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Chapter 20 – The ‘T’ Word


Quietly walking into Spike’s house, Buffy bit her lip when his hand found its way to hers, holding tight as he led her up the stairs. She knew what he wanted out of this, but she didn’t know if she could give it to him. At least, not right now.

“Spike,” she whispered when they reached the landing.

“What is it, pet?” he asked, tilting his head to study her.

“About tonight…”

“You were just putting on a show for Angel,” he filled in, trying to give her a smile even though his stomach was tightening as he prepared for her rejection.

“Partly,” she whispered, looking down at the floor. “But, it’s just…”

“Come on,” Spike said, tugging on her hand and pulling her toward his bedroom. “We can talk in here.”

Following him into the room, Buffy let her hand slip from his grasp as he turned to shut the door. Each felt an immediate sense of loss as they were separated.

“Alright,” he said, turning to face her and trying to keep his expression neutral. “This mean we can talk now?”

“Uh oh,” Buffy said with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. “The ‘T’ word. That never leads to one of our better conversations.”

Spike chuckled before walking over to the bed and sitting down. His smile slowly faded as he studied her suddenly serious expression, watching as she hugged her arms around her body and looked up at the ceiling.

“How do you feel about me?” she finally asked, her voice laced with insecurity.

“I like you,” he said, trying to convey the honesty in his tone.

“Like me, as in- want to sleep with me a few times, or-”

“Like you as in like you,” he replied, trying to make her understand.

“Oh,” she said softly, her eyes widening in slight surprise.

“Come here,” he said softly, holding out a hand to her. Seeing her resistance, Spike gave her an easy smile. “Trust me, luv. Not going to push you into anything- just come here.”

Closing the distance between them, Buffy hesitantly let him pull her toward the bed. Swallowing a gasp as his arms banded around her waist, she giggled when he continued to sit on the bed and propped his chin up on her stomach.

“Tell me about you,” he whispered, smiling when her hands ran through his hair, loosening the hold of the gel and letting the curls spring free.

“What about me?” she asked, her eyes never leaving the movement of her hands as Spike closed his eyes in contentment.

“Anything,” he replied, resting his head more comfortably against her as Buffy continued running her hands through his hair.

“I don’t know what you want to know,” she said in a quiet voice, smiling down at him when he pulled back to look at her, letting his hands comfortably rest on her hips.

“Come here,” he said, moving back on the bed. Seeing the panicked expression cross her face, Spike chuckled. “Are we going to have to go through this every time I ask you to get close to me?”

“Maybe,” she murmured with a smile playing on her lips.

Spike inwardly breathed a sigh of relief when she moved closer to him, climbing on the bed and slowly moving to lie down next to him.

Eagerly opening his arms for her to rest against him, Spike closed his eyes as she rested her head against his shoulder and let her hand trail along his stomach.

“What happened to your father?” he asked after a moment, running his hand through her hair.

Buffy swallowed the lump in her throat, closing her eyes for a moment. “He left,” she whispered, drawing strength from him as she relaxed in his arms. “The classic story. Cheated on my mom for years, left us alone all the time, going on so-called ‘business trips’. He’s somewhere in Europe now…living the cliché.”

“I’m sorry,” Spike whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

“I always said that I would never turn into my mom,” she murmured in a choked voice. “Is that a bad thing?”

“Your mum’s a tough lady. Strong, capable…there are worse things.”

“I don’t mean the way she is now,” Buffy said softly. “I mean the way she was…before. She never stood up to him. She never had the willpower to ask him to stop. And she knew,” she whispered with a nod of confirmation. “She knew, every single time that he said he had to work late or had a business trip…she knew what was happening. And she didn’t do a thing to stop it. I don’t ever want to be like that. I don’t want to invest my heart in someone just to let him hurt me.”

“Invest it in the right person…and he won’t,” Spike whispered, pulling her close.

“Right, because there are just so many stand-up guys out there,” she replied with a laugh.

“There’s a few,” he said softly. “You just have to scratch the surface a little. Get past the exterior, and there are a couple of decent blokes left in the world.”

“Like you?” she asked, trying to keep the skepticism out of her voice.

“Like me.”

“You like playing the field a little too much, Spike,” she said, shaking her head. “I’ve seen the way you act with the girls at school. They practically line up for you to use them. Who’s to say your opinion won’t change? You could turn into the kind of guy that you’re so much against right now. It’s just not worth it,” she trailed off in a whisper.

“I will never do that to you, Buffy.”

“Yeah,” she murmured. “You say that now, but what else would you say? ‘I promise to be good to you now, but a few years down the road, don’t expect me to be faithful’. I’m sure my dad said the same thing at some point in time- leaving out the last part, of course.”

“You listen to me,” he said, sitting up and pulling her with him. “If there was ever a chance I would hurt you like that, I would leave. I wouldn’t put anyone through that kind of pain. It’s not worth it,” he continued, shaking his head. “It’s not worth something that, when it all boils down to it, is just a moment in time. Just a moment of sexual gratification with a stranger. A fraction of a second out of a lifetime could destroy everything. Your father was an idiot. To leave someone like your mum- to leave a life filled with happiness with the two women who should mean more to him than anything- just so he could try and recapture his glory days is ridiculous.”

Listening to his quiet declaration, Buffy felt tears sting her eyes as a smile pulled at her lips. “Thank you,” she whispered, tilting her head to brush her lips against his.

“For what?” he asked, looking at her with a hopeful expression.

“For being you. The real you.”





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