“Talk to me baby.” Spike asked quietly, his words whispering across the bare skin of her neck as he spooned her from behind. Earlier as they’d made love the world had narrowed down until it was only them in the moment and now he could feel it all pressing in on them again.
“It’s just this claim thing is so weird.” Buffy rolled around in his arms so she could face him. “It’s like this constant buzz on my senses and with my Slayerness pinging from the two vampires, a half-demon and the hell mouth it’s a lot to take in.”
“That’s not what’s bothering you pet.” Spike said since he knew she was used to her senses registering the demons and power that would always surround her life.
“It’s Angel.”
“And the claim draws you to him both physically and mentally but that‘s natural sweet.” Spike told her knowing first hand how alluring the bond between sire and childe could be. Dru’s touch had always thrilled his demon, even when it wasn’t a sexual gesture and since he loved her---
“You still love him.”
“Spike no, it’s not like that, not anymore.” Buffy said as she reached out to frame his face in her hands. “You are the one I love, you are my mate.”
“But he will always have a piece of your heart and with the claim that part of you is getting stronger, more tangible. It’s letting you inside him in a way he never did before and you can feel how much he needs and wants you.” When she once again opened her mouth to reassure him of his place in her life he silenced her with a searing kiss. When he pulled away some moments later she was breathless and he used that to his advantage. “I never had that pet, Dru controlled the claim so I’d yearn for her but she never gave me anything back in return--- she couldn’t because she’d already given all she was to Angelus. I knew it even though I convinced myself otherwise, just like you convinced yourself that his love wasn’t as strong as what you felt for him. Hell pet even I can feel that it was and I’m only feeling him through you so I can imagine how powerful it feels to you. And that’s okay---”
“No it’s not, I don’t want him to love me.” Buffy told firmly. “I want him to move on and find what we have and I just want to be his friend. I only did this to help him and if he keeps holding on to what he can feel from me, he‘ll never look for someone else. Someone that can love him the way I love you.”
“You’ll never be friends.” Spike said repeating what he’d told them in the Magick Box that day. “And you can love him pet but because of his fear it was never what you and I have. I know you love me Buffy, I know I’m what you’ve chosen but I also know he can give you things I can’t and that you can complete him in a way no other bird could.”
“That’s not true---”
“Isn’t it?” Spike challenged. “I’m still the vampire I always was pet, my edges are a bit softer but I still rather kill humans than protect them. Doyle, Fred, Wes, Lorne and Gunn are family, clan and I’d die for them but I don’t give a rot about the rest. I want to feed, to stalk the night searching for a right good kill but I don’t because it’s not worth losing what I have. Angel wants that too pet but now it’s an afterthought to him because he stopped seeing humans as food because his soul made him see them as people again. I don’t have that luv, they will always be food to me, sheep for the slaughter---”
“So…I’ve caged you.”
“No Buffy, I’m not telling you this to make you think you aren’t what I want, I’m trying to show you what we bring to each other. You gave me a chance, a reason to remember the man I once was and to accept him then you showed Angel how to embrace his demon. In turn he made you accept your calling and I helped you remember the girl you were before your fate was decided for you.” Spike ran his hand through her hair and smirked at her. “And because of you, what we feel for you Angel and I are family again.”
“Are you talking about that Russia thing, because I soo haven’t forgot that.”
“Vampires are creatures of passion and bloke, bint, dead, alive, willing or unwilling doesn’t much matter.” Spike explained because while his girl had definitely embraced her own sexuality, she was still so innocent about the ways of the world and the ways of immortals. “It’s not uncommon for family groups to trade and share partners. So not only did Dru spend a lot of time in Angelus’s bed, with or without Darla, there were times they were in mine. But before you get the wrong idea it wasn’t always about sex or even just pleasure, it was about making a strong connection. Forever is a long time luv and all it takes is one bad day for it to all end suddenly. You’ve killed enough old ones to know that and I’ve seen you die enough times to know that one day you might not wake back up. And because of our bond, I’ll always feel you but my arms will be empty and---”
“And you’ll have the hunger still.” Buffy finished for him, suddenly thinking she understood why he’d said what he had in the kitchen.
“That’s why Angelus left you that night luv, he wanted you just as much as the soul did but he’d been starving for centuries. You sated his lust and someone else fed his bloodlust but only Dru and I could feed his hunger for kindred.”
“And if I die, you’d need Dru or Angel to feed yours.”
“No pet, Dru wouldn’t have me back after all I’ve done and to be honest I don’t think I’d ever have a moments peace at her side again. I know what love is supposed to be about now something I didn’t when she turned me and I’d never be able to settle for anything less. And Angel won’t settle for anything less than you and he’s not getting any older. But if we lost you, we’d both be able to still feel your essence inside us and each other and it’d be the same for you if he or I were to dust.” Spike let out a stilted breath and met her eyes. “That’s why you gave me a chance in Paris, maybe you wanted to connect to the place you left but with his claim on you, you also wanted to connect to him without knowing it.”
“That…that’s how I found where he died in Galaway, I could sense him there.” Buffy said finally understanding how she’d just known that was where he’d died. “But you broke his claim so when I claimed you it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with us.”
“I know that luv but I don’t, we don’t know what tomorrow might bring.” Pulling her close he settled her against his chest and stroked his hands gently, yet firmly down her back to show them both that what they had was real and just between them. “None of us are the type to play it safe, we don’t run from danger we all seek it out and fight it night after night. He’s over two-hundred, I’m nearly that and while it proves we’re masters, it also means our time is counting down as well as up. And while you’re nearly impossible to truly kill we both know there is a way it can be done and all it takes is one demon to figure out how. So all I’m saying is that it’s okay to love him pet, to let him into your heart again because I know I have my own place there. That’s not something he or anyone could touch, just like a part of he and I will always belong to each other. Dru was my sire but he was the one that taught me how to be a demon and while I hated him more often than not, I still went with Darla to feed on the gypsies that had taken him away from our family. And as much as I love you Buffy, that is a part of my life you‘ll never be able to share with me because it‘s my past.”
“And that what Angel is to me, my past so save your if-I-die-I-give-you-my -blessing speech. It’s sweet you want me to be taken care of in every way normal or otherwise if something happened to you but it’s more than a little insulting that you’ve decided my next-mate for me.” Shoving away from him she gracefully rolled off the bed and moved over to where he’d thrown her clothes earlier. As she continued dressing she continued to decimate him in a cold, razor sharp voice. “Not only did you pick the guy that broke my heart by deciding I wasn’t worth it the first time around only to decide I was when I was happy with someone else but you made it perfectly clear I’d never be enough for any vampire! I’m sorry I haven’t had myself a few massacres and bathed in the blood of the innocent but that doesn’t mean I have no understanding of what it means to be a predator. I know what it’s like to hunt, only unlike vampires who all seem to think they’re at the top of the food chain, my prey is my match or greater! I’m not a fucking wolf that hunts sheep, I hunt other wolves and even though I don’t feed on their blood I get something from every kill. I LIKE IT, I love it when they run and it gives me a happy to break them before I finally drive my stake home! That makes me just as much a killer as you, I mean I’m called the damn Slayer and my line is just as old as yours! So I don’t need you or anyone alive or undead to tell me how in the hell to live my life.”
Quickly she strode over to the window and threw it open hard enough to cause the glass to shatter in the pane but even as it cut into her hands she never flinched. “I thought you already knew that, knew me but apparently I was wrong. Angelus asked me what was left when everything else was taken away, no friends, no family, no hope and I told him I still had myself and now I realize I‘m the only person I can depend on because everyone else will let me down.”
With that she jumped out the window without looking back but before he could follow her the others stormed into the room demanding to know what in the hell was going on. Spike looked at the window then at them and for the first time in his life had no idea what in the hell to say.