Xander was suddenly wide awake. “Okay, what exactly just happened?”
*I had a dream. No wait, a nightmare. Definitely a nightmare.*
It had been several nights since the not-a-wedding and since he started staying in the cheap motel. He wanted nothing more than to be at his own apartment lying in Anya’s arms. But instead he was here in this strange place having nightmares about the disaster his wedding had turned into. He understood why he was dreaming about that. Xander knew that when you had something on your mind all the time your brain tended to keep thinking about it even while you slept. And he was definitely thinking about what an ass he’d been lately.
But the part about Buffy… well he wasn’t quite sure where that came from. It must have been the subconscious part of his brain trying to tell him something. And the whole thing with Buffy and Spike, well it was really wigging him out. Could any of it possibly be true? Sure he had dreams about his friends often enough, but this one was different. It was so real, so vivid. He couldn’t help wondering if there might be some truth to it.
Xander decided that the best thing to do would be to visit Buffy and just talk to her. He had spent enough time avoiding the issue of Buffy’s return from Heaven and her strange new personality.
Sure she seemed like herself and tried to fake that she was still the same old Buffy, but Xander had noticed a change in her. She was avoiding the entire Scooby gang, even Dawn. She was also keeping her emotions more hidden than she ever did before. She must have been dealing with a lot of pain since her resurrection, but she failed to show it lately and Xander failed to ask about it. He was so wrapped up in the wedding and all of his own demons that he didn’t realize Buffy and Willow were facing demons of their own.
The gang usually had no trouble fighting demons. But these kinds of demons couldn’t be killed with a spell or physical force. They were all internal and those were the hardest kind for Xander of the other Scoobies to face.
But Xander was sick of being a coward. He was sick of always having to run away from his problems. He was going to find Anya and do everything in his ability to show her how sorry he is for all of the pain he caused and how much he still loves her.
*It’s about time I start getting my life back in order.*
But first things first. He would visit the Summers’ home and start rebuilding his relationship with Buffy and Willow.
*Maybe they can even tell me where Anya is. Good thing I have the day off tomorrow. I will go first thing in the morning.*
And with that thought, Xander fell into a dreamless sleep.
Spike and I had left The Bronze. We were walking in silence once again. I tried to stare straight ahead most of the time but I kept feeling my eyes drifting towards his face. He didn’t look back at me though. He was staring ahead and he seemed to be deep in thought. I’m sure he was curious about what I had to say to him but he didn’t bother me about it. This seemed un-characteristic for Spike. Maybe he wanted to make sure he didn’t mess up his chances with me this time. I wish I could tell him that I’m the one who needs to be worried about screwing up this relationship. After all, it’s mostly my fault for how screwed up it is already.
All of a sudden there it was, my front door. We walked up the steps together and entered my house. I closed the door behind us and turned to Spike. He was looking back at me expectantly. The ball was definitely in my court.
“Uh… why don’t we go up to my room? We’ll have to talk quietly so we don’t wake Willow.”
“Okay,” he said.
I led the way up the stairs and Spike followed close behind. I checked Willow’s room to make sure she was asleep. Sure enough, her lights were turned out. I continued to my bedroom and again I closed the door. Spike spoke then, which was good because his silence was starting to scare me.
“You know, I used to come in her a lot last year before you un-invited me. And after you were gone I couldn’t come in here at all. The things in your room would have reminded me of you way too much. I had a hard enough time not thinking about you as it was.”
As he said that, silent tears started to burn my eyes.
“So I haven’t been in here for a while but I know now that you were right.”
“About what?” I asked.
“This place is in serious need of some redecorating.”
I quietly laughed at that. It had been a while since I felt this happy during a conversation with him.
“And as I recall you were going to offer some help with that.”
“Well my offer still stands, as long as you still want me around.”
“Of course I do. I hope you’re not planning on going anywhere.”
“There isn’t any place I’d rather be then with you, Buffy.”
“Me either.”
He looked very surprised. “What?”
“I thought I’d be better off without you. Well as it turns out the opposite is true. My life has been so hard without you, Spike. I… I’ve missed you.”
Those silent tears were becoming very real tears and started sliding down my face. I had never cried in front of Spike before, but as of tonight I had already done so twice. I guess all of the emotions that had been building inside of me for several months finally started to break.
“You wanted to know if I cried?” Well the truth is, I did cry. I cried the first night I broke up with you. I’ve cried myself to sleep practically every night since. There’s been this big whole inside of me. I think you’re the only one who can fill it.”
‘If I let you’ I silently added.
“Oh sweetheart, I don’t want you to cry because of me.”
“I’m not. I’m crying because of me, because it’s my fault. I’m so sorry I hurt you and pushed you so far away. I want… I want to start over again. I want to give us another chance, and I don’t want to use you anymore. I do have feelings for you, Spike. I do like you. I don’t know if I love you. Not because I could never love you, but I just don’t think I’m capable of loving at all right now.”
“I understand pet, I really do. What you need is someone who understands what you’re feeling and can help you through the pain. Let me help you. You don’t belong in the shadows, Buffy. I was very wrong about that. You just need to find your spark again. And remember, I will always love you no matter what.”
“Yes, Spike. I realize that now. Please help me.”
“I will love, I will.”
“So stay with me tonight. Could you please just hold me?”
Then he smiled at me. It was beautiful to see his face light up like that.
“Of course, Buffy.”
I got my pajamas out and changed right in front of him. Spike took off his coat and shirt off, but he left his jeans on as he crawled into my bed. I snuggled up to him and we held each other. I couldn’t help noticing, and not for the first time, how perfect our bodies fit together.
“Promise me something.”
“What’s that pet?”
“Promise you’ll never leave me.”
“I promise. As long as you want me here, I’ll never leave you.”
I smiled then. I felt more content then I had been in a very long time.
*Maybe this is my Heaven on Earth.*