disclaimer: is it MINE?! No. Evil.
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(Angel leans forward to kiss Buffy, who recoils in horror)

BUFFY: EW! Ew, no!

ANGEL: (pouting) What? WHY!?

BUFFY: Because...your hair!

(Angel immediately panics and lifts hands to hair)

ANGEL: NOOOOOO! What's wrong with it?! This can't be happening!!!! (pulls on hair, trying to get it to stay up) This can't be happening, damn it! I'm out of hair gel, too!

(We see Caleb rise behind Angel, and say nothing cuz it's too amusing)

CALEB: You vampire whore! Did you think you and your Shaggies could 'beat me'?!

(Angel turns, yelps, and runs, slaming into a pillar and knocking himself out)

BUFFY: (pissed) It's Scoobies...andyou konw damn well that's what it is...don't you RILEY?!

(She jumps on his back and pulls off his mask, revealing said Iowa boy)

RILEY: Curses! And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dumb dog!!!

BUFFY: (whispering) Riley...wrong show.

RILEY: Oh yeah...can I have a script please?

(Script is thrown at his head. He reads through it)

RILEY: There we go. Let's try this again. (clears throat) Buffy, I was never married to Sam. I love you and always will! Run away with me!!!

SPIKE: Hold on!!

(He runs in and pushes Riley away, and Riley's pissed)

SPIKE: I love you more! Choose me!

RILEY: Choose me!

SPIKE: Choose me!

RILEY: Choose me!

SPIKE: Choose me!

BUFFY: (sarcastically, underneath breath) Oh THIS is hard...

(Author enters, holding shot gun)

AUTHOR: I'll solve this!!! (Shoots Riley and he dies and there is much rejoicing)

BUFFY: Why did you do that?

AUTHOR: It's my story, damn it! Things go the way I want, so get over it!

BUFFY: What?! Why! This fic is about ME!!!

SPIKE: And me!

AUTHOR: Because I'M the one at the computer, surrounded by 8 soda cans and hopped up on Benedryll, that's why! AND, I'm not fictional!

SPIKE: She has a point...

BUFFY: (stomps floor and pouts) Fine.

AUTHOR: Bye now.

SPIKE: Wait! What about the First And everyone else at the house?

AUTHOR: Pssh. Like I care about them. Consider the SITs and the First gone.

(Author leaves room, and Buffy and Spike stand, looking at each other before rushing to each other and kissing madly. Angel wakes up and sees them)

ANGEL: Hey! What are you-

(Cut off because Author really doesn't like him and his voice irritates her, so she shot him. Buffy and Spike are magically transported to a land where all is good and Spike can run around in the sun and make pretty babies with Buffy)

BUFFY & SPIKE: I love you!

BUFFY: I thought she would prolong that a bit more...

SPIKE: Well, she's obviously too tire to write something detailed or to care that this story made NO sense whatsoever, or to care that she can't spell. No let the girl go to bed so you and me can snog!

(And they do)

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[a/n]---um...I really don't know where this came from...

Disclaimer: Do I own it? No. evil Joss!!! EVIL!!!

Hehe…random thought: funnest word every!!=LLAMAS
Funner word(s): LLAMAS IN PAJAMAS!!!

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SPIKE: Well, looky here. I don't usually use the word delicious...

(Shot of Riley standing there looking at them, large gun in hand)

SPIKE: ...but I've gotta wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh? Me and your former? Must kill. What can I say? Girl just needs a little monster in her man.

(Buffy turns to Spike and grins and then turns back to Riley and gives him the finger)

RILEY: (to Spike) That's not why I'm here ... Doctor.

(Buffy looks shocked, turns to stare at Spike, then back to stare at Riley, and then back to Spike)

BUFFY: (whispering) You’re a doctor?

SPIKE: (sighing, then sarcastic) Yes, Buffy. I’m a doctor, with a diploma and EVERYTHING. Would you like to see my diploma?

BUFFY: YOU HAVE A DIPLOMA?!

(Spike sighs and turns to Riley)

SPIKE: Was she like this when you were with her?

(Riley shrugs, and they look like they’re about to bond, when someone runs towards them wearing a headset and carrying a clipboard)

CREW MEMBER: No, no, no! This is all wrong! (opens script and points) SEE!!! Right here, it says you’re supposed to have a macho pissing contest!

RILEY: Yes sir lady ma’am sir!

(crew member backs away, waving at camera and mouthing ‘spike’s hot’)

RILEY: Show me the eggs, Doctor!


(Spike shrugs and goes to his fridge and opens it)

SPIKE: (murmuring under breath) blood…beer…what the HELL is that?! Is that bologna? Oh, god it is…um…oh, here they are.

(Spike straightens and holds up a carton of eggs, Grade A, extra large)

RILEY: BWAHAHA!!! I have foiled your plots for evilness! Now Buffy will return to me!

SPIKE: First off, you’re married. Second off, what, you’re going to stop me from making eggs-in-a-basket? And POACHED EGGS? (under breath) Oh THAT’S a brilliant plan…

BUFFY: How did you know he was married? I mean, he’s not wearing a ring and I never told you!

SPIKE: Because it’s a fic, god dammit! Now let’s get on with the story!

(They turn to Riley, who’s mumbling and turning the egg carton around in his hands. They watch him, and Buffy interrupts his fascination with the dairy product [a/n-eggs ARE dairy, right?])

BUFFY: What are you doing?

RILEY: AH HA!! These aren’t Extra Large eggs at all! They’re JUMBO!!!

(Author gets fed up of Riley’s talking and walks in, steals his gun)

AUTHOR: This is for you, your dumb initiative, your dislike of Spike and your general stupidity!

(Shoots him like she always will and there is much happiness. Smiling, Author turns to Spike and Buffy, and is about to say something, when all of a sudden, Angel bursts in)

ANGEL: BUFFY! I LOVE YO-

BLAM!

(He’s dead too, now. AND then…)

PARKER: BUFFFFY!

BLAM!

BUFFY: Why are THEY here? I thought this was supposed to be about only me and Spike!

AUTHOR: Well, I hate all of them. Therefore, they die.

(Spike and Buffy do not, of course, question this because I am god and they will do as I say. And I say, they are magically transported to Happy-Happy Land where all is good and they make pretty babies and Spike can go in the sunlight. Oh, and they have their loverly never ending supply of Prozac which keeps them firmly implanted in HappyHappyLand. Author smiles, happy that everyone she hates is dead and goes to add this story to some sites because she’s crazy and sleep deprived)
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[a/n]—DO NOT QUESTION MY SANITY! IT WAS NEVER THERE TO BEGIN WITH!!!

Disclaimer: what do you mean spike was kidnapped? What do you mean that he’s now stuck in someone’s closet? Who would do a thing like that? I mean, that’s crazy…hahahaha…(looks around nervously) I DON’T OWN ANYTHIN’! YOU GOT NOTHIN’ ON ME!

Random thought: why is LLAMA spelled with two L’s? that’s so LLAME

^courtesy of some crazy person’s site
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BUFFY: What happened?

DAWN: I-I don’t know! He just freaked out!

BEN: Let me out!! Leeeeeeeet me oooooout!

BUFFY: Willow! Open a door!

BEN: NO! No doors! I don’t want out of this cottage!

(Other people in random building=confused)

XANDER: Ok…what DO you want out of?

BEN: I WANT TO BE FREEEEEEEEEEEE!

BUFFY: (waves hand, trying to get him AWAY, dammit!) Fine…be free!

BEN: WHEEE! (rips off clothes and reveals he’s wearing a show girl outfit) I’M FREE TO BE MY HEARTS DESIRE!

XANDER: Oh my god, he’s GLORY!

BEN: SSSSH! That’s my stagename! (prances out the door) Vegas here I come!

(silence)

SPIKE: Well that was odd.

BUFFY: Wait a minute…Author, get your butt in here!

(Author sticks head in)

AUTHOR: Yessum?

BUFFY: I thought Ben was supposed to be Glory who’s a hell god!

AUTHOR: well, that’s not interesting! So I made Ben a cross dresser and Glory’s a SHOWGIRL!!! Isn’t that so much more exciting?!

(silence)

AUTHOR: (crying) FINE!!!! DESTROY AND DISRESPECT MY CREATIVE IDEAS!!! I HATE YOU ALL! (ponders) Except Spike…

SPIKE: yay!

DAWN: (whining) What about meeeeeeeeee! I’m the key!

AUTHOR: This means nothing! Away with you! (waves hand and POOF Dawn’s gone!)

BUFFY: My sister!!!!

AUTHOR: You’re welcome!

XANDER: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

AUTHOR: gasp! Why are YOU still here?! You’re not a Buffy+Spike=FOREVER fan!!! (waves hand and POOF Xander’s gone. So is Anya because I feel like it)

WILLOW: WOW! You’re so full of magic!

AUTHOR: Not magic, fool! It’s called a keyboard and too much time!!! (Willow, Tara and Giles go POOF! Leaving Buffy and Spike alllllllllllllll alone!)

AUTHOR: Bye now!

BUFFY: What about Spike? Why isn’t he gone?

AUTHOR: well, that would go against the whole point of the story now wouldn’t it?! Sides, he’s too hot to go POOF!

SPIKE: yay!

(And Buffy and Spike, once more, are transported to HappyHappyLand where their lives are filled with pretty babies, sunlight, and delusions of happiness and crazy teenagers who spend their nights writing about people going POOF!)

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[a/n]—I’m just on a ROLL with the random, aren’t I?!

This goes out to Kel for loving LLAMAS!

BUFFY: Oh, look, it's CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!!! yaaaaay!

WILLOW: wow, Buffy! your tree is soooo cool! it looks like the one from Charlie Brown!

(shot of retarded looking tree; barely any needles are on it, and it's COVERED in ornaments. next to it, we see Snoopy dancing)

XANDER: DAMN YOU, SNOOPY! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A SNOOPY-DANCE DANCE-OFF!!!!!!

(snoopy says nothing, because he's a beagle and can't talk. The only reason Scooby Doo can talk is because EVERYONE WAS HIGH ON THAT SHOW AND BELIEVED THAT A DOG COULD TALK!!!! damn kids and their high dogs...)

WILLOW: ohmygod!!! he's challenged snoopy!!! AAAAAAAAAH!

BUFFY: wait....why are you frightened?

WILLOW: because I'm a whiny little freaky lesbian who felt like she was useless and so decided to become a witch, accidentally making her friends lives living hell and became annoying to the author of this story and that's why she's typing this long rant for me!!!

(both turn to stare at the authore, sitting at the keyboard, whistling.)

AUTHOR: what?! i'm just...practicing my whistling!!

(the door bursts open, drawing everyone's attention away from the author, who sneaks away. it's SPIKE and his shapely body, come to make all the women drool!)

SPIKE: It is I, Spike, and my shapely body, come to make all women drool! Bow down before my sexiness!!!!

BUFFY: HEY! WILLOW, KEEP YOUR LESBO DROOL TO YOURSELF, SPIKE IS MINE, BIATCH!!!!

(willow wipes her chin and runs away, purely because the author was watching re-runs and didn't like her character)

SPIKE: oh, Buffy, I love you!! Pay no attention to what those fools say, especially the ones that dance with cartoon dogs that aren't really there!!! Stay with me, the obsessive vampire who is sooooo much hotter than Angel!

BUFFY: oh, Spike! I love you and your fine ass! let's go upstairs and leave the deranged Xander down here!

(they do so, and Xander continues dancing.)

BUFFY VO: hey author?

AUTHOR VO: yeah?

BUFFY VO: just out of curiosity...what episode is this supposed to be based on?

AUTHOR VO: hell if i know.

(AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER, EXCEPT FOR XANDER, WHO WAS TAKEN AWAY BY THE NICE MEN IN THE WHITE SUITS...JUST LIKE THE ONES IN MY ROOM RIGHT NOW! HEY, NICE MEN IN THE WHITE SUITS!!! WHAT?! NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE ME AWAY!!! RUN, SNOOPY! RRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!)