Chapter 1
“Buffy! Buuuu-fffyyy!”
“Meh.” The Slayer grumbled at the sound of the high pitched teenaged voice calling her name. She turned over on the bed so that she lay on her stomach and threw her arm on the opposite side of her.
“Bloody hell!” A grumble followed by a deep growl came from next to her.
Buffy turned on her side, taking in the naked vampire lying next to her. “Dawn’s calling, Spike. Why don’t you go see what she wants?”
He opened one eye and looked directly at her, half of his face buried in the pillow. “’S not my name she’s calling, love.”
She gave him her best pout, making sure to stick her lower lip out because she knew he couldn’t resist it. “Come on, Spike, I’m under the covers all warm and toasty. You’re just lying there not getting cold at all. Plus, she likes you better.”
He bit her lip making sure to suck on it a little before pulling away. “Sorry, love, its big sis she wants.”
Buffy slapped his shoulder. He hadn’t argued that her sister liked him better. Sure, she’d said it, but he wasn’t supposed to agree. He grabbed her hand and held it to his chest.
“Oi! No beating the vampire. ‘M not your bloody slave.”
She rolled her eyes, threw the blankets off and stood up. Turning to face him, she allowed him to give her naked body the once over, then put on her bathrobe.
“Hurry back, Slayer. I think we have time for a quickie before patrolling.”
“No, Spike. Meet me downstairs in ten minutes otherwise we’ll never leave this room.”
“Fine.” He pouted and turned back onto his stomach.
She stared at his naked body. He was milky white and his back was beautifully toned. Her eyes traveled further down and landed on his ass, what a gorgeous behind, hard as a rock. She shook her head in disbelief as her hand went to touch her neck for the hundredth time. It had only been supposed to be a nap. It had been six months since she’d come back from the dead and still she needed Spike in order to sleep. It wasn’t that she had nightmares anymore; it was that she couldn’t get to sleep if he wasn’t next to her.
She had come home from work that afternoon feeling completely drained. Her head hurt more than usual, and she just wanted to take a shower and sleep before going out on patrol. She found Spike sitting on the couch as usual, his legs propped on the coffee table, watching Passions. She stood in front of him and extended her hand for him to take.
“Nap with me? I’m tired.”
He looked at her and smiled. “You’re going to have to learn to sleep by yourself at some point.”
She knew he didn’t mean a word of it, he knew it too. He would never turn down the chance to hold her in his arms. She’d been very welcoming in bed the last three months, and each time he’d taken her he felt she let him in closer.
“I need a shower first,” she told him.
He shot up off the couch, grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her toward the stairs. “Come on, Slayer, no time to waste. I’m sure you can’t wait to get that work grime off your body.”
She smiled as he pushed her into the bathroom, watching as he turned on the hot shower and began undressing her. “Such service.”
He had her in the shower so quickly she hadn’t even noticed him take off his clothes. She rolled her shoulders and closed her eyes as Spike soaped up her body. She was enjoying his hands on her when she felt a shooting pain in her head. Not wanting to make a big deal out of it, she grimaced slightly and hoped he hadn’t noticed, but he was standing in front of her shampooing her scalp when it happened.
“Buffy, what is it? What hurts?” he asked in a panic.
“Nothing, Spike, just a little sore from work is all.” She hated when he used her name.
He looked at her, his face turning serious, jaw clenched in worry. She’d been making the same face and hiding her pain from him for about a week now. Every time he tried to talk to her about it she changed the subject or ran off to do something. Now he felt her warm lips on his and her hands around him. She kissed him, first lightly on the lips as a thank-you for taking such good care of her, then deeper and full of desire as she pulled him closer. He responded eagerly, pulling her even closer to him as he tried to walk her blindly toward the bedroom. That’s how they had ended up in bed at five p.m. They’d been going at it for two hours taking short naps in between. No matter what he did to her, she did not feel satisfied.
She was lying under him, her legs wrapped around his waist, her eyes closed as she felt him slowly glide in and out of her. He’d been doing this for what seemed like forever, he would slowly bring her to the point of climax, and when she was about to orgasm, he’d stop it from happening. She was delirious with want and could barely speak.
“Spike,” she moaned.
“What it is Slayer? What do you want?”
“You,” she practically growled.
“I’m right here, love. Giving you what you need.”
“Need to be inside. Need more!”
“I am inside.”
“No,” she whined, “I need to be inside you. I want to be part of you, in your blood.”
She wanted to be a part of him. She could never bring herself to tell him the words he needed to hear, but she could show him. She would show him.
“Buffy, do you know what you’re asking? Are you sure?”
He knew what she wanted and he knew what it meant. To have the Slayer’s blood inside of him would make him very powerful. He would be able to protect her even better than he was able to now. With her blood inside him, this slayer would make it well past her thirties. No other slayer had.
“Yes!” she screamed and he realized that she was just about to climax.
They locked eyes and he felt her body rise up toward his, her fingers in his hair, tears welling up in her eyes. This was when she loved him. It was at these moments he had no doubt of her love for him.
“I love you, Slayer.”
His words made her finish. When she did, her body lay back on the bed, sweaty and exhausted but radiant still. She pulled his head down to her neck. “Do it, Spike, take me in. I want to be part of you.”
“Are you sure?” he asked again, lifting his head to whisper in her ear.
She nodded and pulled him back down to her neck. “I need you to know, to understand how I feel.”
He lifted his head up to her ear again. “Buffy, I already know. You tell me when we’re like this. When I see you glow I know it’s because of me that you’re smiling like you are. I know how you feel.”
She turned her head to look at him, he propped himself up on his elbows so that he was looking down at her. She put one hand on his face and the other one played with the curls in his hair. “Spike, I need you. I need you strong, I need you to fight. I need you by my side.”
He nodded. She didn’t want him to leave her like all the others had, and so she had a plan, she’d give him her blood and make him stronger. This is how she would let him know she loved him. “Okay, love. I will.”
He lowered his head to her neck and softly licked it kissing her gently so she understood he would not be rough. Buffy tilted her head back and brought her neck closer to him. He felt the bumps on his face emerge along with his fangs, felt her body tense when he sunk them into her skin. Her hand, which had been playing with his hair, stopped and she held her breath underneath him. He ran his fingers through her hair in order to calm her down, and began taking her blood in slowly. Her body suddenly relaxed under him as she let out a soft sigh. She could feel the blood rushing out of her and into his mouth. It made her dizzy and lightheaded while at the same time calm and content.
“Spike,” she sighed and let out a small hum.
Feeling assured that he had her trust now, he began sucking harder on her and feeling what he needed from her blood. Her hands came around his back and she clutched at him, digging her nails in as her back arched lifting her off the bed and closer to him.
“More,” she moaned. “Don’t stop, Spike, please.”
Hearing those words come out of her mouth made him stop. He would not turn her into a monster. He pulled his fangs out and began licking her wound clean, making sure it would heal nicely. He placed gentle kisses on her neck as she panted and tried to regain her composure.
“Spike,” she finally said, “you’re hard.”
“Yeah. I’ve told you before, blood and sex, sex and blood, it’s all the same to me.”
She took his face in her hands and pulled it to her mouth. “Don’t waste it.”
**********************************************************
That’s how life had been between them since the day Angel left five months ago. They spent every waking moment together, unless she was at work or school. Even though she hadn’t been able to tell him the three words he wanted to hear, he knew she felt them and he understood why she was so afraid to say them. She didn’t want him to leave. In the past, everyone she’d ever told had left. He understood and he was patient. He would wait until she was ready.
Dawn had come to see Spike as an older brother and Willow didn’t mind having the vampire around, especially since he was so perceptive about relationships. She could always go to him for advice when things went wrong between her and Tara. Everything was perfect in the Summers’ household, except for the fact that the slayer was keeping something from him.

Chapter 2

“Buu-ffyyy!!”

“Alright, Dawn. I’m coming!”

Buffy gave Spike and his delicious body one last look then walked out the door making sure to fix her hair so that it covered her new scar. She ran down the stairs and walked right into Dawn.

“Geez, Buffy where’ve you been? I’ve been down here for like an hour. Oh!” She covered her mouth when she realized where her sister had been. “Is Spike up there with you?”

Buffy couldn’t hold back the smirk that played on her face. “Yeah.” She quickly replaced her smirk with an annoyed older sister look. “What do you want, Dawn? We were sleeping and you woke me up.”

“Sleeping. Right.”

“Dawn!”

“Food. I need to eat, Buffy.”

“Pizza, order a pizza. Spike and I need to patrol tonight, will you be okay alone?”

“Never had a problem before.”

“Little Bit’s all grown up now, Slayer. No need to ask those questions.”

Buffy turned to look as Spike when she heard his voice behind her. She saw his black boots coming down the steps and wondered if he would ever get new ones. These were scuffed to the point where the fronts of them were white. Her eyes followed up from his boots toward his fitted black jeans and black t-shirt. The same shirt she wore so often. Her body tensed as she met his eyes and she felt her thighs clench. He gave her a wicked smile as he sensed the effect he had on her. It was his demeanor that made her wild for him. The way he walked into a room with such confidence-or was it cockiness? Everyone had to direct their attention to him. She blushed and looked down, then turned to face Dawn. The girl straightened up to stand taller. Buffy didn’t understand why her sister insisted on always doing this, she was already taller than her, why try harder?

“Thanks, Spike.” Dawn smiled widely at him, glad that someone recognized that she was almost an adult now.
Buffy rolled her eyes at the bond that had developed between the vampire and her sister. This would never have happened if she had chosen Angel. He would probably have stayed in her room brooding. He wouldn’t have even allowed himself in her house.

“Slayer.”

“Huh?”

Dawn had bounded off to the kitchen to order pizza and left Spike looking down at Buffy’s bathrobe with a leer on his face.

“Spike!” she yelled and closed the bathrobe tighter around herself.

“What?” he asked.

“Dawn’s in the kitchen.”

“Never been a problem before…”

“Spike!” The last thing she needed Dawn to hear was that they’d had sex on the steps while she’d been in the kitchen. Or that they had sex at all.

“What?”

She looked at him putting her hand on her waist to show him her level of annoyance.

“Alright, I get it. Now are you gonna go get dressed or what? There’s some big bad out there waiting for a serious ass kicking!”

She opened her mouth to respond but suddenly blanched and gripped tightly at the railing.

“What is it? You okay?” he asked, taking a step down and placing his arms around her waist.

“Oh, nothing.” She swatted at his arms and tried to smile. “Just had a flashback of the last time we went patrolling. Remember the mucous demon?”

He gave her a hard look and she saw the worry in his eyes. She hated lying to him, but there was no reason to freak him out- at least not yet.

“Better go get ready,” she told him, ignoring the way he was trying to get answer from her by staring into her eyes. She started up the stairs and made her best attempt to look bouncy and carefree so he’d be convinced she was perfectly fine.

Once in her room she sat at the edge of the bed and leaned her elbows on her knees, holding her head in her hands. She breathed in and out for several minutes before she heard a knock on the door.

“Buffy?”

Crap. He used her name. Whenever he used her name it was due to serious worrying about her. Otherwise it was always Slayer, or love, and pet, all of which she preferred to Buffy when it came from him. Since when had Spike ever respected her privacy? Why was he knocking? Crap. That’s a step back.

“I’ll be out in a minute, Spike.”

“Okay, love. I’ll be downstairs.”

What? No perverted sexual remark? At least he’d called her love. That was a good thing. She stood up and went looking for clothes. She threw on a blue fitted sweater and a pair of jeans. Looking in the mirror at her long hair she contemplated cutting it. It may be best in the long run. She shook her head and reminded herself to just wait. Spike loved her long hair, he’d get lost in it for hours when she would lay her head on his chest. He’d twine his hands through it, it relaxed him, and her for that matter. No, she wouldn’t cut it, but for tonight she’d put it in two braids to keep it out of her face.

She walked down the stairs, taking them one slow bounce at a time as she made eye contact with him. He had a cold look in his eyes as he stood in front of the door at the bottom of the stairs. His jaw was clenched, making his cheekbones all the more distinct. She shook off the shiver that always came when she found something arousing about him, and sauntered over to him, making sure to give her hips an extra swing. When she reached him, she threw he arms around his neck and standing on tip toe, licked his earlobe and whispered,

“Have I ever told you how sexy it is when you give me that look?”

Spike closed his eyes and held back the shudder of desire that wanted to run through him. Instead, he placed the flat of his hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her back. Buffy gave him a hurt look, then smiled and said,

“You want to play hard to get, Mr. Big Bad?”

“Buffy!”

She stomped her foot and whined his name “Spike, I hate it when you use my name.”

He held back a laugh as he watched The Vampire Slayer jump up and down in a tantrum. Her pigtails didn’t help the situation any.

“Listen, Buffy,” she pouted then bit her lip when she saw no change in his expression,” what’s going on?”

“Nothing, Spike, I’m just feeling under the weather. School, work, and patrolling are taking their toll, that’s all.”

He put his hand on the side of her face and leaned his head to the side. He looked deep into her eyes and then shook his head. “Come on, then. Let’s kick some demon ass.”

She was confused at his reaction and watched him in silence as he walked out the door. Why hadn’t he pushed the subject further?

“You coming, Slayer?”

She shrugged her shoulders and followed him toward the graveyard.

The walk to the cemetery was silent. Where they usually found themselves hand in hand with her head on his shoulder, this time they couldn’t have walked farther apart. Upon reaching their destination, they immediately began patrolling. There was no flirting, no quipping of any sort between the lovers, just hunting. It was a slow night, after forty five minutes Buffy began to think the demons had gone running in fear of the tension between them. The night was so slow and quiet that she could hear crickets. She walked along beside him switching her stake from one hand to the other until she couldn’t take it anymore.

“God, Spike, did you swallow your tongue or something?”

“Calm down, Slayer,” he told her, his hands in the air and his eyes bulging. “Put the stake down.”

Buffy looked at her hand and realized that she had been pointing the stake right at him. “Uh, sorry,” she said and put her hand down. “What’s wrong with you, Spike? You’ve been quiet all night and that’s not like you. Silence is my thing- you’re thing is constantly saying what’s on your mind.” He gave her a look. “Well it’s true! You do.”

“Look, Slayer, this isn’t the time. You need your concentration.”

“What concentration, Spike? There’s nothing out tonight.” She extended her arms out to either side and turned to look at the cemetery. “See? Nothing.”

“Except…”

She didn’t let him finish the sentence. Whipping her body around, she kicked her leg out and kicked the vampire that came up behind her. At least she tried to kick him, but he grabbed her leg mid swing and used it to push her to the ground. Spike caught her before she fell and she used him to push herself forward toward her attacker. She kicked him again, this time in the face, and when that didn’t work she punched him a few times. She continued hitting and kicking him ducking each time he lunged at her. Finally, she saw Spike come up behind him.

“Spike!”

When he looked up at her she threw him her stake. Spike caught it and put it through the vampire turning it into dust. They looked at each other and smiled.

“We make a great team.”

“Slayer and Vampire I always said. Best ass kickers around.” He took a step toward her and put his arms around her waist, pulling her tightly around him. “Now,” he whispered in her ear, “about that kiss you planted on my ear earlier…”

She melted into him; she had no defenses against him. She was his whenever he wanted her and this time was no different. She leant her head back and allowed him to kiss her, his hand pushing her deeper into him. She knew her lips would be sore, was sure there’d be some bruising, but right now she didn’t care. Right now she needed to be consumed by him, needed to lose herself in him. She felt him harden against her thigh, and moaned at the mere thought of what would be happening soon. They would have been down on the cold ground within minutes, tearing at each other’s clothes, except they were interrupted by someone clearing their throat.

“Ahem!”

They stopped kissing and turned their heads toward the source of the noise.

“Angel,” Buffy gasped.

“Bloody hell.”

Chapter 3

Angel stared at the scene in front of him. Buffy, her lips bright red from being bitten, her mouth agape. She took a step toward him only to be pulled back by Spike. She looked up at him questioningly, and then opened her eyes wide when she followed his eyes down to his pants.

“Sorry,” she told him.

“Too late,” Angel muttered. “I’ve already seen it.”
He’d seen Spike’s erection and it made his entire body shake in disgust. There she was, the love of his life, in the arms of scum. Spike, the lowest of the low, holding her, making love to her, he couldn’t stand it.

“What’s the matter, Angel? Feeling jealous cause you can’t have what I get every night?”

Buffy slapped Spike on the shoulder and he gave her a look. “What are you doing here, Angel?” she asked.

“I heard some things, wanted to see if they were true.”

“What? That the Slayer’s been boinking me? Yeah, well, it true mate. Girl can’t get enough.”

He had that evil half smile that usually turned her on, but this time it made her mad, really mad. She slapped him again, this time on the chest; hard, then took a step back.

“What the fu-“

“What’s the matter with you, Spike? You don’t have to act like a child in front of Angel.” She turned around to face Angel feeling assured that her slap had calmed Spike down, and it was safe for her to move away from him. Angel knew the look on her face and took a step back. She was ready to charge, and he had nothing to protect himself with. Spike crossed his arms, allowing a satisfied smile to cross his face. She was his slayer now, and she was about to make that very clear.

“What are you doing here, Angel?” she asked him again, her hands on her hips.

“I told you, I heard some things and I came to see if they were true. I came to see if you were alright.”

“If what you heard is that I’m with Spike then yes, it’s true and yes, I’m perfectly alright.” She turned to look at Spike and said, “Actually, I’ve never felt better in my life.”

A look of pain crossed over Angel’s face and Buffy didn’t fail to see it. His eyes looked her over as he took her in and realized how much better she looked than the last time they’d met. She was radiant now. He frowned as his eyes suddenly landed on the puncture wounds on her neck. She covered them with her hand when she noticed where his eyes had landed. She was not ready to explain this to him.

“Buffy,” he sounded so sad and disappointed, “what did you do?” She saw the pain in his eyes turn to anger and she became afraid of what he would do. “You’re his now?”

“Yeah mate, what of it?” Spike to a menacing step forward. He felt Angel struggling to keep his demon under control and wanted to protect his slayer.

“I wasn’t talking to you, Spike.” Angel’s eyes didn’t move away from Buffy’s neck. “You came back wrong,” he told her in a whisper.

“What?” Her eyes welled up with tears because that was exactly what she had feared since she’d come back.

“To be able to love that thing,” he pointed at Spike, “to make love to it, to let it mark you as his own. You must have come back wrong.”

There he was, the love of her life, the one man she had let all the way in, no walls no boundaries; the one man who had broken her, standing there confirming her biggest fear. She was no longer Buffy, no longer human, but something else.

“No.” She shook her head in denial. He was wrong. How could he know anything?

“What it wrong with you?” Spike growled at his grandsire.

“How could you claim to love her and say that?”
Angel lost the battle with his demon, his face morphed into the monster as he got in Spike’s face. “This has nothing to do with you!”
Buffy could only stare as Spike went into game face and growled at Angel. The two were faced off, ready to attack.

“Anything involving the Slayer is my business. Don’t make me hurt you, I know she still loves you and she doesn’t want me to hurt you, but I will do what I have to.”
Angel growled fiercely at his grandchilde. Buffy felt a sharp pain shoot from her neck onto her head, but ignored it and tried to make them stop before they hurt each other.

“Guys, don’t!” She was only able to muster a small whisper before her hands flew up to hold her head together because the pain made her feel as if it would split in two.

“Stop!” she screamed, speaking more to the pain than the vampires.

Spike turned just in time to see her body slump over and ran to catch her before she hit the ground. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “It hurts so much.” She passed out before she could tell him anymore.

“Buffy, Buffy! Can you hear me? Slayer, come on!” He was distraught, didn’t know what to do.
Angel ran over to him and peered down at the Slayer.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I don’t know!” Spike was hysterical, he couldn’t think clearly with his Slayer like this.

“Let’s take her to her house- your house, get her in bed, she needs to lie down.”

“I know that!” There was no way he was going to let Angel take charge here. He was going to protect her, this was why she’d let him take her blood, so he could save her.

Chapter 4

She lay on her bed where Spike and Angel had brought her after her headache had knocked her out. She opened her eyes and looked around noticing that a vampire stood on either side of her. Something bad must have happened if they were in the same room and not at each other’s throats.

“Wh-what happened?” She tried to sit up but felt a rush of pain move from her spine to her head. She let out a small yelp and lay back down.

“Be careful, love.” Spike took her hand in his and looked at her with sadness in his eyes.

“Buffy, earlier at the cemetery, you screamed and grabbed your head then you blacked out.” Angel’s eyes didn’t fail to notice the way the couple held hands.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Buffy tried to make light of the incident as she wriggled her hand out of Spike’s grasp, and ignored his frown. “I bet I’m just getting the flu or something. Spike?”

“Yeah, pet?”

“I’m really thirsty, do you think you could find me some ginger ale or something to settle my stomach?”
He looked over from her to Angel, then back to her and he was sure he caught something between them. He was not sure what, but there was something there. Without thinking, he emitted a growl from deep down. Buffy took hold of his hand and said,

“Hey, look at me.” She could see the hate and jealousy in his eyes. “I really would like you to get me a drink. Nothing’s going to happen while you are gone. I promise. I know where I belong, remember?” She placed her hand over the scar on her neck to make him understand.
Spike smiled down at her, memories of the way she’d given herself to him wholly the night before playing in his head. She loved him. She hadn’t admitted as much yet, but he could see it in her smile, her eyes and in the way she trusted him enough to drink from her. Angel had no chance.

“Okay, pet, I’ll go.” He looked at Angel and growled. “If you so much as lay a hand on her, you’re dust!”
With that, Spike turned around so dramatically that his duster jacket flew up in the air as he slammed the door shut behind him.

“Always had a flair for the dramatic,” Angel stated as the door shut.

She just smiled at him, her eyes twinkling and it upset him that that twinkle was no longer for him. “You love him don’t you?”

She looked down at her lap and began toying with her hair, continuously placing the same strand behind her ear.

“You can be honest with me, Buffy. That’s something I hope will never change between us.”

“He’s so different now. He has been ever since I came back.” She didn’t want to tell him because she didn’t want to lose him.

“You’re bonded.” His eyes landed on her neck. Her hand went to it instinctively. “We can sense it. All vampires can. They won’t touch you because you belong to him, in a way I’m glad he did it. It means you’ll be safer. I still hate him for it.”

Buffy had stopped listening. She stared into space, her eyes unfocused.

“Buffy, Buffy!” He waved his hand in front of her but she continued in her trance.

Suddenly she gasped for air as if she hadn’t been breathing. She grabbed his hand which remained in front of her face, turned her head and frowned. “What just happened?”

“You don’t know?”

“No. I feel like I spaced out for a minute.”

“This isn’t just the flu is it?” He looked at her, his eyes full of concern.
Buffy shook her head as she looked him in the eyes and let go of his hand.

“What?” he asked.

“I have a tumor,” she whispered as she struggled to hold back the tears.

“A tu- but you’re the Slayer.”

“I know. Vampires, demons, the occasional flu, those things get me down. Not this.”

“Is it-?”

“I don’t know yet. I’m having it removed tomorrow morning. Simple surgery. It’s right above my neck. They’ll take it out, test it, then tell me if-“

“You’re the Slayer.”

“I know! I must be more human than Slayer, or maybe I came back wrong. Angel I can’t- I can’t.” She stopped and took a deep breath to control her anger.

“Who knows? Spike?”

“No, no one. Me.”

“You’re doing this alone? Why?”

“They don’t need this. Not after my mother- I don’t even know if this is bad yet. No reason to worry them. Especially Dawn. God, Angel, she’s been through so much.”

“I’ll go with you. I’ll go through this with you.”
She shook her head, unable to speak.

“What time tomorrow?”

“If Spike finds out--”

“Nothing. You can’t do this alone and you won’t tell anyone, not even him so I’ll be there for you.”
She thought of Spike and her tears ran free. “If something happens-”

“Buffy-“

“If something happens I want him to take care of her. She’ll stay with Willow, but I want him to take care of her.”

“Dawn,” he said.

“Promise me you’ll make sure he takes care of her. Please?” She was having trouble speaking through her tears.

He leant toward her and removed the wet strands of hair from her face. “You can cry. I won’t tell and I promise she’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.”
She smiled at him; it was the smile she used to give him. His heart split in half knowing that this was Spike’s smile now and he was just borrowing it. They heard Spike’s bounding footsteps and Buffy quickly let go of Angel’s hand and dried her face off. Angel gave her a tissue and walked to the door in order to stall Spike. When the other vampire opened the door he was greeted by Angel’s looming form blocking the doorway.

“Still here I see. Why don’t you run along home now and let my Slayer get her rest?”

Not wanting to cause Buffy any more stress, Angel ignored Spike’s comment and turned to look at her. Giving her a smile when he saw that she had managed to compose herself he said,

“I hope you feel better Buffy. I’ll be around early tomorrow if you need anything.”

She smiled at him catching on to his hint. “Thanks, Angel.” She held up five fingers and mouthed the word ‘five’ to let him know what time she’d be at the hospital.
He nodded his head and walked out the door without a single word to Spike. She sighed and laid her head back on the pillow as she watched him leave.

“How’s my strong little slayer doing?” Spike asked.
She looked up at him and gave him a meek smile. “Not great. I need a big strong vampire to come hold me and nurse me back to health.”

“I can do that.” He took off his duster then sat on the bed and removed his boots. He pulled the blankets off the bed and began to settle down next to her when she stopped him.

“Naked.” She smiled at his look of surprise.

“You’re sick, pet. Think you should just rest tonight.”

“Shirtless?”

“How about just my underpants?”

She smiled and nodded watching intently as he unbuttoned his shirt and removed his pants. “Mmm, yummy.”
When he was done he lay next to her in bed, lifting his arm and allowing her to cuddle on his chest. He smiled as he thought of the suffering Angel must be going through knowing that she was sleeping in his arms every night. Buffy sighed deeply on his chest and glanced over at the alarm clock. The sun would be up soon and in just a few hours she’d have to get up and face reality. But for now she could rest in his arms in peace.

Chapter 5

“Ugh,” She whined as the alarm went off. She slammed the button on the clock to stop its incessant noise.

“Umm, Slayer,” Spike mumbled as he turned on the bed. Buffy smiled as she ran her hand through his platinum curls and kissed his cheek. “My sweet, soft, Slayer,” he continued. “Mine.”

Buffy giggled at the ‘big strong vampire’ and watched him begin to growl in his sleep again. She swung her legs to the floor and heaved a deep sigh as she pulled herself up. She went to the bathroom and turned the shower on. As soon as she was under the hot water she let her tears flow. Once she started she couldn’t stop. What would happen to her? What about her family and her friends? She had no time for this. No self-pity allowed. She had to get ready for surgery.

Once she was dressed and ready to go, Buffy walked over to Spike and gave him one last kiss before she left. She quickly wrote him a note telling him she would be training with Giles in the desert. She knew he’d protest to her training after yesterday’s ordeal, but he wouldn’t be able to reach her in the desert. She only hoped she would be back by noon with good news.
*********************************************************

She arrived at the hospital right on schedule. As she walked in the door she paused and allowed her eyes to wander about the room hoping to see a familiar face. She didn’t. It’s just as well. If he were here it would give me an excuse to feel sorry for myself. She took a step toward the registration desk and felt someone grab her arm. She turned around quickly, her fist ready to throw a punch. He stopped it with his hand.

“Well, good to see this little tumor problem hasn’t affected your reflexes.”

“Angel.” She couldn’t stop the smile of relief that spread across her face.

“I told you I’d be here.” He smiled back at her.
She threw her arms around him and hugged him tighter than she’d intended. He allowed himself to be hugged but was unable to hug her back. She noticed and understood. Feeling a little ashamed for putting him in such a painful position she took a step back.

“Sorry.” She looked down at the floor while tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“It’s okay, Buffy. Are you ready for this?”

She looked back up at him wide eyed and nodded. He put his arm around her and helped her register.
Once they were registered, they were ushered to a room where Buffy listened to her doctor review the procedure with her again. She couldn’t concentrate on his words, choosing instead to look at Angel who gave her a reassuring look. He saw how small and frail she looked sitting in her hospital gown with her hands on her lap. He couldn’t tell if it was the look on her face or her pigtails that made her look like a vulnerable little girl. He was overcome with the need to gather her in his arms and protect her from all of the world’s evil. But that was no longer his job; it was for Spike to do now.

“Okay, Ms. Summers, you may lay on the stretcher now and we’ll wheel you over to the prep room.”
Buffy nodded and lay down, not once moving her eyes away from his. The doctor noticed this and stepped in front of Angel.

“No one is allowed in the prep room Sir. Why don’t you say goodbye to your girlfriend and we’ll find you when the procedure is done.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I just assumed.”

Angel didn’t know why he’d felt the need to say that. The doctor didn’t care. Maybe he needed to hear it out loud so he could come to terms with it. Shrugging his shoulders he walked to Buffy and took her hand. “Everything will be okay.”

She gave him a wavering smile. “How did you get in? There aren’t many sewers here. How did you get past the sun?”
Angel looked over to the doctor a worried look on his face. Did she forget he was still there?

“She’s being medicated.” The doctor nodded toward the IV in Buffy’s arm.

Angel sighed in relief. He grabbed his coat to imply he'd run under its cover. “The old fashioned way.”

She smiled at him and he could tell the drugs were kicking in. He kissed her forehead as the nurses rolled her out of the room.

“I love you, Spike,” she mumbled as she zoned out.

“Spike. She loves Spike.” Angel had to remind himself that she was not his anymore.

He turned and walked toward the waiting room where he would sit for the next few hours.
*******************************************************
Spike turned on his side and put his hand out expecting to feel Buffy cuddle up against him. He felt the empty mattress instead. He sat up and looked around the room. Seeing the note next to the alarm clock he grabbed it and let out a growl when he finished reading it.

“Buffy, you knew I wouldn’t be able to get you in desert didn’t you, pet?” He let out a sigh and put the note down. He guessed he’d have nothing else to do but trust her in this. He turned on the bed, grabbed her pillow and tucked it behind his head. If he couldn’t sleep next to her, he’d at least make sure her scent was close by.
********************************************************
Two hours had come and gone and still Angel sat in that awful waiting room. He had been waiting patiently but now his patient was starting to wear thin. He couldn’t stand having no control over Buffy’s well-being. He’d always protected her, even when she didn’t want him to. Even after he’d moved to L.A. he’d kept tabs on her. He always kept close because he’d always loved her and he hoped she would always love him, even now he hoped that she still loved him.

Angel stood up and was ready to begin pacing when he noticed the frowns his fellow “waiters” gave him. He made them nervous. Tall, dark, dressed in black, brooding and pacing back and forth in a tiny waiting room made him look like the predator that he was. He smiled awkwardly at the older man sitting next to him then noticed Buffy’s doctor

walking toward him.

“Mr. Spike?”

Angel clenched his fists in anger and between gritted teeth said, “No, not Spike, Angel.”

“Sorry. Are you here with Ms. Summers?”

“Yes.”

“Sorry about the confusion. She’s been asking for Spike all along.”

“How is she?” Angel ignored the doctor’s comment and changed the subject.

“She’s okay. A little groggy but coming along fine. Surprisingly well, actually. She’s a fast healer.”

Angel smiled. Slayer healing always threw the doctors for a loop. “Can I see her? Do you know what it was, what was wrong I mean?”

“You can see her. We are going to start tests on the tumor now. We won’t have a conclusive answer for a while and once we do, we’ll want to speak with Ms. Summers privately.”

“I understand.” Angel nodded his head then turned to find Buffy’s room.

“Don’t you want to know which one’s her room?” The doctor called after him.

“I’ll find it.” He knew Buffy’s scent. He’d never forget it.

Chapter 6

He found her lying on the bed, still wearing her hospital gown. She was looking out the window deep in thought. Seeing her in those pigtails, looking so young and frail, he had to fight the urge to hold her in his arms again. She sensed him right away and turned to look at him. A smile spread across her face.

“Angel, hi!” She extended her arms to hug him, and right away he knew she’d been given pain killers.

He walked over to her and gave her a half hug, hearing her let out an ‘mmm’ in his ear. This caused him to push away as fast as possible. She wasn’t his and he couldn’t take advantage of her in this state. “How are you?”

“Good. I think I’ve been drugged, you know, for the pain. Oh and I really miss my Spikey-poo. Wish he were here. You can’t say anything about this to him ‘kay? Promise.”
He took her hand in his. “I promise.”

She smiled and let out a big sigh, resting her head back down on her pillow. “It’s funny, you know.”

“What is?”

“This. I mean me, getting a tumor just when I started wanting to live.” She laughed, hard and a bit maniacally.

“I mean, if this had happened a year ago I would have welcomed it. I would have welcomed it because I was ready
to die.” She looked at him and he saw the tears she was struggling to hold back.

He held her hand tighter. “Buffy, we don’t know anything yet.”

She smiled at him and patted his hand. “I know.”

He hated that smile. Her brave little soldier smile. She’d worn it the whole time he’d known her, in fact, he’d been the only one to have seen her real smile. He was sure Spike was the only one who saw it now. “Don’t do that. Don’t give me the slayer smile. I’m not Giles or one of your friends. It’s me, Angel, and I deserve better than that.”

Her chin started to quiver. “It’s not fair.” She whispered the words, as if it were a crime for the Slayer to say that out loud.

“I know. But remember, we don’t know anything yet.”
“Angel, maybe this is payback. You know, for not having been thankful.”

He shook his head at her, feeling his body weighed down by sadness.

“You don’t know. When I came back, when Willow brought me back, I’d have given anything to die again.”
He felt a lump in his throat as he swallowed down his tears. She wanted to tell him what she’d gone through. This time he’d force himself to listen. She needed him to know, so for her sake he’d listen.

“I went back to the tower that night. I tried to jump, to go back –but Dawn didn’t let me.”

“Buffy-“He didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t want to watch her relive the pain; he especially didn’t want to hear about how Spike saved her life.

“Please, Angel.”

The first time she tried to tell him he roared out at her in anger. She had gone back to find him in L.A., to make amends after the way they’d parted the last time they’d seen each other. He left her again, walked away. She had tried to explain how she felt to him but he wouldn’t listen. He hadn’t wanted to hear about how Spike had taken advantage of her and bedded her for his own selfish reasons. He yelled at her for letting her guard down and told her he never wanted to see her again. Until now; until he heard about her relationship with Spike. He’d come to see for himself and in seeing her again all of his old feelings had returned. Now he sat helpless in her hospital room, unable to help her. He was powerless to cure her and witnessing the strength of her feelings for Spike.

“Angel? Where’d you go?”

He gave her a small smile and said, “Nowhere. Go on.”
A look of determination appeared on her face. “Angel, I just started enjoying being alive. This can’t happen.”
If he looked hard enough, deep enough, he could still see the scared little girl from a moment ago.

“I love him. I didn’t think I did at first. I was scared that I was using him because he was the only one who made me feel.”

Angel tried not to frown as he thought about how Spike had made Buffy feel and the methods he’d used to do so.

“And then there was the thing, before I died.” she went on. He winced at the mere thought of what he knew she meant by “the thing”, Spike’s attempt to rape her.
“But that’s what made him go and get his soul, Angel. He realized what he had done. He wanted to be the man I needed him to be, the man I needed him to be, and so he went to find his soul- for me. I found him you know, alone in the basement, prisoner to the memories of the horrible things he did.”

It amazed Angel how she managed to look so sad for a monster like Spike, but had so much difficulty expressing sadness for herself.

“He came back, though,” she said this with a smile. “He came back to me and he stood by me when no one else would. He made me believe in myself and I love him.”
She had a dreamy look in her eyes and he knew she was lost to him. There was no way to compete against Spike for her love, he had to let her go.

She turned serious and her chin began to quiver and he had to hold back from wanting to embrace her and shower her with comforting kisses. “I don’t know what to do,” she told him.

“Dawn, poor Dawn, she can’t lose anyone else. She lost too many people already. She’s angry and detached. I caught her stealing from The Magic Box! We just started reconnecting.” She lost control. Her entire body began to shake as the tears streamed down her face. She struggled for air as her emotions didn’t allow her to breathe.
Angel couldn’t stand to see her in so much pain. He wrapped her in his arms and allowed her to clutch him tightly as if she were drowning and he was her only hope of surviving. She placed her head on his shoulder and he gently ran his hand up and down her back as she shook in his arms. He closed his eyes and took in her scent. This was what he had wanted all along. From the moment he laid eyes on her, he had wanted to feel her in his arms. His entire body hummed with happiness as she allowed him to envelop her.

She finally stopped shaking but continued to hold on to him. Occasionally he would feel her take in a small gasp of air and then she’d calm down again. After what seemed like a long time, he pulled away and looked into her eyes.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded. Feeling a little more daring, he came closer to her face, his lips almost touching hers, his forehead against hers. “Buffy…”

Her response was to lean her mouth onto his and place her hands on the back of his head to make sure he wouldn’t pull away. He had no intention of doing that, this was what he had wanted all along. He let his hands run through her hair feeling it’s silkiness through his fingers. She allowed his tongue inside her mouth and his eyes closed as he made sure to enjoy every moment of having her back in his arms. After some time she pulled away and rested her chin on his shoulder, her arms wrapped around him.

“Angel,” she sighed.

“Mm?”

This was perfection. It was back to the way it had once been between them. Unfortunately the door swung open. Buffy opened her eyes wide but didn’t move away.

“Spike,” she breathed out.

Chapter 7

“Well, I see that Captain Forehead didn’t waste any time putting the moves on my girl.” Spike let out a growl and was on Angel in an instant, ripping him away from his girl and throwing him against the wall before Buffy could blink. In a blur he moved over to Angel and pinned him up against the wall, his hand wrapped around the vampire’s neck.

“Spike!” Buffy screamed. “Stop!”

The blonde vampire looked over to her and saw the despair in her eyes. He was angry at her for what she’d done but he couldn’t stand disappointing her. “Keep your paws off of her,” he growled before letting his grandsire go.
He watched as the wanker walked over to the chair by her bed and sat down leaning back in his chair and making himself comfortable as if he belonged there.

“How did you know I was here?” Buffy’s voice was soft, almost a whisper.

“It appears that Angel’s girlfriend is quite the chatterbox. ‘Specially when receiving compliments.”

“Cordy,” Angel muttered under his breath.

“Cordelia?” Buffy looked at Angel with an arched brow.

He knew that look. She thought he’d kept something from her, like the fact that Cordelia was his girlfriend. She wasn’t. He shook his head at her to let her know Spike was talking through his ass.

“She called to see how Angel was doing and wanted to know if he had “made it” with you or if you were too sick to do it. Apparently my Slayer has something more serious than the flu.” He looked on at her accusingly.

His face was hard. He was angry and hurt and wanted badly to make Angel pay. He didn’t know what to think of her behavior. He felt betrayed by her. He decided to push his feelings down and deal with the more pressing matter, her health. Her feelings toward him and the reason for her decision would have to wait. He looked at her sitting on the bed, her eyes fixed on his, wearing a hospital gown and pigtails. Her eyes and face were red from what must have been a lot of crying. He looked over at Angel, then back at her. Why had she chosen his grandsire to trust with whatever it was she was dealing with? Why not him? Hadn’t she given herself entirely just one day ago? He shook his head, forcing himself to deal with the present and leave those questions for later.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” Buffy’s voice was stronger when she answered his question as if she’d read his mind.

“You were such a mess the first time I- I didn’t want to worry you until I knew. I wanted to keep you safe.”

He walked over to her with urgency and sat on the bed. Taking her hand in his he said, “This is serious then?”

She could see the worry in his eyes as he looked intently into hers and held her hand firmly. “I don’t know yet. We’ll find out soon. They’re doing tests on the tumor they removed from the back of my neck.” She was serious and firm as she told him. Her emotions were in check making Angel feel like gloating a little. It made him happy to know that he was the one she trusted with her feelings.

Spike’s hand touched Buffy’s cheek. “Baby.”

She looked deep into his eyes, it was a look that worried Angel because he’d never seen it before. As he continued to watch the couple he understood why. This look was only for Spike. They remained looking at each other for what seemed like an eternity and Angel felt awkward watching them, but found it impossible to look away.

“Mine,” Spike whispered to her. She nodded her head in agreement.

He took her in his arms and she allowed him to. Angel looked at her and watched as her eyes closed. When Spike moved his mouth to her neck, Angel’s eyes widened in shock. He watched as Spike lingered there, taking in her scent and softly licking the mark he had so recently placed on her. Would she let him take her blood right here in the hospital? He wouldn’t get the chance to find out. The door swung open and Buffy’s doctor walked in.

“Ms. Summers, Angel.” He nodded as Spike and Buffy quickly separated and straightened out.

The doctor looked Spike over from head to toe. “You must be Spike.”

Spike eyed the doctor maliciously and said, “Yeah, what of it?”

“I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Spike allowed a smile to spread over his face, happy to know his slayer hadn’t entirely abandoned him. Buffy gave Angel a quizzical look and he smiled because she didn’t remember having asked for Spike under her anesthetic.

“If you gentlemen will excuse me,” the doctor continued.

“I need to speak with Ms. Summers privately.”

Angel gave Buffy a look while Spike tightened his grip on her hand, each vampire asking her to let him stay in his own way. She sighed and gave each of them a look.

“Can I have a minute? I need to hear this on my own.”

“Understood.” Angel nodded, respecting her decision even if he didn’t like it.

Spike looked at Buffy and tilted his head to the side. She smiled at him and nodded. He gave her a kiss on her forehead and another one on her cheek, then stood up and left the room. Angel watched in amazement. He could not understand how the two had come to this silent communication.The blood. It hurt him to know he would never have that level of communication with her. Yes, he’d tasted her blood, but it had been against his will, not the same as what she had shared with Spike. Their relationship had failed because of their lack of communication. They had never been able to really understand each other. It hurt him all the more to know she had so much control over Spike. That their love for each other had become so strong that he had let himself be tamed by her.

Angel gave her one last look and she gave him an understanding smile, as if she understood his pain and silently apologized for causing it. He smiled back at her and left the room shutting the door behind him.

“Well, Ms. Summers, you are certainly a girl with many doting friends.” The doctor walked over to the only other chair in the room and sat down.

“Please, doctor, give me the news.”

He looked at her and nodded. This woman looked small and vulnerable, but something told him there was much more to her than her appearance. He had seen scars on her neck and upper body; it looked as though she had withstood a lot. She had gotten over the surgery surprisingly fast and he noticed that her bandages were no longer bleeding. This woman was different, he sensed that. He knew she could handle what he had to tell her.

“Ms. Summers, I usually take a little longer to do this, but I’m going to be honest with you. I get the feeling that you can handle it.” She nodded at him and took a deep breath. “Ms. Summers, you do not have cancer.”

“What? Say that again, please?”

“You don’t have cancer. However-“

“There it is.” There had to be something else.

“However, because you’re mother had cancer and because we’ve found this tumor, you are at high risk for getting cancer.”

Buffy slumped down on the bed. There would always be something in her life, things would never be perfect.

“This means you will have regular checkups. But for now, Ms. Summers, you are quite healthy, extraordinarily healthy, in fact. Would you like to go ahead and tell those gentlemen out there that they have nothing to worry about?”

They were suddenly interrupted by a body flying in through the door. Buffy screamed as she watched Angel crash into the wall.

“NO!” she screamed when she saw Spike stalk in after him, his game face on.

“I told you, you’ve overstayed your welcome. It’s time to go home to L.A. now, grandsire.”

Buffy covered her mouth and shook her head in disbelief. She watched the doctor run out of the room screaming when Angel’s face changed and he jumped at Spike.

“No!” she screamed again.
Both vampires stopped and looked at the woman they loved as she stared at them in disbelief. “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you get along? Why can’t you get along now when I need you the most? All you had to do was get along!”

“Buffy,” Angel took a step toward her at the same time

Spike said, “Pet,” and extended his hand out for her to take.

She swatted it away. “Don’t touch me. Leave me alone!” She shook her head at them in disappointment then ran out the door. She was barefoot and still wearing her hospital gown.

“Now look what you’ve done!” Spike yelled at Angel.

“Me? You threw the first punch! You don’t even trust her.”

“No. I trust Buffy. It’s you I’m worried about. You’ve never been able to let her go. You left her to face the world feeling empty and alone. Told her it was for her own good, that she needed to move on, but you never did let go did you?”

“This is useless.” Angel wanted to tell Spike about the kiss he’d shared with her earlier, but he couldn’t do that to Buffy, especially not now. “I’m leaving.”

“Good.” Spike smiled triumphantly then turned around and walked out in search of Buffy.

Angel waited until the vampire left before he took Buffy’s discarded clothes and left the hospital.

________________________________________
Chapter 8
He found her exactly where he thought he would, in his
old mansion. She sat by the fireplace, staring at it
while deep in thought. She rubbed her arms in a failed
attempt to get warm. The moment she heard him she
looked up. She noticed the way his coat was smoking and
furrowed her brows.

"You need to be more careful. You should have waited
until sundown to find me."

He shook his head no as he leant over and gave her back
her clothes, then settled on the floor in front of her. She smiled at him.

"Thanks. Turn around," she ordered him.

He did as he was told. "Uh, Buffy? I'm sorry about earlier.”

"Angel…"

He turned around thinking she was done and swallowed hard at what he saw. She was putting her jeans on, her back facing him. He couldn't move his eyes away from her gorgeous bottom as she leant forward to get her legs in the pants. The motion of leaning forward made her bottom push back toward him and he wanted nothing more than to walk up to her and wrap his arms around her waist in order to feel her against him. He almost drooled as he watched her unlace the tie on her hospital gown and let it slide to the floor. He fought the urge to turn her around and admire her breasts as he watched her back wiggle into a tight t-shirt. He frowned when he saw the many small scars that crossed each other on her back and almost sighed when she took her pigtails off and shook her head to loosen her hair. He quickly turned back around at the same time she turned to face him.

"Okay, you can look."

Her t-shirt was extremely tight and her nipples pressed hard against the material. Her jeans were low on her waist and he could see a small amount of her flat, toned stomach. She was driving him crazy. Buffy smiled at him as he stared at her completely unaware of the thoughts that were running through his mind. She took a seat on the floor where she had been in front of the fireplace.

"Here," he said, "I think I might have left a lighter around somewhere."

She nodded at him as she rubbed her arms again. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around her.

"Thanks." She smiled up at him. "I think Spike's only let me wear his duster once and that's because I won it in a game of pool."

He looked at her and nodded as he leant over the fireplace and tried to get a fire started. He didn't really care about Spike or his leather duster. She grabbed his arm to get his attention.

"He loves me." He looked at her and nodded then sat back down across from her. "That's why he's so protective, so jealous, he wants everyone to know I'm his. I have his mark on me." She leaned her head to the side in order to show him Spike's bite marks on the left side of her neck.

"Buffy, don't." He covered her marks with his hand. She shivered slightly at his touch.

"They were mine once," he whispered bringing back memories of how she'd let him drink her once. Now Spike had covered them with his own.

"They're still there." She was talking about her feelings for him, not his previous bite marks. Angel nodded and traced two fingers lightly over the marks. She relaxed under his soft touch and allowed him to keep his fingers in place.

“And the one from today?” he asked her softly and in her ear.

Feeling her entire body warm up from his gentle touch and soft whispers Buffy brought her head down as he crawled behind her to inspect her newest scar. He pushed her hair to the side and ran his fingers around the incision that the doctor had made into the back of her neck.

“It’s almost healed.” She lifted her head to look at him. “Angel.” She turned her body around so that she was standing on all fours, her face dangerously close to his.

“Buffy,” he whispered back.

They went for each other’s mouths simultaneously, unable to contain themselves any longer. Angel allowed himself to give in to his desire. “mmm.” She moaned and moved to sit on his lap, her legs wrapped around his waist all the while never removing her lips from his. He placed his hands on her back and she did not
struggle as he pulled her toward him and laid them back onto the floor. He allowed his hands to tuck her t-shirt up and roam her bare back. He moaned at the warmth and silkiness of her skin. The last time he’d felt a warm body on his had been more than two years ago.

Buffy let her hands roam through Angel’s hair then she moved them to his shoulders and pushed him up and over so that he was on top of her. She deftly worked to remove his shirt and he pulled away from her in order to pull it off. His lips were on her mouth again and she let her hands come around his back to feel his strong muscles.

She enjoyed the feeling of his body on hers. His muscles were larger than Spike’s and his shoulders wider. He engulfed her completely as he rained kisses softly all along her neck and into her ear.

“Buffy,” he gasped, “I missed this.”

She took it all in with eyes closed and guard down, breathing deeply as she felt his hand slip under her shirt and cup her breast. Buffy felt her heart tighten and ache, making her open her eyes and watch as Angel gently caressed her nipples. She was no longer aroused, her thoughts were focused on the strangeness she was feeling in her heart and the melancholic feeling that had suddenly come over her.

Why am I feeling this? She closed her eyes just as Angel’s lips came down on hers again. She kissed him back and he didn’t notice she was not fully there with him. She struggled to understand the feelings that were taking her over when all of a sudden she mumbled,

“Spike.”

“Uh uh,” Angel answered between kisses, “Angel.”

“No.” She sat up and pushed him off her. “Spike. I can feel him.”

“Oh.”

“Angel,” her voice was sympathetic. She watched him look at her with passion in his eyes. He sat on his knees, bare chested, his muscles were so large.

“I know,” he said, responding to the look of sadness in her eyes. “We can’t do this.”

She shook her head at him and extended her hand out to touch his cheek. He placed his hand over hers as he looked at her with sadness and regret in his eyes.

“I love you,” she told him. He nodded then took her hand away and stood up, helping her to her feet as he did so. “He needs me. He’s alone and scared I might have left him. He thinks I’m angry because of what happened but he’s angry too. Because I chose you over him. I love him. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows how to find me when I get lost inside of myself and you know that’s hard to do. No one knows that better than you, Angel.”

“You love him.” Angel said.

“Yes. We connect in this way, this amazing way that almost scares me.”

“Like just now?”

She saw the pain in his face and regretted having gone on about her love for Spike. “Angel,”

“I get it. You love me but it’s not the same, not enough, not anymore.”

“Where was this going to go? Things are still the same between us. We still have a calling. We each have a purpose and it carries on different paths.”
Angel nodded at her in agreement.

“Plus the whole thing with you losing your soul if you have one moment of happiness thing,” she added with a smile.

“Buffy, I came because I needed to know that you were okay. I felt horrible about the way things had ended between us the last time. I heard about you and Spike and I had to see for myself that he was being good to you. When I saw you all of my old feelings came back. I was so overwhelmed by you that I didn’t see how deep your love for Spike is. You change each other for the better. You feel each other and you understand each other without needed to speak. Buffy, you and I can never have that.”

She smiled at him. “What we had was good. I would not trade the time we spent together for the world. Those feelings came back to me when I saw you too, but I need Spike. My body and my heart ache for him. I can’t explain how I feel.”

“I understand.” He took a step toward her, placed his hand on her cheek one last time and watched as she closed her eyes and allowed him this last goodbye. “Go to him,” he whispered.

She hugged him then, tightly. “I do love you, Angel.”

“I love you too, Buffy.” He watched as the only woman he had loved with his entire soul turn and walk out of his life forever. He let out a deep sigh and sat back down to watch the flames in the fireplace burn. If his heart could still beat he knew it’d be breaking right now.

Chapter 10

She walked out of the mansion and closed her eyes taking a deep breath to calm her emotions and concentrate on her senses. She felt his pain in her heart again, that same tightness that had overwhelmed her just moments before. Buffy shook her head and tried to wipe the memory of she and Angel lying on the floor in front of the fireplace from her mind. She was overwhelmed by guilt but she quickly dispelled it and went back to concentrating on her connection to Spike. She felt his loneliness, his sadness.
**** *** *** ***

Spike couldn’t live without her. Without Buffy there would be no purpose to his life. She made him want to be a better man, a living man. If she was no longer with him he would become a monster again, and that was something he no longer wanted to be. He was convinced now that she had made her choice; Angel was the man for her, she’d just been using him to get over her pain. He’d seen their connection in the hospital and it angered him that she had chosen him to confide in, but then she’d always loved him. He knew there was no competing with first love. There was nothing left for him to do; he couldn't fight for her anymore, he wouldn't do it.

Spike was a dangerous animal and falling in love with Buffy hadn't changed that. He was still a soulless monster that if found cornered would fight back no questions asked. This was especially true now that he had lost his only hope to become more man than monster.
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Buffy found herself so consumed by his emotions that she had to reach out in order to find a place to sit and get a hold of herself. She didn't want to open her eyes again for fear of losing her connection to him. She was determined to find out where he was.
No matter how hard she tried she couldn't figure out where he was. She could only feel his emotions. Just as she was about to give up hope and open her eyes she felt as though she were touching a cold, hard stone. Her eyes shot open, she stood up and marched away to find her lover.

She found him in the cemetery staring at what had been her gravestone. He was quiet, deep in thought, one hand on the top of the stone, his eyes downcast looking at the ground where her body had once laid. Fighting the shiver that ran through her at the site of her own grave, she quietly walked over to stand next to him.

“We really should get rid of this,” she told him.

He turned to look at her. “Buffy,” it was barely a whisper.

Looking into his eyes for the first time she was floored by the agony she found in them. It took all that she had in her not to take him in her arms. She knew that if she tried he would fight her off. It wasn’t only agony that he was feeling; there was also anger, a lot of it. Spike felt she had betrayed him and she knew that she had.

“Came here every day after you…” He still couldn’t say it. The pain of it was still fresh in his heart even after all this time. “I loved you even then. I thought I’d lost you and I didn’t know how I would live without you.”

She tried to take his hand but he pulled it away when he felt it brush against his own.

“Then you came back. You shouldn’t have, but you did, and we found our way didn’t we Buffy? We found our way to each other.”

She nodded at him, her eyes full of tears she refused to let go. He wouldn’t want to see her remorse right now, this wasn’t about her. If he saw her cry he’d forget about his anger. She’d been wrong in what she did with Angel and he deserved to let her know how he felt.

“I can smell him on you,” he snorted angrily, “all over you.”

She looked at him, let him know she was listening but she had to look down. The anger in his eyes was enough to burn her alive. He wouldn’t have it, he placed his hand under her chin and made her look at him.

“Why?”

Again she struggled against her tears. She had been so wrong to have hurt him like this. “I was stupid.”
He took his hand away and let out a sarcastic laugh as he turned away from her.

“Spike!” she called out, desperation filling her heart. She grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around.

“I was scared and confused, I thought I was going to die and-“

“And you couldn’t talk to me, couldn’t trust me. I wasn’t enough.”

“I didn’t want to worry you when there was no reason to worry yet.”

He laughed that awful sarcastic laugh again. “Didn’t want to hurt me. I’m afraid it all blew up in your face, didn’t it pet?”

“Spike-“

“You came back. You came back and I had a reason for being here. When you came back to me I stopped feeling like the monster I am.”

Her tears broke free. She couldn’t fight them anymore and she shook her head as she said,

“You’re not a monster, Spike.”

She took his hand and placed it over her heart so that he could feel it beating. “For you,” she whispered.
He cocked his head to the side and looked at her.

“It beats for you.” She gave him a small smile.

“Buffy,” he wanted her to stop talking because he needed to stay angry at her and she was beginning to melt his dead heart.

“How could a monster make my heart beat only for him? I did a horrible thing. Selfish and heartless but in doing it I realized something – you are my reason for living.”

He wiped her tears away as his trailed down his cheeks.
“You brought me back from hell. The hell I was in when they pulled me back here. You listened to my despair and held my hand through my nightmares.” She placed her hand on her neck and whispered, “You made me yours.”

“What about Angel? You can’t go running to him whenever you can’t talk to me about something.” He wouldn’t give into her, not this time; he wouldn’t be love’s bitch anymore.

“Angel’s gone. He’s in L.A. where he belongs. Spike, this thing between you and he and I, it made me realize that you’re the one. I’m sorry for how I behaved, for what I did, but in a way it was Angel who led me back to you.”

Spike scoffed but placed his hand over hers. She saw that his anger had lessened and she could see his love for her again.

“I love you, Spike. I’m yours.”

He choked out her name and pulled her to him his lips gently grazing hers and she wrapped her arms around him but when her kisses became deeper and hungrier he had to pull away.

“I love you, Buffy Summers. What I feel for you is more than love, I live for you, you are everything to me and…”

She pulled herself back into him and wrapped her arms around his neck and whispering, “I’m yours.” into his ear.

He moaned, all of his resolve now broken. “You’ll be the end of me.”

She smiled at him and said, “Let’s go home to bed.”

“One thing first, Buffy.” She cringed at his use of her name, she thought it was going to be okay between them.

“Are you okay? I mean, will this be our last?”
She placed her finger over his mouth. “I’m okay Spike, cancer free. We have a very long time ahead of us.”
He nodded and wrapped his arm around her waist. “Let’s go home to bed then. Oh, and Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

“Next time I’ll kill him. He tries to lay one hand on you while you’re down and I’ll personally make sure he’s dust.”

“You are such a romantic.” She laid her head on his shoulder, a huge smile on her face as they walked arm in arm away from the cemetery and toward their home.
They were so wrapped up in each other that they missed the dark figure standing behind a tombstone behind them. “Soon,” it whispered. “very soon, slayer…”