A few days before Buffy was due to take her final vows, she went to dinner at Willow's house. They were having a nice simple dinner of roast chicken and rice.
"So, you must be pretty excited, right?" Willow asked.
"Hmmm?"
"About taking your vows."
"Oh, yes. Very excited..." Buffy had felt distracted all night. Thoughts of Spike danced in her head, no matter how hard she tried to get them out.
"What's the matter, Buffy? Something's bothering you," Willow asked seriously.
"Nothing...it's nothing." Buffy bit her lip and looked away.
"Buuuffffyy..." Willow drew out her name, and gave her an 'out with it' look.
"It's...Spike."
"I know," Willow said with a sigh. "We're all on pins and needles worrying about him. But he's been doing really well; not missing any of his sessions and stuff. He seems so down though... I guess it's a lot harder than even we imagined. And that's not what you meant, is it?" Willow said the last part slowly, seeing the guilty look on Buffy's face.
"No, I do worry about him having a setback...but...he...he told me that he loved me."
Willow's eyes widened. "He did?! Oh, oh wow... I didn't know..."
"That's the real reason I left the clinic, I couldn't be around him after he told me that."
"You...sure he didn't mean 'I love you' like, 'Thanks for helping me, I respect and admire you'?" Willow asked hopefully.
"I'm sure. He said 'in love' and...kissed me."
Willow leaned back in her chair. "I-I don't know what to say... I wondered why you quit the clinic so suddenly. A lusty Spike would explain a lot..."
Buffy looked at Willow desperately. "You can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you. Promise me."
"I promise."
"I...have feelings for him. I can't stop thinking or dreaming about him. I'm so ashamed..." Buffy hung her head.
"Do you love him?" Willow asked.
"I might..." Buffy was a lot more sure than she admitted.
"I say again, wow. What are you going to do?"
"What can I do? I have to put him out of my mind. I have to forget about him," Buffy said, knowing it would be impossible.
"If you really do feel something for him, aren't you...a little interested in seeing if it could lead anywhere?" Willow said gently.
"No, I can't. It's--It's out of the question." Buffy shook her head. "I made plans for my life a long time ago that didn't include him. I have to stay true to my chosen path."
"But..." Willow began, but Buffy interrupted her.
"Please, Willow. I can't talk about it anymore. I just had to tell you. I've confessed so many times to the priest, but I wanted to tell you too."
"Okay, Buffy. We can talk about whatever you want. I'll be there when you take your vows, if you don't mind."
Buffy brightened a bit. "That would be nice. I'd like to have some support there."
Dinner conversation went on, in a Spike-free, less nerve-wracking way. The wheels in Willow's head however were turning at an alarming speed.
Spike was in love with Buffy, and if the look on the almost-nun's face was any indication, she had a bad case of Spike-fever. Whether she said the words or not, Buffy loved him too; but she was about to embark on a life of celibacy and service. A religious calling could be a wonderful and fulfilling thing, but not if you held regret for not taking a chance when love presented itself. Willow didn't know if the two blondes had a shot or not, but it would be tragic if they never even gave it a try.
Willow thought about what she should do. It didn't occur to her that she should keep her nose out of other people's business -- the forbidden nature of their love captured her imagination and brought out the romantic in her. She'd read far too many fanfics for her own good...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few hours before going to witness Buffy taking her vows, Willow went to Spike's apartment. He'd invited her in and asked her what was on her mind.
He really didn't want any company today -- it was the day that would finalize Buffy's commitment to the church, and sever any chance that he may have had to win her heart, but he adored Willow and didn't want to seem rude.
"You want to come with me to St. Michael's?" Willow asked.
"For what?" Spike's brows furrowed.
"To support Buffy when she takes her vows."
"No...I-I don't want to go," Spike said, his jaw working furiously.
"You're in love with her, aren't you?"
Spike looked down. "Is it that obvious? Bloody hell... It doesn't matter how I feel. She doesn't feel the same way, and she's kind of off-the-market..."
"I think you should go..." Willow prodded him. "She said she'd appreciate it if she had us there."
"She...mentioned me?" Spike asked timidly.
"Spike, I think she cares a lot more about you than she's saying. Part of her wants to be with you, I know it. If she sees you, maybe it will prompt her to choose love."
Spike absorbed the information, but then shook his head and stood up. He began to pace.
"No. And will you stop with that romance novel shit? That's not the way shit happens in real life. I'm already in fucking tatters over her! If I go, and she doesn't choose me again -- it'll bloody well destroy me! What are you trying to do to me, Willow?!"
"I-I'm just trying to help! I just thought --"
His voice shook, his face reddened, "Forget it! I'm not puttin' myself through that! No fucking bloody way!"
"I'm sorry." Willow stood up and sniffled, her green eyes filling with tears. "I shouldn't have said anything."
She went to leave but Spike took her gently by the arm and turned her back towards him, his face showing his remorse. "Willow, luv, I'm sorry I shouted... I know you didn't mean any harm. This whole thing just makes me bloody crazy. Don't cry, pet."
Willow hugged him in a tight embrace.
"It's okay...you're right... I was meddling again... Oz told me to cut down the meddling in people's lives to only once a week. I was trying to fill my quota," she joked feebly.
Spike tightened his hold on her. "You'll have to fill your quota with someone else, luv. Try it with someone who stands a chance at happiness..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy sat off to the side of the altar with three other women who were taking their vows today.
She, like the others, was dressed in full nun's habit. She fiddled with the fabric of her sleeve. Her nerves were frayed. Thoughts of Spike ran unbidden through her mind, she couldn't banish him. He was everywhere she looked, she thought she heard his voice so many times over the past few days -- whispering words of love in her ear. Buffy no longer held the belief that she'd ever be able to get him out of her mind.
Buffy looked over at Willow and Oz. Willow smiled and gave her a little wave. Buffy smiled back, but it looked more like she was constipated than happy. Angel and Xander had also come, they were constantly trying to loosen the necks of their dress shirts. Obviously they weren't suit and tie types.
I have to do this... This is what I have to do. Buffy tried convincing herself.
The nun next to Buffy went to the priest when called and proceeded to take her vows.
I'm next...
Buffy felt something tugging at her, demanding her attention. She turned her head to the entrance of the church and gasped silently.
Spike was standing there in the archway, looking beautiful and gazing at her with a hopeful expression. His hair was slightly askew, like he'd just rolled out of bed. He was dressed all in black, his hands were thrust into the pockets of his leather duster. He was staring directly at her. Buffy couldn't look away from him.
What's he doing here!? Oh God ! I can't look at him anymore! I can't do this if he's here!
Buffy gulped and shook her head to try and shake off the panic that had gripped her at seeing him. She looked down in at her hands and then closed her eyes, praying for God to help her with her crisis.
Spike shut his eyes and clenched his jaw, a bolt of gut-wrenching emotional pain hit him. She didn't want him here, it was obvious from her reaction. It was foolhardy to have thought that maybe...maybe she could love him or care enough about him to change her mind. All he'd done by coming here was upset her, and that was something he didn't want to do again. Quietly, Spike backed away and left.
"Sister Buffy." The priest smiled at her. "Please, step forward."
Buffy's head jerked up, her eyes wide. She slowly stood and approached the priest like she was going to be punished for something.
The priest began the ceremony. When it came time for Buffy to say her vows, she remained silent, her mouth opened and shut.
"Sister Buffy?"
"I-I can't!" Buffy looked pleadingly at her Mother Superior who was standing nearby. "I'm sorry, I can't take my vows."
As important as the Church was to her, Buffy couldn't let Spike go. She couldn't keep what she felt for him bottled up for the rest of her life. She loved him, she wanted him too much.
There were murmurs from the assembled witnesses. Mother Superior took Buffy aside.
"What's wrong, Buffy? You don't look well. Are you ill?"
"Mother, I'm sorry. I can't in good conscience take my vows. I'm...in love with someone. I thought I could forget him. I tried so hard..."
The older nun sighed then slowly smiled. "I thought it might be something like that."
Buffy looked down in abashment. "I know how disappointed you must be in me..."
"It's true that I'm disappointed, you would have made a fine addition to the Order. But I'd be more disappointed if you'd blindly went into this without questioning whether it was what you really wanted. You have to be true to yourself, Buffy."
"You--You don't hate me? For being so weak..."
"Of course not." She kissed Buffy's cheek. "You need to do what makes you happy, child."
"Thank you, Mother." Buffy sniffled. "I was so afraid of what you'd think of me."
"Is it that striking young man with the blonde hair?" Mother Superior asked with a slanted grin.
Buffy blushed then glanced where she'd last seen Spike. She did a double-take when she saw that he'd left. She turned back to other woman. "He's gone..." she said in a whisper.
When had he left? Did he hear her say she couldn't go through with taking her vows or had he left before then?
"He only left a few minutes ago, you might be able to catch him..."
Buffy smiled and hugged Mother Superior. "Thank you."
Buffy turned and raced down the aisle, to the surprise of the petitioners. She gathered up her habit and lifted it slightly so that she wouldn't trip on the hem.
"Where's she going?" Xander asked in confusion.
Willow grinned from ear-to-ear from her seat in the pew. Spike had come after all -- and it had worked! Buffy couldn't go through with it when she saw him. Willow made a note to tease Spike mercilessly about his derision of ‘romance novel shit.’
Once outside, Buffy looked around frantically. She spotted Spike trying to kick-start his motorcycle. Her heart jumped into her throat, and her stomach was doing somersaults.
"Spike!" Buffy yelled, running down the steps of the church.
He didn't hear her and attempted to start his bike again, the engine kicked in. Buffy ran faster.
"SPIKE!"
Spike quickly turned his head when he heard her calling him. His face registering his surprise.
Buffy ran until she was only ten feet away, she stopped and panted for breath.
“Buffy? Wh--Whhat’s going on?” he asked. Had she come out to bitch at him for having the nerve to show up here?
“Spike, um, hi...” Buffy smiled.
“Hi...” He cut off the engine and stared at her. “Shouldn’t you be inside?”
“I... My heart’s beating so fast!” Buffy laughed nervously and put a hand on her chest. She took a deep breath. “I-I couldn’t take my vows.”
“Oh?” Now his heart started skipping beats. “Why not?”
“Because... Because I love you.”
They stared at each other. Spike’s mind registered what she’d said and an amazed smile twitched up on his face. He dismounted the bike and walked toward her.
“You do?”
“Yes,” Buffy said breathlessly. “I love you -- you drive me crazy -- I can’t eat -- I can’t sleep...” She walked towards Spike until they were within kissing distance. "I can't stop thinking about you..."
“When...did you know?” His blue eyes danced merrily over her face.
“I knew I wanted you since that first night... The loving you part came later. I tried to deny it, but when it came down to it... I love you, Spike. I’m sorry I’ve put you through so much. That I lied and said I didn't want you.”
“Shhh.” Spike closed the short distance between them and took her in his arms. “This is what matters... That you’re here with me now. You sure this is what you want? I don’t want you to regret anything.”
“I’m sure now. This is what I want, you are what I want. I don’t want to be without you any more, I can't be...” Buffy put her arms around his neck and closed her eyes for the kiss she craved like nothing else.
Spike smirked and leaned in. They kissed tentatively, lips brushing softy together. Buffy sighed and pulled him harder against her, her lips becoming more aggressive. Spike pushed his tongue into her mouth and ran his hands over her back.
They stood in front of the church locked together, kissing with more passion and intensity by the moment.
Passers-by couldn’t help but stare at the sight of a nun and a bleached-blonde punk-type embracing in such a way.
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{A/N: I’d end it here if not for the fact that I require at least one steamy (not a dream or fantasy) sex scene in all of my fics. Hope you don’t mind!}