It's very scary to be a first time author! I know how I felt when I started putting my story out there. I think you have a very powerful story inside your head. Minx gives you some great advice. Slow down and tell it, don't rush. Set scenes.

One thing people say often is "Show, don't tell." If you can show how he is being inconsistent with her (rather than say that he was) it has a lot more power. Tell a little story, showing how he behaved and describe her feelings as it happens. That helps pull the reader in to care about the characters.

What you can do is to find how your favorite authors "show, don't tell." Notice how they write a scene, then try to picture your scene in a similar way - but with your voice - if that makes sense.

You have a lot of story here - best wishes with it!

Author's Response: Thank you very much! I will work on that!