Buffy ran, and ran, until she could run no more. She was halfway across town, far beyond Revello Drive and the Jenkins Building, when her legs finally gave out on her. She slumped down on the grass next to the road, still sobbing.
All she could think about was Spike. Spike and Officer Rayne and Harmony and Xander and Faith and Anya and...it was a jumble. All of it, everything, was twisted and turned upside down. She felt like she could almost feel her world breaking, shattering, falling away from her forever.
Those files...they were just words. Just words, yet they cut into her like knives. Such descriptions, of drug deals, crack houses, and brothels—filled with horrifying details, yet she’d seen it all before. What ripped her apart was the fact that it wasn’t the people at Jenkins’ who were committing all those crimes. It was the people she worked for.
For four years, she’d been convinced that she was doing the right thing, fighting on the side of good. It was horrifying to learn that all this time, she’d been helping the kind of people she hated.
And Willow...oh God. What if Willow was a part of it? Conspiring with Rayne and the others—Buffy’s tears suddenly increased tenfold. Imagining Willow, gentle, stuttering, compassionate Willow, as a cold-hearted killer—
No. That, at least, couldn’t possibly be true. She knew Willow. They’d been best friends for what felt like forever. Willow was even less likely to be a criminal than Spike was.
That meant, then, that either Willow was being strung along just as Buffy was, or Willow had known all along. If that last was the case—
God, god, god...why me? Why here, why now? And why—why did it hurt so much?
She rocked back and forth, oblivious to the curious stares she was garnering from passerby—though of course, she thought bitterly, none stopped to help.
Drowning. She could feel herself drowning, becoming lost, in a sea of emotions that wouldn’t let up. And what stung most, what hurt her beyond her entire former concept of hurt, was Spike’s betrayal.
And betrayal it had been. He had known. All that time, he had known who—known what—she was, and he had said nothing. He had fought with her, flirted with her, made her think that she might possibly fall for him—
Only to realize that he’d been lying to her all along.
Had it been a ploy? Had he been luring her into a false sense of security by playing with her emotions? She’d like to think he’d been genuine, but that file proved that he was perfectly capable of lying through his teeth. He played others for power all the time, never mind the fact that his manipulations were for the side of good. To Buffy, that little detail didn’t matter. He played with people, and he had played with her.
And the fact that his betrayal devastated her—that knowledge that she had come to care enough for his betrayal to hurt—that was what had her on the ground, crying her heart out.
She didn’t know how long she lay there, didn’t care actually. All she knew was that after awhile, the sobs stopped, and all she could do was stare at the cement sidewalk. Cold. Empty.
Footsteps neared—she didn’t care. A voice, distantly, called out her name—no. The name she’d taken for the job that was helping the evil powers of LA.
“Buffy. Buffy, pet, listen to me.”
It was Spike. Funny how it would be Spike. He was the worst of them all. Worse than Harmony, worse than Riley, worse than Rayne—worse than Angel, even.
She continued to stare at the ground. His voice became more and more desperate, calling that name over and over again. She ignored him.
But when he touched her, when he put a hand on her shoulder, she jumped up and looked at him with frightened eyes. And when she saw Willow next to him, talking to him with the ease of great familiarity, she collapsed.
Willow had been in it all along. Like Spike, Willow had betrayed her.
And now Willow was saying something. “Buffy,” the redhead began, looking at her friend with great concern.
Buffy jumped up. “You knew,” she said in a dull tone. Willow looked guilty but said nothing.
“You knew!” An anguished wail into the sky.
And then she was gone again. Running on legs that burned from exhaustion, running through the woods of the park, fighting through brambles and bushes—trying only to get away from the only two people she’d ever loved, and the only two people who had ever broken her heart.
*
Spike was ready and willing to spring after her. In fact, he would have, and damn the consequences, had Red not restrained him. “Spike. She needs time.”
“She’s half-crazy!” And she was. Anyone with even half a wit could see that much.
“And you chasing after her is only, only gonna make it worse!” Willow cried out, stuttering in her distress. “She’s not—she’s not stable right now. I knew coming along was a bad idea...”
This rebuke, combined with his memory of the look in Buffy’s eyes when she stared up at him, made Spike clench his teeth. “’D thought seein’ you might calm her down a little,” he explained. “An’ since it hasn’t, ‘m gonna go after her. Bloody hell, she could get killed, the condition she’s in!”
He tried to make his voice sound tough, like he cared more about how useful she was than the fact that she might get hurt, but his voice roughened and nearly broke with emotion toward the end of his tirade. Seeing Buffy like that, half in pieces and furious with him, practically mad because of the discoveries she’d made, was enough to make him crazy.
Willow looked at him sympathetically. “I know you’re upset, and I’m upset too, there’s lots of, um, upset-ness, but you can’t get all caveman on her. Buffy’s strong, she’ll be alright, and you should g—“
“Don’t you dare tell me to go home,” Spike snarled. “’M not gonna go away when the woman I care about is lyin’ out there somewhere, cryin’ her heart out!”
“The woman you care about?” Willow asked quietly.
“Well...yeah.”
“Funny how you’ve spent the entire time you’ve known her telling a bald-faced lie.”
“Hey—that’s not true! We talked ‘bout the business around her all the bleeding time!”
“Yeah, in terms so, so vague you knew she wouldn’t understand,” Willow shot back. “And you weren’t exactly honest about the whole knowing who she really was thing, were you?”
“Oh, look’s who’s talking? Little Miss Friend-Since-High-School didn’t bother lettin’ her know you just happened to be spyin’ on the whole bloody LAPD!”
“Hey, no British cussing!” Red frowned at him disapprovingly. Spike almost screamed in exasperation.
“Sodding hell, Red, this isn’t the time to start motherin’ me!” Thunder rolled in a distance, a frightening portend of things to come.
“Well, someone has to!” Willow had that stubborn look on her face that Spike knew meant she wasn’t going to budge.
He groaned. “Red—“
“No. A whole universe of no. Buffy needs time to absorb all this!”
“What about what I need?” Spike demanded. “”Cuz right now, I need to know that she’s gonna be okay!”
“And what about what she needs to know?” Willow demanded.
He stared at her. “What the bloody hell are you talking ‘bout?”
“What I’m talking about is the fact that right now, she’s probably thinking that neither of us respected her enough to tell her the truth. So we need to show we respect her by not running after her like we think she’s a little kid who can’t be trusted out on her own. Because, if she thinks that, then that would, would be bad...” Willow faltered and then trailed off, more than slightly daunted by Spike’s hard stare.
“Look, Red, you can say what you like. ‘S far as I’m concerned, you can sit here all night long an’ speechify ‘bout me giving Buffy respect. Thing is, ‘m not gonna listen. So bugger off, a’right?”
He felt more than slightly bad about giving Red such a telling-off, especially since her eyes were all hurt, but somehow he couldn’t stop. All he knew was that she was trying to stop him from going to find Buffy, and that just wasn’t going to happen.
“Spike, I was just—“
“I know. An’ I appreciate it, but right now, ‘ve got bigger fish to fry. You go home now, ‘k?”
He didn’t bother waiting for her to reply. Instead, he patted her on the head, gave her a slight smirk as a sort of reassurance, and pelted off into the darkness, determined to find Buffy.
It wasn’t easy; his little secretary knew how to cover her tracks. Luckily she was also a predictable little chit—she went straight to her house.
He came upon her as she stumbled up the steps. He watched her fall and scrape her knees—by the time he was close enough to help her, she’d picked herself up and was trying to jam a house key into the doorknob.
He took the steps two at a time. “Buffy!”
She whirled around like an animal caught in a trap. “Don’t call me that,” she bit out.
He smirked at her. “’S who you are, innit?”
“No!” She tried again with the key, still having no success. “So what, you’re gonna torture me now?” she asked, pain laced through her voice. “Laugh at me, mock me? Or were you just planning on killing me since I clearly know too much?”
“We don’t do that. That’s the LAPD’s job.”
He knew he’d said the wrong thing as soon as her face contorted even more. “Oh, s-sorry, I forgot,” she said, her voice wavering pitifully as she attempted to keep a steady tone, “It’s my other boss who’s the evil bastard!”
And that, Spike could now clearly see, was what was torturing her so much. God, he wished she’d stop. She was practically wetting her knickers, she was so upset, and it twisted his heart to see her like that. “Luv, that’s not—“
” Fair? Is that what you were going to say—that’s not fair? Well, sorry, but I’ve got news for you—this whole thing isn’t fair!” She finally managed to get the key in. She gave the doorknob such a savage twist that Spike would have sworn he heard the wood crack and stumbled into her house.
“Buffy, wait—“
“Spike. It’s over.” Her voice was quiet, and he knew she was talking about more than the secretary gig.
“That’s it?” His voice was calm, malicious, even, but inside he was screaming. “That’s the way this is gonna end?”
Buffy shook her head—not a denial, but a negation. “There never was a this, Spike,” she spat. “All there was, was you lying to me. That’s it.”
And before he could say another word, she slammed the door in his face.
He stood there, staring at the door, for a long time. Buggered if he knew why, after the way she’d just got done treatin’ him, but he still cared. Funny how just starin’ at a door could make you feel like your heart was bein’ ripped out...
After awhile the thunder that had been threatening in the distance pealed overhead and the rain began to fall: huge, fat drops that spattered on the pavement and soaked Spike to the bone. Yet still he stood, like stone, staring at the door. There had to be some solution to this problem. He could break down the door...
It was only when the lightning began striking that he realized he was in some danger, standing in the middle of the storm like he was. And though he didn’t care, personally, whether he lived or died, there were dozens of others who depended on him being alive come morning. So once the lightning started striking, he walked home.
This is the end, he thought bitterly as he walked down the abandoned street. The whole bloody thing ended before it could even start.
As he walked up his driveway and entered his own cold, empty house, his tears mixed with the rain. Tears for Buffy, for himself, for the evil that surrounded them and tore them apart.
For what might have been, but now never could be.
~*~
A/N: Life got really hectic on me for a few days there, sorry I didn’t get the chance to update before this! I’ve decided maybe I should make my chapters a little shorter, not because I’m trying to cheat and write less per day, but because I think it’d maybe make ‘em easier to read...? I dunno, tell me what you think plz. I write for myself, but whether or not I change the chapter length will depend on you guys. Thanx to SoulNyte, Jess, Bleh, Nic, and Steph for reviewing! The reviews were especially awesome this time around because after I wrote that update I kinda looked at it and winced. I was half-convinced it was the suckiest thing I’d ever written. Seeing positive reviews had me so happy I was practically dancing in my living room! SoulNyte, thanx for the thanx for the thanx! lol. Review plz, the next update’s coming soon :)
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