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Spike got out of the airport and hailed a cab, he tried calling Buffy a bunch of times but she’d never answered. He called Xander but whenever he asked about Buffy he got evasive. He knew something was up but had no clue as to what. He shut his eyes and drifted into a light sleep in the cab after giving the driver the address.





“Dear Buffy,

I’m sorry that I’m leaving like this, it’s not what I wanted to do. But it’s what I felt I have to. I understand your mad at me, I shouldn’t have said what I did last night, it was rude. I’m a sodding idiot sometimes. I do have feelings for you kitten, they just wont ever go anywhere further than friendship. They can’t and if anyone can understand why it’s you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had and I love you with all my heart in that sense. But I cannot love anyone more than that. I’ll be home at the end of the summer and I pray to god that I can salvage our once great friendship. You will always be in my heart and thoughts no matter happens. If you don’t forgive me I will understand and respect whatever rules you set while I’ll be staying with you and Joyce. She’s a great lady, please give her my love. If you don’t want me to talk to you I wont, if you don’t want me around you I’ll stay as far away as possible. I’ll do whatever you ask. I’m sorry that I wont be there if you have a nightmare, it saddens me that you will be alone if that happens so I’ve something of mine on Mr. Gordo, in case you need something to calm you down.
I’m sorry and I’ll call you during the summer.
‘Spike”

Buffy laid down the letter, she’d read it a thousand times since she’d found it on his bed the night of the horrible phonecall that told her she’d lost her mom. He'd left his silver cross around Mr. Gordo's neck. She knew she should have told him, called him right away but she couldn’t. He had pushed her out of his life in a way and this was her payback. After re-reading the letter she realised just how sick her payback had been. She knew there was going to be hell to pay when he found out. He had really liked her mom, especially after she’d made him hot chocolate with those little marshmallows in it. Buffy sighed. It was Friday night and she was on her way to the Bronze to meet Riley in a few minutes. She didn’t know why she’d agreed to go on a date with him, he was more friendship material (if even that) then he was boyfriend. But Angel had hurt her and now Spike had. In very different ways of course but for some reason Spike’s rejection had hurt more. She had wanted him, she had opened up and let go of her fears to try and be with him and he had pushed her away.

He wanted to be friends, she would give him that. She couldn’t bring herself to hate him no matter how hard she tried but that didn’t mean that they would be good friends like before. She wouldn’t let him hurt her again.

Her doorbell rang, interrupting her thoughts and she raced down the stairs to meet Riley. Right on time, somehow she had known that he would be. She gave herself a once over and opened the door.

“Wow” Riley smiled, “ You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” She returned his smile, it wasn’t that he was a bad guy, just plain. Well I’m gonna give plain a chance since nothing else has worked out for me she thought and linked her arm through his. “Let’s go have some fun.”


Buffy and Riley drove away not seeing the taxi pulling into her driveway. Spike got out of the car after paying the man and walked inside. He put his duffel bag down and went straight to the fridge for a glass of milk. He flicked on the lights and saw a note on the table. He picked it up.

“Spike,

Sorry I didn’t take your phone calls but I wasn’t ready to talk to you then. I’ve gone to the Bronze so I quess well talk when I get home. Theres a lot to tell you. We can still be ‘friends’ Spike, just not like how it was. I know you’ll understand that……Anyway, welcome back. Your class schedule came in the mail today, school starts Monday. Xan said he’d go to the mall with you tomorrow to pick up the supplies you’ll need for Monday and to phone him when you get in.


Buffy”

Spike put the letter down and walked into the living room to drink his milk. Looking around he saw that something was off. His eyes scanned everything until they focused on a card sitting on the bookshelf. What he read made him rush to the bathroom and throw up. Joyce was dead, she hadn’t even told him. She’d let him find out from a sodding sympathy card from his own mother, who had also lied to him. He put on his coat and called Xander.

“Hello?”

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he yelled.

Xander winced. “I’m sorry she wouldn’t let us Spike. She didn’t want to have to see you at such a hard time, didn’t want to feel worse then she already did.”

It was Spikes turn to wince, had he hurt her that much?

“Take me to the bronze.”

“I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”

Spike hung up without saying goodbye. He was pissed at Xander but he would get over it. His friend had only been looking out for another friend and in a way he respected that.

He looked at the picture of Joyce and Buffy on the living room wall and sunk to his knees. Poor Joyce….poor Buffy….




Buffy was dancing with Riley and having an alright time, which was fine by her. There was no bad vibes coming from him, boring ones, but no bad. And she could live with that. Suddenly the hairs on the back of her neck raised and a shiver went down her spine. She looked around to see if someone was staring at her and she gasped. There he was, his hair was a mess of spikes/curls and his face was streaked from tears. He was dressed all in black with his leather coat and she couldn’t help but think of how gorgeous he looked. Wait! Streaked with tears….oh shit! Buffy realised what had happened.

“Something the matter?”Riley asked when he felt her tense.

“I have to go talk to someone, do you mind?” Her heart was going a mile a minute, she knew he was gonna blast her.

“Of course not, I’ll go get us some drinks at the bar.”

“Thanks”she whispered as she walked over to him.

“Spike…”she started but was cut off when he rushed at her and grabbed her into a tight embrace, she could feel his tears on her cheek as he clung to her. Why wasn’t he yelling, why was he being nice?

“I’m so sorry”he mumbled between choking sobs.

She rubbed his back as he continued to mutter apologies and he finally calmed down. He pulled out of her arms and looked into her eyes. She looked away.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His eyes held a hundred different emotions.

“I……I couldn’t be around you right then. You really hurt me.”

“So it was payback then?” He was getting pissed now.

“In a way.”she mumbled.

“Look me in the eyes pet. I want you to see my face when I tell you this.”

She looked up.

“I truly am sorry for your loss and in a way I understand why you didn’t say anything.” He cupped her face and sighed before letting it go, dropping his hands to his sides. “But keeping something like that from me is unforgivable, I really liked Joyce, loved her in a way even. Just like I loved you in a way.I never held back from you, I was always honest.”

Buffy flinched when she noted the past tense of the word loved. “You did hold back Spike, you held back feelings. We could have been happy. But you threw it away and ran to the closest plane. I could have loved you” If he could use past tense then she could too.

“I could have loved you too,” he said softly and placed a small kiss on her forehead before he continued, “but we both made mistakes. Frankly Summers, the way I found out was disgusting. Walking into an empty house and seeing a sympathy card from my own mother who didn’t even tell me that Joyce was dead….” tears fell from his gorgeous blue eyes “frankly, you both make me sick.”

Buffy stared at him in open shock. He was right. He had hurt her but she had gone one step farther and broken him. Just then Riley walked up and slung his arm around Buffy protectively.

“I don’t think you should be talking to her that way.”he said trying to sound menacing.

Spikes eyes popped. “And who the fuck are you captain cardboard?”he demanded.

“Hes my boyfriend.”Buffy blurted out, she didn’t even know why. Maybe it was because she knew that she had ruined any semblance of a possible friendship with him and it killed her on the inside. As much as she’d been telling herself that it would never be the same between them again she had hoped for a “happily ever after” with the blond in front of her. But that was the little girl inside her, the little girl that knew what ‘grown up Buffy’ wanted even though grown up Buffy didn’t know, the little girl that had died the second Spike told her how much she disgusted him.

Spike snorted and looked at her one last time. Love, hurt, anger all flashed through his eyes but it was the last thing she saw there that she would never forget. Disappointment.



Thanx for all the reviews guys, hoped you like this one. I’ll try to post again tomorrow…..let me know what you thought…please J





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