Funny, how I referenced herion, a few chapters back. Another great chapter, you did a great job in showing just how far he has fallen. The fact that he asked for help, is exactly what needed to happen, I just wished he hadn't fallen quite that far to begin with. There are some things you just can't get back from. Glad you chose Wesley for that role, though I think some type of medication is warranted here. Spike needs help and medications, even for a short period of time, do help.

Damn, I'm all caught up, if no one else offers to help, read my reviews and see if I might to able to give you the help your looking for. I do want a Spuffy ending and I'll help any way I can. Thanks for picking this up again, it is a really great story, even if it is this dark.

Author's Response: You misspelled heroin again. :( *cries in corner* Yes, he fell far. I thought Wesley was good for the role, too, and he will come back again, really soon, to help over people. I thought hard about giving Spike medication and decided against it: I do not need readers thinking that the meds are the reason he's getting better. He needs to get better on his own. And read your yahoo account regarding help with the story. Thanks for doing a full sweep of reviews, you're truly amazing.

been waiting for this chapter forever. I didn't really like reading about what spike was going through but i understand it. Please update soon, i look forward to all your updates.

Author's Response: Thank you, anon. I also don't like what Spike is going through right now, it's all very sad. :(

i'm SOO glad you're writing again, i love this fic. i love the way you write, the things you include in it, the details are fantastic. i wouln't usually say i'd beta, cos i don't always have time for people that update often, but if it's just someone to readthrough that you want, and give an opinion that it's ok before you post, i can do that no probs. great writer like you doesn't need someone telling you about grammar, and you've probably already found someoneby the time you check this review, but if not, my email address is jadangel2001@yahoo.co.uk, and that's my msn address too if you wanted to chat about anything. keep writing if you can, it's a joy to read this again.

jade.
xxx

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review, you're amazing. :) I'm glad I still have people that are reading; it's great, after all this time I was off I thought everyone would have forgotten about this story. As for a beta, I don't think I really need one anymore... I know, I'm a change-my-mind-all-the-time weirdo, but I think I'm comfortable now with writing this, knowing that people are still reading and enjoying.

I don't want him dead. And maybe I shouldn't have wrote that. You probably don't know this. But I'm ooooooooo. I don't leave reviews much anymore. I just try to stay away from stories like this. Especially this story because I was so disappointed to see Spike yet again the one who needs redemption and not Buffy..
But it didn't work that way. So, i let it be.
I saw it now. I'm trying to read it again the parts that I didn't. As huge as a Spuffy fan that I'm. I hope that Buffy doesn't take Spike back. I think you made him to terrible to her for me to want them back together. It doesn't matter if Spike changes into a better person. Sometimes, you have to learn your lesson by losing everything. And i think that this is what this Spike needs. Although, this will hurt my Spuffy heart. When writers to this and make Spike so terrible and awful then i usually don't want them to end up together. So, again it is hard right there to read a story where I don't want a Spuffy ending. Some stories I can see Spike changing into a better person and Buffy taking him back. And some I really can't picture Buffy taking spike back. And those of the stories that I try to figure it out and don't read. I think some authors do a great job and some do a poor job with that.

I am wirting an AU story where Buffy is the one who needs to change and be a better person. This Buffy is going be mean and awful. And it will be lots of angst. And people who love the character Buffy probably wouldn't like it. . But I don't think I will ever put it up. Maybe one day. Not anytime soon. But i like to think it is a different type of story.

good luck with the rest of the story.

I



Author's Response: I had an inkling that you were oooooo. As for the story and the malice towards Spike, not everything is at it seems. This story definitely has an Iago or two, people who are being deceitful right now. I don't want to spoonfeed the ending, but I do hope that Spike will be redeemable after the situation has progressed and we see how things really are. I'm *not* going to have Buffy just drop everything and take him back; that has never been my style. I do hope you post your AU fic; it seems interesting. I must say, though, that for me, at least in season six and seven, it was Buffy who changed for Spike, not the other way around, and she was wholly the bad person. That's just my opinion, though. Thanks for reviewing, ooooo.

Hmmm, that is an interesting take on self-mutilation. For my experience, it´s not that you feel numb, more of the opposite. The pain inside is so unbearable that you crave the distraction of the physical pain. Throw in hate for yourself, need for punishment and self-destruction and inability to feel anything positive inside, and that is one take of it. Also, that feeling of walking dead pops up much later, when you look back to that period of time and realize how empty you were. I never felt that way in the middle of it. This is what I wrote about it:

The Cut

The knife beckons, what I need to see,
is filthy blood running away from me,
a useless life flowing down the drain,
washing away the emotional pain,
who am I to deny the rightful order,
the blade glistens, I overstep the border.

Not room enough here for wasting space,
her second coming, I´ll get out of my face,
the only cleansing quality of my mindless deed,
is extinguishing her infectious evil seed,
run, hush, bleed out of my blue vein,
make me feel like someone else again.

Ruby patterns of seductive numbness -
I welcome the silence, that makes me feel less,
what a cut, a nip, a tear can provide,
is distraction from the shamble inside,
I used the programmed reaction of the shell,
to not feel the heat of my internal hell.



Author's Response: That's a very powerful poem. Thanks for sharing it with me, it means a lot. It's definitely a different take on self-mutilation; maybe I didn't touch up on it enough, but he's trying to trade Buffy's emotional pain for his physical pain. He's so delusional that he thinks the tradeoff will work. I have seen people do this before. In addition, he was trying to feel something, anything at all. I didn't go the completely opposite way, of him being too painful and self-destructive, because... well, I don't know, really. He's already a very self-destructive person that takes things too personally (to say the least) so it wouldn't be that much of a change in the character. In addition to that, I'm trying to make parallelisms to Buffy's state in season six. I hope this fic might give a little more clarity to the show, and people will finally stop saying that Spike was evil in season six. Because he most certainly wasn't; to me, he was her savior. Thanks for sharing, again. Very coincidental that you put the poem up, because next chapter I'm going to have Spike recite a poem very much akin to that.

Ooh, a new chapter! :) I didn't expect you to update so soon, but I'm glad you did. I thought I had to wait for like weeks... but I didn't have to :) Thanks!
Absolutely loved it, even though it was very dark. Maybe it's the darkness I like... Anyway, you're amazing updating! :)

Sharing Spike's agony, he's down, being self-destructive to feel. I doubt I never can understand people who cut themselves IRL, mostly because I'm afraid of pain. There must be a better way to feel, to deal with the pain. Well, I have never been that depressed... but I know what it's like to be blunt, like nothing seems to matter. You get really cynical, or I got cynical, luckily it didn’t last long. The total opposite to the caring person I am.

I wonder how Buffy's doing? Will next chapter deal with her agony?

I like the way you write, your texts are full of details, and I like the way you make your language vivid, it's great. The interaction between Spike and Wesley was good. I liked the fact that Spike realized that he needed help, now it can only get better... I guess he will meet Buffy, when he goes to school, he can't avoid her forever.

You need a beta? I might not be the right person, I need a beta myself. *lol* But your grammar and spelling is excellent, so I wouldn’t have to check that, just read.
Maybe? It’s up to you... I won't be sad, if you don't choose me, just so you know... I'll keep reading anyway! :)

/ Ariadne


Author's Response: You're the person that inspired me to get my butt back in gear and write this thing... I thank you for your awesomeness and reviewing all the chapters, once I responded to them I just wanted to write and write. Spike's depression is very easy for me to relate to and write because I went through something very similar. I didn't cut myself, no, but some *very* bad things happened to me, and as a result I was in my own downward spiral for six months. So, yeah. We'll see Buffy next chapter at school. Thank you for complimenting my writing; you don't know how much that touches me. I always try to be as descriptive and vivid as possible, using my wild imagination and weird literary references to their fullest. You are correct in that Spike knowing he needed help is key to him getting better. As for a beta, I really dunno if I want one anymore. I think I'll continue talking with Verda about where I'm going, but I don't think I will send out chapters to people for review. Thank you for offering, though; if I ever need one, I'll know where to look. Thanks for reviewing.

I'm so glad you finally updated. That's great. I really liked this chapter...I don't know it didn't seem as dark and depressing and I really liked that. I really hope that you can update soon.

Author's Response: My writing isn't hopelessly dark anymore, it's just dark. ;) You can thank my time off for that; I'm sure if I wrote this chapter three months ago it would have been very depressing. Although it still is, I just want to move plot forward and show that Spike does indeed see the light. Thank you for reviewing! :D

Very powerful stuff. Though self-mutlilation is terrible I' am glad that Spike feels remorse because he truly was awful in a way that cannot be excused. I look forward to seeing his process of redemption.

Author's Response: It's a very large step in the right direction that he feels guilty of his sins. Being remorseless is probably one the worst things he could have done, and I'm glad he didn't hold onto it for dear life and just accepted he was a terrible person. You're all too right about redemption being the next theme; that is definitely where I am heading. Thanks for reviewing.

ooo loved it...can't wait to read the next chapter:)

Author's Response: Thank you very muchly. :)