Disclaimer: This story is a work of fan-fiction. All used characters don’t belong to me and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this story is the pure pleasure of the reader.
 
Feedback: All feedback, comments or anything else you might want to share is welcome and can be sent to LadySet@gmx.net

Author’s notes: This story changes between in storytelling between the story and the thoughts of a person, the change in font marks this change. When written this series I hadn’t seen any episodes of Season 5 nor had I seen the episode I took the title from.

 
Fool for love
 
by Belladonna
 
The night had been dark and softly black. The stars were shining like diamonds in front of the velvety background of the nightly skies and the moon gave the town as the biggest jewel at the skies a silvery shine. One man stood alone on the cemetery, a bit apart from the tombstone and he was looking up to the sky, into the night, like he always did when he wanted to think or simply to be alone.
 
He wore a long coat over the dark shirt and his black pants, he had his hands hidden deeply into the pockets. Above him there was the moon that threw its pale light over the cemetery and also over him, but the man remained silent. The pale silvery light of the moon was nothing he had to fear, only the bright rays of the sun. His bleached blond hair was looking even more whiter in front of the black of the night now that the light of the moon fell over him.
 
Spike inhaled the cold air of the night, took a deep breath into his lungs and enjoyed that slight cold feeling it brought with it. Even though he had been dead for many decades and his lungs had no longer need for oxygen anymore, it was a habit he nonetheless had never been able to dismiss so easily, especially not when he was excited of nervous. But to breathe actually meant nothing to him and brought no use, just as nothing as he would achieve with his nervousness; he wasn’t able to do anything against it though.
 
Spike was well aware of this fact but he was helpless in doing anything against it. Every time he was close to her he felt this nervousness he couldn’t fight, a nervousness he had not felt since he could remember. He couldn’t overcome it either, every time he was close to her or thought of her it made his heart beat rise and his breath faster just like he did again think of her in this night and about what she meant to him.
 
He raised his head and glanced up to the moon, the only constant in his life, a life that was as unpredictable as he could imagine it to be and that had never turned out the way, he would have dreamed of. And even up there, in the beautiful but pale light of the moon, up there in the sky, he believed to be able to see her, in that pale window high above him, the window to a heaven that only lovers were able to see.
 
~/~
 
I would have never thought or seen it coming this far one day with me; never had I imagined myself standing here at this special point of my life and also never thought to happen twice, now that I no longer am alive. But I have reached it again nonetheless. I still cannot believe it, no matter how hard I try, I cannot.
 
I cannot remember ever have felt that much for another woman in my life as I do feel for her. Oh, I have known many women in my life, I have even felt a lot for some of them, but I have never loved any other woman before like I do love her. This love, this very love that I feel now, it comes directly from my heart. Though it does no longer beat for a long time now, it does again when I think of her.
 
It may be true, that I have loved Dru, my sweet little Dru and I have done everything for her, I have even given my life and my soul for her because I have loved before. She had been everything for me, my whole world for there has never been anything more than her for me. And still, as I now think back and look at it like I am able to do today, I do realize now that this love never came from my heart, never at all.
 
I believed to have loved her just like I had believed she would feel the same for me. But today I know and had to realize painfully that I never have been more than a poodle for her, a lapdog and just a welcomed distraction in her rather boring life; only a useful tool for her purposes. But then I had been too blind to see that, to realize it.
 
Have I truly been that blind or have I known and just did not want it to see?
 
Nonetheless I stayed with her, she did need me after all, didn’t she? And I enjoyed this feeling of being needed and her dependence of me, but is that love? Could this really be the emotion one feels when he loves another?
 
Maybe it is true, and we truly never loved each other at all, maybe we both had started from different expectations that could not be fulfilled. I don’t know and it no longer matters to me. No, it is no longer of importance to me for today I finally know what love is, what real love feels like and how it again changed me. I have found love, for I have found her.
 
When I can be with her, I can feel how my blood begins to heat up and starts to flow faster through my body; can I feel how this dead heart in my chest begins again to beat and beat fast. I have never felt like this before, only maybe once but that was a long time ago.
 
From the very first moment I have seen her, I had been fascinated by her. I have known that she was something very special but then I had not the slightest idea that she would become someone very special for me.
 
I can smell her sweet scent, smell it even if she can not be near me; this sweet flavour of her blood and the scent of her long hair as it falls so loosely over her shoulders. Her eyes are like precious jewels and they are shining and flashing with wild determination, the same she caught me with at our first meeting, the first time our eyes met. I have been caught since then and I also catch myself that I don’t want to get free anymore. She has a fire in her eyes, a burning which burns with such an intensity I am only able to see in hers.
 
My whole life I have always looked for someone like her but never found anybody who would come close to her like she is. I have always searched for someone who could possibly mean as much to me as she does and never would I have imagined to find that someone in her; from all people did I have to find that someone in her, the Slayer.
 
Never before have I been so sure of my feelings like I am now, but can I ever be sure? Can I ever be truly sure of them? Then, how can I be sure that it will not turn out this time like it had turned out all the other times before I had thought to love or to be in love?
 
The answer to this is very simple, for I cannot.
 
But if I am listening to my heart it will tell me that I can be sure, that my emotions have never been more clear than now. When I am near her I feel these strong emotions I cannot fight and I have to admit that I don’t want to fight them.
 
She is the Slayer, destined to hunt down someone like me, to destroy and every fibre of my being screams for getting as much space between her and myself as possible. By all means, I should get away from her or try to fight and kill her before she does with me. No, here I am, searching her closeness, always looking to be near her; I can no longer be without her. I should have gone away but I didn’t. I should have stayed away when I finally got away from her but I couldn’t bear being without her so long, to never see her again, her beautiful eyes and her gentle smile.
 
Always have I watched her secretly when she was with him and every time it gave me a sting in my heart, a painful one even if I would have never admitted it and still won’t, not to her or to anybody. How many times have I wished to be in his place when she was holding him in her arms and their lips met; uncountable times have I wished so much for being him, for being the one she holds in her arms and whose hand she would squeeze gently under the light of the moon outside. But as much as I wished for being him it also became clear to me with that same cruel realisation life always offers  that I could never be him and she never would be able to love me like she does with him. I never have wished for anything more than if she would, that she would return my feelings for her and it would make me the happiest man on earth if she did, if she would only say it once to me.
 
Yes, I should rather stay away from her, to get away as fast and far as possible from her for she was born to kill me. I cannot, I can’t do it for I cannot act against my feelings, me heart.
I always have considered him weak for helping someone like her and for that would kill one of us. I always have blamed his soul for having made him weak and the Slayer’s lapdog, that it made him betray us. Now I feel the same for her like he did, maybe even more and I always have done it. He maybe had thought me jealous of him concerning Dru, but the truth is, I always envied him for her.
 
I’d do anything for her, even gave my life only to protect her. I’d give my own life for somebody else who was chosen to end it. But to protect her I’d die willingly and with pleasure if only I’d know that she would be safe, that she would live.
 
His soul, his mortal soul have I held responsible for what I thought to be a grave error in his character but I do not have such an excuse. I cannot even blame it on the chip in my head, no matter how hard I would wish for. But then I also would have to admit to myself that I even have felt for her that way before this damn chip changed my life forever, long before. And my life was changed for ever the moment our eyes met in the night down in the alley behind the Bronze.
 
I do love her from the bottom of my heart, I’d do anything for her and gave I all I have only to make and see her happy. Maybe I am making a fool of myself because of this, just like I had done once before in my life and that had changed me forever, but again I cannot go against my own heart. I know that I love her and I also know that I am surely not the first man who acts without thinking for those he loves and I surely will not be the last one who makes a fool of himself for love.
 
I had thought to have learned out of my mistakes but turns out, I haven’t.
 
I love her, I really do and this love comes from deep within my heart. I can only hope that she will be able one day to also love that fool I am, too.
 
~fin~

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fan-fiction. All used characters don’t belong to me and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this story is the pure pleasure of the reader.

Feedback: All feedback, comments or anything else you might want to share is welcome and can be sent to LadySet@gmx.net

Author’s notes: This story changes between in storytelling between the story and the thoughts of a person, the change in font marks this change. When I wrote this series, I hadn't seen much episodes of Season 5 yet. This part was inspired by a quote during the episode ‘The mathematics of tears’ from the show Andromeda (I don't know if I translated that quote correctly, I tried to make a translation based on the German dubbed version and some unsuccessful lip-reading).
 
 
Made to love you
 
by Belladonna
 
 
“Do artificial intelligences also have a soul?”
-“I do believe that all which loves does have a soul.”
 
 
Inside the crypt it was dark, but that wasn’t something unnatural because night had long fallen down over the town and the full moon had risen high above Sunnydale like a huge jewel in front of the nightly skies. One lonely person stood in the doorframe of the crypt and gazed up towards the sky. She loved it to just simply stand outside and to look up to this said gem in heavens, into this never-ending blackness and to loose herself inside it.
 
Her long blond hair fell loosely over her shoulders and her clothing was light, colourful in front of the deep black night; but the glance of her eyes, still directed towards the moon and the stars, seemed to be sad. Actually she had nothing to be sad about, for she had everything any other girl would wish for, a nice life and especially a wonderful boyfriend whom she loved more than everything else and who loved her equally strong with his heart. Still her eyes were clouded with sadness.
 
She stepped back into the crypt, into the almost dark room and looked around her. Her glance remained then on the sleeping man who lay in the bed on the other side of the room; the crypt that was his home as well as it was hers. His bleached blond hair was wild in his sleep and a small smile danced around his lips as if he was dreaming of something wonderful. Maybe he was dreaming of her but she didn’t know exactly. She would never know, truly know that and deep inside her she probably didn’t want to.
 
She sat down on the bed next to him, her gaze still resting on him and she gently brushed a strand of his tousled hair from his forehead. He seemed to feel her closeness and snuggled into her embrace, still asleep. She simply sat there, her arms around him, holding him in his sleep and continued silently watching him while she absently stroked his hair, feeling its soft texture underneath her fingertips.
 
It seemed all so peaceful, so extremely beautiful to watch for an outsider; so perfect. Two lovers, whose hearts and souls were one, but then the latter was something neither one of them possessed. And the sad look of her eyes told a completely different story.
 
~/~
 
I watch him like he’s lying there; it is so peaceful and lovely and he does look so happy how he is sleeping here in my arms. I do watch him often when he is sleeping; watch out for him day and night so that no harm will come to him. I would die if I would loose him and for that only a few rays of the sun would be enough. So beautiful but equally deadly it is for him. Even though I could go outside once it is high above the sky of the day, I do not do it. I do live without feeling its warm rays on my body and I do all that for him; I even could go away but where should I go, I cannot leave him. I could not stand it being apart from him.
 
I see the smile on his lips, can see the warmth in his eyes every time he looks at me even now as they are closed in his sleep and my heart begins to beat faster. It makes me happy to see him happy and he is it every time he can be with me; I’d do everything to make sure that this remains until eternity. Actually I do not have a single reason to be unhappy, for the sadness I feel now because I own everything a normal, real girl would wish for.
 
He is such a wonderful man once you have looked behind the mask he is showing and wearing for the world outside. He is compassionate, sensitive and gentle and he has a bigger heart than he would admit for himself but then what is it that keeps me sad, that causes my sadness?
I love this smile, this tiny smile that dances around the corners of his mouth and makes these little lines just like now as he is sleeping. It truly must be a beautiful dream he is dreaming but I wouldn’t know; I would never know just like I will never truly know what it is about or rather whom.
 
I do not know; but then do I really want to? Even to this simple question I cannot give an answer. All I know that there is one thing I will always know and that will be made painfully aware to me every time I am looking into a mirror.
 
Is it truly me whom he loves? Does he love me at all? Will he ever be able to love me, truly me like I do love him or will he ever be able to love me at all?
 
I am not sure whether I do want to hear the answers to this one even though I know them, always have known them. But as much as I want to shut them out, to simply ignore them, I cannot and they keep looking at me from the mirror, almost cruelly and mockingly like the face that is every time looking at me out of the mirror.
 
It is not mine; it will never be mine at all for it belongs to her.
 
Deep within me I do feel that it is her he is dreaming about; it is her who he truly does want to hold when I am lying in his arms and it is her he thinks about and who his feelings are meant for when it is our lips that met when we kiss. It hurts to know that it will never be me his heart will belong to and I feel that pain even though I shouldn’t feel at all. In fact I do not even know whether I am able to really feel anything that truly belongs to me, that comes from me and that was not decided by others for me to feel that way. I can see how his eyes are shining, so full of warmth and love for her every time he is close to her but she obviously cannot recognize that; can not see how deep his love for her truly is where I can see it, someone who wasn’t meant to see, shouldn’t be able to because it would be over the things she should. Oh, but I do see that very well, for I am not that blind. Not anymore.
 
It shouldn’t bother me, shouldn’t bother me at all and I shouldn’t even be able to see it in the first place but I do and I feel the disappointment deep within me, the pain.
 
Emotion, feel; what does that mean, what does it mean for me; for somebody who isn’t even real and will never be or can.
 
He stirs in my arms, moves slightly to nestle closer and I see the relaxed smile on his lips, that tiny smile I do so love that much. My fingertips brush tenderly over his cheeks and I kiss him gently; his skin a bit cool underneath my hands and lips but he doesn’t wake.
 
I shouldn’t feel anything at all besides what was meant to. I shouldn’t feel, because I myself am not able to but what does that mean; said and believed by those who can. They do know nothing, nothing at all. How could they ever understand someone like me?
 
I shouldn’t feel anything, they haven’t meant me to but still I do. I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, but they are nothing more than plain water that had been brought to the surface by tiny pumps within my eyes; simply water that keeps rolling down over the synthetic skin that covers my face, my whole body. Just as unreal as I am.
 
I was created to love you; programmed to live up to your expectations, wishes and dreams but it is not me that you truly love. I was created in her picture; I am wearing her face, speak with her voice but it is not her heart that is beating for you within my chest because mine is just a machine like I am. And it is only a programmed soul I possess, programmed emotions; programmed love.
 
I will never be like she is, be as real as she is but even though I do know all that I couldn’t leave you even if I wanted to because it would break my mechanic heart. It still does knowing all that but without you it would do the same. I love you too much to do that even if I know the truth deep within me; a truth I would rather not know or see, one I shouldn’t see at all because I wasn’t programmed to see. Still I do. I love you but that also is a love that I don’t really know whether it is as unreal and artificial as I am.
 
I will never be truly sure and maybe I don’t want to. All I want is to stay with you because I do feel love for you, programmed or not. But still I know the truth; I will always know it, eternally.
 
I will never be more for you than just a replacement; a substitute for her and this knowledge does hurt me despite all programs. I will never be her, always remain what I am even if I want to. I will always remain myself; something you let somebody else create and that was made to love you in her place.
 
 
~fin~

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fan-fiction. All used characters don’t belong to me and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this story is the pure pleasure of the reader.
 
Feedback: All feedback, comments or anything else you might want to share is welcome and can be sent to LadySet@gmx.net

Author’s notes: This story changes between in storytelling between the story and the thoughts of a person.
 
 
Love is blind
 
by Belladonna
 
 
“Love is blind,
and love deceives you…”
(‘Prisoner of your eyes’; Judas Priest)
 
 
The skies were black, dark clouds had gathered above Sunnydale and darkened the otherwise so sunny and bright blue sky. In the distance the thunder announced the rising and fast upcoming storm that neared the small town. Heavens were in turmoil and mirrored that way the feelings one girl had these days, who was sitting underneath those clouded skies inside her home.
 
Buffy Summers sat on her bed in her small room; she was looking outside the window; to the day that had almost turned night because of the dark clouds gathering upon it. She was leaning with her back to the wall, her knees drawn towards her chest and her arms around them, pulling them towards her but also for her own reassurance of her feelings. Her chin rested on her knees and her eyes seemed distant, clouded with confusion by so many things.
In the past few days, so much had happened; so many seemingly unimportant things had rolled over her, causing her life to almost crumble. But in the end, it had been one single thing, one so small thing, a simple sentence that had managed to crush everything inside her, inside her heart to thousand small pieces.
 
‘I love you.’
 
Three simple words, three tiny simple words that had such a lasting and dragging effect; one she would have never imagined before or dreamed of. And still she wasn’t quite able to believe it completely. It couldn’t be, it shouldn’t be but even she could no longer deny it, no matter how hard she wished for it. And her thoughts always returned to circle again around what happened, continuing to come back to what he had said and even more to what she now was feeling.
 
~/~
 
I still cannot believe it but I can hear his voice over and over again in my thoughts, my mind; his words as he confessed his feelings for me and what he had wanted to do for me to prove it. I can hear myself answering to him, telling how less I could care about it and that it would be absolutely meaningless. But can I still be so sure about it now? Deep inside me I have understood, finally found comprehension to what it meant for him to kill his Sire for me, a crime that came close to patricide and was considered the most gruesome thing to be committed among vampires. This holiest rule that vampires had amongst themselves was it that he had wanted to break for me, only to prove his love for me. He wanted to sacrifice everything he had and knew for love.
 
I remember when Angel had killed his Sire back then, it had made him an outcast, a wanted man, but then it had been in defending me, something that already had made him an outcast before, but Spike wanted to kill his precious Drusilla for me, without fight or necessity other than to show me how deep his feelings for me went. He wanted to risk everything he had, just to show me that, to make it clear to me that he truly loved me and how much I meant for him. Only I wasn’t able to recognize the true and high value of his offer then.
 
I can still hear him telling me that he loves me and I myself cannot understand, cannot understand what he means or that it is real emotion coming from his long dead heart. Can I truly not or am I afraid of the truth? I cannot answer to that question, but I have to secretly admit that I am no longer that sure of my own feelings like I had believed to be before.
 
Now I know how he feels for me, how he feels for me for a long time but do I feel the same for him? Can I even feel anything for him other than disgust for all that he had done in his life, had been and still is; something that will never change? Can I really love a killer and believe that he has changed even though I have proof of that change in him right in front of my own eyes?
 
I too have to admit to that, that I cannot give an answer to that one either. I am not sure, but I do begin to feel something for him. But is that love? Do I really feel something for him and is it what he wishes for that I feel for him? To all these questions I cannot give an answer, I don’t have an answer, but do I want to answer to this at all? Or am I too much afraid to know my answers to that already?
 
But still the one question that nags more on me and causes me to think about and rethink everything I thought I knew is that of his feelings. Might he truly be able to love me? Is he really capable of love at all or is that just one of his fantasies?
 
He told me once that his heart had been caught by me from the first moment he had seen me in that alley behind the Bronze and that this feeling of love only had grown in intensity since then. Could that be the truth? I know him now for such a long time, but why have I never been able to see that, recognize it? Why was I never able to see this all like I now recognize it after he had confessed his feelings to me?
 
Why could I never see the pain in his eyes before when I had been with Angel? The sadness that rushed over his eyes, clouded them with pain when I had been in Angel’s arms; the pain when I talked about Angel in his presence and taunted him by doing so, willingly or unwillingly. It had been so visible but I have not seen it. Could I really have been so blind to not have seen these deep felt emotions that he has in his cold dead heart for me? And even worse, could I have been truly that blind to not have recognized that all within myself? To realize just how much he means for me, means to me?
 
He always had been there with me when I had needed him, when I had been alone he had been with me and given me company. When I had been sad he always was there for me for comfort, cheered me up when I’d wanted to throw it all down. He was always by my side, stood up with me and for me, helped me all the time and never wanted anything in return for it.
 
Oh, sure I have paid him for his help at the beginning, but that had been long ago. He didn’t want or ask for money anymore and I haven’t even noticed. He always was at my side, fighting with me and for me when I wasn’t able to and he had risked his own life more than one for us all though we never asked him to, only to be treated again like the worst scum that walked the earth by us, but especially by me.
 
He still is only tolerated among us and to be honest, he never had had any reasons for all that he’s been doing for us, for all the things he risks for me. Is that really true? Was there really never a reason for his faithfulness and loyalty to us all, to me? Or was I simply not able to see it, didn’t want it to see?
 
I am catching myself at the thought that I value his presence highly, admitting to me that I accept his help gratefully and feel lonely when he is not with us, with me. I miss those little verbal fights we have together, every time he is away and I also catch myself thinking that I need him and feel alone and empty without him. I would have never thought to feel that way, never even imagined to consider it that painful. Never would I have dreamed before to think that way and I would never admit this in front of the others; or in front of him but mostly in front of myself.
 
But I need him, I really do and it hurts me more than I could say to be without him, this terrible emptiness inside me tearing at me. When I am completely honest to myself, so have I to admit also that I really never thought to ever be able to feel this much or to feel anything at all for him and if someone would have told me this some months, years ago, I would have laughed in their faces, believing them insane, but what about it now?
 
He does mean more to me than I could have ever dreamed of and I can no longer fight what I feel deep inside my heart, to suppress those emotions that threaten to break free from within. I can no longer be without him, not anymore and I don’t want to but I have been too blind to realize. All those feelings I have for him I refused to believe, to see; like I had never been able to see the true reason behind his friendliness, his deep loyalty towards me that goes beyond death, before he had revealed it all to me.
 
I love you, Spike, that has come clear to me now. It had always been your love for me that kept you at my side, remaining with me and my love to you was it that had made me too blind for this; too blind for you and it is this love now that has opened my eyes truly and completely for everything. I can only hope for me, and for an us, that it might not be already too late for everything and that my blindness had not caused all that we could have together to be blinded too.
 
 
 
~fin~