Buffy Summers had every life that a girl could want. Money, friends, looks, everything that someone could wish for. She lived in the best place a girl could ask for. She had a dad and mom who would do anything for her. But that's just what people saw on the inside. They didn't know what it was like to live in her home and her mom and dad always fought. She always thought it was because of her. But it wasn't.

March 18, Buffy Summers walked into school with her friends. She had been gone a lot over the spring break. She and her parents decided to take a so called family trip to Europe. That was the last think that she wanted. She was just happy to be home. Walking to their lockers her friend Spike spoke up, "So, love how was the trip? You cant tell me that you had a bad time the whole time you where there. I mean mummy and daddy gave you everything you want. So why so glum?" He said with a smirk. Spike wasn't always the smartest of the group. He had put your foot in your mouth disease. Buffy just looked at her friends and narrowed her eyes at him, "Listen, Spike you are a great friend and I love you guys to death but just because I have money and everything doesn't mean everything is perfect okay?" She snapped.

Willow looked at Spike and Xander, "You guys I know that I shouldn't say anything but you should know. Her mom and dad don't get a long all that well..And Buffy called me over the summer. He mom and dad are divorcing. They fight to much and they feel that that its not fair to Buffy." After finishing she looked at her friends reactions. Cander then spoke up, "You mean...The Buffster may not be staying here? She can't leave. Did she say why they are divorcing?" He looked at her and then at Spike, " I don't know shit man. She hasn't even said two word to me since she got back. Except snapping at me." The three of them walked off to go find her and head to class. The only one that knew what was also bothering Buffy was Willow.

Sitting in class with her head in her hands, Buffy sat there wondering what she was gonna do. Her dad cheated on her mom. He cheated and didn't want to even try and work things out. Maybe if she had been a better daughter things would have worked out better. She closed her eyes to stop the tears. She loved him so much. More than a friend and she wanted to tell him. Why would it matter anyway? She would be moving away anyway and he could forget about her.

Walking into the classroom and seeing his best friend upset made Spikes heartache for her. He took his seat beside her and looked her in the eyes and gave a small sympathy smile letting her know that he was still here, "I'm here pet. Anytime you need someone to talk to. You where right. I don't know what you are dealing with but I want you to know I want to try." He looked at her and saw that the once happy women he knew was no longer there. Just sadness and pain. But also something else. He sighed, "When do you have to go love?" She sighed and looked up at him. Shaking her head, "I leave in two day. Look I need to talk to you about something. So can we meet at your place around 7?" She asked softly. Spike looked at her and gave a small smile, "Yeah sounds good, love." He turned when the teacher said class was about to start.

The day went in a blur for the four friends. They none wanted her to leave because then there wouldn't be anymore scooby gang. As they all hugged and said their goodbyes for that day Buffy told them she was leaving in two days, "How about we throw you a party tomorrow then, Buffster?" Xander asked his friend since 2nd grade. She smiled and nodded, "OKay it sounds like a plan. See you guys then." She hugged them all goodbye and headed home. Walking into her house hearing fighting she let the tears fall and went to her room. She changed into a black halter and a pare of red leather pants. She was gonna tell Spike tonight how she truly felt. Walking down the steps she went to the kitchen to see her mom crying, "Its really happening huh mom? Im moving with you. I can't look at him the same..." She whispered softly. Her mom hugged her and they ate. Buffy then left and walked down to Spikes. Taking a deep breathe she knocked on the door.

Spike had showered and now had on a black t-shirt and a red button down shirt. A pare of black jeans and his hair slicked back. He never put much effort onto hos wardrobe. But this was Buffy and he wanted to look nice. He still hated that they would be split up. She was the best friend he never had. Waking to the door he opened it up and smirked, "Hey love you look nice. Come in." She smiled and walked in, "So don't you." She walked in and they sat down and got drinks. After talking about the past and laughing for a good hour, Spike got serious and smiled, "So, pet what was it you had to talk to me about?" Buffy's smile faded and she looked down. She took a deep breath. How was she going to do this. She looked up at him and stood up pacing the floor, "Okay lets see. You know I care about you and would do anythind for you. You have always been my shoulder to cry on and always my rock. And I realized that I just don't care for you as a friend anymore....Im In love with you." She whispered and looked over at him.

Spike couldn't think. One minute he was watching he pace the floor with a smile on his face and now here he was in shock. She just told him she was in love with him. He didn't know what to say. He just looked at her dumb founded. Several things ran through his mind. They where friends. Best friends. They couldn't be more. He always thought about her. He looked at her and wanted to speak but couldn't. Those big green eyes looked at him and tears fell, "Im sorry. I shouldn't have said that..I have to go. Goodbye." She turned and ran out of the house to Willows. She sat on the bed and cried, "I told him and he looked at me stupid! Im so STUPID!!" Willow held her best friend, "NO! Sweetie you fell in love. That's all. You fell love."

Spike tried calling her but her cell phone was off. He didn't know what to do. He called Xander and told him that he couldn't make it to the party tomorrow and then he hung up. Sitting there thinking of the old days.

Buffy finished up packing her clothes. She had decided that she was going to go with her mom. Not only because her mom needed her but also because she couldn't stand that her father cheated. She couldn't stand the look of him now. Hank walked in and watched his daughter, "I know that you probably hate me now Buffy but I am sorry. I never wanted this to happen. But it did. I love you and your mom but I hurt you both. Your welcome here anytime that you like." He finished and waited for her to answer. Buffy turned and looked at her father with tears in her eyes, "You know dad? I can't even look at you the same way anymore. I use to look up to you! You where my hero. And now...I just need to go with mom. I will visit." She sighed and turned from him. Not only was she loosing her friends and the man she loved but also her father. She didn't look at him the same way and he knew that. Hank nodded and turned and left. Time was what she needed.

Spike sat in The Bronze with some of his other friends. Angel, and Parker. They weren't as close as he was with Buffy and the others but they tended to hang out. Angel sighed and looked at his friend, "Why didn't you tell her how you felt also man? I mean she is leaving and all so don't you think she deserves to know?" Spike glared at him and just got up, "No because I don't want her leaving and knowing that we can't be together because we are to far apart. So drop it, Peaches." And with that Spike stormed off and headed home.

Buffy was dressing in a red halter and a black leather skirt. Her friends where having her a goodbye party. They wanted to spend their last day having fun. So she agreed. She would miss them all so much. Walking out of her house Buffy walked down the street. So many things running through her mind. Like the fact that she told Spike how she truly felt and also how her father could do something like this. It hurt. Maybe leaving was her best option. Walking into The Bronze, Buffy walked to their normal table and sat by Willow and hugged her, "Thank you guys for doing this. It means a lot." She then hugged Xander and then looked around for Spike. Her eyes narrowing and looking for him. She looked at Xander, "Hey where is Spike at?" She noticed the look her friends exchanged and she nodded in understanding and sighed, "Hes not coming is he?" When they nodded she just accepted it. She pushed it to the back of her mind and her and the two danced and had fun. Around 2am they where walking home, "We will come see you off at the airport tomorrow, Buffster." Buffy gave a small smile and held her tears in. This was her family and she had to leave it behind, "And call. Lots and let us know what its like it Florida okay?" Willow smiled and hugged her bye. Her and Xander headed home after walking Buffy home.

Walking inside her house she looked around. It just wasn't the same anymore as it once was. They where no longer a happy family. Just strangers. As she was heading up to her room her cell phone rang. She looked down at it and realized that it was, Spike. She sighed and answered, "Hello?" Sighing in relief when he heard her voice he spoke, "Hey love I'm sorry that I missed your party tonight." Buffy gave a small laugh, "Hey don't worry about it. You had better things to do than come to a get together to wish me goodbye." She knew she sounded bitter but she told him how she felt and he just looked at her like she had grown a second head. "that's not it, Buffy and you know that. Its more complicated then you think, Pet." Closing her bed room door and taking her boots off she spoke, "No let me make it simple okay Spike? I told you how I felt and you..You looked at me like I grew a second head. These feeling I have for you? I didn't ask to have them okay? But I do. But the least you could have done was come and say goodbye. I know that Willow and Xander are true friends because they are coming to say goodbye tomorrow as well. I should have know you wouldn't have given a shit about me. So no hard feelings okay?" She wiped her tears away. Spike clutched his phone, "Yeah maybe I get tired if hanging out with a snot knows little bitch who has her head so far up her ass she thinks she is better then everyone else. I'd rather spend time with people like me than a bitch like you, Buffy." He sighed and then he heard her sob and then there was a click. He closed his eyes. He didn't mean any of that. None of that was true.

Buffy slammed her phone shut and cried. She held her head in her hands and cried. That's what he thought of her this whole time? Hearing her phone ring she looked and saw it was him. She hit the ignore button. He called 30 times. He called 30 times and she ignored him!!! Spike threw his phone and grabbed his keys. Driving to the Summers home at a 80mph speed limit Spike thought about they past 5 years. He didn't mean to say that to her. She wasn't like that at all. She was the first who had befriended him and she also accepted him when he was 'William' and when he changed she just smiled and looked at him with those green eyes that had trusted him so much and accepted him when he became Spike. Slamming on the breaks in front of her house he ran to the door and pounded on it. He wasn't going to let her leave with things this way.

After taking a shower and brushing her hair, Buffy dressed in a pare of gray baggy sweat pants and a white tank. She just finished pulling her hair up in a bun when she heard pounding. Her dad wasn't here he was out with his whore and her mom was at her Aunt Donnas. Walking downstairs she looked out the window and saw Spike, "Please leave Spike. Im really not in a good mood okay?" When he didn't move and just spoke she sighed, "I'm not going anywhere you stupid bint. I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it and you know that. I love you, Buffy. You know I do." She looked down and spoke, "Yeah as a friend, Spike. And you do see me as what you said or you wouldn't have said it. Now please leave." With that she made sure the door was locked and then she went to her room. "Buffy open this fucking door now!!!" When she didn't he smirked and climbed the tree to her room. The window was opened. He climbed in and waited for her to come in.

Walking into her room with a heavy heart she shut her door. At least he left like she asked him too. Turning the light on she screamed and then glared at him, "What the fuck do you think you are doing, Spike? Trying to kill me? I mean why not do it? You already killed my heart so why not the rest, Now GET OUT." She crossed her arms and looked at him. He was smirking. He walked to her till she was backed up against the door, "Now you listen to me, Summers. I love you more than a friend. You know that. If I didn't why would I have stuck around and been friends with the welp and red. Now I didn't mean anything that I said on the phone. I was pissed and I realized that I was loosing you so I thought it would easier to tell you off and push you away then deal with actually loosing you. I love you Buffy and I'll be here." His lips where near hers and they where so close. And before Buffy got a chance to say something he kissed her. She was shocked at first but then kissed him back wrapping her arms around his neck. Spike lifted her up and allowed her to wrap her legs around him. Buffy moaned against his lip when he lowered them to the bed. She pulled his shirt off his and ran her hands down his chest and kissed it. Spike closed his eyes at the feel of her hands on him. She pulled her shirt off and smirked, "Your beautiful." He smiled at her blushing. After they removed their pants he looked at her, "Are you sure? No going back, Buffy." She nodded. Closing her eyes when he entered her she hissed. He looked at her and kissed her all over the face, "Im sorry baby. It will be better I promise." He stayed still allowing her to adjust to him. When she nodded he started with slow thrusts. Buffy wrapped her legs around him, "Spike...I..I oh god." She moaned and arched against him. Before they knew it they where screaming the others name. "I love you, pet." She smiled and looked at him, "I love you too."

And that was the last time she saw him. The next morning he was gone. No note not a thing. Standing in the airport in tears she hugged Willow and Xander goodbye. She smiled softly, "I'll be back you guys." She whispered, "Goodbye." She was hurt that he didn't call or anything. Leaving her friends hurt more than anything but him leaving after they made love and not calling or coming today. That's what hurt the most. Waving goodbye to her friends and dad she climbed on the plane and sat down with her mom, "Its a new start baby. We can start over and everything will be okay." Joyce kissed her forehead and Buffy nodded and just let the tears fall.

Spike ran to the airport. He had to tell her he was sorry that he left but he got scared and needed time. He had never ran so fast in his life. But he was too late, "Your too late Spike. She's gone." Xander said and led a tearful Willow away. Spike stood there in shock watching the plane fly away. His heart broke and he couldn't even think how she felt. He watched the plane disappear. She would come back. He just knew it. He loved her and she loved him. He would find her. He would call her later as well. He couldn't let her think that he left because of what they shared. He left because he was scared her dad would come home and also his feelings for someone had never been this strong.

Watching as Sunnydale dissapeared she watched her old life and friends disappear. It was a new beginning and it would be fine. They would be fine.

Five years passed and Buffy was now 23. She had talked to Willow and Xander everyday. She even talked to Spike. He explained why he left and she forgave him. They none lost contact over the years. But Spike had moved on and was dating some girl named Drusilla. That's why they lost contact so much. She still talked to Willow and Xander. Who where getting married. So now she had to go home because she was the maid of honor and they all knew she had a son. His name was Billy Ray Summers. And he was her world. Spike knew it was his but he didn't want anything to do with it. And she was fine with that.

Her five year old son looked at her, "Am I gonna get to meet daddy mommy?" She looked at her son as they where on the plane. She smiled softly and nodded, "Yeah baby you can meet him if you like." She kissed his forehead. She knew she wasn't the same girl she once was. She went into cosmotogly school and now she had her own shop. She loved it. But her son was her main priority. And that was fine with her. The past couple years had been hard. She came home one day to find her mother had died. She passed away from a tumor. Giled..Her mothers boyfriend who was like a father came to her. He watched Billy while she was depressed. That was the last time she saw her mom. Her friends flew in from Sunnydale for the funeral. Even her dad. And that was the day Spike told her, "Listen love I met someone. She's great. And I don't want anything to do with him. We live so far apart so why care. What we had...well It wasn't anything much was it?" Buffy looked at him in tears and just nodded, "Whatever, Spike. Just please leave." That was the last time she saw or even heard from him. He did try and call and leave messages apologizing but she never called back.

Landing at the airport she was greeted by Willow and Xander. She hugged them and then Billy hugged them, "Aunt Willow, Unlce Xander!!! I missed you!" Buffy smiled and they loaded up and went to their place. When she walked in she dropped her suitcase and looked at him. He looked at the same but also different, "Hello, Buffy." She held her little boys hand and just looked at him with a blank expression, "Hello, William." And that's when he knew she wasn't the Buffy he knew. She would never be. He looked at the little boy and saw himself in him, "Hi Billy how are you?" Billy just looked at him and hid behind his mommy, "Come on Billy lets get you in your room while mommy and Spike talk." Willow and Xander led him upstairs.

Looking at him she glared, "What the hell gives you the right to talk to him! What the hell gives you the right to be here?? You may be Xander's best man but you made it perfectly clear you didn't want anything to do with either of us! I had to tell that little boy that you didn't care! He had to deal with seeing other kids with their daddy's! And he would ask me all the time if he did something wrong! I had to lie and say that YOU didn't care. So DON'T act like you care. Because if you cared you would have been there. You woul dhave moved there and you would have tried. We could have been together and been perfect. We could have been a family. You hurt me on the day of my moms funeral. I needed you. HE needed you and you acted like we where nothing to you. You wanted a clean break. So you left me for someone who..Who left you. I would have never left you. I would have stayed by your side and loved you. But I guess I wasn't good enough. Tell me, Would you have waited for me if you didn't knock me up? Is that it? You got me pregnant and you couldn't deal. How do you think I felt when I had to raise him on my own! I cried for months because you didn't want me. But I realized. There's nothing wrong with me. Your the fuck up. All I did was love you." She was in tears almost. But she wouldn't cry. Not in front of him.

Spike glared at her and advanced a bit, "Me? Your the one who left dammit!!! You left! Yeah I didn't want anything to do with you guys but if I could do it all over again I would have been there! But I met someone who dumped me because I'm still in love with you!" He yelled. Buffy looked at him and shook her head. She backed away,"Yeah I love you too. But I don't want you. Not anymore. Now if you'll excuse me. I have to go up with MY son." She turned. Spike could tell something else was wrong. She was too thin and then he saw the cuts. He sat down and couldn't believe this.

The women that he knew wouldn't do this. But she wasn't the same girl he knew at one time. She had been through so much. He let her down when she needed him. And he let her down. He walked up to the little boys room and watched him play. Then he went to the guest room and his tears fell.

Walking up to the bathroom, Buffy closed her eyes and shut the door. Two people. Two different rooms. Cried each others tears, Both still in love. One of them knowing they screwed up and the other lost with a child. Both sobbed for themselves and the other.


"Everytime"

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

song by Britney Spears

The next few days where a blur for Buffy and her son. Spike for some odd reason was trying to have a relationship with her son. Part of her didn't want to allow that. But the other part of her knew that it would be for the best. She still wouldn't give him a chance though. Not after not wanting anything to do with her and his son for five years. For now though she would allow that. Billy laughed when his dad threw him in the pool, "Daddy!! Get mommy get mommy!" He yelled. Spike looked over at Buffy and smirked. Looking at him made her heart melt, "No. Don't touch me, Spike." And with that she smiled at Billy and walked inside. She went upstairs and tears fell. She lifted her sleeve up and looked at the barely there scars. She grabbed the razor and cut her wrist. This made the other pain she felt go away. A few minutes past and she wipped her wrist and put a bandade on it. Walking out she ran right into, Spike.

He knew what she was probably going to do. So he tucked Billy in for his nap and went and waited for her. He grabbed her arm hard and pulled the sleeve up. He shook his head and looked at her with disgust, "What the hell, Buffy? You have a son and you do this? Why? Are you trying to kill youself? Do you want you fucking life to end when you have so much to go for?" He yelled. He didn't mean to but this wasn't the women he knew 5 years ago. Of course it wouldn't be. She had a child and he blew her off. She pushed him away and wiped her tears away, "No!! It makes the other pain go away. The only time I'm happy is when I'm with that little boy! He's the only thing I have now! But he deserves a better mother than me! I was 18 when I had him Spike. I was in love with you and thought you would be there with us but you just turned you back on me when you found out you knocked me up! You have no idea what kind of hell me and that little boy went through! So DON'T act like you give a rats ass about us because you don't." She was in tears by now.

Spike looked at him and felt his own tears form. He knew that he wasn't there, but did she really think that she didn't have anybody, "Buffy I'm here for you. I always have been. I know that what I said..Was messed up but I didn't mean it. I was scared and didn't know what to do. But you can't keep doing this to yourself. You can't keep hurting yourself. And that little boy? He has the perfect mother right here. You may not see that but its the truth. He looks up to you and me. I may have not been there in the beginning but I want to be there now. Not for you but for him. I want to help you though. This isn't the women I fell in love with. I'm sorry baby for everything." Buffy looked at him and went into his arms and cried, "After the wedding..Will you help me? I know I need help but I can't do this on my own..Please?" She was so lost and broken. And he knew that there was something else that caused her pain. But in time he knew that she would tell him. "I hated you, you know? At first. But I can't hate you anymore." She whispered.

Picking her up he carried her to her room and ran a hand through her hair, "Maybe you should start singing again love. You always loved that. I'll help you. I'm here and I won't leave you again." She just nodded and dozed off to sleep. He ran his fingers through her hair. He hated seeing her like this. She had a whole life ahead of her to live. And he would make sure she lived that life.

Waking up, Buffy looked at the alarm clock and saw it was close to 6pm. She stood up and looked around. He wasn't there. She sighed and walked down stairs to see him and Billy making sandwitches. She smiled, "Hey you two what are you up to?" Spike smiled, "Well making mommy here something to eat. So sit down and all of us will eat together." He pulled a chair out for her and she sat. "Mommy!! Daddy let me help cook! But I made a mess but its okay! We cleaned it up." He sat on her lap and smiled and gave her a sloppy kiss, "Aww thank you baby. Mommy is very happy." She smiled at Spike, "Thank you for watching him. And for earlier. It ment alot to me." He just nodded and gave her his smirk, "Maybe you can thank me later?" He saw her look and nodded with a smile, "Just playing, Buffy." She smiled and started eating her hamburger. She knew Spike was worried and she was also greatful that he was here to help her.

They tucked Billy in and then heard to her room. They sat on the bed in silence for what seemed like forever, "I have some things I need to tell you that also happened the past 5 years. Some good...Alot bad. But you can't get mad and you can't go out and try and kill someone okay?" Spike looked at her and took a feep breath, "Okay love. The floor is all yours." She smiled a bit and took a deep breath.

"I Can't Hate You Anymore"

An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.
...I can't hate you anymore.

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore [x2]

Standing across the room from Spike felt like it was the best thing to do, "Okay this is what happened." She sat in the chair and started, "When we moved I found out that I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it at first but then I accepted it. Mom..Well she was disappointed but she stood beside me. So through my pregnancy I started working at this shitty ass diner." She took a deep breath, "Well mom had started dating this guy named, Ted. I didn't like him at all. Something about him seemed really funny and all. And when I told my mom she just told me that it was my hormones. I knew it wasn't though. So anyway they where dating and after 3 months of dating he moved in. And yes at the time you and I where still talking but I didn't want anybody else to know. I thought maybe mom was right it was just my wacky hormones. So, anyway. When he moved in he just became so..Controlling like. See down at the diner I met a few people around my age and was hanging out with them and all. Well, Ted didn't think they where good people to hang out with because I was pregnant. And they where great people. So he told my mom that they did drugs and all and that wasn't true. But of course she believed him. So I was 3 months along right? Well after a while the least little think I did...he would get pissed. Then mom was out getting grocery's. I told, Ted I was going for a walk. He said no I was not. I just told him he wasn't my father and I could do as I liked." tears welled up in her eyes, "So he grabbed my arm and called me a worthless little tramp. Then.. Then he slapped me and I fell. He then pulled my hair and hit me again telling me if I ever speak back to him again..He would kill me and my baby. So I kept my mouth shut and just covered the bruises up with make up. The abuse kept up for 3 years. He never raised his hand to Billy. Never. And then when mom found out she left him. I was 21 and living with her still. She found out and made him leave. So I was on my way home from work and he attacked me. He beat me up and... and he raped me. He said that I was nothing and that I didn't deserve to live. Lilly..My boss found me and rushed me to the hospital. I told the police what happened and they arrested him. But his words still live with me everyday. And my mom even blamed me for it all. Told me that I was a whore. And worthless.And the day she died...We had a huge fight. I told her that she was a drunk because she told me I wasn't a good mother. And she was.Billy was at daycare and I walked in the house..And she was dead. I never got to tell my mom that I loved her and that I was sorry. And that she was the best mother anyone could have." She was in tears and sobbing. He was the only person who knew all this.

Spike sat still and quiet through the whole story. Not once did he move. He wanted to kill Ted and all but he didn't say anything. The man was in jail. And how could Joyce do that to her? He stood up and walked to her. Taking her in his arms they both cried, "I'm sorry baby. I should have been there. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry you went through that." He sobbed into her hair and she sobbed into his chest. This was what they needed. A release. She had to start with letting go of the past. And this was the way.

A month had past since that night she told him about everything. And he had gotten her help. She was seeing a professional. But she was doing better. Today was Willow and Xanders wedding. Buffy had on a pink strapless dress and stood and watched them exchange vows. Willow wore a white dress that was strapless and it had glitter and beads on the top and then it flowed out and had a long train. Her hair was up in curls. Xander looked handsome. He had a tux on and they where so in love. But she couldn't keep her eyes off of, Spike. He looked amazing. But that night he broke the news to her. He was seeing someone and they where in love. She accepted that. Well that's what she said. But that was okay because she could deal.

At the reception Buffy was dancing with her son and having a blast. She had officially moved back to Sunnydale and she was doing better. She picked her son up and looked over to see, Spike and his girlfriend holding each other close. It still hurt but he didn't deserve a mess up like her. She smiled softly and said her goodbyes to Willow and Xander, "I'll see you guys when you get back from your honeymoon." She hugged them bye and then let Billy tell his dad bye, "I see you tomorrow daddy?" Spike smiled, "Of course little man. I love you and be good." He didn't look Buffy in the eyes. He turned to his girlfriend who was, Tara. She was nice, funny, smart. And he loved her. He did. That's what he kept telling himself.

Taking Billy to his dad's the next day, Buffy hated that she was still in love with him but it was over. Yes they shared a son together but otherwise they weren't the same people. Walking to the door she knocked, "Hey, Buffy come in." Tara gave her a smile. Buffy liked Tara. She was good for Spike, "Thanks, Tara." Walking in she waited for Spike, "Hey! There's my little guy." he picked him up and smiled at Buff, "Well I will be gone now. I will pick him up tomorrow. Bye Billy." She kissed him goodbye and left.

Tara loved, Spike but she knew he wasn't in love with her. He loved her but he was IN love with Buffy. But she would wait to end. Right now he needed her and she would be here. But she couldn't be here much longer. Spike watched Buffy walk away. She was doing better. She looked like the girl she was 5 years ago and he was happy. He helped that.

Driving to work, Buffy sighed and a soft smile formed on her face. At least she was happy. She was finally home and she had what she once had before. And that she was greatful for.

"Sometimes in life you just gotta live. Because even though you aren't with the person you love...Doesn't always mean things are bad. You have your family and friends. That's what means the most. Even if you can't let go. So this is my song." Buffy smiled when the Bronze people applauded. She started to sing.Never knowing Spike was there.

Can't Let Go
Written by M. Carey and W. Afanasieff

There you are holding her hand
I am lost
Dying to understand
Didn't I cherish you right
Don't you know you were my life

Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go

Just cast aside
You don't even know I'm alive
You just walk on by
Don't care to see me cry
And here I am
Still holding on
I can't accept
My world is gone
No no

Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go

Oh
Do you even realize the sorrow
I have inside
Everyday of my life
Do you know the way it feels
When all you have just dies
I try and try to deny that I need you
But still you remain on my mind

Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go
No I just can't get you out of my mind
I never can say goodbye
'Cause every night
I see you in my dreams

Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go

After finishing the song Buffy smiled and walked off stage. Heading out Spike grabbed her by the arm softly, "Billy is with Giles and I love you. I never stopped." And before she could reply he kissed her passionately.

One minute she was on stage singing and then the next she was being kissed by, Spike. She didn't know what to do. She was shocked but then soon she kissed him back. He pushed her against the wall and she wrapped her arms around his neck. Pulling away for a minute he kissed down her cheek to her neck sucking slightly. Buffy moaned and tilted her head back. This was what they both missed. The feeling of each other.

Buffy finally came to her senses and pushed him away from her and looked at him, "What the hell do you think that you are doing?" She asked in full rage. Spike smirked and cocked his head to the side, "I think I was making it obvious. I was kissing you. You do know what that is right?" Buffy glared at him, "You idiot!!! You are seeing someone! And, Tara loves you. I am not going to do this to her because I like Tara. She is sweet. And you! How could you do this to her? Just please leave me alone, Spike!" She turned to walk away from him. Spike grabbed her arm and made her look at him, "NO! You listen to me, Summers I WILL NOT let you slip away from me again. Not now. Not when I have you so close to me. I can't loose you. Not again." All she wanted to do was jump in his arms but she couldn't. She didn't want to make that mistake again. So she said that one thing that would hurt him, "I was never yours to begin with. And also..Your beneath me." She said with tears in her eyes and then she pulled away from him and started to walk away.

Spike stood there and clenched his jaw and fist then yelled at her, "Yeah? I may be beneath you now but your the whore who got fucking knocked up. That's why I slept with you because I knew you where desperate and I felt sorry for you. You are still the same as you where. A little whore who can't keep her leg's closed." Buffy looked at him in tears and shook her head. Then glared, "Look who is talking! Drusilla slept behind your back for years. She never loved you, Spike. No wonder! Your nothing! You don't even have a job! Your a pathetic piece of shit!" He never meant to. But he did. He slapped her across the face. Looking at him she held her cheek and then punched him, "I hate you! You low ritcious self-centered ass hole!" She walked away. Spike stood there and tears filled his eyes, "NO! I'm sorry baby! Please come back to me. Please come back."

It was the wedding. Willow and Xander where finally tieing the knot. And she was so happy for them. Buffy had on a beautiful green dress. It was strapless and brought her eye color at. She looked at Billy. He was the Ring bearer. He looked so handsome. And then there was, Spike. It had been a month and they hadn't said to words to each other and now they had to walk down the isle together. She looked at him and there was no expression on her face, "Where is Tara?" He looked at her, "Hi to you to and she left me. You look nice, Love." She looked at him, "Wish I could say the same to you." Seeing he was about to talk she interrupted him, "No..Don't. There is no chance for us. If there was it is gone now." And with that she took his arm and they walked. She didn't hate him but he hurt her. Not just physically but emotionally. She could never trust him.

Spike had never felt this empty in his life. Through the ceremony he watched Buffy. He never took his eyes off her. She was a goddess and he ruined that chance a long time ago. And he had to accept that. After the Wedding they went to the reception. Walking in, Buffy went and sat down. Watching, Billy play around. He came over, "Mommy can I go outside on the playground and play?" She smiled, "Yeah but be careful." She smiled and watched him play. She looked around and saw that she was the only one not dancing. She smiled when Xander came up and asked her to dance, "So how are you, Buff?" He asked. He always looked out for her, "I'm...Here you know. I'm okay." She smiled and then her smiled faded, "I want to hate him you know? I want to just push him out of my mind but no matter what I can't." Tears fell, " Five years went bye and he didn't want us. And now that I'm back he thinks....But it won't happen." She whispered and Xander smiled at her, "You have grown up a lot, Buffster. You have been through a lot more than any of us. And you know what? You can't help who you love. Maybe you guy's can't ever be together but then again I think if you both want it. You can be. And you guy's have a beautiful son together." Buffy smiled and looked at him. She kissed his cheek and sat back down.

Spike sighed. He wanted to dance with her. So he was going to take that chance. He walked over and they looked at each other, "Yes, Spike I will dance with you." He smiled and she smiled as well.

"I'm Your Angel"

No Mountains too high, for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No rivers too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears cast them on me
I just want you to see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It doesn't have to be this way, let me show you a better day

And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep up safe and warm
And I know we will survive

And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

Looking into his eyes she smiled, "This isn't a way back into my heart, William. But this is a chance to be there for Billy and make me see that I can trust you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and also the worst. So take a pick." She whispered and looked at him, "Okay love. I will do this. I will move in and get a job." he ran a hand over her cheek, "I won't ever hurt you again." And she believed him. She looked outside. She didn't see, Billy. "Spike? Billy isn't outside." She ran out there. He was gone. His jacket was there. "BILLY!!! BILLY WILLIAM MARSTERS!!!! Answer me!!!" When they didn't find him she called the police.

"Miss we will do all that we can. But you need to stay here in case he calls." She nodded. When they got home they found a note saying Bring 1,000,000 dollars or your kid dies, Buffy. I will call later and give you the details. But that call never happened. They didn't find Billy that week. And Buffy blamed herself.

"Your mother is nothing. Yes I will give you back to your daddy but...Your mommy will die" The man told Billy. Billy just cried. He wanted his mommy and his daddy. He was so scared.

TBC

Any ideas who the kidnapper is?

Sitting in the living room Buffy knew that she shouldn't do this. She knew that she should wait and tell, Spike and the police. But she couldn't just sit around and wait for them. She had not told them but Ted called. He called and told her to bring the money alone and do not bring anybody or he would kill Billy. So she stood up and grabbed the money. She looked up the steps and heard the shower on. Walking out the door, Buffy stood in the alley way and waited for him to show up. She just prayed that she was doing the right thing and that her son was alive.

Dragging Billy down the alley he smirked. Seeing her there he knew that this was going to be a lot of fun and he knew that no one would save her. He slapped the little boy when they where in front of her, "Mommy!!! Please make the bad man stop" Billy cried. Buffy looked at him and threw the money on the ground by Ted, "Let him go, Ted. There is your fucking money. Now leave us the hell alone." He smirked and threw Billy to his mom. Buffy caught him and hugged him tight. That's when Ted pulled her away from him by the hair, "Billy!! Go get daddy!! Hurry." The little boy ran as fast as his little legs could carry him.

Ted threw Buffy across the alley and into the wall. She screamed when pain shot through her body, "Ted..Please don't do this. Just leave me alone." She yelled through pain. But Ted did not stop. He pulled her hair and then slapped her making her fall, "You know? No wonder your father hated you! Your nothing but a little whore. That's why Spike didn't stay and come back to you. Because he knew that you where nothing but a little whore." He kicked her in the side repeatedly. Buffy tried to crawl away. But he grabbed her legs and then stabbed her right one. She screamed and tried to push him away. So she did what she could. She scratched his face and the made him even angrier. He slapped her several times. Then he ripped her shit and grabbed her breast roughly. She screamed and cried, "No stop it you sick fuck!!!" She yelled as much as she could. He ripped her jeans and then he freed himself and raped her. There was no mercy. He bruised her and broke her. She screamed. When he was finished he zipped himself up and then pulled the knife back out and stabbed her stomach, "You won't have to worry about living anymore Buffy. That's why your mother blamed you. Your nothing but a thing and your worthless." She saw the gun. But the last thing she remembered hearing was a gun shot.

Waking up in the hospital she looked around. She didn't remember everything that had happened. She remembered bits and pieces but that was all that she remembered. She looked over and saw someone. Her vision was blurry but soon it became clearer. It was, Spike. Tears filled her eyes, "What happened? Is Billy okay?" Spike jumped when he heard the soft husky voice. He stood and walked beside her and took her hand, "He is fine. Just bruised up and scared. He's with Willow and Xander. Why would you go alone, Buffy? Why?" He whispered. She took a deep breath which cause her broken ribs to hurt more, "He was gonna kill him, Spike. He was gonna kill my baby and I couldn't let him." She looked at him and then the doctor came in, "Miss Summers your awake. That is a good thing. We weren't sure you would make it. You had internal bleeding and your ribs where broken. You lost a good amount of blood. If the police wouldn't have gotten there you would have died. But we will release you in a few days after we see how you wounds have mended." Then he walked out.

Looking at Spike she could tell that it had to have been a couple of days, "How...How long have I been out?" She whispered. Looking at her he shrugged, "A week. They didn't think... But I knew that you would make it. I knew that you where strong." He gave her a weak smile and when she asked what happened he told her. At the end she was in tears. He held her gently. He knew this would take a long time for her to heal. Not just physically but mentally. But he knew that she was strong and that she would survive. She would and so wouldn't he. They all would.

Three months passed and Buffy had closed herself off from everyone. She couldn't stand the way they acted and looked at her. She knew that they felt bad and everything but all she wanted was to be the same girl she once was. And she wanted them to see that she could be. She didn't go back to her old ways though. She was strong. That's what she kept telling herself. But she was a bad mother. She barely even looked at Billy. Today was his birthday and she heard them all down stairs and the playing and everything. She couldn't stand that she wasn't apart of that. She hated that she was scared to trust her friends now. But how could she.

The party ended and Billy went home with Willow and Xander. Spike was sick and tired of the way she was acting. He knew that she was in pain but she had no right to treat any of them like this, "Spike just don't hurt her okay?" Spike smirked, "I won't. She will be the Buffy we knew five years ago." He hugged Willow and kissed his son bye. He stomped up the steps and tried her door. Locked. "Open this fucking door now Buffy Anne or I will kick it down." When she answered she was cold and harsh, "Fuck you, Spike. Leave me alone. I don't feel like putting up with your shit." Then she screamed when he kicked the door down, "Hey!!! Your going to pay for that!" She yelled and pointed at the door, "Yeah and your gonna GROW THE FUCK UP! Get over it Buffy. Its been three months. And your hiding away from all of us! Just because they look at you and want to help you doesn't mean they fucking feel sorry for you. Maybe you deserved what happened to you." He knew he was harsh but this was the only way to make her see. She glared at him and yelled, "How the hell can you say that I deserved to get almost beat to death, stabbed, and raped? No body fucking deserves that! You don't get it! None of you do! Its my fault Billy was kidnapped! I let him go out alone! I should have been there!!" There she had said it. Spike never thought it was her fault. Not once but he looked at her, "It was no ones fault. You listen to me. Your going to start eating and your going to start going out more. DON'T talk. And if you don't. I will have you sent away."

She stood there gaping at him. He was serious! The fucking bastard was serious. She walked up to him and took a deep breath. Then she slapped him. She smiled. That felt good. She felt like her old self again. Spike smirked and caught her wrist, "that's my girl. Your strong love. NOW SIT DOWN!" She stood and stuck her chin in the air and challenged him. He shrugged and picked her up and sat her on the bed. "Talk to me, Buffy." She looked at him and started, "I feel like I'm worse than anyone. Honestly, I'm beneath them. My friends, my boyfriends.You. I feel like I'm not worthy of your guys' love. 'Cause even though you all love me, it doesn't mean anything 'cause your opinions don't matter. You guys don't know. You haven't been through what I've been through. Your not me. No one is. I am me. Sometimes I feel..This is horrible but sometimes I feel you all deserve better then me."

Looking in her green eyes he shook his head. He smiled and took her hand, "You listen to me. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of: you. Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy." When he was finished Buffy smiled and kissed him on the lips.

Six months passed and things for the friends where looking up. Buffy even went into counsoling and was finsihing up her last appointment today. Things where diffrent for her and Spike. They wern't dating but they where once the friends that they where before. So that was a plus. The only diffrence was that Willow and Xander where married.

After all that had happened things turned out for the best. Things where going smoothly and Buffy and Spike's son was even happier than he was at one time. So that was also a plus. Buffy was now working at The Double Meat Palace. Spiek didn't approve of that because he didn't think it was the best place for her. He offered to pay for things and take care of them but Buffy refused. She didn't want him to feel that he had to take care of them. It was just so...wrong.

Walking into her house she was greeted my her son, "hey mommy can I stay wih Aunt Willow and Uncle Xander?" Buffy nodded, "Yeah let me clean up and you get your stuff okay? Then Mommy will take you over." She kissed his head and went upstairs to change. It was good because she had a gig at the Bronze tonight. So now she knew that he would be okay and she wouldn't feel bad about asking Spike to watch him again. Working two jobs was hard but it pain the bills.

Changing into a black spaghetti strap and red leather pants she headed down after curling her hair. She put her boots on and then went to her son, "Okay baby you ready?" He nodded. Billy was her pride and joy. He was her world and it took her a long time to relize it but she did and was thankful for him.

Walking to Willows door Buffy knocked. She smiled as her son was so excited because he would get to play video games with Uncle Xander, "Buffy hey come in." She hugged her best friend and walked in and her smile faded when she saw Spike with another women. She put a fake smile on, "Thanks you guys. He wanted to stay with you so I thought about not letting him but thank you for coming throught." She smiled. Billy ran to his daddy and jumped on his lap, "Daddy why you here?" Spike looked at him, "Me and Faith are visiting with Willow and Xander." Billy looked at Faith, "Who she?" He pointed with a funny face, "This is daddys girlfriend." Buffy stood there and then turned and headed to the car. She tried to tell herself it didn't bother her that he was seeing someone else. But she knew it did.

Watching the other girl leave Faith knew that she was suprised and hurt. But she was prettier than Buffy was anyway and she had her man. Watching Spike stand up she looked at him, "Where you going hunny?" Spike sighed, "I will be back okay?" He kissed her and headed out to Buffy's car. He saw her sitting there debating with herself. He walked over and pecked on the window. She sighed and rolled the window dow, "Hey what's up?" She said with a fake smile.

He hated when she faked to be okay. And especially when it was with him. He knew her better than anybody here and he knew when she wasn't okay and when she wasn't. "Why did you run out like that? I know you are hurt that I didn't tell.." She interuppted him, "You know what? Just go back in there, Spike. Im your friend thats all. You don't owe me an explanation. You can see who ever you want. I don't have a say in your life or what you do." He looked at her and sighed, "I will be there to see you perform tonight." With that he walked away and ran into Faith at the door.

Starting her ca she headed to The Bronze. She didn't care if he showed up or if he didn't. She kept telling herself that, "Keep telling yourself that, Summers and maybe you will believe it." She walked in and headed up to the stage to set up and practice. The blub wasn't open yet so that gave her enough time to practice.

"Faith not now. I am not in the mood to argue." He yelled. Sometimes this bint was worse than Harmony. Itsnot like she loved him or anything. So why should he even start to care if he hurt her feelings. After the fight she told him he was nothing and that Buffy would never love him and then she left.. He knew Faith was a whore and a bitch so why was he dating her? Because she was everything Buffy wasn't. Buffy was full of love and light and hope. Faith was dark. Complete opposite. And it didn't help. He still loved Buffy,

The club started to fill up and get busy. Buffy served the customers their drinks. She made good tips that was for sure. It was now time for her to get up and sing. She had heard rumors about her. Most where by girls who she use to go to school with and some where by older people. Ever since the incident with Ted it was in the paper and knews. He had done it before to girls and killed them, She survived. Some people praised her for it and others told her that she deserved it. But she didn't care what they thought.

Walking into the club Spike ordered him a drink and watched as Buffy was walking onto stage to sing. He went to the front and waved. She waved back despite her feelings, "Hey everybody, This is a new song I wrote. Not only am I sick of people judging me but all I have to say is what I do is none of your buisness." The music started.

"My Prerogative"

[Spoken:]
People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth
But the question is..
Can you handle mine?

They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Getting boys is how I live
Some ask me questions
Why am I so real?
But they don't understand me
I really don't know the deal about my sister
Trying hard to make it right
Not long ago
Before I won this fight

[Chorus:]

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
that's my prerogative
(it's my prerogative)

It's the way that I wanna live (it's my prerogative)
You can’t tell me what to do

Don't get me wrong
I'm really not souped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships really gets me down
I see nothing wrong in spreading myself around

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
That’s my prerogative

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
that's my prerogative

It's the way that I wanna live (it's my prerogative)
You can’t tell me what to do

why can't I live my life
without all of the things
That people say
oh oh

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative (they say I’m crazy)

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live? (they say I’m nasty)
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
(it's my prerogative)