Chapter One
Every end has a beginning

Buffy sat with her back pressed up against the stone wall, the tip of Angelus’ sword pointed at her. She stared hopelessly into the cold eyes of the man who had once been the love of her young life.

A small internal chuckle echoed through her mind. ‘Ironic’, she thought, ‘I’ve felt like my back was against a wall for months, and now here I am; literally backed up against a wall with no way out.’

Angelus looked down upon her face, a sardonic grin played on his thinned lips as he drank in the vision of his slayer pressed against a stone wall, broken and defeated. He could taste her emotions, sadness, guilt heartbreak, defeat. Malevolent pride filled him; it was all because of him. He knew where to aim his barbs to inflict the most pain.

He let the sword he would use to kill the slayer dance before her eyes savoring in the torment. He was going to relish this moment, determined to torment her up to the last second of her worthless life.
“That’s everything ha…no weapons, no friends, and no hope. Take all that away and what’s left?” he sneered at her.

Closing her eyes, Buffy searched inside herself to find the strength to win this battle. His words echoed through her mind, she expected, as he did, that his words would cut and shatter her already fragile heart, instead she had a moment of clarity. A knowing breeze danced past her, and with it came the answer.
She was going to win this.

Because what Angelus didn’t know, or even begin to realize, was that she never had those things to begin with. When she walked into the mansion, she had already lost everything, and everyone important in her life.

She was the Chosen One.

“Me.”

Catching the blade between her palms, she shoved it back, hitting Angelus square in the nose sending him reeling. She leapt into the fight.

Inside the mansion, Spike was fighting a hysterical Drusilla. Thin pale arms were violently flaying about, grabbing, poking and ripping at whatever they could reach, which just happened to be Spike.
Spike passively defended himself from Drusilla’s frenzied attack as she as she clawed at him, slicing his skin with her razor sharp nails. Spike ignored the sting of her nails as they cut a path across his skin, the pain paled in comparison to the pain and heartache she had inflicted upon him the past few months. What tore at Spikes heartstrings was the words that spewed from her blackened lips. She tormented him with her devotion to Angelus, proving for the last time that she belonged to him, her Daddy only.
Images of Dru and the heartless glint in her eye as she teased him by showing off to whom she belonged; for whom she had waited for all those years while he had loved her and taken care of her filled his vision.

As Drusilla added salt to his open wounds, Anger replaced heartache he had, had enough. It was time to end this nightmare. Spike found the voice he had lost since he had been stuck, helpless in a wheelchair.

Pinning her to the wall Spike forcefully stopped her attack. “Dru”, he gritted through clenched teeth, trying to contain the anger that boiled in his veins. “Please, I don’t want to hurt you baby.”
Spikes words filtered through her muddy mind and she stopped struggling against him. Drusilla’s face softened as she looked into his eyes. This was the game they played she would hurt and punish until her dark knight would play no more, then he would lash out violently ending her playtime. She loved this game.

However, this time it was different, he was different. She could see what reflected in his eyes, his future. Going eerily quiet her fingers slowly reached out to caress the sharp contours of Spikes face, her fingers danced across his soft skin like they had done thousands of times before “Ashes, ashes we all fall down” she whispered.

Drusilla smiled her knowing smile at Spike her voice hauntingly soft as she spoke.
“She’s taken you all the way to her side, pet. My dark prince was lost in the dark, but now he stands in the sun.”
She pulled her hand back from him, accusation burning in her eyes. “Poor Willy, don’t you know the sun is harmful to us, it burns us to ashes”, she chastised.

Spike knitted his brows in confusion, “What Dru? You’re not making any sense, who’s taken what?”

She brought his attention to the direction of the slayer and Angelus.
Their fighting had come to a sudden stop, a portal swirling behind Angelus. Spike stood very still, staring wide-eyed at the scene playing out before them. He released his grip on Drusilla as he watched the slayer and Angelus.

“What’s happening?” Angel spoke as his soul returned.

“Shh…don’t worry about it, now close your eyes,” she whispered.

Her tears were falling freely now as she realized that Angelus was gone, leaving a confused Angel kneeling before her. Her mind didn’t spare her heart a moment’s happiness, as she understood Whistler’s final words. Her heart was the ultimate sacrifice to save the world.

Watching the scene play out Spike could almost taste the turmoil of emotions burning through Buffy’s veins as she confronted the man responsible for the heartache she had endured over the past few months.
What surprised him was that after everything that Angelus had done to her and those she loved, Spike could clearly see that Buffy still loved Angel with her whole heart.
He had always yearned for someone to love him with such intensity, to be loved as he loved. He was drawn deeper into their little drama.

As Angel stood to face Buffy, she let her fingers brush along the side of his face. Her mind etching every detail of him to her memory

Buffy’s tear stained lips touched Angels’ ever so gently. Her kiss conveyed her emotions, saying all that she wanted to say; ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m sorry.’

Mostly it said ‘Goodbye’.

Then without a moments’ pause, Buffy plunged the sword through Angel’s heart, effectively closing the portal and sending him to hell.

An ear-shattering scream filled the deathly quiet that had fallen over the mansion. Drusilla, her voice lost to everything but the cry of grief, lunged for the slayer.

Spike watched stunned as the slayer welcomed death at the hands of his black beauty. Why he did what he did next he’ll never fully understand, perhaps it was the pain at the death of his grandsire along with the anger at Dru’s betrayal of his love that made him push the raging vampiress away from Buffy.
With Drusilla, lying in a heap on the floor Spike bellowed out his frustration and hurt at her. Drusilla turned her face up to look at him, dirt, tears and blood staining her once beautiful features.

He snatched up a piece of broken crate to use as a weapon. His grip tightened around it with every second that passed.

Seething, Spike stared into the cold black orbs that were her eyes, searching for any recognition of the love he had shared with her for over a century.

Drusilla giggled manically, staring at the makeshift stake desperately clutched in his hands as she scrambled to find her feet.
Her laughter faded as a moment of clarity passed over her features. Her long thin fingers reached out to caress his soft face one last time. “My sweet William”, her voice was aberrantly calm as she spoke to him. “I always knew you were never meant for me, not for forever.” Her hand reached for his, the one clutching the stake, she wrapped her fingers around his, holding his fist in hers. Both knew what was about to happen.

She welcomed it.

“I’m sorry, Dru,” he whispered in her ear as the piece of wood pushed it’s way into her dead heart.

Memories, buried deep from a lifetime ago rushed forward, blinding him. All he could see for that split second were the eyes of his mother staring back at him as he drove a makeshift stake deep into her undead heart.

Drusilla’s ashes gently falling into an untidy pile on the flagged floor, snapped him back to the present.

Buffy and Spike stood facing each other, silent. Two mortal enemies united in torment over the death of their lovers.
Moments or hours passed, neither knew, neither cared.

Spike threw his head back, a primal roar pouring from his lips. The sound echoed off the thick stone walls reverberating through Buffy as she watched the vampire vent his grief.

Turning to look at her with a storm of emotions in his eyes, he grabbed her hand, pulling her towards the garage where the Desoto waited. She allowed herself to be dragged behind him; too numb to think.

He ushered her into the passenger seat, cursing as he slammed the door. She watched him as he went around the car to flop into the driver’s seat.

Her tear stained face searched his. She needed to say something. She needed to tell him to stop, to say that she was not going anywhere with him. She was getting out of this car right NOW!

However, tears had swallowed her voice. Therefore, she sat silent beside him, drowning in the emotions burning through her veins.

Sitting in the silence of Spikes car, Buffy never knew so many thoughts could scream through her mind in an instant.
Her mother’s angry words echoed in her mind ‘you walk out of this house right now, don’t ever think of coming back.’ Xanders’ pep talk as she went into the mansion to face the biggest fight of her life, the sight of Willows’ broken body lying in the hospital bed.
The look of disappointment behind the swelling and bruising in Giles’ eyes as Xander helped him out of the mansion.

Worst of all was the look in Angels’ eyes as she had sunk the sword into his heart.

Her body trembled in response to all the pain she had inflicted on those she proclaimed to love. Her heart was irrevocably broken. Her strength and courage was all but gone. In that moment of insight, she knew she could never go back to her life, to her family, to her friends.

She had caused them too much pain.

Sucking in a shaky breath she somehow managed to find her voice, if only for a moment.

“I need to go home and get some things.”
The engine roared to life. His only reply was a firm nod.

~*~*~*~*~

They had been driving for four days. Each stop was a welcomed distraction of nothing in an otherwise uneventful trip to nowhere. Or was it somewhere? Perhaps it was anywhere but where they were.

With mourning silence as their only companion, they lost themselves in the memories of what had happened.
Buffy and Spike were looking for an explanation for the madness that was Sunnydale. Both of them were desperately trying to find some reason behind their heartache something small that would make it better for just a moment.
Neither of them finding it in the darkness that had swallowed them.

So there they sat, alone together, waiting for the moment when the realization of what they had done would fully hit. Waiting for that split second in time when their worlds imploded. Waiting for when the guilt ate them whole and spat out what was left.

Shadows, a constant reminder of what they had done.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“No need pet”, he answered, his eyes never leaving the road.

She pulled her gaze from the passing highway and turned to him. “No. I have to say it…I’m sorry,” her voice cracking as she managed to utter the only words she had spoken in nearly a week.

He turned to look at her. The eyes staring back at him were drowning in emotion. He saw the guilt she had believed was hers for what had happened between them. His gruff reply, so clear in his head, died before it even reached his lips.

Silently she begged him to respond to her plea, to say something, anything to ease her pain.

Part of him blamed her for unleashing the monster that started this train wreck. However, deep in his heart, somewhere past the hurt, the anger, and the grief, he knew she was not solely to blame.

“Its okay” he answered. Spike knew that even if she didn’t believe the words right now, she needed to hear them.

He turned his attention back to the road effectively ending their conversation.

Phone calls and forgiveness

Buffy sat in the passenger seat of the Desoto staring into the darkness a heavy sigh slipping from her lips. A part of her wanted to melt into the darkness.

She envied those who could do just that, melt way from life, to never be seen again, becoming nothing but a distant memory for those who used to love you.

However, for Buffy there was this irritating voice screaming at her, telling her that she must move and get up out of the car.

A neon light blinked behind her. A motel six; somewhere off the highway between Hell and High water as far as she could tell.

Finally pulling herself out of the car, she smiled at the sight before her. Standing in the neon glow of purple and pink was the irritating voice, her salvation.

‘About bloody time you got out of the car, a vamp could turn to dust waiting on you slayer.’

‘ Shut up, Spike’ was her weak comeback as she followed him to their room.

They stood in the doorway surveying their room. It was small, dank; and had way too many health violations to be called livable. The lime green wallpaper was peeling and the carpet looked like it had been blue in a past life. The bathroom was well...Buffy had killed things less scary than that. It was crumbling around them. It epitomized them.

In a word, it was perfect.

~*~*~*~*~

Buffy sat on the edge of the bed, the phone cradled in her small hands. She was studying it as if she had never seen a phone before; let alone used one. Spike leant on the wall across from her waiting.

“I don’t wanna”, she pouted.
Do it slayer” he gritted. She was such a child sometimes.
I can’t,” she almost cried.

His voice took on a softer more understanding tone “Yes. You can”

Her eyes welling with unshed tears and pleading with him to not make her do this. “But-” Her retort cut short.
“No Slayer. We’ve been through this already. Remember? You lost.”
She nodded her defeat.
“Your mum’s a good lady, she deserves to know that her daughter,” he pointed at her. “That’s you, is okay”
Buffy let out a shaky breath and then nervously dialed her number.

Click
Hello you have reached the Summers residence. Neither Buffy nor I are at home at the moment to take your call. So if you could please leave your name and number one of us will be sure to call you back
Beep
At the sound of her mothers’ voice Buffy’s stomach flipped, and her heart sank. Her own voice was small and fragile as she squeaked out her message.
“Um…Hi mum” her eyes found Spikes’ “I can’t” she whined.
“Just do it?” he growled back.

“It…It’s me Buffy. I’m just calling to let you know that I’m okay and I’m not in some ditch somewhere”, her eyes boring into Spikes. “And I’m not alone, so…don’t worry”
Click

Buffy hung the phone up, staring at it for a moment before the tears spilled down her face.

Hesitantly Spike moved to the bed, taking his place beside her. His arm snaked around her shoulder as he pulled her closer to him. All the while, he muttered words of comfort in her ear. Turning her to face him, he gently brushed her tears away with his thumb.

“I hate when a girl cries…specially a pretty one”

Buffy stared at Spike. He swallowed hard and pulled his hand back as though her skin burned him. Seeing the out they needed Buffy stood from the bed
‘I should y’know go for a shower. Thanks Spike.’

Buffy stood in the bathroom staring at her reflection in the cloudy mirror.
Her skin was pale; her eyes sunken, her hair limp, her usual vibrant smile gone. Her once bright green eyes stared back at her, dull and tormented.

It had been 14456 minutes since Buffy had left Sunnydale, since she fled her old life. Ten days of rest stop fast food. Two hundred and forty one hours without a shower, and ten nights without sleep for fear of what haunted her dreams now.
Her Angel.

Buffy stepped under the stream of water. It seemed like a lifetime had passed since she had the chance to indulge in the more mundane things of life. The water was hot, leaving red welts on her skin as it cut a path across her body. It stung her cuts and that was good. Physical pain was welcome, it took her thoughts away from her other pain.

Buffy slumped down in the shower, the rollercoaster of emotional and physical exhaustion had come to a screaming halt as the hot water washed away the slayer and left a lost little girl in her place.

Curling in on herself, she cried as the pain and guilt consumed her.
With her tears lost in the constant stream of water, she wept for her mother, her watcher, and her friends. She cried for Spike and Drusilla. Then she shed tears for her heart, finally allowing herself to start to mourn Angel.

Buffy sat in the shower until her tears dried up and the water ran cold. As a shiver ran along her spine she forced herself out, wrapping a soft towel around her broken body, she found comfort in its artificial warmth.
Staring into her reflection Buffy remembered something her mother once told her that when all tears had been cried, it was time to move on. With her mind filled with images of Angel she wondered briefly if that were true.

Spike paced about the confines of their room. He could hear her cries, smell her salty tears, and taste her pain. Part of him wanted to rejoice in the anguish that was flooding his senses. She deserved it he justified. It was her selfishness and the fool-hearted act of giving herself to Angelus that had them where they were now.

Alone and broken by those they loved.

Then the poet spoke for her. She was just a girl, one who had been handed a terrible fate; one he considered worse than death. With death came peace; something she would never know.

The slayer was a mere seventeen years old, not even legally able to drink. Yet here she was alone in a rattrap drowning in guilt that shouldn’t be hers.

Buffy opened the door to come face to face with Spike. She stared intently at him, conveying all her emotions with one look. Sadness from what she had lost. Self-loathing for what she had done.
Need; so desperate, she needed to feel, to be touched, to touch.
She needed to be forgiven.

Spike stopped his pacing and locked his eyes with hers. He could feel her emotions. He could taste it on the tip of his tongue. It rolled off her in a tidal wave of desperation and need. A few slow steps and, now he was mere inches away from Buffy. Her breath warm on his skin. Slowly he traced a finger over the soft swell of her lower lip.

Electricity sparking from his touch ran along her spine. Her heart fluttered in her chest, her breath caught. She smashed her mouth to his. Her fingers tangled in his hair as she struggled to get closer.

This kiss wasn’t like any other kiss; it wasn’t soft and sweet or tender and loving like those she shared with Angel. It contained all of her emotions that she had not allowed herself feel; hate, resentment, desperation, frantic violence, intense sorrow, torment, rage, bitterness, loathing and passion.

Spike ripped at her clothes tearing them from her body. No time for subtlety. He needed this as much as she did.

He needed to forgive.

Spike stood at the foot of the bed pausing a moment to drink in the sight before him. Buffy, lay out before him, her naked vulnerable form shivered under his hungry gaze.

Taking no longer than a second, his body was free of clothes and he was resting between her legs. He paused at her entrance, looking to her for an unspoken answer. She gave one nod of her head.

His question answered, he violently thrust deep into her. He spared her no pain. Relentlessly his dick invaded her un-abused body, stretching her, filling her completely. His nostrils flared and his eyes closed as the aroma of her blood filled his senses.

At his impulsion into her body, she gasped; a pain shot through her aching womb. The unfamiliar pain consumed her and tears fell freely from her jaded eyes, spilling on to the sheets.
She needed the pain.

The smells permeating the air were delicious. Spikes demon rejoiced in the pain that was rolling off her in waves, as her tears fell freely. He drove deeper into her, pushing her body a little closer to the edge with each thrust.
Her body marred with almost instant bruises from where their bodies met. Blood welled to the surface from where he dug into her, clawing for a tighter hold.

He was punishing her.
She wanted to be punished.

Before long, her pain made way for another sensation. Listening to his body and obeying hers, she lifted her hips in time with his, letting him push deeper into her heat. Wrapping her legs around his waist, she dug her ankles into his hips, urging him to go harder, deeper.

Her nails clawed at the skin on his shoulders leaving tiny trails of blood running along the pallid color of his skin. As one ran down his arm, she licked it up shuddering as the copper taste coated her tongue, teasing her taste buds.

The sensation building in her womb increased as her orgasm neared. Her body bucked violently against his and the soft walls of her pussy clenched around his thrusting cock begging him to go faster.

When the tang of his blood mingling with hers hit him and as her body trembled around his in orgasm, it all became too much for him. His eyes rolled back and his face contorted bringing forth his demon as he came in a roar. Spike buried his fangs in her neck drinking greedily.

When he sunk his fangs into her neck Buffy’s body shook as another orgasm ripped through her. When her cloudy mind registered what he was doing, she pulled him closer, holding him tighter to her.

He was the holder of her salvation and now here he was giving it to her.

Death. Eternal rest. Peace.

She wanted it she welcomed it.

As the richness of her blood coated his tongue, he drowned in her. She was everything he was not.

Where he was darkness and death, she was life and light so bright and pure it was blinding. Where his only purpose on this Earth was to prey on the innocent, she was deliverance to those he stole in the darkness of night.

He tasted the girl and the slayer. She was power; it was ancient, older than time its self if possible.
Innocence tainted with wisdom and loss.
Guilt; she hated herself for who she was and what she was capable of.
Love; she loved with every fiber of her being. It was in every cell of her screaming body.

She was everything he was supposed to fear. She was his natural enemy. He was what she hunted, what she lived to kill.

Yet here she was wrapped in the arms of what she hated, holding on to him as if he was her savior.

He could taste her want.

She had a death wish and he was her executioner.

As the reality hit him that he was about to snub out her life light forever his demon recoiled in horror. This creature beneath him was his equal, not some meal. She was destined for greatness.

She was meant for him.

With gentleness that he hadn’t shown her body, he slowly pulled his fangs from her neck. Spike raised himself off her body to gaze at what was lying beneath him, so he could take a moment to appreciate the wonderful mess he had created He tilted his head slightly to the side as he took his moment.
He found a morbid magnificence in the savage tear in her throat, and the contrast of bright red blood staining the pale color of her skin.

He likened the purpling of bruises on her tiny frame to a canvas of artwork. The green of her eyes framed with red-rimmed lashes reminded him of Christmases filled with holly and bloodshed.

She was beautiful and broken all at once. A shuddering breath escaped his bloodstained lips, a small almost imperceptible smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. His demon was satisfied with the vengeance he had dealt out to her.

Now it was time for forgiveness.

Foreheads pressed together, desperate green eyes boring into golden eyes, a breath between them. Neither of them daring to question what had just happened. Knowing silence; the only answer they were seeking.

He had forgiven her.
He had saved her.

Spike climbed from the bed wandering to the bathroom. He turned the taps, altering the water so that it was warm.

As the steam rose in the room, he stopped to look at his non-reflection. An unneeded breath slipped from his lips. Taking his finger, he mindlessly drew patterns on the foggy mirror.

Images of the last time he and Dru were truly happy filled his foggy mind. They had just fed, she on her favorite, toddler and he on a teen, she was dancing in the moon light a look of sheer pleasure on her demonic façade as she sang to the stars. She was a vision of wicked beauty.

The images in his mind shifted and melted soon he was remembering the last time he saw her, anger filled him, his knuckles gripping the basin as he remembered the peaceful smile on her face as he drove the stake into her heart.

Over one hundred years of him being by her, side and she had chosen an eternity in hell with Angelus instead of life times with him.

Reality hit him like a tone of bricks, his world imploded. Entire life times ahead of him without her, without the only family he had known in over a century.

A crippling pain gripped him, he had lost her. His forever was no more. His reason for being was gone. His savoir was now nothing more than a pile of dust scattered in the wind.

Desolation filled his whole body, he had been deserted, and he was alone.
In the bathroom staring at the emptiness in the mirror, he let the tears of loss and heartbreak fall.

A slight moan from the bedroom snapped him back to reality and to the girl lying naked in his bed. It was in that split second he realized something he wasn’t alone.

Spike made his way over to where Buffy lay curl-ed in a tight ball. Her eyes sealed tightly shut to stop the stream of tears that were building behind her closed lids.

Gently he scooped her up into his strong arms. She wrapped her tiny fingers around his neck and clung to him as if her life depended on it, only letting go when he had lowered her into the shower and stepped in behind her.

Finding the prickling and sting of the hot water soothing, with a sigh Buffy let her body mold into his; accepting the comfort, he was offering her.

Squeezing a good amount of vanilla shampoo into his calloused hand Spike set about his new task; washing Buffy’s hair. Pulling her hair up Spike saw the wound on her neck.

William; the man in him winced at the vicious scar forming on her neck. While Spike; his demon beamed with pride. To him it was a symbol of ownership. Whether Buffy knew, it or not she belonged to them now.

She was his now and forever.

When all the tears, blood, and sweat were washed from her hair, he conditioned it. Picking up the bar of soap, he started to wash her tired body, taking care with the cuts and bruises’ on her skin.

Keeping her eyes closed the whole time she gave in to the feelings of his hands roaming across her body. She let out moans of pleasure as his fingers danced over her skin working on the aching parts of her body.

When he was satisfied that she was clean and relaxed he switched off the water, Buffy stood motionless, waiting for him to tell her what to do next.
After he wrapped a towel around her body, she took his proffered hand and stepped from the shower, silently she followed him.


Spike sat on the edge of the bed staring up into Buffy’s once wild green eyes they were hollow now.

Buffy stood silently between Spikes legs, her body trembling as she tried to fight the overwhelming urge to crumble under the weight of his invasive gaze.

Sadness flooded Spike as he remembered the first time he laid eyes upon her. She was fire and power, sex and innocence, life and death all wrapped in a tight little package.

As he raked his eyes over her now he saw none of what called him to her. All her light had been extinguished.

He motioned for her to join him in the bed. Dropping her towel, silently she acquiesced, taking her place next to him. Spike pulled the covers over them. Whispering in her ear as he wrapped her in his arms,

‘Shh pet its over. I’ve got you. Its gunna be okay. Sleep now’

Exhaustion finally winning, her eyes became heavy and taking comfort in the arms of her enemy, Buffy slept. For the first time in years, she let her mind and body completely shut down.


Buffy jolted up right in the bed she shared with Spike. Her body was trembling, her heart racing, she was covered sweat, her cheeks stained with tears, the image of Angel as he was sucked into the portal burning in her mind.

She looked over to Spike, he was still sound a sleep. Looking about the darkened room Buffy, saw a slice of sunlight hit the carpet, she guessed it to be about noon. A sudden pang for sugar hit her.

Slipping from the bed, she dressed and headed out into the sunlight, completely unaware of the piercing blue eyes, which watched her from under his lashes.
He had heard her sobs while she slept he felt her wake. He could feel the turmoil of emotion burning through her veins. She needed time and space. Feigning sleep he gave that to her.

Buffy wandered about the small town they had stopped at. It was smaller than Sunnydale; scattered about the houses it boasted one general store, a diner, a town hall, and the motel.

It was not a place people would stay any length unless you were a local, the people who lived here seemed to like it that way.

In desperate need for a sugar hit Buffy headed for Mrs. Macs Diner. The place was small, quaint, and homely. An elderly woman with wavy blue hair pottered about, filling salt and peppershakers. Mrs. Mac she guessed.

Taking a seat at one of the tables Buffy unfolded a menu, a smile creeping on her lips as she read the jokes at the bottom of the menu. It seems Mrs. Mac has a good sense of humor.

Waiting for her meal Buffy let her mind replay the events of last night. She bared herself to Spike in ways that no one had ever been privy to. He took her the very edge of eternity and brought her back. She had asked for punishment and begged for forgiveness. Spike gave it to her.

She danced her fingers ever so gently over the scar on her neck; her body still wore the physical marks of his retribution.

She knew he wanted beat her to an inch of her life only to drag her back kicking and screaming so he could do it to her all over again.

Vengeance was owed to him.

However he didn’t do that, he treated her with a tenderness that no man had ever shown her in her young life. In doing that, his gentle touches and whispered words broke her more than the way he abused her body earlier.

Buffy couldn’t even start to comprehend the reason behind his tenderness. Everything about it was wrong; she could understand vicious words of hate spewing from his mouth. Not gentle words whispered that meant to heal. Words she didn’t deserve.

Hate, guilt, suffering were the things she deserved, but this tenderness, it was too much for her. She didn’t want his kindness.

She wanted to hurt. She wanted the guilt, the pain. She needed it. It was all she deserved. It was all she had left and she needed it. She craved it.

It was her punishment for being weak. It was her constant reminder of what she had done to those she professed to love.

She had held on to it so tight for so long refusing to let it go. She could feel it in the deepest recesses of her heart. She could taste it in her tears.

It was a living thing.

It was hers and hers alone.

It was hers and he took it from her.

Buffy hated him in that moment, when he took her pain away. When Spike wrapped himself around her and whispered those simple words in her ear, she knew that he had truly forgiven her.

Now it was time for her to start forgiving. She didn’t know if she could.

She wiped the thoughts from her mind when her meal was placed on the table in front of her.

Buffy was a hell of a lot hungrier than she realized, she had devoured a large serve of bacon and eggs, a side of chili fries and a soda. The empty ache in her stomach that had been following her since Sunnydale was finally gone.

The sun was setting, Spike would be up soon, loaded up with the items she purchased at the general store, moisturizer, deodorant, juice, Twinkies, Oreos, she made her way back to the motel, back to Spike.

~*~*~*~*~

Joyce came in from another long day at the gallery. Her days were filled with mindless living, however, her mind raced with thoughts of her baby girl being left broken and bleeding in some ditch.

Sighing she placed her purse on the counter and poured herself a drink in the hopes of shutting her mind down just so she could have one moment’s peace. She pressed the play button on her answering machine.

‘Just another sales pitch I bet.’

Beep

‘Hi mum.’ As the voice carried itself across the silent room Joyce’s heart skipped a beat and her pulse raced.

‘Oh god it was Buffy, she’s alive, she’s okay.’

The anguish in Buffy’s voice tore at her maternal heartstrings. Her mind began to swim with visions of her little girl alone and lost. She sounded like she was hurting so much.

‘What happened to you my poor baby?

Every fiber in her motherly body wanted to reach out and hold her daughter. She yearned to comfort her until all her pain had melted away. However, her little girl was not there to hold and shower with kisses, or feed with chicken soup.

Her vision clouded with tears as the recording echoed off her walls and her heart broke a little more for Buffy.

After the seventh time listening to her daughter’s voice, she heard the message.

‘I can’t’. Then the sound of a man’s voice was heard faintly on the line. ‘Just do it’.

‘She is not alone, thank god.’

Joyce heard the gruff reply to Buffy’s plea. She had no idea as to who was the man with her daughter. Right now the only thing that mattered was that Buffy wasn’t alone in this…whatever she was going through.

~*~*~*~*~

Spike woke startled from the dream he was having. The warm tingle that crept along his skin let him know the sun had set. He scanned the room for any sign of Buffy; on the small table was a bag of groceries. Closing his eyes, he stretched his senses to find her. She was close.

The door swung open, it was Spike, his hair was a mess of untamed ringlets; he wore pillow creases on the right side of his face, his jeans unbuttoned and hanging way too low on his hips.

He looked down at Buffy who was sitting with her knees curl-ed up, her chin resting on them, her back pressed up against the wall.

She smiled up at him. ‘Oh hey, good morning or is it good night?’

He tilted his head to the side. Was she? Yeah she was. She was smiling at him. Not a bright Buffy smile, but smile nonetheless.

He smiled back at her ‘Hi to you too.’

He reached out a hand to her she took it. Pulling her off the floor, he motioned to the centre of town.

‘I gotta head out for a bit. y’know, a man’s gotta eat.’

The smile that was adorning her face dissipated instantly. His heart wrenched at the sadness that filled her eyes.

‘Or I could just stay here, till—’

‘Feed from me’ the words fell from her mouth. The shock look on his face told her he had never expected that from her.

Nervousness bubbled forth as she tried to explain.

‘I mean…ah…god why is this so hard…I mean you already did and it was… um…good...who am I kidding it was the best feeling EVER

I’ve never felt so close to someone when you…um what I am trying to say is that…please don’t feed from the populace I have enough…and hey Slayer so I got the good stuff.

I was once told it was like oysters to vamps… oh now I sound like a bite slut.’ Tears welled in her eyes.

Spike wrapped in her a tight embrace. He couldn’t believe that SHE had offered herself to him. The slayer wanted to give him, vampire extraordinaire her blood, her sweet elixir.

He stepped back, holding her at arms length, his eyes boring into hers, searching the depths of them to see if there was any vacillation to what she was saying. He saw none.

Holding her hand, he led her back into the room. He sat her on the edge of the bed. He started pacing. She sat watching him.

‘Slayer’

‘That’s me’

‘Vampire’

‘That’s you’

‘Shut up’

‘Okay’ she made a lip zipping motion.

‘When a vamp feeds it’s meant to be painful its s’posed to hurt.’

‘It didn’t, it was—’ he pinned her with his shut up glare.

‘When vampires bite during sex it heightens our orgasms. It heightens our emotions. It links us with the one being bitten. It forges an emotional bond. It’s the beginning of a mating ritual that’s like a vampire marriage.’

‘You mean a claim.’

‘Yeah. Do you want that Buffy? Do you want to be linked to me?’

‘If we don’t complete the ritual it’s not a claim right, it’s just us having sex, you feeding and us bonding. Oh,’


‘Yeah oh’

She looked up at him, thoughts screaming a million miles through her head.

‘So you’re saying that if you feed from me a lot we will form an emotional bond. Like best friends who finish each other’s sentences, bond. Or like what twins feel when one of them is hurt bond?’

‘Like I know that right now you’re more curious than scared and that you feel safer with me than you have in a long time.’

‘Oh…will it go both ways...y’know will I be able to feel you’ he smirked at her choice of words.

‘I mean what you’re feeling?’

‘Eventually’ he couldn’t believe that she was considering this.

‘But it’s not a claim…those are like for forever aren’t they? This bond if we ever separate it’ll fade?’

‘Eventually’
‘So it’s more like an engagement?’
‘
‘Yeah sort of’

‘Let’s do it’

‘Are you off your fucking rocker; I just told you what happens. You’re a slayer for…you want to be tied to ME…a vampire.’

‘I thought we cover that already.’

‘But-’

She cut off his retort. Her decision already made. ‘Yes I am a Slayer; as a Slayer I can't let you wander the streets killing innocent people. As a young woman who had to kill the last man I slept with, I wont kill you either.

So if you feeding from me it stops you from killing, so I don’t have to stake you and we get all bond-y in the process I say it’s a win-win situation.’

Spike began his rebuttal. She raised a hand asking him to please listen. Her voice became thick with emotion.

‘I am also Buffy Summers; who has lost everyone important in her life, I can't lose you too.’ Tears were falling by the time she had finished.

He stepped to her, pulling her up from the seat. Wrapping her in his arms, he commented

‘Who am I to argue with the slayer.’

He kissed her gently on the top of her head. Pressed against his cold chest she mumbled her reply

‘You’d better remember that mister.’

~*~*~*~*~

Wrapped in each other, silent thoughts filled the room. Buffy enjoyed the quiet hush that had fallen over their room. Silence was something she hadn’t had in a long time. Her life had been full of words.
Harsh violent words that cut and caused pain.

Here with Spike she knew that words were not needed between them. No nasty speeches or guilty pleas. All that had to be said was spoken through their touches.

Spike played with Buffy’s golden tresses, enjoying the silky feel of her hair sliding through his fingers. Burying his nose in her hair, he breathed in her scent. Vanilla mixed with her blood tickled his nose.

Buffy broke the silence, her finger lazily stroking Spikes forearm, her gaze not leaving the wall.

‘Spike’ she croaked out, her voice straining under what she was about to ask.

‘Yeah luv.’

‘You love Drusilla?

‘Yeah I do, with all my unbeating heat. Why?’

‘Why is it that you can love without a soul and he couldn’t?’

He knew these thoughts were tearing her apart inside, but he couldn’t answer them for her.

‘Can’t answer that one pet, it’s something you’re gunna have to figure out on your own.’

Buffy turned in his arms to face him. She believed him. She trusted his words; they were reflected in his eyes. Her brows knitted as what he said echoed through her mind.

Buffy fixed her gaze to a spot on his chest. She needed answers to the questions screaming around her head.

‘Why are you helping me Spike?’

‘Don’t rightly know pet…you’re all I got left now I s’pose’

‘Oh’ disappointment colored her reply.

‘It’s alright though, I don’t mind.’

‘ Are you sure? You can go if you want’ she looked up at him, her emotionless face belying the sudden fear that gripped her.

‘Nah, I’m happy enough here for the moment luv. Sides aint got no where else to go’ his eyes were closed as he listened to the rapid thrum of her heartbeat.

‘Thanks’ she whispered.

‘No problem, now go to sleep’

‘Good night Spike’ she murmured as she placed a very soft kiss on his jaw.

Rolling back over, she pulled him closer to her, wrapping her tiny body with his. With his arms, surrounding her she felt safe. Her eyes drifted closed.

He could hear the thump of her heart slow. He listened as her breathing slowed. Then the slight rumble escaped from her throat; her snore; it signaled that she was finally asleep.

Exhaustion claiming his weary body, soon he too gave in to the call of slumber. He drifted to a place in his dreams where he was with Drusilla and she loved him they way he loved her. A place that was theirs and he was her all. He had gone to their place for years now it was his only solace when Dru was off tending to another whim of hers.

‘Spike was laid out on a huge four poster bed, blood red silks draped lazily from the canopy. He was surrounded by pillows and silk sheets. Peeking out from behind his long lashes, he saw Drusilla, his heart, his love, making her way to him. She was wearing a black satin slip. She danced about swaying her hips enticingly calling to him with her erotic dance.

Pulling the hem of her slip up as she did so, giving him a glimpse of her treasure that lay beneath. Only to let it drop before revealing herself to him.

Climbing on the end of the bed, she crawled up his body, peppering his soft white skin with kisses as she made her way to his lips. She never reached his lips; she had stopped to savor the taste of his cock.

Her tongue expertly licking and nibbling along his shaft as she teased the head with kisses, delighting in it bobbing up to tap her on the lips as she breathed cool air over the head.

When his hips bucked up eagerly, Drusilla graced him with a devilish grin. He knew what that sly smile meant. Running her cool tongue along the shaft once more, she circled the head, and then in one quick motion she had swallowed him.

His cock was buried deep within her throat, a moan from her sent vibrations through his cock. His hands fisting in her hair he guided her up and down painfully slow. His eyes rolled to the back of his head as he was consumed by the heat of her mouth…No; that wasn’t right Dru has a cold mouth with a wicked tongue.

His eyes snapped open. Instead of seeing, his fingers twisted in hair dark as night they were buried in hair that looked like spun sunshine. Smiling up at him around his cock was…

‘Buffy?’

Previously ...

…His eyes snapped open. Instead of seeing his fingers twisted in hair dark as night they were buried in hair that looked like spun sunshine. Smiling up at him around his cock was…

‘Buffy?’

Spike bolted up in the bed. He whipped his head around desperately trying to remember where the hell he was. The heartbeat ringing in his ears reminded him.

There she was the devil in his dream. Buffy was stretched out beside him; the covers had dipped a little and a perky breast had been uncovered. It was teasing him. Begging him to lick, suck and nibble.

A slight moan escaped her lips, he remembered Drusilla. Anger and frustration filled him. Throwing the covers off, he stormed into the bathroom.

Spike was leaning over the porcelain basin his knuckles white from clutching the bowl, his chest was heaving as he tried to rein in his fear, and anger.

That blonde Barbie had invaded his dreams. Sucking in a deep breath, he stared deep into the mirror. Images of Drusilla flashed in his mind, silky black hair as dark as the night, a wicked smile that hinted of better things to come.

Guilt flooded him, Dru was his dark princess, and she was his lover, his savoir. She was his world, but now that infuriating bint in the next room, the very same bitch that was currently sleeping in his bed, was swallowing his thoughts and dreams.

A tortured cry from the other room pulled him from his self-imposed guilt trip.

All thoughts of Drusilla fled his mind when he saw Buffy. She was balled tightly her face flushed red and stained from tears. Her fingers tearing into the thin cotton sheets as she desperately tried to crawl away from whatever was chasing her.

Spike called to her, slowly pulling her from her slumber. Buffy woke to the melodic voice of Spike, glad to finally, leave her nightmare behind she sat up and roughly wiped at the tears she had unknowingly shed in her sleep.

‘You alright pet?’ concern ebbing its way into his tone.

‘Ah sorry I was having a…dream’ the quiver in her voice not hiding the truth.

‘Sounded more like a nightmare to me’ he quirked an eyebrow at her.

‘You wanna tell me bout it?’ He slipped into the bed beside her.

She wrapped her body around his and rested her head on his bare chest, the coolness of his skin calming the burning of her cheeks.

‘It was Angel; he was at the Bronze, my friends were there too. We were dancing, he…he said I killed him and he told me to go to hell.’

Her voice became soft; the shudder in her breath signifying how much this dream affected her. ‘Because he had.’

Silence followed her retelling.

Bleedin mongrel can’t let the girl go, can he? Made an art out of taunting her when he was here, now that he’s gone and she thinks she can get 5 minutes peace he starts making cameos in her dream…That’s it…it was just a dream.

Spike pulled her closer and held her a little tighter, for whose comfort he wasn’t quiet sure. ‘It was just a dream luv, he can’t get you now, and you’re safe here with me. It was just a dream.’

I know somewhere in the rational thinking part of my brain I know Angel can’t hurt me anymore. But I still can't help the feeling that I’ll turn around and he’ll be there, just waiting for me, waiting for the perfect moment to settle the score.

if that day ever came around I know for some reason, a reason that’s just too weird for me to analyse right now, I know that Spike would have my back. I feel safe with Spike, it’s like for the first time since I’ve been called I feel safe.

‘I know and Spike, thank you’

Spike placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. Both slipped into a deep dreamless sleep.

The sun was slowly setting over the horizon. Steam rose from the cup of hot cocoa that Buffy clutched in her two hands. She could hear the foot steps of spike as he packed their things.

She pondered the past few days. Her hand wandered up to her neck. Her index finger slowly danced across the scar that had formed there.

Things had gone completely different to how she had imagined it would.

She thought that when they pulled up at this dingy motel, they would part ways.
She would of course give him the mandatory, if I see you again I’ll stake you spiel and he would roll his eyes and say yeah and if I see you again I’ll kill you, they would then part ways never to see each other again.
He to parts unknown and she would probably end up serving overweight creeps in a hick diner somewhere.

Instead here she was waiting for him to pack what was left of their belongings, so they could take the next step in their new journey together.

The door opened, spike had his duffel slung over his shoulder and hers at his side.

‘Ready pet?’

She smiled at him. ‘Yeah, let’s go.’


Sunnydale

The Scooby’s sat around the table at the library, their faces painting a thousand words about their loss. It had been just over two weeks since Buffy skipped town.

Xander was mindlessly flipping through a book when Giles burst through the library doors. He had his overnight bag in one hand and a plane ticket in the other.

‘Whoa G-man, slow down’

Dropping his bag Giles snapped at the brunette. ‘I have asked you not call me that’ he turned to face Willow.

‘Now, I received a call from a friend in Orlando. A young girl was seen fighting a nest of vampires.’

Taking off his glasses so that he didn’t have to see the doubtful looks from the children he continued.

The description didn’t fully meet Buffy’s, and Horatio said she was with a young man but it could possibly be our best lead yet’

Willows pained look spoke volumes. It was her job to play devils advocate. she hated it.

‘Giles this is all great and proactive in the search for Buffy but what makes you think that it is her this time? I mean what’s different from the last 100 best leads yet. I hate to say it because she was my best friend.’

A whispered ‘past tense’ from Xander had her correcting herself ‘is my best friend.’

The anguish and faded hope in the older mans eyes made her rethink her argument.

Sighing she went on. ‘All I’m trying to say is that we will find Buffy when she wants to be found. I think that whatever she had to go through with Angel must have been really hard on her and she just needs sometime to work it out.’

The stunned looks that she received from her audience made her blush.

‘I’m just saying okay? But if you think that this is her, I wish you happy Buffy hunting’

The urgency in Giles voice dissipated after hearing Willow’s line of reasoning.

‘Thank you Willow, it’s the not knowing if she is...’

Giles cut his sentence short, choosing not to finish the thought let alone giving it a voice. Every person in the room knew what he couldn’t say.

Xander spoke up. ‘Well we know that she is alive ‘cause no new slayer so that’s a plus. Right?’ he looked to Willow silently urging her to back him up.

A pained sigh slipped from Giles’ lips; placing his glasses back on his nose he turned from the bunch of misfits. He couldn’t let them see the tears threatening to invade his eyes.

‘Yes Xander, I suppose you are correct.’ Giles called from over his shoulder.


Somewhere on the open road

They had been driving most of the night. Buffy’s legs were starting to cramp and she needed to pee. When the dim glow of a rest stop came into view Buffy turned to face spike, his eyes fixed in the white lines passing under the car.

‘Can you pull up here please?’

He nodded, almost imperceptibly.

As Spike fuel up the car, Buffy filled up on sugary goodness.
Arms loaded with sweets and juice Buffy spied a pay phone, dumping the contents of her shopping spree unceremoniously on the back seat she silently turned from the car and made her way to the phone.

Her heart hammered in her chest and her hands shook so much that she was having a hard time putting the money into slot.

She was so preoccupied that she literally jumped when she felt Spikes hand on hers, he was helping her put the money in. She turn thankful eyes to him.

She dialed the number.

‘Hello. Hello?’

Buffy froze it was her mothers voice on the end of the line.

‘Who is this?’

Buffy tried to choke out a response ‘argk’

‘Buffy? Buffy is that you?’

‘Mom’ her voice barely a whisper

‘Oh god Buffy it’s so good to hear your voice. Are you okay?’

‘Yeah I am.’

The relief in her mother voice was so strong that Buffy felt it wash over her.

‘Where are you? I’ll come and get you.’

‘No! I mean, I’m…well I don’t know where I am...?’ she looked to Spike he shrugged.

Buffy heard the change in her mothers’ voice with just the sharp intake of her breath, gone was the soft loving mother and in her place was an irate disappointed parent.

‘What the hell do you mean you DON’T know?’

All the strength Buffy had found in hearing her mothers’ voice faded quickly.

Buffy’s voice became soft and apologetic; she sounded defeated ‘I’m sorry. We just started driving—’

Joyce cut her off. ‘No I’m so sorry honey. I didn’t mean to get all’ Joyce stopped her train of thought and let out a calming breath. The deep sigh came through loud on Buffy’s end.

‘You’re on a road trip. How’s that going?’

No answer, Buffy was lost in thought as she watched Spike head for the car.

Joyce could feel her daughter slipping away ‘I love Buffy.’

Deafening silence followed Joyce’s proclamation. Buffy couldn’t answer her mother, the words felt like poison in her mouth. To her they were the most lethal words she could ever hear or say.

She heard her mothers’ final plea

‘Come home soon’ a toxic thought echoed through her mind.

I don’t have a home anymore.

Buffy placed the phone back on it cradle cutting off anything else her mother might say. Through her tears, she stared at the inanimate object. Thoughts of her mother, her watcher, and her friends screamed through her mind.

Buffy’s thoughts were broken when she heard the roar of the De Soto’s engine. She turned from the phone to see that Spike had stepped out of the car and was watching her over the hood.

He was waiting for her, waiting for her to decided, go back to Sunnydale, or go with him.

She looked at the phone. Up until this point Buffy thought that once she spoke to her mother, ever thing would get better and she would go home, go back to Sunnydale.

The surreal drama she was currently playing out would end and life would go back to normal, she would go back to high school.

Giles would have her training and slaying again and her friends would well, be her friends. The coldness that filled her at the thought of going back made her shudder.

She looked back at the peroxide pest staring intently at her, his head slightly tilted and a ghost of a smile on his lips.

That’s when it hit her; her new life was staring at her.

‘Where to Slayer?’

‘You’re the driver.’