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They were still laying in each others embrace when the doctor came to check on Spike. Softly tapping on the door. "Just a sec." Buffy yelled as she jumped up and gathered her clothes. Spike quickly replaced his clothes just as Buffy let the doctor in.

"Just wanted to see if the patient was awake yet. Good I see you are." The doctor went through the normal checkup routine. "You seem to be doing very well Spike. Your free to go when ever your ready." Spike just nodded and Buffy thanked the doctor. Shutting the door behind him.

Climbing back on the bed next to Spike, Buffy wrapped her arms around him. "I love you." She whispered in his ear.Nestling her head in the crook of his neck, kissing him softly. Feeling free at last. 'Why did I ever even think twice back then about loving him. It was never just sex, no matter how much I tried to make myself believe it was. I love this man.'

Slowing breaking the embrace. "I love you too." Spike said quietly as he got up from the bed and heading to the bathroom. 'What am I going do now? I can't stay with her, unlike her so called friends I can't make her worry about me too and put herself in more danger for me, Just so I can feel needed and pretend like I am actually helping her. Bloody hell what have I done? Sleeping with her all the while knowing I can't stay.' Spike thought shaking his head as he shut the bathroom door and leaned against it.

'That was odd.' Buffy thought as she got up from the bed and got herself together. They would be leaving the informatory soon. 'But where would they go? Neither had a home here, and both their homes in Sunnydale were gone.
'

Spike emerge from the bathroom. Stood there watching Buffy in deep thought.'She is so beautiful, Isn't this what I always wanted for her to admit she loved me? So why am I about to run?' he asked himself. 'You know why you ponce, You can't be with her now. It's not save.' His mind yelled back at him. "Luv..." he started then thought better of it. "I'll be going then."

"You'll?" 'Not we' "Your leaving?"

"I wont be any help to the super gang here. Or you" Spike said the last part lower then the rest. "So yes guess I am." He said and before she could even process what he had said he walked out of the room. From behind the closed door, outside the room he heard her say something.

"Won't be any help? Is that all he is thinking about?" She said barely above a whisper { I love him, isn't that enough? Please don't do this Spike. }

{ Sorry luv, I have no choice. } He thought to himself before he walked away and out of the building not stopping to talk to anyone.

'But you do have a choice..' She thought as she began to cry. ' No I won't cry for him any more. I won't,I've cried more then my fair share of over the last few months. Maybe I can just pretend He didn't come back.' "Yeah right."

'Bloody hell, I'm going have to get a job.' Spike thought to himself as he walked away from the only good thing in his current life.

A/N: For anyone who hasn't figured it out yet, Anything in italic is the persons thoughts. Anything with just ' around ' the thought only they can hear. In this chapter I added a small twist as you see. The { around } certain thoughts says that the other could hear it, but doesn't at this point know it was thoughts they heard. Sorry for the short chapter It was basically a filler I changed a bit of the story I had planned so I had to put this in to get back to where I was I am hoping you are enjoying the story thus far and please leave feedback if you are. The one I did get so far thanks much helped me get to the next chapter. :)


Chapter Six


"Well I'm sure the hell not going back to Rome, just not sure what I am going to do now. " Buffy said into the phone. On the other end Willow proceeded to try and cheer her up.

"I'm sorry Buffy, I don't know what you should do either but hanging around Angel's law firm isn't exactly best for you either. Being there your bound to run into him, I'm betting he didn't leave the city."

"True, but then agian I kinda wanna run into him." Buffy said. "I know I shouldn't when he came back he didn't even tell me and soon as he became human he ran off, think that more then covers what I need to know but still, I love him." A sorry to interrupt cough came from behind. her. "I'll call you later Willow." She said and hung up. Turning around and facing Angel. "Yes?"

"I don't know if you want to hear it or even willing but maybe you should take off, you know."

"Yeah maybe." Buffy said head down. Angel melted.

"I'm sorry I can't help it, Of course you shouldn't. Go find him. Gotta remember he was a dopey love sick vampire and he was even worse as a human. Knowing him, which by the way I do we may of hated each other but I still know him, His only thought is keeping you safe and doesn't figure hanging around for you to have to watch over is the way to do it."

"You think that's all it is?"

"Buffy as much as I hate to admit it Spike loves you, really loves you. You know this so why are you asking me?" He was right and she quickly picked her head up and took off. Yelling behind her a quick thanks to Angel.

Across town Spike hadn't come any closer to figuring out what to do with himself. He just wanted to run back to Buffy. Instead he was sitting in the sleaziest bar in town downing a pitcher of beer all by his lonesome. Every so often a stray girl would stop and try to make conversation with him which he rightfully ignored till the girl went away.

He started wondering how he was going to pay the bill for the drinks he knew he wouldn't be able to just walk out, had no money and being human now he couldn't just beat up the bartender and then leave. So the next girl who set down got hit on and worked like a charm she covered his bill shortly after he agreed to go elsewhere with her. Not exactly what he had in mind but she should be easy enough to ditch. They walked out the back door of the bar and she immediately jumped him. Kissing his neck and running her hands over his body. He quickly pushed her back. "Sorry not
going happen." he said and turned to leave. He heard a familiar change just before she spoke.

"That's OK lover, I'll take what I can get." she said as she reached to bite down on him. He grabbed her arm and tossed her over him and flat on her back in front of him.

"This is just to easy." He said just before shoving the stake into her and she dusted not giving it or her another thought. Just then he knew she was near. Knew his Buffy was close, wasn't sure how but he knew. So he took off towards where he knew she had to be. Which is where he found her walking towards him. She spotted him walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. "Shit women what the bloody hell was that for?" Spike asked holding his nose. But before she could answer he got pissed and as natural as you please swung at her hitting her jaw.

"For leaving me!" She shouted at him as she punched him agian this time hitting him on his arm as he blocked her. Spike swung at her agian and she blocked him. Back and forth they fought throwing punches and blocking when they were able. They were both looking a little beat up, when he finally got her backed against a wall and before either of them knew what was happening his lips crashed into hers hard, with such wanting and need. Soon they were tearing at each others clothes. As Spike grinded himself onto her body through their jeans. She was moaning as he threw her to the ground and ripped her shirt from her. Seeing her laying there before him he snapped out of it and stood up. What the bloody hell was he thinking? He couldn't do this agian, no matter how much he wanted too. He couldn't be with her
now.

"What the..?" Grabbing her shirt what was left of it and walking towards him.

"Sorry luv, I..I can't." He said before he disappeared from the alley. 'Bloody hell what is wrong with me? Why do I keep leaving her now that I finally have her, now that it isn't a dream? You already know the answer to that mate. You love her too much to see her hurt because of your ponce ass.' Sighing deeply he continued to walk.

Buffy just stood there for a moment wondering what the hell just happened. 'I won't cry I won't' her mind yelled at her. 'Nor will I let him continue to do this to me.' She knew deep down that she probably deserved it after all she had put him through over the years. But damn if she was going sit and take it like he did. No sirree. He would either get his shit together and come back to her on his own or she would just have to do without him. No matter how much it hurt to do so. She wasn't about to let him keep doing this to her. Quickly she put the remains of her shirt on and left the alley in the other direction.

Months went by as Buffy established a life in LA. She got a part time job at a local gym. What better to suit a slayer, and it paid well too, more then enough to cover her bills of her small loft apartment. Then add in what she made at Angel Law Firm / Help the Helpless. The gang was great about it when she asked to join. Even seeing Angel and Nina didn't bother her. She was actually quite happy for them. So she had her new life and while it wasn't completely normal it was as close as she could ever expect. Feeling lonely alot of the time, and missing Spike made her keep busy but it was better that way. As the more she worked the more she was able to save and the more she could help Dawn with her collage needs. Dawn had decided to stay in Rome and finish school. But promised to move to LA once she was finished. Life had gotten as good as Buffy could expect for herself, which over all wasn't too bad. Just one thing was missing..

Spike on the other hand while wasn't bad off wasn't doing as good. He fought with himself daily about leaving Buffy. But he now had himself a nice little job. Which actually came as a surprise to him. One night he was at a bar when he bumped into a guy almost twice his size the guy being drunk took offense to the action and pretty much drug Spike out of the building and started trying to beat the crap out of him. Lucky for Spike the guy was very drunk and Spike had all those years of fighting behind him. He easily blocked the guys attacks and returned them beating him up pretty
good. To Spike's good fortune the guy was more then pleased to get the shit kicked out of him for once and offered Spike a audition at his studio he was working on a fighting flick and thought Spike was more then perfect for the part. Being his first part and a really downscale flick it didn't pay great but got him some money and he found a nice, small apartment near where he was hanging at the time, which just happened to be clear across town from Angel's and only a small chance he would run into any of them on a daily basis. He was offered a couple small parts after completing the first which looked a little more promising. But he noticing himself becoming more and more like the Angel he knew when he was at Wolfram and Hart all brooding. He spent all his time off work, either at the bar down the street of sulking in his apartment.

Later that week Spike found himself sitting at the bar downing a few drinks. When he was suddenly interrupted but a familiar voice behind him. The demon wasn't talking to him but he would know that voice anywhere. Quickly tossing a twenty on the counter for his drinks he got up and went towards the voice. "Clem!" Spike yelled over the music as he approached his old friend.

"Spike? Spike is that really you? I heard you were back but never in my life would I have actually believed it till
now! How you been Buddy?" They hugged quickly and Clem looked towards a empty table and they made their way to it.

"Been better but I'm alive and kicking so.. How about you?"

"Doing great, myself. So you just have to tell me what happened." Spike went over the last year in detail. Explaining how he died how he came back as a ghost how he and the gang saved the world agian big time. "Oh and I finally had the one thing I've always wanted and then I left her."

"Huh and Huh?" Clem said in confusion.

"Well I never really told you, I'm not even sure why as you would of probably been the only person I would of told. But I'm in love with the Slayer, With Buffy."

"Well duh any duffius could see that. But what happened?"

"Well back then we went back and forth. I loved her for what seemed like forever. And we had something going for awhile and then her good basically forced her to stop it to tell me she didn't love me and she was using me and she could never love a soulless vampire. That I was just confident. Then I proved her right by hurting her. That's the last time I remember seeing you. When I left. That was the night I hurt her. I left to get my soul and I did. I, a vampire fought for my soul and won. I came back to sunnydale a crazed mess redden with guilt and to top it off the first was after me making it's lap dog having me do things, kill people and I didn't even know. There was a trigger the first used and we broke it. Me and Buffy got closer, became friends never lovers agian but really close friends. She finally admitted she needed me and I meant something to her. And then I died saving the
world. That moment she told me she loved me for the first time and I didn't believe her I died not believing her. And when I came back at first I tried to go to her and couldn't due to being stuck at Wolfram and Hart. By the time I could leave agian I decided not to go to her. Was too afraid she would push me away agian. Then during our plan to hurt Wolfram and Hart she found me, fought by my side and we won agian. We, I believe started to get what we had back when I collapsed and when I woke I was human. My old ponce self. And instead of being happy and staying with her I left. Only thing I could think of was keeping her safe and I couldn't do that by being with her, as a stupid human who wouldn't be any help to her." Spike words ran on and on. He downed his drink before changing the subject. "So there you have it. So what have you been up to this last year?"

Clem just laughed. "You idiot, and don't change the subject. You're a idiot!" Clem repeated.

"Hey now wait just a minute with the name.."

"No I wont wait. You are a bloody idiot." Clem repeated agian with a word Spike had rarely if ever heard him use. "What makes you think after over a hundred years as a vampire you would be just your old self agian? What could possibly be going on in that head of yours to make you think you would just lose all that? Sure maybe you don't have super strength anymore maybe no super smell and hearing but damn if you lost the fighting skills you learned over the years. Nothing could make you just what you once were. Not to mention I highly doubt that Buffy gives a damn about all that. Oh and by the way remember I was there after you left to get your soul. I seen Buffy and even
back then she loved you. Even after you hurt her she loved you. Sure she tried to put up a front when I told her you were gone but demon remember I can sense things like that and that's what it was a front. What the hell is wrong with you two anyway! I have seen you go back and forth for years for more then you even realize." Clem said throwing his arms in the air as he got up and got another drink. Spike sat there in thought till Clem sat back down. "I just can't believe you guys haven't figured it out by now. How many years has it been sense you first met? Seven, eight? And you still don't get it?" Clem smacked Spike in the back of the head and Spike looked up.

"What the bloody.."

"No just pay attention would you! Ever heard of destiny, fate? There is such a thing you know. And believe me when I tell you it plays a major roll in the life you two have and should have. Let me ask you something. The first time you two met what happened?"

It made Spike laugh thinking about it. "We talked as I remember, or rather threats to each other."

"And that was just the start what about the first time you fought? Neither one of you died or even came close. Why do you think that is? And exactly how long did it take you to start helping her? I wasn't there then but I can bet it was before all the chip nonsense." Spike just nodded remember the night he came to her offering help in the Angelus situation. "Must I really knock some sense into you Buddy?" Clem finished got up and walked out the door leaving a somewhat stunned Spike sitting at the table alone.

AN: Chapter Five was too short and I couldn't figure out a way to do it sense I had the chapter how i wanted it. So Im adding a two in one chapter. :)





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