Xander is actually quite self aware in this story, and it's excellent to read him taking the burden of blame for Jesse's turning. His request led to Spike fleeing the scene of the crime, too, so he's partly responsible for the vampire's capture and torture. I like that Xander realizes how awful Spike is going to feel when he comes back to himself. If he ever does after this last terrible act.

Buffy getting caught up in the sadness and horror of her sweet Spike being a monster at his core left her vulnerable, and Spike took full, awful advantage. He may not have drained her, but he stole something from the both of them. It was powerful and awful to read.

This story is dark, but it's also a riveting read. I certainly hope you continue it.

Years ago, I always read and lurked in the shadows, never reviewing. I realized that it was very important to show my appreciation as a reader. I have loved your other stories in the past, but never got around to reading this fic.

Today, I had a chance to catch-up to it and am very happy that I did. I would like to express my appreciation for your story. I don't remember a lot of Jesse what-if tales, and think that this would have worked in canon. Xander's staking of his best friend was definitely part of his character development.

I also am a big fan of Buffy and Spike before the trauma of Angel/Angelus. You nailed Angel's enduring desire for Darla, fitting-in with what we learned from Angel the Series canon.

Even though you've been away from this tale, just know that your story is appreciated whenever it is updated. Thank you for your tale!

Author's Response: Hi lori, I was like you, never reviewing--until I started writing and I understood how it felt to hear from people. You have no idea how much it can encourage you to continue typing words. I really felt toward the end (of when i was actively writing) that I'd lost a lot of my audience. it was a really bad time for me, so I greatly appreciate everyone that makes the effort to let me know they are reading, even if they aren't happy with what is going on. I think I have been fascinated with the 'what if' possibilities surrounding Jesse. It seemed kind of cruel to kill him off so early, and it kind of stunted Xander's growth, I think, and I'm sure you can tell in this fic that I like Xander's character a whole lot more than I ever thought possible! Thanks again for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy it.

Spike cried too? He's forgiven. At least by me. Maybe not by Buffy. I like Xander in this. On with the updates.

Author's Response: Don't underestimate Buffy. She's a champion in this fic! LOL. I quite like Xander too. Its very strange.

Told you already - good to see the update :)
Glad to see they brought Spike back. And that Xander defended Spike; Buffy is so devastated now, she needed to hear that.
And that Xander is trying to fight against his jealousy. I feel sorry for him that he had to accept now that Jesse is truly dead for him.
Sounds as if Spike has woken up now; looking forward to read on, how he'll react now.
~ Really good to see you writing again.

Author's Response: Cordy, its great to be back! I'm not going to feel comfortable though until I have this fic well and truly behind me. Its my mission now to get it finished as its been hanging over my head way too long! I can't tell you how truly wonderful it is to see your comments again. You don't know what you miss, huh?

So glad to see an update on you this fic! I kind of thought that the reason that you weren't updating had something to do with some discomfort you may have with writing dark fic.

I really trust you as an author though and I know that wherever you take us with this story it will be great.

Can't wait for the next chap!

Author's Response: Victoria, you don't know how relieved I am to hear that because I'm sure there will be some people drop off after the next chapter. I am definitely second-guessing my direction from when it was written--must be nearly two years ago now? Dark stuff really does make me nervous. I don't like to read it at all myself.

I am loving this fic. Ferocious Spike is the best. He will calm down soon.

Author's Response: Its good to know this fic still has a following though I am very nervous about how many I'll lose with upcoming chapters!