Timeline: Set post Hell’s Bells, the beginning of Normal Again never happened.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss is getting really tired of my constant begging for the rights to his characters.

Prologue

She felt like going for a patrol. Lately she had been busy getting ready for Xander and Anya’s wedding that didn’t end up happening, and it took up most of her time. She had been fired from the Doublemeat Palace for walking out on the job, and ever since she had been looking for a new way to make money. Finances were really low lately, and because Buffy was constantly distracted Dawn was starting to resent her again. Just when Buffy thought it couldn’t get any worse after Riley came and left with his wife, it had.

It got worse at the wedding when she had to face seeing Spike for the first time since she left him broken hearted in his crypt and walked into the sunlight where he could not follow her. She was able to suppress her emotions until she actually saw his handsome face and heard his voice. That night was the first night she actually allowed herself to cry since the break up. Buffy had been avoiding him for over a week. Her emotions had started flowing once Dawn mentioned that Spike was there with a total skank for a date. She thought she would be angry, but Buffy realized that there was no reason for her to be mad at Spike for moving on since she was the one who broke up with him.

Instead of letting her thoughts control her emotions, Buffy let herself feel for once. The feelings that she had experienced actually surprised her. She did feel jealousy, which was like an annoying presence constantly in the back of her mind. But even more surprising than that was the caring she felt for him. Buffy wanted Spike to be happy. She knew she would never be able to make him happy in the long run, so if he had to have some ho to be satisfied then she would be glad for him.

Buffy figured all Spike wanted was sex anyway. She now allowed herself to acknowledge his physical presence, and Buffy knew he wouldn’t have any problem getting tons of girls to fawn on him. He looked damn sexy at the wedding and he probably only met his “date” five minutes before inviting her to go with him. So Buffy wondered why he spent so much time trying to get in good with her. Even when she was dead and there was no possible way for him to know Buffy would somehow come back, Spike had kept his promise and took care of Dawn. She knew that he cared for Dawn. Buffy couldn’t deny it, but she just didn’t know why.

Even more than just keeping his promise, Spike had worked with the Scoobies and helped them control the vampire population in Sunnydale. Willow had told her that much. He never had had any problem expressing his hatred for the Scooby gang, so why did he help them last summer? Buffy wanted to know. She decided she was going to find him and actually have a conversation. This time, Buffy would really listen to what he had to say. She didn’t just want to see him like before, she needed to see him. She felt like going for a patrol.

Chapter One

The night was unusually cool. It was also very quiet. Nobody knew where Anya and Xander were, Dawn had gone to Janice’s house for a sleepover, and Willow was upstairs doing who-knows-what. It had been a while since Buffy decided to go visit Spike, and for some odd reason she was feeling nervous. Normally Buffy would just sneak out of the house before patrolling or going for a midnight romp with Spike, but she felt that this time, she should do it right. She quietly walked up the stairs and knocked on Willow’s door.

“Come in,” came the redhead’s voice through the door. Buffy slowly opened it and walked inside the room. Suddenly all of her nerves came rushing back and she wasn’t so sure she wanted to admit her big secret to Willow. Well, she decided she’d tell Willow most of the secret anyway.

“Hey Will. Um… I was just wondering if I could talk to you for a minute.”

“Yeah, sure Buff. What’s up?”

Buffy walked to the bed and sat down across from Willow. She took a deep breath and prepared for the worst.

“Well, it’s about Spike actually.”

“Spike? What about him?”

“I’ve been… well you see, Spike can…”

“Buffy, what is it? I’m your friend. You know you can trust me and tell me anything.” Willow was getting just a tad annoyed with Buffy beating around the bush. She had been spending the last few minutes trying to get up the nerve to call Tara, and just when she got the courage to pick up the phone Buffy had knocked on the door. Willow cared about Buffy and wanted to know what was worrying her so much, but she didn’t see the point if she was just going to babble.

“Spike’s chip doesn’t work on me. I asked Tara a few weeks ago to research the spell that brought me back, and it turns out that my being dead causes the sensors in Spike’s chip to go all wacko.”

“Oh my god, Buffy, did he hurt you?” Willow asked in a concerned voice. She was definitely paying attention now. Spike’s chip not working could only mean one thing, badness.

“No, not really. That’s why I’m worried.”

Willow’s first reaction was to be surprised, but after letting the information sink in she realized that it really wasn’t all that shocking. She knew how torn up and broken Spike was after Buffy’s death, and she honestly didn’t know how long Spike would last if anything ever happened to her again, especially if he was the cause of it. But that still didn’t change the fact that he was a soulless vampire whose job it was to kill the Slayer.

“It’s not just him… it’s me,” Buffy said. “I’ve been feeling different lately. You know how I haven’t been around much?”

“Yeah I know. The Doublemeat Palace didn’t exactly have good hours.”

“That’s not what I meant. I’ve been spending time with Spike lately. I can talk to him like a friend, you know? And, surprisingly enough, he actually listens to me.”

“Oh.” Willow didn’t really know what to say to that. She was kind of upset that Buffy went to talk to Spike instead of talking to her. But obviously she was here wanting to talk to her now, so Willow was going to listen.

“I don’t really know but, I think I have feelings for him. I… I think I like him. No, wait, I know I like him. I also know I shouldn’t. I’m worried that maybe if I go too far he’ll end up like the rest of them and leave me. But I also think that if I don’t give him a reason to stay then he’ll just give up and leave. I really don’t know what to do. Being with Spike could cause all sorts of badness, but I just don’t know if I can survive without being with him.”

There were a few moments of silence. Buffy still expected Willow to start telling her all of the reasons that being with Spike was a bad thing, but she didn’t.

“Buffy, does he know?”

“No, I don’t think so. Why?”

“Well, obviously he is capable of hurting you now but he hasn’t. I know he loves you. I think maybe you should just tell him how you feel. I know it would make Spike really happy, and I don’t think he could ever stay away from you.”

“Really? But, Willow, he’s a vampire. And not a souly vampire either. He could go all grrr on me anytime.”

“Buffy, I know you could take him, and you know you could too. And I think if he wanted to go all… “grrr” on you then he would have done it a long time ago.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right Willow. Actually, I was planning on going to look for him now so we could have a little chat.”

“Well, I think you should go do it then.”

“Thanks a lot Will.” Buffy got up and was headed for the door when she suddenly stopped and turned around.

“Hey, wait a minute. Why are you all for this idea? I thought you would be lecturing me right now on how wrong this is and how badly it could turn out.”

“No, I’ve realized that when you’ve got a good thing going you should go for it and not take it for granted.” Then Willow got a faraway expression and Buffy knew she was thinking about Tara. “Besides, lecturing is Xander’s thing anyway.”

Buffy laughed before she turned around again and walked out the door.

Chapter Two

*What should I wear? God, why does this have to be so hard? I’ve never dressed up to impress him before, why start now?*

I was looking through my wardrobe for something to wear, but nothing seemed to be sufficient. If I was going to talk to Spike and maybe get back together with him, I wanted to make sure I looked my best. Even though Spike would probably think I was beautiful covered in demon slime, I still had my feminine pride to uphold. I finally decided on wearing my black leather skirt and boots, the same ones I wore the first time we were together, and a red long-sleeved shirt. I put on my sparkly eyeshadow, midnight black eyeliner, mascara, and a dab of lip gloss. I left my short hair down for once. When I finally looked in the mirror with satisfaction, I grabbed my stake and headed out the door. I immediately started walking towards Spike cemetery, and hopefully towards happiness.

**********

When I got to his crypt Spike apparently wasn’t there, so I decided to wait outside for him. It wasn’t long before I saw him walking towards me with a grocery bag filled with pigs’ blood.

“Slayer?” He asked with what seemed to be confusion.

“Hey. Where’ve you been?”

“I was just at the butcher shop. I had to refill my blood storage. Buffy, what exactly are you doing here?”

*Oh crap. What do I say to him?*

“Well, I was patrolling but there didn’t seem to be much action tonight, so I decided to stop by.”

He got closer to me and put his bag on the ground. I started to get that feeling that always occurred when I was near him.

“I see. Did you cry?”

*Oh my god. Does he know how much I have cried because of him? Because of me? Because of how screwed up both of our lives have become? It’s a good thing he doesn’t seem to notice that my lip is beginning to tremble and I’m on the verge of crying again.*

“What?”

“The wedding. Two hearts joined for eternity. Great pelting showers of rice and so forth.”

*That’s interesting. I guess he does really care about what happens to my friends, even though he would never openly admit it to them. He doesn’t even know that the wedding became a non-wedding when Xander left Anya broken hearted at the altar like a coward.*

“You didn’t hear.”

“What? Families get out of hand, tear the place apart?”

“No. Well, yes, absolutely. But, Xander left. The wedding didn’t happen.”

His eyebrows quirked up at that and there was a genuine look of surprise on his face.

“Wow. Gotta say, I didn’t see that coming.”

But he should have. Spike of all people should have known that all relationships, especially in Sunnydale, just end up failing eventually.

“It was horrible. Anya was devastated. Xander thinks they can still get back together, but he hurt her real bad.”

“Yeah, well, some people just can’t see a good thing when they’ve got it.”

And he gave me a look. It was just a little head nod, but it made my knees weak all the same. I knew we weren’t talking about Xander and Anya anymore. I bowed my head a little, and I said the next statement so quietly I wasn’t even sure he heard it even with his vampire hearing. I had almost hoped he wouldn’t.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

But he did hear. And this time he had a look of pure confusion on his face. I guess he didn’t expect that I would ever apologize to him for anything. I took a deep breath before deciding what to say. It was finally truth time, and I wasn’t getting out of it.

“Everything. The last few weeks… well they’ve been really hard. All this time I’ve been depressed and I though I should be punished for not living up to everyone’s expectations. That’s why I had to turn myself in when I thought I killed that girl. And you… you shouldn’t love me. Everyone has been wrapped up in their own little world and not wanting to deal with depressed Buffy. I don’t understand how you could love me like this.”

I tried my best to keep my voice calm, but then I felt the wetness on my eyes and I heard my voice begin to crack. He gave me a slight smile, one that I hadn’t seen since my birthday party. It seemed like such a long time ago…

*Oh god… please not now. I can’t break down in front of him!*

“So you finally admit it then? You finally believe that I love you.”

“Yes.” I said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and that I had never told him he didn’t love me. “I just don’t know why. You don’t have a soul.” I had told him the exact same thing while I simultaneously beat him in that alley, but this time I said it as a statement instead of an accusation. “When Angel lost his soul he…”

Spike angrily cut me off. “Sodding hell… I am nothing like the bloody poofter, so you can just stop comparing me to him.”

“But you don’t understand. I’m the Slayer…”

He cut me off once again. “Yeah, I think I understand that part well enough.”

“Will you just let me finish? My whole life I have been trained to believe that all vampires are the same. My job description is pretty clear. I’m supposed to kill soulless fiends, not… get involved with them. And then Angel comes along and he’d different, he’s unique because he has a soul and he loves me.”

“He was cursed with a soul, Buffy.”

“Yeah I know that, but then there’s you.”

I was going to say more, but I couldn’t think of what to say so I stopped. After a few moments Spike asked, “What about me pet?”

“You can love without a soul. I’ve seen it. I saw how you loved Drusilla in your own twisted way. I’ve seen how you care for Dawn. But it shouldn’t be possible.”

“Why not, love?”

*Doesn’t he get it? Why can’t he understand?*

I couldn’t take it anymore and I snapped, “Because Angelus couldn’t!”

Then the crying started. Again. And this time it was right in front of him. I just couldn’t hold it back anymore. I wasn’t just crying either, I was sobbing. Painful, uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs.

“Buffy, kitten, Angelus was an idiot. He always was a sadistic bastard, the way he carried on with Drusilla right in front of me.”

I gave him a death glare. “Not making it better.”

“Sorry pet. I was merely saying, Angel isn’t really much different. Except now he spends his time brooding about the malicious things he does.”

That made me chuckle a little bit even though I still had tears running down my face. Angel did spend all of his time brooding, acting more depressed then even I had been lately. “Yeah, that is true.”

He looked at me with such caring and love that I thought my heart would break. How could I ever deny that he loved me? He must have built up a lot of courage to say what he did next.

“Come on, let’s get you back to my crypt and cleaned up.”

I hesitated for just a moment. “No.”

He looked disappointed. “No?”

“I’m going home, and you’re coming with me.”

Chapter Three


It was finally the big day; the biggest day of his life. He felt like he’d waited forever for just this one moment. As he stood there at the altar and waited in the almost suffocating church, he started losing his grip on patience. And then… he saw her. He had to stop to take a deep breath. She was breathtaking, even if her dress was obviously a remnant from her demon days. Her blonde (for the moment) and naturally-straight hair was coming down from her head in beautiful ringlets. He’d never seen her look more gorgeous.

And in a single instant, all of the nervousness he had went away. It was like a huge boulder was lifted off his shoulder and he no longer had to worry about their future. He loved this woman, probably more than any woman or anything he’d ever loved before. Yes, there would be difficult times, but didn’t every couple go through that? She did have many quirks that sometimes bothered him… but he realized he wouldn’t love her as much if she didn’t.

She looked up at him then, and they locked eyes. It felt like she was staring into his soul. Her lips quirked up in a slight smile and her eyes were twinkling with happiness. She took the first step and began her journey down the long aisle. The closer she got to him, the more they both smiled. There didn’t seem to be any aggravated and drunken relatives or out of place demons around them any longer. It seemed to them that they were the only two people in the world.

But the magic ended abruptly. Her dress had suddenly caught on fire, and she was quickly consumed by the flames. His stomach began turning into knots and he became quite nauseous because of the sight.

“Wha… what’s going on? What’s happening?!” he cried out in agony.

“It’s ok honey, it’ll all be over soon,” she replied quite calmly considering her current situation.

“NO! You can’t leave me! I can’t survive without you!”

“You don’t have a choice. We just weren’t meant to be. It’s my destiny to die.”

“You are NOT going to die!” he yelled back. And then he started running towards her. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but he would either save her from the fire or die with her.

But he never made it that far. Someone grabbed him and pulled him back just as he was about to reach her. In that same moment, the flames erupted and left her body as nothing more than ashes on the ground.

He collapsed on the ground in front of her remains and screamed in anguish.

“NOOO! I love you! God damn it, I love you so much! Come back to me!”

“Hey, it’s gonna be ok, really.”

He turned around to see who was talking to him. It was the person who had pulled him back from his love’s burning flesh.

“How can you say that Buffy? It’s your fault I didn’t get to her in time! I could have saved her!”

“I think a thank you is in order for me saving your life! There was no way you could have saved her in time, but I saved you from suffering the same fate as her!”

“Can’t you see that I wanted to die? If I don’t have her, I have nothing! She gave my life meaning. I would rather have died with her than be stuck here on earth living the rest of my life without her!”

“And I would have rather stayed in heaven than living here in hell every single day of my life! But you were too selfish for that. Maybe I felt like being the selfish one for once. Now you’ll know what it’s been like for me ever since you resurrected me from inside my own coffin!”

And she began to sob. He tried to say comforting words to her but she turned and ran away before he got the chance.

“Good going wanker. Now all you got is the ashes of your loved one and a distraught Slayer on your hands. Whatever will you screw up next?”

“Shut up Spike!”

He didn’t know where Spike had come from, but he couldn’t take this anymore. What started off as the best dream had quickly become the worst nightmare. He could barely comprehend Anya’s death, let alone stand Spike’s offensive comments.

“Oooo… such big talk for such a bloody git. What will you do next… hit me?”

And that’s precisely what he did.

“Hey! That was a rhetorical question!”

“Yeah? Well I don’t give a shit!”

And he punched him again. And again. On the jaw, in his gut, wherever he could manage to hit him. Spike ended up on the ground below Xander. He didn’t have the energy to fight back anymore. Spike figured that Xander would find some piece of wood to jam in his heart any second now, but Spike didn’t care. He just could not figure out any reason to want to unlive anymore.

Sure enough, Xander produced a stake from the inside of his pants. Spike wondered how he managed to do that. He placed the stake right over his heart, and Spike closed his eyes while he waited for the inevitable staking.

But that didn’t happen either. Again someone pulled Xander back and threw him to the ground. It took him a minute to regain his composure and stand up straight. The force of the tossing was way too strong to have come from an ordinary person. Spike was the first to recover his speaking abilities.

“Buffy?”

But she just ignored both of their inquisitive stares and went to offer Spike a helping hand. He graciously took hold of it and was able to stand up with her help.

“What the hell did you do that for?! Xander yelled from behind them. “I was just about to kill that evil son of a bitch!”

“You bastard! What do you think I was doing? You pull me out of heaven and then you try to kill the only person who has brought me some kind of peace? The only one who has even tried to understand what I’m going through? I was saving the life of the man I love!”

“What?” Xander and Spike asked simultaneously.

**********

Xander woke up with a start. “Something is wrong here…” he said to himself. “Something is very wrong.”

Chapter Four

Spike and I started walking to my house in companionable silence. It lasted for about two minutes.

“So…”

I said the same thing at the same time and finished it up with a little bit of embarrassed laughter. *Why won’t these damn butterflies go away? Why do I feel like this every time I’m with him?*
“Yeah…” I started, “Why don’t you go first?”

“Well, I was just going to ask why the bleeding hell are we going the opposite way from your house?”

“Wait… what?” I stopped walking and looked at my surroundings. It was true, we were going the opposite way from Revello drive. “I, uh, must’ve not been paying attention. You know how my mind goes all wandery when I start thinking about stuff.”

“Um yeah,” he replied.

*When I think about your eyes, your cheekbones, or the toned, muscled body underneath your clothes… god stop it Buffy! You’re probably thinking more perverted thoughts than Spike, if that’s even possible.*

“So, I was just wondering why you wanted me to tag along with you on this little excursion. I thought you couldn’t stand the sight of me.”

“That’s not true, I… I just thought we could talk a little more.”

*Jeez Buffy, nervous much? I can’t even form a sentence without stuttering.*

“Alright, are you sure just talking? We haven’t done that in a while.”

“Yeah I know. I’m sorry about that too.”

We were silent once more, and it remained like that until we managed to reach my house.

**********

We were standing outside my front door, neither of us really knowing what to do. Finally I said, “Maybe we should just sit out here. Willow’s probably asleep and I don’t want to risk waking her up.”

“Fine by me,” he said.

So we sat next to each other on my front porch and the silence continued on. True to form, Spike was the one to break it. Only this time he did it more quietly than he usually did.

“I must say, and don’t break my nose for telling you so, but you look awfully gorgeous in that outfit, Buffy.”

And that’s all it took, my growing emotions for him were now surfacing even more. Just a few simple words and my heart was clenching with affection for him. I know that he likes the way that I look. He even thinks I’m beautiful. But gorgeous?

And he used my real name. Just the sound of it coming from his mouth made my heart flutter. It wasn’t just the words he said that had affected me, but it was the way he said it with such conviction. Spike really did wear his heart on his sleeve. Every time I tried to express my own feelings it always came out as a jumbled mess. All these thoughts rushed through my head as I took a minute to come up with a response. I decided to go with banter. That seemed to work… well most of the time anyway.

“Now why would I break your precious nose?”

“Oh… no reason.”

“Thanks, by the way. I’m glad to hear you approve.” He seemed shocked because I was actually showing him gratitude.

“So did you have a hot date with a vampire in the graveyard?”

“What?! What are you talking about?”

“Relax, I’m just kidding you Slayer. And well, I may not know much about women’s clothing, but I figure it must be pretty hard to slay something in those clothes. So I was thinking maybe you were patrolling for a date instead of for a kill.”

*Oh great, I’m really stuck now.*

“Well, yeah. Actually I was.”

Not for the first time that night, he looked disappointed. God guys could be really dense sometimes. Especially when that guy was Spike. I could tell he was having a hard time playing it cool and keeping his emotions in check.

“Oh. So who’s the lucky guy?”

It seemed that I would just have to spell it out for him. “It’s you, you idiot.”

At first his expression didn’t show any reaction. But it sure did pretty quickly. This was by far the most shocked expression he had had all night. Maybe ever.

“Come again?”

“I wanted to go on a date with you. Come on, I can’t even remember the last time I did something fun. Will you please go with me?”

It took him a couple more seconds to answer, but I didn’t have to ask him twice.

“Yes, of course.”

And then Spike did the strangest thing. He stood up and grabbed my hand like a perfect gentlemen while he asked, “Where would you like to go?”

I swear I could feel my eyes sparkle.

**********

Ok, so maybe The Bronze wasn’t the most original place we could’ve gone to. I guess on the creative places to go list it most likely rated one notch below Willy’s bar. But it was kind of late, and The Bronze was the only place I knew for sure would be open and still have music. I’ll admit it, I had felt the sudden urge to go dancing. I wanted to finally be able to let my hair down, so to speak.

As I had expected, there was still music playing in The Bronze, but the place was practically empty. All the single people who had been looking for love and all the sleazebags who just wanted to get someone in bed with them were gone. Now the only people that remained were the young lovers, too distracted in each other to realize the club was practically dead and they should probably get up and leave. The music that was playing was some slow song that I couldn’t remember the name of. That was the only kind of music they played at this time of night. I didn’t have a watch on me, but I figured it was sometime after two o’clock.

*This is perfect.*

For some reason I was feeling really brave at this point. All of my inhibitions had been thrown out the window. I don’t know if I could pinpoint exactly when that happened, but I would guess it was sometime after Spike told me I looked gorgeous.

“Would you care to dance with me?” I decided to act ladylike since Spike had acted like a gentlemen earlier. We could both act the part if we wanted to.

“I would love to,” he said.

We casually walked onto the dance floor together. I’m not quite sure when we started to be like an old married couple. That’s how comfortable we seemed to fit together. Even though neither of us were exactly perfect at slow dancing, my body seemed to melt right against his.

The song that had been playing when we walked in had just ended, and a new one was starting up. I knew the name of this one, it was called “All My Life”. I don’t really know who sings it… How can you blame me? Going out patrolling and saving the world every night does take up a lot of my free time, you know? So I listened to the lyrics of the song while I slow danced with Spike in the middle of The Bronze, our bodies tight up against each other. I realized that this was occurring after I had already broken up with him and wasn’t even sure yet if we were back together. And it was all happening without intoxication or spells of any kind. Wonders never cease.

I Will Never Find Another Lover
Sweeter Than You
Sweeter Than You
And I Will Never Find Another Lover
More Precious Than You
More Precious Than You
Girl You Are..
Close To Me You're Like My Mother,
Close To Me You're Like My Father,
Close To Me You're Like My Sister,
Close To Me You're Like My Brother
And You Are The Only One My Everything
And For You This Song I Sing...

My head had been resting against his shoulder throughout the introduction, but I looked up into Spike’s eyes when the singing started. It really was such a sweet song. I wondered if Spike felt any of those things for me. From his expression and the way his eyes were staring into mine, I figured he did. I had to take a moment to take a deep breath, and I felt it catch in my throat. No one had ever looked at me that way. No one.

All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Thank God
That I…That I Finally Found You
All My Life
I Prayed For Someone Like You
And I Hope That You Feel The Same Way Too
Yes, I Pray That You Do Love Me Too

He was using his blue orbs to search my green ones, I could tell. He obviously wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling. I really wanted to tell him right then all of the feelings I had. I wanted to pledge my undying devotion to him. But I knew this really wasn’t the right place to tell him all that. He had been waiting so long to hear the words, and I wanted to make sure it was perfect. I promised myself I would tell him everything later when he came back home with me. Spike was going with me, I was sure of that. There was no way I could make it through the night if I didn’t have his touch. My body was yearning for him. I could feel my arousal beginning to rise, and I felt his body having similar reactions.

Said I Promise To Never Fall In Love With A Stranger
You're All I'm Thinking Of
I Praise The Lord Above
For Sending Me Your Love
I Cherish Every Hug
I Really Love You

We stayed pressed tightly together for the rest of the song. Eventually the music started to fade, and we reluctantly pulled apart. I could feel my cheeks start to flush, and I knew they must have been red.

“Buffy,” he started to say in a pleading tone. “What’s happening to us?”

“Shhhh.” I put my finger up to his lips before he could say anymore. “Come back home with me. We’ll have some privacy there and then I’ll try to explain everything. I think they’re closing up here soon anyway.”

He nodded in agreement. Our date was over.

Chapter Five

Xander was suddenly wide awake. “Okay, what exactly just happened?”

*I had a dream. No wait, a nightmare. Definitely a nightmare.*

It had been several nights since the not-a-wedding and since he started staying in the cheap motel. He wanted nothing more than to be at his own apartment lying in Anya’s arms. But instead he was here in this strange place having nightmares about the disaster his wedding had turned into. He understood why he was dreaming about that. Xander knew that when you had something on your mind all the time your brain tended to keep thinking about it even while you slept. And he was definitely thinking about what an ass he’d been lately.

But the part about Buffy… well he wasn’t quite sure where that came from. It must have been the subconscious part of his brain trying to tell him something. And the whole thing with Buffy and Spike, well it was really wigging him out. Could any of it possibly be true? Sure he had dreams about his friends often enough, but this one was different. It was so real, so vivid. He couldn’t help wondering if there might be some truth to it.

Xander decided that the best thing to do would be to visit Buffy and just talk to her. He had spent enough time avoiding the issue of Buffy’s return from Heaven and her strange new personality.

Sure she seemed like herself and tried to fake that she was still the same old Buffy, but Xander had noticed a change in her. She was avoiding the entire Scooby gang, even Dawn. She was also keeping her emotions more hidden than she ever did before. She must have been dealing with a lot of pain since her resurrection, but she failed to show it lately and Xander failed to ask about it. He was so wrapped up in the wedding and all of his own demons that he didn’t realize Buffy and Willow were facing demons of their own.

The gang usually had no trouble fighting demons. But these kinds of demons couldn’t be killed with a spell or physical force. They were all internal and those were the hardest kind for Xander of the other Scoobies to face.

But Xander was sick of being a coward. He was sick of always having to run away from his problems. He was going to find Anya and do everything in his ability to show her how sorry he is for all of the pain he caused and how much he still loves her.

*It’s about time I start getting my life back in order.*

But first things first. He would visit the Summers’ home and start rebuilding his relationship with Buffy and Willow.

*Maybe they can even tell me where Anya is. Good thing I have the day off tomorrow. I will go first thing in the morning.*

And with that thought, Xander fell into a dreamless sleep.

**********

Spike and I had left The Bronze. We were walking in silence once again. I tried to stare straight ahead most of the time but I kept feeling my eyes drifting towards his face. He didn’t look back at me though. He was staring ahead and he seemed to be deep in thought. I’m sure he was curious about what I had to say to him but he didn’t bother me about it. This seemed un-characteristic for Spike. Maybe he wanted to make sure he didn’t mess up his chances with me this time. I wish I could tell him that I’m the one who needs to be worried about screwing up this relationship. After all, it’s mostly my fault for how screwed up it is already.

All of a sudden there it was, my front door. We walked up the steps together and entered my house. I closed the door behind us and turned to Spike. He was looking back at me expectantly. The ball was definitely in my court.

“Uh… why don’t we go up to my room? We’ll have to talk quietly so we don’t wake Willow.”

“Okay,” he said.

I led the way up the stairs and Spike followed close behind. I checked Willow’s room to make sure she was asleep. Sure enough, her lights were turned out. I continued to my bedroom and again I closed the door. Spike spoke then, which was good because his silence was starting to scare me.

“You know, I used to come in her a lot last year before you un-invited me. And after you were gone I couldn’t come in here at all. The things in your room would have reminded me of you way too much. I had a hard enough time not thinking about you as it was.”

As he said that, silent tears started to burn my eyes.

“So I haven’t been in here for a while but I know now that you were right.”

“About what?” I asked.

“This place is in serious need of some redecorating.”

I quietly laughed at that. It had been a while since I felt this happy during a conversation with him.

“And as I recall you were going to offer some help with that.”

“Well my offer still stands, as long as you still want me around.”

“Of course I do. I hope you’re not planning on going anywhere.”

“There isn’t any place I’d rather be then with you, Buffy.”

“Me either.”

He looked very surprised. “What?”

“I thought I’d be better off without you. Well as it turns out the opposite is true. My life has been so hard without you, Spike. I… I’ve missed you.”

Those silent tears were becoming very real tears and started sliding down my face. I had never cried in front of Spike before, but as of tonight I had already done so twice. I guess all of the emotions that had been building inside of me for several months finally started to break.

“You wanted to know if I cried?” Well the truth is, I did cry. I cried the first night I broke up with you. I’ve cried myself to sleep practically every night since. There’s been this big whole inside of me. I think you’re the only one who can fill it.”

‘If I let you’ I silently added.

“Oh sweetheart, I don’t want you to cry because of me.”

“I’m not. I’m crying because of me, because it’s my fault. I’m so sorry I hurt you and pushed you so far away. I want… I want to start over again. I want to give us another chance, and I don’t want to use you anymore. I do have feelings for you, Spike. I do like you. I don’t know if I love you. Not because I could never love you, but I just don’t think I’m capable of loving at all right now.”

“I understand pet, I really do. What you need is someone who understands what you’re feeling and can help you through the pain. Let me help you. You don’t belong in the shadows, Buffy. I was very wrong about that. You just need to find your spark again. And remember, I will always love you no matter what.”

“Yes, Spike. I realize that now. Please help me.”

“I will love, I will.”

“So stay with me tonight. Could you please just hold me?”

Then he smiled at me. It was beautiful to see his face light up like that.

“Of course, Buffy.”

I got my pajamas out and changed right in front of him. Spike took off his coat and shirt off, but he left his jeans on as he crawled into my bed. I snuggled up to him and we held each other. I couldn’t help noticing, and not for the first time, how perfect our bodies fit together.

“Promise me something.”

“What’s that pet?”

“Promise you’ll never leave me.”

“I promise. As long as you want me here, I’ll never leave you.”

I smiled then. I felt more content then I had been in a very long time.

*Maybe this is my Heaven on Earth.*

Chapter Six:


Xander’s alarm awoke him from his peaceful slumber at 10:00.

*Ok, gotta get ready for work… oh wait, I almost forgot it’s my day off.*

Xander was just about ready to roll over and fall back asleep when he suddenly remembered what had happened that night.

*My dream! I have to go see Willow and Buffy and find out if Anya is alright.*

Of course she wouldn’t be alright in the emotional sense of the word, but Xander had to make sure she was at least physically ok.

He quickly got out of bed and started his morning routine. After he was done brushing his teeth, combing his hair, and changing into his clothes, Xander felt like he was ready to take on the world. Well actually, he was scared out of his mind at the idea of facing the women in his life. Xander wasn’t sure how Anya would react to seeing him, but he would understand if she never wanted to speak to him again. He just sincerely hoped that that wasn’t the case, even though he did believe that’s what he deserved. And he knew that at least Buffy and Willow would eventually forgive him for being a complete jerk and screwing everything up. That thought filled him with the slightest glimmer of hope.

Xander left his hotel room noticing that the tiny bounce in his step had returned.

**********

Warm and comfy.

That’s the first thought that crawled into my brain as I was slowly freed from sleep’s clutches. But warm and comfy definitely weren’t words to describe what my sleep had been like the previous couple of weeks. Hell, my sleep hadn’t been warm or comfy for the past couple of months. So I wondered why I felt that way.

It was then that the previous night came rushing back to me. Making the revolution about Spike, the admission to Willow, and a date with Spike that ended with him coming back to my place all explained my current feelings of warmth and comfort.

*If I had known that waking up next to Spike felt this good, I would have tried it a long time ago.*

The only time I had ever stayed with him was when Riley came into town, and that had ended very badly and with much embarrassment.

*Gah, Buffy, don’t think about that again! This is a totally different situation. Since Willow’s the only one here and she never enters without permission, there’s no chance of someone just barging in here.*

I was totally wrong about that, but at that moment I had no idea how very wrong I was.

“Buffy?”

I looked up at Spike who was now awake beside me. His voice had broken my train of thought and I forgot all about being walked in on.

“Yeah?”

“How’d you sleep, love?”

The kindness of his words instantly melted my heart and I felt like a lovesick teenager all over again.

“Warm and comfy,” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

“What?”

“I mean good, and much better than I’ve slept in a long time.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

*Yeah, I could definitely get used to this.*

“So what should we do today? I mean tonight, cause well… I gotta go looking for a new job today. And obviously you have to stay inside because of your little sun problem...”

“You quit your job? You finally got out of that hellhole?” It seemed he was happy and pleasantly surprised at the idea of me leaving the Doublemeat Palace.

“Um actually… I didn’t quit. I was fired cause I walked out on the job once.”

His face fell at that.

“Oh.”

“Well I guess you could call that quitting, right?”

“I guess. How come you walked out?”

“Well, you see… it happened when Riley was in town. He found me there somehow and he needed my help finding that demon thing.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, pet. I get it. You’d leave that place for Captain Cardboard but not for me.”

“No, Spike. That’s not it. I just… I couldn’t just stay there when there was evil afoot. And I do admit I was kinda thrown by seeing him again. But…”

I had to pause and stop myself from rambling too much. I looked right into his eyes so that he would hopefully know that I was telling the truth.

“But you’re the one I want to be with now. Not Angel and certainly not Riley.”

He gave me a look of doubt. I could tell this was going to be harder than I thought.

“Or anyone else for that matter. I just want you.”

“Well you got me, sweetheart. No matter what.”

“Good.”

I gave him a warm smile. He smiled back at me and I felt extremely happy. It was a feeling that, not so long ago, I thought I would never experience again. I felt really and truly loved by someone other than my family and friends, and I started to think that maybe I felt the same exact way towards him…

*Whoa, hold on there Buffy. I can’t be thinking about that right now.*

I promised myself that there would be a time when I could act on all of those feelings. But first I had to learn how to love myself.

“Buffy?”

Spike’s voice interrupted my thoughts once again.

“You kinda zoned out there, love. Are you alright?”

“Yeah I’m fine, I was just thinking about…”

But of course I couldn’t tell him what I was really thinking. That definitely wouldn’t have been a good idea. So instead I changed the subject.

“…what exactly you were doing with those demon eggs. I never really gave you the chance to explain that. And it’s ok, I won’t break your nose again I swear.”

“I told you, I was holding them for a friend. Well not really a friend, just some weird guy I met at Willy’s bar. He stayed in the shadows so I wasn’t really sure who he was. I figured he just wanted the eggs for his own private collection. I didn’t realize The Doctor was actually evil. It was just another case of me not using all of my brain I guess. Well to make a long story short, I told him I could hold the eggs in my crypt for a price. He offered me 500 dollars to keep the eggs and another 500 to move them to their next holding place. It seemed like a lot of money to me but I obviously wasn’t going to let him know that. It was an offer I couldn’t refuse and I just… I just wanted to help you out.”

I was totally surprised at that last part. Spike was going to give me the money?

“Help me out?”

“Well yeah, I knew you needed the money. I could still help you out even though there’s only 500 dollars now that I won’t be able to complete the job.”

“Thank you, Spike. That’s really… that’s wonderful. Thank you so much!”

“Not a problem. What would I do with 500 dollars anyway?”

“I don’t know… buy a hundred packs of cigarettes?”

“That’s actually not a bad idea.”

“Hey!”

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. The money is yours.”

“Thanks,” I said again.

*Now how can I show him how grateful I am? Ah I know… this should do the trick.*

Then I leaned up and kissed him. It was supposed to be just a thank you kiss but suddenly it turned into a lot more. The feel of his lips was just too much and I felt myself falling into our old rhythm. Spike started nibbling on my bottom lip and I returned the favor. Unfortunately, when I felt his tongue begin to enter my mouth I had to pause for breath. I gently pushed on his chest and then looked into his eyes.

“I missed you, Spike.”

“God, I missed you too. I missed you so much, Buffy.”

“I want you to know that I told Willow about us. I mean… I didn’t really tell her what exactly we’ve been doing these past few months, but I told her that I was spending time with you and that I had feelings for you. Tara’s the only other one that knows about us, and I did tell her everything. I’m planning on telling Dawn as soon as she gets home. That shouldn’t be too hard since she already likes you. I want us to have a real relationship. No more lies and secrecy. I will tell Xander and Giles too.”

“You will?” He looked at me skeptically.

“Eventually. I know they’ll be the hardest ones to tell, but I promise I will.”

“I believe you.”

He moved in to kiss me again and I gladly accepted the gesture. It started out soft and gentle but wasn’t that way for long. The kiss turned very passionate and I could tell that both of us ached with the need to touch each other after so long. I lifted my leg over his waist to straddle him and simultaneously reached up to cup his face. He softly grabbed at my hair and moved it so it wasn’t covering my eyes. I stopped kissing him for a moment and heard a groan of protest from him until I started exploring his neck with my lips.

*I’m pretty sure he’s gonna like this.*

His moan confirmed my suspicions as I placed several gentle kisses on his neck and then softly bit down.

“So beautiful… God, do you have any idea what you’re doing to me?” he managed to rasp out.

“I think I might have some idea,” I said as I reached down to grab his most sensitive body part which had already grown considerably.

I swallowed up his gasp of pleasure as I kissed him once again. His lips were so very soft, and my ability for thought was quickly leaving me. All I could feel were his talented lips and tongue on my own, his body gently grinding up against mine. I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait any longer. I was able to pull down my pajama bottoms without having to stop the make out session. Spike reached up and started to pull my pajama top over my head. Once that was out of the way, I started reaching for the button on his jeans. As I was just about to go for the zipper, a voice made me freeze my actions. It wasn’t Spike’s voice, however. It was the voice of the person I least expected to hear.

“Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What the hell is going on here?”

I looked over and stared at the person in my doorway with a look of horror.

“Xander?! Don’t you knock?”

There went the idea that no one would barge in on us.