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Author's Chapter Notes:
Italics are used for Buffy's thoughts.
Chapter 4: Must Give us Pause

Buffy wasn't sure what it was that propelled her feet forward, but before she knew what she was doing she had walked into the classroom and taken a seat.

"Um, can I help you miss?" Spike asked her nervously.

She smiled and said, "Oh, I was thinking of taking this class next semester, and they told me I could sit in and see what it's like."

"Uh, yes, well alright," he said, nervously pushing his glasses farther up the bridge of his nose with one finger.

Buffy wondered how much of it was an act, and how much was real nervousness on Spike's part. He handed back the last few papers that were still in his hand. A few students must not have been there, because he returned a few papers to his briefcase, and pulled out a thin paperback book.

"Let's see now, I do believe we were at Act III Scene i. So tell me, what did you all think of Polonius's plan?"

The class then launched into a discussion Buffy didn't understand. She did figure out that they were talking about Hamlet, because they mentioned both his name and Shakespeare several times. Unfortunately, Buffy didn't know the first thing about Hamlet. She'd never really liked Shakespeare.

Of course she'd read Romeo and Juliet in high school, but the whole star crossed lovers thing had hit a little too close to home. They'd also been forced to read The Merchant of Venice but that seemed to be about people marrying to get rich, and being mean to Jews, and one really mean Jew. She'd never really gotten it.

So she really had no idea what they were going on about. A lot of it seemed to do with whether this Hamlet guy was crazy, or just in love, or both.

After maybe half an hour of discussion, Spike stopped the class and said, "Well, I do hope you will all indulge me now, and not laugh too hard. As we all know, those who can't do, teach." The class laughed good naturedly at that. It was obvious they liked him. "And these are, after all, the most famous words in the English language."

He cleared his throat and began, "To be, or not to be: that is the question:

To be or not to be what? That's so stupid, and it's from Hamlet?

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?. . .

Arms against I sea of troubles? Sounds like my life.

. . . To die: . . .

Oh! To be or not to be alive, I get it now. Why didn't he just say that in the first place?

. . . to sleep;
No more; and, by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, . . .

God, yes. Why does everything have to be so hard and sharp?

. . . ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: . . .

Yes, to be warm and soft and loved and safe.

. . . ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. . .

Unless you've died twice and you know what it's like. God, why couldn't they just leave me there? Why did I have to come back, again?

. . . There’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of dispriz’d love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin?

Does he mean suicide? But I couldn't do that, everyone depends on me. Why can't they take care of themselves? I was done, they should have been able to go on without me. And what's a bodkin anyway?

. . . who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

I'm just so tired, all the time.

But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover’d country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?

But I do know. Even if I don't remember so well. It was good. But if I killed myself, would I go back there, or would they send me somewhere else?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember’d."

Buffy almost jumped when Spike was done speaking. She had been entranced by his words, lost in a dark meditation. His voice had been sweet and soothing, and the silence came after startled and unsettled her.

She didn't like the direction her mind had been going in. It was so against everything she stood for and had fought for all these years. She'd been running from early death for so long, she couldn't grasp the idea of running to it.

The class began again. This time she could better follow the discussion, having just heard the monologue they were talking about. She concentrated hard on their debate, hoping to block out her own thoughts with undergraduate literary theories.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm telling you I don't like it. We ought to do something?" Xander said.

"Do you really think Spike's up to something evil?" Tara asked.

"It's not exactly out of character for him, sweetie," Willow said placing her hand over Tara's. "He really was one of Buffy's worst enemies a few years back. Although I can't see why he'd be up to evil now."

"Cause he's Spike," Xander insisted. "And I'm telling you Buffy said he's up to something. Why would she say that if she didn't have some sort of proof?"

"Xander's right about that," Anya agreed. "She was very clear that she thought Spike was up to no good. But I don't see what we can do about it. We don't know where to find Spike, and it's a little too late to help Buffy follow him."

"Oh!" Willow waved her hands excitedly. "I could do a locator spell." She jumped up and rushed off to gather the ingredients.

"I guess there's no harm in finding out where he is. . ." Tara said dubiously.

"Besides," Anya added. "It was Xander's turn to pick the movies, so if he wants to spend his movie night chasing after Spike, I say, 'Let's go!' It's better than watching Full Metal Jacket again."





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