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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey i don't know what happened!!! I went to update chapter 11 and found that somehow chapters 8 9 and 10 were gone.....odd little story gnomes seem to be out to get me, not only have the chapters been lost but also any reviews i had got for them :( So i hate to beg, but i am also able to check how many ppl are reading the chapters compared to reviewing and i dont know if the majority just dont like what they're reading, are too busy to review or dont know what to say but just so you all know anything is good!! even telling me what you would have like to have seen
Chapter 10


A/n: Thanks for all the reviews fre, buffy4spike, Alice and tadams, it means a lot I hope you enjoy this installment! Buffy4spike: I put your addy down in the mailing list slot, hope it works if not I’ll just email you from mine to let you know in future k? Alice: If buffy was pregnant then it would have to be angels child and not spikes, and I didn’t want him to have that permanent hold over her.



Buffys House- The Kitchen Table

"Do you want anything to eat or drink?" Buffy asked Spike, trying to prolong the happy, almost loving atmosphere, for as long as possible. She didn't know how he was going to react to her news. Would he blame her for letting it happen? Would he act like the big brother she never had and get it into his head to give Angel a seeing to? Or would he just act as if he didn't know her? She knew she couldn't deal with that, but she also knew she had better tell him and give it a chance to sink in before he'd be faced by Angel.

"No, I'm not hungry, thanks. But if you've got a can of Coke, I wouldn't say no, luv."

"Here you go," said Buffy, handing him his Coke and sitting down at the table across from him. She looked at him and managed to catch his eye. She sighed and just lowered her eyes, unable to look at him and tell him the truth at the same time. She wondered if she did what would she see in them- loathing, pity, anger, or worst of all, nothing.

He put his hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong, Buff. Did I do something wrong?"

"You didn't, but I did."

"What? What do you mean? You didn't do anything wrong. . . " It suddenly dawned on him. "Are you talking about the 'dirty linen' you mentioned earlier?"

All Buffy could do was nod.

"Look, luv, if you don't feel up to talking about it, don't. There's no pressure. You know that, don't you?"

"No, I have to tell you. . . it started about two years ago. I didn't know what to do, who to tell, . . . who'd have believed me anyway. It was nearly always my fault though."

"What was?" he asked, but it was almost as if he hadn't said anything. Her eyes, though welled up with unshed tears, just stared vacantly at the wall as if she was in some sort of a daze.

"It was just . . . I was so lonely when you went. For god’s sake, I took to sleeping in your duster 'cause it smelled like you. They all tried to help me, console me, but I wouldn't let them. I didn't want anyone but you. I pushed them all away when I needed them the most."

Buffy started chewing on her lip and looked so vulnerable that Spike couldn't help himself and went over to her, wrapping his arms around her. That's when Buffy just couldn't hold the tears in anymore and let them stream steadily down her cheeks.

She gestured at his arms, sighed, and started again. "You shouldn't touch me. You wouldn't want to if you knew. You wouldn't want to be near me if you knew."

"If I knew what?" Spike asked gently.

"After I pushed every one away, I . . . I felt that I'd nothing left to live for. The love of my life - gone, and in my state of mind, I felt that my friends had left me and not the other way around. So I tried to be the old me, the one they all knew and loved, but that didn't help. I just felt like I was spending all of my time trying to be ok so they didn't worry. It was so exhausting, and then . . ."

"Then what?" he asked tenderly, prompting the story on.

"Then when I was on a major low . . .one I didn't think I'd ever get out off, I thought I found a way. I thought I could make it work. All I would have to do was try a little, but it turned out that I couldn't. I couldn't do anything right anymore."

"What didn't work?"

"Me and Angel," she murmured, hoping he wouldn't hear, but no such luck.

"You and that poofter?! What?! Why?! And how did he manage that?"

"At first, I was having none of it. It started just after you found out you'd have to go to England."

"Are you telling me you were cheating on me?"

"No! No nothing like that, I swear. He just kept trying to convince me to leave you for him, and I just kept saying no."

"But you never told me."

"I didn't see the point. The two of you never liked each other. I thought it was just a crush, that he'd get over it. But he didn't. It almost turned into a little ritual. He'd keep asking me out, and I'd keep saying no, but it didn't stop him. I'd go to my locker and find a red rose or the latest album from my latest favourite band just waiting for me, with little love notes attached, sometimes even drawings he had done."

"And whoever said money doesn't buy you love?" Spike spat bitterly

"I guess I deserve that. But one day, things changed- as I said it was my all-time low. I'd locked myself in my bedroom, refusing to eat anything. All I did was sit there, in your duster, smoking."

"But you never smoked, always hated it. Never stopped giving out to me when I lit up, giving me lectures of how I'd die from it and all."

"I know , I know . . . but it, well, it kept the duster smelling of you. Needless to say, my mom started getting really worried, even threatened to check me into a mental hospital if I didn't pull myself back together. So I tried. I started going out to the Bronze, going back to cheerleading practice- all the things that a 'normal' teenage girl is supposed to do."

"Why do I feel that there's a major 'but' coming along?"

"But I was still just a shell of a person. The only time I seemed to be able to feel any emotions was when I was touching someone else, so. . . I finally said yes to Angel."

"But why to him? Why not to . . . well, to anyone else?"

"Because I thought he really cared about me. He'd never given up on me after two months of me saying no, so I agreed to go to the Bronze with him, and a few dates later, it was official. We were Sunnydale High’s 'perfect couple'." Buffy seemed to sneer more at herself than anyone else.

"So he just took over from where I left off then, did he?" Spike asked bitterly.

"No! No, he was nothing like you. Never was, never will be. And I'm not just talking about the two of you looking like chalk and cheese. The two of you have almost nothing in common."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Just that the two of you have different. . . human traits. That's not coming out the way I mean. Ok, let’s try this way. If I have to pick three words to describe you, they'd be caring, sweet, and well, yeah, sexy would still be in there."

"And if you have to pick three for the poofter, what would they be? Hair gel, poofter, black clad hunk?"

"Umm. . . no. I'd pick deceitful, unfaithful and… " She didn't think she could say the third, but it was now or never. " And . . . abusive."

"That's why I was wanted back here, isn't it? And Willow never told me . . . Hell, you never told me . . . How many times did this happen?. . . How long did it go on for?"

"It started the night that I stopped calling you. He told me that it was the same as cheating on him, and that no one was allowed cheat on him. Then he hit me."

"Why didn't you just get up and leave? End it there and then?"

"Because I was afraid. He claimed he was sorry, that he'd never do it again. He claimed that's why the two of you fell out … that you had stolen one of his girlfriends, and he wasn't planning on letting you do it again."

"But why did you believe him and not ask me for my side of the story?"

"He looked so heartbroken about the whole thing. God damn it, the bastard even cried!"

"Then why didn't you leave him the next time? Why stick around? Did you have a death wish or something?"

"No, it wasn't like that. Who'd have believed me? Angel was the 'all round good guy'. . . momma's boy, teacher’s pet, and all that bullshit. No matter what scandal got thrown at him, it never stuck. So what good would it have done to tell anyone? And as for leaving him, he wouldn't have let me. He told me I wasn't the one who got to choose when it was over- he was, and that there was nothing I could do about it."

"Why didn't you write to me, tell me somehow?"

"Well, there was the whole not having your address problem. Anyway, what could that have done? You would have been able to do nothing anyway. You were too far away."

"I could have tried something, anything. I dunno. I could have tried to come home earlier. It was kinda my fault it all happened in the first place."

"What?! How?"

"Well, if I had never went away, chances are you would never have said yes to him, and even if you did, I would have been around and would have kicked the shit out of the ponce for you. Speaking of which, where is he?"

"Road trip. Should be home in about a fortnight. Promise me, Spike, that you'll do nothing . . . "

"What? And let him get away with what he did to my girl?"

A stunned silence settled around the room. Spike had called her his girl. Buffy could have jumped for joy if it wasn't for the whole awkwardness of the situation.

"So, I'm still your girl?" she asked shyly. "Well, if I'm your girl, you would listen to me. There is no point in trying to beat up Angel, no matter how good your intentions are. Don't you see, if you do, you're no better than he is. I don't want you lowering yourself to his level. You're better than that."

"It would still feel good to see him crumple like a baby."

"Come on, Spike. Promise me you won't."

"O.K. I promise, but for the record, I'm not liking this one bit."

"I know, I know," she soothed. "But I know something that you might like."

"What?"

She pointed at the clock. "Do you realize what time it is? ‘Passions’ is on now in like five minutes. Don't look so scared, I never told anyone that you were a softie at heart and that you have been known to cry during this show."

"I never did . . . well maybe once or twice, but there were very good reasons."

Buffy smiled. "Its ok. Your secret’s safe with me."





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