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Chapter 14 Confessions before the dawn
She could see his hair reflect the moon light in the distance. He was the same old vampire. Moody as ever. He was sitting in the sand, looking out into the ocean. As she moved closer, she could tell that he knew she was coming by the sudden tightening of his shoulders and straightening of his spine. He did not move to look at her or get up to walk away again. She quietly neared, afraid he would bolt again. Silently, she sat down two feet from him, looking out into the ocean. They both concentrated on the sounds and the visual landscape coming from the sea, as if all their answers would be found there. His body betrayed him as it relaxed, knowing it didn’t have to run away. It’s now or never, no witnesses to over hear their much needed conversation. “Spike,” Buffy whispered. “Why?”

Her soft voice broke through his thoughts running around in his mind and he swiveled his head towards her and said harshly, “Why what, pet?” She met his tear filled eyes with her own. She licked her lips slowly in anticipation. “Why did I try to rape you?” All the emotion he was feeling from the previous week ran through his words.

She snorted. “No, that’s not what I mean, I have that answer.” She moved her eyes back to the horizon in the sea. She knew she pushed him away and forced his hand that night. Not that he didn’t have blame, but so did she. During their sexcapades, no meant yes. And a little pain was just made the pleasure all that much more. If she stopped and thought about their relationship then, they wouldn’t have been in the situation now. Finally, she whispered, “I was so terrible to you. Not very nice of me to run to you and then push you away once I got what I needed. I never gave you what you needed, never stuck around.” She looked down to the sand. “I pushed you into a desperate situation, and I am very sorry that I did that.” Spike looked at her like she just grown two heads and three more feet.

“What?” He roared. “No woman deserves that. You didn’t ask for it.” Realizing he missed what she meant, Buffy decided to give the speech she has been practicing for 3 years, just incase she ran into him.

“I didn’t say I deserved it, or that I asked for it.” Her eyes came back to Spike hopeful that he could understand what she knew. “I just don’t think the blame rest solely on your shoulders.” She moved a couple inches closer and took his hand in hers. “I was terrible; I didn’t realize what I was running to or from. I was so confused at the emotions that I felt, when I felt them.” She squeezed his hand as he looked at their entwined fingers. “The desperation you felt that night… I didn’t understand then…but ever since you left, I ‘ve felt it, too.” He looked up at her ironic smile. Finally he felt a little bubble of hope start in the pit of his undead heart. Could she really have grown up and realized that he truly loved her and didn’t mean for their relationship to go that way? “I never knew how I felt, not until long, long after you left. When,” she paused for a moment and withdrew her hand but looked into his eyes, keeping some sort of contact, “when I said I couldn’t love you, I wasn’t telling you the whole truth.” He looked at her expectantly until she continued. “I couldn’t love. At all. I was ripped from heaven and put back into hell. How was I supposed to find love, how was I supposed to care about love? I didn’t know how. All I knew is that the love I felt in heaven didn’t compare to any of the feelings I found here.” He was about to remind her of her sister and her friends, but she kept going, “Of course, I cared for those around me, I had duties to do what was right, but love? I couldn’t, not only I did not want to, but I was too scared to. Even for Dawn, I cared for her, but love?” She shivered at the thought of her mental and emotional state all those years ago. “I am not sure it was there.”

He started to interrupt her, but she held her hand up to stop him. “No, if you don’t let me finish you will never hear it.” She smiled again, this time it hit her eyes. “It is true I ran to you to feel, the only time I felt anything was when I was around you, but I never told you what I felt, did I?” He nodded at her question, afraid of what she was going to say. Disgust was probably on the tip of her tongue. “At first, yeah, to me, it was just sex, wonderful, earth moving orgasmic sex, but each time I was around you, I began to feel something else, something deeper. It really scarred me. At the end, it was something else. Something I never felt before. Not even when I was with Angel.” Spike stiffened at the mention of his sire and competitor. “I ran away from those feelings I had. Scared to think about what they were or meant. I was trained to kill demons, but all I wanted to do was be with a demon, You.” She looked over to see how he was reacting to her little speech. He was just looking at her with his piercing blue eyes. She felt he could see her soul each time her did that. He stayed quiet knowing she had more to share. “I am… no was the Vampire Slayer, not the Vampire Lover, yet some how, I loved two. How did I come to fall in love with you?” Buffy questioned quietly. “Let you touch me in ways no one ever had or has since then. I touched you in ways; I never thought I would ever touch anyone. And the most confusing thing was I knew you loved me, even without a soul. I don’t know why that confused me back then. People with souls hurt the ones they love everyday. And even, some people are even incapable of love. So the soul has nothing to do with love.” Both sat quietly looking into each other’s eyes, thinking over what was just said. Finally, she got up and held out her hand. “We better be getting back, the sun is coming, Dawn’s worried, and this beach doesn’t need more dust on it,” She tried to joke. He looked out on the horizon, realizing he was so enthralled with her talking, he didn’t even notice the waiting dawn. She laid the past out on the line. How she felt back then. He finally understood why she ran away, but kept coming back for more. It was more than an addiction, he provided a feeling that she was yearning for since her trip to heaven, but was too afraid of to accept. Now, the only thing that plagued his mind was how she felt now.

“’ow long?” He whispered, wanting her to continue with her thoughts, knowing that she might lose the nerve to go on.

“Don’t worry, you know too much for me to chicken out to tell you the rest,” She giggled and shook her hand to remind him to get up. He took it and she helped him get up. The quietly made it back to her house. Both realizing, they were still holding hands. As she stepped onto the covered portion of the deck outside her kitchen, she let go of his hand and turned to look into his eyes. “Tonight, I will call off work. We have lots more to discuss. But for now, I want to tell you something really important.” He looked at her with all his emotions written on his face. She stepped forward, “I am tired and stopped running from everything. My problems, people, my emotions. I am ready to live once again, and hopefully you will see that I am worthy enough to live it with you.” She stepped closer and planted a chaste kiss onto his cheek. “Good morning, William.” With that she stepped inside with him as the sun made its way across the horizon. He stopped half way through the kitchen and grabbed her wrist to bring her to stand in front of him. Slowly, she turned to meet his gaze.

“Buffy,” Spike gasped as he brought his arms around her to bring her closer for a hug. They stood there in the kitchen, embracing each other. Both having tears running down their cheeks both in sadness for the past and happiness in what is to come.

Buffy finally stepped a little back, but still holding onto Spike. “Come on, Big Bad, it’s time you got some sleep,” with that, she took his hand and led him down the hallway and up the stairs.





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