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Chapter 9 – Now and Forever


Buffy took a deep breath, trying to control her nerves as she stood outside Spike’s crypt. Raising her hand to knock after a moment, she bit her lip, letting her arm fall to her side once again.

“Works a lot better if you actually knock, pet.”

Whirling around, Buffy’s eyes widened when she saw Spike approaching from behind, idly smoking a cigarette as he watched her.

“Hi,” she said nervously, hating the way that he raised an eyebrow in surprise, knowing it was because she so rarely stopped by just to be nice.

“Hi, yourself. You lost?”

“I wanted to talk to you,” she said, flattening her palms against her pants as she bit her lip.

“Knock yourself out,” he replied, trying to keep an indifferent expression on his face as he leaned against a tombstone behind him.

“I know that I’ve… I’ve been a selfish bitch to you, Spike,” she began, uncertain of what she was trying to say.

“No, you haven’t,” he said softly, shaking his head. “I’ve gotten what I deserve, Buffy, nothing less.”

“God, will you listen to yourself?” she said in exasperation. “Listen to what… what I’ve done to you,” she whispered in comprehension, tears filling her eyes.

“Hey,” he said gently, not making a move to walk toward her, scared that she would come to her senses and run away. “None of that. Turn off the waterworks.”

Slowly pushing away from the tombstone, he stood up a little straighter, wanting to close the distance between them and comfort her but knowing that she wouldn’t accept that.

“Where’d this come from, pet?”

“Let’s just say I’ve finally seen myself,” she said with a slight smile, wiping the tears away.

Spike smiled, briefly looking up at the sky as he nodded in comprehension. “Buffy,” he said with a slight chuckle, seeing her look at him, slightly confused. “The other Buffy,” he clarified, seeing her nod.

“She’s very persuasive when she wants to be,” Buffy said, looking down at the ground.

“Wonder where she gets it,” he said with a smile.

Meeting his eyes, Buffy felt a familiar warmth in her stomach that she always associated with being near a vampire. Realizing that it was because she was near Spike, she hesitantly took a step toward him.

“Do you hate me?” she blurted out, leaving him with a stunned look on his face.

“Do I…? No,” he said, shaking his head. “No, of course not.”

“But… I’ve done so many things to you,” she said, looking into his eyes. “And I don’t know if you can ever forgive-”

“No forgiveness,” he cut her off, shaking his head. “There’s nothing for you to be forgiven for.”

“How about keeping our relationship a secret? Or using you whenever I wanted to feel okay about myself? Or all the things I’ve said to you that you didn’t deserve? Or beating you up and…and leaving you?”

Spike took in an unneeded breath, trying to forget the memories that her words had brought forth. Looking at a point over her shoulder, he exhaled slowly. “Ever heard that for every reaction, there’s an equal and opposite reaction?”

“Yeah,” she murmured, looking at him in confusion.

“I think we’re on an equal playing field, love. We’ve both done things, said things we… I know that I wish I could take back.”

Buffy didn’t know what to say. Agreeing with him seemed to be too insincere. Saying nothing just sent them back into the same situation they’d been in before.

Misreading her silence, Spike sighed. “Best be off. Friends are probably ready to call out the search party.”

“No, I… That’s not why I came by.”

“Buffy, if you want me to say everything’s alright, then fine. I’m okay. I don’t hold anything against you. Time for you to go play the hero with whatever Big Bad is lurking around the corner.”

“I’m not a hero,” Buffy murmured, hugging her arms around her body as she looked at the ground. “I was chosen… but I’m not a hero. Heroes don’t accept the way the world is- they continue fighting, even when it looks like there’s nothing left to fight for… that’s not me.”

“Yes, it is,” Spike said softly, wondering where this was coming from. “That’s exactly who you are.”

Wondering how he could be so generous after she had selfishly taken everything from him, Buffy felt tears burn her eyes.

‘Have I stripped him down to this? Or is this the one thing I couldn’t take away from him?’ she wondered, avoiding his gaze.

“Love?”

Raising her eyes slightly, she couldn’t bring herself to make eye contact with him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, stepping forward until he was standing in front of her. Hooking a finger under her chin, Spike tilted her eyes up to his.

Seeing the concern in his gaze, Buffy felt the tears finally spill over, wrapping her arms around him in a grip that would have crushed anyone else.

Tensing in shock, Spike slowly put his arms around her, unused to the foreign feel of holding her. He felt his heart flip at the realization that this was the best moment he’d ever spent with her.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, clutching at him, needing him to realize how much she meant it.

“I’m sorry, too,” he murmured into her hair, inhaling the scent as he pulled her closer.

“Everything’s okay?” she asked, her voice muffled against his shirt. Not hearing a response, she pulled back, seeing the confusion and mistrust in his gaze. “Spike?”

“What do you want, Buffy?” he asked, keeping his tone soft, not wanting her to think he was accusing her of something.

Buffy cast her eyes downward, obviously thinking about what he was saying. “Truth?”

“That’s all we’ve ever had,” he said with a smile.

“That’s all I’ve ever had from you,” she corrected sadly.

“Not the issue, pet. What do you want?”

“I want a fresh start,” she whispered, looking up at him with a hopeful expression. “With you.”

Seeing the childlike appearance that the simple phrase had caused in her, Spike gave her a tender smile. “No more secrets?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I’ll tell everyone tonight, if you want me to.”

“There’s something else I want to do tonight.”

Buffy shifted uncertainly. Spike knew she was questioning whether it was a good idea to throw themselves back into a relationship.

“Not that,” he said with a smile. “But there is a bed involved.”

“What is it?” she asked, closing her eyes when he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“Let me hold you?”

A brilliant smile lit up Buffy’s face at the simple request. Moving closer to him, she rested her head against his chest, sighing in contentment. “Now and forever.”





Thanks so much to: Spikes Sweety, BuffyandSpikeForever, Vicki, Bridget, javelina, MidnightGirl, Cordykitten, & everyone who originally reviewed the last chapter!





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