Chapter 9 – Longing to Hold You
“Buffy, where are you going?”
Turning toward Cordelia, Buffy stopped for a moment, wondering if she should tell her the truth.
“I need to get out of here for a little while, Cordy. Or… a long while, actually.”
“Nuh uh,” the older woman replied, shaking her head. “Your father was very specific about the not leaving of you.”
“Yeah? Well, Spike was pretty specific when he told me a lot of things, too. Doesn’t mean I’m going to listen to him right now.”
“Where are you going?” Cordy asked, knowing that she couldn’t stop the powerful girl from leaving.
“Home,” she murmured, walking out the door before Cordelia had a chance to reply.
Feeling the air hit her face, Buffy turned her eyes up to the moonlit sky, letting the tears spill down her cheeks again. She was surprised she’d been able to hold in her emotions in the amount of time she’d talked to Cordelia.
Running a hand along her neck, she shuddered at the feel of the healing wounds. For the first time, she felt revolted. Damaged.
Without Spike around, they seemed to represent everything she was against instead of everything she loved. Closing her eyes, Buffy tried to stretch out her senses Unable to get an accurate feeling from him, she could sense that he was okay. That was enough for now.
* * * * *
Spike paced through the hotel room, feeling his anxiety growing as the sun began to set. He’d been cooped up in an eighteen by eighteen cell – known as the Sun Spot Motel for hours and he felt as if he was going insane.
He felt horrible about the way he’d left things with Buffy, knowing that she deserved better treatment from him. Sitting on the edge of the bed for a moment, he nervously shook his leg, biting his lip as he stared at his cell phone.
She hadn’t called.
He knew that she didn’t have any reason to – he was the one who had been in the wrong – but his anxiety was growing from not being able to feel her. To touch her. To hear her voice.
Grabbing the phone, Spike quickly dialed the number, standing up to pace when he heard the woman’s voice on the other line.
“Cordelia, can I talk to Buffy?”
“She’s not here, Spike.”
Turning toward the window, he tried to calm himself with the knowledge that it was daylight outside. Buffy could take care of herself. “Do you know when she’ll be back?”
“She left early this morning,” Cordy said, obviously nervous about telling him anything.
“How… early?” he asked, trying to keep his voice calm.
“Before sunrise.”
“Bloody buggerin’ hell!”
“Spike, calm down-”
“She knows-”
“If you say she knows better, I will personally come find you and kick your ass. Buffy is a smart girl, she can handle things, and she wanted to go home. It’s not like I can keep her here. Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you went running off to God knows where.”
“Cordelia, it’s not my-”
“I know, Spike,” she said, her irritation growing.
Spike stopped, staring unseeingly at the wall in front of him. “You know?”
“That Angel’s past is about to jump up and bite him in the ass? Yeah. I’m not stupid.”
“That you’re not,” he agreed with an amused smile.
“I think you should tell Buffy,” she said, knowing that her suggestion wouldn’t go over well. “She’s a big girl, she can handle it.”
“I had nothing to do with it, Cordy,” he said tiredly. “This is Angel’s-”
“Spike.”
The tone of her voice sent a slight shiver of fear along his spine. Briefly taking the phone away from his ear to look at it, Spike shook his head, wondering how a woman could scare a vampire.
“Look… if this isn’t finished soon… I’ll think about,” he said, taking a deep breath. “I’ll tell her what I can.”
“Good. Because, Spike? She deserves to be with someone who’s honest with her.”
“I’ve never lied to her, Cordelia,” he replied with an edge to his voice.
“Close enough,” she said, hanging up the phone.
Spike attempted to calm himself as he stared at the phone. Yelling at Buffy definitely wouldn’t put him back in her good graces, especially considering she had the right to leave the hotel anytime she wanted. Slowly dialing the phone, he cleared his throat, waiting for her to answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey, baby,” he whispered, sitting down on the edge of the bed, feeling relieved by simply hearing her voice. Waiting for her response, Spike sighed when he didn’t hear a reply. “So, it’s the silent treatment, then, is it?”
“No,” Buffy said, slowly walking over to the dresser, feeling her anger fade slightly as she listened to the comforting sound his voice. “I guess I’m just tired.”
“Did you get any sleep?”
“Without you here?” Buffy replied, not bothering to answer him, knowing that she’d gotten her point across.
“You need to rest, pet,” he said.
Buffy didn’t say anything, looking up to see her reflection staring back at her.
“I shouldn’t’ve left the way I did,” he said quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose as he waited for her undoubtedly angry reply. Frowning when there was none, Spike sat up a little straighter. “Love?”
“I’m here,” she said quietly, staring at her gaunt reflection in the mirror, shocked at the person she saw.
“You alright?”
“I’m fine,” she said weakly, running a hand along the hollow of her cheek.
“You don’t sound fine,” he said, sitting up a little straighter. “What is it? Is something wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Buffy said with a sigh, turning off the lamp on the dresser and walking over to sit on the edge of the bed. “I already told you, I’m just tired.”
“Baby, please stay at the hotel,” he said, running a hand through his hair.
“What? Like Cordelia is going to protect me if the next Big Bad comes calling while you and Dad are off playing Mighty Mouse?”
“What if you need to protect her?” he replied, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
Buffy stayed quiet, knowing there was some truth to that statement. “I’ll think about it,” she said softly after a long moment of silence.
“I love you,” he whispered, putting every ounce of emotion into his voice. He felt as if his heart was splintering when she didn’t respond immediately.
“I know you do,” she said softly, taking a deep breath. “Where are you, Spike?”
Staying quiet for a moment, Spike felt his exhaustion turn into frustration. Hating Angel for dragging him into this situation, hating Angelus for causing it in the first place, hating himself for letting it happen.
“Are you cheating on me?” she whispered in a strained voice.
“What? No! No, baby, I love you. I would never do that.”
Buffy relaxed slightly, knowing that he was telling her the truth - knowing that she shouldn’t have asked him in the first place. She trusted him. She trusted him with her life. And apparently so did her father.
“Please tell me where you are,” she said, hoping to at least get that much information from him.
“Sunnydale,” he finally replied in a tired voice. “We’re in Sunnydale. In that fleabag motel off the freeway.”
Buffy stayed quiet, not wanting to start another fight with him.
“I want you here with me,” Spike said after a minute. “I do. You believe that, don’t you?”
Feeling tears burn her eyes, Buffy sniffled slightly as she nodded, realizing he couldn’t see her. “I believe you,” she said in a choked voice.
“Hasn’t even been a day and I feel like I’m going out of my mind without you,” he said, standing up and walking around the empty room. “How did I last when you left for a year?”
“You weren’t in love with me,” she said solemnly, remembering one of the darkest periods of her life as she flashed back to her memories of living alone in Las Vegas.
“Says you,” he replied, his voice taking on a playful quality that made her smile.
“How long will you be gone?” Buffy asked, tugging at a loose string on the quilt.
“I hope not too long,” he said, taking a deep breath.
“What’s ‘not too long’?” she asked, keeping her tone soft. “A week? Two? Three?”
Spike seemed to consider his answer for a long moment. “This might take longer than a few weeks,” he said, leaning against the wall. “But if I’m gone for two weeks, I’ll come see you… alright?”
Buffy hastily wiped her eyes as her emotions seemed to set her on edge. “I miss you,” she whispered. “I want you home.”
Spike closed his eyes, concentrating for a moment before feeling her through the claim. The sadness that he felt from her was nearly overwhelming him. Knowing that he was the cause of it, he tried to comfort her, letting her know how much he loved her. He knew he wasn’t having much success when he heard her try to muffle a sob. The sound nearly had him running back to L.A. to get to her. “Sod it,” he muttered, clenching his teeth. “I don’t care what your da’ says- if we don’t finish this soon, I’ll tell you everything.”
Buffy sat in shock for a moment, unsure if she’d heard him right. “You mean that?” she asked in disbelief.
“I don’t want you to ever think you don’t have a reason to trust me, love.”
Buffy stayed quiet for a long moment. “Thank you.”
Thanks so much to: rockerbaby, fen, Stephanie, caatje, Brunettepet, Franchesca, Whitelighter354, Brittany, Cordykitten, GoofyMama99, shelly, blondiebear, BuffyandSpikeForever, Crystal Pegasus & PhotographyNut for reviewing!
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Author's Chapter Notes:
This will be my last update until next week (of any of my fics). I was in a car accident a few days ago and I've been having a lot of back/neck problems (I saw the truck before it was about to hit me, so I tensed up) and I haven't been up to writing much. I'm hoping I'll be feeling well enough to do that this weekend.