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TALKING WITH HER PAST


Riley and Buffy were sitting at her kitchen table drinking coffee and doing anything but looking at each other. It had been about an hour since he had shown up at her front door. Dawn knew the history between the two so she decided to call Xander and ask him for a ride. She waited for him outside on the porch as Buffy and Riley went into the house. The look on her face told Xander not to ask any questions. Having been friends with Buffy for quite a few years now, he knew better than to ask a Summers woman what was bothering her. The house was quiet expect for the sound of the clock in living room. Buffy looked up and saw that Riley was looking at her. She tried to smile at him, but knew it came out looking like a grimace. Riley noticed the strained smile and not for the first time since he'd gotten out of the military, he began to second-guess his idea to come see her.

"So, Dawn looks good. She was all excited when she answered the door. Something good happen?"

"Yeah. Today's her birthday and -"

"Oh my God! That's right. I completely forgot. So what is she now, fourteen or so?” Riley rushed without hearing what Buffy was about to say.

"Close. She's sixteen today. So, of course, being a Summers girl, the first thing that came to her mind were thoughts of the driving variety," Buffy said with a small smile.

Riley cringed, "Hmm, Buffy Summers' little sister driving. Now there is scary thought," he said with a little chuckle.

"I will have you know sir, that I am not a bad driver," Buffy said in mock offense. "I have never been in an accident or gotten a speeding ticket so there," she said sticking out her tongue.

Riley chuckled, wondering out loud when she became so responsible." Geez, the Buffy I knew could barely stay in her lane on the road. When did you become so grown up?"

He noticed the far away look and pain in her eyes. He didn't know what had caused it though.
"My mom died about seven months ago. So now it's just Dawn and me. Kinda have to be the grown up you know?" she said quietly.

"Buffy. I'm sorry. I didn't know. God I'm an idiot," Riley said trying to take Buffy's hand in his. He tried not to look so hurt when she pulled her hand out of his reach and stood up to lean against the counter.

"How could you know Riley? It's not like you stayed in touch or as if I knew how to reach you. You just left and didn't look back. You didn't give a damn!"

"That's not true. I had to leave. I left to make something of myself. To be worthy of you," he said in a whisper.

Buffy looked at him stunned, as if he had grown two heads. She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again as her mind failed her. She looked away, trying to think of something to say.

"Where did you ever get the idea that you weren't good enough for me? And what in the world made you think that just leaving me high and dry without a fair thee well or a second thought would make you better in my eyes? If anything, it made you seem so much less." She couldn't hide the hurt and contempt in her voice. His leaving her really had her thinking that there was something wrong with her and she just couldn't deal with that. Not after all that had happened in her life. "You know what? It doesn't matter Riley. You left. Yeah, it hurt but I got over it. You don't have a place here anymore. Not in my life. Not in my heart. Not with me." She was close to tears, but she didn't care.

Riley saw that she was about to cry and that was the only thing stopping him from walking up to her and kissing her good and proper. He just sat there, watching her try to keep her cool, not knowing what to say. Finally, he stood up and walked to stand in front of her. She just watched him walk up to her, unsure of what he was going to do.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you. That was never my intention. I knew I wanted to be in your life when I first met you. Obviously I wanted you in my life; so much, in fact, that I wanted to be with you forever. But I knew what kind of life you had with your parents and I felt that if I was going to give you something better, I had to be a better person. That's when I decided to join the army. And I just left. I knew that if I told you you'd think, Riley paused, “I don't know what you would've thought. I just wanted something more to offer you than what I was then. I am different now. I'm older, wiser and better suited to take care of you," he said taking her hands and looking deep in her eyes," and that's what I want to do. I want to take care of you. Please let me?"

Buffy didn't know what to say or do. He wanted to take care of her. God, she so wanted someone else to be responsible for a while. But, there was something nagging at the back of her mind, she just couldn't put her finger on it. When he stepped forward to hug her, that's when she realized what was bothering her. She didn't want Riley to take care of her. Yeah, she wanted to be taken care of, just not by him. She didn't want someone with farm boy accent. No, she wanted someone with a British accent, and blue eyes and almost white blonde hair. She smiled when she thought of Spike. *Whoa. When did Spike become the hero in my future? I barely even know him!* a voice in her mind said. She shook her head and filed that thought for later analysis.

"Riley," she said stopping him from hugging her, "I'm sorry you thought you had to better yourself for me. I loved you just the way you were. But what you did, hurt me beyond words. It made me think that there was something wrong with me. That maybe, there was something about me that made me unlovable."

"Buffy, I-"

"Please, let me finish." She waited for him to close his mouth and nod for her to continue. "Yeah, I thought I was unlovable. I mean, first my dad left, and even though I know that wasn't about me, I still kinda took it personally. Then there was Angel." At Riley's confused look, Buffy began to explain. "He wasn't always gay Riley. We dated in high school. He was a prick when we broke up though. I wouldn't sleep with him and he called me a cock tease. I forgave him when it turned out he was gay. Now, he's like my best shopping buddy. Anyway, before you, there was one other person. Parker Abrahms. He said all the right things and made me feel. . .special. But I guess my special-ness went away once we slept together. He treated me like I was from another planet. Willow was there for me because I thought it was something about me. She told me he was poophead and a jerk and I was better off without him. I didn't believe it at first, but then I met you. You were nice, sweet and kind to me. You never had anything bad to say about me or to me or my friends, or hell, about my life. You were safe. I'll be honest; I gave some serious thought to marrying you. But then you just left me and I was . . .I don't even know. I think broken is too dramatic. Maybe I was just hollow after that. Now, after three years, you come to tell me that you want to take care of me and that you left because you thought you weren't good enough for me? Well, I'm sorry Riley. I'm not here to help your ego. I'm not here to make you feel better. There are only two people in this world that matter right now, Dawn and me. Anyone else just kinda has to take a backseat to us. Get it?"

She asked this last question without any emotion other than wanting to be understood. Riley stared at her for a second, seemingly thinking things over. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and took a step back.

"I'm sorry. I didn't even think. I just thought that I wasn't good enough. I don't know why. Maybe I wanted to give you what my parents had and still have. I loved you Buffy. Hell, I still love you. You're the only thing that kept me going when I was at basic training. I didn't push me for myself. I pushed me for you." Riley stopped, trying to find the words for what he was going to say. "I get it. Maybe. . .I don't know. But I get it. I'm sorry I came here after hurting you three years ago expecting something. I was stupid. I-" He raised his hands, not knowing what else to say.

"Riley, it's okay. At least you know now that I can't give you what you want. And you accept that. Right?"

He smiled and nodded his head. "Yeah, I get it."

They stood there just looking at each other, neither knowing what to say to the other.

“Listen, the gang and I are going to give Dawn a little bash tonight here at the house. Why don’t you come by later at about seven? It’s nothing big, just some food, presents and dancing in our little bit of a living room. What do you say? Come by? I’m sure Dawn wouldn’t mind one more body, especially if that extra body brought her a present.”
Riley stood there thinking about it. He nodded his head and smiled then, walking towards the front door.

“Okay then. Sounds like a plan. Tonight it is. Sure you don’t mind?”

“I’m sure. We can start the whole ‘friends’ thing again. Yes?” she said following him to the door.

“Yeah. That sounds like a plan. Something I can definitely do. The ‘friends’ thing.”
They were standing at the front door now, with Buffy just on the inside and Riley just over the threshold.

“So, seven then?” He continued after she nodded her head. “Is there anything in particular that I should get her? Clothes? CD? Sharp weapons?”

“Do I need to tell you how funny that’s not? She has more than enough clothes.” She chuckled as he smiled knowingly. “How about a gift certificate to . . .I don’t know… Barnes & Noble? Maybe just cash; all teenage girls . . .okay, all females in general tend to like the green stuff.” Riley chuckled. “Okay then, so seven. See you tonight then.”

“See you Buffy. And thanks for not hating me, or very much anyway. And thanks for giving the ‘us’ issue a try.”

“Yeah, I think we can definitely do the ‘us’ as friends. I guess I’ll see you later tonight. Thanks for stopping by.”

“Sure thing Buffy. See you later. Bye for now.”

He leaned forward to give her a hug and Buffy thought about accepting it, believing that if they were going to start to be friends, they had to start somewhere, but decided a handshake would be a better fresh start. Riley was taken aback at first, then accepted her hand, thinking he didn’t want to push, especially if he still had a chance with her.

Neither of them noticed the black Desoto parked a couple of houses down. Or the blonde sitting in the front seat, giving them the once over and glaring daggers at Riley as he walked away. *The guy had tried to kiss her,* Spike thought, *Buffy refused but the guy had tried.*





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