Please note that as the italics get lost in the upload I've starred all the e mail messages in this chapter.
Chapter 2
"Like the hat, Mrs. G. New?"
"Do you Spike? Doesn't make me look old, does it?"
"You, old? No way. So, you celebrating or something?"
"Why?"
"The hat."
She raised a hand to her head, a look of surprise crossing her face.
"Do you like it?"
Spike frowned, touching her gently on the arm. "I already told you I do. Are you okay?"
She gave him a bright smile, too bright. Turning her head away.
"Cost me fifty dollars."
"And?"
She wasn't okay. Wasn't looking at him either. He ducked down so he could see her face.
"I'm a silly old woman, Spike."
"Come on, let's get you inside."
He'd never noticed it before. How old she really was. Slow shuffling walk, paper thin skin, the years etched on her face. They told him she was old, but it was the apartment that smelt of years gone by. The faded photos. The paraphernalia of a life's worth of memories. Even the air seemed to be charged with it. The feeling that this was a life that had been lived and was slowly winding down.
They were what really told him.
He helped her into a chair, turned as the door opened and a little body burst in.
"Aunty G!"
"Dawn. Sweetheart, come here."
She held out her arms as Dawn ran to her. Wriggling onto her lap. Pulling at the hat.
"Can I have it?"
"Sure you can, sweetie."
Mrs. G took off the hat and placed it on Dawn's head, laughing as it slipped down.
Spike turned as Buffy peered round the door. She looked rattled, as if she was having her usual kind of day.
"Dawnie, what did I tell you about running off? Oh, hi Spike."
She shot him a concerned look, nodded towards Mrs. G playing peek a boo with Dawn.
He shrugged his shoulders, shook his head. Watched helplessly as Buffy went over to her and knelt down by the chair. Mrs. G brightened a little more, reaching out her hand and covering Buffy's.
It was a striking picture. If he'd been an artist he'd have painted them just like that. Three generations. One worn down by time, one by care and one still all bouncy and chipper. A contrast of pale skin against weathered brown. Eyes that had seen everything and eyes that had seen too much. Three people on the path of life, all at different points, but somehow connecting.
The writer in him took over as he watched them. Mrs. G assuring them she was okay. Buffy forgetting her own problems for a while as she focused on her. Dawnie just being happy in the hat.
He needed to get it down. Record the moment or he was going to forget. Wanted Buffy to see it. See how she could draw strength just by reaching out and touching others. See how concern for Mrs. G softened her features and how beautiful kindness made her. See how much love she still had inside, even though she felt empty.
"Put the kettle on, Spike."
He did, feeling a little left out, but trusting that Buffy would get it right. Wondering what had possessed Mrs. G to buy a hat.
Dawnie ran over to him, colliding with his legs in a hug that nearly brought him down. He had to wear the hat because everyone had to wear it, mommy too. So he did as he was told, putting it on, making them all laugh. Pulling a funny face.
And Mrs. G was glowing now, radiating a strange kind of happiness that he'd never seen before. The kind of peacefulness that comes not just because everything is right with the world, but the kind you get when you're satisfied, content. The kind you get when you're at the end of something you feel you've done well.
And there was Buffy in the hat.
Where had all the air gone? Because suddenly he couldn't breath.
She did a twirl while Dawn danced with delight, and just for a moment he thought he saw the person she used to be, before real life had happened.
And, as their eyes met, she let him see it. Cocked her head and bobbed him a curtsey. Wriggled her hips, and gave him those come hither eyes. She was Nell Gwynn tempting him with a basket of oranges. A dangerously enigmatic Mata Hari. Greta Garbo, Marilyn Monroe.
Only she didn't know it. Didn't know she still had all this inside her.
And he, a man of words, was dumbstruck. Like a farm boy come to the big city for the first time all he could do was gaze at the wonder of it all.
"Isn't she lovely?"
Mrs. G beamed approvingly, benevolently as if she were giving Buffy permission to be lovely.
The hat came off, the shutters down. The body language that said no, I'm not. As if she'd suddenly realised that she was being happy when she didn't think she deserved to be.
Mrs. G took her by the hand, squeezing it between both of hers, holding her captive when she would have bolted. Doing what Spike couldn't do, because coming from him it would have been just another man telling her what to do.
"Yes you are, Buffy. You've just forgotten it for now. Try and find it again sweetheart."
The kettle boiled. Broke the awkward moment and they all had tea. Mrs. G told them she'd wear the hat to church and not to worry, she could afford to spend fifty dollars on something as trivial as that, because when did she ever spend money these days? Then Dawn got bored and started pestering, so Buffy gathered her up and Spike stood too. They said their goodbyes, satisfied themselves that Mrs. G wasn't going to have a sudden attack of buyer's regret. Even managed another laugh as she put the hat on again, at Dawn's insistence, then pretended to be the queen of England as she waved them off.
It had happened slowly, without him noticing. He couldn't pinpoint the moment when they'd become family rather than tenants. Yes, he fancied Buffy and he wanted her on a variety of levels, but there was more to it than that. He wasn't just the landlord anymore. He was the one who looked after them all, the buffer between them and the outside world. Somewhere along the line they'd all crept under his wing and he'd become St. George fighting off their dragons.
And now he couldn't not be because they all depended on him, trusted him. Looked to him hopefully when it all got too much. And because he could afford to be generous, he was.
As he saw Buffy and Dawn back to their apartment he had one of those rare moments when he felt happily in tune with things for no real reason he could define. For the first time since Buffy had moved in, he felt as if they were walking in step. More as if he and Buffy were equals rather than a beautiful woman in need and a man who desired her. Maybe it was because they'd bonded in a different way over Mrs. G, or because he'd just seen a side of Buffy that had given him hope that she could get through this.
Either way, for the first time he felt as if he was helping her because he wanted to, not just because he wanted her.
He leaned in and gave her a quick peck on the cheek, holding her lightly, his fingers gentle on her arms. She flicked him a glance as he stepped back, ruffling Dawn's hair.
"She likes you."
"Mrs. G. Yeah, she's nice. I'm a little worried about her though, what's with the hat?"
"Dunno, found her wandering around the hall wearing it. Do you think she has family?"
"Who knows. I'll call by tomorrow, see how she is. You coming in?"
"Naa, got some work to do. How's your computer?"
"Hanging in there. Might write another chapter of Chaos, haven't posted anything for ages."
It was an effort to step back, but he did. It wasn't that he wanted her to chase him for a change. Or did he? No it wasn't that. Maybe he'd been coming on a bit too strong lately, doing everything for her, things she should be trying to do herself? Maybe he was making her helpless? Maybe she was just taking him for a sucker? Who knew? But at that moment it felt important to back off a little.
And strangely enough, as he backed away, she stepped forward. He gave her space, and she moved into it. Her hand on his arm, now. Not as light as his had been on hers, but holding him in place as if she was telling him he couldn't leave until she said he could. But maybe it wasn't that either.
Her face said it. Eyes just a bit too wide, and she'd moved just that bit too quickly to make him believe she'd had to think about it. Almost as if she'd panicked.
He covered her hand with his and gave it a squeeze. Those eyes, and that look. Made him feel like bloody superman. Take on the whole world, he would, if she wanted him to.
"I'm just here love, if you need me. Anytime, you know that?"
She nodded and let go of his arm. Wrapped her arms around herself instead. Blew out a breath, half turned to go. "I know, Spike, I know."
She opened the door, Dawn squeezing through ahead of her, then she paused, almost as if she wanted to say something else. She even opened her mouth and he found himself leaning forward to try and catch the words, but nothing came out.
So he spoke instead.
Words from the heart because he felt bad for not going in. Because he felt like that old cliché, cruel to be kind. And he did feel cruel right now, to both of them. Knew he was taking a risk. Knew how fast he'd be across that hallway if those tears that were threatening actually fell. Took hold of his door handle to anchor himself in place, remind him that he needed to go home. That she wasn't his. And that in all the time he'd known her she'd never really given him any indication that she was interested in anything other than him just being someone who did stuff for her.
"It's gonna be okay, Buff. You'll get through this, 'cos you're strong."
She turned and leaned her forehead on the corner of the door. "Am I?"
"Yes you are, Buffy. Like Mrs. G said. You've just forgotten it, that's all."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a special kind of guilt reserved just for her.
She hadn't wanted this baby. Not just because of the continuing link it would give her to Angel, but also because what the hell was she going to do with another baby?
How was she going to cope? All her accounts were empty and there weren't any reserves. Not enough money, not enough energy, not enough love.
It was like someone's idea of a big joke. Poetic irony. What else can we do to make Buffy's life more miserable than it is? Hey, let's make her fall in love with a loser. College? What for? He'll sort everything. Didn't he say he would?
Take you away from your drunken dad. That's what he said, but you know what? Someone had written a proverb especially for her too. Out of the frying pan into the fire.
Frying pan, fire, frying pan, fire. And so it went on, until hey, let's make her pregnant again.
She stared at the brown stain on the toilet paper and wondered if she still was.
Hard to know what to feel. Like she'd thought. A special kind of guilt that made you feel happy and sad at the same time. Like dropping something from the top of a very tall building and the moment you let go, you want it back. Relief all tangled up with an unbearable aching. Hello and goodbye.
Suddenly it was a baby. Not just an inconvenience sent to make her even more tired. Something else to spend the money she didn't have on. Something to drain her even further.
It was a small, soft weight that wriggled and squirmed, cried and fretted, then slept so peacefully that you had to check that it was still alive.
It was a brother or sister for Dawnie.
It was something that, while it depended on you, loved you unconditionally.
And it knew she didn't want it. So it was leaving her.
And could there be anything more confusing than this? It was out of her hands, but she couldn't help feeling that somehow she was responsible. That by thinking, it had become so. Can you really wish something away?
No, she hadn't wanted this baby, so it hadn't wanted her.
She flushed the toilet, knowing she needn't panic yet. She'd bled in the early stages with Dawn, it happened sometimes with no harm to the baby. Looked like fate was going to sort this one for her and she'd let it. So she went into the living room and sat herself at the computer. See how things were in an hour. No need to panic yet.
Do the updates and another chapter of Chaos. Now there was a title especially for her. That's why she'd chosen it of course. Sometimes it helped to put things into words, sort it all out in somebody else's life. But did her heroine go or did she stay? On the show she'd left and the hero had sacrificed himself to save the world, but if the producers thought they were getting away with that, they had to be living in an alternative universe.
She clicked to e-mail and scrolled through the submissions. Five tonight. Five people who thought no way was she walking away from him. They were meant to be together and they damned well would be.
She should go to the emergency room. Call Spike and get him to take her.
Just tag these chapters first, see what happens. No need to panic yet.
She clicked new message and wrote.
*Hi, Goldie. You online? Up for some tagging? Chat? hugs, Rap. *
Okay, first story. Yay, Random Hearts. How does she update so fast? Gotta story to tell, this one. Do it first because they'll be waiting for it.
New message.
*Hi Rapunzel, how'r ya doing in that tower of yours? Send me a couple of chapters. Did you get mine? G:-)) *
*Got it, updating now. Still waiting for my prince btw. Think he's got lost or something? Hugs Rapunzel *
Send.
She settled down. Read first, then tag. Smiled as the hero and heroine got it on at last. Way to go with the UST Goldie. Master at it, she was. Six chapters and they still hadn't done it. But it looked like tonight was the night.
New message.
*Maybe he's where you least expect? G:-)) *
*Yeah, gonna sweep me off my feet any day now. Hugs, Rapunzel *
Send.
Slight twinge. Bit like a period cramp. Still nothing to worry about, she'd had this with Dawn too. Okay, wow, hot, hot, hot. Nothing like fanfic sex to get the motor revving. Pity her tank had no gas in it. Running on empty right now.
And this was nothing like fanfic sex. God, you're good, Goldie.
Hit review.
New message.
*Maybe you only have to say the word? G:-))*
*And what word would that be?LOL hugs Rapunzel *
Send.
She blew out a long breath, hand on the small of her back. Coffee that's what she needed. These all-nighters were killing her, but they were better than the bad dreams.
She got up, looked in on Dawn sleeping the sleep of the innocent and the good, then she went to the bathroom. Still the same.
Not panicking, not hoping. Just let it be. What could the doctors do? What did she want them to do?
Back at the computer. Click, tag, click, tag, god this was boring.
New message.
*Yes. G:-)) *
*Yes what? Hugs Rapunzel*
Send.
Angel had called. Sounded good today. Contrite, sorry. That sexy voice, deep and persuasive. Reminding her why she'd abandoned everything and come to the other side of the country to be with him. Married him in Vegas on a whim. Married in haste, regret at leisure. Best sex they'd both ever had. That's why he kept coming back. Only she couldn't do it any more.
That crazy little thing called love just wasn't there any more. Had it ever been?
New message.
*Just say yes. G:-))*
*Not that easy sweetie, Gotta find him first. Angel called. Hugs Rapunzel *
Send.
N
ext story, another twinge. Okay, a little panic now. Just a fleeting one. Don't start wanting this baby, not if this is going to happen. Why do you start wanting something the minute you can't have it? Get up, walk around a bit. No, that'll make it worse. Finish the updates, then lie down for a bit.
She leaned back in her chair, looked out the window. A few chinks of light against the darkness. A few other souls like her, isolated and alone. Sometimes, at this time of the morning she felt like the only person left alive in the whole world.
Back to the computer.
New message.
*Just open your eyes and look. What did he say? G:-)) *
*He cried. Goldie, I'm pregnant. Hugs Rapunzel *
Send.
Okay, lie on the sofa for a while. Feet up, gotta do something. Could you forgive yourself if you didn't at least try? Make a token effort. Updates first, then go lie down.
No new messages.
God, this one was dire. Go getta beta, already. Probably another of those write- two chapters- then- abandon, kind of stories. Make her set up the file, do all the work then never hear from them again.
Updates finished then on to Chaos. No problem with the sex in this one. They'd been doing it since chapter one. Couldn't keep their hands off each other.
No new messages.
Have another panic first. Slightly longer one this time. Not a trip to the emergency room, please. Not more bills. What would she do with Dawn if she had to go into hospital?
Okay, definitely lie down.
New message.
*How ? When? You okay? G:-)) *
*The usual way LOL. God, I'm such a jerk to believe him all the time. He said he was going to change, same old story. Trouble is the sex is good. But it's not enough is it? Talk to you soon. Rapunzel *
Send.
Sex on the boat. They haven't done it there yet. No wait, that was chapter 26. In the tent then. Had anyone done fanfic sex in a tent yet? Couldn't remember seeing it.
Just go to the bathroom again. Need to check it out. Doesn't hurt to check.
New Message.
*You sure you're okay? G:-))*
*Don't know. Not feeling too good. Probably nothing. Nice job with the chapter - writing from experience? ;) Rapunzel *
Send.
Back to the virtual sex. Best way really, didn't get you into messes like these. The cramping was still there, not too painful, just enough to let her know. Almost as if whoever was in charge of this hadn't decided what to do yet. Whether to be born now, or to wait.
She wondered if there was a little soul out there, hovering, watching, assessing her. She didn't blame it if it was. Who would voluntarily come into this, if they had any choice in it? Maybe it was being kind. Maybe it had seen that she wouldn't cope and it was waiting. Maybe later, maybe another time. Maybe not at all.
Too many maybes. There wasn't any logic in this, probably not even a reason. She should be glad that she was being let off the hook.
Then why wasn't she?
New Message.
*Hi Rap, Mile-high club? Me? ROTFLMAO I wish. How don't you feel well? Is it the baby? Sounds like you need a hug G:-))*
*Hi Goldie, Maybe. Too soon to panic. I didn't want it. Thanks for the hug. Rapunzel. *
Send.
She turned her attention to the screen, heart sinking as it started flicking to a ghastly yellow that told her it was going to die any minute now. A good thump, that's what it needed. Save first. Don't want to lose all this work. She saved, thumped, it came back so she breathed again.
Three new messages.
First New Message
*Hi Rapunzel, just wanted to let you know I loved your latest chapter and I've been waiting and waiting for updates. Oh the agony of a WIP. Get writing. Luv, Beni *
Next New Message
*Can't understand why you bother with this. Just a load of pointless sex. Go do a proper job or something. Abc*
Delete. Don't need this shit right now.
Next New Message
*Hi Rapunzel, What do you mean didn't? As in you do now? Concerned - G:-)) *
Create mail.
*Thanks Beni, writing now, loads of pointless sex, but what the hell. Nice to hear from you, Rapunzel:-)) *
Send. Click.
Create mail.
*Hey Goldie, Yeah , suddenly it's a baby. Suddenly it's real. Weird how that happens. Like I need a baby? Sick joke. Just really confused, you okay to talk about this? Touched by your concern - Rapunzel:-)) *
Send.
Pointless sex? She sat back, covered her eyes with her hand and blew out a long breath. Yeah, why the hell did she bother? Ungrateful bastard, why did they bother reading if they didn't like it? Did they have any idea of the hoops she jumped through to bring them all this?
Ow, that hurt. Her hand went to the small of her back again, rubbing and breathing it away. Back to the bathroom. Not good.
New message.
*Hey Rapunzel, Think you maybe need to do more than talk, love. Go call your sexy landlord.. He said he'd be there for you, right? G:-)) *
*Goldie, will you quit calling him that,LOL, he reads my mail! And you've never met him so how would you know? Just want to talk right now, yeah? hugs, Rapunzel *
Send.
Hot chocolate, that's what she needed. Didn't chocolate cure all life's problems? She made herself one but couldn't drink it. Poured it down the sink because the smell was making her feel sick.
New Message.
*Rapunzel, You've described him in enough detail that I can use my very vivid imagination. Go call him already. You shouldn't be alone right now. G:-)) *
*Thanks Goldie but I'll wait it out. Don't think there's anything the doctors can do anyway. Spike'll be asleep and then there's Dawn. Hell, I just want it to all go away. I don't want to do any of this any more. Ya know what I mean? I'd like to close my eyes and when I open them everything will be just perfect. Trouble is, if I close them now, I won't want to open them again. God, I'm a mess. Sorry about this Goldie. You sure you want to listen to this crap? I'm thinking knights on white chargers would be good about now. If you see one send him my way. bye for now Rapunzel *
Send
Elbows on the table, she leaned her head in her hands. A few tears now. The kind of tears that when you start you can't stop. So don't start. Don't start.
Small tap at the door. Who the hell? Again, and a voice whispering her name.
"Buffy, you there?"
She lifted her tearstained face to the door. "Spike?"
"Yeah, it's me. Open the door."
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, pulled her robe closed. All he ever seemed to see her in was this. Walked over to the door, slid back the bolts. Turned the key.
His face. Frowning. Full of concern. She opened the door wide.
"Spike, what are you doing up?"
He walked in, took her by the upper arms and looked down into her face. Looked as if he was searching for something.
She stared back. Three in the morning. What was he doing here in her apartment at three in the morning?
He let go, stepped back. Nodded towards the bedroom.
"I was on the internet. Go get Dawn. I'll drive you to the hospital."
"The internet?" She looked puzzled for a moment, frowning as she tried to make the connection. "What, spying on me?"
"No." He stepped away, a hand running through his hair, avoiding her now. "Oh hell."
"What then, hacking my computer?" She followed him as he turned from her, forcing eye contact. "How did you know about the baby?"
"Bloody hell."
He looked at her then, his eyes holding a mixture of panic and something else. Embarrassment? Shame? She couldn't quite work it out.
"I know about the baby because you just told me."
A couple of heartbeats to work that one out. "You're Goldie?"
"That's me."
"You wrote Random Hearts?"
"Oh god, Buffy. I'm sorry about the deception. I was only trying to help."
She moved to the couch. Sat down, almost in a daze.
He went too, sat beside her looking scared to death.
"Say you forgive me and let me take you to the hospital. Talk to me Buffy."
He said that because she had her head down. Thinking about what she'd just found out. The most unlikely of things from this man, who never failed to surprise her.
"Will you? Forgive me?"
She felt his finger under her chin. The lightest of touches, as if he was afraid he'd broken anything they'd ever had between them and he didn't have the right to do this any more.
She lifted her head, the hint of a smile at the corner of her mouth. A smile that got broader as she thought about his guilty little secret.
There he was. Black tee shirt, jeans ripped at the knee, combat boots. Hair all spiky and sticky with gel. The author of some of the scariest horror novels on the market.
And still she couldn't believe it. She lifted her hand and stroked his cheek as his expression turned from pleading to puzzled. As he cocked his head and leaned into the caress.
They sat like that for a long while as she looked at him. Really looked at him. Like she was seeing him for the first time. Seeing everything that he was. As if it had taken her this long just to open her eyes. As if somewhere back in her childhood she'd gone to sleep and forgotten to wake up. Like a sleepwalker suddenly realising where they are.
And he sat very still and let her hold him.
She didn't just hold him in her hand at that moment. She held everything, because now she really knew. Spike, Goldie and Random Hearts, they all merged into one.
Into the promise of a future. And disbelief turned into belief.
All hard and sharp on the outside. World's biggest softie in the middle.
He nodded. The slightest of movements.
Just say yes. All she had to do was say yes. All she had to do was start to live again.
The smile was still there, but this time it was just for him, because now she had something to give back.
She dropped her hand and pulled her feet up under her. Wriggled herself comfortable, then looked at him again. He still hadn't moved.
"I'd like to wait it out for a few hours. See how things go. I think I already know, but I don't want to go to the hospital in the dark."
"You sure?"
"Yeah." She tucked her robe around her, aware that he was following every movement. Watching her very carefully.
"Don't worry, Spike. I won't do anything stupid. Got you here, haven't I?"
"You've always got me, love. But you know that, don't you?"
She took his hand then. Giving him what he'd wanted for so long. The slightest pressure, pulling him towards her. His arm around her back. Her head on his chest.
Just open your eyes and look.
Her arm around his waist. Shifting, accommodating, adjusting. Sighing and relaxing.
Taking that first step. A small one on a long road. But the most important.
She gave him a squeeze and she spoke from the heart too.
"I know, Spike. I know."
tbc.
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