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Chapter 2:

"My God, Spike!" Giles exclaimed as soon as they walked through the door of the Summers' residence.

"Yeah, he's alive Giles," Buffy said annoyed. "I thought we covered that on the phone call. What happened? What does it mean?"

She was terrified by what happened. She didn't know what it meant, it seemed too good to be true. Spike was alive. She should be doing backflips or something. But all she could think of was what was she going to do now? She'd just gotten Spike to start being Spike again. But could she really afford to lose his vampiric strength with the threat of The First hanging over their heads? And that just made her feel guilty. She hated being 'General Buffy', she hated that she had to look at her friends as potential weapons to be used in battle, not as people.

"You misunderstand Buffy, I knew he would be alive, but he should be unconscious. The Morcraterium has always proved fatal to vampires."

"If it was fatal I wouldn't be alive, now would I?" Spike pointed out.

Buffy was relieved to hear him talk, it was one of the few things he'd said since he'd been caught in the spell. She was tempted to accuse him of brooding just to get him to yell at her. He hated any comparison to Angel especially since he got his soul.

"Giles, start from the beginning. You know what this mocha terrace is?" Buffy asked.

"Oh, yes. The Morcraterium is a kind of divination preformed by several demon sects. Normally they dismember a body and place the pieces inside circles of runes. Then they cast a spell that temporarily revivifies the dead parts. The pieces flop about and the necromancer interprets which runes they touch to foretell the future. I suppose they had gathered several corpses to attempt a more powerful foretelling. However, it's only temporary, even complete bodies die once the spell wears off.

"Whoa, hold on." Buffy stopped him. "This seemed like pretty simple magic. I thought resurrection was much more serious mojo."

"It's not a true resurrection, it is, in more scientific terms simply reviving the cells. A spell such as Willow preformed on you is more complex because she not only had to restore your body and bring it to life but reattach your soul as well. Ah yes of course."

"So that's why I'm walking about," Spike said. "The soul."

"That would seem to be the obvious answer," Giles agreed. "The spell has actually been tried on vampires but the result was always the same. The vampire lost consciousness, the body was temporarily made alive, but when it died, it stayed dead."

"So what does it all mean, Giles?" Buffy asked desperately. "Is Spike going to die?"

"I don't know," Giles admitted. "Nothing like this has ever happened. It is possible that Spike's soul will maintain the spell and he will live out a normal life span."

"Or I could just topple over dead at any moment, isn't that right Watcher?" Spike asked angrily.

"Well, yes." Giles answered.

"How long Giles till. . . we know for sure," Buffy asked.

It had never occurred to her that things could be this bad. Spike human was an inconvenience, but Spike dead and gone. . . She couldn't deal with that.

"I'm not sure," Giles told them. "There's no set time the spell lasts, it depends on how powerful the caster and things of that sort. However, it does last longer on whole corpses-"

"Hey!" objected Spike.

"-than on dismembered parts."

"But we could do tests," Willow volunteered from the dinning room where she was pouring over books. "Check for cellular decay, and uh, mystical decay."

Spike's shoulders twitched uneasily, and Buffy could tell he didn't like the idea of being one of Willow's science experiments. She could understand how he felt. She suddenly felt suffocated in her own house. She knew none of the others were big Spike fans, but she couldn't believe how cold they were being towards him.

"You guys research," Buffy said as she grabbed Spike by the arm, "We'll um check around to see if anyone knows anything."

It was a pretty lame excuse, but she made sure they were out the door before Giles or Willow could protest.

Once they were out of sight of the house Buffy turned to Spike, "You okay?"

"Uh, yeah. Thanks for the escape."

"No problem. Are you. . . are you hungry?"

"Yeah, actually," he sounded a little surprised. "The nausea's gone. Who knew pig's blood was even worse tasting to humans."

"Gee I don't know. Those of us who have to watch you dip regular food in it."

Spike looked a little pale, which actually made him look a little more normal. "Right, let's not talk about that now okay?"

She laughed. "Sure. Follow me."

She took him to one of those chain restaurant/bar places that decorated with weird junk, like an old tricycle hung from the ceiling, since she was pretty sure they had those onion things he was always going on about.

Spike seemed to get even quieter when they got to the restaurant. He reminded her of a teenage boy who'd just gone through a growth spurt and didn't seem to know how to use his arms and legs anymore.

"Is it okay?" she finally asked, after their food had come.

"What? Yeah, the foods just fine. Great actually."

"I meant, being alive. I mean, are you happy? Or is it awful. . . I just. . . I don't want to assume."

"It's. . . Different."

She smiled a little, "That bad huh?"

He ducked his head. "I guess. It's just. . . " he stopped.

"Tell me, please. I want to know," she prompted him.

He took a deep breath, "It's kind of like everyone else is dead." She looked at him puzzled. "I can't smell you, or hear your heart beat, or your breathing. It's like you're not real. You're all ghosts or something."

"Oh, I never thought of that. Your senses, they'd be different now, huh?"

"Yeah, the food and beer taste better," he admitted.

"See," Buffy tried to cheer him up. "There are bright sides." She tried to think of another one. "Oh, and I bet we don't have to worry about what The First had planned for you anymore."

Spike's face fell, and his shoulders slumped. "Yeah, I'm pretty much useless now."

"What? No. That's not what I meant." Buffy scrambled to find away to take back what she'd said without thinking. "Oh, look at Robin. Everyone's been like, 'Yay! Another demon fighter.' You can still fight. You'll just have to adjust."

"Yeah, adjust," he didn't sound convinced, he just stared at his onion.

"Listen," she said reaching across the table to take his hands in hers. "I'm sorry about yelling at you the other day. I-"

"No you were right too. I. . . I've been bloody useless recently. You were right, I needed to, I needed to remember what made me Spike. Not that it matters now."

"You're right it doesn't matter." He looked up at her shocked and hurt. "I know I go around telling everyone you're my best warrior, and that I need you to fight the first, but that's just an excuse. I need you because you're. . . you."

"Please," he said disbelievingly.

"No really. I need you. You're the only person I don't feel alone with. I don't know if that makes any sense. . ."

She searched for words to better explain. But she couldn't find them. After all she'd been trying to figure out what her relationship with Spike was for months now, and hadn't made any progress.

But he looked up at her and smiled, and she realized he understood. That was what she loved about Spike, he understood.

"Really?" he asked.

"Really."

"Still," he added a little sadly. "I'm not much good now."

His whinny vampire (human she corrected herself) routine was starting to grate on her nerves. She was trying to be understanding. She had some idea of what he was going through, after all there was the time Giles had taken away her powers on her eighteenth birthday, and she'd had to face the idea of being just a normal girl for the rest of her life.

"You're a good man, human or vampire."

"You're wrong," he told her firmly. "I was a bad man. No reason to think I'd be any different now."

'Stupid vam-human' she thought. Why couldn't he see, why couldn't any of her friends see what she saw so clearly? As she looked into his blue eyes, searching for the words, it came to her. All of a sudden, the thing she'd known deep down, but hadn't been able to put a finger on, became clear.

"You weren't destroyed," she said.

"Huh?"

"By love. Angel lost his soul. Willow tried to destroy the world. Giles went on a suicidal vampire killing rampage. Anya became a vengeance demon (possibly twice), which also brings up Willow's spell and the fact D'Hoffryn offered to make her a vengeance demon. Xander says he still loves Anya and wants to be with her but he still left her at the altar. Love corrupted all of them, but you-"

"Tried to rape you," he finished for her.

"Were redeemed," she insisted. "Love made you better. I know you don't see it that way, I know since you got your soul all you can see is the wicked things you did. But that's the point. It's not a curse Spike, it's a choice. A chance to be better. And you are. More than that, you're my hope. My hope that love doesn't have to be all about pain and death and hurt."

He laughed. Not just a little either, but a big hearty, almost planted his face in his onion blossom laugh. Buffy would have been glad about it, if he hadn't been laughing at her big moment of revelation.

"You think this isn't about pain and death and hurt?" he asked as he got his laughter under control. "That's all my life is."

She took a deep breath. How could Spike be so insightful one moment, and so dense the next.

"Way to miss the entire point there. I know you hurt, Spike. I can't imagine what it's like for you, the guilt you feel. And, let's face it, part of the reason the first felt the need to torture you was because of me." He snorted. "But you're not trying to hurt people anymore. You don't take out that pain on anyone else. You just do your best to get by. and sometimes that's all you can do."

He looked away from her, refusing to meet her eyes, and drained his beer bottle. Muttering under his breath.

Buffy was satisfied. As long as he didn't have a snappy come back, it meant she won. Even if he wouldn't admit it, she was right.

"So what else do you want to do?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"Come on. I want to do something to make you happy. . . I mean. I don't mean. . ."

"I know what you meant," he reassured her. "Don't worry, it's not what I want anyway."

"It isn't?" she said without thinking. A little shocked at the disappointment and hurt in her own voice.

He closed his eyes and shook his head with disdain. "You really think I want a pity fuck from you?"

"That's not what I meant. I-"

"Know I'm going to keel over dead any moment and figure the least you can do is send me on my way to hell, happy." He smiled wickedly at her. "Or maybe you just can't stand the thought that you'll never get to shag me again. Your bed's getting kind of lonely these days, and for once I could warm it up for you."

"Your such a jerk. And you're not going to die," she insisted.

If it wasn't for the fact that he was probably going to die soon, she'd punch him in the nose. Well, and the fact that he was human. Plus the promise she'd made to herself about not hitting him anymore except in self defense, cause that might lead to sex.

"I'm human. We all die. Besides, not as if we're dong anything to prevent the mojo from waking up. Best I can hope for is to turn back into a pumpkin."

"The spell might be permanent. Giles said so. Would that really be so bad?"

"Not so bad, I suppose. But I just got back into the fighting, and I want to help Buffy, you shouldn't have to face this alone."

She had to bite back the comment that she was always alone.

"You will help me. If I didn't think you could help I would have gotten rid of you long ago," she assured him.





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