Second Thoughts
“You’re thinking about it,” Spike whispered in Buffy’s ear as they sat on a bench, watching the ocean outside the Boston Harbor Hotel. After dinner they had decided to sit for a while and just watch the water. He’d made sure to keep her busy after the kiss so that she wouldn’t dwell on it, but he knew it would inevitably catch up to him. He supposed it was better to happen while she was with him than when alone. That way when the shoe dropped, he could be there to pick it up. As soon as silence had fallen between them, he knew her mind had drifted to it. His did, so it wasn’t absurd to think hers had too. Course, it’d been in the back of his mind all day. The way she tasted, the way her breasts squashed against his chest, her hands digging in his shoulders, her moan of pleasure, the softness and the fullness of her lips, the way her hair felt between his fingers as he held her in place . . . Yeah, he remembered all too well. He was bloody well consumed by it.
“I am,” she admitted without hesitating. She looked up at him. “It was wrong of me to do that.”
“Did it feel right?”
“Doesn’t matter how it felt.”
“That’s all that matters,” he countered.
“Really?” she asked challengingly. “So, let’s say we
were in a relationship and I kissed another man behind your
back. If I told you it felt right, would that be all that matters?
Would you forgive me that slight because it ‘felt right’?”
She had him there and he knew it.
“That’s what I thought,” she said, a tad smugly.
Spike turned his body in towards hers and reached
out, toying with a strand of her silky hair. He was starting to
feel that if he didn’t touch her, he’d go mad. Not only that, but
maybe if she remembered how felt it right to touch him . . .
“Buffy, were you disappointed when Lindsey
cancelled plans with you for tonight?”
She hesitated.
“Honest,” he ordered her.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t have to see him and feel bad that I
didn’t remember our relationship and have him look at me like
a lost puppy,” she blurted out.
“Do I make you feel that way?”
She looked at him and shook her head. “Not the point,
William!”
“You don’t love him, Buffy, that’s the WHOLE point.”
“I don’t love you either,” she retorted.
That hurt. He had to expect it though. How could he
expect her to love him? She’d known him for an even lesser
amount of time than Lindsey.
“You feel something for me,” he finally said, quietly.
“Yes, I do,” she admitted. “It doesn’t make it right for
me to go off and kiss you when I have a boyfriend.” She
stood up and faced him. “Apparently I’m not as loyal as I
thought I was.”
“It felt right, though, didn’t it?”
“That doesn’t make it okay for me to go around kissing
you!” she exclaimed in frustration. “I love how you have all
the answers, William. All the answers that suit you and your
purposes.”
Spike stood, standing inches from her. “And what is
my purpose Buffy? Tell me what you think my purpose is.”
“To get me to leave Lindsey so I’ll be with you instead.”
“Buffy,” he sighed and took a step back. He dug in his
pocket for his cigarettes and lighter. She watched him silently
as he lit up. “I’m not going to lie to you Buffy, I do want you
with me. Because I love you.”
She inhaled sharply and took another step back. He
tossed his cigarette and stepped up to her, taking her by the
arms. “And part of loving you means I’ll do whatever it takes
to make you happy. If you’re truly happy with Lindsey, then I’ll
not do a thing to stop you from being with him.”
She snorted at that.
“I mean it,” he ground out. “I won’t lift a finger.”
“Then you’d just walk out of my life if I asked?”
He shook his head. “No, you mistake me. I’m not
strong enough to just walk away Buffy. And as giving as I
can be, I can also be a selfish bastard. I can’t just walk out of
your life now Buffy. I’m not capable of that. Part of loving you
means I have to stay in your life and make sure that you’re
kept happy.”
She looked down at her feet, shifted them. He let her
go and waited.
“What happened with us?” she finally asked.
Spike took a deep breath. “We spent time together and
one night . . . we made love. You left me the next morning.
Left before I was even awake and I couldn’t find you. It was
like you disappeared into thin air. I entertained the thought that
I imagined you for a bit.”
“And I never told you about Lindsey?”
He shook his head. “Nope.”
“I wonder if my accident was my payback,” she
murmured.
“What?” he asked, startled.
“Perhaps I was self destructive in my affair with you.
Why would I do that? I don’t understand. I thought I was the
sort of person that stayed, fully stayed and never strayed
once I was in love –“ she stopped abruptly.
“Answer your own question as to why then pet?”
“Perhaps.”
“Why do you stay? Why do you stay if you hate the
way he looks at you? If you hate that you feel guilt for not
remembering, why do you stay?”
“Because of the guilt. I feel like maybe if I stay and try
my best, if I make him happy by being the doting girlfriend, my own guilt will be alleviated.”
“It’s not working though, is it?”
“I’m doing the best that I can.” She stopped, clamping
her mouth shut. “You know what? This is not the
conversation I should be having with you anyway. You just
said you’re in love with me. Of COURSE you want me to
question my relationship and feelings to him. The last person I
should be discussing my relationship or lack thereof, is with
you,” she started to walk away.
Spike grabbed her arm. “Don’t walk away from this
Buffy.”
“There is no this!” she exclaimed, wrenching her arm
free. “This is just another case of Buffy not being able to do
anything right. I can’t remember anything, I don’t know
anyone . . . I can’t please anyone—“
“You please me.”
“Because I kissed you and agreed to meet you. You
want me to ask questions and get to the bottom of things, but
you only want me to do it so it’ll benefit you, not me!”
“I want you to ask so you’ll feel more in control.
Because in the short time that I’ve known you, you would
never do anything intentionally to hurt anyone so the fact that
you’re stressing about the fact that we had an affair, that
you kissed me today, tells me that you ARE loyal and you DO
care about others. It tells me that you don’t cheat, but that
something is wrong with the picture he’s painted for you and
he’s guilted you into staying with him.”
“I do that to myself, he doesn’t—“ she broke off,
flexing her fists.
“Except when he gives you puppy dog eyes.”
Buffy sighed heavily and after a long time finally
looked up at him and met his eyes. “You’re absolutely right.”
He held his breath. “About?”
“I need to follow my gut. Ask questions. All of it.”
“And that means?”
“My gut is telling me that something is wrong here.”
“What does that mean Buffy?”
She smirked, “You mean what does that mean for us
right?”
“Thought there was no ‘us’.” He couldn’t help but
retort bitterly.
She stood straighter and looked at him
defiantly. “You’re right. There isn’t.”
Immediately, Spike softened and moved closer
to her. “Buffy, what are you thinking?”
She gazed up at him with her wide green eyes
and he saw nothing but tenderness there, the hard edge
from moments before gone. “Nothing bad,” she said softly.
“What is it?” Spike pressed, placing his hand on
her forearm, resisting the urge to pull her closer to him and
not let go.
“I think I’m just going to need to take some time
and sort it all out—“
He shook his head. “No,” and he wrapped his
fingers around her arm.
“Spike, I’m not leaving you. I start work
tomorrow –“
“And you need me now, more than ever,” he
insisted.
“I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to
take control of my life. Please Spike, just let me.”
He stared at her, caressing the side of her
face. “I just want to be there,” he whispered. “I want to be
part of it all.”
She smiled, “I know. But I don’t want you to lead
me and I don’t want to lean on you too much. I need to be my
own person. Please, Spike, let me.”
“How long?”
“A few days. I’ll call you.”
His grip tightened. “Promise?”
She nodded. “Promise.”
“I love you Buffy.”
“I know.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you! :)