A snowflake fell on her nose, exactly at the moment when she opened her eyes.
It melted on her skin and formed a tiny plash, while other soft snowflakes were falling on her face.
She lifted her head a little, trying to recognize where she was, but her view was strangely veiled, as if she was looking through oil-smeared glasses.
The snow is red, she thought somewhat surprised and let her head sink again onto the cold cushion of snow, while she looked over the red surface.

It was her blood which had colored the snow, but she didn´t know.
Just as little as she was aware that her body was laying in the masses of snow, while the icy cold crept merciless into her bones.
She didn´t feel anything, except for the tiredness which lay like an invisible cover over her body, inviting her to sleep.
She closed her eyes.

“Buffy, you gotta get up, you can´t sleep now, luv.”
She heard the voice as through a thick wall, the words were as thin and transparent as raw egg white.
She tried to ignore it, but like a stubborn fly which couldn´t be scared away, the voice reached her mind over and over again.
She opened her eyes and blinked, trying to find out where the voice was coming from, but she closed them again when she didn´t succeed.
„ Buffy, open your eyes!”

Her eyelids started to flicker when she suddenly recognized the voice.
She wanted to answer to him that he should let her sleep, but something in the desperate way he spoke to her made her obey his order.
Spike.
She wasn´t sure whether she had really said his name or whether the word was still caught between her lips, and so she concentrated to say it once again.
„Spike.“

„ I´m here, pet… Don´t fall asleep! You´ll freeze to death, you understand me? You gotta stand up and go back to the car, Buffy. “
Se blinked and slowly his face became clearer bit by bit.
Snowflakes were falling on his blonde hair, his face was pale and his eyes … in his wonderful blue eyes she loved more than anything else she could see naked fear.
She wanted to raise her hand to touch his face, but she simply couldn´t move at all.

„Stand up, Buffy, please! “ Spike begged over and over again and she longed desperately for being able to grant his request, but she felt as though she was unable to anything at all, even breathe.
„ So … tired “ she got to say.
„ I know you´re tired, pet. But you mustn´t fall asleep, not here! You must go back to the car.”
She nodded slightly, forcing herself to move her legs.

„ Come on, luv, I´ll help you. The car is just a few steps away.”
Spike didn´t stop encouraging her, and slowly, like a little child that was about to make the very first steps, Buffy stood up, ignoring the piercing pain in her skull, while she tripped through the snow.

Spike was by her side, never stopping talking to her, making sure that she wouldn´t give up.
They reached the car and as if by a miracle, she managed it to get into it.


“There´s a blanket on the backseat, put it around your body, luv.”
It took her a while until she understood what he wanted her to do.
She felt that something really strange was going on.
She closed her eyes, her lips working to unspoken questions, but producing not even a whisper.

Spike saw that her body was shaking and he lifted a hand, as if wanting to touch her face, while a single tear slowly ran down his cheek.
“What happened …? “Buffy murmured and let her head slowly fall backwards.

„We had an accident.”
She widened her eyes at him, sucking in deep breaths, while she slowly began to remember what had happened.
They had lost control over the car because of the slipperiness... the car had overturned... she hadn´t been belted...

She looked through the window into the twilight, looking for another car, for someone who could help them and call 911, but the road was empty.

“Everything´s gonna be alright, pet, don´t worry.”
He smiled at her, trying to keep his voice as encouraging as he wanted it to sound.

„ You alright …?” she whispered, closing her hand weakly on his.
She turned her head to look at him.
His face appeared to be hardly more substantial than a reflection floating on the surface of a pond.
He smiled sadly at her, thinking about a possible answer.
“I´m fine”, he finally said, doing his best to keep from looking sorrowful.
She heard his words slipping from his pale lips almost als silently as a gust of wind.
He closed his eyes, partly to force back his tears, partly to bar Buffy from seeing the truth in them.
„Somebody will come and help you. You must hold on, pet, promise me.”
“Okay...” Buffy answered weakly, closing slowly her eyes..

She leaned against him and forced herself to open her eyes and to kiss her lover´s cold lips.
The pain in her head settled into a dull ache, but the familiar smell of his skin made the pain more tolerable, softer, as if his bare presence would ease it.

„ I love you … “ Spike whispered in a shaky voice.
„ Love you, too“ Buffy murmured and squeezed his hand.

„ I wanted to give you something. It´s in the glove compartment, ´kay? “

“Okay”... she replied, too tired to keep her eyes open.

“I´m so sorry, Buffy. So damn sorry...” His voice was barely louder than a whisper, as if it was bit by bit carried away by the wind.

“You´ve nothing to be sorry about”, she assured him, smiling, while she glided into something which felt like sleep.
Her mouth was curved slightly, as though she was having a pleasant dream.

Then her smile faded... and her hand went limp in his.

******

She opened her eyes as someone called her name.
“Miss... can you hear me?”
Two men she had never seen before were bent over her and it took her a while until she understood that she was in an ambulance.
She nodded slightly, trying to lift her head, but one of the orderlies hindered her.
Oh, thank God..., she thought.
They have found us!

“My boyfriend... where is he?” her voice came out in a rasping whisper, while her gaze shifted from side to side.
“Miss...” The younger orderly touched her shoulder, speaking in a friendly, calm voice, but for some strange reasons, his touch frightend more than comforted her.
She realized that both of them avoided meeting gazes with her.

She grabbed the arm of the one who had spoken to her, studying his face for a long minute.
The dropping sensation in the stomach, the tightening in the chest, the lightheadedness familiar from the sudden speedy plunge of a roller coaster afflicted her, as he opened his mouth.
She heard the words which she didn´t want to hear, she saw the regretful expression on their faces which she didn´t want to see and she closed her eyes, as if trying to escape the words, but they came nevertheless.

“Miss, I´m so sorry...your boyfriend is dead. He died when the car had overturned. His neck...”

Ignoring the pain in her scull, she fiercely shook her head.
“No!” she interrupted him in a foreign, shrill voice.
“You´re lying... he can´t be dead! He helped me to get back to the car... he spoke to me... he held my hand...”
Tears were streaking down her pale cheeks, as she tried to stand up.

“Let me see him... please... I just wanna see him!”

They tried to calm her down and to convince her that she was fantasising, but she refused to listen to them.

“Spike isn´t dead...he saved me!”, she repeated over and over again, although in some hidden little corner of her soul she felt the painful truth.

*******



It was dark in the room of the hospital.
She stood at the open window and looked out into the night, breathing in the cold winter air.

She had no more tears which she could cry, she felt empty and cold as if she was a lifeless cover.
She had to accept that Spike was dead and that she would never see his face again... never kiss his lips again.
Se would never again feel his strong arms... his protecting embrace.

Over and over again she thought of the moments when Spike had made her go back to the car.
She was sure that it hadn´t been an illusion, although the doctors told her that he must have died the moment when the car had overturned.
And nevertheless, he had saved her.

Suddenly she understood why he didn´t carry her...
Why he had told her to put the blanket around her body...
Why his hand had felt so cold...
Why he had whispered that he was sorry...


Everything became absolutely clear.


It all made perfect sense... and at the same time, nothing seemed to make any
sense at all.


*********



It was a few days later when she suddenly remembered his words:
I wanted to give you something. It´s in the glove compartment, ´kay?
She asked Becky, one of the nurses, to do her a favour and search the glove compartment for something he might have put inside.
Becky returned with a small box and Buffy felt her heart hammering against her breast, when she carefully turned it to and fro.

It took her a while until she dared to open it.

There were a beautiful, silvery ring inside.
Whit shaking fingers, she laid the ring carefully on her palm and closed her fingers around it.
It felt strangely warm in her hand, as if someone had touched it only a few seconds ago and she closed her eyes, while she silently began to cry.


When she looked again at the ring, she saw that it was engraved.
With one hand she wiped her tears away while she read the engraving.
Always By Your Side

It hurt so terribly, and at the same time, nothing had ever felt so wonderful.

And she knew that she would carry on.

Because Spike had wanted it.

And because they would be together again.

Someday.



END

Sequel
Behind the curtain

Each of her steps caused a soft, resounding noise as she started walking slowly through the darkness.
Taking in deep breaths she inhaled the familiar smell of pine, salt, and see and paused for a moment to look up at the starry sky.
Following a sudden impulse she streched out her hands and closed her eyes.
I´m touching the stars, she thought, sensing a wild, uncontrollable joy, mixed with a deep feeling of humility and reverence.
The wind rumpled her long hair and touched softly her cheeks, warm and innocent like a child´s breath.
She kept on walking through the darkness and with every step she felt as if she was leaving the outer world of reason to dip into a inner one that was made out of feelings.

The scenery she was looking at applied as an infinite landscape of- what?
It was like nothing she had ever seen before, there was no word that could have described it.
She thought of a winter scenery, soft wafes of snow...but at the same time it smelled of spring rain and muggy summer evenings.
For some strange reasons, she felt as if she had somehow fallen into a dream without first falling into sleep.
She felt strangely light, like a sheet that was carried away by the wind, following a secret aim that was invisible for her eyes.

She lifted her head a little to listen intently to a sudden sound and it took her a moment before she understood that someone was calling her name.
“Buffy...” the voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere, from far away and at the same time quite near beside her ear.
She felt as if the voice, like a rag rubbing soot from a window, facilitated the passage of a thin but precious light into the darkness she walked through.

The light seemed to be on the other side of the world.
But on the side, she suddenly recognized, someone was waiting for her.

~~~~~~~


The light was more glistening than anything she had ever seen before, but it did not blind her.
It seemed as if the brightness was a shapeless substance which touched her body, filling her soul with pure joy.
Somebody walked slowly towards her, a gentle smile on the lips.
“Spike...” she whispered while her eyes filled with tears, streching out her hands to touch him.
Everything seemed to be unreal , like the wisdom in the eyes of a child, but in some hidden little corner of her soul she knew that it was really happening.

Thoughts of the years they´d shared came back to her, and as she stared at him, she noticed how little he had changed.
At that time he had left her, that smile on his face had been the last she had seen of him.
He took both of her hands in his and she closed her eyes, allowing the feelings to roll over her.
She felt something twitch inside, something deep and old, something that made her speechless and dizzy.
“So many years”, she said with breaking voice, “I couldn´t say goodbye... when you left me.”
A weight of sadness pressed her voice thinner than a whisper and she knew that the sound of her voice was full of reproach.

“I´ve written so many letters to you, Spike... There were so many things I wanted you to know.”

“I know”, he replied softly, caressing her cheek.
“I read them all.”

Buffy wrapped her arms around his body and buried her face in his shoulder, breathing in the familiar smell of his skin.
While he stroked her back, she felt as if her body was a vessel that bit by bit was filled with pure joy and peace.
All the feelings of pain, loneliness and bitterness that she he had felt over the last years since he had left her alone, disappeared like a nightmare.
Drawing him close, she felt as though she´d finally come home.

She held him tightly, letting the years of seperation dissolve.
Time, she suddenly realized, didn´t have any meaning.

“So that´s it”, she whispered as she finally pulled back to look at him, pointing at the brightness that was surrounding them.
“That´s behind the curtain... this feeling of peace. And love.”

Spike nodded slightly and smiled as she closed her eyes and spread her arms, as if intending to dive into the ocean of light.
He watched her silently, letting her enjoy the feelings for a moment, before he stepped towards her.
She hadn't realized her eyes were closed until she felt his hands cupping her face, and she opened them.

“Buffy”, he said gently, as he leaned his forehead against hers, knowing that the following words would cause her pain.
“You can´t stay here... you must go back, luv.”


~~~~~~~


She hadn´t say anything, her muscles seemed frozen.
She widened her eyes at him as she bit her lip, refusing to consider what was coming.
“You´re time hasn´t come yet”, he said softly as he brushed back a stray lock of her hair.

Her usual beauty, as clear and deep as a reflection of eternity, was now shattered by terror, crazed by sharp lines of an anguish that was close to grief.

“You must go back”, he repeated.

She shook her head, trying desperately to force back the tears.
She wanted to tell him that she loved him, that he was her very first thought when she woke and the last one before she fell asleep, but she wasn´t able to pruduce anything, not even a gasp.
“I know”, his voice came out in a rasping whisper, “I know that you want to tell me so many things. I know that you still keep my clothes in the closet and that you touch them every night before you go to bed. I know that you reach out your hands every morning to my bedside, as though I was still there.”

A tear was streaking down her cheek as she said:
“I don´t wanna go back.”

Spike raised a hand to her face and murmured:
“Since I´ve been gone you keep wishing that I return back to you. But I´m here, luv... right here.”
He touched softly her skin and pointed at the place where her heart was.

Sadly he watched the steady flow of tears as she said with breaking voice: “I can´t go back. Not now... please...”

He raised a hand to touch her face and whispered:
“Your time hasn´t come yet. You have to live your life, baby... it´s full of joy and happiness. And hope. Believe me.I know that you miss me and I know that it´s hard for you to carry the burden of each day and to keep breathing under the weight of every night. But you have to be strong, Buffy. You have to take all these feelings as they come, accept them all, the joy as well as the sadness. And when it´s time for you to go... then I´ll be waiting for you. Right here.”

She couldn´t manage answering his smile, but she nodded slightly, feeling a sudden weight on her soul that made her gasp.
“Promise me that you´ll be happy”, he said, pressing a quick kiss into her soft palm.
Again she nodded, her entire body shivering as he kissed her trembling lips.
“I love you, Buffy. Love won´t stop just because I can´t be with you... don´t forget that.”

Wiping away her tears she replied:
“I know. Love you, too.”

“I´m so sorry, luv”, he whispered, apologizing for everything and anything.
“I´ll be waiting...”
For the last time he allowed her to bath in the waves of the eternal light, before he softly turned her around.


~~~~~




“Dr. Hamilton... Dr. Hamilton... she´s back again!”
Buffy heard the foreign voice as through a fog.
Keeping her eyes firmly closed, she couldn´t see the doctor and the nurses staring at a monitor that showed the beating of her heart.
Only a few seconds ago there had been just a thin green line, but she was back again... back in life.



~~~~~~~


She knew that sooner or later they would ask her why she had taken all those pills, but this evening they let her alone and she was thankful for it.
She stood at the window and watched the sun go down while a slight smile appeared on her pale face.

Spike, she recognized, had taught her everything.
About life, hope, joy... and love.

And when my times comes, she thought, feeling the happiness in a corner of her soul, he´ll be waiting behind the curtain.


END.