~I've had to think of a way to survive since you said it's over told me good-bye
I just can't make it one day without you Unless I pretend that the opposites true
Rivers flow backwards
Valleys are high
Mountains are level
Truth is a lie
I'm perflectly fine
and I don't miss you
The sky is green and The grass is blue...~



"Dawn!! Dawn, open the doo--"

The door swung open causing the petite blonde to lose her balance and pitch forward. Luckily the bags she was carrying broke her fall. She pulled herself up casting a menacing glare at her snickering sister.

"It's not funny."

Dawn couldn't stifle it any longer, wrapping her arms around herself as she laughed hysterically.

"Yeah, it so was. I mean, you should have seen your face!" She was still chuckling as she followed her livid sister to the counter.

"Well, we'll see how funny it is when you eat your squished lunch."

The smile instantly dropped from her face and she started digging through the bags in search of her requested order.

"Yeah, who's laughing now?" Buffy chuckled as she turned the sign around on the Gallery door, marking them out to lunch.

"Me, because it was your food that got smooshed." Dawn stated with a triumphant smile.

"Damn it."

Buffy trudged over and began picking through her salad, wishing for a bite of the spaghetti Dawn was wolfing down.

"So-" Dawn swallowed what was in her mouth. "What are you doing tonight?"

Buffy gave her a look.

"What I do everynight."

Dawn sighed and dropped her fork.

"Buffy. You have to get over this. I mean, don't you want to show Spi--"

"Stop."

Dawn's words died on her tongue at the sound of her sister's voice. The anger that was there was nothing compared to the pain. If that bastard ever showed his face in Sunnydale again...

"I'm sorry."

Buffy picked up her lunch and dropped it in the trash, just the sight of it turning her stomach.

"It's okay. I just don't want to talk about it, alright?"

She walked into the back not even waiting for an answer.

"Alright."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy sat on the couch, flipping through the channels.

She glanced at the clock, hoping Dawn would come home soon. She hated being alone.

Because when she was alone her mind wandered.

To him.

She shook her head and began changing the channels again before coming to a stop at something familiar.

Monty Python. She sat back and snickered, getting caught up in the show.

She turned to make a comment and her smile fell when he wasn't there.

But he was never there, he hadn't been in almost two years.

But sometimes, she can feel him, hears his laugh or feels his touch.

And she remembers.

Begging him to stay. Pleading with him, chasing his car as he drove away.

And she hates him.

But then, how can you hate someone and love them at the same time?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: Song is "The Grass is Blue" by Dolly Parton

~How much can a heart and a troubled mind take
Where is that fine line before it all breaks
Can one end their sorrow just cross over it
and into that relm of insantive bliss
There's snow in the tropics
There's ice on the sun
It's hot in the Artic and crying is fun
and I'm happy now and I'm glad we're through
The sky is green and The grass is blue~



"Spike..."

Buffy thrashed in her sleep, knocking a book off the bedside table.

"Please don't..."

The door opened and Dawn came through making her way to her sister. She sat on the bed and softly shook Buffy's shoulder, dodging when her arm flew out.

"Please don't leave me!"

Instant tears came to Dawn's eyes and she tried even harder to wake her up.

"Buffy!" She shook her hard and nearly fell off the bed when Buffy shot up with a scream.

"Spike!"

Buffy looked wildy around the room, panting and searching for him, and Dawn knew the exact moment reality hit her. Her face crumbled and tears flowed like a faucet.

Dawn wrapped her arms around her and held her while sobs wracked her tiny body. She felt sorry for her sister, knowing how much love she held for Spike.

And she could only hope that one day someone loved her that much.

Buffy finally pulled away even though the tears still coursed down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Dawnie."

Dawn shook her head and wiped at the tears on Buffy's face.

"No. There's nothing to be sorry for."

"I hate this. I hate it because I can't hate him."

Dawn laid back against the pillows and Buffy rested her head on her shoulder.

"Why? Why can't I hate him, Dawnie? If I hated him it wouldn't matter. I wouldn't feel like this."

Dawn sighed and stroked Buffy's hair.

"I don't know what to tell you. But I do know one thing. There is someone out there for you, Buffy. I know you thought it was Spike, but--"

Buffy raised her head and regarded her sister with steely determination in her eyes.

"No. There is no one out there for me."

"Buff-"

"No. I don't want anyone else." Her voice broke, "But I don't want him either."

"What?"

Buffy smiled a teary smile at her and shook her head.

"I can't do it again, Dawn. I'm barely making it now, I can't risk my heart again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So Buffy, Connor's brother is back from Harvard." Dawn straightened the painting she was hanging, shooting a glance to where Buffy was opening a new shipment.

"So?"

"Harvard Law. He's already made partner at some big law firm in L.A."

Buffy sighed and pushed the hair out of her eyes.

"Dawn, what just exactly is your point?"

Dawn shrugged her shoulders and turned back to the painting.

"I just thought you might be interested."

Buffy through the hammer down on top of the crate and put her hands on her hips.

"Dawn, I told you last night. I am not interested in anyone. Ever. Again. Got it?"

"Geez, calm down."

The bell above the front door jingled and Buffy looked over at Dawn standing on the ladder. Dawn pointed to the ladder and gave Buffy a sweet smile.

"Fine. This damn crate wasn't gonna open anyway."

She walked through the doorway, brushing her hands off on her jeans.

"Hi. Can I help--"

She looked up and stopped mid-stride, her breath quickening and a small tremble in her lips.

"You."

"Hello, Love."

~The rivers flow backwards and my tears are dry
Swans hate the water and Eagles can't fly
but I'm alright now that I'm over you
and The sky is green and The grass is blue~

~I don't love you and The grass is blue~




She couldn't breath. She had drowned.

All those emotions, those feelings had come flooding back.

His beautiful face, the one that haunted her dreams, was only a couple of feet away from her. He looked exactly the same as he had the day he had stolen her heart. His hair was the same, eyes still as blue as the stormy ocean, and his lips were still full. Lips that had kissed her and spoke of his love for her.

The same lips that had said goodbye.

And then, she didn't see him anymore.

She saw tail lights.

"Buffy?"

He took a step closer to her, unable to resist. He had to touch her again, it had been too long.

She was even more beautiful than before, but there was something different about her.

"Love?" He reached a hand toward her and flinched when she jerked away like it was fire.

And when she brought the green eyes he dreamed about for two years up to stare into his, he sucked in a shuddery breath.

"Get Out."

The words were whispered, but they slammed into him like a Mac truck.

Her breathing was erratic and her teeth were bared, her hands shaking as the clenched into fists.

"Get Out!"

His lip trembled and tears came to his eyes. He reached out for her again.

"Buffy, plea--"

She ran forward and shoved him with all her might, pushing him toward the door. She was sobbing hysterically and her once whispered words were now screams.

"Get the fuck out!! Get out!!"

She shoved him out the door and onto the sidewalk, where he justed stared at her crying tears of his own.

"Stay the fuck away from me, you son of a bitch."

She slammed the door and locked it, turning the lights off so he wouldn't see her hit the floor.

But he heard her sobs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dawn stood in the darkness watching the man squalling on the pavement and listening to her sisters cries.

He had come back.

But then, a part of her always knew he would. She didn't tell Buffy that, not wanting to get her hopes up in case she was wrong. But somewhere along the line, it seemed as though Buffy had changed her mind.

She didn't want him back anymore, and it was her burden to be in love with him.

She had shunned other men, she didn't want anyone but Spike and then she didn't even want him.

She watched him crawl to the window, pressing his hands and cheek at the exact spot Buffy was resting against it on the other side. Of course, he couldn't see her, the window had a mirror tint on it.

But it was almost like he could feel her there.

Dawn walked over and sat down beside Buffy, pulling her into a gentle embrace.

She wasn't sure but she thought she could hear Spike saying something against the glass.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Dawn turned around Spike was gone.

She didn't know how long they had sat there, but Buffy had cried herself into a fitful sleep.

"Buffy. Wakey, wakey."

Her eyes snapped open and Dawn watched the pain invade them.

"Tell me I was dreaming."

Dawn shook her head and helped her to stand.

"No. No dream."

Buffy looked toward the window before letting her gaze fall to her shoes.

"Where'd he go?"

Dawn made sure everything was locked before leading Buffy to the car that was parked at the side door in the alley.

"I don't know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Barkeep! Another."

Spike pointed to his empty glass and watched as the rich, amber liquid spilled into it.

"Thanks, mate."

Spike downed it in one swallow, fighting back the urge to gag.

He threw some bills on the bar and made his way toward the door, his step a bit slower since it felt like he was walking on water.

Why was he so stupid?

It was a question he had asked himself for almost two years. Why did he leave her?

The only thing he could think of was he was scared.

Scared of what loving her meant.

His dad had loved his mum and that didn't stop her from leaving. And his dad told him to let nothing interfere with his dreams, to trust him, he knew what he was talking about.

So he left her in search of his dreams, only realizing a year later that SHE was his dream.

He had worked as hard as hell to get to graduate early, planning on finishing his studies at Sunnydale, so he could get back to her.

Everyday he cursed himself for leaving.

But he saw the pain his dad was in and it scared him. He knew Buffy could do that to him, so he had left, breaking their relationship and her heart.

He loved her, it was amazing how he grew in love with her when he hadn't seen her in two years.

He knew he had made a mistake when he left her, he was just to young and stubborn to realize it at the time.

And he was paying for it.

And when he stopped at the tree in her yard, gazing up to her dark window, he knew it was only the beginning.

~*It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I plead
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads*~


Two years earlier


"Why are you doing this?" Buffy cried as she watched him walk down the drive toward his car.

"I have to Buffy." He didn't turn around as he spoke, knowing if he looked at her face he would crumble.

She jumped off the porch and ran down the driveway, grabbing his arm and turning him to face her. He looked straight ahead, not looking at her face.

"Spike. Spike, look at me! Please! Please..."

She jerked on his arm as she sobbed, shaking and pleading with him.

He finally looked down at her his tears hitting the pavement along with hers.

"Why? Please, just tell me why?"

He could barely make out what she said, her voice was heavy and thick with tears.

"I'm not ready for this, Buffy."

She shook her head and gripped his arms tighter, trying to understand what he was saying.

"What? What are you not ready for?"

"I'm almost twenty years old, Buffy and you're still in high school. It's not gonna work."

She shoved and pulled on him, thinking that maybe she could shake it into him.

"Yes it can! It can work!! I love you, Spike." She pulled his face down to hers and looked into his eyes. "I love you."

He screwed his eyes shut and pulled her to him.

The kiss was hard and angry, but it was full of love.

He pulled his face away and clutched her to him, burying his face in her hair.

"I love you, Buffy. Don't ever forget it."

"If you love me, why are you leaving?"

Her lips were trembling and she clutched him tighter never wanting to let go.

~*It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away*~


"If I don't, I'll regret it the rest of my life."

She shoved him away from her, his words like a slap in the face.

"But you won't regret leaving me."

The anger she felt dried her tears and she stared at him with disgust.

"I might. I probably will. But I have to know, I have to see for myself."

Her eyes narrowed and her words were poison.

"You selfish, bastard."

He hung his head and took her words, knowing there was truth to them.

"Leave."

His head shot up and he was frozen in the ice from her glare.

"Leave! Get out of my sight."

He reached for her and she jerked away from him.

"Buffy, please don--"

"I said leave! I don't ever want to see you again!!"

Spike knew she would soon attract the attention of the neighbors, so he took one last look at her.

Her whole body was trembling, her hands and her lips. Her hair was golden in the sunlight and her beautiful green eyes were drowned in tears.

She was the most beautful sight he would ever see.

"I do love you, Buffy."

The words were whispered and he didn't know if she heard them or not. He turned and walked to his car, climbing in and slinging it into gear, squealing tires hitting Revello Drive for the last time.

When she watched him back out of the drive way, she knew it was real.

"No! No, I didn't-- Spike, No!!!"

She ran down the driveway and into the street.

"Spike, Please!! I'm sorry!! " she yelled as she ran down the street, her bare feet slapping against the hot pavement.

Through her tears she could just barely make out his tail lights and she ran until she couldn't see them anymore, uncaring of the rocks and glass that cut into the soles of her feet.

She hit a bigger rock and turned her ankle, falling to the pavement without even trying to catch herself, the pain in her body welcome against the pain in her heart.

"Please come back to me. I'm so sorry. Please, please, please..."

~*It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I plead
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years*~


Two sets of feet pounded against the road even harder when she fell and they finally reached her, each grabbing an arm to pull her out of the street.

Dawn looked at her sister, fear and tears mingling in her eyes.

"Mommy, is she gonna be okay?"

Joyce clutched Buffy closer to her, trying to take some of the weight off of her shredded feet.

"She's strong, Dawn."

They finally got Buffy into the house and layed her on the couch. Dawn stayed at her side, while Joyce went to get the medical kit.

She stroked her hair and wiped the tears from her face.

"It's gonna be okay, Sissy."

They patched her feet and covered her with a blanket when she fell asleep.

"Why did he leave?"

Joyce looked at Buffy and then back to Dawn, giving her a small smile.

"He'll be back."




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: song is "It Doesn't Matter" by Alison Krauss

~*Gone are the love songs that only we knew
Robbed by the cold wind that sings the night through*~




When Buffy woke up, reality hit her like a splash of cold water.

He was gone.

How was she supposed to go on? He was her everything.

Everything she had and everything she was, belonged to him.

Why would he leave her? What had she done? She had given him her heart and soul. And she had given him her body.

He was her first and in her eyes, he was her only.

She didn't want anybody else, just the thought of her life without him made her sick.

She couldn't understand. She knew what his mother had done to him and Giles. And she knew that she couldn't do that, not even if she wanted too. She loved him too much.

The age difference hadn't come up in a long time. Sure he was nineteen, but she was fixing to turn eighteen. And she was going to graduate this year.

He talked about all the things he wanted to do, places he wanted to see. But she had thought she would be beside him.

She never thought he would leave her behind.



~*How high will you fly
Without me there to be your sky?*~




"Mr. Giles, care to join us?"

Spike's head jerked up and he gave his professor an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, sir."

The professor nodded and went back to his lecture while Spike went back to California and sparkling green eyes.

He had made a mistake.

But then, he had known that the second he got on the plane. But there was no turning back now.

He had gotten into a good school and figured that his studies would be enough to keep his mind off Buffy.

Boy, was he wrong.

With each breath he took, he thought of her and each moment he slept, he dreamt of her.

He had made a mistake.

One that he fully intended to fix.




~*With your love I was complete
Like a haven safe from harm
Till the bitter stole the sweet
I was perfect in your arms
A precious while I had your smile
Till it all fell apart with one change of heart *~





A year had passed without a single word from Spike.

Buffy walked across the stage and accepted her diploma, leaving her teenage years behind.

And that's where she left him.

She wasn't the same girl that had chased him down the street that day. She was harder and wiser.

He had done something to her, left a shell of what she once had been in his arms.

But what do you expect?

Her heart was with him.



~*Love like a lesson learned when we pass the point of no return
You can't always trust happiness
There in love's steady glow hides the power to hurt us so
You can't always trust happiness*~




When her mother died, he sent her a letter.

She had held it to her chest and cried. She cried for her mother, she cried for Spike, and she cried for herself.

Because when they buried her mother, they buried a part of her as well. And now, Buffy didn't know who she was anymore.

Two out of the three most important things in her life were gone. And the only thing she had was clinging to her hand.

She said goodbye to her mother and goodbye to the life she had been leading, because she was starting a new one.

Her and Dawn.

She didn't need anyone other than Dawn and herself. She didn't need a man and she most definitely didn't want a man.

She would carry the burden of loving Spike, but that was all.

Because she didn't want him anymore.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Songs: "Happiness", "It don't matter now", and "It's over": All by Alison Krauss

Spike walked into his old bedroom and looked around, the past engulfing him.

He looked at his mirror, the pictures of Buffy there starting to curl around the edges. He plucked one from its slot and brought it up for a closer look.

God, she was beautiful.

He had traveled across the world and never did he see anyone who compared to her beauty.

Her hair was shoulder length in the picture, so different from now. He didn't get to see her as long as he would have liked, but just a glimpse was all he needed. Her hair was nearly to her waist, shining like the sun through the clouds. She was no longer the girl that sat on the hood of his car in the photo.

She was so different, he knew it and she had hardly talked to him except to say "Get Out." And he knew it was his fault she was different.

What might have happened if he never left her?

But he knew that if he had never left, he wouldn't have realized how much he truly loved and needed her.

He knew she would never see it that way and he couldn't blame her.

And sometimes he thought that he was no better than his mother. He was worried that Buffy would destroy him, so he destroyed her.

He had dreamt of coming in and sweeping Buffy off her feet, but now he knew he would sooner sweep The Statue of Liberty off her feet before he would Buffy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"I left everything just as you had it."

Spike turned to see his father standing in the doorway. He gave him a small smile, slipping the picture of Buffy into the pocket of his duster.

"Yeah, thanks."

He turned back, gazing at the pictures. He felt Giles walk up beside him and looked over at him. Giles picked up a picture of Spike and Buffy.

Dawn had snapped the picture when they weren't paying attention. Buffy's hands were on his chest and Spike's arms were around her waist, they were staring into the others eyes, lost to anything but each other.

"It's going to be hard, son. You know that."

He looked over and Giles was staring back with soft eyes. He couldn't help the tears that spilled down his cheeks.

"I know."

"Oh, Will. Come here."

Giles pulled Spike to him and held him tightly as he cried.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think she'll take me back?"

Giles pulled back and looked at his son, his eyes filled with hope and fear. He led them over to the bed and urged Spike to sit.

"Here, sit down. I want to tell you something."

Spike held his breath, the fear he felt nearly crippling.

"When your mother left me, everyday was a struggle. Everyday that I woke up and she wasn't beside me, I started-- I started hating her." He looked at Spike and watched his lips tremble. "I hated her because she wasn't there and I hated her because I couldn't hate her at all. If I hated her it wouldn't have mattered. But, I love her and even though she was your mother and she left you too, you can't understand the way I feel. She was my wife, my mate, the mother of my child. I devoted my life to her and she left me. And everyday the rejection and the hurt, it turns a little harder. I'll never love another woman, Will. I'll never want another woman, but I can't guarantee that if your mother walked back in wanting me to take her back, that I would."

"Because she hurt me, son. It's a hurt you'll never know unless it happens to you. And even though my situation is different, I think I know how Buffy feels. Because I saw her. I saw her after you left and I wanted to cry along with her. "

Spike dropped his head and Giles pulled him close as he cried yet again.

"I know she loves you. I can see it." Giles gave a small laugh. "People who don't even know her, knows that she loves you. It flows from her. But there's a hurt there, a pain that you're going to have to work through. And if it's meant to be and she's the one for you, then yes. She'll take you back."

Spike nodded against his father's shoulder, knowing in his heart that Buffy was the one for him.

The bell of above the door jingled and Buffy looked up, the smile on her lips replaced by a slight tremble.

Spike held his breath and didn't move, giving her a slight smile.

"Hello, Buffy."

Buffy looked back down at the reciepts in her hands before clenching her eyes shut, determined to stop the tears this time.

"Spike."

He took a hesitant step toward the counter, drawn to her like a moth to flame. He stopped in front of the counter and held on to it as he nervously rocked back and forth on his heels.

"How have you been?"

She threw the reciepts down on the table, looking at him with incredulous eyes.

"How do you think I've been?"

Spike sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingertips.

"Buffy, I didn't come here to fight with you."

"What did you come here for, William?"

He looked at her when she used his name and decided there was no use dancing around the truth.

"I want you back."

She sucked in a breath at his words and tried to stomp down the feelings they invoked.

Her heart was pounding and her soul was crying out for him. He was the missing link, he could make her whole.

Or he could destroy her all over again.

She couldn't say anything because she knew if she opened her mouth at that moment, her heart would speak for her.

So she thought of the day he left. His tail lights growing dimmer and each day that passed without him. Each day that left her cold and empty.

She let the pain take over and shook her head, looking at him with lifeless green eyes.

"I'm sorry. It's not gonna happen."

He knew what she was going to say and had tried to prepare himself for it.

But he soon realized nothing could have prepared him for the pain that shot through his body.

It felt like ice had replaced the blood in his veins and was flowing freely through his heart.

This was how she felt everyday.

Hot tears hit his eyes and blurred her face.

She screwed her eyes shut and fisted her hands at her side, steeling herself against the pain radiating from him. Her breathing became as labored as his and she warred with herself, her mind and heart in battle.

Her arms ached for him and her heart was pleading with her mind, just to take him in her arms and heal the pain no medicine could fix.

But she couldn't forget, her memory wouldn't let her, the pain and anguish she had lived through for two long years.

She knew he could heal her, his touch would work miracles on her battered heart.

But another part of her knew that if he held her heart in the palm of his hand, he could smash it.

She was hardly living now, she knew she wouldn't survive if he left her again.

"I'm sorry."

He looked up at her with his heart in his eyes and a plead on his lips, and she had to leave, get away from him.

She couldn't be there with him, it was too risky.

"Goodbye, Spike."

She turned around, heading toward the back when his voice caught her.

"Please. Please, don't say that."

She knew if she looked back she would be lost, so she made her way to the door only stopping long enough to whisper three words.

"I'm sorry, William."

The door closed and Buffy hit the floor, her bravado washed away by her tears.

She pulled her knees to her chest and listened to the sound of his cries on the other side. She put her hand flat against the smooth wood and poured her heart out, the floor wet with her tears.


~~~~~~~~~~


Spike walked over to the door and placed his ear against it, uncaring of the sobs pouring from his own mouth.

He splayed his hand against the wood and slid to the ground, her words echoing in his mind.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He jumped when a hand fell on his shoulder, not having heard the bell above the door.

He looked up at Dawn, smiling even though his heart was in a million pieces.

"Nibblet."

He wiped the tears away from his cheeks and tried to stand, wobbling when he realized his legs were asleep.

Dawn grasped his arms and led him over to the small desk chair behind the counter.

"Thanks, Bit." He said as he leaned his head back on the chair, trying to ease some of the pressure off his aching head.

"It's Dawn."

His eyes snapped open and his heart broke a little bit more at the look on his surrogate little sister's face.

"You hate me too, huh?"

Dawn crossed her arms over her chest after hopping up on the counter.

"Not as much as I should."

She sighed and leaned back on her arms, looking up at the ceiling.

"I always told myself that when you showed your face around here again, I was gon--"

"When?"

She gave him a smug smile.

"Yeah, I always knew you'd be back. So did mom."

Spike smiled a soft smile at the mention of Joyce.

"She was a smart lady."

"Yeah, she was."

"I wish I could have gotten the chance to talk to her again, before she- you know."

Dawn gave him a soft smile of her own.

"I know."

He twisted his hands together in his lap afraid of what the answer to his next question might be.

"Was she, she wasn't-, when she--"

Dawn cut off his rambling by placing a hand on his arm. She gave him a tender smile, her eyes misting with unshed tears.

"No, Spike. She wasn't mad at you." He let out a breath in relief as a tear rolled down his cheek. "It's like I said, she knew you'd be back sooner or later."

Spike sighed and rested is head in his hands.

"It's beginning to look like I came back for nothing."

"Spike, get real. Did you expect her to just fall in your arms?"

He gave a small humourless laugh and nodded his head.

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"You're out of your damn mind, William."

"Language, Bit."

"Oh, fuck off."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"I heard you out there talking to him."

Dawn looked away from the screen and toward her sister.

"Yeah, so?"

"So why were you talking to him, Dawn Elanor Summers?"

Dawn gave her a dirty look at the use of her full name and looked back toward the TV, deliberately ingnoring Buffy.

"Dawn."

She was sick of waiting and starting to get seriously pissed off, so she resorted to fighting dirty.

"Alright then. You asked for it."

Buffy reached over and began tickling Dawn on the collar bones where she was the most ticklish.

"No!! Not the collar bones!! Ahhhh!"

Buffy laughed and tickled her harder, until she finally surrendered.

"Alright! Alright, I'll tell you!"

Buffy pulled back, but kept her hands poised and ready to strike in case Dawn was fibbing.

"Go ahead, I'm listening."

Dawn sighed and leaned back against the couch.

"When I walked in from lunch I heard something. At first I thought it was you, but it was too- masculine."

Buffy looked at Dawn and watched a sad look slip across her face.

"It was heartbreaking. I walked around the counter and there he was. He was on the floor and he was bawling, Buffy. I've never seen a man cry like that." She shook her head, remembering the heart wrenching sobs coming from Spike's mouth.

Dawn looked over when Buffy released a long, shaky breath. She could see the tears welling up in Buffy's eyes.

"He wants you back."

Buffy pursed her lips and swallowed trying to reign in her emotions.

"Well that's just to bad."

"Buffy, maybe you should give him a chan--"

Buffy jumped from the couch, pacing around the room like a caged tiger.

"No. I can't- I won't. Not again."

Dawn jumped up as well and shook her head, walking toward her.

"So you're just gonna live like this the rest of your life? Never going anywhere or doing anything? You're crazy. This is crazy."

Dawn stomped past her and up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door.

Buffy stood in the living room alone, thinking about what Dawn had said. When was the last time she had went out? It was probably before Spike had left.

She stood there a few more minutes, before heading up the stairs to her room. As she pulled an outfit from the closet, she only had one thing in mind.

She would show them.

~*Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad
I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again*~



Buffy walked into the Bronze and a smile came to her face. Memories assaulted her and took her back to her teenage days.

She was thankful that it was a Tuesday and that only a handful of people were there. She made her way to the bar and ordered a drink, planning on celebrating. What she was celebrating she had no idea, but she would rather say that than drowning her sorrows.

The bartender placed the drink in front of her and she took a sip, looking out over the dance floor.

A slow song was playing and she had no interest in watching the couples slow dancing, so she turned back and looked into the large mirror above the rows of liquer.

She hardly recognized the person staring back. She was only twenty one, but she felt like forty.

Air flew out of her lungs when another image joined her own.


~*And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget*~


"Buffy."

His hand on her shoulder brought her back to reality and she sucked in a breath, dropping her eyes and draining her glass in one swallow. He came around to the stool beside her and sat down, staring at the bar after ordering his own drink.

She looked over at him and wanted to cry at the sight of his beautiful face. How many times had she dreamed of it over the past two years?

He looked over at her and she held his eyes in her gaze. She didn't look away, unphased that he caught her staring.

Their eyes stayed locked and Spike watched as tears pooled in hers.

He wiped the tear away and she closed her eyes, her breathing becoming labored at his touch.

Her lips were trembling and more tears were soaking his hands as they cupped her soft cheeks.

"Open your eyes."

Her eyes flew open and she saw his own eyes mist.

And she couldn't stop herself.

She closed the distance between them and crushed her lips to his, a sob catching in her throat at the sweet contact.

Her hands were wrapped around his neck in a vice grip and she kissed him with everything she had.

She kissed him like it was the last time she would ever be able to.

And it was that thought that jerked her away from him.

She jerked away so fast that the stool flew out from under her. She landed on her feet, never breaking her eyes from his.

"Buffy."

He stood up and reached for her, cursing when she took a step back.

"Buffy, I'm sorr--"

He wasn't able to finish, she was already gone.


~*Is that sorry on your breath?
Where were you when I was sitting back here
Missing you to death?*~





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N" Songs "It only hurts when I breathe" by Shania Twain and "It Don't Matter Now" by Alison Krauss

Buffy didn't stop running until her feet hit her front porch.

She dropped onto the top step and put her head between her knees, trying to fill her burning lungs with air. Her whole body was tingling and she knew it wasn't from exertion.

It was him and the kiss.

Why? Why, why, why?

She felt like kicking herself for breaking her own rules.

But she couldn't help it. That's why she couldn't be around him anymore.

Her world stood still when he was around, feelings that were buried deep below pain and heartache started clawing their way to the surface.

She needed help.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Spike threw the door open and stomped into the house.

He passed Giles, who took one look at his face and turned back to the television.

Flinging the door to his room open, he slammed it closed and fell face first on the bed. He grabbed his pillow and screamed into it until he was sure his throat was bleeding.

Was she really worth it? Was she honestly worth the hell he was currently going through?

Yes.

He sighed and closed his eyes, racking his brain for anything that might get him closer to her.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Buffy knelt down in front of the gravestone and ran her fingers through the soft grass surrounding it.

"Hey, mommy."

She brought her legs out and crossed them, resting her elbows on them to prop her head up.

"I miss you. But everything is going good. Dawn's getting ready for college, the gallery is awesome, and --"

She sighed and ran her hand across her eyes.

"He's back."

She looked at the ground, pulling bits of grass and letting them blow away with the wind.

"It's like-- A part of me always knew he'd be back, but another part of me wouldn't let myself think it. Because if I did, then I would just sit around and what for him to come home."

And it hit her. It hit her like tidal wave.

Tears clouded her eyes and she looked at her mother's grave.

"But that's exactly what I've been doing, isn't it."

It wasn't a question, it was an answer.

She thought about her life since he left. And she realized, she hadn't been living.

She had been waiting.

For him.

But her heart was still shattered, the pain was still there.

Could she take the risk?

Or would she live the rest of her life alone.

She could take the risk and spend the rest of her life loving him, or she could push him away and live alone, resenting the love she felt for him.

She turned her head toward the stars, but they didn't have an answer for her.

Because she already held the answer in her heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She trudged into her bedroom and began tugging at her clothes. She threw her boots off and pulled her pants down her legs, stepping out of them and heading toward her dresser. She pulled her gown out and slipped it over her head, sighing in bliss at the feeling of the cool silk sliding down her body. The gown had just settled around her ankles when she heard it.

Her eyes opened, looking around the dark room. She opened the door and stepped into the hallway, she figured the sound was coming from Dawn's room, but she couldn't hear it as well as she could in her room. She stepped back through the doorway and walked to the window, tears filling her eyes as the soft chords of the guitar drifted to her ears. Her hands trembled as she slid the window open and she leaned out, tears blurring her vision of him standing on her lawn, softly plucking the strings of his guitar. She gripped the window sill and used it to keep herself on her feet, when she heard his strong voice begin to softly serenade her.

"I wonder should I tell you
`bout all the crazy things I've ever done
I've been searching all my life
And when I should have stayed
I tried to run"


Dogs were barking and lights were coming on in the surrounding houses, but he didn't care. Not when she stood in her window, looking down on him like an angel. He gave her a smile as he sang, and nearly cried when she sent him her own smile as bright as the sun.


"I was searching for an answer
In a world full of strangers
But what I found was never real enough
Now that I've found you
I'm looking in the eyes of love"


She couldn't move and she couldn't breath, she had fallen in love with him all over again. The past didn't matter anymore, not when he was standing before her, his soul singing straight into hers.



"Darlin' you've been good to me
You are so much more than I deserve
I never thought that I would find
Someone who's so sweet and kind like you
Please believe me when I say
This time I won't run away
I swear by all of heaven's stars above
Now that I've found you
I'm looking in the eyes of love"


He watched as she stepped away from the window, disappearing into the darkness. His heart crumbled and he was blinded by tears, but his voice never faltered. He closed his eyes and continued singing to her, even if she didn't want to hear it. But when she touched his face, his eyes snapped open and he dropped to his knees in front of her, his love ringing clear through the words of the song. His hands were trembling as he plucked the strings and tears of relief and joy poured down his face as he finished the song.


"Looking in the eyes of love I can see forever
I can see you and me walking in this old world together
Lord my heart's found a home
I've been dreaming of a home
Now that I've found you
I'm looking in the eyes of love"


The last chord of the song rang into the night and he looked up at her, grabbing her hands and pulling them to his face, nuzzling it against them. His tears soaked her hands and she softly wiped them away.

"Buffy."

His voice was thick with tears and his lips were tembling.

"Please. Please, give me another chance. I'll- I'll do anything. Please..." His plead trailed into a whisper as his voice was overcome by tears.

"Anything?"

He looked up at her a spark of hope igniting in his eyes.

"Anything, Buffy. Anything."

She looked at his face and gave him a small smile, tugging on his hands.

"Come up here and kiss me."

He jumped to his feet and pulled her to him, neither caring of the guitar digging into their stomach.

The kiss was perfect. It was passion and love. It was a beginning and it was an ending.

It was coming home.







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Song is "Looking through the eyes of love" by Alison Krauss

The front door flew open and Buffy ran through, yelling at the top of her lungs.

"Spike!"

She didn't even bother with the steps, jumping over them and hitting the ground running.

"Spike wait!!"

She ran down the sidewalk and chased after him as he drove down the street.

"Stop!!"

The car slid to a stop and Buffy ran faster, coming up to the window Spike was rolling down.

"What?"

"You forgot your wallet."

She panted and handed him the wallet, smiling as he shook his head.

"Thanks, love."

"You're welcome, baby."

She leaned into the window and accepted the kiss he was offering.

"I'll see you later, sweetheart."

She nodded her head, still trying to catch her breath.

"I love you, Buffy."

She leaned back into the window and gave him another kiss.

"I love you, too."

She stood there as he drove away, a smile creeping across her face as his tail lights grew dim.



The End


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A/N: Thank you so much for reading and for the wonderful reviews. I know it was short, but I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you!! ~Hannah