It broke his un-dead heart to see her like this. Abandoned by her friends and sister. Abandoned by the people she trusted to be on her side. Seeing her all broken and fragile on the bed made him feel helpless, confused, but also angry in a way. She was the slayer damnit; she had to keep it together. He couldn’t be strong for her if she wasn’t strong for the rest of the word.
He had tried to cheer her up by saying stuff like:
“You can get them back.”
“It's bloody chaos over there without you.”
But it hadn’t done much. He could get as much as a grin out of her when he mentioned he had hit Faith a couple of times, and he had held back a grin when he realized why. But then the self-pity got a hold on her again.
After she puked all her self hate over him, she did something he did not expect: She talked about his feeling for her.
"We were never close. You just wanted me because I was...unattainable."
That that was it! How the hell could she even think that? Hadn't he shown her enough that he really cared for her? That she was more than just a fantasy about something he couldn't have. Because he had had her, and she damn well knew that. They had spent hours and hours together, and he had never considered to give that up. He had never gotten tired of her.
He got frustrated when she got weak again. She was tired, when she couldn't afford to be. Not in this town, not now. He was struggling: He just wanted to pick her up, hold her and make all her pain go away. But also wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. Shake her till she made sense again. She frightened him, being like this.
And now she was asking him for kind words to cheer her up.
“You're insufferable.”
That didn’t help much of course. But it was one thing that needed to be said.
The only thing he wanted to do was explain what he should be to her, and what she was to him.
“A 100+ years and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of: you.”
He tried to touch her face, to make contact with her heat. But she turned from him.
“Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy.”
She didn’t want to be, as he had expected.
The only thing that he could do now was make a smart ass joke, which she chuckled at, and leave. She obviously didn’t want him there. She didn’t want his touch anymore. She probably never did in the way he had wanted her to.
“Spike? Could you...stay here? Will you just hold me?”
He could not have dreamed for this. Why did she ask him that? But he did not waste any more seconds and took her in his arms. He felt like he was coming home after a very long day, while drowning in her sent. God, she was as sweet as ever. He had missed her so much. Like this, they were closer then they had ever been before.
It used to be sex that he had to offer to comfort her, but this…Smelling her hair, planting soft kisses on her head, watching her sleep, it was so intense. Her heat warmed his body, as he listened to her heartbeat. She fell asleep, and he watched her.
It was the best night of his life.
When he woke up, she was gone.
************************************************************
Buffy was falling apart.
They had thrown her out of her own house. All the people she trusted had turned on her that night. Except for one, but he hadn’t been there.
They had sent her guardian angel away. That’s is what he had been, what he was. And all so they could hit her sore spot. It didn’t matter if it was true, that was what she was feeling right now.
She had broken into a house, and sent the owner away. She couldn’t find herself to care anymore, she was just too tired. And then he had been there. If he hadn’t spoken to her, she would have though he was a dream.
His lifting words made her relax a little. She wasn’t alone anymore. But when he started to talk about Faith and her friends, she felt the emotions hitting her like a wall again.
“It wasn't just Faith. It was all of them.”
If she could have smiled at that moment she would have when he tried to cheer her up with the news she had been right about the vineyard, but she didn’t care anymore at that point.
She almost cried when he said her name, trying to plug in with her. He always said it as if it was a preach, and needed to be spoken carefully and with love, like it was breakable. His tone was too much for her to take right now, because it woke more emotions inside of her. God, he loved her so much.
“You can get them back.”
But she didn’t want them back, couldn’t he see that. Not if they didn’t want her to lead them.
He seemed upset with her, and she knew why: He hated to see her this weak.
It did make her sad though, she didn’t want to make some one else upset, not him. But she couldn’t even find the strength to look strong: She was so tired.
He lost his patience when she mentioned his feeling for her, and why he had wanted her. She knew it wasn’t true that she had been only interesting to him because he couldn’t have her: She knew that he loved her.
But even in this position, she wanted to hear him say it. It had been so long since he had told her.
His love was the only thing that could keep her together right now: That something was still the same in this crazy world
He told her she was unattainable, and it hurt her more then she showed him. Could it be true than even his love had finally given up on her?
But when he kneeled in front of her, and she saw his soulful blue eyes looking into hers, that thought flew from her mind: His eyes dripping with emotions, and his love for her. It had probably always been there, if she had dared to look for it before.
He tried to touch her face, but she turned from him. She wanted his touch more then anything, but seeing him looking at her like this, telling her he loved her: It was all too much. She would explode. She felt tears streaming down her face. He was truly her guardian angel, she realized.
He agreed with holding her while she tried to sleep, and she felt herself relax in a way she hadn’t been able to for a long period of time. She could finally rest in his strong arms, because she was safe with him: He protected her.
When she woke up, her mind was clearer than it had been in a long time. She knew what she had to do. Careful not to wake Spike, she sneaked out of the bed, kissed his forehead and studied his beautiful features before she left. Leaving him a note.
She had to go to the vineyard.
*Don't worry my dear readers. I's gonna get more "juicy" than this =P*