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Intuition

"Buffy, come on in. How are you?" Tara McClay, Buffy's doctor neurologist smiled as she ushered Buffy into her office. It'd been a few days since her experience at Lindsey's and Buffy felt the need to see the doctor that had been assigned to her case to possibly get some answers.

"I'm good, thanks. How are you?"

Tara smiled. "Not very often that a patient asks a doctor that."

"Yeah, well, I'm not like most patients. Or people for that matter.

"I'd have to agree with that. My first amnesiac," Tara told her and sat
down at her chair while Buffy sat across from her.

"So, even though I'm the first, is it possible that you could answer some
questions for me?"

"Of course. Or, at the very least, try my very best from what I do know of
amnesia."

"Okay," Buffy took a deep breath and started to play with the straps of her
purse in her lap. She wasn't quite sure how to start.

Tara tilted her head to the side, "What's on your mind Buffy? Something
happen?"

"I'm not sure . . . Well, yes. But not really?"

"Why don't you tell me?" Tara chuckled. "At this rate, we won't get
anywhere."

Buffy relayed what happened with the remembered phone number and
then launched into the Lindsey fiasco. "I felt tense when I got in the house.
But I just chalked it up to the fact that it was the place of my accident, the
place where I literally lost my memories. Plus, the place I lived at with
Lindsey and have no recollection of."

"Some guilt there perhaps?"

"Yes. But he doesn't make me feel guilty. Well, he does when he wants to
rekindle what we had and I can tell he gets frustrated when I slow him
down."

"Have you told him it makes you uncomfortable?"

"Well . . . No."

"I think that would be a good first start. How do you feel about him?"

Buffy smiled. "Are you a neurologist or psychologist?"


Tara chuckled. "Little of both at times."

"I feel . . . uneasy about him. Unsure."

"Because of the guilt?"

"Among other things. . . " Buffy trailed off, looking away.

"Like?"

"He was intense when I was there. Really intense. He got on this kick
about makeup. . . " and Buffy explained what happened.

"How did you feel before you knew the reasons why he was on the makeup
train?"

"I felt like he was telling me I wasn't good enough without the makeup. He
just kept forcing the issue . . . I didn't get it."

"Did it sound like he was trying to control you?"

"I guess I didn't really put that much thought into his actions, I was just
feeling confused and overwhelmed by the other emotions whirling inside of
me by just being there."

"Tell me more about your visit," Tara urged.

"Okay, well, I went to the bedroom and lay down on the bed we shared. I
felt tense still. I felt anxious and lonely with this underlying fear laced
through. When I went into the bathroom, before I opened the medicine
cabinet, I recited the items in there. I knew what they were—like the
phone number. I just knew and recited it."

Tara's eyes widened. "That's excellent Buffy."

"Yeah, but. . .What does it mean? I mean does that mean my memories
are coming back? How can I know this stuff without it bringing back actual
memories? How can I FEEL these things but have no memory of what
could have made me feel that way?"

Tara leaned in, "Buffy do you believe in reincarnation?"

"Uh, yeah, I do. Why? Is this another one of those ‘I have a second chance'
speeches? I've heard enough about those from Spike and Angel already."

"Spike?" Tara quirked an eyebrow.

"Long story. Continue please."

"Well, see, my girlfriend is a witch—"

"And so are you."

Tara froze.

"I saw your pentacle," Buffy said sheepishly. "It doesn't bother me. It
actually comforts me. Which is part of the reason why I thought aside from
the scientific approach to why I experienced whatever it was that I
experienced, you probably had another approach too."

Tara smiled. "I do, bear with me."

"Okay, go ahead," Buffy gestured for her to continue.

"Well, there are some theories in reincarnation about what the soul
remembers from each life. Do you have any phobias? Fear of heights or
anything that you can't really attribute to anything that happened when
you were younger?"

"From what I remember, I can't stand to have anything on my neck when
I go to bed. I can't even handle a shirt collar around my neck."

"Do you know why?"

"Nope. I used to wear t shirts all the time to bed when I was a teenager.
When I turned, I think twenty – one, I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Okay, that's good."

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "Good?"

"Well good that I can explain this better."

"Oh. Ok."

"There is a theory that things like that—a sudden aversion to something
you were fine with before has to do with something that happened to you in
a past life. In other words, your sudden aversion at the age of twenty one to
having things around your neck when going to bed could be because your
soul or your spirit if you will remembers that at the age of twenty one in a
previous life, you were strangled to death."

"Oh!" Buffy exclaimed, horrified.

"It's like . . . my girlfriend Willow for example. If she comes home late at
night, she automatically puts her hand over heart while unlocking the door.
She believes she was murdered by a knife through the heart at night and
that is her subconscious protecting her from the attack. Some even say that
a rare birthmark is the mark of something that happened in a previous life
and your spirit carries it over into the next life to remind you, or just
because what happened was so intense, it hasn't cleansed itself from you
yet."

"So . . . what are you saying exactly? That my feelings on the house are
related somehow to what happened? We knew that though. I had the
accident there."

"I'm saying that what you feel about that house, in the rooms where the
accident did not happen could be directly related to what happened in your
relationship with Lindsey."

Buffy's heart was racing. "Are you saying that he could have hurt me?"

"Maybe not physically," Tara said carefully. She sighed deeply. "Buffy . . .
The uncertainty you feel around Lindsey could have more to do with what
your relationship was and less to do with your amnesia and feelings of guilt
and inadequacy. It might not be you at all."

"It could be him," Buffy said softly.

"Your subconscious is connected to your soul. It often knows what you
need, want and feel or what is going to happen before you consciously know
it."

"Your gut," Buffy said simply.

"Right. Intuition."

"So these feelings I'm having could actually be memories of another sort?"

"Right."

Buffy stood on shaky legs. "Thanks doc."

"Buffy, are you all right?" Tara asked, concerned as she stood.

"I'm uh . . . fine. Just gave me a lot to think about."

"Buffy, do you trust Lindsey?"

"I don't know."

"Do you really not know or are you afraid to know?" Tara asked.

"Both."



Thoughts heavy in her mind, Buffy made her way to her favorite café to
grab a latte on the way home. She'd been so busy at work lately, and her
mind had been working overtime at night going over things in her mind
about her experience at Lindsey's, her feelings and missing Spike . . . she
hadn't been sleeping well and found she needed more and more caffeine as
the days went by just to keep her going. She was considering looking into
sleeping pills, but didn't want to get addicted either. Now she felt a
headache coming on as she stood in line and she was sure it was a mix of all
the information Tara had piled up on her along with the fact that she was
lacking caffeine. He mind was swamped and taxed at the moment. All deep
thoughts of Lindsey and her feelings were going to have to wait for the time
being.

"Hey luv."

Spike's voice purring in her ear brought tears to her eyes. She turned to
find him behind her, smiling warmly at her.

Without even thinking she lunged at him, wrapping her arms around him
in a fierce bear hug. She buried her face in his neck and inhaled deeply. "I
missed you."

His arms wrapped around her instantly and he held her tightly against
him. "I missed you too, luv. So bloody much. Are you all right?"

"I – I just had a long day."

"Miss? You ordering?"

The clerk behind the counter was asking her, but she was too caught up in
Spike to notice.

Disengaging her a bit from his body, which earned a sound of protest from
Buffy, Spike sauntered up to the counter, his arm about her shoulders.
"Order kitten and then tell Spike all about it okay?"

She looked up at him and nodded, resting her head on his shoulder as she
gave her order. She hadn't decided just how much she was going to tell
Spike yet, so she was glad to have the reprieve of ordering coffee to figure it
out.

A/N: That make sense? Did I, or rather, Tara explain that okay?





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