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She’d been awake for an hour now without letting on, but as he’d been watching her closely all night Spike new she was no longer sleeping.

“Wanna tell me what you’re thinking about, luv,” he finally said with a hand moving to pull the hair back from her face.

“That if I open my eyes this will all go away,” she whispered. “And,” she opened her eyes and rolled on to her back, “that I need to talk to Angel.”

“What you need to see him for?” he made no effort to hide the jealousy in his tone.

“I was remembering what he said in the elevator,” she looked into his eyes to show him he had nothing to be jealous of, “and I think I owe him an explanation.”

“Don’t owe him a bloody thing,” he muttered.

“Yes, I do. He’s right about us not fully appreciating how hard this must be for him. The last time I really talked to him I led him to believe that there might be a future for what we had had,” she twisted her hands in the covers and stared at them. “I’m really not proud of having done that, but I did and it can’t be easy for him seeing me all gung ho to get you back after I told him it wasn’t like that. Again,” she said at seeing how hurt he looked at what she’d revealed, “not proud of having said any of that, but the fact remains that I did say it. And now I have to go set things straight. He’s bringing you back to life. To me. I really do owe him that much.”

“Fine, we’ll go have a heart to heart with the wanker,” he made to get out of the bed they’d shared.

“No,” she stopped him by saying firmly. “This is a me thing, not a we.”

He turned to see her slipping from the bed and going over to the bags she hadn’t bothered to unpack the night before.

“I’m just supposed to let you run off to him?”

“Yes,” she began dressing in the casual jeans and blouse outfit she’d selected. “And you’re going to stay right here and behave yourself because you know and trust that I love you. What I felt for Angel was over and gone a long time ago. I was just too stubborn to admit that before. I have admitted it now and the reason I need to see him alone is to finally get some closure on it all.”

After staring deep into her eyes for a moment he saw the truth of her words and let go of his jealousy with a relieved sigh.

“Love you, too,” he gave her a lopsided grin and silently let her know it was ok now.

~*~*~

Taking a deep calming breath, Buffy raised her hand and knocked on the closed doors of the office where she assumed Angel to be after not finding him in his apartment at the top of this building.

Upon receiving no response she knocked again then turned the doorknob and entered the room.

“Angel?” she looked around and saw him sitting at his desk brooding at something lying on the surface in front of him. “I … I knocked,” she said as she stepped hesitantly into the room.

“I heard you,” he raised a hand that held a tumbler full of blood and took a gulp of the liquid.

“Are you busy?”

“Just working on my block of wood mystique, as your lover,” he spat the word out bitterly, “would say.”

Not really expecting this kind of antagonism she stood uncertainly just inside the office and stared at him.

“Where is Casper this morning?”

“He’s still in bed,” she replied honestly then only realized when he winced how her words sounded.

“What’s it to be,” he finished his drink and sighed, “the ‘I’m sorry,’ ‘he’s not like you think he is and I love him’ or some other little speech?”

“Well,” she scoffed in disbelief at his attitude, “I had been thinking along the lines of ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner that I loved him and that I gave you false hopes about a possible future between us the last time we talked, but I do love him and I thank you for putting all that aside to help us’ speech, but if you wanna be like this I think I’ll save my breath.”

“Sorry,” he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, “had a bad night. Your little ceremony will open the gates to hell, do you know that? Is he worth that?”

“What are you talking about?” she approached his desk with a frown.

‘It’s all here,” he picked up a file from his desk. “Not sure we’ll be able to get the invite to Voca, though, seeing as I killed the thing.”

“You found it,” she gasped, ignoring his words in favor or reaching out to take the file from him.

Eagerly she sat down in the chair in front of his desk and began reading the documents in the folder. She cringed and gasped at many of the details enclosed, like the raising of the Voca demon – ‘he of pure darkness’ as the file proclaimed – monks preparing a holy place in the darkness and annointing it with oil while taking the blood of the living and gathering together the living dead. Upon reading how Voca had said how the very gate of hell shall open and the world above will tremble for that which is below shall arise, she began feeling a bit apprehensive at this plan.

“We can change this right? Ignore the things like calling forth that Voca guy and have Willow do the ceremony to get rid of all this evil stuff they’re talking about?” she looked up from the papers. “Right?”

“You’re setting out to do something that is against all laws of God, man and nature – bring back the dead – there is now way to get rid of the ‘evil stuff they’re talking about,” he stated.

“No,” she closed the file and stood facing her ex. “That is not what I’m – what we’re doing. Something – God, man, nature or those Powers That Be – wanted Spike back without me even thinking for a second of trying a stunt like this. We’re just finishing what they started.”

“Keep telling yourself that if it’ll let you sleep easier at night.”

“What the hell is your problem? Willow did this with me, went against all known laws to bring me back to life, and no one heard you complaining about that.”

“You were different. You’re a slayer and protector and the world needed, still needs, you - ”

“It needed and still needs Spike, too,” she interrupted softly. “He’s helped save it three times, two of those times he did it without a soul and one of those times he was saving it from you. He wasn’t born into it like me or really forced into it like you, he chose to be a champion and protector and the world needs all of those it can get.”

“And that’s your only reason for pushing this?” he scoffed in an effort to appear unaffected by her passionate words.

“You’re not going to make me feel like I’m doing something wrong in wanting him back for selfish reasons. I love him and I’m ashamed that I had to lose him like that to admit it, but I am admitting it. He’s more than in my heart. He has been for a long time. He’s in my head and my body and my soul and every fiber of my being, but,” she looked him straight in the eye, “I was willing to let him go. I was grieving, yes, every night I grieved and I would have continued to do so until someday it got easier to wake up in a world he died to preserve. Living with the guilt that even though I loved him I hurt him nearly every chance I got. That I had so often degraded what we had and when I finally admitted to loving him he rather nicely laughed in my face. It would have taken me a long time, but I have Dawn and my friends and I would have made without him. I don’t have to, though. He is not gone from this world and knowing that, nothing is going to stop me from having him back in my life.”

“Why weren’t you able to admit it sooner?”

“Because of you. Well, I guess more because of Angelus, but kind of the same difference,” she sat down again. “I fell in love with you, with all the warm fuzzies a gal gets with her first love, and then I made love to you and met Angelus. He showed how twisted and evil soulless vampires can be and why my life’s mission was to kill such things. Then it started happening with Spike. The warm fuzzies I tried to call anything but love because he was a soulless vampire - God, he was Angelus’s prodigy – and I just couldn’t believe that would happen to me twice. Because of you and Angelus I refused to let myself see that with or without a soul Spike was nothing like either one of you.”

“I think I’d rather hear your ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner that I loved him and that I gave you false hopes about a possible future between us the last time we talked, but I do love him and I thank you for putting all that aside to help us’ speech now,” Angel interrupted when she paused to organize her thoughts before continuing.

“Sorry. You kinda blew your chances at getting that one and I need to get this said. We have to actually face all this so we can both move on,” she looked him in the eyes again. “Don’t get me wrong. I loved you and part of me always will and I’ll always cherish what we had before Angelus, but it’s time we acknowledge that that ended when you lost your soul. With both mourn losing it, but it is gone and nothing will bring it back. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know what we have now is a friendship that we’re both pretty happy with when we don’t get to thinking too much about what we’d had.”

“I thought with all my years of experience I was supposed to be the wise one about what we were and needed,” he smiled sadly.

“You are, but you kinda dwell a bit on the past and take your time admitting a few truths,” she smiled back weakly.

“So you and Spike.”

“Hey, you wanted me to move on and find a nice human partner and after we’re done with this scroll thingy he’ll be just that,” she reminded him. “Speaking of the scroll thingy, we should be looking for it now.”

As she got to her feet Angel picked something else up off his and extended it toward her.

“You already had it?” she asked then frowned upon seeing that a corner of the parchment was scorched.

“The lighter I used for light to find it slipped,” he tried to lie when she glared from the burnt edge to him then back again.

“Really? It just slipped?” she rolled the paper up then crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him.

“Ok, I thought about burning it, I did, but I didn’t do it. I couldn’t do it,” he defended before muttering, “stupid soul wouldn’t let me.”

“What did he ever do to you that was so bad you’d begrudge him this?” she asked with genuine curiosity.

“What didn’t he do?” the vampire scoffed then sighed. “You’re wanting actual honesty here aren’t you?”

“Yep,” she nodded firmly.

“It’s not very pretty.”

“I know he wasn’t always good, Angel. I know he did really bad things like Angelus, but that isn’t who he’s been for a long time now and I can handle whatever you have to say.”

“That’s not the ugly of it. I’m jealous of him,” he said quickly and quietly in hopes she wouldn’t hear.

“Jealous? I thought we’d just settled the me thing. You’ve got no right to be jealous of what I have with him,” she sighed.

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but you don’t really enter into it. I was Angelus. A big nasty vampire feared throughout the world with Darla on one arm and Dru on another as we cut a bloody path through all humanity in our way. Then it stopped being enough for Dru. She had to have a toy and she picked this sniveling little Englishman named William of all the men she could have chosen. Of course, I had to take him into my family and crew after she made her choice, teach him the way and be a good grandsire. Then he outshines me. He develops a reputation as impressive as mine in far less time. Takes out two slayers when Angelus never even tried for one. He becomes a frickin’ golden boy of vampire, catching all the breaks while I feed on one wrong girl and gets cursed with a soul. Then he has to go and out do me there. He goes and gets himself a soul and shows me up as a champion.”

“You have got to be kidding me,” her jaw dropped.

“Told you it wasn’t pretty,” he couldn’t bring himself to meet her disbelieving gaze.

“I was expecting something a little more legitimate for such hatred than your vanity.”

“Do you have any idea how long it took me to build up my reputations as Angelus and now Angel? It’s just not fair that he gets the same kind of glory with and without a soul without even trying. I’m cursed to relive and remember every horrible act I’ve committed in my life without ever being allowed to know happiness again or else lose all I’ve worked so hard for and he doesn’t have to deal with any of that. And now,” Angel got to his feet and moved to stare out at the sun breaking over the horizon, “now he gets to be human again without having to fulfill some hopeless prophecy that may make such a dream reality for me. He gets it all so easily and it’s always thanks to me. You may consider it childish or stupid, but believe me,” he turned and looked into her eyes so she could see his bitterness, “all that is grounds for what I feel toward him.”





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