Spike heard the door upstairs burst open, and he threw down the magazine he had found, knowing it was Buffy. Seemed kind of early for a shag, but he had quickly learned to not question it. Although she was more careful about what she said after they finished shagging, she still wouldn’t stay, probably afraid her virtues would start to eat away at her.
Seeing her form come down the ladder, he began with a grin, “So early, pet? I’m flattered you couldn’t wait ‘til our usual time-,”
When she turned around to face him, his expression dropped.
Tears brimmed her eyes.
Stepping forward immediately, he asked hesitantly with worry in his eyes, “What’s wrong, Buffy? Are you alright?”
She nodded as she struggled with her emotions and choked out, “Yea, I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong, Spike.”
Looking confused, he searched her sad expression, and she looked up at him in anguish. Understanding dawned on him.
She put her hand up to her mouth, trying to suppress a sob, the other arm wrapped around herself.
Closing the distance between them, he hesitantly put his hand on her shoulder – not sure how much she would let him comfort her.
As she let the tears slide down her face, she wiped them away quickly. Looking up at him, she asked, “Does it make me a bad person when it hurts to see them happy?”
“No, of course not, luv,” he soothed, catching a tear with the back of his finger. He was shocked that he was the one she had run to, although it made sense since the problem was about her friends. Even still, he realized this moment would change everything…unless she pretended it never happened.
She shook her head, not accepting his answer. “What’s wrong with me? Why did I come back wrong?” her voice was pleading with him, with anyone, to give her the truth.
“I didn’t mean that,” he said with regret in his tone, knowing she remembered what he had said to her that first night. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Buffy. You’re perfect.”
Hearing his words, she laughed once through her tears. She gazed into his eyes and saw something there she had often refused to let herself see. Mesmerized by the intensity in his expression, she didn’t hesitate when she tilted her head up and kissed him softly.
The soft way her lips were brushing against his surprised him, and if he had a heart beat, it would’ve raced. He wormed his arm around her waist, drawing her closer slowly, as the kiss began to deepen.
Their tongues caressed each others, moist and soft lips intermingling. But he could taste the salty tears on her face, and he knew it wasn’t right. Gently pushing her back by the shoulders, he conveyed his explanation through his expression, asking for her understanding. Now was about the time she punched him in the nose and ran out of his life forever.
The pain of reality came back to her – even Spike didn’t want her. Turning away from him to leave, Buffy felt cold.
“You don’t have to go, you know,” he said, halting her.
She turned back around.
Seeing her indecision, he came up to her and ran his hands lightly down her arms, but she looked about two seconds away from fleeing.
Changing his mind, he decided that if she wanted to forget, he would grant her that, even if it meant he was nothing more than cold comfort. He didn’t want her to leave – not when she was like this. Leaning down to kiss her, he pulled her back towards the bed.
She stopped him, and he inwardly cursed himself, thinking he had ruined it earlier.
To his surprise, she asked, “Can…can we just sleep?”
Finally, he nodded, trying to mask his insecurities by pulling her towards the bed slowly. Spike didn’t know if he was allowed to hold her, so he got on the bed first and let her follow. He didn’t know if she was joking. Any minute now, she would burst into laughter and mock him for believing she would ever do such a thing.
Holding his unneeded breath, he waited for her as she followed, lying down beside him.
Buffy didn’t go into his arms, but she was close enough so that her face was nestled next to his chest. Wishing she could just ask for what she wanted, she opted to move a little closer, hoping he would reach for her.
At her little shuffle, he risked turning towards her and placing his arm around her waist. When she didn’t shove him away, he relaxed.
“Just one thing, Spike,” she suddenly said, her eyes still closed.
“And what’s that, luv?”
“If you use this against me, I’ll stake you.”
Resisting a grin, he replied, “I’ll remember that.”
Before Buffy drifted to sleep, she realized that sex wasn’t the only thing that made her forget.
‘Yea…definitely something…’ Spike thought as he smiled down at Buffy’s now-sleeping form.
~
“Buffy, we were worried about you yesterday,” Willow began, hoping for an explanation.
Seeing her friend sit down at the table with them, Willow looked between Dawn and Tara.
“I was out patrolling,” Buffy lied, grabbing the empty plate on the table and taking pancakes off the stack in front of her. She hoped they would let it go, because she was actually remotely in an O.K. mood.
“With Spike?” Dawn offered, biting into her pancake.
“Um, yea,” she replied, looking up at them to convey a sense of casualness. “Lots of nasties out there left over from…when I was gone,” she finished, seeing everyone’s expression flicker.
Just then, Xander and Anya came through the door. “Morning,” they both called out, walking to the table.
Buffy gave them a small smile as the others greeted them.
“Look, Anya. The Pancake Crew made us breakfast,” he clasped his hands together as he got a whiff, immediately sitting down and grabbing a plate.
Dawn raised her eyebrow at him, “We charge by the cake, buster.”
He waved the motion away with his hands, “Add it to my tab, Pancake Princess.” Looking up at Buffy, who was looking increasingly uncomfortable by the moment, he asked through a full mouth, “Where’d you run off to last night, Buffster? We wanted you to enjoy the festivities of Game Night.”
“You know, I came up with that idea, didn’t I, Xander?” a proud Anya beamed. “Ok, well, it may have existed already, but it was my idea to make it our weekly thing, you know, so Buffy could-,”
A hand over her mouth stopped her from finishing up the sentence. Xander laughed nervously, “Anya, sit down and have some of these delicious pancakes.”
Buffy was finding it increasingly hard to ignore all their sympathetic looks. Tone tighter, she tried to sound normal, “I went out patrolling with Spike.”
Xander frowned, “Again? You don’t have to patrol three times a night, Buffy.” They had all agreed to try and spend more time with Buffy so that she could start feeling like she belonged again.
“I want to,” Buffy replied quietly, looking down at her food.
“Well, will you at least let us come with you?” Willow asked, her eye contact with Xander acting as communication.
“It’s ok, guys. Spike and I got it covered,” she inwardly cursed herself for not sounding more casual about that.
“You seem to be spending an awful amount of time with our resident Chipped-Wonder,” he commented with an inquiring look.
Her eyes widened slightly, and she looked up at all of them, who were all looking at her. Dawn swallowed her pancake bite and looked down.
“Am I on trial?” she asked defensively.
“No, Buffy, that’s not how we mean it,” Tara offered with an apologetic smile.
“We’re just worried about you,” Willow added, nodding.
“And we want to spend time with our best bud,” Xander said. “You’re spending so much time with Spike patrolling that we hardly see you anymore. We just want to know what’s going on, Buff.”
They all suspected that Buffy had been going to Spike instead of going to one of them to talk. Though they tried continuously, Buffy refused to open up.
“You don’t want to know,” Buffy said in a low voice as she got up from the table, her abruptness making the chair screech across the floor.
“Buffy, how can we help you if you won’t talk to us?” Willow pleaded, making the other girl stop in her tracks.
“Yea, we want to know,” Xander tried to comfort.
Shaking her head, she wished she had never left Spike’s crypt. “You know why I spend most of my time with Spike?”
They waited patiently for her to continue.
“Because I feel… comfortable around him.” She let the word come out, tired of having to hold her real thoughts back.
Xander snorted, offended. “You don’t feel comfortable around us, but you feel comfortable around a blood-sucking killer?”
“He’s not always trying to get me to be something I’m not,” she replied, silencing the room.
Willow shook her head, “We don’t want you to be something you’re not, Buffy.”
She laughed bitterly, trying to control her emotions. She hated this, she hated not being able to tell them. And they were asking to know. “You wouldn’t understand, Willow. I can’t explain it to you guys.”
“Well, why don’t you try?” Xander’s tone came out a little pushier than he would’ve wished.
“Fine.” Buffy crossed her arms, looking at them all but leaving Dawn out of it, knowing she didn’t question her time spent ‘patrolling.’ After all, she’s the one that liked Spike. “I don’t feel comfortable telling you guys everything, because it would hurt you.”
At the beginnings of realization in their eyes, she reasoned with a softer expression, “How can I tell you how much life hurts without hurting you at the same time?”
“Buffy, I-,” Willow began with a tortured look.
Buffy put up her hand to stop her. “That’s exactly what I mean, and that’s not what I’m looking for, Wills. It’s o.k. – it’s over. I just…I just don’t know how to deal with the pain sometimes,” she finished quietly. “Spike…he understands it – he’s been there.”
The silent room could only be filled with slight nods of acceptance and sad glances.
“Just…let it go, o.k.?” she asked with a tired expression. “I need time.”
“Ok, Buffy,” Willow and Xander agreed, the others silently nodding.
They scattered, going about their day as Buffy went upstairs.
Outside in the shadow of the patio, standing with a sizzling blanket, was Spike with a slight smile on his face.
He could give her all the time she needed.
~
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Author's Chapter Notes:
These all act as standalones - point being, insert a lot of time and more of the Spuffy S6 sexual relationship in between them.