her. Putting her arm across her back and on Buffy's opposite shoulder, Willow turned them around and walked them a different route to class. She if maybe she could spare Buffy thier sight, she wouldn't have to be as tortured.

Buffy felt the waves of nausea wash over her and she laid her head down on Willow's shoulder.

“Oh god Willow...” Tears formed in her eyes.

“Shhh Buffy. It's okey.” Willow said, rubbing Buffy's shoulder. “Do you want to go home? I could cover for you.” She offered. Buffy nodded, but they went to class anyway.

She could do this. She could face this off and still come back whole. She wouldn't let that creep win. Just because he was stronger then her didn't mean he was going to win the second round. Sure, he had taken the first, her first, but that didn't mean anything. Just because he had the advantage over her, just because the mere sight of him made her want to run away and cower, even though she knew her knees would be too weak to run, didn't mean he'd come out the victor here. She would. Somehow, someway, she'd be able to face him again and not feel like death, or at least, watch him walk by with his friends.
****
A/N: Somethin new, somethin darker.

chapter two

“How's it goin Buff?” Xander asked as they sat down to the sad excuse the school called lunch.

“Pretty Good.” She answered.

'Pretty Good' was what everyone said. And when they ask other's how it was going, it didn't mean they actually cared how it was going. It was just a simple salutation, just as 'Pretty Good' was always the standard, simple answer. An easy answer, that wouldn't beg more questions.

Buffy seemed to have trouble connecting Xander, guy--Care for Buffy, girl. For some reason, it just didn't click. Maybe it was because she ignored it, or maybe it was because she felt a bit skittish around guys. Maybe not, or maybe, but her friends, not even Willow would see she had such vunarublities. Wait no, drop the plural. Vunarubility, one weakness. That was men. But men were everyone, making her one weakness huge.

Hell, Buffy wouldn't even let *herself* know that she had vunarubilities. Yes, plural, and very. She hated men, and was suddenly so glad that her father had left years ago. If she had to come home to one them in her house everyday, she'd probably go insane. Either that, or she'd just run away.

“Ya gettin all caught up and such?” Xander tried making conversation. Poor kid. He really did have it bad. She didn't have any energy to make him squirm though. That is, she didn't have energy for much anything anymore these days.

“Yeah, Will's helpin me get there.” Buffy said distractdly. She didn't want to accidentally give Xander 'eyes', and make the poor sap think that she needed his help. Buffy didn't think she really needed anything from him, not even his friendship. But they had had such a good one before.....everything.

Xander nodded and looked down at his tray.

“I'm glad Buffy.” He said. She smiled at him slightly and nodded. Her smile faded. What vile view 'hath' God brung her now? And her mother wonders why she never goes to church anymore because...?

And it was at that moment, she didn't think she could take it.

Theres so much that goes on right underneath your nose, so much you don't see, so much you don't notice. What a sick joke, for her just to be forgetting this morning, when who should walk by? Spike. What a hansome reminder. She couldn't fool herself, she realized as she was now running away from the table. He was very good looking.

Vaguely she could hear Willow, calling after her. Well that certainly wasn't going to stop her, not unless she actually caught up anyways.

And he watched from behind Xander the whole thing. It was almost in slow motion. The red headed girl, almost spilling her milk on her khakis and deep hunter green sweater as she abruptly stood and ran after that very beautiful blond girl..Buffy. He watched as she reached Buffy and grabbed her arm. She wildly resisted being stopped, trying to jerk her arm free. And the two girls flailed this way and that, and people were staring...

He could see how she tried just as wildly here as she did not to see him or Parker walk by. But God, did he see her.

Xander couldn't just sit anymore. He loved her and hated when she panicked like this. It unnerved him. She was so strong, and had such control, and close to nothing could ruffle her feathers. But her wings were spread and she was ready fly away at the mere look, no glance, at that platnium blond.

He had the sudden urge to hit Spike. So caught up in himself was he, that he almost didn't know how the blood got there, how it had materialized, broken through the surface. The look on Spike's face as he was hunched over slightly reminded Xander that in fact, somehow he had done it.

“What in the hell was that for?” Spike growled, spitting his own blood on the ground. Xander shifted his weight and turned to see Buffy now standing, Willow had her hands on her shoulders. Both guys could see Willow's lips moving, and she'd often tuck hair behind Buffy's ear. Buffy just stood there, looking over Willow's shoulder, seemingly emotionless.

It was so much easier when sticky emotions weren't involved. How complicated things where made by them? No, emotions just got in the way. If you didn't feel..you couldn't hurt. If you couldn't hurt then you couldn't cry. If you didn't cry, then people wouldn't ask you those stupid pesky questions.

What's wrong Buffy?

Do you want to talk about it Buffy?

Why do you hurt Buffy?

Don't you think that maybe you should talk to a consoler Buffy?

No, no, no, no! Buffy doesn't want to talk about it, Buffy doesn't want to feel, and Buffy sure as hell doesn't want to talk to a goddamn consoler. Stem word, console, meaning soothe. Bullshit. They didn't give a rats ass what you felt. They just didn't want big heavy law suits on their shiny, sqeeky clean shoulders.

'Yes your honor. Johnnie committed sucicide because...because...' The woman tried to gain her composure, in which really, everyone already knew she never had. 'Because he couldn't stand the burden of Mr.Snyders beedy eyes...or those algebra equations...someone should have helped him..don't you have consolers on campus?'

That way, they can atleast say they tried to help. They can stand there, with their dustless shoulder pads in place, arms hung loose, one hand holding the other.

'There was just nothing more we could do your honor. We tried to help him..'

In short, Buffy hated all staff that worked 'on board' Sunnydale Highschool. Yes, that 'on board' thing was a saying of a former principal Mr. Flutie, who had finnally been laughed out of his job. By students? No, but had there been any, it would most definatly have been Buffy. That guy was too nice..it gave her the whiggans. Besides, Buffy's problems really had nothing to do with homework, and she was sure that she'd live to tell the tale of “A Detention for Naughty Words of the Snyder.”
Ooooh. A call home. What's that gonna do? Already tried that.

Buffy your grounded, your not to use your phone, your not to come out of your room, your not to go out with your friends. That's okay mom. I have a window. I'll use it whether I'm under house arrest or not. Remember my secrets? Well I like to keep them.

Xander turned back to Spike, and crossed his arms.

“Well, I'll give you three wild guesses....” Xander waved him arm in mock enthusiasm. “Oh and hell, a stab in the dark too. Wouldn't be fair without onna those.” He said. Spike leaned over to see what he was talking about. He straightened up, and spit out yet another mouthful of blood.

“Look,” He closed in distance between him and Xander. “All I know? Is if you punch me again, we're going to have a problem.” His eyes concentrated on Xander, just like his voice had. Spike cocked his head to the side and backed away. “Good day.” With that, he was off.

'And the Oscar Award Winner Is......'

Spike should have definatly won himself a shiney new medal equipped with a gold star for that one. How could he act so, when his heart wrenched for her? It was a wonder how he kept from staring. Well, not really. Xander punching him in the face sort of served as distraction. The taste of his own blood? Now that was fun. Bloody ponce.

But enough about that sappy bastard. More about that beloved blonde girl. Oh, how she called to anyone who could help her. He knew she didn't want to be alone, was afraid of it somehow. But didn't know how to get over that hurdle of saying so, he supposed.

“Buffy are you alright?” Willow whispered quietly, tucking stray hair behind her ear. Buffy looked behind Willow's shoulder. She nodded.

“I'm going home Wil. Can you get my homework for me please? Tell the teachers-” She ruefully smiled and shook head. Looking down momentarily she walked away from Willow, and off the grounds of Sunny Dale High. Boy would Snyder have a fit if he saw her now, walkin off his school property. Good god, who cares?

When Buffy got home, her mom's vehicle was in the drive. Right, it was Friday. She got home early, way early from the gallery. Well, window it is. It didn't phaze Buffy. Her and the window were great buddies now. Had to be. It was her way in and out.

Her hands shook as she climbed the tree, and her legs wouldn't stay steady. Her foot slipped going half way up the tree and she landed on her right arm. Buffy winced when she heard a small, soft crack. That didn't sound good. Probably wouldn't feel good either. Hope it wasn't broken, mother couldn't afford the big bad hospital bill.

Buffy got up again and found she couldn't move her arm without great pain. It took her about a half an hour before she crawled, miraculously, soundless into her bedroom window.

“God damn it..” Buffy growled fiercly under her breath as she moved her arm slightly to take off her coat. Her hands were shaking terribly now, but her eyes showed no expression. She showed no expression.

Do you know what happens kiddies, to those who express emotion? They get questions. Questions, they pester you for, because they know, they just know 'something isn't right.' But no, everythings fine. Just normal. This is what normal is now. If you don't like, don't ask questions.

One sleeve off. Buffy figured that the hardest one should be done first. Get on with the pain and all. The easiest should be done last. Taking off her coat, and revealing her arms you would see wonderfully painted razor wounds. Painted, no not with ink, but crimson. 'Cut it out' has a new meaning now, doesn't it? She tried to. It still seethed within her.

Whats with the leather coats and long sleeved shirts in Cali Buffy? Aren't you hot? Don't you feel the heat? No, because that would have been a blessing. She didn't feel anything anymore.

At about three thirty or so she decided she should probably sneak back out her window. She had no idea what she'd tell her mother about her arm...or how it happend. But she figured she should probably get it checked out. So, it was with great perserverance, Buffy finnally got back down and walked in through the front door. As soon as the door opened, her mother jumped up from the couch. Worry was evident on her face. Fuck.

“Buffy where have you been?” Her mother asked. “Your school called. You weren't in you last two classes.” Joyce exclaimed.

“Well obviously *not* at school.” She shrugged. Immediatly she regretted it, waves of pain ripped through her arm. Buffy tried not to wince, but it didn't work. Oh. And her mother noticed right away. Perfect.

“Buffy don't do this. Tell me where you were.” Joyce stepped forward. “And what happend to your arm?” She asked, her voice softend by worry.

Huh. Well this was new. Mummy dearest suddenly cares now? She couldn't remember her mother caring when she came home with a limp and a large purple hand print on her throat. I guess she can only care when it counts. How odd. Well this certainly didn't count, she wasn't in any danger this time. Nice try Lassie...

“Nothing. Nothing happend to my arm.” She made for the stairs but her mother stepped in her way.

“Your not going up there!” She said. Buffy cocked her head.

“No?” She side-stepped her mother and walked up them anyway. Joyce winced as her door slammed shut. A few pictures fell off the walls and shattered.

Buffy laid on her bed, being mindful of her arm. There was a sort rap on the door. Buffy rolled onto her side and rolled her eyes.

“Good God..” She whispered under her breath. “What?!” She shouted, exasperated.

“Buffy,” Joyce opened the door. She moved her mouth to speak.

“Your grounded, no phone, no friends, house arrest.” Buffy waved her hand in the air as she spoke. “Right? Well if that's all you had to say then-” She waved her hand in a dismission.

“it's not broken mom. I'll go to the school nurse on monday. Not a big deal. If it were broken I would be bawling right now.” Buffy said. Joyce went to speak but Buffy cut her off.

“Mom. Seriously.” Buffy's voice softened, along with her eyes. “I'll be okay. I just need rest.” Joyce was seemingly convince and with resignation, left the room.

Only Buffy wasn't softend. Her eyes weren't. Her mother was just so stupid though. So non-perceptive. Jesus. How much stupidity could be packed away into one single person?
*********

“Ouch! Willow be careful!” Buffy winced as Willow slowly moved Buffy's arm around. Rotating it, bending and unbending it, moving it gently this way and that.

Buffy sat beside Willow on her bed. She'd snuck out of her bedroom around 10:30 when Buffy knew her mother would be asleep.

“Well, it doesn't appear to be broken...but I'd still talk to the school nurse on monday. Let her check it out. Just keep it still.” Willow said. “What are you doing tonight?”

Buffy looked around. She opened her mouth to speak but only air, in which moved her lips came out.

“Nothing.” Buffy answered shrugging. Willow fiddled with a loose thread on her bed spread. She seemed suddenly enthralled by it.

“S-so your not going to..to be with um..Ffaa..”

“Ith.” Buffy finished for her. She shook her head. “No. I'm not hangin with Faith until sometime next week. Why?” She asked. Willow shrugged.

“I dunno. I was just wondering.”

“Hey do you still have that huge crush on Xander?” Buffy asked. Willow looked up at her.

“Y-yeah...how come?” Buffy shrugged.

“I dunno. Don't you think that new red head is hot? Bizz...Fizzy...Fozzy Ozzie...”

“Oz.” Willow stopped her. Buffy smiled.

“So you know who I'm talkin about then? Hey mind if I smoke in here?” Buffy asked. Willow rolled her eyes.

“Air Freshener's over there....open a window. My parents should be sleeping.” Willow shook her head with a raise eye brow of dissaproval at her friend. Which, Buffy didn't seem to notice.

“So. You knew his name.” Buffy stated as she opened the window, and sat down beneath it and lit her cigarette. Willow looked away. Buffy smiled and rolled her eyes.

“C'mon Wils, never could hide a blush from me. So what are we thinking? Hottie potential?” Buffy winked. Willow shook her head vehementally, still not looking at Buffy.

“N-no. H-he.....I..” She looked down at her hands. Buffy's smile faded and she stood abruptly.

“Did he do something to you?” She all but shouted. Willow opened her mouth to speak. Worry widened her eyes and she shook her head slightly, not being able to get anything out.

“He did didn't he? I'll kill him Willow! I'll-”

“N-no!” Willow stood. “No. He didn't do anything.” She walked over to Buffy. “I was only going to say that I still liked Xander. I've only talked to him a couple times and that was for Chemistry notes.” Buffy felt slightly embarrased at her out burst.

But wouldn't you? Out burst? Of course. If you weren't anything like Buffy you would, that is. She rarely out bursts, rarely talks about feelings. But that's what happens. You learn to not like questions.

She sat back down.

“I-I'm sorry. I..maybe I should-”

“No. No, Buffy you can stay if you want to. Y-you don't have to go home.” Willow offered. Buffy nodded.

“Are you sure Wils? I mean-”

“I'm not busy. That's what friends are for.” Willow nodded once, and crossed her arms. Buffy smiled. Willow was so adorable. Couldn't understand why Xander didn't notice her. Maybe if she acted like she was troubled, maybe then Xander would try to be her hero. Could be what Willow needed, a hero. But not Buffy. She didn't want a hero. Didn't need one. She could save her self, as soon as she learned how.
**************
A/N: Hey guys! I'm sorry it took so long....I think I know where I want to go with this story. It's defintaly going to be darker then anything I've every written before in my life....as you'll soon see. I hope it doens't scare you off...it's going to get pretty ugly...with the flash backs and such. I hope you all enjoy!