Spike saw Joyce and Buffy come home later that night, Buffy holding a dress bag. He raised an eyebrow as he watched her walk inside the house and up to her room.
‘Do I get a sneak peek of it?’ he thought curiously, thankful that their rooms were directly across from one another. ‘Maybe I can figure out a way to ruin it before Homecoming.’ He grinned. ‘She’d never forgive me for that.’ He lit a cigarette as he cracked the window open a little. ‘But then again, there are a lot of things she’ll never forgive me for, so why not add another one to the list?’
“Those things will kill you,” Buffy said as she walked past her window, smelling cigarette smoke. Spike smiled and fully opened his window, sitting on the ledge of it.
“I’m surprised you’re not supporting it, then,” Spike replied. She smiled and sat on the edge of her window, facing him. “So, I saw that you went dress-shopping.” She nodded, curious as to how long he had been watching her. “What does it look like?”
“Why would I tell you?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. He shrugged.
“I don’t see why not,” he replied. “It’s not like it’s your bloody wedding dress.”
“It’s dark green,” she said, looking at the dress that was now hanging in her closet. “Pretty simple, too. Doesn’t have anything on it- it’s just satin.”
“Sounds lovely,” he replied, and she looked at him, surprised. “I’m sure you’ll look good in it.”
“Are you okay?” she asked, quirking an eyebrow. “Because you almost sound nice tonight.”
“What? I can’t be nice to you sometimes?” he asked, smiling. She tilted her head.
“Seriously, do you have a fever or something? Or maybe you’re high,” she said, looking at him. “Have you been dabbling with illegal substances tonight, Spike?”
“Ha bloody ha,” he replied, exhaling a swirl of smoke. “Does it matter if I did?”
“No, I guess not,” she said. “If you want to screw your life up more, go right ahead.”
“Thanks ever so,” he said, flicking his cigarette outside. “Doesn’t this remind you of junior high school?”
“Don’t even start,” she said in a warning tone, glaring at him.
“Oh come on, luv,” he replied. “Can’t we talk civilly about our past?”
“Before you became a raging jerk who didn’t give a damn about me anymore? No, I don’t see how I can be civil about it,” she shot back, crossing her arms.
“You know that’s not how it was,” he said sternly, looking at her. “I cared about you until the last minute of our relationship.”
‘And still bloody do,’ he thought sadly.
“You were the one who ended it, Spike,” she said.
“No, I believe it was more than mutual,” he replied. “If not more on your end than mine.”
“Well what was I supposed to do?” she said loudly. “We slept together, you became distant, you changed your look and a lot of your attitude, we slept together again, and you told me as I was getting dressed that night that I didn’t fit your new persona anymore, so it was best if we called it quits.” He clenched his jaw. “Or have you forgotten all of that already?”
“I was a stupid kid,” he replied, looking down. “I’m sorry it ended like that.”
“And I’m sorry I ever let it get that far,” she said sharply. He looked at her, hoping that she couldn’t see the hurt in his eyes. “We were young, Spike- there’s not too much else to say.”
“Did you really love me back then?” he asked, and she looked down.
“You know I did,” she replied, and he nodded. “But it wasn’t enough, was it?”
“It…it was more than enough,” he said, looking down at his car. “Maybe subconsciously I just wasn’t ready for everything with us, you know? Like maybe it was too much too soon. I wasn’t prepared at 14 to just spend my life with one woman, Buffy, even if it was you. I wanted to try new things and experience everything I could.”
“In the process, devastating me,” she pointed out, looking at him, feeling tears forming in her eyes. He looked at her. “If that’s really how you felt, you could’ve talked to me about it.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” he replied, and she scoffed.
“Yeah, because you didn’t hurt me at all otherwise,” she said sarcastically, getting off the ledge of her window and standing up. “It was all daffodils and teddy bears.”
“Buffy-” he said, but she cut him off.
“You deserve all of the hell I’ve put you through over the last few years,” she said. “And sure, I deserve some of the stuff you’ve done to me, but I will never forgive you for hurting me the way you did. I loved you and trusted you more than anyone else, and it wasn’t enough for you.” She slammed her window shut and pulled down her shade, finally allowing a couple of tears to spill down her cheeks.
* * *
Spike lay in his bed that night, staring at the ceiling. She turned off her light sometime around midnight, but he couldn’t bring himself to sleep. His mind was racing, mostly with memories of his past with Buffy, from the most angsty to the sweet, loving ones.
‘I really fucked it up,’ he thought, running his hand through his hair. ‘I had something really good with her.’ He paused as he saw her light flick on at two in the morning. ‘Maybe it’s not just me that’s battling some inner turmoil right now.’
He quietly walked downstairs and grabbed a pair of scissors on his way outside, heading towards his father’s garden. He approached a white rose bush and chopped off the prettiest rose he could find before walking to Buffy’s car and sliding the rose through the driver-side door’s car-handle. He smiled to himself and went back inside.
The next morning, Buffy walked outside to her car and saw the rose. She gingerly grabbed it and sniffed it, smiling softly.
‘White is a sign of tranquility, peace,’ she thought. ‘And surrender.’
A/N Yet again, you all shocked me with the number of reviews for the last chapter, so thank you! I hope you stay tuned to see what happens in the next installment:)
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