Summary: A little something about who Buffy will end up with....Angel or Spike?
Categories: Porn w/o Plot fics Characters: None
Genres: Romance
Warnings: Adult Language, Sexual Situations
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 2
Completed: Yes
Word count: 4035
Read: 5720
Published: 04/30/2004
Updated: 04/30/2004
part 1 by pattyanne
Buffy's Decision
Author: Pattyanne
Summary: A little one act playlet about who Buffy will end
up with: Spike or Angel?
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Angel: You have to choose.
Buffy: I know. It's a tough decision.
Spike: No, it's not. You've just been programmed to
think that it is.
Buffy: What's THAT supposed to mean?
Spike: I dunno. Just seems like you let other people do most
of your thinking for you and they always seem to be making
bad decisions.
Angel: Stop picking on her!
Spike: (Annoyed sigh) Oh, fine. Let's do it the scientific way.
Buffy: I don't think so. I failed science twice.
Spike: That's just cause you were never in class. Get a piece
of paper and pencil....now draw a line down the middle...label
one side 'Spike' and one side 'Asshole'....I mean, 'Angel'. Sorry.
Angel: Oh, this is VERY scientific.
Spike: Change it back to 'Asshole'. No? Right then...answer me
some questions. Who helped you save the world three
times?
Buffy: You did.
Spike: Put a little X on my side of the paper. That's my girl.
Angel: Technically, I helped with the last one, too.
Spike: Yeah. You made that long grueling trip from LA
to deliver a necklace. Right dangerous THAT was.
Angel: Hey! That necklace was key!
Spike: All right. Give him half an X. Satisfied? Now, who
DIED helping you save the world?
Buffy: You did. I know, I know...I'm X-ing.
Angel: Excuse me? Acathla?
Spike: Are you fucking kidding me? You didn't volunteer
for that, you buggering moron!
Angel: I still died.
Spike: You came back!
Angel: So did you!
Spike: That's different.
Buffy: Hey! Can we get to the next question please?
Spike: No X for you, Peaches.
Buffy: He's right, Angel. Besides, you started that one.
Spike: Hey, that's right! Take off that half an X.
Angel: Wait a second!
Buffy: Next question, please!
Spike: Who's better in bed?
Angel: Hold it!
Spike: What? That's something a girl has to think about
when she's making a decision like this.
Angel: Are you implying that you're better?
Spike: Ask the lady.
Angel: Buffy? Say something!
Buffy: Oh, um...well...I just...you know...we...you and me...we
only...just the one time...and then you...and I was...you
know, young...I didn't really have any...um...and you're kind
of...and Spike is really....I mean...oh, but...THAT doesn't
count...much. You know, I think...um...."
Spike: Well, I think THAT little speech is grounds for a great BIG
X on my side, don't you, Peaches?
Buffy: And besides...we should be...not totally basing this on...on
who's...although...a girl DOES have to think about these things
when...well...and...and....oh, dear..."
Spike: What's wrong, baby?
Buffy: I'm thinking about it. God, Spike...it's been so long.
Spike: Soon, baby. I promise. Mark down the X now.
Angel: This is SO not fair. She loved ME first!
Spike: Well, she loves ME now!
Angel: I am NOT bad in bed!!!!
Spike: Buffy? Who gave you more orgasms? Me or the poof?
Buffy: Let me think. (Begins counting under her breath)
Angel: THAT is a totally unfair question!
Spike: Whoever told you that life is fair? If life was fair, we
wouldn't even be having this discussion.
Buffy: (still counting) 122, 123, 124....
Angel: I was only with her one night. You had months with her.
Spike: It's not MY fault you only had one night. You're the one
couldn't control his demon.
Buffy: 182, 183, 184...
Angel: And you could?
Spike: I did. For years.
Angel: You had a chip!
Spike: Oh, buggering Christ...here we go.
Buffy: 210, 211, 212....
Spike: The chip meant nothing, asshole! I could have gotten
around it if I'd wanted to.
Buffy: 229, 230, 231....my hand is starting to cramp.
Spike: Sorry, baby. You can stop with the Xs now.
Buffy: I need another piece of paper.
Spike: Now, let's discuss....
Angel: Wait a second. Not even one X on my side? We were
together all night!
Buffy: Well...like I said...you're kind of... and Spike is really....
Spike: Sometimes, it IS the size of the boat!
Angel: I don't believe this.
Spike: Let's discuss souls.
Angel: Aha!!! I had mine first!!
Spike: I went looking for mine. I fought for it. Nearly died for it. Can
anyone tell me why?
Buffy: ( Happily raising her hand) Oh! I can! You did it for me!
Spike: That's right, kitten. You're such a clever girl.
Angel: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Spike: Let's wrap this up then. Buffy...
Buffy: Hmmm?
Spike: Who loves you more than anything on earth? Who's
loved no one but you for years now?
Buffy: You do, Spike.
Angel: So do I!!!
Spike: (picks up a newspaper) Hey, look at that! Gonna be a
full moon tonight. S'pose that means your puppy will be
showing up soon.
Buffy: You have a puppy?
Angel: She's not a puppy. (Looks guilty, mumbles) She's a werewolf.
Buffy: You have a werewolf?
Angel: But I don't love her!
Spike: Oh, I know. You're just boffing her for kicks.
Angel: Yes. NO! I mean...it's not like that...you...hey!
Spike: No, you LOVED Cordelia.
Buffy: WHHHAAAATTT???
Angel: Oh, Jesus....
Spike: And I think you had a little something for Fred, too.
Angel: EVERYONE had something for Fred!
Spike: Not me, mate. I liked her fine. She was a real lady. But
I love Buffy. I always will.
Buffy: Who's Fred?
Spike: Our last topic is gypsy curses.
Angel: Oh, no...
Spike: Oh, yes. Who's got one?
Buffy: Angel!
Spike: That's right, darling. Now, who DOESN'T have one?
Buffy: Lots of people.
Spike: Yeah, but...who in this room doesn't have one?
Buffy: You and me.
Spike: Another X on my side there, love.
Buffy: I'm out of room.
Spike: Well, then let's add up our scores.
Buffy: Does anybody have a calculator?
Angel: No. And don't start counting again. It's humiliating.
Buffy: That's okay. I really don't need to. (Turns to Angel) I'll
always care about you, Angel...but I belong with blondie
over there.
Angel: He's not a natural blonde, you know.
Buffy: Oh, I know...believe me, I know. Anyway, you have lots
to do here in LA, and I'm just not in the mood.
Angel: Buffy....I'm your first love. How can you do this?
Buffy: Oh, for goodness sake, Angel. You've really got to get past
that "First Love" thing. I was a kid, for crying out loud. I
didn't know any better. And, anyway...Spike is really...and
you're kind of....
Angel: Okay, okay! Don't say it again. Here. (Tosses keys to
Spike) Take the Viper. Go.
Spike: (Takes Buffy's hand) Shall we, love?
Buffy: (Eagerly) Yes, please. How big is the back seat of a
Viper?
Spike: Let's go find out.
Big Musical Bang Up Finish. Curtains Closing. Mad Applause.
On to part 2
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.