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Author's Chapter Notes:
Well, well, look at me go : ) This story has managed to suck me back in and I can't stop writing! I'm sure the feedback from readers old and new is my main motivator though, so a big thank you! Since I am focusing on finishing this story before I work any more on my others, you can expect another update relatively soon (especially with feedback) : P

While you are reading there is a bit of Spike/other AND it may seem like I just left out a bit. I did, but with reason. So I suppose I just need some trust from you guys!
Chapter Twelve
Buffy’s POV



So that is how it feels? To hold someone’s heart in your hands and smash it to bits.

I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to. The girl in me squealed with delight at his proposal. Hearing him tell me he loved me, it absolutely took my breath away. I envisioned throwing myself in his arms with an excited acceptance. That is, until I heard my mother’s gasp. It was then, that the woman in me put the kibosh on any acceptance.

I remembered why I was here, what allowed me to hear her reaction. My father is dead. Yes, it is quite the odd timing for it to hit me. It’s not that I was overcome with grief to the point where I couldn’t let myself be happy. No, it was a reminder that marriage isn’t all fun and games. My parents married after only a few months, much like my relationship with Spike. Mom used to tell me stories of their first dates, of the romance between them that lead them to believe that they would be together forever. As a child, it was better than any fairytale. As I grew older I learned that the romance she spoke of was a lie. I think the notion of a whirlwind romance truly made my Mom feel like she made the right decision in marrying so soon, and she spent more than twenty years convincing herself of that after.

Not for one second, do I believe that Spike is anything like my dad. However, I know that I am gun shy at least in part because of this knowledge. That is why I couldn’t say the words that he wanted to hear. Even as he whispered his pleas, I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he knew without a doubt that he would love me forever. Sure, I feel something for him. Is it that one defining love of my life though?

I had forgotten that I was still standing outside until the breeze picked up and cooled the tears streaming down my face. My breath hitched at the cold and I ran inside. My guilt over hurting Spike and my panic that I may have just ruined my shot with him washes over me and I forget to breathe.

“Buffy? Honey, you need to breathe. You need to calm down and breathe.” My mother consoles me and places a blanket around my shoulders. “You need to get control of yourself, the baby will know you’re distressed.” Common sense kicks in and I take long deep breaths. During these breaths I work on convincing myself that I was right in thinking that I couldn’t possibly know if Spike is who I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. And that if I was unsure about that I couldn’t possibly, in good conscience accept that promising proposal.

“Mom? Did I do the right thing?” Looking into my mother’s face I see her frown deepen.

“Honey, only you really know what is best for you.”

“I always thought it was ‘Mother knows best.’”

“She does. In this case, you are the mother.” The baby gives me a good solid kick and I nod. Mom hands me a tissue and I work on wiping away my tears. Once I am calm, and my face is dry, I look up to see my mother, Dawn, and Xander all standing around me. Suddenly uncomfortable with the attention I excuse myself to my room.

“You’re an idiot.” I don’t think I could have masked my surprise if I tried.

“Dawn!” Mom scolds, but my sister just shrugs it off.

“No! Mom, no! Someone has to say something. I may only be a teenager but I know that was a man in love, and he was offering you a good life. I don’t even know him, but did you hear him? Did you? Fine, you heard him, but did you listen? For some unfathomable reason he is in love with you Buffy! Now, judging by your reaction, you’re in love with him too. So, why? Huh? I’ll tell you why you said ‘no’.

You’re still the same selfish Buffy! Something gets hard, so you leave! You need to make a giant decision all on your own, so you push him away! What’s next Buffy? What happens when your baby isn’t perfect? Do you pawn it off on the next person?”

My temper flares at her accusation and if looks could kill she would be a puddle on the floor. It stings that there might be some truth to some of what she said, but to accuse me of ever giving up this child is enough to let me forget that we are related. Xander, places an arm around my waist and leads me up the stairs.

“Buff, let’s get you upstairs to rest. Everyone is just on edge today. Take a rest, get rid of some of that stress and think about it tomorrow.”

I took his advice and slipped into pajamas. Glancing around my room my eyes fall on my vanity. Grabbing my brush from my bag I sit on the stool in front of the mirror and begin brushing my hair. I glance at the clock, right now Jeopardy is starting. Spike and I would be sitting on the couch making fun of the contestants, placing bets on who would win.

“God, help me I love the thought of sitting next to you on the couch and listening to the ridiculous answers that you give to an even more ridiculous game show.”

I start to sniffle thinking about what he said, but get interrupted by a knocking on my door. “Buffy? May I come in?”

I tell Mom it’s okay and she makes her way in, taking the brush from my hand and she picks up where I left off.

“I’m proud of you, Buffy. I am proud of the fact that you are taking the time to think this through, no matter how painful it is to make him wait.”

“That’s just it, what if he doesn’t wait? What if I just blew a good relationship with my baby’s father?”

Staring at her in the mirror, I watch as she places a kiss on my head. “He will wait. If he doesn’t? Well, then you definitely made the right decision.” Her gaze changes in the mirror and she begins brushing my hair again. “You know, I never told you this. I’ve been where you are. It wasn’t just a fast fling with your father, when he proposed I was already pregnant. I think I always knew that when he asked me to marry him, it was just because it was what he was supposed to do.” My confusion is evident.

“You said you were married a year before you tried for me.”

“I was.” She wouldn’t have lied to me, there was no need. Then it dawns on me and my heart aches for her.

“You had a miscarriage.” Protectively, my hands find their way to my protruding stomach and hold on.

“Yes, the day that your father asked me to marry him was the day I found out I was pregnant. We didn’t waste any time in going to the court house and getting married. I knew my parents would be disappointed in knowing that I got pregnant out of wedlock and I wanted to hide that truth. You see, I didn’t marry him because I was so hopelessly in love, it was because it was what was expected of me. That is why I am so very proud of you, Sweetie.” She places the brush on the vanity and leads me by my hand to my bed. “I want you to be happy. I want you to have the most love filled life, for both you and my grandchild.

Take some time. Stay here, and think about it. If you make the decision to run to him and accept his proposal, great. If you decide that you need to wait and make sure he is really the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, that is wonderful too. Just don’t make the same mistake I did, don’t be pressured into the decision. Remember, if he really meant it… well, he will be waiting for you.”



Spike’s POV



Didn’t come here with the intention of getting angry. Hell, I didn’t drive the long way home with the intention of coming here at all. But where does a rejected man go? To get drunk, of course. The only place still open in the suddenly dismal town is the club that I first met Elizabeth. Elizabeth, Buffy, whatever the fuck she wants to be called.

I grab multiple beers at the bar before settling into a booth in a dark corner to drink away my sorrows. After downing copious amounts of alcohol I still don’t feel any better. I still feel, and that is beginning to be a big problem.

“Hello there, Handsome. Looks like you’ve got girl troubles.” A tall brunette slides her way into the booth next to me. I’ve got half a mind to push her off of the seat but she puts her hands up and waves a glorious white flag. “I come offering more booze.” She slides a beer and a shot of what smells like whiskey in front of me. Her voice is raspy, nothing like the smooth silk of Buffy’s voice. She holds up a shot of her own, “To leaving our troubles behind.”

“I’ll drink to that.” I throw back the shot and enjoy the burn as the liquid warms my insides. We sit in silence, drinking beers, it’s a wonderful silence… until she ruins it.

“So, what’s your name? I’m Liz.”

I let out a harsh laugh, “Of course it is! Short for Elizabeth, no doubt.”

She flashes me a smile, “I guess that’s her name, eh? Well, don’t you worry-“

“Spike.” I fill in.

“Oh, isn’t that promising. Don’t you worry, Spike.” She says as she gets up and leans over the table. I’m half surprised her tits aren’t falling out of her too small top. “We’ll get you some more drinks, and you can forget about the bitch.”

The insult has me out of the booth in record time to push her roughly up against the wall. One hand half around her neck, my thumb pressed into the soft spot under her chin. “Don’t you dare speak about her in that way.”

She lets out a slight moan, “Fine, I won’t talk about her. I’m sure you can find other ways to keep my mouth busy, so I don’t go spouting off about things I don’t know.” I’m suddenly aware, that she’s getting off on this. Her breasts are heaving against my chest, her hips rolling against mine. She bites down on her full lower lip and places a hand over the one on her throat. She doesn’t try to remove it, more like she tries to keep it in place. “Mmm, you can be rough. I’m not breakable, no need for fragile stickers.” The feeling of being wanted is empowering.

I tell her to get her stuff and when she comes back to me, she is all smiles. “We are going to have a good time.” She promises. She leans in for a kiss, but I catch her by the chin and push her back. She grabs my hand and places something in it before taking off towards the door, tossing back a flirtatious smile. I open my fist and find a pair of black lacy panties and take off after her, shoving them into my coat pocket.

I didn’t hold any doors for her, I didn’t speak to her. She leads me to her apartment that is just a block away. I lounge on an oversized chair in her living room. The alcohol is beginning to kick in… good. She offers up a smile and leaves the room, only to return with more. What a wonderful woman. I take the offering and take a swig of beer.

“Now, what ever shall we do?” She asks. A moment later I find her straddling my lap, pulling her shirt over her head. She wasn’t wearing a bra, and I find myself angry that her nipples are too tan for my liking, her breasts too large for her frame. I hide my distaste by bringing the beer bottle to my mouth again. My eyes travel downward, looking for something to help along an attraction, but still find nothing remarkable. She has no curve to her, just hard lines. “You can touch.”




Buffy’s POV




“Thank you.” I yawn. It’s after noon when Xander and I pull into the driveway. Try as I might, I could not fall asleep at my mother’s home. Although I stand by my decision not to get married yet, I feel that Spike needs to understand why. I know why he felt the need to leave. He has every right to be mad at me. I just couldn’t rest, knowing that he was upset with me. I couldn’t deal with knowing that he felt that I didn’t feel anything for him.

I didn’t know what I expected when I walked through the front door. If the parking job he had done was any indication, I had thought he’d be passed out one foot out the door. Aside from an indent in the wall where I presume he took out his frustrations, everything seemed normal.

With a sense of purpose I make my way up the stairs on my way straight to his room I hear a snore that stops me in my tracks. A quick look in my room and I find the culprit. A very much passed out Spike flopped over onto my bed. Maybe he isn’t so mad at me after all. I kick off my shoes in the corner of my room and sit on the edge of my bed.

“Spike?” I nudge his shoulder. No response. “Spike, wake up.”

“Go away, Liz.” I get a pang when he calls me Liz. He’s only ever used the name I gave him that first night as an endearment or a means to get my attention. Never has he shortened it and said it coldly.

I whisper for him to push over and give me some room.

“Fine, just don’t be so loud about it.” I let out a sigh and lay on my side facing him. He opens his eyes to look at me and for a second he looks surprised. “Buffy.” Did he honestly think I wasn’t coming back? That I would leave things the way they were?

“I need to explain myself to you.” And so I do. I tell him all about my father, the truth about my parents’ relationship, and all of my doubts. “I guess, what I’m saying is that I can’t marry you right now. Not when everything is still so new. We still have separate bedrooms! While I can’t marry you now, it doesn’t mean I won’t ever be ready. I can almost promise that I will, and then I can kick myself and ask ‘Why did I ever doubt it?’ But until then, can’t we just be us? Buffy and Spike, not Mr. and Mrs.?”

After a long moment of him still staring at me, the look in his eyes is troubling, like he’s biting his tongue not to say something. “Spike?”

He sits up and places a kiss on my lips. “Fair enough. But once I’m thinking more clearly you may need to repeat it.” He motions for me to flip over to my other side, facing away from him, and I do. He grabs the blanket from the foot of the bed and covers us both up before burying his face into the back of my neck and wrapping an arm around my waist.

Yeah, I most definitely think I’ll be ready to say those words soon. Exhaustion quickly catches up with me, as I lay next to him. Soon.





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