Hmmm, that is an interesting take on self-mutilation. For my experience, it´s not that you feel numb, more of the opposite. The pain inside is so unbearable that you crave the distraction of the physical pain. Throw in hate for yourself, need for punishment and self-destruction and inability to feel anything positive inside, and that is one take of it. Also, that feeling of walking dead pops up much later, when you look back to that period of time and realize how empty you were. I never felt that way in the middle of it. This is what I wrote about it:

The Cut

The knife beckons, what I need to see,
is filthy blood running away from me,
a useless life flowing down the drain,
washing away the emotional pain,
who am I to deny the rightful order,
the blade glistens, I overstep the border.

Not room enough here for wasting space,
her second coming, I´ll get out of my face,
the only cleansing quality of my mindless deed,
is extinguishing her infectious evil seed,
run, hush, bleed out of my blue vein,
make me feel like someone else again.

Ruby patterns of seductive numbness -
I welcome the silence, that makes me feel less,
what a cut, a nip, a tear can provide,
is distraction from the shamble inside,
I used the programmed reaction of the shell,
to not feel the heat of my internal hell.



Author's Response: That's a very powerful poem. Thanks for sharing it with me, it means a lot. It's definitely a different take on self-mutilation; maybe I didn't touch up on it enough, but he's trying to trade Buffy's emotional pain for his physical pain. He's so delusional that he thinks the tradeoff will work. I have seen people do this before. In addition, he was trying to feel something, anything at all. I didn't go the completely opposite way, of him being too painful and self-destructive, because... well, I don't know, really. He's already a very self-destructive person that takes things too personally (to say the least) so it wouldn't be that much of a change in the character. In addition to that, I'm trying to make parallelisms to Buffy's state in season six. I hope this fic might give a little more clarity to the show, and people will finally stop saying that Spike was evil in season six. Because he most certainly wasn't; to me, he was her savior. Thanks for sharing, again. Very coincidental that you put the poem up, because next chapter I'm going to have Spike recite a poem very much akin to that.

Ooh, a new chapter! :) I didn't expect you to update so soon, but I'm glad you did. I thought I had to wait for like weeks... but I didn't have to :) Thanks!
Absolutely loved it, even though it was very dark. Maybe it's the darkness I like... Anyway, you're amazing updating! :)

Sharing Spike's agony, he's down, being self-destructive to feel. I doubt I never can understand people who cut themselves IRL, mostly because I'm afraid of pain. There must be a better way to feel, to deal with the pain. Well, I have never been that depressed... but I know what it's like to be blunt, like nothing seems to matter. You get really cynical, or I got cynical, luckily it didn’t last long. The total opposite to the caring person I am.

I wonder how Buffy's doing? Will next chapter deal with her agony?

I like the way you write, your texts are full of details, and I like the way you make your language vivid, it's great. The interaction between Spike and Wesley was good. I liked the fact that Spike realized that he needed help, now it can only get better... I guess he will meet Buffy, when he goes to school, he can't avoid her forever.

You need a beta? I might not be the right person, I need a beta myself. *lol* But your grammar and spelling is excellent, so I wouldn’t have to check that, just read.
Maybe? It’s up to you... I won't be sad, if you don't choose me, just so you know... I'll keep reading anyway! :)

/ Ariadne


Author's Response: You're the person that inspired me to get my butt back in gear and write this thing... I thank you for your awesomeness and reviewing all the chapters, once I responded to them I just wanted to write and write. Spike's depression is very easy for me to relate to and write because I went through something very similar. I didn't cut myself, no, but some *very* bad things happened to me, and as a result I was in my own downward spiral for six months. So, yeah. We'll see Buffy next chapter at school. Thank you for complimenting my writing; you don't know how much that touches me. I always try to be as descriptive and vivid as possible, using my wild imagination and weird literary references to their fullest. You are correct in that Spike knowing he needed help is key to him getting better. As for a beta, I really dunno if I want one anymore. I think I'll continue talking with Verda about where I'm going, but I don't think I will send out chapters to people for review. Thank you for offering, though; if I ever need one, I'll know where to look. Thanks for reviewing.

I'm so glad you finally updated. That's great. I really liked this chapter...I don't know it didn't seem as dark and depressing and I really liked that. I really hope that you can update soon.

Author's Response: My writing isn't hopelessly dark anymore, it's just dark. ;) You can thank my time off for that; I'm sure if I wrote this chapter three months ago it would have been very depressing. Although it still is, I just want to move plot forward and show that Spike does indeed see the light. Thank you for reviewing! :D

Very powerful stuff. Though self-mutlilation is terrible I' am glad that Spike feels remorse because he truly was awful in a way that cannot be excused. I look forward to seeing his process of redemption.

Author's Response: It's a very large step in the right direction that he feels guilty of his sins. Being remorseless is probably one the worst things he could have done, and I'm glad he didn't hold onto it for dear life and just accepted he was a terrible person. You're all too right about redemption being the next theme; that is definitely where I am heading. Thanks for reviewing.

ooo loved it...can't wait to read the next chapter:)

Author's Response: Thank you very muchly. :)

please continue this

Author's Response: I will soon.

So, Spike will be William for a while... Or?

Author's Response: Maybe forever; I definitely want to put some William back in Spike.

Faith, I just hate her...

Author's Response: She's a bitch in this story, I agree.

Their relation is getting even more weird... using each other.

Author's Response: Yes. Not very original, granted, but it's the way I went with the story.

Unexpected ending, liked it.

Author's Response: :D Thanks!

Stupid Riley... I hope he stays away from Buffy.

Author's Response: Don't we all, even on the show? ;) But he wouldn't be Riley if he did. Thanks for reviewing.

I don't like her grandpa at all. Good that Spike really cares about Buffy...


Author's Response: He really does, and that's what makes this tragic.